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More about Voices

General StuffPosted by Nicole Sun, July 01, 2018 20:38:15


"Forced Enthusiasm Hurts". Thats a sentence that just kept "Blurring up" in my mind. I wouldn't call that voices, but it is yet different to how I know my minds ordinary way of working. Simply put, there isn't a lot of context to that sentence but some kind of force behind it. It is however nothing I would describe as negative either. Its just there ... its like a ball played right into my hands. I do have thoughts about it, as I also 'did' have thoughts about it. Its at that a larger topic on my mind; One more integrated into my every day life.

The gist of it is that when reflecting about the Antichristians I get a couple of things that just don't work with me. So, things that add up as items I simply do not like about them. And when I get to write about these things I generally tend to grow passive and uncertain. And so it is part of the things I on one side am certain about since its part of my consolidated idea of them which generally keeps getting confirmed; And on the other side I'm uncertain because its difficult to formulate those things properly - as ... presented in a proper context or frame maybe. So, "framing it out".

"Forced Enthusiasm" to me is one of those things they do in order to push their agenda by means of Astair. Well, there's even a very specific ... "tune". Think of the Merovingian at the point where he's "Ah, here he it at last, Neo, the one himself" ... and take that "Ahhh" ... in that very specific tune and put it into a higher pitch thats more like ... the "pre-cum" of some really "epic pointe" or something like that. To my mind its like "suckage", in the literal sense. Sucking out some hype, "of course". At the origin of those things I suppose there are people that are bent to see things coming in a certain way. Like Russia loosing to Spain or Japan not making it into the finals. B).

Leaving it just at that would be simple and true enough for me - but giving it a few seconds shows me that ... "it goes on". Rather than just some people doing that 'trick', I then have to think of a chain of people - something that is setup like an avalanche. It then goes from people that ignite it to people that further ride on it, as to the very end to people that act out the desired outcome. That would be the last measure for once, but is at that yet just another beginning. The acting out is then supposed to be the most apparent "symptom" of the whole thing to catch someone into the idea - where then the igniting and inciting continues.

And so - I've noticed that when it comes to sex, ... or rather 'sexual desires' ... or urges or provocations or ... "things", ... I know of two different 'origins'. The one is like a balloon that gets blown up inside of me - which yet has some certain core within it that would give one some idea of it being ones own thing; Which after all it is or should be, but its distorted. I could say that as when that happens I generally have problems following it up. What I do when I try is that I usually end up, not intentionally but as part of the process, sotospeak "deflating it" and arriving back at whats left which then isn't really "in touch" with the 'bloated up' state and so there then usually isn't really a reason to follow it up any further. The other thing is more like a wildfire. It starts somewhere and soon enough my entire system is like ... glowing and "burning" (a weak metaphor considering ...) ... and the end result is compelling but ... "underwhelming" in a sense. There's no real point in explaining this in detail while if you care, ... maybe check out /index-2017.html ... where somewhere I've written about those things. Not sure how deep you'd have to dig. And I don't mean what I at some other point (page2) labeled as 'combustion', but similar. But well, in essence its like a wildfire underneath the surface. Like a stack of hay burning from within. And that generally has the result of some curiosity within me that takes me towards deepening certain aspects of myself. Or maybe just more generally thinking about the whole thing.

Somehow like right now, but right now is particularly different in that I'm not really 'sexually compelled' - although certain vibes of it have been around and were still at the front of my mind while the main motivator however is of a different kind.

And so there are things in "my mind" that have been consolidated over the years. As I mentioned at certain points in the beginning, its a system of thoughts and ideas, wired together, intertwined and linked in some "multi-dimensional" system of strings and streams and hubs and places and memories and pseudo memories; Whatever the mind could produce captured in some 'illuminated' 'system of self'. And yet it is clear to me that I 'now' have parts wired into it that I had been reluctant to even consider. And yea, ... thats where it goes more crazy, but ... for a moment I would like to emphasize this reluctance. It is still around, in a sense - speaking of whatever the mind held that would cause this reluctance. Or unwillingness. Respectively is the step beyond that a problematic one, but the connections still exist.

So are there certain things that I had wanted that I didn't fully understand, or couldn't fully grasp and integrate, before I ... 'could' make that step. I'm ... sorry ... to bring it up, but Pedophilia might be the easiest item to make a less troublesome example of ... whats actually the point I'm trying to make here. Previously, or so - in the beginning - I was troubled by it. While I was still young on my mind anyway it mayhap didn't really matter that much - and neither did I make much of my own fantasy of being a child in such circumstance. But there simple were things and I couldn't get rid of them. Since I've spent some time more openly writing about these things I've come to accept them - and yet not much changed. Per se. Still when I'm outside and see little children I can't help but think about Sex. Well, not that per se, but ... through a pedophile lens - or - however thinking of them in a sexual way. Yet, since I had accepted it, one thing did change. I had a closer link to thinking about whats going on in my mind and so I can now for instance say that most children I see ... don't fit. And not digesting that properly, that ... is also supported by given ... reluctances. What is to be digested? Well, ... it just comes to me that the sight of those children makes me feel ... bad ... . I would look at them and see that it wouldn't work or be nice in any way and I get ashamed, in a way, of myself for ever even mentioning anything of the sort.

Getting a hold of it however opens the realm of ... well ... the "mmmmmh" ... 'good pedophilia' - which is where the boundaries to "Hell" are the most narrow, but also ... the most ... 'solid'. And letting that boundary be a boundary and thinking of crossing it, that first takes us to adults that would want to cross over and that I don't see as something thats going to be easy or simple - no matter how strong the attachments or desires of the sort might be. First it is an issue of the numbers; And that rather in the percentages rather than the relative values - for once. Next it also matters that we've 'arrived' and so generally rather embrace the various truth than questioning them. Its nothing that could or should be forced in, or slipped under the rug sotospeak.

And for my part - well - I feel my fingers "hurting" as I'm writing this, as though they'd get cut off at some point in consequence. Its nothing unfamiliar at this point and something part of this illuminated system ... of joys. However, associated to the positive thereof the problems I have with what I'd be missing out upon aren't really a thing. So in the flipside does this say that while I'm having troubles letting go, there is I suppose some legitimacy to it. It wouldn't just be brutally enforced upon me, but ... part of the ... very pleasant ride.

