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The Orc and his Wolf

SidesteppingPosted by Nicole Sun, October 07, 2018 21:59:27
I've lost a lot of faith. The whole fortune telling thing ... well. Its become a habit - as anything I do. It now just is a thing I do ... work on from time to time but I don't really ... "know why".

But well. There's a thing. Regarding this thing I ... how to say it? I laid cards using my Witch Poker deck and from initial to final situation, well, in-between there was this card. The Orc and his Wolf. Uh, no ... that was another thing. Anyhow. In one of the many there was this card and I was curious what it would be about.

There was a lot of stuff in there - but ... time ... just zooms by and I ... feel like I've lost my mind.

The thing with the Abyss I was writing about ... I can't do that. I ... the liberation ... its now ... stuck in there. Since Marie became a part of it - its all this one thing and I ... feel horrible. Maybe I took it too seriously that she'd be leaving me consciously - ... hmph. Anyhow ... it seemed to change ... but things didn't change. But apparently its all just a matter of time.

Well. I've been seeing a movie and I think it traumatized me. I don't really feel like writing a lot ... and maybe I should write in German. Hmmm.

I'm troubled about my Clarity and I feel like my interpretations of whats on the cards is a bit too one-sided yet. I need time. But time usually means that I'm sliding further down the slope - with things stuck in my mind that don't make sense. Maybe I'm just a medium and how I feel about things is like an amalgamation of how the world feels about these things. In the dark corners. And maybe I heal when they do.

I feel like smashing my head against the wall - I don't know what to do ... but, well. I mean, I have time now and I understand I should try to focus on my life, to go out more, to ... whatever. This just sounds awfully depressive but all in all my mood isn't all that negative. Its just the stress of the moment I assume.

Its weird. One part of me is over it, ... the other ... is growing sicker and sicker. Uhm, ... iller and iller. That sounds better I guess. More and more ill.

There are still dreams. Dreams I had ... and dreams I'm having. The dreams I'm having are getting weirder. I barely remember them but I barely have the time to think about them too. Time flies. ... Got to get used to it I guess.

I think what happened is that the bond that has kept my life together so far ... has ripped. Irony. Like Smith in the end of Revolutions. "This is it, this is the end!" ... but then ... it wasn't. And now just as a rubber band rips apart, "snap", ... I ... I can't evem describe it properly.

Do I love her? What is Love? I think I have suppressed all what I had believed in so that all what remains now is a damp echo of it all. But next to that there's what would be a vivid connection - and there at times I can't help but feel blind; Being like this while things are probably going just fine. There are those things that are supposed to be right - and if they are not its like ... all the time ... was pretty much just an illusion.

So at the center I still believe. Its all ... "the way it is" ... I suppose - but then considering how things are and how they went I see how things ... are supposedly going to happen and thats ... not ... "the way it is". Its the way it should have been - would nothing ... have happened to change that. I mean - I didn't expect anything; And so I am to just move on anyway. But ... my mind says ... "nay, thats not the way it is ..." - happening? Supposed to happen? Not whats going on? Anyhow ... "snap" ... and the way ahead and everything is just pointless.

The 'Dispair' Card ... it, ... for once is simply there as a Religious thing. Despair is good. But also ... some experience of this past time has flown into it. At the end of hope - with God - there will be a way. Thats the one thing. The other is that in hopelessness, at the bottom of ourselves, we see our real truth. Our substance. So, there is 'good' in it - that way.

Which however means that I can ... start a ... 'normal life' now. ... One ... without hope ... that is! Ha! L-O-L!


Witch Tarot: Carnality, the Thief and Tentacles

Fundamental/EmpiricalPosted by Nicole Sun, September 23, 2018 13:21:30

[Witch Tarot Philosophy (Philosophic Insights | Meta)]

Well, this isn't per se about the Witch Tarot, but so about insights that have occurred to me while working on it. Well, the main title should be 'the Thief'. Or 'the Rogue'. Its a Card in the deck - and there is another Card which sortof fulfills the same ... criteria. I mean, I could also call this other card 'the Thief' - more so as of the "traits" that make up the text for it. The actual thief card thereby has a different meaning. Of course.

The thief by principle is a Dark Elemental Card of the Griffin Symbol. The other "Thief" card is also a Dark Elemental, however of the Elephant Symbol. The Elephant symbol however focuses more on the theme of Endurance while the Griffin symbol focuses on ... tailwind. And it has occurred that I've found images that work perfectly with the idea without really looking for them. Hence the image for 'Thief' is going to be a raven with a key in its beak. Except whence the Text works better with another one.

Now, why am I telling you this?

I've come to wonder about how the Witch Tarot "pictures" compare to the Waite Tarot. Certain images would not be found or the nearest would be profoundly more ambiguous - regarding the specific meaning of the card in concern.

Well, there is a blind-spot I have because the Design process is dependent on the Oracle. So the 'Carnality' card. Wondering how to translate the German word into English I had to wonder. Respectively has the term been changed into Lewdness. And that more likely because there isn't a real word for lewdness in German. Lewdness however does make a lot more sense in the Elephant Line than Carnality. And on further consideration, Carnality doesn't make a lot of sense for a Card at all. Which, is a Witch Logic thing I guess? This Witch Logic is well filtered through the Force. The look upon the world isn't as that of a Mortal. While issues like Temptation and Carnality might present themselves as large troubles, in my regards they are far lesser than one might think. So can Carnality in and of itself be regarded as a matter of various things - mostly under the banner of "Misguidance". The closest thus far could be the "Fake Love" or ("a.k.a.") ""Mind Flayer"" card. Which in and of itself is less about 'fake Love' but more of the conditions of being misguided; Maybe due to some parasitic entity, a deceiver or whatever. "The Mind Flayer". But it could also be the own lies one could tell itself. Its at all a reasonably complex topic that can yet easily be regarded within this "Symbol".

Further does it happen to conclude that Carnality isn't at all an emotion I have a proper connection to. Although ... well. It depends. Words are the real problem here. As this card accidentally happens to reveal. Starting off simply, there is the "Over-term" of Lust. There first is Lust as the "Biblically Negative/Bad" thing, and then 'LUST' as a Form of the Force through which God interacts with us. Thats my bottom Line for that.
Now I've learned that the biblical term is rather that of 'Carnality'. And when I now move on and am ... "Lustful" about certain things - so, desiring certain sexual expressions - it could be considered Carnality, or for instance Lewdness. Whence the words mix into the same - as Lust - a differentiation is problematic. So to be specific, I understand the feeling of Lewdness as one of enduring ones own Shame within a state of pleasure. Carnality on the other hand side is more a thing of Sex for the purpose of Sex - whereby that in and of itself is a somewhat perversion of Sex as a thing whereby the ... . Sex for the purpose of Sex will eventually breed some sort of "Artistic Desire", purifying the purpose and thus growing into excess (debauchery) and such. This stands opposed to the Lust within Enlightenment which isn't that purpose driven since the actual drive is emerging from passions "locked" within the individual. In that regards there are those passions and in attachment to that there's even Love. So because the Force also ties its "logic" to other people.

So there is the Tentacle Card. One similar to the "Sex Monster" - in the way the image so happened to be ideal. Both, from a certain perspective, ... roll with the Fantasy of it ..., are "traps". So, like the Sand-Pit-Monster from Star Wars. Its a Tentacle ... mass ... that eventually digests whatever it could grab. The "Tentacle Pit" is best suited for the Sex Monster because its trait is that it is existent for a very specific purpose. Therefore, in the idea, useless for most other things - and any Sex Monster but a Tentacle Pit can somehow defy this.
So, the Witch Tarot is ultimately dependent on the definitions/descriptions - which makes sense because a few words ... or well. A picture says more than a thousand words - some people say. And that of course is the problem here.
The Tentacle card is similarly a pit or a trap while here the focus is more on its ... thing ... as a ... "morally ambiguous divine power". Which I here meant to bring up in regards to this 'divine Lust' - or so: Clarity. One might surmise that the snake could be used here, but, the Snake already happens to be the Water Animal.

So is this at all just a short piece of the ambiguity of Terms, Images and Logic that is being attached to it.

Witch Therapy

General StuffPosted by Nicole Wed, September 19, 2018 16:52:31
Now, well. How the story went on is somewhat transparent I think - so within the Matrix. To however go in further depth, well. I ain't really feeling like it. Well, except for this one thing. My Love to her was like a sponge. If you know of my past writings you may know of my returning "perplexity" regarding my male side in regards to my relationships. So I would wonder whether my path would be bad. Where I felt as though my way would not be wanted. While I so felt attached to Monica in this one way I'd also feel as though this way wouldn't be desired by her. I however was conflicted. At certain points this conflict was delivered a bit closer to my mind. I would see "her" in a way that would make my "male heart" jump up and say "Hey! I want to be there for her". I would also think of having a male to female relationship with them, while within my clarity its basically just female to whatever. Me being female.
My Love to Marie changed that. It sucked all those issues out - as they all were concerned of her. And further - the Gender issue was gone. Or is gone. That is one part that I feel although ... well. I sometimes had the impression that she had some sexual interest in me which I'd want to respond to but somehow couldn't. Its strange however since those are now merely memories of the past. Nowadays ... well, to me it seems as though she had changed and now I don't really know anymore ... who she is.

My attraction towards her however isn't male to female. Its more like female to male. But in essence not even sexual although still ... somehow ... sensual.

But anyhow. I at the end sought out to talk with her since I needed some clarity and she wouldn't even give me that I might have a need to talk to her. Total blockade. That so after it seemed as though her heart had softened up. Maybe not enough. But ... I fear asking again - and don't really see a need for it either. She's grown stranger to me - although my head is still obsessed with her. I've seen a few movies recently, most recently the Truman Show (for the first time) - and in those moment where Love is the issue I can't but think of her. And whenever I do, I somehow have to punch myself. Hurting myself. Really. And I guess if the problem is that someone doesn't know what to do - it is a thing one 'can' do.

But what the reply to my letter did was that I've had it there. I wrote about Love being Hope, but that didn't really help me cope with it. In that regard I've somehow been over it, but actually ... not quite. And I still am not. I can't but believe in it - despite being forced to give up my hope in it. One of the first reactions after I've read it was ... that the Abyss is now open for me. I could feel myself standing there - with nothing holding me back and over the time I learned to embrace it to fuel my perverted self towards ... exceeding joy. A kind of liberation from all the concerns that held me back. And this in essence describes the situation wherein that feeling grow which I herein regard as witch Therapy. The getting closer to the reigns of darkness - while thinking that maybe it all has greater reason behind it. That maybe my choice to be as I am required me to give up on true Love, which now might explain this feeling that I've had. Perhaps so the potential of true Love being unresolved - trying to somehow find its place within the structures while stressing me to give up on my path in order to get it. But ... this now bears the other conflict: How could I?

