My Blog

My Blog

The conflict within me - Resolved?

General StuffPosted by Nicole Thu, May 17, 2018 05:11:47
What was happening? What about it? Was it 'the truth of me' that had enough power to "punch through"? Speaking of manipulations and confusion and chaos imposed unto me, against me, manipulating whatever I do or comes of me to play out in their favor. So, after that "last layer" was crumbled, ... things seemed to be pretty uptight, but ... new conflicts were emerging. I couldn't - for whatever reason - reconcile the outside with the inside. However I'd twist or bend things - once I got everything as straight as somehow possible there always was one last final problem. Like a rift. Like all my mind was about wouldn't arrive at my heart, or that all my heart was about wouldn't arrive in my mind. Whatever came from the head to connect to something in the heart - there was no heart. It just abruptly 'ended' - as squeezed off - leaving a ... strange void in place of where my heart should be.

So, maybe however I yet had done enough so they thought it wasn't worth the trouble and gave 'it' back to me. That'd say that if you just give it to someone on paper, that person has the rights to do with it whatever he or she wants. And what that would entail - maybe swapping yours for it. Maybe you're a horrible person and you give your dark heart to a good one, and take its good heart for yours.

I feel different now - but I better don't get too excited about it. But so, what 'does' it mean or imply?

I guess the best way to start with as little speculation as possible, besides mentioning the evident, is in regards to the 3rd Strike. But so I feel 'related' conflicts "all the way back" - except that since I caught up on it again - things went downhill for me, really ... hard. You can read my words of back then I guess. I felt I was wrong, in error, ... but then some voices occurred in my head suggesting to me that I see it different to ... whomever. So I watched through it again and I got it. I ... . Well. Shortly after I had uploaded it, a day or so, maybe 3, I ... started to laugh about it. Like it was some genius thing. And I didn't get it. I understood that others might very well see it differently. At the very least since I have a different relationship to it. But upon watching it again I totally saw where 'that' was coming from.

As I though mentioned that it would be the 'last' time before "Day X" - I was conflicted. I saw it as a final statement nonetheless - while deep inside I felt the need to do some more. I thought it would be a mistake. And eventually I got into a state where I was willing and ready to do more, but some "white blot" 'blocked' my heart sotospeak - and it felt like God simply holding me back.

Then I did it again - and here's a bit of in-depth commentary on it: I see "dots" ... basically ... on the timeline ... and you can see me pointing that out here and then, or eventually just being about to take it somewhere else. Now, these dots change appearances. Once I hesitated, they basically appeared "red" - like 'blocked' (in 4.2 I tried to fuck around with it - and I think there's technically a lot I yet have to or at least can learn about it. I intentionally did hit a red dot for instance, ... and ultimately I guess that just obscures an alternate outcome ... ). At one point however the idea got into my mind that I should aim for quantity above quality - and with each skip something kept getting darker and darker. I had the impression that I'm "steamrolling" ... whoever so actively goes against it.

I did upload everything but again felt totally uneasy about it. (*the video where I forgot to turn off the overlay is, despite being just 27 minutes long, 3.2 gigs large). And there certainly are ways to look past the harmony. The one with Deichkind (Denken sie GroS) upon entering Zion for instance. And I started to worry. So I did 4.2 - and that made me feel even more uneasy.

Anyway. All of 4 corresponds to that 'feeling' that I'd yet have to do some more - which I thought for wrong. Its a bit like a crack, which now kindof seems closed.

So I think that this whole recent act simply created a conflict. One that turned out too large for "them" to handle. So, reflecting about how 'they' could fake it. The thing is that once there's a match - there are "so many" possible tracks that could follow. SO, with enough "harvesting power" its totally possible to create some video reel - which is why I keep pressing for the RNG thing. But since I would channel my certainty or excitement or whatever about it into 'my heart' - that so would end up "radiating" through them I suppose which then gives them 'that' kind of upper hand in being heard. Their story however has to correspond to their abilities - and so while necessary that I do some more, 'they' would really not want that - which then gets into "my" heart and so there is that conflict.

Previously it had only been about 'a' Video, then two, ... and then a third. All in their own way ... as though they were composed; And yea - in that regard special. Now I'm not sure how 'they' went about it, but lets say there are two groups. One group says its a fake/hoax, the other claims to be actually responsible for it. SO, because I was unwilling to do any more they could capitalize on that, creating their version of the situation where "every bullet is precious" because "theoretically" there can only be "so many".