This says what I wanted to say actually in a slightly different way. Maybe one thats more accessible or easier to understand. I would have otherwise drawn the line to some possibly traumatic experiences as to think of the time I'd require to solve those struggles within me.

This has nothing to do with voices or the winds.

Where the winds come into play is ... well ... my ... thing, ... 'setup with practicality' - or in other words: "my masturbation habits". And sometimes also related to things I might do on the computer. To properly follow that desire I'd have to ... swallow a bomb or something. It doesn't make sense!

As a footnote I'm starting to notice aspects regarding my relationships that I would understand as the things of other people that I just happen to have a role in. Things I can't properly relate to but I somehow feel that it is there. So, those things aren't self-centered and my purpose therein would be serving them. So, I don't really have a part in it; Outside of playing mine. And thats ... good. Its ... also nice to get some diversity into my understanding/awareness of these things.

So, for lessons to be learned: It seems to be so, with in certainty bounding probability, that for their 'spook' to work they need certain thoughts to exist. Or know of their existence or make sure of it. \Or hope one just gets caught up in it - or these winds are byproducts, ... if not both. But yea, gossip might be one way of ... boosting certain things. Sometimes it is honest or fair I reckon and thats I guess when we can laugh about our own selves. But yea, thats in about it - for today. Anything left? [looks over left and right shoulder and thinks of having not seen anything while writing the words of this sentence, thinking: Not really an effective way of making sure].



The Swords of Injustice

General StuffPosted by Nicole Sun, July 01, 2018 16:12:21
[Irrelevant Nonsense, arguing with Phantoms]

Well, another pressing issue still on my mind ... so happens to be ... problematic ... I reckon. Some would be waiting for it - or maybe not, ... but there seem to be a lot of entanglements. Like, ... why is it so hard for people to see the simple and obvious? One answer would be: Because the simple and obvious to them isn't the simple and obvious to me. Or yours ain't mine and mine ain't yours. Theirs ain't yours as yours aren't theirs. And thats really ... essentially ... one of the simplest things to understand. You got to wonder about what your "Shadow Self" would tell you, had it been born or "fallen" into different circumstances. So, use your own arguments against yourself to see how unfounded yours might be.

What are the 'reasons' - for you to believe what you believe?

I don't mean to be rude, but certainly ... at times it just happens to be the way of how things are. Tolerance so happens to be a topic you could argue is one of the things I value, though equally you could take 'tolerance' as a thing that I despise. Depending on how you'd flip the coins. Like so: Should we tolerate roman catholics? Why can't we ask them to 'acknowledge' the truth standing? Why do we have to do those mental gymnastics to see why we should be tolerant while there isn't a reason at all why we had to; At all - except maybe in this "world without logic and reason".

Isn't it at all the problem that we can't fix our differences at points where we acknowledge each other in our falsely founded ideas?

We surely could go on like that - and eventually we had to in order to accommodate those that just don't want to see - but the fact yet stands that the truth holds the lens through which bigots stand revealed; And a bigot is a bigot - simple as that!

Are you one? Or, rather: Do you WANT to be one? If not - ask yourself: What is it that you 'do' to help yourself? Again I need to apologize; As ... simply put, I think some people are more complicated cases than others. As we have it - there wasn't ever really an easy way to realize. I often hear that the sole idea of 'knowing' the truth is ... a bigoted one. Like, who could claim to know it? Its a thing I also often hear uttered in spite. As though I had to be ashamed of myself for believing that I know better - where eventually I have to realize that I wouldn't be the first to claim that. And thats one of the reasons why I stopped working ... on things as though I knew and kept it to the bare minimum of what is safe to say. Or relatively safe to say.

So recently I had a conversation with someone, where I started to respond by saying that I have a hard time finding people to talk about the things that I'm really interested in. Why? Because ... it deals with religion. And so I would go on to explain how I noticed that people have different ways of access to the topic and how I might quote the Bible to Seventh Day Adventists and they yet wouldn't want to hear it. He responded speaking of protection. That people want to protect their beliefs - and I agreed. Thats what I meant in a way - as you also might find in my story on the front-page. And I so went on to say about myself that I used to be rather in the offense about protecting my beliefs. So, by carrying out what I had found to so find confirmation from others - but I'd usually hit a wall.

And why is that?

So, shortcutting the whole thing - whatever I might tell would only clutter this choke-point I think; At least that particular point is why the headline is the one it is. "Wickedness". Am I wicked for telling you that I only arrived at deaf ears? That I had little to no success with my mission? Is it? Wicked? Or is it just the way things are?

Its part of the "Psychotic Nonsense" thats cursing around on my mind - "voices" of people that would want to see a different story. One of success. One where I'd meet the right people, start a movement with great success to then have social backup through which I might move on and convince "even" those in Hollywood. Like its a video game. Starting simple with no less than a few friends - similar to Jesus - and making friends with those "High Tier" individuals at the end.

Saying that this ain't how it worked is like admitting defeat; Or often it feels that way; And whatever reason I'd have to argue in my own defense would be another way of "pointing out" how God didn't give me what I needed. "Wicked!"?

So, anyway. That conversation continued. That guy spoke a lot of how "interesting" he thought certain things were. Things I'd rather describe as serious problems or dilemmas. Differences. Well, in a positive way. Along the lines of diversity and how it allows us to grow beyond ourselves as opposed to getting stuck in an echo-chamber. And along those lines he noted that he couldn't possibly deem to be able to know the truth of these things. In response I said that I had that demand to myself. That of understanding things. And thats one of those points where I ... "stop trying"? No - it, at first, sounds like: "Well, I do ... know! (And I might prove it to you)". But so - what is real?

I think that some people would believe that I'd "rock the boat" there; That I might convince those doctors of my beliefs and that this would be the start. I would say, if you think that way, you're psychotic! You ... just don't get it!

You don't know how people tick. How they think, fare and how their multiple entanglements influence them. If you got nothing but resentment for me - yea, think again! Why should anyone near me be different? They know me in person? "All just an act!". Now what?