I somehow feel as though it is a choice. That it is in part due to my doing that actually caused her to distance herself from me. In that regard I could see it happen as well. So that whatever the Antichristians had tried wasn't doing anything but moving with the flow that has happened anyhow.

In the beginning, when this love grew, things were innocent. But eventually I thought of it sexually - and noticed how my attitude seemed as though it would flow opposed to hers. Originally my mind was filled with ideas that worked with the impressions I had of her. But then I started doing things, like using Tarot cards, and once more had the impression that it wouldn't fit into our relationship.

So now I however wonder whether there is something that I can do to undo this; While also wondering whether I'd actually want it. Its a weird thing. This liberating feeling got awesome; Well - as predictably stressed out through my inner being. But I can't shake the feeling that there's something wrong with it.

So I however have to wonder about what I could 'actually' change. I damn sure couldn't let go of Monica. And whatever comes from that is inevitably so. By that I regard my clarity and at no point would I want it to change. Well, into ... the other side.

However - Marie is more to me than just a sponge. There to suck out my troubles and to then just toss it away - although I can rationalize that her position might be ... well, as I would expect. As I at one point suggested of how those on the Light side relate to the likes of me. With a certain hate, or maybe fear, despise, ... rebuking us ... which to us is the feeling that prevents us from seeing reason in trying. While we have that hate and such for the likes of ourselves.

If now this thing is settled and there is no choice but to either let it all go or to continue - then I'm glad. I'm happy. Seriously! This feeling of liberation is awesome! And it even gives me doubts. Serious concerns of whether I'd want to be with her since it might bring me love in a way that would obscure this feeling of liberation.
But ... there is still this other feeling, that the absence of it would eventually put my heart into "shock" - and I'd be no longer able to enjoy anything. Shock? Stasis? The issues of monotony which however diverse Sex might be could emerge in some way. That so when there is no redemption from the negativities. In this line of reasoning it seems like reasonable to still believe in this Love. While ... the failure would be a matter of something ... deeper within the maze of our minds.

Suggestively my attitude. Like, it makes sense that the skulls I've had in that dream regarding my Software project were ... well. "Burried Corpses" ... buried as I was dwelling in my absolutistic striving for the truths of clarity. In the flipside I might have to "unburry" them to then be able to get to my software project and to be with her.

It is a thought that however still delivers agony to my heart. Though being with her - that idea somehow stabilizes it.

So in theory are there a few minor knobs I need to switch - maybe by starting to pray differently or whatever - and when done properly I'll shift into the right attitude which then would cause her to warm up towards me.

At some point I was advised to trust her and to await her move. I couldn't since she seemed slipping away. But the more I tried the further she moved away anyhow. So now seems to be the point where this is ... the only thing left. Though in a way I feel like I can't do it all on my own. As so here writing this I wish she would ... help me towards it.

But yea - how to really 'do' something this complex? Its impossible unless its really simple at its root. The attitude to watch out maybe. THen there is counter motion. Like an addiction that would yet take me the other way. And yea, what would real love be without differences of the one or the other kind? I don't know - maybe its just my cynical humor at work.

And well. Now I have to think that I'm a relatively hot bitch. I mean, thinking of how my substitute doctor reacted as I told her that I know that I'm ugly that could be the case. And I mean, I didn't notice just how ugly I was until I saw myself on that webcam. Its really an unfortunate angle. And bad lighting.

On another note, well. THis might be the pivotal example of how complicated Love/Relationships can be. How would I react whence she would bring up topics that would tease the whore in me? And how would she react to my reaction?

Or otherwise - my attitude is that she's the Boss, but how would she experience this expression, regarding that there isn't really such a thing as a Boss when thinking of proper balance?!

Well, I can't be what I am not. So, is she ... "to have but not to hold"? Or is there a way I can be that works out?

Well, it can't be all up to me. Maybe thats the lesbian Dilemma. Who is the man that needs the strong woman?

And in my situation I also don't know how to respond to her teasing my male particles. What I feel like ... what I really want ... is to deny it. And yet, why would she tease it?

So - I'm torn between two worlds right now. In the one I deepen my experience within this sense of liberation, in the other I yet prolong a conclusion to this Love. A positive one. For else it has concluded already!

My only hint: What are those 2 or 3 skulls?

I have to resist my whore-ish urges. I have to decline an atmosphere of satanic religion. And?

OK, maybe I have another hint. According to the small witch tarot - err, lets just say Witches Oracle, its been the Devil - "my Darling" - who led her away from me. Since the Witch Oracle is no absolute book of Truths but here and there plays with someone (as its Lord is the Devil) this plays into the esoteric truths. The Devil wants me for him. In this liberated sense.

One way I see this play out, this way of having this love, is that at one point things shift and I'll betray her; In regards to which she'll find a respectively liberating counter attitude towards me. The same I have for her denying me, just without the agony surrounding it. Well - though a sense of the attachment should always be there.

Well, something that sticks is that the more of an atmosphere I create that she can't be in, the more problems we'll have. In the flipside however should she also be able to create an atmosphere that I couldn't handle. And isn't that the root of a good relationship? I mean, meeting there between ones selfishness? Or in our case to also have some space of privacy? Or, to somehow ... move over to the other side a little. Just enough to keep the whole thing together.

Well, the only way I can solve this is in prayer ... or "meditation". I think the birth of insight is the pivotal issue - and yea, well, Oracles did help somehow; Although - this type of Oracle ... doesn't need to be that. Simply asking "Segulo" is enough. Well, Segulo is a name for that object which functions to give a testimony. Its a block/Box which either movies through a certain membrane or doesn't. "Testimony". And a good trick is to watch out for the "click". But this doesn't really matter until baptized or maybe even unified. Someone should keep an eye on that. Apparently it does ... not? ... work in baptism. I mean, it makes sense to suggest that it is dependent on 'the Force' establishing the Ninefold. Which is the 'expanded reality' ("expanded eightfold") - expanded by God through the Force and His intimate full-time relationship to every yet so tiny thing of us.

If there's a way. Else, I'll continue to drift within this mood of liberation. Yet in it I see no future for much of my workings - while all I desire is to succumb within and into darkness; Where my greatest pleasure is to make my Mother (Monica) proud of me by being a "slutty whore"/piece of garbage.

About Oracles ... a big issue is the trouble that knowledge of something bears. Any Oracle has the chance of altering our consciousness - and sometimes situation may happen to be so complex that even the tiniest amount of a certain bit of knowledge could alter the course. To properly think this into the right pattern for a safe Oracle is something I've been occupied with as of late. At the end a simple symbol based yes/difficult/no indicator should do the trick - or a card indicating how the knowledge affects the oracle and a card to indicate a counter measure. I have a full text for a variety of solutions but its not really done yet.

The most difficult question is however that of choices. In my situation I am however striving for a solution and yet I find that simple is different! Ultimately a rule of the thumb would be that if your ideas change as you move - there's just too much and an oracle wouldn't really help. There are concrns of fate and providence. Providence being fate plus all the things plus Gods plan woven into it. So, fate regards choices as they are abound to happen and providence considers the ability to change fate and applies onto that. Suggesting that God has this much of a foresight.

So it should be simple to play with the idea of figuring out ones providence - as the safest and easiest play to work towards Gods plans. But so far I've come to the point where I 'was' thinking of my problem as one of choice while ultimately I figure that my urging towards a choice is the result of me wanting to change my way in order to get something I'd otherwise miss.
So the problem of choice is ultimately a problem of digging down deep enough to resolve the conflicts that then settle the things that may otherwise equate to choice but are rather so a matter of evolution.

"Target and Conflict driven transformation *of alignment(s)"

And Segulo now tells me that it doesn't matter ... err, no ... thats something else. That the devil however will also help me in this towards the right outcome. So, well, it ... has become a little bit ... of a thing. I mean, originally the step into the dark side has been complicated for me since I had troubles letting go the one and embracing the other thing. But growing closer to the truths within darkness has taken the devil closer - and this "abyss of liberation" has helped a bit too - although using the Witch Oracle was doing so before that.

This now tells me that the changes expected of me don't have to imply a complete transformation of my religious self; Which makes sense given that such should be more so on the impossible side. But ... err. ... She at the very least has to accept certain aspects of my dark-sided nature.

And the Witch Oracle now revealed: I, and so she as well, have to be minded of not dragging the other into the own side - outside of things that concern our relationship. So, if my sexuality is a bit odd she'll have to deal with that, while if these oddities move beyond the thing of our relationship I have to shut it down. In essence this means that she can get the all of me without any of the side-effects. Except that certain things within could be considered such.


And Segulo agrees with this Witch Oracle. Shouldn't be otherwise. And yea, I asked (and ask) Segulo about getting into Tarot, the Witch Oracle and such beforehand.

And this somehow concludes the Gig for now/today. (And both, Segulo and the WO agree that the 'somehow' here means nothing)

Why would I continue?

General StuffPosted by Nicole Sat, September 08, 2018 20:14:44
There's still something left. To just be concerned of my own self (health) now, there's a strong impression that something is wrong with me. When I look back and have to think that I went wrong again, I seriously have to question my sanity anew. Not that it matters all that much given that I have a solution; So, its probably just ... echoes from the movies I've been watching.

What? Well, 'Wasting Away' presents another one of those "Real World/Fantasy World" type of situations.

There are still emotions I'm riddled by, but I think the solution is rather close. I've observing this in a couple of situations and conditions; And these are independent from what I would consider Love. This 'warm burning' feeling - it would appear within circumstances (relationships of thought) that I didn't associate to it in any way. Its I guess a simple heartache over the own loneliness. But more importantly an emotion that 'cracks into' ... well, the heart attacking a certain weakness.

The impression that it is somehow telepathically generated is there since it wouldn't seem like there's another explanation. Its still hard to really put a finger onto it though. In essence it comes up crawling, suggesting that I've deserved some of it. I've just had it before and that really chewed on my strength. I was sitting there, watching stuff, ... and I'm not sure why its there, just that its associated to a person I think of. Well, respectively the one largest on my mind at the time.

Giving into it is like giving into a dream. Well, "I suggest" - since it's really been a long time ago since I really delved in it.
Nowadays its simply a good reminder to turn away and think again.

And it seems like there is no real difference between this and asking for Oracles. Except maybe that Oracles hold a more tangible possibility to live up to a greater expectation. As so, to unfold ones true potential. In the sense that just stumbling around ... isn't any better than stumbling around with a bit of a clue or hint of guidance.

But yet again I get reminded that I'm still anxious, or ... superstitious, regarding worries. After all, things were fine up until ... I started asking. Looking at cards, wondering what they might mean ... is it really an improvement? How could I do any better that way?

Whats up ahead? How would I know? I mean - not in terms of "whats gonna happen", but "what am I to do next?". How could the cards tell me? ... Humm. OK, I remember, ... that they did. Once. Nothing outside of the ordinary though. ...

Do your chores, be a good person, save the world ... the usual stuff.

