My Blog

My Blog

Notes of Crazy

General StuffPosted by Nicole Mon, May 14, 2018 01:11:26
What is it like to go crazy? Damnnit ... I had written something but I accidentally deleted it. But ... not much harm done. It just sucks. "Lost is lost".

Well, there have been tensions - and those are the closest thing I know that could literally make me 'nuts'. And I mean 'nuts' ... like ... all fuses ... bye bye. And tensions is the ultimate term as well. Things ... related to thoughts that are rather distant to ones actual "mindset" urging into consciousness and 'fighting' for dominance. Then, not only one. But ... once every personal belief or knowledge or desire ... everything ... is challenged ... that might not only make one go nuts - but also amount to torture of the highest degrees.

The counter-measure I know of isn't really 'about' reasoning. There is no reasoning - effectively - since an individuals mind is ... 'unique'. There is no 'right' ... other than empirical truths ... that could be taught. It though is about 'reasoning', but thats the individuals dilemma. My advise would be: "Don't believe in anything, don't commit to anything, just let go of everything".

What is ones self though? Thats another dilemma. Here I would suggest that its either of two ways: Nothing or Something. Nothing meaning meditation, Zen, withdrawal, ... just trying to be. Something ... amounts to having a goal; And that might emerge from 'nothing' ... like ... from watching TV, finding stuff one likes.

Insert inspirational speech?

Seriously, thats stuff for movies - not reality!
This topic is somewhat more of a pretense. I think ... or ... like how things evolved. So, people have gotten baptized, I think, since ... I wrote about how Taylor wasn't. Now she is? And so quick?

OK, I do not know if thats true - but all in all - ... things are brighter than they used to be. So, there was this 'smell' - to say that something stank - and then it was gone. But also gone are the ... sexual things. So - I think I was "righter" about the effects of Baptism than I anticipated. Not in a bad way. Its just ... 'significantly different' in regards to my expectations. What I meant by 'its something to behold' - or that I think people wouldn't be in the mood for 'sex' in that state - its not only correct but stronger than I supposed. I should have expected it though.
So, there's that "mutual "link"" which I regarded emotionally which is now "gone" - leaving me to suppose that its truly mutual. In real time. So, "braving the crazy" I'd say that people are making progress on Astair ... but that wasn't so difficult I suppose after getting started ... so its been a while. When things take a while I kindof grow impatient, but I get it that "You do You" ... You might be stuck getting some work done ... so yea. That. I'm also trying to get ready. Eventually I don't need any suitcases ... I'll try to have a somewhat clean room - but generally I at this time don't think I'll (ever) be ready.

Regarding the "micro tensions" I suppose there are still some arguments, but a beachhead is forming. Uh, growing. Was there for some time? There's one annoying voice that pops up every once in a while. Been around for a while. Its difficult to describe. It usually exaggerates or dramatizes things. Making wild "out there" suggestions that don't seem to have any ground in reason but sortof work in context.

Voyager S5E7 was the recent one I watched. Its about 7 of 9 getting infected with an Anti-Borg Virus and Tuvok does a mind-melt with her. It gets me to think about stuff going on in my mind. And thats why I'm not really sure about "other impressions" I'm getting.

In essence ... there are "Characters". One side is suggesting that they emerge as 'themself' through impressions that were created. The other side suggests that they are merely representations for one or more. So there's the image of Neo/Keanu - which sometimes seems like its him and other times ... its different. Since recently there's James Franco.

In essence, we're winning. And it seems fair to lay the Revelation aside. It even stands - at this point at least - in conflict to other prophecies. The rolling stone - first and foremost. Once thats rolling - nothing is there to stop it. Thats the cue. So, what could the revlelation add to that? Details. OK. But one way or another - its got to come down to the 'one and only' conclusion. We seem to have won the upper hand - or ... 'you'.
Well, ... its not all that simple. For me at least. Every once in a while I 'sense' someone as "on the edge". Individuals that are about to 'get it' - and I'm ... terribly insecure each time I'm somehow partaking in that.

SG1 S9E10+11 ... . Its not about the killing ... thats of no concern to our reality. But its about freedom and enlightenment.

