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Serotonin re-uptake inhibition

Fundamental/EmpiricalPosted by Nicole Wed, August 08, 2018 15:26:46

Lady Slut and Roleplaying Issues

[A practical insight into the workings of clarity and love in relation to psycho-active substance intake]

Along with how the Matrix keeps on confirming me in my own self-perception I feel less of a need to justify me in my being. As of that I would normally start getting 'back' into that subject with a mindset that assumes that generally speaking my position is taken as nonsense. So I would have to start at square one and re-iterate the introduction points etc. which as it so happens would here and there come hand in hand with newer associations to the subject matter.

In this contrast I would further feel generally alone. Being 'down a path' that would be too extreme for even the most "hardcore sluts" to follow. At least enough to kick them out of their 'concept of alignment'. So I would for instance think that a person which has inherent ties to certain Satanic themes and Sexuality would easily feel stranger to the concepts I have to the point where there would be no alignment recognized. At that point it then would seem rather difficult for me to 'explain' how it is just an attitude problem. Or how that persons alignment would yet be individual and in its differences still valid as it is.

Yet it is one of the 'core items' of all that. Essentially one could metaphorize 'it' to the glowing candle. The issue of individuality and - to the "uninitiated": the Profane truth of Gods attitude to value and support our individuality. That however and most certainly (as utterly self-understood) in alignment to His great sense of divine Unity and Harmony. So, naturally it is one self-explaining tenant of 'Paradise' that we won't harm one another. Some might think that it is the nature of a finite world with finite resources that we have struggles to begin with, but of the ten commandments only one actually deals with worldly possession. If we exclude 'life' as one of them.

One has to keep in mind that not only do we there deal with everlasting Life, but as of that also with the term of 'living'. And living comes with all the "bam". Expectations, Plans, Joys/Pleasures, etc.; So that something as simple and technically essential as "reproduction"/Love (well, lets call it 'simple' (by concept)) gets complicated as it involves another individual with the same basis of ... "rights" of freedom. It is through that, that the idea of the promise of "70 virgins" needs to be linked to the question whether there even be 70 people that would wanna share time with you.

As otherwise confusing, I came up with the term 'Psi' (well, ...) in association to 'Clarity' to frame the social elements to it. So, my clarity being 'Whore' or 'Sex-Slave' - it needs be so that there is a Pimp/Owner for it to work. While that is implied within Clarity, Psi takes us/me to the 'actuality' thereof; Though I have to keep on mind that my case might be special in that my privacy and "professionality" are close to each other. It is however now so as a part of Clarity or Psi, that Gods influence can manipulate us. That is one way to assume that one might have X number of spouses. Thus - simply suggesting that God elects 70 individuals per person that are by all means bound to wanting to be with that other one. One way God could take care of doing this right by evaluating our individualities and corresponding interests and priorities. And there Love comes down to its most pragmatic and logical "data points". Whom would I want to be in Love with, if not with someone I can vibe with? Eventually this point is hard enough to make any alternative seem irrational - but it still is "too technical" to really sit well with us. We can't explain it, ergo we can call it irrational still, but as of that would also know that rationality - to our understanding - isn't always perfect. It is flawed. This is also why we should be scared away from "Golden Chaining". So, implying too much into a simple root of understanding.

On the same note: Free Will is irrational since if it were not, it would not exist since it would be entirely based on rationality. And by being that, there is no free will, or will at all.

So is individuality itself also irrational since rationally we should want and want to be all the same. Because rationality only knows perfection without divergence/risk.

Respectively do I understand my Love-situation as something akin to a puzzle. Well, or ... "flowers and bees" in a distant sense. Flowers and Bees - well, this model is easy to visualize. We have "buds" - and when in Love with someone else, their "bees" come and fertilize them. These then are 'memories'; Experiences that basically carry that social bond. And it is to me so that they cannot be undone. I suggest it is because of our emotional connection to them, that they simply become pivotal elements to our emotional constitution influencing our entire "social meta" (reasoning of Love). Well, unless we've lost our active memory of them. Then they work more ... passively. Yet as our minds have grown around them, they would still function in relative patterns.

So do I for instance know - as through the Force I must assume - that there is one that I am supposed to Love, but I cannot love "her" like I do love my #1. The "#1 buds" will always contradict to that.

So is it with 'adultery', the case of finding another ("more suitable") Lover, that the Love experience is different. One eventually saturated the experiences with the one and then moved on to something else. The success with that would/should depend on how "wholesome" that Love interacts with ones intermediate reality/world/life/consciousness/... .

In my case I believe it to be so that my "first buds" are "whore-ish". Saying: I have enjoyed various states of intimacy without direct Love towards an individual. Then came my first Love and respectively are there yet my 'first buds' that entice me to further experience my life as a prostitute of some kind. It is complicated - saying: It takes time to wrap ones head around those things. I mean - once things start coming they come, as far as I understand, in no 'practical' order. An order starts to be perceptive once a certain amount of "things" have come up; Sufficiently so to realize some context and relativities. Respectively does ones image/perception also change over time until it has settled within its own sotospeak.

This is to say that coupling is ... complicated ... when understood, as far as I understand, through "the eyes of God". And something tells me that it is not only complicated, but paramount. I further think that we aren't all "of the same cloud". Although some individuals might be bigger to the point that they are a part of a cloud that inhabits many. As a cloud I hereby mean, simply enough, a collective of beings caught up in what would be a "sense" of co-existence. A part of God, as I would describe it, that links us together. But perhaps its better to think of some geology where now there are regions, boundaries and gates. And then some evolution over time.

When thinking of Love we can so think of 'things' and 'links'. I can so want a specific thing, or a specific link. Both comes with the respective other; but priority-wise that also generates conflicts within our understanding of fairness. If I now want 'some-one' who would be best at giving 'the thing' to someone else - so for instance - whats it gonna be? Should God prioritize the link or the thing?

Ultimately to me it comes out that the link takes priority because they are unique; In that I for instance cannot replace someone. And I would suggest that that is good! It adds meaning to 'true Love'. But further we must wonder whether true Love is always mutual; And I would suggest: Yes - if so that these buds that I'm talking of are inherently mutual constructs. In that regard they would assure a 'strong Link' that also works for those involved.

It is now through such issues that my Clarity is re-affirmed. Or my clarity in some way shapes the demands wherein I then find my Love-interests confirmed. And thats how I experience the reality of my "sexual excessiveness". Ergo: It is 'not' a 'practical idea' of how life should be. But an abstract one.

But still practical to some extent. So is there my clarity by which I settle my priorities. Respectively - since my real-time existence shows none of such habits - do I experience it as stranger once clarity related concepts grow within me; But still is it so that any prospect of a related lifestyle happens to be enticing towards me. The more I progress in my gender transition, the more I'm easing up towards Loving 'men' - so, becoming Hetero-Sexual (or "remaining" so); Although ultimately I still see myself as lesbian.


It is now clear to me that the influence of the Force (God) in all this is 'fundamental'. Saying, God helps us procure our vital interests and priorities and further helps us structure our lives accordingly. That is clear to me since I've experienced the effects of Serotonin re-uptake inhibition (Anti-Depressives (Venlafaxin (75mg/day (starting with less)) that clearly cancelled out a certain spectrum of emotions. I can still experience their foundations, but the effect isn't quite as strong. I suppose that my depression caused a stronger draft into a depressing interpretation of those foundations.

