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My Blog

Ups and Downs

SidesteppingPosted by Nicole Tue, November 06, 2018 15:49:20

[whats up-date]


This is the first time I really come to the end of my sexual phase while I'm still having a bit of dope left. And this is good I guess. Well, so far it has at times been a bit confusing. Clear was to me that I've come into sexual phases often enough even without dope - yet where it those where I had dope that got me on further into it. Not that this process stopped otherwise - but its simply different.
I guess I've been at this point before though - just that I couldn't quite process it properly. Its what I recognized as the inherent flaw with Marijuana after my first few days and weeks in the clinic. That a lot of my problems have come through "bad habitation". So in this sense: I've gotten used - and thats a bit of a mystery puzzle - to being sexual; Or before that however otherwise productive. And when this flow ends - the mind is still prepared to move on as before.

So do changes also come slowly, or suddenly - in ways that I however tend to forget. One time high - work through inspiration. The other time, nothing - just chilling. Then the other time something new - and then it goes on. The new thing becomes habit until I'm back at just chilling. Right now I can't just chill however and I do have this awkward urge within me to do something but I feel like I however can't. Possibly I need to so take this break and write about it.

Maybe it is after all the 'being high' that now prevents me from doing what I wanted to do - though otherwise the primary suggestion stands as that I need to smoke weed in order to really properly do what I got to do. And so in the end the problem is "shifted" on into society. Where or while I got none - there is no 'habituation'. Thats a simple social fact. Because we're all individuals - me too I have my own life even when I'm alone. But while others - I guess - would feel null and void in such situations, I'm used to it. I'm used to spending my time this way.
Just me - yet so are the things I do and believe in practically stuck in this bubble with me. And sure - in the end it makes sense to suggest that both of these circumstances aren't entirely unrelated.

I've also so begun to think about what to tell my future Psychiatrists - to for once reflect upon what I've learned so far and to so give it a meaningful spin into a direction that matters. The point is that now that the end of the stay in this clinic is almost over (last day tomorrow) - I'm not really feeling better or more capable about myself in this life. I'm not even sure if I'm feeling that much better over all. Well, I gained some weight and to keep that up and upgrade to a higher base weight I can keep - thats a pretty tough task for me. Yet things concerning my 'real life' - there's this pressure that just gets me to crumple. Like so I tend to ignore deadlines because I'm somehow paralyzed. It then eventually 'comes to me' the moment its too late. So, the impulse - inspiration - motivation, all that.

And it stands to reason that the real problem with all this are the ties into 'this System' - where I so need to be concerned of repaying the favors that I've received. Where I need to think about how I'm going to contribute to the Society that made it possible that I could have a safety net to catch me. Yet its a little bit - moronic, err. ... ironic - since this 'safety net' practically is the fact that I can live without having to work. And in this situation I find myself in the zone of productivity. But it isn't quite ... right. So I put myself into check by motivating myself to find work - to take that seriously, to at the very least go into that direction and maybe find something. I wasn't demotivated. Earlier. 1? Year ago? No, almost 2 ... . I did what I could, wrote Applications; And there it isn't my fault that they came all back saying no. OK, ... it possibly wasn't 'that' appealing and one could find a fault in there - but the biggest problem is my Curriculum Vitae. I'm 34 and haven't really worked anywhere for more than 3 month except for Civil Duty. Oh, and ... Skyparadise. And for my own interests of course. So have I however been there and I can go back there and hope to find something and maybe I will. But in essence I feel like I'm displacing my own leg there. Shooting myself in the foot. And on one side that is a matter of my Trans-sexualness. That I don't want to enter 'work' and go through transition therein. Well, things change - but after all are there down-times that shouldn't need to be necessary.

...



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