Escaping the "question"? Well - its hard to tell what I was actually pondering upon. The moments of change usually come about a single thought. And that might be different from person to person. When I get to behold something its usually the same one. And there's a slim line between embracing or tossing it. Its as though the mind can select, while now 'any' other thought might do the trick. Its not so much about the 'pivotal' one, but more about the mindset. Lifestyle or ... "way of being". So, in essence ... its another dilemma. The one side says that 'hammering home the point' doesn't do the trick - but if it isn't there, there is no trick. And thats kindof the trick.
I think.
Watching Stargate - thinking about the moral implications or suggestions - thats not everyones thing. I suppose. I mean, there certainly is enough 'sense' within that. And by that I don't mean a 'particular' sense, like in Golden Chains, ... but more so the opposite. Relying so on 'one' ... "tool of indoctrination" ... that so aims at specific points ... ... . There's a chance that someone would accept something - and as of that there is a chance that others will do the same. Thinking about a book, like ... the book of Origin ... it has the chance to check many boxes. ... . But ultimately thats just 'planting seeds' - and for better or worse - its still up to the individual/ones mind to do the rest.

I think that is why Astair bothers me so much. Hmm. Well - I initially wrote a lot about how I felt like I wasn't myself - for a simple way of putting it - mostly thinking about 'flares' of emotion (well, Episode 12 reminded me of that) that to me were irrational. My "decision" regarding my way ... hmm. Well, things don't make sense. They don't line up. Although there certainly is a part of me that is capable of such ... "compulsion". I mean ... I'd feel put into a bad spot and eventually "light up" in some range alike "You'll see" - but filled with wrath. I so would tell you that that isn't me - though surely, it somehow is. Its just blown out of proportions. And being 'seen' ... or 'felt' like that can be taken many ways. Some might look at it straight and laugh about me. Thats the simplest route. Others might see it from the opposite end. Thinking that its the good or right thing/way ... then perceiving me as weak as I'm incapable of following through.

But so it has become one of my policies to not be bothered too much about details or accidentally breaking something. Well, though on the opposite end I do "feel like" a Giant. I need to be careful where I step, sotospeak. I'm not sure, but generally I feel like a huge person in a small flower-garden.
But ultimately its not the 'feeble' ... that is 'strong'. What I mean is that there may be a lot of missed opportunities, points where I just 'barely missed' the mark 'convincing' X or Y; While being more than on point regarding Z. Anyway one of the many troubles I faces is the issue of time, exposure and contact. At 'the very best' I could hope for some short passive exposure - right before "whatever else" would kick in to work against it. And eventually its rather this back and forth that gets the job done.

And most of it is up to God anyway. Thats ... often 'the last line of defense' I have once I'm getting "moodie" again. Whatever I do - no matter how pointless it all seems every once in a while - I got to believe that there's a point, a purpose, ... and that if anything 'is' to happen - its down/up to Him to go let/make it.

And, what do I know about what works for whom? I mean, it seems like sometimes "being figured out" is enough. Well, "figured out" how? Or "what"? Being a bad person ... and then wondering ... 'why' ... actually. ... For instance.

Or ... 'are we' ... winning? (I wrote the previous part before I wrote the projections thing)

I'm crazy. Basically ... thats objectively the case. Confused at the very least. Confused and unable to do something against it. So - as clarity is inevitable to come up under this headline ... the thing is that for me there's as much as a 'Character' "I'm playing" here. Lets call that Character ... Cleopatra for now. Its the part of me thats all open for the Esoteric "nonsense" thats coming in. So, from being a whore over Sexual Slavery and God knows how many lives, to ... well, ... 'which names' ... I'd relate to.

I got to be. "Playing" this Character allows me to be true to whats 'growing in there' - which, by the way, comes without the much needed actual experiences. By which I don't mean 'the things I want' - but how these "wants" are reflected in society. ... Uh ... yea. Which makes it more complicated?

Anyway ... there's the other side of me where 'all of that' is crazy. I mean, all the things that I so get to "integrate into my Character" that don't have any real pragmatic meaning are crazy. So even "being a Whore". That so has no meaning if I don't really work as such. I can write that that isn't how (I think) its supposed to work - but the direct line is the shortest.