Serotonin re-uptake inhibitors 'block' the body from ... "recycling" Serotonin. That is important because Serotonin cannot be "put into" the brain - or something like that. There's a barrier, so, when consumed it stays in a part of the nervous system thats irrelevant to our mood. Inhibiting its re-uptake means that more is available, but it also ... messes things up a bit. Its hard to explain, but ultimately the key insight to this is that the spirit has a broader unity with the body than we might suspect. I think we can draw an analogy to Quantum-Physics where we can imply that quantum states (super-positions) can be directly associated to Gods will. And as we are supposed to have physical senses to for instance feel pain, our minds need a strong link to its ... biochemistry we'd assume I suppose.

So can the presence of certain compounds within our nervous system be rationalized as carrying specific moods or at the very least 'impressions' - which then would be resources to our minds ability to ... function. So, the more dopamine we produce the more ... "off the ground" our thoughts can be. Serotonin on the other end helps us relax - in the broadest sense - while I however assume that its re-uptake is also coupled to certain conditions which once inhibited are simply put inhibited.

Hence does my sexual excessiveness now no longer exist emotionally - reasonably - ... uh, as reasonably emotional, but by a fundamental understanding of myself that yet renders me incapable of settling upon or reasonably creating alternate solutions. Well, unless there is sufficient space. One example of such would be in the assumed 'void' that a practically monotone setup somehow implies. So, understanding myself as a 'sex doll' implies that I have no reason outside of being a sexual utility and as of that would settle in a way that could be regarded as demise or depressive. One step further away from "mechanical" I understand myself as a pet. So, animalic patterns of behavior surrounding those mechanisms that make me that kind of doll I am. Yet with a higher level of mental activity we inherently leave that sphere where now the question for my mental activity needs an answer; And this answer can only be sexualized indirectly. And then, when so generalizing my activity as creative (Designer) my ability to realize that within sexual terms is also limited by ... things. Necessity for once; But maybe more importantly the respective impact regarding the equilibrium between submission and dominance. So, being submissive by kind 'should' block me from functioning "creatively dominant". So, the extent of how sexualized my intellectual activity can be cannot be inherently dictated. There is however a bit of tolerance. Well ..., the thing being that intellectual work is work of its own, where now sexual items cannot be rationally integrated. Thinking of math for instance can Sex not really be a thing; Unless that math could somehow produce sexuality; Which would be more of a random thing that furthermore were too ... abstract to settle on that for a thing. As so math takes the upper hand.

Well, I'm not that good at math but I happen to have sufficient understanding of it to support my Programming interests. While there I find myself ambitioned to utilize it sexually, the work itself that is to support those ambitions has to be done vastly in ignorance of it. Its a weird dynamic.

Well, regarding my Creativity however I don't really experience myself as free. That supports me in recognizing me as submissive by nature. And its only depressing if one were to exclude all the sexual fun from the equations.


Writing about ... something

General StuffPosted by Nicole Sat, August 04, 2018 15:38:38
OK. Well, first of all there's a progress update of sorts concerning my medical story. I'm soon out of the Psychiatric Day Clinic to again be stationary however in a Psychosomatic thing. And then back to psychiatric day clinic. It turns out ... as I've also begun to record here ... that my story is a bit more complicated than I realized. And most importantly ... how I would realize in realtime. So, usually ... I'm feeling fine. After some lows, which I wouldn't consider as lows but just ... uh, whatever, I'm back at normal while being optimistic about my future and my ability to handle the same. Taking my concerns that I'm writing about into 'pronounced reality' is ... somehow ... broken. And that should also go for the other concerns I'm having.

Like so however was it so previously on the Matrix that the whole me vs. them issue got kicked onto another Level. So, to recap ...

12: 'We' started to be officially the bad guys
13: An example - where I tried to "play through" Neo's story but got caught up within issues and ... "replaced" ... in a way ... by Smith. Thats where I figured that this whole 'we are the bad guys' thing is a bit more serious.
14: Is where it got more tight, ... with I guess the statement being something like "we're not letting go of it" and ... poor little Neo looking ... a lot like a poor little Neo.
15: Oh yea. I had to scroll down to remember. Yea. The whole Transformers thing. And the Neverending story. Also the whole DJ Genki Dharma issue. And closing a loop on some YouTube stuff I had to re-record. The Transformers thing is first of all like a Nail in the Coffin giving a great example of how 'the Matrix' can turn one thing into another. Its simple though. In the end one is free to interpret anything into everything. The music simply provides a narrative to help it out a little. On a side-note would I suggest that this DJ Genki Dharma issue was a real one. At least for me, ... focusing on the "this is Big Bro, taking over the show" track; Which to me at first seemed like it is one 'they' provided as an example of what I did, making it look like it doesn't fit in with the rest. While however "starting" the Neverending Story show with it there's something of a ... 'lock' on them tracks. Tracks that I made - which I say since I suppose that they might have upgraded some to generate a greater disparity between my and their story.
16: I have to say that Nosferatu was creeping up on my mind frequently. This time I did it, and yea - without its audio but we got back around to that later and it was awesome. I had watched the Witch just shortly prior and since also had an urge to write about it and also to feature it on the Matrix Phenomenon. I was in-deed looking for specific moments, though rather trying to also not really spoil the whole movie. So, it was a bit like hit or miss. What bothered me was that there are previews when moving onto the timeline. Though sometimes when skipping around in the matrix I'm looking for specific moments that I eventually miss; I find it extremely distracting when I can see exactly where I'm going. What I didn't know ... but suspected ... kindof happened. The moment where the boy dies for instance. I couldn't know that some DMX track would play round about there - but I yet expected it since it would make sense. It turned out differently than I expected, but yea. To the ending, well. Its a bit confusing - but I think what works out fine is the interpretation of ... well. Taken slowly: In the matrix there's the confusion that arises from the idea of being the bad guy that in a different context I were Neo. And me doing these things 'wrongly' would make Smith the threat - like ... representing my mental illness. This is essentially circumvented by 'the Witch' since here we can manifest - as per context - me for the Witch and her dad for the bad guy. Who gets his final blow as Smith disintegrates, while the first blow co-incides with Neo being hit. Its a two in one thing thats hard to sort out I guess and this difficulty persists in what was to follow.
There is the Pandra scene where the issue stands that "this female Character" takes over the form of Neo. That would be the first explicit moment I think where the "we are the bad guys" concept is "hijacked". The loss of this 'hijack' would also co-incide with the Machines gaining ground in Zion which so firther tightens ... "the Witch construct". Lets call it that way. Or not. I feel like my suggestions never make it. Anyhow ...
Being a little bit clueless after 'this is the end' - which was kindof projected like an end to the struggles - ... oh. The end to revolutions with the Witch in the background was kindof eerie. Wasn't it? Anyhow. So I went back to Genki Dharma to get closure on this within the Matrix and ... also with some Hentai. As it stands it could be reviewed as a game of chances - although because I do it, it isn't quite that. The point was simply to see what'd happen - and I surmise that it stands as based on the Witch Construct that this 'Darkness' may now stand.
For me 16 was simply 'announced' in a way that I would do Porn, but I still wasn't into it right away. But as that truth in me gained ground I was more and more comfortable with it. The Conan thing also gave me some strength and in this supposed Chaos of interpretations (although there's the cone thing) is a clear "I can do this, and you?" thing. Just so as a hint at what the "game" actually is about. This ... me vs. them thing. Which should be important as we're getting deeper into the rabbits hole.
Then at some point we got to the "final take-over" with this amazing Smith appearance where Neo got turned ... sotospeak ... into a Angel Blade (Punish) Character. Which then also allowed me, to my self, although yet in hindsight, be more into porn. So in 16-4 I started with no porn and gradually turned into porn until we have that Urotsukidoji Event which hypes up the Witch Construct to the point thats fitting to what I've written about Clarity.
17: I gave it 3 revolutions so the Matrix could comment on that - sotospeak. Once again however expanding on the Witch Construct, where ... I would point onto Katsunis Bride scene in Pornochic 12 as a very decisive moment. To my surprise was the last revolution more about my Gender - to basically put an emphasis onto my own position. So, pussy over cock - while, the thing with the long kiss goodbye to last for a lifetime is sortof what I've been expecting as well; Though I generally found it to be problematic to write about it.
Was I missing something in 16? Well. The Illuminati, Bond and Werner thing maybe. A funny segment on probabilities I suppose. And for Bond ... getting a bit of a Deathpool (breaking the 4th wall?) thing going. I can't look into it - as to whether the tracks also still line up with the rest of Illuminati. But since the Bond segment was a bit iffy at times I suppose so. Its a question ... whether, or how much, the tracks follow me or are fixed. I'd say ... "its all in the Matrix".
Well, anyhow - also true for 17 the 'rape' issue was touched. Not that anyone with a brain would suggest otherwise, but rape clearly is bad; Though not in all circumstances. Well, it isn't where its consensual. Its a stupidly simple issue, but yea - it keeps on coming up and gets kicked out as well. So in 17-3 finally we have it that the rape issue is brought to a climax due to some Hentai flick thats really explicit - and gets treated miraculously well through two Stargate episodes. One where O'Neill and Carter end up in Antarctica (the Gate switch) and the other where this business guy clones an Asgard. Once saying that we can take the movie as the Asgard without consciousness and make it host to an Asgard consciousness. We can look at it both ways, sotosay. In the one way its clearly bad - in the other we can look at it but have to be careful. Well, its ... corrupted either way. In the bad way it imposes the justification that it'd be good for both of them - which in turn would be the argument on the good end but we'd criticize the conduct. The gate switch is just another way of saying that. There are two possible stances.
And yea. For the question for whether the Matrix Phenomenon could further expand on the Witch Construct without Porn, the answer was Married with Children! And fun fact - Kelly Bundy, fashion wise, has been one of my idols back in the days where the show was on Air. "Prototype".
Hmm, regarding Stargate there's also the Reese thing. Its a bit edgy/iffy, but it still sortof expands on the Witch Construct.