So ... in essence I've grown beyond it in a way where I wonder how I can challenge the Oracle. To prove its worth to me, basically. Or, to find the reason myself. To find where, when and how ... its ... actually a practical upgrade.

Silly me. So, I've had it. Once. I may not have succeeded, but ... still it was a success in a way. I, to put it to myself clearly, wouldn't have believed that this state of comfort exists, given the situation I thought I was in. To get over it, despite being actually (and still) utterly incapable of the same. So, I should hold on to that.

So the whole aspect of the future - that is maybe a neat little trick. Otherwise, strength is strength; Whether the cards tell me I have it or not. But, objectively, ... its true that we have "objective minds". Words to the trick. Knowing strength may help me incorporate it into my mindset. Its like stumbling upon something good by accident - just a little bit better.

So, yea. So far I've figured that any 'future' aspect is rather ... useless. There isn't much in it. But ... there's still some surge that keeps me looking for something that I'm missing.

And sure - there's that. Choices. I think. So far I didn't get to a point where I'd have to make a choice. Like, this or that. So far - I'm myself and go/do as I would. Maybe it would have been good had I known beforehand what I'd be getting into. So, well. Let me take a trip back in time to see where the point was ... .

So, I was entering psychiatry and something told me that I'd find my Girlfriend there. Thats one of the things that then came back and helped nourish that hope that was building up slowly. From what I've learned and believe I shouldn't be minded of it. It should be as well would I discard this "prophecy" or not. But its fair to suggest that I simply didn't believe. Its my ... hypocrisy I think. I believe ... in a lot of ways. But when it comes to myself, I'm stuck believing that I'll never make it out of "this darkness". Which is a direct contradiction to what I'm supposed to believe about myself. But I just can't see the way. Thinking of Love its clearer that my first goal should be to 'grow' "my "community"". So that there's not only me. But yea, thats what I've been trying all the time - never to any ends of success.

So, I should have layed my cards back then. Concerning that issue. I mean - Segulo is alright, but ... maybe cards are better. So, what does Segulo say? Will I meet my girlfriend there? No! So. There's a problem though. I met 'her' at a different place, somehow. Different part of the place. Does it make the difference? "Apparently". So, me again - weak. I should say yes. And probably the next answer will be that I'll meet her around "here" (there). So, is that the case? Yes!

So, its at this point no different than having it from the cards. Except that the cards now might take me closer to the subject matter. Except that I met her ... and things went fine "up until". But why isn't God telling me to stop? As mentioned - I was heading a direction that was supposedly or practically bad before I did Oracles, ... and then it were Oracles that brought me to this point of peace. Respectively is it still more or less just a matter of time it seems.

But my problem is this: I'm afraid that God turns out ... wrong. Or, trolling me. I don't dare say 'yes' to anything good since I worry that its going to turn out differently - and to a certain extent thats like a mask. That of me doing these things. I have to keep the faith but am in certain regards unwilling to truly believe in it.

But so. Taking it this way ... I've been drawn to draw a few cards - or to shuffle. And what did pop out was the 9 of swords. Which, in this context has a more transparent meaning. It can't say 'no' at this point. So, its more of a sign by which I would know her. I mixed on wondering about ... what else I might need to know and four cards fell out. There's a fight, there's a "crossing" of sorts, there's the page of coins and the hermit. All things that by now are basically already history. So, I could tell that these are the challenges or events along the way.

But now I worry that I was wrong for not being well prepared enough, thus worrying that the 5 of coins is as a death sentence.

"Spiderbrain, Spiderbrain ..."

Or, its just another part of the road. But ... what do I do with it now?

I guess that's where we're back to ... the beginning. There's only one way I would have picked up Tarot Cards; And thats on base of Gods interactions with me. So, that happened when it happened. No sooner or later. The idea was always there, but ... as usual I have a tendency of standing on the wire. Err ... hose.

And when it gets to anything but just surfing through the day, also relatively clumsy.

So, I don't feel like I can get to any other point right now and here but to keep trying - to maybe find what I'm looking for.

Tarot of Love

Fundamental/EmpiricalPosted by Nicole Fri, September 07, 2018 19:11:52
Short Summary:

Hope is Love. That is true. More so than Love being Hope. "Hope is the quintessential Human delusion" - sais the Architect. "simultaneously the source of [our] greatest strength and [our] greatest weakness". I have discovered truth in this. Hope in a relationship builds Love. It is basically the prime aspect of 'growing Love'. While I look for an understanding concerning Love, I do look at its substance. How it came, how it affects me, how it interacts with my beliefs - finding the lines that distinguish between different kinds of Love and trying to give good advise as best as I can. This is primarily founded on negative experiences with it. Beyond those however, there is always "that Love" which is "not" the one I'd warn you of. "Hope" it seems. Maybe ignorance. The unwillingness to let go. But why? However - at the end of the day the one and only 'good advise' will always be that: "Go for it! (but be careful!)". Does the 'be careful' need to be a part of it? One might say yes, the other no. Some believe in the value of advises, others say that we have to make our experiences ourselves.
At the center of my representation stands a Card. The 9 of cups - which practically was at the bottom of my deck since I wanted to make sure that I get the number right. Well. According to the guide I have, some call it 'the wish card'. That a wish will come true. Then again it is however said that it could mean to 'look closer'. Since this card popped up in regards to someone I love I hoped that my wish would be fulfilled - already believing that it would have to - while at the same time being prepared, at least I thought so, to see it the other way. Well, however, I will 'take a closer look' at it today. I did. Already. Hope is Love.
But is Love more than just the consequence of Hope?

To get into that, I first want to |talk| some more about the Tarot itself.


I will try to elaborate on this by reflecting upon a bunch of ... lets call them Oracles ... that I've received during the last week, the events surrounding them and the events regarding them.

Recently "we" have discussed how the 10 of Swords:

expresses the functionality of Tarot. So in response to asking the Tarot about itself - at which point it shouldn't be considered weird or contradicting. Of course it would be contradicting if there were no such thing as higher powers. Then we so may ask God personally about whether practicing it is OK or not - yet, to expand the topic onto that: I've learned from God, about the Testimony (asking Him about stuff) that its no absolute answer. That of course doesn't apply onto the main Testimony; Well - which we need to begin with. However - to get it we already require the knowledge that will compose it. Later, the practicality of the Testimony equally boils down to things we cannot resolve on our own. Otherwise the answer is usually "ill conceived" and the 'real' answer will present itself in due time by other means. That means that we are to have an open mind in concern of the world surrounding us. #Science.

We so need not ask God of the truth of Gravity since Gravity is freely available to us. Although Newton wasn't 100% right, it was enough for the time and in due time "we learned" to resolve the conflicts contained in his theories by other means. That implied that we recognized the conflicts in this theory to begin with. #Einstein, #Mercury.

Now I have wisdom of another Card in the A.E. Waite Tarot Deck - and that card is 'Strength'.

My daily Oracle for today was this:

Which I usually lay in the evening prior to sleeping. Thinking about them so far in different ways. This time I was too tired to think about it at all, so I just took notes, took my little guide-book with me and looked at it as I found the time. By that time the Strength and Knight card did already conclude. And I didn't have a clue just prior to it. By the way: The text in that guide-book concerning the cards is written by 'Rachel Pollack'. I so far did find it generally difficult to interpret the Symbols, especially the cups. But we'll get into that later.

Now, the reason why I think the 'Strength' Card makes a good entry example to the nature of Tarot is, that I think that "its effect" already took place the moment I chose to delay an interpretation. In that sense, the Strength card issues, well, we can call it inner competence. Or childish naivety. Strength that simply comes from within. So in the idea a person that is curious about Oracles, gets one, can't deal with it and chooses to move on regardless - that behavior could already expressed by a variety of cards, no doubt.
And so is the nature of it. These cards simply contain images. By themselves vastly without meaning, but by the picture in combination with its title it begets meaning; And as part of an Oracle it may carry the same out.
However, I would say: Life is fluid. And during the average, uneventful day, these may already be too many cards to say something.

So, to catch up: 1 is the 'main aspect', 2 is the past, 3 is the "future", 4 is the root and 5 is "the crown". According to that booklet, text written by 'Johannes Fiebig'. Those are merely suggestions. If you don't want to call it 'fortune telling', the future is simply ... stuff to keep on mind.

Now does this oracle speak to me as my "configuration" for the day. The Emperor would so describe my main aspect of the day. This didn't come down to any particular event, but more my position in a given clique. And by that I don't mean to say that I was the dominant part. Or "its leader". The 2 here is I think a bit more complicated and vastly what I'll be concerned about when it gets to Love. The root card would properly represent my basic concerns going into the day, which is also stuff I'll get to when it gets to Love.

Regarding this particular oracle does it stand that I today had some personal autonomy and strength going into the day. And reflecting upon today I can say that I didn't need this Oracle in order to 'fulfill' it. But I'll get back to that when we get to Love.

Hmm ... this was more inconclusive than I thought it would be!

But so, regarding the Knight of Cups - my problem is that I try to combine the idea behind cups with the idea behind Knights and thus end up seeing Pages, Knights, Queens and Kings as practically the same. So, those of one color. Knight of Cups wouldn't be much different from the King of Cups. And thus the next Layer opens up to me - which I find in the descriptions in that booklet. I would think that those insights are more sophisticated than mine and often open my eyes for what I am to look at. We get to that later with the Queen of Swords.

In simplest terms is this however 'the background'. Literally. Thinking in terms of Poker or Rummy or whatever, the Pages/Knights are lesser than the King. Going by it as I did - that would simply result in a spectrum of the same meaning. Maybe somehow trying to extrapolate an opposed idea for the Queen. But given that we may see them as identical, the only thing that separates them is the "dressing".
So I however found it amazing that the description of this card reflected upon things I had done, although in this sense I do rather attribute that to the card 'Strength'. The Knight of Cups is there described as something a bit of a dreamer. We don't know what he's up to, whether he returns or leaves - is however "on a search".
TO make my own description I will have to first wrap my mind around the concept of these Symbols. Cups are associated to visions - and so I would think of the cups representing my own visions - yet does the Knight of Cups seem somewhat frozen. Or "posing". He's just there, holding a cup - and other than the identity there isn't much of a "Knighthood" we can find in him. So we have to see it in context to our own. Since so the 'truth' that he is a Knight, his Knighthood not being found in the picture thus reveals its own ambiguity to us. Respectively the Knighthood is ... "something".

The cards description (in the booklet, so going forward) further reads the meaning of a "Spiritual Quest". Yet as advise 'to move slow'. Its difficult to unsee the "Slow Motion" he apparently moves in once having heard of it that way and trying to think of it independently. But so, its weird to speak of motion within a still image. But it further reads: "Be aware of your emotions within your acting". This is something I could apply onto now, this and here. And in-deed is there something like that which 'primed' the topic of Love as presented herein to me. It also came to me today. After all, there are a bunch of events that this card now in this sense applies to. The question would be: Does the card simply drop into these events, making them look more special than they otherwise were? What if the card were a different one? Would that also ... fit the bill?