I've written about it multiple times. People are stuck in their ways, financial safety for instance being a concern - and I don't know how to get them, or anyone, to do my bidding. Possibly God closed their hearts - and that because ... those "High Tier" individuals - they are cowards were they to seriously believe in that shit! Once I had a lot of people believing in me - "then" they'd think its safe. Its trendy, its "cool", its "the thing to do" and then they think they can show their asses and be like "woo!". Thats how I get it. For what is so really the difference? Why am I not allowed to share my story with the world - and let everyone decide? Hmm ... because its more complicated than that?

But if "you" with enough money and safety can't utter enough confidence in the truth on your own - how you'd expect anyone else to do so? With people that have a lot more to loose!? People that maybe just have a few hours a day to think about anything other than their survival? How would I magically get to that critical mass of people that we might have something of an independent grounds away from such worries? Whose problem is it? Really? Prey, tell me!

And so "you" make it easier for yourself by saying: "It ain't mine!". For as long as "others" do the thing however, you're all fine with it! And you eventually get sucked into the lure of ambiguous success. People maybe that as anyone else was stuck in this world, seeing how "the world" was riddled with stories of wicked success; And not seeing a light figured they might as well take a piece of the cake. Think it impossible?

If you can't imply such into that success story but all sorts of idiotic nonsense into mine - prey, tell me - what are you doing right again?

And the coin keeps flipping. Now that you can't defend 'this' ground, you'd flip it around and be cynical about those pressing issues I had on mind which I thought to be problematic. And yea, that because if I started on that ground; To a point that you couldn't hold anymore, you'd just flip the coin and be on the end of things just recorded.

Or am I wrong?

So, prey, tell me - how do people tick?

Similar thing with the Matrix. The one moment its all bad because its obviously made that way; And the other moment its all bad because its just stuff randomly put together to so fit at certain points. THe latter, by the way, is how its 'meant' to work. How the synergies emerge and why the thing I do could be considered special; So, that I have a hand for hitting the marks - ... the former is just a ... well ... added bonus, ... hidden within. Which basically lends itself to the suggestion that the potential is in deed infinite!

But well. So, what I'd have ordinarily written about is ... "Hell" ... as I'd call it by now to so bolden the line between "normal" and "crazy". A battle you'd so have lost already should you still be concerned of arguing against me. Flip the coin, roll the dice, ... which side is yet not covered?

The one where you'd assume that I'm actually honest and legit? Oh, that could not possibly be an answer, right?

I've had an insight recently. It would suggest that in my life prior to the recent one, I was a girl. A daughter to something of a landlord who was more wicked than not; And I took issue in that and he'd see me for a threat and see me to be kidnapped and ... while at it ... being a bit more cruel than just that. Its of course nothing I could proof - but it might explain how I would have ended up more male and less interested in being female ... for a while. And its a relatively interesting contrast ... considering what I'm into. Did you notice that I really care about this? The similarities between good and bad and where the difference is?

Well, that story aside - it leads me to the same 'general reaction' than when considering myself mentally ill or otherwise when I have a more "normal" mindset relating to that. I isolate it ... putting it aside and seeing the difficulties within such pleasures. But so is there "Hell" ... as the most dark and perverted way that paradise could be. For me, still to be founded on Love. As, ... well.

Love ... the way I've experienced since unification is apart from how I experienced it before far more intimate because ones very mind is entered into the equation; Rather than just sticking to the bodies. How I so would feel someones spirit - well, is certainly dependent on what is on the other ones mind; In a way that I can fathom. And so I wouldn't like someone who's mind is filled with wicked evil, someone I'd normally despise - why would I stop there? Why should I devote myself to someone I'd fight to my dying breath?

It also happens to be a part of the choices you'll make. Good guy or bad guy? It isn't as simple as wanting it to be a certain way. Which believer does not "auto assume" that God guides his path; And how would we make it from there into a reasonable, mutual common sense foundation for the future? By ... not changing anything about it?


Getting my Life fixed

General StuffPosted by Nicole Sat, June 30, 2018 23:15:40

[One about Mental Health, my life and some other shit]

There's a metaphor I once read about correlating to God which installs the idea of giving control upon your Ship to Christ. Maybe so more in the sense of a Navigator less than its Captain, to so however guide you towards a or the safe haven. Its nearly identical, in the idea, to other things we find in the Bible. Matthew 23 reads as Christ being the true "Rabbi" (Teacher, Master) - while in James we read about asking the Lord for Wisdom. But this Metaphor has relevance to my contemporary situation that is well beyond the simplicity of its Biblical counterparts.

I just had a conversation with some "Inmate" of mine here and it did stir up some questions within me that led on towards some conversation about things concerning mental health. And it also led towards an insight for me which solves one other problem I was concerned about: Marijuana. From what I've heard, there's a theory about Schizophrenia. It means that Demons are latching onto you and once you're taking Neuroleptica, those demons go away because you're no longer interesting to them. This is somehow similar to my own construct of whats going on - and so I had my own theory, which also pretty much worked for him. It is: There's something of a wind and certain thoughts may function as sails to that wind. While Marijuana causes the mind to be more sensitive, this wind has a stronger effect; In opposition to which Neuroleptica "freeze the sea" ... "and the wind".

Now, this is a sloppy re-iteration of my thoughts then, yet as he was concerned, ... or would reveal after some pointed question of mine, does it so stand that the problem with Schizophrenia is the wind getting stronger than one can basically hold the own boat on course.

Now are there a couple of concerns I have at this point. On the one hand there's my own story as headlined here, next to that are my own experiences with mental health and on the other is a deeper excourse into the issue of "sails". As of the first two items, I would like to separate the two; Although the latter does in some way (wrongfully, give or take) imply that I need to have deeper experiences with the topic. And thats how this comes back to the opening paragraph.