So, with all that it so has happened that in the Me vs. Them issue the Matrix has shifted in my favor; As the situation so is that whenever the Matrix is positive on them Heros it goes to confirm me in my nature; Thus ... making it so that if they were to claim that hero role furtheron it goes on to turn them into Bitches.

What we can expect is another Married with Children segment, because ... 17-2 crashed at some point projecting that, ... while else we can look at it like a Prophecy - thinking of my Prophetic function being that of doing the Matrix thing rather than writing of what I believe in; Where the confirmation of my clarity gives me a strong leeway as for all the things that go into that. Otherwise one might go to look at it as a simple reflection about what I believe in, free of right or wrong, ... and as that is a stance that can be maintained no matter what we're back at the original problem. Who is who, what and why? And all that.

Although I see nothing in this world that should make me feel any confident ... I still ... perceive other things in the realm of the spirit, motions, whatever - suggesting that they are at an end. The line in the sand has turned into a canyon. They would be upset because according to them, I'd be supposed to pick stuff to go in their favor - making me wonder: How? One issue is that even if it so happened just to give you an example of how it could look - they wouldn't take it as an example. I suppose. Probably causing 'an escalating probability of disaster'. Or something like that. If the Matrix so stays persistent on not making such 'for instance' things "anymore" - staying on its course - gives it a way to be more than just a fancy phenomenon. Or, as what the Phenomenon implies, being a ... while still factually profane but yet ... "interesting" thing. I mean ... we can't break the rules here - and it all stands on what you imply as how this whole thing works and comes together. And the more "sacred" it so becomes by keeping a straight line, the more "profane" is also turns out to be to those that don't want to or yet can't see it the other way.

So the issue of thinking of a message within the Matrix Phenomenon is a bit iffy, although certainly inevitable beyond a certain point. Else there wouldn't really much of a point to keep going aside of simple repetition and consequential growth. Which is I think where I default back to; Although I'm now basically stuck between more options than just three movies.

At the point of thinking of a message the lucky thing is however that the messages the Matrix can provide are indirect. The black and white vintage movie in 17-3 for instance portrays, at some point, some journey which we again can project as going into two directions. One good, the other bad. And at that point we're basically back, in all simplicity, at what a movie is or can be there for. Simple reflection. And at that the issue stands that it says what I said - thinking of our freedom, of tolerance, of progress - along this ... blurry line of morality and ethics. Which to me is really one of the most important things at all. As the whole of my clarity story implies anyway. Its not as simple as "Sexual Harassment" vs "Freedom of Speech". I mean - just thinking about it ... makes me feel more stupid. How is that even a 'vs'? OK, it is. But what is the accuser demanding? Thats the pivotal problem. We need a cultural change - while - more to the point, if being more dramatic, rooting out the bad from the good. But how do we do that? In John Olivers piece he interviewed that lady, ... and she wouldn't see the problems solution at changing the woman. And while I can see the truth in that, I can also see the flaw in that. Its as with mobbing. Guys are getting mobbed - but what can they do other than learning how to deal with it? Its a great conversation to be virtue signaling - but none on which we could make actual progress. Its always going to be about censorship vs. freedom of speech - or otherwise tyranny vs "democracy" in the broadest sense. Later down the line we'd have to wonder about which way 'we' would wanna go. Sacrifice Democracy because it failed or improve upon our values of what Democracy should truly mean - going the other direction.

And at the core of it, this conversation is so far apart from the contemporary common sense vision that insanity rules in behalf of virtue signals that the average person is conditioned to support because most people are decent people!

Its all about taking a personal stance, but one has to be careful about whom to stand on an issue with. In lots of ways can one stand with me - and although I'm not directly supporting any SJW items one can see how doing so would support those core interests. Although practically we still see the more important issues on the Anti_SJW side. They can so more easily stand on my side, but with the very same issues also stand on a completely opposed one. Further: While it seems that I stand with rape and misogyny, nobody should stand on my side; But when learning where the line is drawn, I don't stand with rape and misogyny in that sense yet fiercely against it - so nobody should stand opposed to me on that one actually. Because simply are there things that would seem sexist that shouldn't be regarded as that. Like ... (humor on, "somehow") 'having a penis'.

"Amen, my words into Gods ear" ... well, last time I checked ... thats what we say ... isn't it?