So, lets ask the Tarot for a Card to compare with.

OK, I'll stick to Ace of Cups as it flipped around while I was shuffling.

And from merely looking at it I could fit this card into the very same events. What so 'primed' my idea of Love would be the Vision delivered by the Hand of God. Respectively would I see things "through this vision", and continue to carry it out here. However, my "hunch" is that this card would have come if I couldn't really write about it. So, in comparison to the Knight is this more so presentation to the beholder rather than actively moving to it. So, too close? Lets pick another one. 8 Wands.

I suppose ... 'same thing'. Instead of speaking of "it" as of a Vision, I'd speak of my desires addressed thereby and the divine stuff intertwined with "them" - or so, the vision. So, its "mean" to pick this card if we criticized the ace of cups as 'too close'; Yet so in comparison to the Cups would this card less apply to visions and more to events. According to the description do some associate team-work to this card. While I didn't have any of it today I'd be left to think of the higher power; But the events I associate to 'Strength' and 'Knight of Cups' today - I would attribute those to my own actions rather than Gods. Neither did "our clique" (which shaped and fell apart today ("inn Joke". The guys last day today)) really do that much together. We just bought tobacco between talking a little and having lunch. So, it sortof fits - but ... not quite.

The next one: Judgment.

Yea, well. In a sense could we say that this text now is some Judgment. Or my conclusion following the days events. And this transition/change that the descriptions would speak of, we could say that my 'vision' will have that effect. However, the conclusion of that vision isn't really conclusive yet. It still contains an open question. It doesn't really represent an 'end' - yet merely another stepping stone.

So, so far we had cards that were 'inherently' close to the subject matter discussed. Might we get one that isn't? The next card is 'Justice'.

Well. Its also kindof close. But, that only concerning one single event that I associate to the link between Strength and the Knight of Cups; While as that, it would we a better fit at replacing the card 'Strength'. However is its tone too exaggerated for that. While I could take the previous cards prior to what happened and be somehow on the same track, this card would have really confused me today. Except maybe in a very abstract way.

Maybe that event shouldn't matter at all. Maybe I just took note of it because it had happened and did fit the description. And so I find that the Knight of Cups plays a far larger roll today at all. Like, I ... uploaded the videos from Yesterday and since they are too many and I have just a little bit of space left I have to pick more carefully. Now I found that I wanted to have something - and then realized that that part was amongst those I actually put away as skipped.
And yet again that wasn't something the cards had to tell me. Which ends up being the ... weird, ironic, contradicting part of looking for Oracles.

Yet so, that is a good segue to the topic of Love. Here I then might write some more of 'Strength', that 'event' - but more importantly, what I feel Tarot has helped me with.


There are a few concepts of Life, interaction with God and Love - that work well together and essentially oppose the idea of a 'practical Oracle'. Thats the crux so far 'stumbled upon' - when it gets to Tarot. Maybe I was just lucky today though that I had 'strength' on my side. Well, let me ... solve this out a little.

Speaking of the 'problem' with Oracles we get to the same argument that defends accusations against the inaccuracy of Testimonies. Simple thing. But nevertheless do we sometimes feel helpless. And this sounds like the ideal Pitch to start advertising for fortune tellers. But its nonetheless a truth. We would ordinarily see those as ordeals that we have to go and grow through.

Then we've also had it a bit with the ambiguity of the nature of these Oracles. That however is a good thing for something like an oracle by Cards. Would we so think to throw in cards that are less ambiguous, we'd have to deal with the consequences of entropy a bit more. Entropy - in its relevance to this stuff - has first been a topic in the Matrix Phenomenon. While eventually difficult to miss, well - its kindof ... so that although the tracks as they play in order are subject to divine intervention by being very specific configurations, they yet "seem" to obey the Laws of entropy. That means that it is highly unlikely that the randomizer will pick tracks in the order they appear in the playlist. For instance. While it is not impossible that the same track can play twice in a row - it is highly unlikely and the pattern of which tracks the randomizer picks will always appear random.
If so a card had a very specific meaning, lets say ... the "You'll die tomorrow" card inserted into a normal Tarot deck ... you'll have to deal with the possibility that this card is going to pop up at some point. And if you so lay Oracles every day - you'd suggest that this card would never ever be drawn until the day before you die. That, by the laws of entropy, is highly unlikely!
So this card would pop up, we assume, without you dieing the next day - and yet something might happen that would remind you of that card. So the meaning would get "ambiguated".

Now, ... there are 5 oracles that I want/need to share with you. 3 day Oracles, and 2 'intuitive' ones. The first I should share would be my baseline for this week. Since the week is over tomorrow, its still not truly concluded but I think that they are already fulfilled:

The black ones are cards I forgot. I didn't write them down. I first laid the back row and then the front row. The back row suggested this to me: It will start good, then 'the star' thing happens, and then we'll be together. What then happened was that the devil 'meant' that I was deceived in my primary assumption; The 'change' that is to mean cure was the 'fallout' of that initial negative; And the 5 coins ... they probably mean that I'll go out empty handed. That I'll be stuck 'looking deeper' instead.

I was optimistic all throughout; And there's still a chance she might write me today, but ... lets not. The 5 coins, when taking it as "institutions won't help" would yet speak against it.

At some point then I was still confused and wondering about what I should do I received a comforting feeling as I thought or was bumped into laying another Oracle. On the other side I had three day-Oracles this week so far; And I could understand each of them in the lines of hope going into that relationship.

But now, I think I must apologize since I won't share ... possibly any of it. I'll just ... be straightforward on this.

This Love was building up before I started to use Tarot cards. So the Hope was already there. I barely remember the first day Oracle I wanted to share, but I still do remember three things: The Hierophant was at the root, the Queen of Swords was the Future and the entire thing looked much like Celebration. So I thought it for good and believed that the Queen of Swords would mean a hint at how I would succeed, or how it would happen. That day was the day where I asked her the second time and got denied. So the Queen of Swords

Still resembled the 'work' of the day, which was to "keep the faith" or at least stay optimistic despite the bad weather. Or more so, the 'looking forward' in this ... 'mixed' weather-prospect.

However, what I did to 'fulfill' the Hierophant was that I put the cross onto my bag; And, later that day, I did another Matrix session with the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. That I didn't intend at first - but, while I was so playing Final Countdown I had the inspiration and thought it a good idea. Also thinking of the Hierophant. All in all I got away with a good mood as I didn't try to be too mad about everything.

Then there was wednesday.

This was it, I think. Then there should be thursday ... but I don't remember. I guess I forgot. No! Uhm. OK. Anyway. Yea. So.
So, what this meant for me was 'change' - because of the dead-man. A transition. Well. After all - I was in a really bad mood all day long; Feeling like dead, pinned to the ground; With only dreams to get some kind of optimism - yet during the day I made sense of how I thought to make sense of it at first. Just ... in a different sense. In the end, I had saved up enough money to buy me something, and that something should be a new Hard-drive because the Matrix Videos have piled up filling everything to the brim.

Then came Thursday.

It looked epic. It had the tower, judgment and for the future - the 6 coins. For the past - 9 coins. It came 'after' I had done that 'individualistic' Oracle - and done some stuff accordingly. Then I had a well rounded something, a message, that I could give her. Of all the cards I could have interpreted as "give her the message(s)", it was the 6 coins. Not the Knight of Coins, not the 6 cups. Not the 6 swords - although that one well represents me in my hopes and moods. Willing, looking forward to it, but also rather pessimistic about it.


So, this is the pattern. The second card relates to top, bottom, left and right. The first card to the rest. This I think best reflects a more complex situation. So, what it did was that the rear card was the High Priestess and thus meant to me things I should be quiet about. Perhaps dream about. Think about. Be peaceful about. The near card I guess was the Knight of Swords ... and the cards relating to it ... I didn't really know at first. Death was one of them. But also star. And due to that card I understood that ... . Well, it delivered to me the presence of my inner aspects, well, "the Animalic" as the description reads it. Things at the bottom of that Love. And as I so began to write I further had to remember that the 3 coins basically still "blocked" my progress in a way. So, the thing that initially "told" me to maybe write something and "channel" it into ... the progress. Though the more I wrote the less I liked it. Anyway. In regards to the cards as they were I wrote. Death always came to mind as I wrote of my pessimism. In the sense of admitting defeat - as however I felt it at the time.

I so produced what I then understood as the wealth depicted by the 9 coins, which then set the context to the 6 coins. My wealth versus her poverty, sotospeak.

And because I 'dedicated' yesterdays Matrix phenomenon to her, its still connected that way. But so, judgment and tower. How did they ... apply?

Maybe not yet. But, I felt greatly reliefed anyway. Judgment? I guess, its just in the way how I got the thing to her. Usually ... I see her going out shortly - though since recently she's been avoiding me - but she also seemed somewhat ... different. More ... like ... coming back to it. Maybe that has something to do with ... oh yea, I ... really forgot.

So, in the recent articles you would read of my struggles "with her" that would basically be struggles with ... other entities. Well. I had my thing, the intention to give it to her - made out in my head how, ... I had the opportunity and I didn't - but thats too far ahead already. Moving up from the station to the place I felt this ... weird burning sensation. Like, so with my thoughts - moving into a ball of fire. Like ... I wouldn't or couldn't give it to her. Like she'd be too upset by then already so ... it just wouldn't happen. I only "knew" how to suck all that burning into my heart and eventually it evaporated. Some things remained, but ... the big bad nasty had cleared up and so did she also seem to have lightened up. I chose to sit next to her, with one chair in-between. That day folks however decided to sit so that I would feel really alone there, so I moved one over and ... I don't know. If theres emotional telepathy it wasn't that bad!

Yea. Its ... ... a Love story as it might only happen in a Psychiatry. "If it is one".

So, Judgment happened - changes happened - I gave it to her, the ice broke a little. And ... well.

SO we get to today - after which I can finally come to the "real" part. Uh. ... well.

Anyhow. Today was a bit odd. She seemed ... well, busy. Not negative. And "the event" is really just a silly one. TOday was "motion group" - so, sports, activity - while, there we usually just throw around with balls or other stuff. Catch with left, throw with right, both at the same time ... stuff like that. And since there are usually new ones there's the game of throwing the ball while calling their names. And between her and me I feel this is awkward. I think that people misjudge the "difficulties" - when ... "mentally challenged". So, while Antichristians would know "the game", they'd play the game. Part of it is to let others 'not' play the game; And so - however - there are all sorts of issues in my mind. You maybe know it. "But others will think" or "She will think". She got the ball a few times, looked at me, and then struggled to find someone to throw it to. And yea. I usually ignore her by trying to figure out whom I 'should' throw it to. I don't know someone's name - or want to "practice" it - I'll do it. Or I'll try to see who's been left out, or is somehow in the vicinity of where I might approximate the balls destination. But I also felt like throwing it to her - and thats strength in combo with the knight of cups right there.