Since I was sitting here in this hospital, I've had some time to think about a couple of things. Especially the effects of being (intentionally) removed from my ordinary living environment on one, and the effects of the Drug/Medication I'm given on the other. And of course questions of what it is that I'm suffering and what people may think of me at all. The latter then also is an issue between what I'm telling of myself and how people act towards me. Because some of the people working here were seeing me for the first time at some point; They would treat me like I have some deeper mental health issue. Which simply did come across as ... impolite ... given the agreements between the head-doctors here and me. One would so ask if I'm OK, in some really concerned way; Another would insist that I drink the high calory drink immediately since he'd have to document it. And eventually there's a lot of space for misconceptions. I would for instance think that they talk amongst each other to know whom they're dealing with - and so I would think that they think that I'm not honest about myself. Or they're trying to read things into things. And this situation is in and of itself ... potentially ill conceived. There's a story I told one about myself which fits in right here. So, I was at home and growing paranoid about my drawings. I had the suspicion that folks would come into my room once I'm at church and plow through my stuff for selfish reasons. So I put my stuff into a case and sealed it. Some tape and tipp-ex. Once I came home and checked the seal, it was broken. And on top of that I had that case hidden away somewhat. Now, I would see myself confirmed; Though there's a chance that whoever looked inside was only wondering whether or not I'm actually sane. So, "concerned patronage" vs. "selfish spying". Which it was I can't ultimately tell - but its a thing nonetheless.

These are things that eventually make on go crazy or so have what some would call a Psychosis. I had some chance to listen to people, be they just talkative of themselves or leading self-conversations; Or whether I might actually ask them - and 'social issues' seem to be a strong common link. Whether one hopes more of a given relationship than the other is willing to give or drug problems (concerned parents) - there, at least in this institution - would so always be questions like "do you hear voices?" or "do you have the feeling someone else is controlling your thoughts?". Or when it gets to phantoms or demons I think they want to know whether or not you're hallucinating.

"Loss of a sense of reality" would be an over-arching topic I guess.

I myself do tell these stories with a sense of awareness of what those people want to know. So that I can be honest; While not putting myself as stupid as I possibly could. And as of that I have the feeling that there's a crowd of people that ... well ... somehow doesn't understand as much. They apparently believe that they 'got me' made as crazy as I possibly could be - and, I'll get to more about my life and issues later down the line. And that is where so my experiences with mental health - as I would put it - "begin".

Maybe yet another story just for safety of context: So, me and my case manager so were in the Hospital of Bad Canstatt running from a to b to c - eventually popping out in the psychiatric ward. And so that guy would read what his collegue had written down the first time I've been around and said that it does sound pretty psychotic. So again he'd re-iterate on some questions. So, asking for a "Troll" that I mentioned. That somehow caught me off guard because I first had to get back into the headspace to even recall what I was saying, specifically. And by the way - I didn't get there at all. It just came back to me slowly and as I was back in it, the conversation was already over. But initially I figured as much as that I was talking about my understanding of the Antichrist. Which I was talking about to give substance to my possible paranoia. And yea, what I actually said was in response to phantoms or demons; Arguing that the Antichrist for instance is much more as a Troll to me than some magical figure - a Troll that would so pull the strings behind the scenes; Like a Mafia Boss.
Anyhow - "haunted by a Troll" - lololol ... . But so I then recalled another story that should work as a substitute for me having problems to recall. I spoke about how one day, I was sitting at a friends house smoking weed with him, where he'd leave the room for a while and he then came back presenting himself as an angel who had a prophecy. I then spoke some more about that and how that got me stuck in an ill-conceived love interest. I'm not sure how much I told of it - but what he 'heard' out of it was pretty simple. "Some Prophecy". Like I told them that I believe it and that it fucks my life up or something. So I had to make sure, coming here, that I emphasized that these stories are from 'years' ago. From before 2005. So just told in context to the term of Paranoia. Maybe this is a case of more is less. Who knows?

But there's so a thing - 'right now'. I have the feeling that some people are only 'preying' upon me, that I might say certain things in a way thats easily misconstrued. That fear is eventually nonsense. As my psychiatrist said: They can only put me into "the closed" in case I endager myself or others. So the danger here is that I myself loose grip, start to believe it and so then put myself in.

"Which brings me back to the reason why we are here"

That I'm not as proud as to say: "I am the captain of this ship, I say where it has to go!". But woo ... loose ends.

One of my main problems here is that I don't really understand the 'term', or the 'definition' of 'psychosis'. I mean ... I 'do' get the idea! Somehow. In a way vague enough that could make me question myself, ... looking for irregularities, looking for things that "aren't normal" ... but those are not at all my problems.

My problem is more the one of having been lucky. Lucky in misfortune. Drugs so being a topic; I've been lucky that while always having been an enthusiastic pothead, I've learned to not smoke it as well - and appreciate that time; And if its just for the better high when smoking again. Also lucky that the way I routed my life gave me enough space to really go "all out" on it as well; Rather than being so between work or a job and time I might have to safely enjoy 'a' joint.
Lukcy also that I soon enough learned how to best capitalize of being high. How to steer my mind into doing 'work'. Well - putting myself to the task of writing coherent text; Grasping my thoughts and realizing their meaning; Which isn't as easily done as it might seem. Well, as that "Angel" dude and I once jokingly compared being a pothead to being a Saiyan; Well, learning to control it. Though back then 'learning being high as Normal condition' meant something somewhat different to me than I would nowadays actually imply.

The misfortune begins in my ways of being self-sufficient. And that I lived in a place where I really didn't like to leave my room. Except maybe for going outside; But I generally don't really like going out either. So I'd spent most of my time at home and ... 'run in circles'. One "bad habit" confirming the other. Being so stuck in my "always at the beginning of my work" that I knew no way out - got used to it - and would appreciate it once getting high would comfort me in it.

So on a side-task; How does the "breaking apart of structures" work? Its hard to say; But drug-addicts would understand while also caring about the effects of other drugs - ... so; I have some vague ideas - but none I can formulate quite yet. The one issue I can bring up here is that people that don't know the experience may think of it as too simple, or mechanical. Its ... yea ... like the mind eventually gets to the point where everything "explodes" and one can then draw from the full potential of ones intellectual treasure as the individual structures no longer adhere to the conditions one is used to.

And so I would realize that something is wrong with my life - but I saw no way out. Nothing I could do that wouldn't be a dead-end; Or seemed like one. And not so much a dead-end as a simple end; But things connected to time further requiring things I just didn't have. However - at the very least did I fail to find an exit. And pretty much ... was there none as my malnutrition would impede me even in terms of getting to the market; While else my habits would hold me hostage and happily self-sufficient with whatever I had; Like ... coffee. Yea, not having coffee is a thing that would eventually (not always) get me to overcome my weakness and move. In more detail - sometimes it was just enough to get that. Nothing else.