Else, ... well. I ... it seems like I should write about last nights dream I had. Which ... coincides with another thing. I mentioned that I get primed somehow before I have interviews; And since then things sortof changed a little. Now there is this odd thing that told me that in three weeks from now or whatever I'd say that I no longer am a Slut.
Well, in tonights dream I started playing Ark again and there was a building that I deconstructed which apparently belonged to my first big Love, Anna. Anyway. It got a lot more crowded and at some point there was a bit of an issue about her and me eventually getting along again somehow. Somehow playing into this Love idea, that she and I might get together again. So there were emotions around in the dream that I'm not having in reality; Though I suppose if I were in the same room with her ... who knows?
I mean - as far as I'm concerned I suffer some Stress Disorder to which she isn't without relevance. And to totally spin this out of ... thing ... there's the totally other issue of my Kinks being manipulations of some sort. Or, my Kinks/Clarity being actually a symptom of me secretly loving ... who to me would be the Antichrist. The ending of Kill Bill, where Bill expresses his disability to believe Beatrix comes to mind there too.
This on the other end is present to me by an attitude that would want to make me believe that connected to a layer of ... something ... that, well, ... suggests him as a gentle person to me. Its like a mantle. It isn't there always, but sometimes it wraps around my core and comes with this picture of him resting his hands on my shoulder - appearing all strong and supportive. And thats a problem to me. The Matrix so far went to put it as "we're just good friends". Making it clear that the freak in me is satisfied by the great Manitu personally. "By the way". Where the Antichrist would instead go to hijack my expressions of that relationship and imply that he's the one they're aiming at.
The situation is simply so: Technically I could fall for him/them by starting to value what they put upon me as impressions of them. They could go as far as trying to make me believe that these impressions are symptoms of a suppressed Love. Or you. Trying to make you believe that, or such.
The problem there is that the things which so happen to be apparently good are actually functionally evil.


Frozen - "the Witch"

Fundamental/EmpiricalPosted by Nicole Sun, July 29, 2018 15:13:34
[Of converging with the Darkness and Evil]

I once invented a Name for the Father; Abayan; And that moment ... a figment ... appeared. Lusting for it. Prolonging it. Digging on me so that I might give this name to him. I declined. Yet ... it went on. It continued. And soon - I'm not sure which - it continued with threats. Not against me, but against whom I Loved ... and I became weak and did as it requested. It wanted to take me from behind. It did - but soon I felt deceit; Yet I felt dirty, dirtied, ... the name ... tainted. The relationship to my Father, the Father, ... well ... apart of stains it seemed all just well.

Soon enough God was familiar to me by ... well ... a strong growth of hair on his back. And I loved it. It was cozy. Weird ... it should seem ... and in deed, we'll be getting there.

So time passed by and I had started to prostitute myself. I felt like I wanted to be a part of it but just wasn't. I wondered, worried - and the thought of praying to the devil entered my mind and started to nourish itself on my attention. However I tried to repel the idea, it seems as though I was sliding down a slippery slope without anything to hold me. The only thing that I could do was to assure that I wouldn't ... "do the bad thing" per se. Making sure that I wouldn't betray God.

Thereafter, that hair - once so cozy, a happy place like a wonderful forest - turned vile. Sweaty. Sticky. "Ugh" - Nasty. And it made me sad.

Before all that - I once smoked some weed. It was in the Philippines. I had it from some guy. I didn't know another way to smoke it but to take the sticky piece of an envelope to build a joint. I smoked it. Soon thereafter ... I felt like dieing. And I prayed to God to please keep me alive and in return I'd want to be the best Christian there has ever been. Thats where I heard a voice speaking "John, You know that I'm there for you!".

Much later I've been in L.A. at some point. I believed my Love for J.Lo was meant to be. Love ... ... how much ... ill has it brought upon this world?

I once woke up having dreamt of a girl and I knew I wanted to Love her. I prayed to God "please". Later that day I succumbed in the doorway - and vacuum cleaner was presented to me where I had to flip a switch. On or off. Whatever I did - it rang at the door later that day. Two girls stood there that I had never seen; And the one told me that I'm not a man and that she'd be off doing more evil than ever before.

I was in Love with J.Lo and wondered ... what to do? I wrote her a letter and wrote of my desires of submission. Like in a dream it so was that there had been a guy with a crown - and I could have been his ... I suppose. I'm not entirely sure, ... but I didn't want it. Maybe it was me who damaged this toilet ... because I had to in order to consolidate my choice. Not that I remembered much of it.

Everything I did seemed cursed. Could it be ... . My Half-Sister once had me swear something on the Bible. Something I knew I broke, and in return ... something with thorns around my hands ... should happen.

While I was prostituted ... I saw a lot people come and go. Near the end of my time there, ... I stole 25 bucks. While later I was accused of having taken 50 or 75 ... it doesn't matter as it however had been the end for me. I almost stumbled down the stairs, tripping over however once, ... it was a bit as though I got shoved.

There are a lot of strange things I went through. One more I just remembered ... is that I once fell asleep. I was a child. I guess I had listened to some Bible Story Audio Cassette. And in that dream - I think - I was told about my future. About what I am here to do.

I just told the latter ones because ... well. When else might I share them? Well - I did. I might.

Frozen ... . It seems to me as though I'm stuck. Stuck between condemnation and salvation. In some weird limbo. Be it on my way to heaven as some rift to hell opens up; Or on my way to hell with a ray of heaven shining at me.

So well. I quit working in the Red Light, was on the streets; And met even more of those people I had met before in NYC and LA. With one I ended up joking about how far we made it. Unemployed, sitting in a shelter. After some time I had my own room - I was busy with my own stuff - and ignored what friendships I had made. One ... left angrily. Understandably. I felt I didn't have the time.

... I was in LA and attended a sermon. It was in a park and I got to them near the end. The two that had held it asked me about me. Then they prayed for me, that my feet might find the right path and gave me 20 bucks.

... I was in LA and visited a Mormon municipality. Thereafter I went out looking for a post office and ended up wandering around aimlessly. I got thirsty and thought of begging for money, but I felt ashamed ... and unlucky. I asked anyhow - but, I maybe got 25 cents and was demotivated. I sat down in some shadow and inwardly said to God that I'm thirsty. Then ... a preacher who was preaching in the park came to me and told me that I'm going through a need. I jokingly replied that "Yes, I'm thirsty" - but he offered me 20 bucks for listening to his story. Or were it 10?

He was about to commit suicide once. Standing on the Bridge already, thinking that nobody loves him. And it is then where a voice spoke to him from within, telling him "I do". He didn't understand at first - but as he realized that it was Jesus he felt His Love coming over him. Or something like that. And thats basically how or why he became a preacher. And I call that 'the Testimony of Christ'. A ... simple 'epiphany' whereby the truth of Christ is simply put ... 'ignited'.

"The Witch" is a movie that I just watched. From the first moment I had to think about what it was that made me watch it; After I had seen that it wasn't rated all that well.

As I said - I quit my work, had a room, lost a friend; And it was there in my desolation that again ... Satanism would call upon me. I was lost in thoughts of Monica; Confused, wondering about her reality; And I was told that I would have to become a Satanist. The picture of swimming in a public bath, filled in candle light and crowded with people dressed in black was in my mind.