But so the cognitive foundation for how I went into 4. Eventually thereby I figured another way how they could fake it. Namely by having some time dilation device that would allow them to do the work of days within minutes. That why I thought that quantity might be better than quality. Quantity in terms of how much movie there is per track. So eventually it'd come down to a competition.

There so is the idea that I only need to randomly click on a few points in the movie and so simply up the quantity - thats been the cue for 4.2 - but it isn't that simple. "Naturally" I must be under some higher influence once I'm in the situation - and yet, so far all that I can gather from these experience is that I was conflicted. I should for the future have something more of a plan. A guideline. So - I'll possibly start the first video by typing or having typed some text to elaborate on whats going on.

This subject intersects with another one. So I don't play on the Matrix 1 because ... well. There's the issue that once what I do is 'in vain' I need an ace up my sleeves. The "reverse" of that is that I need to pick one of the 3 that I can work with for the time being; And thats Reloaded. On the other hand would I start with 3 as it stands now if I ever wanted to get into 1; So ... that.

That why, for Day-X it depends - but I'd say I simply go through Reloaded until things are more sophisticated. And as it stands now you have a picture of what to expect; So, if something like the first 3 happens again - or "at least" "High beats Low" - thats good. But since it turns out to be difficult to formulate 'success conditions' based around it, we could settle for an "Agent count" - and/or "Smith into Zion" maybe. Like 5 agents, 3 smith transitions and 2 sequences into Zion.
Later down the road we can try to get more scientific about it.

Then there was the 'projections' thing. I thought I really did a great job, but still I totally didn't like it. I meant to rebut myself right away - so, but all that came out of me was finally that piece on hell. I mean, if I could point my finger onto one mistake in that writing its that part - but upon thinking about it I couldn't find a rebuttal to myself.

So, in hindsight the situation is pretty obvious. It was pretty previous before already - but the presence of the conflict made it difficult to "Level out on it". I either would "sit" there and try to rechannel the bad that comes in back out, or I would do my thing and then eventually get into the 'normal mode' which is basically the thing I wouldn't want. And maybe now I can even start with/get back at some coding. Now the 'thing' should be gone where I feel like I'm trying to catch up to them. I mean, its like ... when I coded, sometimes at least (well, after I basically 'stopped' - ... hmm, well, ... yea!), it wasn't like I did it for me. I'd do a bunch of things that were on my mind but never got around implementing any of it into my main project. For instance. So I'd be concerned about how to organize the screen and surfaces or whatever 'element'. Eventually things that were 'too far' off of where my main project was at, so it was more like doodles. And then eventually my desire to continue just 'ended' - abruptly. Sometimes like this, sometimes like that. Once I decided to yet continue I felt an inner "oppressor" - which I wrote about here and there as ... the feeling like I'd be asking 'him' for help.

Seriously. It ... well. To get back into the "Sex thing" - I really can't tell at this point 'how much' this mess jumbled me about. Maybe it had some effect on whom I'd be into. Or whom I'd feel as close to me. The actual next best item for me to write about was the matter of feeling bad after masturbating. A certain feeling - where, sometimes I'd feel satisfied and other times I wouldn't. The last time I didn't it made sense in the way of me being 'too much' into something. So, I'd be going to bed with a really strong urge to dwell within my masochistic fantasies and to crave darkness upon me; Wishing things to be real to an extent I right after cumming would regret.

That maybe happened because I for myself could 'deal' with the consequences as "masked" onto my twisted situation. So, whatever oppression or humiliation would come upon me would in some way get through to the other side. And so my sadistic/dominant pleasures might as well be corresponding to that, just, the other way. Stuff coming in from the other side. I think I need more information - but, emotionally not getting along with anyone properly ... . Uhm. I mean, ... when 'teased' as a guy and then getting in on it things just didn't ... work out. While then turning into my female self didn't really do anything either; Other than making me crave for things that worked out. Well. Its hard to tell at this point.

So, considering how things worked out for this writing I'd say that I got my heart back. Saying, ... things will be a bit more normal for me from now on.

Fill in only if you are not real

The following XHTML tags are allowed: <b>, <br/>, <em>, <i>, <strong>, <u>. CSS styles and Javascript are not permitted.