Although strength really took more effect later in the group where I just happened to have a good mood and wasn't really all that pre-occupied with stuff.

Yea - well.

End of the line.


So. Hope is Love. As usual - once I've "sent out" a thing, I usually start thinking of things that I 'forgot'. I was in a mindset that was totally different from mine while I was writing. Specifically the item of hope and belief. I didn't question my ability to overcome it if I had to - but, though its just a minor thing, certainly was too pessimistic considering its consequences.

Well. Hope is Love. And while we hope, belief isn't far away. And so also the story with Anna. She never quite ... killed my hope. With Marie its different. I don't feel like trying too much - but I was left riddled with ... concerns. Concerns that I had addressed and now its up to her. If she wants to make it up to her. So I'm in an awkward spot, but I don't feel awkward. I feel relieved. All my concerns are addressed in that message; And if it doesn't mean anything to her I must have been wrong. In this case no answer is an answer - and I understand that without any hope I don't have a reason to believe and without a reason to believe I have no reason to be or feel disappointed.

But I 'know' - the better now - that it was "more". There's a certain potential that, if she decides to give it a chance, will end up in what we might call true Love.

Not in the esoteric sense. In the intermediate sense.

So, what have I learned and how?

Well - open minded ... nothing that I wouldn't have learned without Oracles?

But yea. What would I expect? I had inner struggles - asked, after all, Cards for Guidance (in a sense) - and, I'd expect them to tell me 'yes' or 'no'. But we've learned that these cards have an inherent ambiguity to be valued for what they are. So, they couldn't tell me what. So I'd have to learn what they'd be wanting or willing to tell me. And by learning it, I've learned something - for life. Not just a silly bit of Mysticism - but something profound. Something I was confused about - that the cards guided me through. It was due to that, that I got to write what now makes me feel like I've accomplished something - without anything left. Well - there might things be left, still, ... useless detail that wouldn't matter one way or the other. Well. For now that is, at least.

Would it have happened otherwise? Well, who could tell? The one who could would of course have to say, I assume, of course! But still - the Oracles were better than nothing. I might assume that if I refuse to draw any cards the next week, something good might happen. Or is that superstition?

There are things to maybe dig into that a little deeper. I've begun to write her before all the Tarot stuff. Which to me already meant as much as 'failure'. It meant as much as: "Too much time has passed so that now my escape is on paper". And that, no matter how much I didn't want it that way, would mean that this would have to be the way inevitably.

And so the three of coins popped up "all the time". Well, initially at least.
Together with the 9 cups, which, was probably foreshadowing this.

If it works out in the end, its still true that hope is love. And how this hope gets born ... that may be the answer to what it will be in the end.

Hmm. 9 swords. Whats up with that one? Yea, the 'saddening truth' finally becomes aware. To me it used to be how I felt weekend after weekend, or night after night as time went more and more dire. Its like I had that card programed into me to associate it to that when I saw it. Then it was like a mirror. But I wasn't saddened by this outcome, I was ... smacked by being in Love again. With someone I ... deemed ... maybe too wonderful to be true. Being afraid of getting myself into "just this" situation yet again. Unwilling to do, unwilling to bear the risk to get disappointed yet again. But the way it went on, day after day, was that I only grew more and more eager to see this to an end. A conclusion. Mostly driven by hope. And belief. And if this is now all just to burst like a bubble - I however finally learned it. And this lesson is valuable even if it comes together.

So, well - so far.

Hope is Love - thats ... all I have to say.

I ... can't touch it!

General StuffPosted by Nicole Mon, September 03, 2018 22:52:09

[more details and Tarot]

I started to like her at some point. She ... well, is a quiet girl. Pretty much like me ... except, I'm not really like that anymore. I talk a lot and get to be ashamed of it. Its that kind of engagement. Yea, how would you know? Could it be 'that' bad? "What could possibly go wrong?".

Anyhow - after a while something changed. That was after some 'doubt delivering feelings' had settled in. Well, ... being depressive or tending towards depression or pessimism made me welcome thoughts of doubt since I could tell myself - what I would expect to happen. So, when I felt like she couldn't possibly like me or say yes - I took it as a token of some kind. However did I thereafter start to ... have different names in my heart. I thought "Miriam" or "Mareike". Miriam was my first girlfriend and some other girl I know goes by that name too. Mareike was my ... 'best friend' while I was in the red light and some other girl I know goes by that name too. All in all names charged with some ... well ... personal disdain next to some vague presence of "motion called Love". So, as I then was used to a certain emotional presence of her and engaged with it after that point, those names were there instead. After some struggles with my heart just recently I came to a point where her real name was there. But also something else. Trying to ... face ... the circumstance ... eventually the name 'Anna' came out instead. So, me in my heart calling out to her in some way and that other name came instead. Anna by the way is that ... "first girl". In many ways ... emotionally ... its identical. The circumstances now, superficially, anyway.

Another thing with Miriam and Mareike is that, well, I wasn't really in Love with Miriam and Mareike left me in the friend-zone. After I quit with Miriam she wanted to leave. The town, her parents, ... fortune hunting somewhere else. So I wonder whether she's alright. Mareike I frequently think of when I wonder what options I have in simplest terms. Possible friends. Just something ... social.

WHen I now think of 'her' - the thing is that ... her position of having said no - it seems to me like its more of a spontaneus thing and I sense Annas smell therein. And I don't know what to do.

I don't even know about myself either. Just previously I had to lay down because my heart couldn't take it. Now ... its as though nothing ever happened. I suppose its because I've somehow found an end and turned towards other things. So, right now, I'm fine. And actually I should keep it this way. Be glad about it. And as "predicted" - it all comes down to me coping with it.

And I've been here before. In Love, not wanting to let go, being incapable of thinking of something else, ... and thinking that its right that way. Its strange how the first sane thought I believed to have was the cautious declaration of "maybe I'm just immersing myself too deeply into something". Well, on the other side - that, is one of the things that got me hooked. Turmoils in my heart that urge me to write, despite my deepest disdain against it. I don't want to write. I've been down that road. I don't want to go there anymore. Ironically the end is the same anyway. Except that the answer is more concrete. Although it still doesn't tell me what I want to know. But I can't do anything now - "I won't let it happen" - and so, the laughing part is, basically a kind of relief. Being relieved from all the thoughts and confusions and uncertainties and ... all of it.

And I can't even really cry about it. Except ... when those conflicts drive me into myself and I start digging out for where the conflict is coming from. And I am within my feelings that drove me into action and am in that position where I could ask her "why". There is disappointment ... but, good call. It used to be so that when we saw each other emotions would build up. And over night they'd be just like ... gone. Blown away. And what remains are merely memories. Memories eventually buried underneath a stinkin heap of confusion sooner rather than later.

And while I'm fine now - there is this hole. Most likely the void that took the place of my certainty that this is the one for me. It gives me that feeling that things will never be the same again. "Flowers and Bees". And I can only choose to live with it - while in hindsight ... there is only so little that would actually connect us. It seems stupid. Stupidly small. How could I have come from there to then to here?

I refused to write about it earlier. I was filled with hope and didn't want to "spill the coffee". Remarkably I however also felt bad for thinking about writing it afterwards. "The glorious success". While I should actually spend time with her.

My thoughts of what I might tell her or talk with her about also changed over the time. Its like ... things went from 0 to 100 in just a moment. And it wasn't even that much driven by emotions. There's just something that feels like a bond and provoked these positive imaginations. And the emotions didn't change - except that the bond would eventually seem more real. Confusingly so. Eventually on one hand it felt like we've been together forever. Like we'd already be a couple; And on the other - she was just a girl in the same place. She's interesting, has interests that attract me, she's got that smile. But eventually it changed. I was confused. And things broke apart.

So I thought we had this secret thing going on. She knew me and I knew her. And now I don't know what to do with these things.

Maybe I shouldn't be so pessimistic about it, but this idea feels like torture.

I have to think of Samantha. When I met her and looked her in the eye there was this fire. She came closer and closer - and eventually I told her. She was nice, we made a date and she dropped it. And I was laying there feeling horrible. And I tried to conjure up that moment to understand. I thought I maybe should write about it, but as said, I ... didn't.

I try to spot the differences. Figure out what makes this different from that. The first and most obvious thing was that burning on eye contact. I've had it before and it never really worked out. The one I didn't even try. And yea, she was that kind of girl that went out into Disco and came back with a one night stand. Pretty hot. In my opinion. The looks. Not the behavior. Although ... well.

But I'm also confused about my sexuality now. The way I feel now I'm not sure anymore about all the things I believed in. Sure, things are still there and thinking of it is there a respective way I could love her. Or she me, rather so. But ... the thing is that I lost ... my interest. I don't really care about it anymore. Thats another thing that ... basically caught me off guard. All the time I was so into things that I never thought I could connect to someone any other way. And in that sense, Monica is like an invisible girlfriend that at the same time is like a bar. Its a certain quality I have and for anyone to be anywhere near serious she'd have to live up to that. Of course there's a tolerance. For, else it'd be Monica herself. No one could ever live up to it - and so Samantha. I felt pretty well where our limits would be. And for what we had together, it was well within them. And it was 'well' within them.

Although I always felt that I wanted more than what we had. I tried to put a finger on it, wrote a lot - and sometimes I felt like she actually read what I wrote; And other times I felt like she just nodded regardless.

It wasn't intimate. I didn't find that in her but I wanted it. I guess that why she wasn't a reason for me to not leave that place.

I really didn't know her all that much either. We talked a bit, she seemed to enjoy herself - and everything was basically driven by interests or desires of some kind. Well, not ... talked about. So I eventually felt like she'd just use me to get more privileges at our place. Yet, after I left the place she basically deleted her presence. Was she afraid of me? Or was nothing holding her in the business?

Hmm. Irony! I get a lot of that right now. I remember. I was in High School and we were in the Philippines for a half year and there I had a crush. Well, silly me! I just didn't know what to do and it may have been mostly some subconscious peer pressure that made me write her. We became pen pals. I wrote her one letter, she wrote me one - and that was it. After she gave me her address I didn't know what to do. So, there was that school dance and guys were expected to pick up a lady - and I didn't know what to do. At some point she popped up in my sight and yelled "Ikaw" to me. Which means "you" in ... err. Some philippino dialect. She didn't seem pleased. Not hard to understand where that came from. Now I feel the same way!

While even more ironically, I found myself on the receiving end of it at first. I started to notice her - and at one moment our sights crossed again and she had this strange look on her face. Either like "whats up with you?" - or maybe "when you gonna make a move?". And I could only look down to signal a state of contemplation.

She gave me that feeling of ... investment. She knew things I had said at some point; And when I chose to introduce myself by my currently 'actual' name instead of 'Nicole' she looked at me like "what?". ... Where did these things go?

Maybe she said no and the feeling I got wasn't the way she intended to come across. "Anna".

But I still don't get it.