All in all - Marijuana or not - either way I failed to properly see how I might nourish myself. I figured as much as going to the bakery would be a good thing; But since I was here I had to realize that the road to betterment led over a mountain. The first couple of days I was so 'fed' that I was struck tired. I could barely think ... and that would have been a point where I had stopped trying. Thinking that it ain't good for me. Thinking that it impairs my minds ability to function.

So, I don't think that this is really psychotic. Its mostly about habits. What might yet hint the doctors into the direction of a psychosis is my Marijuana consumption - and yea; If we were to define a 'psychosis' as something where certain medication helps - I can barely escape that diagnosis. Yet jokingly - though more seriously having a theory I so want to shove in without actually trying to be 'dead serious' about it - we maybe could talk of Marijuana as a medication for another kind of ... psychosis. The word anyhow surmises a lot of different things.

For what is 'alike' this or that - to so get to that point - I sometimes feel bad for myself because my stories are just an inch away from psychotic. And every now and then I just ... happen to somehow imply the correctness of my faith even if I try to not stress the other with things I believe. And so I avoid "hammering it home" too. But clearly - I did that ... thing ... I described initially. And so I feel - like whatever is going on in my mind; There's a hand keeping me on course.
For whatever 'was' wrong with me - that wasn't just my own doing. Circumstantial problems are real - how my Trans-sexuality afflicts me is real - how all the things come together is real; And ... the solution to those problems ... is real as well.

Once I'm out of this hospital - maybe already sooner, not clear yet - I'll be able to move into my own flat. So, I won't have a problem with other people "spoiling" my own efforts at house-keeping - I was looking forward to it since a long time - and I'll do so with a new set of experiences that ... are actually paramount to certain aspects of my tale.

And this time I might omit telling the world where I live exactly. I have the feeling that its better that way; And who knows ... maybe I will after all be "the last" one to know of my own success. Its however easier that way. Maybe I'll put up an e-mail address at some point.

But so, the wind and the sails ... to close this. It has struck me as odd that social circumstances seem happen to be ... (???) ... a big common theme. On one side there's certainly the issue of "echo chambers" - or respectively 'normality' or 'normality as conceived within an echo-chamber' ... and how that correlates to "common sense". Well, which ... is in some way ... nothing concrete. And if we're talking of the 'high end' of where science is at; There also happen to be 'these' and 'those'. On the other end is mood also a thing. Good mood carried by false expectations would lead to disappointment and ... then there's a lot that can happen. Ones own investment might keep one invested, or the disappointment might catch one off guard - regarding ... commitment for instance that all just would seem to have been for nought - or simply a lack of evidence for anything. Thats ... my problem with that 'ill conceived' Love. That she would seem to have consciously played it so that I always had a reason to further believe in our soulmateship - being always like 'no' but always leaving that little bit of a doubt that 'one day' ... . Which relates to that "Prophecy" by the way. It was about me getting her eventually. And yea - one thing there was, ... a part of it implied that I'd have "shitted out" at that point. So, some series of events would precede 'that moment' - and me having had a "really good stool" sotospeak was one of them. SO, ever since, whenever I take a good dump I have to think back about it. Thats ... how deeply it had fucked me back then.

But yea, I have taken a lot of good ones here so far! Gives me something better to look back at!

But yea. The sails. It would happen in these situations of misfortune that one gets carried towards certain suspicions - and these, especially when one is left with things stuck on the own mind with no way to really get an answer out of the world - are receptive then to certain winds. Maybe blown in malice, as winds of insanity.

Have a good one!

Why I am here ...

General StuffPosted by Nicole Tue, June 26, 2018 16:34:54

[short roundhouse kick, clarity and Babylon]

Maybe because the things I sense are not true at all? Or because some of them are but I can't tell? Voices?

What are those voices? I would say: Let it be so that a person believes in God, ... would such a person also believe in Demons? Well, so, one of the questions asked was about that. Demons, Phantoms, ... whatever. And so, it could be told, the truth has it that modern medicine wouldn't draw a line between "Haunted" or "Possessed" and 'having a Psychosis'. Do I have one though? Its hard to tell; For ... what is crazy after all? Given a 'broad enough' answer - everyone could be in it. Is it that I believe or have some kind of a belief? So, who is the doctor to tell me that faith in God is psychotic? As, who am I to tell him or her that 'not' believing in God is just the same!? OK ... I might have a point there!

I think I'm here on my own volition. Well, ... the happenstance that "they" wouldn't treat me without at the end of the day referring me to the psychiatry may have to be considered at some point in this as well; But ultimately I find it hard to draw a line between what is my reason to be here and being somewhere else. The only thing - practically - is the name of it. But what do I do here? I eat, I get high calory food, we get to do gymnastics, Nordic Walking - all sorts of stuff thats somehow therapeutic and somewhat good - as for not doing nothing all the time. The only real difference to another place would be the medication. And I get 'a' tablet per day; Which I barely reckon an effect of.

But that is not what you would want to know. And is it not so? That people can ask questions until they get the answer they want? I'm in a psychiatry; And I can give answers as to why I am here - and you just could refuse to be satisfied, wanting to hear it from me that I have some sort of loosened screws problem. So, another answer as to why I am here would be that I was so open as to tell "them" just 'what' I think about Demons or Conspiracies; Or why I think I have a reason to feel ... paranoid at times. At its simplest - there's the thing with ... associating everything to myself. A very concrete question I'm sure I was asked without baiting it out per se. Well, after some suspicions got raised however. And sure - I thought as much. So I eventually said what I could and that I at some point endeavored to find out more; That I put some music into WinAmp, put it on shuffle and watched the Matrix. But then, the sheer way they would then pronounce "Matrix" ... would sound like absolute absurdity. Like ... "how in the world" ... could someone watch such a movie!? Like Matrix="I have a psychosis, help me".