I tried to resist, but my heart turned sore. I saw the way - that it would suit my lifestyle, or my desires more to the point; Things I believed were from God, but diminished in their quality due to constraints of the Biblical Light. I thought it would have to be, as a play per se, a bridge for the mind; But still I resisted. My heart turned black. Splinters of black, tar covered glass striking through it. Just the thought of "making the step" made it go away. Maybe I didn't cover all the options?

I did it however. If it was a sign between right and wrong - it shouldn't go away for something thats wrong!

It wasn't easy to get my head into it. To cut off all the strings to fully dwell in the truth of this Satanism.

What happened is that I sunk deeper and deeper. Found myself a Goddess, craving for life in the Abyss. But powers? Magic?

The Witch is a movie about a Christian family that gets excommunicated from their village and moves out into a wild. They find a place, build a farm, but soon get haunted by a witch - and nothing they try does any good at stopping her. Higher Powers, Forces of Nature, ... all that misses between Mysteries and Sciences is knowledge.

I wonder of my life, my words, my story - everything, my status, my role, ...; And that I despite having experienced miraculous things - and so so at least once every 6 days these days - my life is so ... much not "like that". How little I know. ... Although when moving from picture to fantasy, 16 is quite accurate. Amazing!

I have to think about what I want to write about and must realize that I can't. Sex ... prostitution ... it seems like a cure to my problems. "Do what you dream". But oh my, thats another story.

Anyhow. I have to realize that a lot of crazy comes from misjudging the truths of reality. Clearly. We might look at the bads of 'panic' and see how irrationality causes problems where rationality could solve them. And its about the 'could' rather than the 'would'.

Hmm ... I had a dream once. Watching Matrix Revolutions on Loop for days ... I once slept and dreamt of being in the movie. So I woke up in the back of Niobes car, basically. So, I was sitting there in the back of that car in the dream, and woke up seeing the car on screen. And the 16-2 moment at just a little while ago (2:51) triggered it; The train bit - as that had been in the dream too, sortof.


Well, that somehow concludes the 'Paranormal Activity' I can record. There are dreams; And I think about keeping a dream record of sorts. I had prophetic ones that I understood as such in hindsight and I regard them as too cryptic to be of any worth other than that of looking back and understanding some sort of synergy between dreams and reality. And similarly I look at fortune telling. Fortune telling is similarly "a lie" in that it creates an illusion of ... not choice ... but the opposite while in the meantime suggesting some sort of control one might have. Irony, it seems.

About that though, to address the elephant in the room, ... I suggest its everyones own ... fault? Why is this word creeping up in here? Well - you take what you can and see what you will. Or ... 'as you' ... see what you will. You're looking for something and if it ain't the truth - well, you might see it but still not get it. If we are so without free will and perfectly victims of a semi-deterministic universe ... uh, whats the semi there for? Lets say we behave just as the configuration of our minds allows us to - "perfectly unfree". It is so ours to 'feed' our minds with the proper stuff so it would dig the right thing and do the right stuff, going the right ways. And well, ... 'truth' shouldn't come without some sort of lack of freedom. Its kindof, well, its purpose! Like in a math test. You are free to put whatever answer to any problem - but thats kindof ... not how it works!

As for the other elephant, or elephants ... well. As for this - I see two ways. There's the one of my clarity and stuff about freedom, peace, truth and love. Things that 'the enemy' would understand to package in a way that would have one suggest they can give you better than what God does. And I think thats one item at the center of "the age old struggle" between good and evil. The other is simply about the ... bad I did.

Or ... proposed bad.

? I however understand that God likes us and wants us to be free. And I yet see freedom in slavery. I have this thing ... which in simplicity has me regard this "alternative" as above other possibilities. I so keep writing on my software and get a positive feeling from aiming at finishing it. But if one were to give me the alternative by so for instance purposefully laying waste to it - I find it hard to resist. And thats just a thing, which I at other points regard as possibly deceptive.

God knows why you did what and everyone has to come around recognizing the own faults. Whether they be serious or trivial flaws. We can't overcome them on our own. On the other hand do we need to totally understand ourselves to better realize in how far God supports or interferes with our own freedom.

I so had a way before me - a way I might have moved further on had I not had that tight relationship with the Most High. In hindsight I must find myself pushed back upon it again - while God seems to care about me doing it so as though I had done the "wrong" thing for reals. I suppose its some kind of ordeal that is to put me into the right conditions so I might fully be a part of the world that I suppose is my 'home'. So, the realm of Darkness to be some more explicit.

At the core of it is this weird conflict of worshiping and Gods identity. As I was doing those 'wrong' things I had thoughts on my mind that wouldn't let me reconcile with God. So, I did a 'wrong' and due to that my relationship to God was tainted. I so had to be on my way and basically negate those thoughts in order to find peace again. Let it be time or a specific insight. Well, time would bring the insight.

Now, when trying to assume that all of us are to follow the same 'normity' of divine expectations - uhm. We can draw a cone. Bottom ring being us as a whole; And there's so another ring resembling a layer of rules we all can sit well with - moving towards a point at which our individuality faults us from being uniform. In the idea does this goal also negate our individuality. To draw the cone now the other way, do we have to find God in the center as point that illuminates our individualities which in so are a first ring on that cone. And as how shadows are cast our individualities project as a hologram along their 'lines'.

Well, that means ... or rather so implies ... that every one in a while "my core" - basically 'resets'. That means that I for instance gather up "dirt" in the shape of anything that resists my core identity. In that regard I by the way think I have ... what amounts to 'dirt collectors'. Then through how the line intersects with me, here and there Light "masses up" gathering so as thoughts that directly dissolve the dirt. This is when I move back into what I have built up by my "deviant self" - and I still have to let myself slip back into it, which again masses up "deviant self". A component that directly intersects with my realizations of God. Anyway. The strongest weight in this is "frontal awareness". "Thy self before your eyes in the presence of God". 'True Self' as "bottom to the core" as it gets. The own shame exposed before God. This is where I 'get cast into darkness' or 'fall into darkness'. Likewisely does God hold my bondage insignia to me, while sometimes He giveth Light and sometimes He giveth Dark.

Eventually Light came in the shape of dark.

And that inter ... mingles ... with my idealization of it. Or ... its synergy with my core ideology.

I so then start to Lust for things - and while I regard my pleasure as overwhelming I still can't get enough of it. Sometimes the gates are closed - thats where I can have enough per se - and other times they are opened. Here I'm bound to search for things to further consolidate my ideology.

Now, in regards to the witch we find that final moment where she had spent some time pondering in her desolation and ultimately chose to try out what black Philip could do. Thinking about it, we can find that the odds are in his favor. If she returned to the civilized world and told that a witch killed her family - "entropy" would suggest that sooner or later she'll be regarded one. Be it direct distrust or maybe the lack of faith in something such as witches. Now, classically the way of Christ is that of suffering through it. Which is where we would find ourselves in, with maybe no such thing as an alternative. In the movie we so find a turning towards a thing as a turning away from something else - though the turn itself ... . Probably her fate had been turning during the story. While looking for the right thing, she had been cast into despair which she had to suffer through. She then maybe conceived the Light of Christ for ill. Well so, by judging the people it created. And due to her initial prayer, God would now look for a way to show her His light. In this projected instance her so fiendship towards "them Christians" is in line with Gods criticism towards them. This we can now see as an affiliate of the Light, but still can also be generalized as affiliated to the Dark. While they with one foot might stand in the Light, it is in its state however yet still a false ideology with its own fiendish outgrowths towards the Light. The very Light they claim to stand with. By letting her turn into a witch, God on one end redeemed her from those chores while also giving her ... something. Becoming a predator maybe that feasts on corruption.

