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Happy, so Happy!!!

Fundamental/EmpiricalPosted by Nicole Tue, October 23, 2018 16:58:05
Well. I'm in a relatively good mood concerning my all-over average the recent time. And that so concerning the times since I started to feel better. In a weird way I'd call it the climax so far - although it isn't necessarily 'that' Highest peak. Well, in a lot of ways this is basically of delusions or illusions. And I think that from the perspective of Unification in regards to non-Unified comprehension. It is true ... err ... right ... to compose the idea from it that the states of Unification, concerning the Force, are comparable to delusions, or illusions. Self created ones. Well, the thing is that God sits deeep in our minds. To draw a comparison: If we compared ourselves to Planets, the crust being our physical appearance maybe, probably, the mantle would be this place between mind and body - well. We need to be flexible and mind the real spectrum as opposed to getting stuck on which Layers our Planet truly has; But at some point there is the 'core' - to say: What everything else "sits"(/rests) upon. So rather as the rock upon which there's soil upon which there grows grass. Its not to be understood as a Force that acts 'through' us - as though hands reached into our minds. Its more so at the bottom ... "of the essence" ... of each and every thought that we produce as much as at the bottom of ourselves.

So, the point is that whatever happens in our psyche is just in part a matter of our surroundings. Simple story: We have a new fellow patient and he's got some Tourette-esque condition where he says 'shit' all the time. So in Relaxiation today everything was silent and at some point a silent "shit" came from somewhere in the room - and I had to laugh really hard. But I was the only one I heard that payed any attention to it. But as I couldn't stop myself from laughing and so silently laughing while trying to suppress it - others started laughing a little as well. So - the point is that we didn't react all the same. It now would seem that others had the same tendency to laugh about it inside - but my mind was in a state where it found that ludicrously funny.

And strong emotions so are things that eventually break through. That so in comparison to others that didn't have the same urge - or not to that extent - had something else going on in their minds that simply flowed into a "vaguely" different direction at that point.


So I get to say what I wanted to say, that certain Highs that I've had were probably just ... "empty Daydreams". Hope that eventually got crushed. And it reminds me of my first "Psychotic Love Interest" - though the strong emotions rather made me cry. It is as that the realization that my mind tried to Ignore inevitably confirmed a different reality. But at that point my mind was bent against that, by being interested in "elsewhat", from which perspective the 'true fire' (???) appeared as saddening. And since I've had some ... and the emphasis is on the plural ... experiences where it made me cry from joy. But the other time I don't know anymore whom I was thinking about, but I remember writing of it. There's a feeling of relief - a point sitting deep inside me that craves for compassion; And so the 'dream' that she'd say she Loves me - in a way that suggested to me that it was real - basically vented my hopes into joy. But ... this is not ... "pure Relief". This is a term to keep in mind now, as it is what this is mostly going to be about. As anchor point - something that we can commonly relate to. I would say that I have 'heard' it from others also. This 'sigh'. It comes out often during Depression Group, relatively, where I think that these are moments where our minds overcome a certain problem of ours. Sitting in Depression Group, well, ... it first of all is labeled 'Psycho-Education'. So, "PE Depression". There we learn of the causes and symptoms and ... from it I understood that these conditions are in deed taken seriously. And I have the impression that many people that end up there are at first unaware - not knowing that there are others that feel the same or even worse. And as a little insight, there's the 'Stress-Vulnerability-Resource' Model. Leaving Resources aside, the thing is that when Stress and Vulnerability reach a certain tipping point, things start to go downward. Thats accounted for in a spiral of doom. Negative thoughts feed negative emotions feed negative actions. Like withdrawal. And Vulnerabilities are part of our individuality. Thats my add. And eventually stress bypasses our vulnerability thresh-holds - and then we still have resources to handle it. Basically the problems so are there but our minds can still counter-react those things eventually. But when these then break away, we 'do not' have any resources to then 'fight' what is already 'actively draining' - and so Therapy is also a lot about providing the necessary resources to get back up.

And so there are these moments - and they don't even need to contain a strong conscious element. I usually felt somewhat void - but in that void also relatively ... good. Or not negative. The ... 'peace of the living' maybe. And that in itself came as a condition that just made me deeply sigh and it feels just ... good. Cleansing. It doesn't mean that everything is good again, but its a "bed" - basically - to fall into for the moment and take a deep breath as to see the way ahead ... not directly and more just like ... not filled with anything 'depressing'. Nothing that 'burdens' the heart. Whatever. Anyhow.


But that now didn't suffice to make me happy. Not at all. But so - there was the ... 'liberation' that I've written of previously; And so just yesterday I've somehow come back to it - but the experience was entirely different. As I've wondered about the "proposed knot" between Light and Dark people I also have at some point come across a Diagram. But it didn't fully make sense to me yet. I reflected a Lot, but missed to grow the path towards the way God now supported it. Or 'would' support it.