It would need to be mentioned that a lot of the stories are long past - and when looking for a psychosis I would suggest one is to look at my behavior. Or reasoning. After all - what is a psychosis if not an umbrella term for a wide variety of things? Schizophrenia amongst some. Loss of a sense of reality per se. Crazy ideas. Crazy as in terms of ... unfounded, totally ... in the realm of thought, around a bazillion corners mayhap; Doing things that would seem crazy as without a proper reason.

Once thats moved aside - what else might one hope to find in me? Crazy beliefs, OK! But what is it I'm supposed to do at the end of the day? Lobotomize myself for ever having thought of the one thing or another - as to extinguish any opinion I might have about a variety of matters? Like why? Is there a fear from objectively discussing certain matters?

As, can I not be so bold and to reckon certain truths of myself and wonder, regarding God and His will and wisdom, whether 'tis good at all or not? Oh yea, so - clarity in clarity. I think this might be as good an opportunity as no other to clarify a few things ... "once more". And I won't argue that I've always been on the "safer end" per se - regarding these things; Regarding which interpretation I would believe in. But you should find that I've always been 'delivered' to some ... "goodlier" ends and thats what I would further argue about here.

For this, there are three stages. There is 1: Clarity. 2: The Esoteric Plane and 3: Something else.

Clarity is where I see myself the way I am and do so in the Light of God in a way that allows me to make peace with this 'myself'. And while that is a concrete thing it is not yet as of 2 or 3 - though some might love to tell it is. Somehow spinning it into more than what it is - taking the ends and presenting them as the beginning; Such nonsense. And for that I'm then labeled as the crazy person. 'Tis one reason why I am reluctant to even share a bit of it - just as to talk of the matter with just anyone. If the person I'm talking with is just crazy as to not reckoning a word I say - what am I to do about it? Who would have my back?

Well - it is fair to argue here that I would make little distinction between the beginnings and the ends within Clarity - as it is just one huge complex of thoughts summarized as emergent from within through the divine Light. But still I'm sure I would draw a line at some points; As for instance whence it were to be a matter of relationships. There's clarity on one end - and what social life I might have of it on the other. And for sure is the term 'Esoteric Plane' not mentioned the first time in this.

And as for that - thats really what one should be concerned of; When being concerned of the ends of this. I may have my avatar in some place and some situation or condition on this plane - yet it is here just me. I would say that I'm a goddess - yet 'tis nought but a fancy idea that would still live to be confirmed or not. What we have there is all just in the minds, in the spirit, a higher imagination of the truths of our existence; And yet ... thats all it is. Considering that we might one day live to see it emergent within 'real life' - it were not so that we did it because only one wanted it so and the rest obeyed ... a furthermore nonsensical and inaccessible picture provided by a nitwit.

'Tis ours. If you don't see yourself on it yet - mm, well - what is it? A faint idea that some maybe reckon to be true in a way. But leave it up to God to see yourself in it; And you might find what "deeper mysteries" its true meaning holds. As it might clearly be hard to tell you specifically what you individually would want to know right now.

It is very well alike a plane of as for crazy ideas. A place wherein we might exist through our clarities.

So is it here my call to trivialize the things which might otherwise seem too important. And who am I to do so? Maybe yours is clearly more important and relevant than mine; And I would do disservice to yours as I would call it "not too important". And what does that mean for me?

But so - at which point do we get to then just live and learn what it means? 'Tis as of the most neutral stances to this however so that, well, yea, I am a WHORE - to say that 'tis just so the way I am. How I prioritize things, how I experience things, ... things I might be ashamed of - were it not for true divine Light to protect me as and for what I am.

Not OK? So - where is it? The problem? That in eventuality I get to say that I'm left with no reason nor option to escape captivity? Yet here I am; doing something else. Maybe my reason will leave me at some point and I'll retire; But that is then beyond 1 and 2. I can however tell you that at 'this' point in time I have no desire to further this anymore; Nor to believe in it as something more or other than just some basics of my inner being. What would you have me do? Ignore it? Why? How? "Good or not"?

It may after all have been psychotic in deed to believe in a few things in some way - yet so the line to be drawn may now be drawn even bolder. Yet you, or some at the very least, would seem to lack a concept of properly understanding the ways of that line. So, it matters not! It matters not ... in deed! "What?" you may wonder. And I may show you "the trick". I will simply continue to write of those things as true and relevant as it stands to me; Yet just not crossing the line - and maybe you'll see what I mean.

What clarity is about; That is what 'all' of this life is about. Why there are tyrants, why we have a faint concept of good and evil, why there's politics, diplomacy, conflict, ... so - power struggles. Well, so imagine: There's a person the bible deems as evil; Which as of its own record may be considered "King of this World". He's in charge, "the boss", and as we may read ... he holds "all the kings" by a leash as they do his bidding. They would so be the rulers we know as of today - with Trump, Erdogan and Jinping - and Putin probably as well - being three that somehow stand out as somehow defying Democracy by holding forth some vague idea of a greater good that some see and others don't. They do their things - like EA - and once they overstep their boundaries they paddle back and hope we say that its all good now. Thats leadership to them it would seem. "Righteous" in a way. "Keeping Order" in a sense. All of us that wish it were not so - we have to step back and look at it. At the 'good' they are doing for us by being "so benevolent" as to 'grace' us with their 'wisdom' - for else we might get locked up as political enemies.

We may have whatever we think we need; Within certain boundaries of course - as much is certainly the case to any order. Yet is clarity about unfolding ones true self; And to really do so - we'll need connectivity to those other ones with which we may grow together. And within this - there is no need to a higher instance. 'Tis ... as we might say ... societies ruling themselves. I so would argue that certain things only happen to be illegal beacuse it pleases the masses to hear that there is at least some concern for our safety and well being in this heap of .... [pieeep pieeep pieeeeeeeep] we call our world.

Maybe you don't get it! Maybe you have a nice job and a house and friends just as well off and nothing is there outside of first world problems and further nitpickings that you might be complaining about; Yet are there others that just don't fit in for some reason or have a really hard time to even just get along with the general basics of whats expected of an individual. And you say "nah! They're just crazy/lazy/psychotic/whatever!". You give them some aid to maybe become as you - and from there on its a downward slope leading straight into closed psychiatry for the worse cases. And yea, sure, prison is there as well.