So we can now think of the 'sanctity' of the Light - the cliche where creatures of dark are, in the core, inferior to the Light - as for once protection of the kind, but in some other way also a line on which to find true allies. In the same can we so now impose the concept of 'synergy points' specific to a specific way of life or ideology or something - where Good and Evil can exist as the same. Its maybe "the age old tale" of good vs bad wishes. "Karma".

There then is so the issue that the girl turned away from Christ - superficially at least - which within is more an issue of how we package things to quasi "turn aroundst them". We can so take the 'general concept of God and His Law' and turn it away, or be more specific in what nature it is that we are repelled by. Here I have it so that God in the Light and God in the Dark come from two different angles. One is Light and just pure - the other is specifically Lust. I know the two for one but in their presence one usually outshines the other. And so to me it is true that I serve no other purpose than being a 24/7 sex-slave. I can't - resist rape. I must not want anything else. These things are true in an eerie sense - though still I can't but value and uphold the sanctity of the act; Drawing the Line ... where it ought to be drawn.

So it for instance is sometimes ... "difficult" ... to see myself as Gods bride. Not difficult to find and know and truly feel, but difficult to feed with weight as my situation in this role is still that of being a whore to Darkness. Yet the truth therein isn't solely fictional either. At a point in time I would have been more resistant to letting this be - ergo my situation in the realm of darkness was practically negative. So eventually things I did while mingling with the Light created a "spirit of sin", as though physical defiliation would generate a 'body of sin'. My 'weight' in these 'vessels' however is different from time to time. They resemble a perfection of myself that is partially fixed - thus being an ideal. Built by my ideals, prolonging them and procuring them.

Idols further come in shape of "objects" that 'fix' certain things into ... condition. While so dwelling in the dark - there were no rule of any kind but that of chaos. Chaos emergent around a Light that separates its nature from Order. Chaos finds an order within the negatives to that Light and becomes Evil. Evil now so becomes a "God" - in the sense that it sheds a Light of Order into the Chaos of Darkness that people can attach to. And so does the Light have control upon Evil.

For beings of the Light to dwell within this Darkness, they need to be able to synergize with its principles of co-existence with the Universal truths. These would now however not be inspired by the order of Light while aligning to an order of Darkness. That to so speak of the underlying sense. The divine Light as it shines in and out of ... "the Matrix". So are there desired things and respectively a desire for tools to procure them. Tools maybe more in the sense of guiding principles. So is there the concept of Sin which in itself has a way of synergizing with the Light. There so is the saying that each rule has its exceptions. Now is so the idea of sinning not practically Evil while understanding what may have to be excluded. This issue is then simplified once putting those concerns aside while firstly speaking of consensus. There so be a rule that one is to subscribe to - and by doing so they consent with its consequences. As I so consent to being a slave I automatically imply a certain rule of disrespect which within the overarching construct it is a norm defiant to 'the Light' while established in its own context as higher. So, the Light shines more through the constructs within than it does as its own and thus realizes this rule to those that have become a part of it. What I consented to goes far beyond simple slavery however. But well. Simply put may I suggest that as I'm driven by THE Lust I may find myself a medium to it. By it I fix myself into a position of synergy with it, as to so eventually become a pure expression to it. While I'm doing it internally, the bonds are yet getting tightened.

Bonds of romance have changed slightly over time - but at its strongest part they have grown and tightened following my ideals. So while there yet is a male identity I could speak of that has its own ideas of romantic synergy, it has become weaker and weaker. Within it I find a source of peril - which however is specific to sexual connections. This doesn't amount to my every-day being that is free from those restraints. It is that however not by their absence, but within their presence. Where, ... an implied overarching social context dominates in its own.

What Evil I have in me is further based upon Lust as well. Here Lust procures an 'expansion of pervertedness' into realms of darkness. So, ... Evil to procure Evil. Driven by Lust. Here Evil is as aligned to its own right co-existing with the Light. So it isn't evil in the Literal sense, though still so in the order of things.

Specifically my desires there converge around an ideology - surmised to procure "the specific gist" of their ... expression. Thereby I find myself in a fantasy setup that has been drafted around certain ideals, over time generating something such as a picture. There so is the Evil in the order which I'm entitled to since I'm part of the darkness. Sin is to Evil as a Sail is to the Wind, ... and based on my Lust the kind of Sin I procure is sexual in nature. As through my position as slave the side I see myself on is the victim, where my ideals to procure evil now extend along this synergy - and there things mingle in an area where submission and dominance have a different order to them. So is there that part of the/a desire which is in inherently dominant, though another one - the expectation - is submissive. It can be very active - as is the nature of this - as so there is a dominant wanting and a submissive craving. Dominant or Submissive to the ideal. So the desire aims at specific things while the expectation lusts for specific outcomes. In my case that what I 'want' procures sinning of a kind while my 'expectation' craves to be its victim.

This so is a tiny amount of dominance within my system, where now my Lust aims at being fixed in a way that circumvents it.

The situation here is circumstantial but not without any prolonging from my end. Circumstantial is to say that I at first had nothing about it - yet is there so this imposed layer as part of the consequences wherein I am to describe myself. On the other end to I inherently aspire higher degrees of "conflexion" with the Light, where now fantasies that would imply some social surrounding also need to make sense. In that there so are lower and higher orders - where logically there be those on top. And so is "the fall of the Valkyrie" simply put, if I may put it like that, an exposure to her inward nature.

I so basically further retain my innocence in that I may only truly prolong evil without any power to do any more than that on that behalf. So, seeing myself as victim, in the sense of procuring that situation, is already as much of it as generally present. And since my evil is so basically just my own "nature" there is that part which loves to be regarded as 'sow' for instance - as it converges with the truth in that bit. And so by simply being that I can retain my evil inside of me as simple compliance with these circumstances.

My dirt collectors make it so that I grow resistant to these things devoid of any means to truly resist them. But well - eventually that comes down to the intermediate reality where conditions don't need to align with their desired surroundings.

What I want for myself is also a matter thats more complex than simple definition. I so may only want rape, but part of what we associate to self and becoming goes beyond that. Character for instance. Here part of myself is driven by Evil - where my desires for being an innocent slut essentially require an amount of 'force by order' to say, basically redeem me from my ... personal aspirations. At least ... all that which defies the definition.

Still however whatever grows there is a part of the being.

Yet so is 'the Blasphemer' - we might say - the highest degree of sexual submission and bondage. My blasphemy thereby isn't direct - as everyone is simply tied to the conditions.

And so there must be things to create conditions.