Names that inevitably are going to pop up as part of the story are first ... not regarding the negative mentions ... are Madonna, then Amanda Tapping, then there's Monica Bellucci (note how she's the Star of the credits) ... while the appearance of each is an independent story. So, the way Amanda is significant is different to Madonna - or how she appeared "in there". And finally ... Taylor is like all the rest. I made the initial comparison to J.Lo - and for the time being I can't avoid seeing more and more parallels.

Right now I'm in "justification mode". Basically I'm flipping between 'real' and 'Character' - ... which isn't really a carefully measured differentiation. But well. I think, more to the point - and trying not to come across as smart - my "real" self is to convince the rest of me that its crazy. On the other end I've written what I've written - "in Character" - and real self tries to debunk that. Every now and then it gains 'weight' and that makes me 'believe' that I'm in crazytown, thus making me eager to smartass myself out of it.

Madonna first appeared to me as a figure of Light floating beyond some veil. Was it her personally? I doubt it. But to draw you a picture: I was sitting at my desk scheming of Sex in Religion, more or less - well - at the beginnings of what might eventually turn into that. While, it actually just turned into that right now. I thought of it more from the socializing perspective. However, I was open minded, looking for cues - stuff to think about, and "there she was" and the Light felt comforting. Somehow like glue.
What exactly this means however is ... unclear.
Monica on the other end is a "Character" that ... 'slowly' became ... kindof relevant. Amongst all the things that went on in me, "her image" would generally stick out and instill some calm within me. Comfort. Closeness. And how she gets a 'wink' in the Credits, all 3 times so far, that only ... right? ... "crowns it".

So, two different stories of significance - and what I got from that is all just in my head right now. Or heart. Spirit. Mind. Whatever.

And in a way - would all these words, I feel, be already too much into a 'bad' direction for some. So let me just get 'one' thing clear: Mostly the biggest question for me was and in a way still is the 'difference' between 'all' of them. I have 'so many' ideas of 'love' that I might find myself interested in committing to - "monogamously" - and yea. If my story had no meaning to you, you wouldn't care about how "i" experienced anything. So you wouldn't think as I of 'an actual thing' between her and I that would amount to any kind of practical insights.

"Justification Mode" ... I have this weird feeling that itches me to update my "Taylor Swift story", while on the other end I had convinced myself to ignore it for the most part. The next one were Amanda. I mean, after I'd properly confuse myself about her to whatever ends ... or what? I'm questioning my beliefs however - and certainly that too extends into clarity.

And clarity - well. There's this 'topic' - this question for 'what' is supposed to happen when and how, in the beginning of "us" - where first of all I mean "it" to be an open invitation to 'all'. If there's a group that wants to and can support me - thats fair enough. Whatever. Just ... whatever. Its a blank space. Eventually thats gonna happen somehow - while when clarity is the topic thats the one and only thing that really matters. So, there is only "this one group" - where we could draw circles: Church, Satanism, "Venus". So, Church is as blanks as it gets, Satanism is more specific and "Venus" is the "in group". Another thing to feel crazy about. "Like I could/would ...".

Another perspective is to look at individuals. So, Madonna, Amanda, Monica and Taylor. As it stands they don't have a fixed position in the whole either - at which the "issue" was to find to which extent our attachments to each other overlap. Or stuff like that. Or they'd have a fixed position; Or they'd look 'at me' for one. As the truth emerges on behalf of God through within or whatever - we are to however find ourselves in the proper positions. We could say: Because I'm in Satanism and Madonna is to connect with me she's in Satanism. But its a bit dangerous to put it that way. Its the direct line to crazy ... . In the end she's gonna be in Satanism 'of herself' - if at all. Whether that be by reference to me or someone else or some'thing' else. So 'technically' she should be there - because "how else" would certain things make any sense; But yea - thats ... the question. What is this Light for or about? I can speculate - but in the end it is to somehow be about her. So, wherever she stands.
I have one side of the story, she has another - and if our individual perspectives didn't matter; Why even bother ... with anything?