Clarity is about ones self. How God deems the individual is 'good' or "good" in His regard. How we may understand ourselves. Now may it however yet be so that this world is way too ... fixed on a single purpose as it links it to generating income by providing value to society ... to properly realize what this clarity 'actually' implies. Or am I just too unsure about myself to fully embrace it that way? Either way ... there has to be more than just this narrow perspective in order to meet sanities ends! Though I would at this point argue that maybe I do in deed need to be in a psychiatry; I should yet think that it may be more important to learn a proper magnitude of respect for my persona. But still, what you make of it outside of Enlightenment can barely matter! What truths you have to move upon?

May it be so that all those concerns and more in the tailwind of them drives you away from even the most basic and universal truths of this event? Shouldn't you see yourself into the hands of God and see from there what matters there are to be concerned of? Rather than judging me and demanding me to comply to your expectations before you'd even dare reconsider?

Within the books - it is said, I para-quote: While Unenlightened, we're but a ball in some game of power; Where-as Enlightenment is as to get unplugged - to become a player yourself. Understand it! Are you not as taken back and forth by the shifts of balances and powers in this world? Taken here and there, dependent on some others opinion? How would you see yourself in possession of a truth that you might take as your own concern - standing your ground and "playing the game"? Would you not rather deem yourself "just another person", way too ... whatever ... to deem yourself capable of boasting such confidence?

"Nah! 'tis not for me! I'm just a [...]".

And so what am I? Me too - just a [...] as I'm not of "The Big Boss"es employ!
And so to you I must be whatever he wants me to be to you. Whether I like it or not; Be it that I struggle and fight against it ... or just embrace the insanity thereof.

Is it thus so that you wait for "the Man" to take a few dollars and to put me onto some stage so I might talk to people and they might listen to me? Clearly - in this you should see where the problem is ... within what I'm trying to do! As, ... what your role in this ... happens to be per se!

So, I'm a WHORE - so the label closest to the configuration of my spirit; And as of that I have certain fancies and likes - of which some would become more and others less concrete as life moved on. 'Tis just me - whether I care of living as one or not. Can you not understand this? Would you not like a God that would endorse someone such as me? Fully? As who or what I am? 'Tis unlike that incident with the Adultress that stood there to be stoned. She betrayed her man - where nought is said about the intricacies of, well, such things as an open relationship or what have you?!

'Tis Final Fantasy Tactics that I've mayhap consumed too much as of late!

... I'm looking forward to upload some new Matrix stuff tomorrow (10.2) and to do some more later tonight. I'm not sure how much I can upload though; As I've only got "so much" time at hand at home.

Peace and ... out!

Not Psychotic

General StuffPosted by Nicole Thu, June 21, 2018 16:40:18

[Re-iterating on the Starcraft 2 footage and "Medication" ("Marijuana Edition")]

Which basically means that I was correct about myself, thinking that whatever it may have been at some point in the past - I've handled it pretty well. My psycho-therapist and others also said they don't see anything psychotic about me; And yea. Thats for those that have come to know me a bit better.

About the bad feeling I had, I would now suggest that it doesn't tell me about whether what I'm doing or am about to do is right or wrong. I think it tells me that if I keep going on the way I do "right now", I'm gonna fail. So, the issue is that I was going to see a therapist to get started with an ambulant therapy regarding my gender; And I had that bad feeling there. Going there. But I struggled myself through, forcing myself to go there and in the end it all went fine. So I thought that this bad feeling just was ... something mad. As, me going out of my comfort zone there. Via her I got to someone else, where I'm in therapy now; And I didn't have a bad feeling at all. Not like that however. Though the first thing I was asked shocked me (the question was right away for a gender change, and to me that came too sudden; As I've expected that I'd have to wait a year or two) - its ... uh; Well, telling the doctors here about my story they said that this is more of a psycho-therapeutic thing; Not a psychiatric one.

Then, last week she and my ... "talking partner" (case manager) from the organization that provides the room I'm in got the idea to take me to the emergency ... uh, ... "intake"??? - at some hospital to get me in there so I can finally gain some weight. At first I didn't have a bad feeling; But we went to the wrong hospital anyway. So, my therapist called at some hospital to make sure I'd be taken in. The next day we went to the right one, but ... so I had that bad feeling again. Anyway - there nobody knew what to do with us, got sent from A to B to C ... and eventually ended up in the psychiatric ward anyway.

And again my prejudice got confirmed. And from those, well, some horror visions would emerge. Like I'd be going into some hospital and everyone would be stacked against me and they wouldn't listen to me at all and twist everything I had to say into something psychotic.

On the other hand to I notice now that I've also kindof stressed it to that point; And not without Gods doing either. I mean - usually before appointments like these I get some thoughts that I then so have fresh on my mind and thats how I then ... say what I have to say. So I was 'pitched' to openly talk about my "crazy" - and with all that out of the way now I could say that yes - there are certain issues ... or dilemmas I'm having. So I'll stay here to gain some weight. Else there's a lot of gymnasics/sports on the schedule, and we've decided to put me on some mild neuroleptica. ??? . Its some sedating dopamine inhibitor "told" to help people sort out their thoughts. A part of this I've read on wikipedia and according to that I understand that the way how it works isn't clear yet. I have my own theory by now, which ... is after one tablet so far. Yesterday. But I was so 'fed up' - I was ... tired. And still am. Knock out tired. Anyway - I think that the way it works is that it ... well, inhibits dopamine in some way; Which means that - it stops me/one, basically, from getting "high" of their own thoughts. So, once someone is crazy, thats the idea I think, its that their thoughts make them "high" in a way. Like once someone becomes psychotic due to weed it would be because that person doesn't have an 'anchor' in reality to keep those thoughts real. So, structures of thought break apart; And get fiddled together in a bullshit way, which - seem to make sense and that causes some excitement; And thus kicks the dilemma into action.