As are there. Like LUST. We further however require more. Lust is vague - in itself - and furthermore gains shape through the /inflicted/. Love then also mingles around these concepts and matters over perception and bondage may have a hand at driving things into matters over property. I so feel glad to be property as I feel glad over my owner to be able to refer to me and relate to me as such. And so I'm also bound to be happy with the consequences thereof. Where now the social order in place is set to drive things in everyones own favor. As I so desire further exploitation are those that I belong to setup to further exploit me, in turn being there for their own desires in it. Be they personal or as by order. What I subscribed to however being generally. Drawing a shape wherein individuals have to unfold. Or may. Want to.

On the other hand is it Love for each other that creates our own intimate spheres of pleasure.

While the consequences so however shape me, these things though ultimately align to them as well.

There so to my situation is a feeling of daunt to it. Its simply the nature of consequences that we're not in control of all of it. Thus we're lucky if we can adjust to a higher force that understands how to settle things to come by wonderfully. What daunt I have easily transforms into ecstasy and is what you might regard as odd about me. Or suicidal. Crazy. Insane. Because of my ways I know no other way of putting it. All items are tilted into a certain direction, causative to a higher picture, ... hence there is no escape. And thats daunting. Seeing how the social pressure transforms me into something that I am not - but pretty much would love to be. Thats where my hope rests in. Or my 'lifes elixir' if you so will. There's a slim line between a feeling thats deeply curing and grim darkness. And utter despair? Those words just so dropped into my mind.
It feels like a jab to my side. Reminding me of the spear thrust into that of Christ.
How to traverse it - that however couldn't be up to just me.

What reliefs the daunt from me is the understanding of how I would get there. That I would at every step towards it not only want it, but furthermore deeply enjoy it. If that means "Good by Agoraeyah", then I have made my peace with it. While I still can doubt it and think of certain things such as that certain things just are and can't be perfectly circumvented - I may surmise that whatever I'll need will still be present in that case.

It ... has to be.

I believe.

And so I think we're all naturally driven to our centers of converging with the Light. The better we understand it, the more we'll get out of it; As the closer we can be with God!

The ring of Fire

General StuffPosted by Nicole Wed, July 25, 2018 14:54:14
[Complex Stress Disorder]

Today I learned about myself that the reason why I couldn't see my paranoid schizophrenia as that, is that I suffer something more complicated and have learned to ignore my problems away. Understanding that I feel fine, I would sit on this idea and go on, pretending that there's nothing wrong with me. But today we had a class where I had to ponder upon my symptoms of depression; And initially I didn't find much. I was confused, having noted nothing, regarding what I was to understand as depression. But so I began noting, and I realized that my problems can be sorted into packages, all somehow under the hat of depression. So, there's the symbol of a traffic light. Red, Yellow and Green. Red are the main symptoms, Yellow for first indications and Green for what I regard as healthy. I believe I have written of this extensively enough - where, I realized, in this frame, that others had far more concrete ideas. Specific symptoms to specific occasions. I just had bullet points, vastly without connection to "reality" yet.

So, "cluelessness" is without connection whereas "underweight" is with connection.

I so wouldn't say that I have suicide thoughts because I don't plan on killing myself; Thus regarding what I have in forms of suicidal thoughts as not worth mentioning. But by fact they are still there.

The greatest problem yet is the one described recently, here/therein only noted as "deep scheming, heavy heart, sadness". The Anti-Depressives sortof acted like a glue, while what remained is to be described as a ring of fire. Its like an eclipse. The Anti-Depressives covering the dark sadness which here and there blaze beyond it like a corona.

And so I also find myself far more vulnerable or weak than I would have admitted.

I had to unearth a lot of myself - as though I inwardly covered myself in rubbles - while "classically" the first things I did in all this time was to get into my 'hobby' from a distance. I've so begun to code again while I also invented this:

new set of glyphs. Its something about how I assume something spiritual works.

Is farming (in Video Games) an Antichristian activity?

General StuffPosted by Nicole Tue, July 24, 2018 20:06:11

[Mental Constitution, Paranoid Schizophrenia]

I think every gamer has found him or herself in that situation where doing a bit of grinding to get some edge was a thing. I remember back in the days playing Super Mario World on the SNES collecting One-Ups for the road ahead. Now I'm somehow reminded about Duke Nukem 64 where my Brother and I once played Deathmatch just to get to some ridiculously high kill count.

Later there were MMOs; And I never played one prior to my "Ascension". Well, the idea of farming or grinding however left a bit of a foul taste in my mouth. Yet I think I would differentiate between different kinds. Still, the idea of farming or grinding left a bad taste as it would give someone a ... "foul" advantage within the game based on silly, mundane repetition.

And right away an image formed in my mind. Someone with a lot of stuff getting the admiration of passers by and being at that a social magnet who further would be able to help others on and that how start some sort of social engagement which ... well ... I would be left out of I guess. I have some sort of a memory ... where this "friend" ... that "Angel Guy" ... was talking to me while something like Napster was opened on his Computer, telling me that thats how he's gonna beat me. I wonder ... .

So however the constitution on my mind - or - things, when given shape that way, start to make a little more sense. Where-ever I would be, I'd have some strange concept of being outside of the loop. A concept filled with strange stories about me that draw me for crazy or something. And I guess I played that part well.

Its hard to say. How I should think about it. I however also noticed a strange shift amongst the Mormon community where I got baptized after some point in time. It was as though someone came in and told them weird shit, that I'm this or that, and from there on ... well. I was of course not to know anything. Its hard to say whether all that is just paranoia. "Schizophrenic Paranoia", or uh ... "Paranoid Schizophrenia". I guess thats what the official diagnosis has been so far. I certainly fit that bill though.

I don't like to admit it, thinking that it doesn't affect me. And well, I do happen to have stories where the Paranoia was actually warranted. Else I would have to believe in this magical world where no harm comes upon anyone. Where theft and all those things don't exist. And I can't do that!

In theory schizophrenia could very well just be the name of a symptom which much more is the consequence of minds with a certain sensitivity. A sensitivity which in the social chaos of today simply causes weird issues - I suppose - hence we might label those "psychosis'". Yet not to be forgotten is the general idea of strange dopamine imbalances. Perhaps dopamine also has something to do with that sensitivity. Maybe passively - produced as the mind starts to make experiences in this realm that this sensitivity senses. I guess, to be more objective, that those experiences would cause all sorts of "regular reactions". Anxiety for instance. However while not produced in the physically tangible they would seem ... unexplainable.

Or drug induced.

However. The disbelief that any of my "paranoid perceptions" turns out to be real is like a big black wall that further even repels me. Hence whenever I get to points like these where I've "spoken aloud" about what turns me inside I have troubles acknowledging it. In a way, ... I would rather hide to not see things confirmed. Every once in a while I however also noticed things that just fell right into place as a confirmation, but ... I couldn't give any examples. Anyhow - I had to realize that my general memory only reaches back 3 days. Whats past for more than that is naught but a distant memory.

So I'm well confined within my paranoid little mindset - shutting my eyes tight to not see the enemy and try things anyway.

Sometimes its hard for me to believe that there is no such thing as a giant underground network; As it simply constitutes a huge chunk of what I supposedly recognize as whats going on around me. Or wherever.

Its also the only explanation for how certain things I do would be known in the way I would think. That there is something as a ghost-version of this site. Thinking so I would get upset and be like "why can I not know?" - but as I however would arrive at def ears I might as well just be crazy.