I'm sick, I'm tired and I'm weak.

So, its definitely her turn now. And thats something I can roll with, ... but ... I don't want to believe it. Else, I feel like I'd give her the feeling that everything is alright while things are most definitely not alright - and that I'd make a move while I most certainly don't want to continue being this stupid.

But here I am - in the same mood as before. Positively optimistic; Believing - and I can't find my way out of it. And so I have to struggle with myself all over again, and since I can't "debunk" it - I feel lost.

She didn't live up to the bar, she blew it away!

And ya. While I'm a whore - "or was one" - I'm technically still a virgin. Its part of my fucked up life and reality. I never knew how to make contact, ... but I eventually learned to just roll with things. Perhaps that was my time in NYC and LA. I learned that there were good people - and that not all of them can be trusted. I learned to keep my distance while still engaging with them. I learned of mutual understanding and simple ... life. Living with or next to each other based on merely circumstance. I was stranded there (in LA) with nothing and came back with two bags full of stuff.

I've a childhood dream that came to make sense now. That dream with the roller-coaster through the void. I remember now - that at some point there was another roller-coaster that at some point went parallel to my track - and I hopped over and everything was fine!

How am I gonna deal with that?

The Matrix tells me that I have to believe. Or ... better believe.

But its weird. This picture kindof collides with another thing. "Anna". It started to happen ... I guess I wrote of it. That it seemed like she would be interested again. I had dreams, ... trying to be all like "hey!" and ... near and close. And now, yea - well - thats what she is. And unsurprisingly the way how is bad!

And now its "obvious". When I doubt, it feels bad. And ... didn't I have a strange calirvoyance about that back then? Where I first wrote of something that felt bad when I doubted? It was as though something tried to tell me that I'd have to keep that in mind so I won't mess it up when it would come to matter.


I can't make sense of anything I do without her anymore. Its not that I could not bear it - it just, ... started to make sense thinking of it and now ... I'm facing the void anyhow. Its just so that ... anyway ... being alone isn't good! That simple. And for the first time I felt like I wouldn't have to go through this alone anymore.

So, you, dear reader, with all your movie education, must at this point only be able to come to one conclusion. Lets hope its the right one!

"Girls are like Busses. One shows up every 15 minutes. You just don't have to be disappointed by it!". Movie advise. Well. It fits the tone. A ... sneaky feeling that seems to appropriately comment on whats really wrong with me. I carry it around with me and at every occasion I get to recall it. But so I also "learned" to protect myself from it. Simply put - I just don't have the time to be bothered. And as a kid I used to believe that the right one would one day just cross my way and things would be fine! For some time I wondered whether thats actually still possible. I wouldn't give much of someone I might meet in a Disco or something; But on the other side - you never know! "Last Resort".

I can at the very least tell myself that I never got distracted too far from that way. Well, although the exact opposite would be true to the cautious observer. Well, as far as I knew I always did the right thing. And for as much as I could tell - I've come the right way!

And - now what? Is this just another phase of my mental illness? Or just something old coming back up? The exact same patterns, over and over again, spread there before me. And I could be sure that things are similar for her.

The Tarot changed nothing. I could take that one card for something I should have done - but I didn't while I tried; And I would have tried anyway. From the time I thought she'd be slipping away I was eager to ... be more "aggressive". I can't live with the idea of letting things slip away. In a way all this sounds far from easy - but on the other side ... there's only one thing. But ... if its just me, ... its just me!

But certainly is there the question for 'why'. I mean, Tarot. There's the desire to have certainty of something buried deep within ones mind. Perhaps a way to dig things out - having them manifested in the cards - to then see how reality goes in different paths. Anyway - a Tarot doesn't create a decision since its the one interpreting the card that thereby does so. The last bit of doubt: It still influences someones actions in a maybe bad way. "That sodding friday". I mean, I saw that she arrived and I figured this might be the time I could at the very least give her my number. I had a message and thought it might be a good idea. So, she could call me if she felt like it. She said "Good Morning" and 'snook away'.

She didn't come with a bike that day and afterwards hurried away. She's ... apparently been really looking forward to meeting that guy.

I did a Tarot for yesterday. And it just re-assured me to play Street Fighter and later to make some music. Something about "being an underdog" and stuff. Though there's nothing else I could have done, it ... did work out just fine. I mean, I'm at 20XX points (Silver League) and playing casual where I get a lot of 3000 players and get my ass wooped regularly. Sometimes even by the 1000-1500 range.

But ... sure! "Whats the point?".

In a way I can't shake the impression that everything was fine - until I had the cards to show me. Then I had it there and I lost it in reality. Well, though at first I tried using poker cards. They seem a lot more capable in terms of right and wrong. Heart is good, the black upside down heart is bad. Cross is divine and diamond is everything else/in-between. The rest is just numbers and faces. With enough cards there could be a sense - while that many tarots ... wouldn't make any!

And why would it work? I asked God - and I asked the Tarot. Hmm. OK, I tried the latter on some other thing on my smart phone. "Do you work?" - result: "Snake". Description: Stuff about deception, even calculated - ... hmm.

I could see how "it" could have thought that I'm asking about 'her'. I mean, I wasn't online at that time, but ... well. It doesn't make sense and anyway ... . So, now while shuffling my Tarots the 10 swords fell out. And although I was advised to not go by the description and to rather just use it to get a general idea of how deep the implied meanings go - I read it to do just that. Intuitively I'd say: The Tarot feels attacked. Like, maybe with some sense of humor trying to point out the irony ... of the answer to that question. Meanings: Spiritual stress, often exaggerated. Resistence to change. Warning/Advise: A situation of crisis escapes another. What to do: An extreme situation is already changing.

Can I make sense of it? Well, so. Reading the description - things get a bit clearer. So, the fingers of him make the gesture of the Hierophant - so, one of blessing. But more significantly does the figure look towards the morning light. Or is it the evening?

So we can look at it both ways. Its the death of the old and a look to the new, or simply a card of defeat. Well, in both cases we have change. And because the figure is dead, we could think of 'resistence' to the same. Maybe this now tells us that Tarot don't work in any way of change. Being themselves resistant to it. So that maybe they would rather mirror your hopes than reflecting on future events - but - it does, ... reflect on them. As so the oracle for the day. Its like so that it 'stitches' a situation to the ground that one would be in some way bound to. And like so we could think that we learn more of the divine through them. So, in seeing our ... powerlessness in face of the predetermined. Which is the other way of saying that we can't bring about change - as from having hopes in the same by knowing the future.

So, its ... working! The situation we draw out in doubts, considering what we know, tells the same thing. We're bound to our present.

But thats not the topic here. The topic is Love. And so, if things were bad for me - well. How should I take the 9 cups? To look deeper or as "it is called": "Card of Wishes"? At this point, ... it still gets to mean the same!

Except whence she has nothing to do with it.

And so is the problem that I thought of it, maybe did it, but can't really remember the results. Thinking of our "relationship". But I would think that this is the kind of trap there is. While ordinarily we'd ask "the stars" to make sure that we don't embarrass ourselves in consequence to our actions. But so then is there also a useful bit. A way of expanding ones insight regarding the things at hand. To maybe see something we might have missed. Which generally can't work if we're biased. And thus incapable of interpreting the complexity of the matter. Which one would get to experience after starting simple - 'however'.

Hmm. Well, I couldn't avoid thinking of it again and almost automatically I lifted the deck and the card at the bottom of the heap is one that I recognize as familiar. In that context. The empress. And well - it doesn't tell me what I wouldn't have told myself. Except that I'm now, due to the "flavor text", to be more considerate while still confident in my emotions as to believe in Love.

The 8 wands is another one. I remember that one because I was very confused by it initially. Something about 'higher power'.

Queen of Cups would be a 'negative' when asking the Tarot for its functionality because of its 'proximity' to acts of creation. But we could also take it the other way and see it as the woman that gathers ... stuff ... in her cup. "The Future" maybe? The Truth? But, that wouldn't have really answered our questions. ... uh ... "Bam!!!"?

The hanged man would also sortof kindof work in the light of expressing caution. More so, although with belief in its functionality ... ? Well. But I would say that thats the thing. What would or could have popped out is not what did pop out. So, if we're discouraged from action or primed to think of being stuck in a bad situation - we could have reflected upon that on the same basis while being left with a more negative conclusion.

And again I find myself wanting to ask the Tarot about her. Its like the only thing I can do. Or think of. I here have no ways to love her. I wished I had her number and could write her or talk with her. I wish ... for something. For ... what I feel to be real to 'be' real. And I have no interactivity with anything at all. All I could do is shuffle the cards and ... 'grow in optimism'. Looking at cards that aren't too ambiguous in their positivity regarding the context. Temperance, Strength, Ace of Cups, ... OK, 7 coins is a bit weird.

The Magician. I would take that as the bad guy.

And maybe I fail to interpret these cards as things that don't deal with me necessarily - but for that I simply lack the strength of heart right now.

So, anything about my conclusion about 'her' as it stands: Knight of Swords. Does it tell me what I am? I mean, this is actually a good question now. I read a lot that the Tarot is more like a mirror. To reflect ones own understanding. And were I the first one to utter the idea of oracles by cards I'd put it the same way. I mean, I ... started with a poker deck and while doing so developed ideas that I found present in that booklet that came with the Tarots.

There's so - first and foremost - a subtle caution uttered in regards to 'fortune telling'. And the meaning of interpretation. But so the problem with Tarots, as said, is their ambiguity. To the untrained eye at least, which is basically where I'm at at the time. But we can understand 'how' it works by drawing comparisons to the Matrix phenomenon.

"Something about my conclusion" ... Knight of Swords. Valiant, Heroic, Decisive, possibly reckless. But also 'doubts, fear but also caution'. Hmm ... so - the issue is: Positive or negative? Both is kindof right here. And yea - this is where we get to what each and every skeptic of the supernatural as "seemingly" said ever. What to do: Time for being brave and smooth movement. Don't hesitate.

Which is a bit less ambiguous. Not in regards to what I should 'do' in reality per se - but in regards to the conclusion. So, time to ... accept it and roll with it.

That way I don't drive myself insane over it - and am ready in case she changes her mind. "Cool".

So, did it help? Well, it kindof didn't! I've been there at all. It changes ... 'nothing'. Basically. But it primes me in a way. I feel confirmed in it - more confident about my conclusion, ... which I by the way couldn't really have changed at all. I mean, to come back to the magician. "I admit" - ... "he's a pickle" ... 'no doubt about it'. But ... well. What can I do about it?

Yet the Tarot doesn't say anything that hasn't been said already in one way or another. And sure, I think this needs re-emphasis. And I think there's still a riddle hidden within it. I mean, at this point I'm sortof circling "into" this conclusion that Tarots ... well, yea ... are resistant to change. But there are tarots that are concerned of just that. As one would be in a situation of contemplation, weighing one thing against the other. Which isn't really anything that applies to me right now. There is no weighing.