But so the 'honesty' thing. If we don't have a basis for trusting each other, well - whatever. So yea, there's a whole bunch of other things that end up being of importance; But so ... "BLANK SPACE". Baptism, Unification ... done! We'll see what we get from arriving where we ought to!

So, technically 'blank space' is just that - and it has an individual meaning for us. Lets say: It resembles what we 'are to' expect. If its just neutral nothing, it isn't much of a home. Its just neutral nothing. So what matters for me here is a home. Whatever 'special duty' I might have is only "slapped on". It were an exception solely made for me. But while there's nothing to 'work with' - there isn't really a thing.

Anyway are there now basically 3 competing layers of expectation. There is 'neutral', there is "the One 'power fantasy'" and there is home and belonging. And I feel like people tend to like to misunderstand the latter. Can't we just all live in standard boxes? OK, but how is "sub culture" getting organized? Free market? Marketplace of ideas? So, in a simple setup, situations where people would "beg" for money to get something going. And its just that - to equalize "opportunity bias" away.

I mean. "You're right!". There is no Disco without Disco people - and the better Disco between one that is "State Run" and one that is "Disco people operated" ... is probably the latter. The point is that at every "operation" there are people that run the operation.

So, lets say we all lived in Uniform boxes - who would run those things? Well, people living in the same boxes. Of course! Because there is no other way of living. But how do we now get from point A to point B? By eventually starting to ignore the standard boxes; Because ... they don't matter in this discussion at all!

So are there those names, first of all, that I get attracted to - next to which there are institutional Entities. Here, even if you were to put me on top of anything or everything, my 'perspective' going in is that of an "unbelonging" individual that has the wealth of it all at its disposal. So, figuring out 'where I want to be'. So, there is this "Blank Space" circle/plaza - and from there lines go into different directions leading to more specialized circles/plazas.

So, taking my Spine as Royalty/Deity - that now is at first more of a question. I put it on my paper, get stamps on it, ... which should mean that when I find the place I'm meant to be at, where those labels are to matter, they are gonna matter. Else we couldn't 'stamp' them since we couldn't really guarantee their relevance. And that ... well ... we could call it a "Club ID".

Then, I'm gonna look for the place I want to be at. And thats a place where I'm welcome. Else, why would I want to be there? If I'm where I want to be but am not really welcome anywhere - I might find myself present in a more 'general' spot. I mean, what else could it be?

So, how does this work? "I start Satanism"? No! I'm just a person coming in. Even if I'm the first to do so. I have this image that I'd be coming in, draw this circle of Satanism around me and call it my ship or something. While the conjecture is certainly reasonable, it misses out on some of the details. If I so were the first and only so far, that circle would 'also' be drawn around me. Me stating my belonging and getting it confirmed - thats the two sides that are necessary for it to be "thingified". What I then can do for "my Church" - as its only member - isn't even a thing yet. I can take my leave while others do their thing and wonder; While else trying to live my life. From the box I'm living in. Once more individuals would join the group I'd sooner or later inevitably be "a Goddess" - and I for myself would wonder about what others make of it. So, the more people there are - the more it will take shape. So, as being now a community composed of people that presumably have some "standard work", there is interest. If we think in money: There is money those people earn that they again can spend on. In a money-less situation that means that the workers gain the right to demand support for certain things. So, the Church gets funded by the amount of support its members put into it. This means that the Church can become an employer. Basically. So, 'cleric' is a profession. But first there needs to be some order to begin with. The Church itself could at the very start just be a 'sub-assembly' - but management and hierarchy makes it so that there inevitably 'has to be' some centralized ground. So, the 'shapeless' community organizes itself into an Entity. Here also some sense of what the whole thing is about comes together.

The real challenges are of 'interaction'. "Oh no, we have to find a way to talk things out amongst each other!" How crazy!!! "That can never work!"

I think ... the issue with me being ... it "sounds" odd but I can't deny its ... what it is ... me being "the bottom of all bottoms" - when it comes to Sexual duties - can easily be misunderstood. I mean, I didn't know how to understand it properly. So I would remain confused - having urges to express something but never really getting around to it. And now - well, ... I get that I wasn't ever even close. It would be "your" thing though. In a sense - taking me as a reference 'like that' means that any other individual like me is just as valuable. At the very least. You wouldn't do to them what you wouldn't do to me.