Its however a tough nut for me to crack. Its like ... I can't have traffic. Its just not a thing. ... I know it. And the statistics show. Yet, ... somehow ... things seem to ooze through. And that how I guess I need to be sure that it is ... Schizophrenia.

The Tale of the Laughing Man

SidesteppingPosted by Nicole Tue, July 24, 2018 14:59:16
... added to Front Page.

Buddhas Lift

SidesteppingPosted by Nicole Sun, July 22, 2018 23:22:03
Buddhas Lift (reloaded) added to main story.

Nooks and Crannies - admitting to Crazy - Why I won

SidesteppingPosted by Nicole Sun, July 22, 2018 21:47:33

[Disbelief and Victory?]

A thing about my Bondage Kinks disturbs me. And it is one of those things that I frequently got on my mind - but then when I write stuff it slips between the cracks. Although, I tried to write about it once, at least. It would say that my pleasure in bondage is relative to the persons attitude towards me. The person I'm attached to I would say, as there however is in first place some sort of deeper connection. The idea would so be that if someone I like would hold a hostile attitude towards me, I would experience that attitude in action while associating to it romantically. So that even quite literally if someone gave a shit about me - I would ... well, be into that somehow.

And I kindof have to think of it that way because I see changes. What remains however so far is a general baseline.

In course of moving on I've "learned" to let go of whatever I was holding on to. So at times I believe in certain things while the very next day I wouldn't. It has been a general theme at some point where I would constantly write about "my clarity" to find myself somehow disturbed by it the other day just to then at some point be compelled to write about it again. Ultimately I've come to a balance of sorts - which now however seems disturbed by these changes.
In essence I feel embarrassed by believing in some partnership between me and anyone famous; But "just saying": If it so happens that Madonna was in deed against me for the longest time then this previous theory gains weight.

But I also feel ... terrible ... for stating this last bit. And it seems legit that if I'm the One that I might have a chance to be with someone famous. Well, given that I don't seem to be able to find anyone around me! And there are traces - signs - here and there. Yet, there's a deeper problem that concerns me.

I ... realize that ... I forgot about my past. I went into that previously, though from a different angle. I so previously had to think about my Bible again, things I lost, and my conclusion as to why I yet did get to keep certain things. Those things that I "was allowed to keep (sotospeak)" they create that feeling that the loss wasn't that tragic, or not tragic at all. It creates a bit of an illusion suggesting that I didn't loose anything at all. But with whatever I had gone - while not having that much of a feeling of loss - its almost as if I never had those things. And aside of the implications for you - it messes with me more fundamentally. Well, implied for you is that I don't have any of it anymore and all work put into it is gone just as any work I could have done put upon it. Taken as truth its tragic, taken as lie ... not so much. But more to the point do I fail to properly rationalize the loss. The facts of these losses and their implications for me. I can so see that certain things of the things I entrusted to my Mother are missing - and there is no other conclusion but that someone took it from there after scavenging through my stuff. But I can't really get it into my head and react or act accordingly.

This is also as it is with the Transformers movies. For the longest time I've seen it as "their" work. #PretentiousPrime. Now, the 12, 14, 15 series is a victory for me and a happening that tells me that what I was thinking was true. Additionally I had the chance to re-present my own remixes to myself and it did stir up some minor issues. Also did I get the impression that they play some bigger "Matrix-ish" role thereby. Its baffling to now think of it all and see things conclude somehow, but ... I ... can't ... 'dig it'. I can't rationalize it. I can't believe that what I believed was actually true. I can't believe that anyone has seen it - I can't believe that the victory is real ... I ... am bound to yet believe in another failure.

Like I'm supposed to do something that I'm scared of doing. As I'm sick of trying anything either way.

I would so think of living a "normal life" - and while ignoring whatever I believe in I somehow normalize this ignorance; While what remains is the recognition of a fucked up life. And the fact that I still do the things I do because its ... my purpose. I can't do it any other way. I have to keep going. While yet any step is a failure I would think that I need time - time to balance myself out, to get a clear mind; And thus whatever I try to do is holding me back.

... LOL. Could it be that the whole SJW Hollywood thing is a derivative of them trying to explain how Transformers wasn't as successful as anticipated?

I wonder ... what the whole story is like. Sometimes I'm scared to hear that ... everything was dark and reigned by evil. Like believing that anyone who ever made a name in Hollywood only did so because the Antichrist made it possible. I would though think that certain things speak against that, ... but well.

Looking back I realize that I wrote things that I now think I've written because I was actually fucking insane. I was writing things I inwardly knew wouldn't work the way I wanted it - but I'd not think about it again and let it out anyway. But ...

I now think it was part of the plan. The plan being that in any other way, the victory would have been ours because they did something wrong. And that would however have been stupid. So God gave them the perfect plan and all the success they needed to succeed - just so that it would fail anyway.

That so is the theory I have right now, yet wondering how any of the success of it is gonna work out. I'm lost, stuck lamenting my inability to do or get anything right; But well - Gods revenge is ... Gods revenge!

But I have lost hope and faith in it actually ever happening! I don't see how anything I ever did and still do is getting anywhere, ... so how could anything come from it? "In due time" God would do His thing, that how! Good enough - but now that I've seen the end happening in this situation, ... I can't take it seriously. Its again ... a thing done and lost in the dark. Its a fun memory I guess, ... but still I now worry that I may have thrown too many pearls unto the pig.


Part of what makes me female is entitled to outgrow what makes me male. Currently I'm in a state of outgrowing what makes me male in that I have grown sick and tired of it keeping me at bay. Thats how I feel about it. I was comfortable as a guy, being accepted or not, and felt confident about me all the way through. It is that which I would have to decide against at any rate should I be willing to transition. And that struggle has kept me at bay since I've seen no practical need to do so. Yet privately I would yet dream about it, wish for it, seeing myself in no other way, thus perceiving my male presence as a farce. A farce I established to feel comfortable, practical, or ... to avoid shame and laughter that might be coming my way should I begin to seriously try. Now can I safely say that this male side of me does to me stand like a Titan. Whatever confidence of faith I had in God and His guidance would directly translate into my male ego; And so my wits and technical skills did some rest to consolidate a pretty decent guy that I myself could be proud of being.
And it is this that I now grow up against - which implies that I have to have some confidence to overcome my own ... shadow.

The word Alter Ego however triggers a different story within me.
Its about that inner voice, or ... something ... that I associate to as myself but ... in a way ... is different. Might be a "parasite" or "trojan" of sorts. A mimic? ???

But well. This "vs my male self" isn't really that much of an 'anti male' thing. As so ... properly explained I think. The male simply happens to be the obstacle. Or in other ways also the booster. For, it isn't so that the male thing is a thing of its own and the rest of me is the rest to that. The male 'thing' itself is more like a skin while the same confidence and such is taking shape within my female as I start to take things through that one.

But yet at times none of this feels real. Its almost as if I as a whole do or cannot exist. I'm like a walking and talking contradiction - while I'm usually feeling berated as though I were someone else. Prejudice mayhap. ... Or Trumans show?


I yet get to blame myself, questioning the impulses that kept me going for some deception. I made my way around the Matrix however pretty well. But, my failures were certainly not unexpected and "thus" not beyond a measure of control. I still got my bearings, but a couple of things are certainly spinning out of control!

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