The rest just ... goes along. Thats kindof what the poker cards told me. Well, that one is a little bit complicated. First I shuffled until I had two heaps. One left and one right. Then I layed a pyramid (1-3) - cards covered - and cards upon them face up. Then a row of 5 decks with each three cards. First the five, then another five on top and then the last. Then a reverse pyramid with faces up, and then another one on top of it face down.

I so started to cover up on the bottom and then the equivalent on top. Reading stuff into it. The five decks are called "fate cards". Their function ... well. It so happened that they allowed me to connect stuff on the bottom with the top. Simply because of color. So in their vague meaning. Its like solving a puzzle. There's a given meaning in their order and - putting cards onto other is like 'solved'. It solved out fine, but I was left with a deck of three ... "pikes"? And the heap on the right vastly unsolved. So, "the triad of evil remains". Thats pretty much what I took from it - and something about "Queen of Diamonds holding the Prince of Hearts".

I was left with one card, ... and I did put it above the pyramid on top. I'm not sure if it was the card that was covered though - but there was a '2 hearts' "growing" into a '3 hearts'. So, ... growing Love.

Which right now however seems more like mockery. And so are there those points where we're most certainly just not sure what to make of it. Can I trust it or should I not? Can I trust it - but when it matters it will turn against me? So, should I try not to be comforted by the Knight of Swords?

Well, at this point it sortof seems silly to ask that. I guess any Psychiatrist would at this point come down to the same thing as well. Well, 'of course' while it stays within sane measures. I mean, we could interpret it that way - so that I would think of digging more ... aggressively. As understanding the 'don't doubt' in regards to smooth motion that way too. Which could be a good advise. I mean - its a situation where giving advises would generally be foolish. Nobody can tell me what to do. I could get disappointed again and would have to handle it. If I were insane I'd probably get ... to a place with 'cozy walls' ... sotospeak.

But yea. Now ... to mention it, there's "the Loosers Parable". So, the Looser in every movie ever that was in Love with a girl and in the end maybe got her. I so far always understood it as anyone else, possibly. Just the looser/nerd type and the fun surrounding him on the screen. And some might find that special someone. But now I think differently about it. I would ... I mean, I think - because of the way it did hit me - that everyone could find himself in that position. Loving someone that for whatever reasons just seems ... out of reach. Turning even the most badass baller into a scared looser. Just a note.

But anyway. Well, trying to talk this out of my mind - that would be difficult. At least without her help. And with her help I'd find it desirable. I mean, ... its ... weird to realize that ever since I fell in Love with Anna ... things have changed so little. I'm still in Love with someone that doesn't seem to like it, riddled with ambiguities that nourish my hopes.

But yea, so - this is now going in circles. Knight of Swords. The Empress. The Magician. ... where it all ends ... well. I dare not to look again because so far I know ... nine cups and eight wands. It still could mean anything but means as much as ... that I'm powerless!

Ace of Wands: The bottom card that came 'easy'. You know - sometimes cards stick together thus creating 'natural' ... "gaps".
Lovers: The card at the bottom after I lifted again, trying another one. Not an easy one.

If it all comes the negative way ... hmm. So far I get that the negatives are always somewhat present within. Hmm, so, 'Mindscape' is now coming to an end. (The movie). "The truth is the only thing that can set us free". I guess that'd make a nice closure to this one. Otherwise I might have thought of inception. Though, that be more like a blunt club in comparison.

Hmm ... eight wands ... could be "them".

Lovers: "be careful of false decisions".


Well. I guess its fair to say that this turned out to be a nice representation of what I mean by "the Trap within Tarot". I mean - there's a conclusion and since then I'm just moving around in circles drawing cards. And nothing ... changes.

So, could things change were I to just act against it? I would do what I do and thus just move on. Somehow that should make me successful. So we could imply that there might be a curse that would prevent us from being successful another way. Ten swords?

But what if I now succeed? I could so try to be mad - which would also be covered in terms of 'true feelings'. I so could stop believing, be 'more mad', really upset, and be like "its over, you had your chance - now deal with it!". And it would make sense just that I don't think its warranted while I still do basically feel alright. Though, seeing her might not be the same - and Knight of Swords that way would tell me to be careful. In essence that means ... letting go, despite not letting go.

The thing I would do.

So, maybe I'm just naturally good at it and that in the way of being too good for advises of any kind.

So, any ... issues? Yes! Being all in Love might be just what "they" want ... to take her further away from me. Being negative might let her notice that something is wrong. But that could scare her as well. In this endless cycle of possibilities cards won't help. Thats certain! Except maybe I try to put down two cards - one for positive and one for negative - so, explicit. And one for actions. To ... so ... deal with the booklet that I have for guidance.

Page of Wands, Page of Coins, 10 Swords.

Eagerness, Joy and a Juvenile attitude.
Distractions, Loss of Sense/Meaning or Faith. Confusion.
An Extreme Situation is already changing.

Hmm. So ... nothing new!

Where the extreme situation could be me, right now - just as the rest. So ... good?

So, ... this probably goes on until I have to sleep. Its 10 to 11 pm - so, yea. I probably should sleep now. And I haven't eaten yet. I did struggle with it. I felt like, deliberately not eating. But then also to not do that. Now I've wasted my time on this.

By tomorrow I will have forgotten what meaning within the cards makes most sense to me - will be just going and from time to time maybe remember the one or the other. As they come. So, ... so far the Cards help me cope with it. With something they produced? Well, maybe I was too eager giving her that piece of paper - ... ?

Oh God. I mean - well. Its not over. And if thats how it is in ... after rehab, I guess, its overdue to think again.

Or not?

... [dum dum dum].

That's what it is!!!

General StuffPosted by Nicole Mon, September 03, 2018 16:47:40

Well. In appendage to the previous story - now a "preliminary conclusion".

So, as it was - last friday - things ... sortof changed. So, she was about to meet that guy - and I think things got noticeable to me earlier that morning. The way it felt to see her was different. She started to avoid me. More. We had our ways of going out of each others way, but that was different. Then, this morning, 'it' happened. A feeling I know too well and now I think I know what it means. Kindof. Well, its "that" sudden hot flash when seeing someone. It happened as she came into the dining room. I was sitting there and as she came in and probably saw me - it happened.

Well. The thing is - I asked her last week if she'd like to do something with me; And she seemed happy while she said yes. We made something out for the next day, but an appointment interrupted that. I was still in a good mood - well, I guess ... until that friday. The moment she said she had this friend she'd like to meet I felt shocked. And that feeling I know from that first girl I had been in love with returned. That awkward feeling - that feeling of being ... "outclassed" or whatever. And it was so much the same, its like ... she (the first one) was sitting there instead.

And yea. So I asked her today and all of a sudden "no" - she thinks it doesn't 'fit' ... "right now(?)" ... .

I can also add this to my "Tarot Research". I have them since last wednesday. And so far it would seem that it only gives one shitty answers that no-one can actually benefit of. That is I think the more concrete way of expressing those initial suspicions that something might be wrong with them. A problem might be that positives and negatives are ambiguous. Or guidance. Once I was laying stuff out - and while wondering of something and shuffling the cards expanding on something I had been confused about. Now, it was about my family - and the Tarot was positive towards them - however so in the financial sense. I was confused - yet - as it so simply told me something I already knew but wasn't actually fine with. The Tarot would so advise me to 'deal with it' as well as I could and yea, I see that there is no good way to escape. But there was one card which could have meant something else - and as I expanded on that, a way out 'did' expand - just, ... it depends on something else. Or ... someone.

Yea. So - I am confused about it. Still.

I think best for the public to express it is that Song by Michael Jackson called "She's out of my Life". Its ... "funny" ... because I had a dream telling me just that. So, in that dream I was chasing after a woman. She was there, close, part of 'my group' - but whenever things got sexual she disappeared. I tracked her down after I got aware of it being just a dream - but she was occupied speaking in a room. There outside I guess the veil of the dream caught me - but there was someone telling me that maybe I should try showing my affection some more. So in that dream there were two girls. I touched them and they willingly followed me. Thereafter I found myself on a battleground and then put into birds-perspective; Like the whole place had turned into a model of some kind.

Now, I wondered - but it contributed to me actually trying to speak to her instead of trying something else.

And its confusing, because - thinking back ... she caught my eye since the very first time I saw her. I just wouldn't think of her as a potential partner because she was stationed in a different place at that time; And right away I believed that I'd never stand a chance. Although she ... isn't that typical pretty girl some might think usually catch my eye. To me however - she is. I probably have to speak to the doctor about this. Its ... driving me nuts!

Well, in the end - I again have managed to make myself love sick - or ... in more specific words: I don't know how it happened, but it happened anyway. And now it really seems like this song speaks from my heart. I didn't understand what the part "I don't know whether to laugh or cry" should mean. But I get it now. There's this sobering state of ... "well, fuck!" ... and what you wanna do? She said no - and any further thing I'd do would only make it worse. But still ... it doesn't leave me. And this is nothing like I've experienced before except that it is, in a few ways. Superficial ways. The ... ways - inside - are different. The outcome is the same. Now I don't know whether I should wait - while at the same time I won't allow myself to fall back into such patterns.

I was confused because all signs were on green - and I couldn't piece together how it would be love! Crazy, because I for the first time ... thought beyond the simple feelings. Its ... so different from anything else. I was more thinking about that I barely know her and thus asking for how it could be Love while otherwise the feeling itself would determine any notion thereof.

So, the conclusion: Whatever changed is probably due to that guy, who's one of "them" I got to think, ... and now I'm mad at her! I'm generally and majorly pissed and I can't get rid of whatever it is that attracted me to her in the first place.

Yet I had to wonder: About that song. Is it that he had to suffer through it so it could be a warning to others? It would seem like ... something totally different. Like true Love doesn't exist! It only exists to fuck us in the arse because it'd be unfair if anyone had it.

It however doesn't affect my depression. "Yet!". What am I to know about how this develops? I still can push some positive mood into my head and ... probably do it as she's doing. Just ... intentionally and consciously. While she ... whatever.

I still have cards open that need some meaning before I can conclude that part, but as it stands now - the Tarot I shared in that video ... it said that the Hierophant is the Antichrist who's actions would contribute to the broken heart - and thats where we're at now! The cards would still suggest a happy end - but - because she's schizophrenic I doubt that she's gonna get it. And when it comes to my inner eye - during art therapy I've drawn a guy standing in the green facing a huge desert, ... and a tiny staircase next to him leading down there. I also had that feeling ... that she'd have her cock within me - which might be someone elses cock in her. Well ... what could I make of it?


So - I wasn't free enough to do the right thing in time.

Or what?

Why do I always have to do the things I just can't? Never ready - always left behind. Whatever. Maybe she's scared of me - for reasons I tried to explain in the previous article. Or at least doubtful or pre-occupied.

I possible should be positive and hopeful - but honestly - I'm not feeling it nor do I want to feel it! It was nice while it lasted. ...