That is an 'in Character' prognosis. One of the things I have to mention eventually, while on the other end it just 'adds unto crazy'. I however 'am' a Part of "Venus" - and while I'm submissive and a Goddess my function were that of empowering others by simply submitting to them. So, Madonna or Amanda come to mind. In this context more specifically Amanda. But the implications thereof would change depending on where she's at. If so everything I assume of her is correct, her place might be somewhere else in Satanism. So the link might not be Venus to Venus, but Venus to Baphomet for instance. Or something entirely different. There so is a place I feel her to be 'at' - but where that place is and how I am connected to it is a totally different story that I alone can merely guess about.

So, I cannot 'empower' Amanda to be leading Satanism, that unless she's a central figure within Satanism and hierarchical "on top enough". As otherwise I'd file in as Slave of Satan so, whoever ended up leading the Church would in some way be in charge over me - but that is still technically an act of me empowering them to do so.

Next, once I'm a part of Venus it is up to "Venus" to use me. Which means - if there is a way "they" think I could be useful, within the margins of my "venerated existence", they'd put me to that use.

What I so see ahead of me as a 'good' line of expectations is an upwards slope. So, drawing a line from the bottom left to the top right of a sheet of paper - first off. Now segment the breath into smaller segments. Each representing a lifetime. So, each life could start and end ... anywhere. It goes up and down, zig-zagging along the line in the background. Some lifetimes could entirely be 'above' the "average", others could tend to lower that again - and the "best" ones are the really steep climbs. Thats the "Lubricated" version sotospeak.

In regards to that I have a ... vision of sorts. Expressed here and there ... . The general goal for the more perverted side of things would be to think of teenage prostitutes. 16 as a target age, where the fantasy would require them to at that point choose life as a prostitute 'against' freedom. So, they need to know about their situation. In the idea they are then provided with a fate - be it diced out or whatever - and they have to agree with "each position" thereof or else they drop out entirely. That is now the focus of what I'm trying to get at. The "this is the demand" versus the alternative. In the idea there is the passion inside that would drive the individual to embrace everything. At least so the ideal. If there's however a point the individual can't agree with - thats as much of an indicator that the individual needs a break; Or something else.
At that point - living would be much more about gathering experiences; And the increase or decline of sexual "tensions (of the extreme)" over the years would be influenced by that. So, the moment that beings are predetermined to get born into certain circumstances they are part of a fold - and the base expectation would be that they wouldn't get out of it anymore. So, if what we did were unbearable, there soon wouldn't be any offspring to fill up the ranks. Or the habits would simply become more bearable. So the curve would stabilize around some way.

For me, Madonna makes a good Character for some horror stories. At least in this context. So - despite me being drawn towards her; Well - I first of all assume that this 'stays' the way it is. So, once she's 'in' and I meet her it would still be there and then also fulfilling "its purpose" - that'd make it mutual. But the way I submit to her would still have to come in stages.

And as for me. I feel less and less joy from playing Videogames - thats still a thing. I still happen to have enormous reservations about it, but I understand that when "taken in" properly all my reservations are going to just pop. And thats as much sanity as I can find in this. My reservations are strong - and based upon them I am concurrently developing myself. If it came down to a 'sudden' choice - one vs. the other - I'd generally vote against being a whore; But through connecting with others on that Level it would still be an inevitability. Its however a matter of time and opportunities. The latter is also pretty much a matter of organization, the former one being a matter of growth.

But well. The way my feelings for Taylor changed is ... previously she felt as comforting towards my female identity, now thats somehow gone; But things fit better into the rest. And as for her warning ... I ... happen to take it a lot more seriously now! But ... "whats good for my pussy is good for me!". Generally speaking!

How strongly we'll align to our esoteric values is a different question. And is 'the' question on top of all things "society" - to my understanding at least.

And thats the fundamental pillar. The pillar from where we 'might' start 'crazy'. Or from where we 'would'. ...

Fill in only if you are not real

The following XHTML tags are allowed: <b>, <br/>, <em>, <i>, <strong>, <u>. CSS styles and Javascript are not permitted.