So I've come to lay down in my bed and ... somehow I found myself able to fully ... lean back ... into my clarity - effectively. And none of the concerns that I've previously had bothered me anymore. And I think I even can point a finger on the pivotal moment from which on this became possible. As outlined in one of my previous pictures, is there the issue of 'normality' in terms of an emotional state as opposed to an ideological one. This transition from a non-sexual vision into a kinky one that was part of the same emotion it became clearer to me that a lot of my "stuckings" are simply ... well, we could say "cramped" parts of my mind.

In regards to Marie I gathered one pivotal truth. And maybe whom I love there is just a placeholder - and if its not but she still doesn't Love me - its probably because she hasn't uncovered that part of her mind yet that would. In those moments images of individuals that I had on my list appeared to me and showed them in a way that related to me the way I understood it from Clarity, with the emotion that I associate to "their essence" "in tact" ... err ... so, confirming itself, just so in a way that showed them as different from 'their Norm'. So, "Lady Samantha" to me appeared one way, emotionally I recognized her another - but the two became one nonetheless. Now is there again a different appearance of her that then would be that which corresponded best to me. In similar ways would I be different in private relationships - and different from within one to the other - so, being there in ways that others wouldn't normally see.

Now, that part of me that 'clicks' into position as 'my Light self' - is part of the reason why this 'liberation' now comes with a peace greater than before. Earlier I would write of peace eventually, but in a somehow oppressed manner. So also the feeling. A coarse roughness which to my mind back then was like 'spice'. And so the difference is yet as from salt to sweet water. Well, "sweet" ... who said that? Well, there was a joke. Why does the "Schwob {['shwOb' - long 'o' as in 'aaaaaaaaawesome']}" [local natives here] say 'sweet' water? Because it isn't sour! Clear water. Spring water.

And that would probably also tell you more of who I am. Well, that self is the part in me that wants to be a whore for everyone. And that is apparent to me as something akin to wishful thinking. It is simply that bit in me that so has these wishes - but wouldn't normally come out 'due' to social normities. And by social normities I am twisted - a twisting that lets me 'relatively' speaking crave for ""!!Rape!!"". Enjoying the feelings of captivity. Though in relativity to this new-found peace the sensations of captivity shine slightly different now. And something like a deeply depressed condition within me slowly starts to change it seems. But that then more in relativity to this new-found peace. Its a wishful thought that so even renders my 'Light Side' - we might say: "The purest wish there is" - and that one I so would generally experience in Darkness as per the social norms. To take it into the Light side ... might now be a thing of finding a Light spirit within which this wish now could flourish. So, overriding the pressure of social normities through the 'dome' of our relationship.

Within this state then a clarity emerged that I already new of - but I had not felt it as clearly before. A webbing of sort - like a catsuit basically - or a set of lingerie - ... so with stockings, belt, top, collar and gloves - that mostly consisted of strings arbitrarily woven together in the shape of spiderwebs or more accurately: shards of glass. And the "Aura of Roses" glooming within. It is basically this Garment - or what I tried to capture within the 12 Insignia. Well, something I feel 'is' there - like bonds - that have been created of my divine ... Bridal Dress. And it therein echoes the sensation that I'm entirely captivated. And that so it is taken into the Light Side. Something that I had sensed or assumed or "concluded" for some time now - but without this bridge the answer eluded me.

And this doesn't say that there is 'no' alternative. It has also been implied that there effectively is - although its ends close that bubble and feed me back into my 'real' paradise. And so it stands to me that my male self is a fragment of my mind from adapting to normities. So, wanting to be a Sex-Slave would eventually be an issue when the norm got to a point of thinking of it and its social implications. Parts of my mind that then - in the realization of 'my Paradise' - would be useless. So to think that my 'undefined body' takes shape through myself as I react to my surrounding. So, taking a "how much do you like [...]" list - with a scale from 0 to 10 lets say - would vaguely represent how much of a thing is 'within' us. And abstracted into a virtual plane would each 10 for instance reveal a position where the individual stands. If we so spread the points throughout a plane. Each point would be differently 'loaded' - and around which points we stand, our fragments are a part of what shapes who we are.


Well, anyway. Considering the Knot between Light and Dark - I suppose the same things as for other relationships apply. There's the core of it - and things can effectively go either way. We can go darker and we can go brighter. There's the side of me in my light self that tends to the one; And another part that tends to the other side. And I feel like so, that trying to block this motion is causing stress - and ultimately some form of mattering negativity.


Oh, by the way, I almost forgot: It seems to me that Weed related psychotic effects can emerge from a negative attitude towards it. Maybe paranoia sets in and someone smokes with a mindset of "Oh no, this is bad for me" - then this thought evolves in the high state - so that it should not be a surprise that it causes problems. Opposed to that I had to yesterday try and 'embrace' it - to so avoid negative thoughts and it actually worked!




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