"The End!"

Love, Innocence and Adultery

General StuffPosted by Nicole Sun, September 02, 2018 17:51:18
[stuff about 'some' deception]

I think I've found my least favorite movie genre. Maybe less of genre and more something of a ... theme or thread. But it is in that ... usually ... strong enough to be considered a Genre. Pretty much like "rape revenge" is a genre. And it usually deals with adultery. Stories about "that type of Guy" that would get "that" type of woman. But more to the point ... are there real life experiences and those that I get while watching ... and there's an intersection. And first of all should I so mention that there is that what we do when we try and consider something for our future when it gets to social stuff. Or rather particular individuals. Its a bit like trying to see into the future. But more of a feeling into it, ... well.

What I'm thinking about takes me way back - where I was madly in Love with a girl that wouldn't respond to me that way and yet I believed. For some reason I believed it still would turn out fine. Time went by, I eventually got away from it - made a lot of new experiences and eventually I got to thinking back.

And ... its the same story ... always, or usual ... just in different ... "shades of gray".

But we all have different ways of ... 'getting used to it'. Coping with it. I mean, the time where I'd just blindly accept what I "sense" are long gone! Now I only 'see it' - and as I see it - I try to make my way away from it. Donald Trump ... and how people react to him ... would be a matter of these and those too. Maybe lets just call him "the good friend" (that always wants to get you high) ... [and when the time comes ...] ... .

What this means is that "I'd say" that "there are those" that ... understand how to give you a good feeling about something. So, in terms of relationships you'd feel safe, in terms of friendship that they be smooth, great parties, ... whatever. You "feel in" ... and "all is good". You wouldn't hate them however - for anything.

And what can you do?

I think we naturally develop this habit of leaving things up to fate. And in a way, thats ... the mistake. There's a certain passivity in it which lets us wait for something - and that something may just be that "stranger" who has that ... thing. "Engagement". Activity. Interest. Gets things moving. "So much better than [X]".

The one side accuses them of professionally exploiting our weaknesses while they defend with "its better that way".

You try not to be a douche - and bam - yet again.

But don't worry - it gets worse!

For quite some time I frequently babbled about how whenever I have some kind of love interest in someone there's someone creeping up on that person to snatch her away. While eventually there's someone else to grab me. Sounds schizophrenic, but eventually I had a chance to observe it happening live.

I also had a strange week yesterday night. In it, well - I had a problem because Monica had a problem with some assholes; But not even the US army was willing to do anything against the "NYC Mafia". Eventually I had a change to get into their stronghold and there was a tiny entrance down into what might just be the most secure chamber - and there she was, imprisoned and raped.

And I really strongly felt this feeling of how it is when you don't like it.

I think thats just a neat image in context. If you're not dangerous to them its all just fun alright. "Lets assume".

So, there is this girl - and the amount of guys I see swirling around her has grown in equivalence to my growing interest in her. Which was ... confusing, or strange, as in a way it seemed like those were extensions of my feelings. And quite actually, the more I thought of her - the more distant she grew. Its like someone used my emotions to basically surf on them and move on in instead. And around that time I had part 2 of that dream I wrote about recently. That one with my dad and being paralyzed. So I made an experiment. For once I started to "Hug a tree" instead, ... and like magic that swirling was no more. Yet I still had a problem within myself. That paralysis. I found myself stuck to the sidelines - too confused, filled with thoughts that would only make me more passive. "I can't dare to ..." or whatever. So I tried to withdraw my ... "emotional focus" from my heart in an attempt to basically 'be as I would'. I so stood up, moved to the window, thereby getting closer to her - and woom - some other guy stood up and tried to pry his way in between us. Moving "with(in)" my 'emotional sympathy' for her. That which was there as within my actions. But I didn't get scared back and eventually he backed off. Not that it mattered all that much, but well. It matters now, and here!

Another thing is that some"thing"(one) is squeezing into my emotions. Like when I think of Monica and get the impression of being stuck with J.Lo. Good for me that I've grown distant from actually giving a damn about all that stuff going on in my mind - but, the thing is that I for instance think of her or anyone for that matter and "she" is "bulging" in like ... trying to get me distracted from whatever I'm thinking about as to eventually make me get things mixed up.

Then, well. Every friday we talk about whats been well this week and what we plan for the weekend. I heard her say she's meeting a friend she hasn't seen in a while - and as I was at home I was sortof, ... stuck and confused ... someone 'building up' feelings for her - and the only thing I could do was to curse in my mind and play Street Fighter. For the feelings, they were weird. Getting sucked into some kind of ... weirdly ... surreal sort of emotional state while then at some point feeling ... like the skin of someone else manifesting around me. 1+1 is still 2. Curses and Tiger Uppercut!

('The Voices' with Ryan Reynolds ... XD)

But well [sigh] - the Horror Genre is plagued by stupid people! And this is the redemption! Might be.

On top of that, well. How to put it? Well, lets compare those emotions to a wind - ... uh, no. But yes. Well - the thing is that I have my 'inner life'. And every once in a while there is this gap - as between me and that "wind" - and there's then "the other guy". He isn't me - but - he's ... changing me. Taking that space of that gap and being however - not me.

So, how is this? First of all - this has nothing to do with voices. These are no 'hallucinations'.

Its I guess the inverse of getting someone else instead of the person I'm thinking of. So, basically - its inevitable to at some point speak more properly of telepathy. At first simply in the sense of empathy. Not that type of empathy which simply means ... "being a good person" ... but ... Deanna Troy type of empathy. Telepathic empathy. Yea, Astair - in some way. But more intermediate.

So, I guess - the story begins in my head. I live my life - and eventually I start to think about someone. And thats where "it" happens. Maybe its the same when we think of some funny advertisement or movie-scene and we can laugh with it as we feel the collective cloud of laughter that this thought has amassed. So I think of someone and so I get engaged with something. So, thats where when looking at the top we try to make out something to base our further behavior or attitude on. So, beyond it - we also get into the realms of crazy. Like the first time around - "that girl" - it all started with a song, while I was high sleeping on someones couch. Could have been Brown Eyes by Beyonce, or something like that. I thought of a girl and started to imagine things. Could we be together? How would it be? And it was as though someone was saying "Yes" ... to all my positive imaginations. And there it came - that warm feeling. I guess - what I had been prolonging for ... for all my life till then. Love. Warmth. Comfort. Now, some wouldn't go as far as to assume that this was me being deliberately put into a psychotic state - but the |guardians of realism| ... well, lets just say "Maaaaa-Trix".

Its a thing. And in a way is the Tarot feat. the Matrix thing (22) - a homage to that. How certain stances or attitudes - just like "the good friend" or "temptation" - give us comfort in our ... "measly" existence.

However. Whatever. Its on when its on - or something like that, whatever.

So - thats, when thinking of telepathic empathy, the individuals starts to engage in a more "thorough" form of interaction. Since she wasn't anywhere close, I also don't think it really had anything to do with how she'd respond. And I noticed something. A couple of times I tried to get to her, close up, for some answers. And beyond a certain point it was as though I left one sphere and entered another. The world where I was in Love with her and had those feelings ended - and a world ... a different world ... started. One where I had no chances.

Well, now its obvious what and why.

Back then, not so much.

After I had been over this I basically ... well. First there was Madonna, then Amanda and then Monica. All, in some way, like guardian angels - in the sense that each of them "pacified" me via some other emotional thing. Nothing like true Love. But, like it. Some other fascination - none alike. Different, but similarly ... enticing. All in and of themselves somewhat capable of sustaining the idea of a fulfilled life and love - but so different that this whole construct of true Love or soulmateship came to crumble. I mean, aside of Polygamous ideas there's just no sense in how all that could be. And because thats just how I was, eventually - so beyond that - I settled on vastly sexual thoughts. For pleasure. Trying to think of other things. Although ... well, whatever.

I think it just happens. At least in my situation. Alone, isolated, ... etc.. So, I eventually got to think of 'her' - and so this 'wind' would engage me in some thoughts - where this "other guy" would for instance incite struggle of some kind. So, in the sense ... I'd think of something and as this character squeezes in that turns into a quarrel. But so I have the feeling that its how she would get to see me. Yea, like ... I would see the other chick instead of her.

And all in all its confusing because the images by which I would differentiate are just forms. The ... 'emotional weight' ... changes. Either dragging me into optimism, false confidence, pessimism, ... all sorts of stuff - that just shouldn't be there.

Well, in general a situation that is created through these odd perceptions thus distorting ones 'normal being' in reality. Pessimism holds one back, optimism into it makes one try to break out - things don't happen as they would or should - etc.. Things get crazy.

Or, if I were to do something while this other character is basically charging me with optimism I'd sortof carry his "genes" (for the lack of a better word) into the activity and be masked. Thats my suggestion. The crazy then is that this "charge" has a motivation that isn't mine and while I'd follow it - I yet have to speak for myself. So, I wouldn't know what to say.

I think its complicated.

Maybe its just a way of getting me scared. Who knows? I think I've had something similar with Taylor Swift "recently"; Where anything would however make me jealous or ... get me uneasy and willing to do stuff because of that ... . However, things that aren't on my actual radar. Things I shouldn't be concerned about. Or things I should be concerned about in another way.

So, what did I miss? I have this bad feeling in my left knee. Well, anyway - I guess I could have put it all shorter. There's that girl and I think about her, get engaged into thoughts and every once in a while a "villain" pops in, one way or the other. The deeper effect simply being a distortion of whats real. In the simplest case we so just wouldn't get to talk, wouldn't come any closer, ... because ... I assume that once I'm not alone anymore things are going to change. The other way around I'm just getting more and more crazy; And once I write about it, that just adds up.

Hmm ... well. Whatever.

Silent Hill : Revelation. It deals in a similar vein as the voices, but I think its a more intimate "revelation" of 'their' kind. Possibly their understanding of reality subconsciously transformed into art.

And that girl, ... I hope she'll be safe - and gets what she wants. Something thats good for her!

But yea. "Empty Promises" - that would be the theme/topic here. Or "Empty" "Promises". The thing is that I can feel 'promises of successful relationshipping' here and there, but ... if one is to sacrifice him or herself for someone elses wellbeing, that ain't truly Love. I could feel well and comforted while someone else takes perfect care of me. Being a partner, giving me a life - and if I wanted I could then call it "it" - the good thing. While yet I know that its just an illusion erected to pacify me within a state of apostasy.

Girl in the middle of Silent Hill surrounded by Monsters screaming: "Help, why doesn't anyone help me?!" ... ??? ... []

Whatever. In metaphor I think we can find ourselves in that situation and wonder - like, ... "where's God?" ... and I wonder: Maybe my advises when it comes to God are different to you than they are to me. I get an immediate response - thinking you get the same. But, if I feel the force and you don't - yea, you'd be like me before I got in - and the effect, well, would take its while to enter the realms of the eightfold (whats perceivable therein).


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