Fundamental/EmpiricalPosted by Nicole Thu, October 25, 2018 21:48:18
Well, ... next in the List of ongoing assumptions of what went wrong - I've come across an interesting bit of thought. So, there is this 'thing' that ... is like a Dead End sign at the end of any hopes of Love. "I can't reciprocate your feelings/emotions". Yea, the right word this time ;).
Yet the thing was or is that I can relate to that position. But I couldn't ... 'really' do it. I could feel 'how' it feels - but not really dig into it. But now I have a theory about it. Short: Its about positions and sides ... and/or such. And I guess thats why one of the first of my responses to her disappointing me was one of betrayal. Well, feeling betrayed by her - as she's so taken a side against mine. But its not that simple. She could even do so without knowing it. I was assuming that someone's gotten her tripping against me - like "He/She is a bad person" etc.. But well.
Long Version: So, there first were feelings that made me confident - they seemed to be mutual and so everything has basically been going rather well. And then something happened. I was probably too slow and so this mutual thing wasn't solid enough just yet so that someone who had a heavier stone in her board could slowly overwhelm her; So giving her something true and furthermore ... bonding. We could say that it probably just happened - and 'it' even might not - but so whatever had bonded her to me lost significance; And or relevance.
So then the situation was that she had to somehow get rid of me - and that is where this 'weird' time happened. I was already in a bad mood, pissed, ... and ... confused. I was looking at it the wrong way. Whatever happened would to me look like a glowing hand on a vastly black canvas. It holds her - while on the other end my hopes were that she'd realize the bond between us; And so here and there she looked at me - or well, simply reacted to me in general - seemed to support that. I gave her a letter then - and already she didn't care enough. She couldn't. I guess we could compare the situation to the 'lack of concentration' symptom of a depression. There was what she had - then there was something else she could have - and a lack of the tools to solve her conflict she couldn't really enjoy it. This is now suggestion. Else she could have simply been like "... whatever ...". So - speaking of tools. She most likely had all the tools to get rid of me - and ultimately the result was that she did. But in the situation, this isn't the only way to that outcome. Assuming there was a conflict means that while she had the tools to solve it one way; That solution wouldn't work for her - but in the meantime there was very little to take it the other way.
So she gave it back to me - and then thought that it was over. That she's got rid of me. I would think that this 'getting rid of me' thing was practically supported. Its a thought 'they' like and so due to their blowing it became bigger. And while it might not be lot at large - I think its still there somewhere at the bottom of it all.
So we get to the next situation, where I asked her to talk with me and she was like "No, you certainly don't have to talk to me". There's a lot going on at that point however. Because - in some way this response would be ... most and utterly inconceivable. Well. After she told me to fuck off - (via the letter that is) - she simply did what she had to to protect what she has and is real to her. And probably helped her counter her Schizophrenia. While she couldn't solve the conflict there so were lots of reasons to do something - and that 'act' I'd say can be compared to any "sortof stupid" thing we do and aren't sure about. Like me giving her the letter. She so sought to end it - not realizing the scope of what she has in me (and I don't mean the persona. I mean 'the Love'. The kind of Love it is. Thats where I simply "win" due to Experience) - and from there on all that it did was to act against her decision. It was a conscious decision - its ... like when cloth flips over, or folding a sheet of paper. When you then bend it perpendicular to the fold, you can't easily unfold it. The Love is like a wind, or the shore, trying to unfold the paper - but her decision is the bending; And so she then would be more fiercely counter-react. So a lot of things that I had hoped in did probably become meaningless. That so because in process of living her decision, certain things simply could not exist because they would work against it. Like so the idea that it could be 'that' true Love. It would tell her that she did something wrong - and I believe it wakes up in her every now and then - and well, "Denial is the most predictable of all human responses".
So in essence we can compare this then to a cable salad. "If this then that" while the 'plane of equilibrium' on which everything is settled isn't right. So things that can be straight are twisted through one another; And yea - all for the sake of ... not believing that the current state is a farce.
To solve this - well. There are ways - most likely. Uh, err ... . Oh yea. I almost forgot. At first she was happy to see me and then all of a sudden its been the opposite. Maybe. Maybe she hoped that we at least wouldn't grow mad at each other. And I'm upset that she just ... threw me out like that. Could it be ... ? One of the Doctors was ill that day our date was supposed to happen and the substitute Doctor had a different schedule so that came in-between; And the next Monday: -Access Denied-. Fate?
However - its a thing that she in my mind 'owes' me. But in her life it can't have any relevance.
But be it as it may. The point with 'sides' is this, that ... . Well, I firstly rationalized that 'there is no reciprocation'. Not of feelings anyhow. At all! Its not ever about that. If it is about that - something is wrong. And in deed this formulation is a symptom of the underlying problem already. We don't Love by feelings. I didn't want her to reciprocate - most obviously because to me the whole thing has already been mutual - I wanted her to spend time with me. There was nothing to reciprocate we could say; But well ... the Love. The interest. And that she 'couldn't' reciprocate because ... that was explained above. In her heart she so is invested in a condition that takes her away from me. And the thing with sides and positions comes in and reveals that there 'is' a right and a wrong. In the 'right' Sphere things shouldn't come to conflicts like that. Maybe we could think of a all white sphere/room wherein all our issues are discussed in timelessness from where we then take a balanced rational stance. A thing we don't have as all the previous items show. Or otherwise she would certainly have difficulties entering a sphere where my view of things rules. And in that state it'd be true for her to say that she doesn't Love me - but in that state this is a regard to express an absence of expected emotions. On the other hand she should find that she doesn't 'not' want to spend time with me.
But well. The thing mainly is this: If she would let go of everything and look for the center of her peace - the conflict thickens as there were two possible outcomes at least and thus her biases matter. Since she can basically tell that she's attracted to me, she can foresee that consequence at a given point and then is confronted with her biases that would suggest that the other path is right/true. But so what I mean is to ignore relationships and focus on the 'right' side/thing. And in disregard of ideologies, ... its ... hmm - I've lost the focus but I'd say its down to a more vague "where I want to be" type of thing. If she so argues that fate would have to fiddle us together again - "fate" could in the same argue that she should be pulled back to where she was/is if 'that' is the true/right way. And its not even much. Just a short moment.
And what do we learn?
That sometimes we have to 'do' the right thing. Because otherwise - we won't. By that I mean to point out, that eventually we're asked to assume certain things and the more we are dragged into a reality where this assumption is considered as a fact we forget that there wasn't anything to confirm that assumption. For instance. Thats similar to what happened after I chose to go out as a Woman. All doubts I've had - no matter how strongly they held me or how severely they scared me - were wiped away and so I started to feel a lot better.
Its like a seesaw; And what concerns us are like marbles.
Outside of this - I'm even more confused since more and more ... all the signs that used to tell me that nothing good is ever going to happen to me have changed. "All signs/lights are on Green". And here a picture of this ... "underwear" (broken glass lingerie) - although what you're looking for are the cyan "tattoos". Its different - but takes more to the eye than just a bunch of lines.
And here, the Definition of 'demon':
A concept of thought and wanting that requires an individuals Life to be considered an Entity. An individual “possessed” by a Demon is in itself considered a Demon (/Demon Entity) as it (the Demon) completely overrides the Individuals thought and wanting as by Design.
|Choose site to share content on|