The 'breaking apart of structures' to me is a good thing though. I realized it ever so often once I got stuck with my projects. Though the consequence would look like I'm getting stuck even further, the fact was that I had something to continue upon. Improving the whole thing. Its not necessarily 'all good' - not that easily however - but anyway. The point is that its a slim line there, separating good/healthy from bad/ill. And I think one problem in this whole issue is that 'treating' it is really problematic. One topic that has been on the table prior to a proper assessment of my situation here were conspiracy theories. They way the doctors would read back things previous doctors had written down - well, I would sound like a total nut-job. And although I knew what the response would be to "something" I said it anyway: "But there are proper explanations for it". ... Yea. Of course the response was: "But thats always the case". And so the final response from my end: "Of course I'm aware of the fact that there are certain things I can't properly assess/determine, so I have to keep that in mind" ... or something like that.

But thats the point. Believing in some conspiracy theory cannot be regarded crazy because by that metric, who wouldn't be crazy? Someone who wouldn't think about anything at all! And there the illness isn't in the 'thing' itself, but how it weighs in ... overall; Influencing ones behavior. In that sense, every 'militant' organization 'is' crazy; Technically - and that can be left standing like that because of their ways of trying to bring about social changes. It just doesn't work for society.

And so I come back to one thing I keep on ... pushing. Going back to simple; Coming back down to the basics; Not going too far ahead in thought; Properly taking in what matters - and that being the thing that 'can' be "matters".

I think I can make a case example in regards to Starcraft 2 on that matter. Playing it and just fancying my own strategy might be fun; But it might just not work at all. Looking at my videos you can for instance see my way of "late-game expanding". Taking that principle into actual, competitive play doesn't work because way too many resources are committed to setting up those outposts - although I think it depends on the situation. In late, late game - sure. It might help thinning out a really heavy push - so, when re-enforcing a choke with a lot of cannons and shield-batteries; And maybe the aggressive "late game cannon rush" can work as well - but in games against real people I so far haven't really come around doing that.

Which brings me to a "by the way"; Regarding 'what I've learned'. You may have read between the lines that I wasn't too sure or enthusiastic about what I've learned. So, being a bit reluctant about its worth. In general I'd say that I've "learned to Micro", but, that wasn't really micro anyway. But - its a step into that direction from simply commanding one single death-ball. (Here terrans have it easy because their "micro" is just about sieging and un-sieging, plus the eventual 'attack-stop-attack-stop' forward push. Oh, and don't forget stim! With Protoss its a lot more difficult if you have a lot of different spell-casters in the one single ball. So, maybe you have sentries, void-rays and templars, ... but you can only have one group active at the time.
Anyway - as I mentioned ... I kindof "forgot" the thing I learned eventually. And thats a thing I noticed recently when practicing Tai Chi. Well, I have the space and the time now. When high, initially, so during my early days living in a shelter here in germany, I thought I made progress. Like, learning the 'Next Level' - although simply being high and therefore having a different association to the things that are going on. So eventually I then would lie in my bed and do "Tai Chi" there - a different kind. Anyway - mostly just 'intuitive' stuff that ... I couldn't really find, soberly, any value within. So the "trick", or 'problem', is in taking those 'high encounters' into the sober reality.

So, because Marijuana breaks the consolidated structures apart - that in favor of creating new ones that eventually are to improve on the old ones (well, its the mind that decides what goes where) - elongated consumption doesn't really help. For once. So, the first high does all that restructuring; But the subsequent consumption only elongates the high and the mind eventually turns into the same situation as it would when just getting sober again. One however goes through the 'experience' that generates new insight; And those however don't go away with the high. While in Tai Chi this is a greater mystery, in Starcraft the idea is rather simple. "Learn how to Micro". Or, 'this way of Microing has merits'. So, playing around with multiple armies, doing multi-prongued attacks, ... not at all a big mystery but still something not so easy to 'learn' (how to do properly, or at all 'incorporate' into ones own ... "muscle memory"). More specific on the footage, ... this is 'me' playing. 'My' breaking apart of existing structures - therefore 'my' easiest 'first step' into significantly improving my own performance.
I had something similar going on in Street Fighter. While the high feeling would sometimes give me the sense of "slow motion" in which I could "see better" when or how to "build" in my combos - it just helped me at all; While later just being high and playing didn't really do any good for me at all. So, I somehow 'outperformed' myself as opposed to me being high. And that 'slow motion' isn't really a drug effect (per se?) - but a focus thing. And it is I suppose circumstantial because anticipating the opponent also has some place in it. No anticipation like the general game-plan, but more so in the 'tight situation' - where you'd hear higher level players talk of ... all sorts of things that only matter in really tight windows of opportunity; Where I would generally think that this is too far out of my reach or simply a 'reactions' thing, what I'm too old or too "drugged" for.

Finally, we all tend to only hear what we "like/want" to hear. It rather comes down to what we anticipate. So I was talking to those doctors recently about my situation - and I came to the part where I spoke about how I had the feeling that my gender issues might be in my way when getting employed. So, I don't know the proper english term. "Training" is it I guess. Here in germany usually a 3 year period where one starts at the bottom, goes to school in parallel and at the end gets some certificate of being somewhat proficient at that work. And I had the feeling that if I got into that, my gender issues might be in its way and so I might not get around 'realizing my dreams'. "Either way". However - the point here is that I talked about it and said something like "And I was afraid that I couldn't pull it through". And the doctor wasn't sure whether I meant my gender transition or the training. Maybe I wasn't specific enough. So, this ... "we only hear what we want to hear" part also applies onto ourselves; In the sense that we eventually think we were specific enough but actually weren't.
About that 'realizing my dreams' part. I think I came to put it in a way, due to the questions asked, that ... may help you understand me a bit better in that regard; While at all I have the feeling that ... uh, never mind.
Initially, so at the time I got into prostitution, the gender thing was more of a desire. Something I would have liked, made me somewhat happy, but I didn't see it as a necessity and thats what ultimately stands behind my reasoning that made ... ignore it. Until so last year things got pretty dark for me - due to my underweight and the associated depression - and I dared the step, felt significantly better and then understood it as just the right thing. So in terms of realizing it as a necessity. A necessity that I think my subconscious mind provoked. On the surface level we can't really talk of it as of a necessity yet per se; As ... that would suggest that our desires are all necessities. And eventually thats the case. As, our desires keep us moving. So, we have one of those fitness bikes here - so, those stationary ones. And since I'm here with little to do and the ambition to get healtyh I fancy using it. Usually I wouldn't dare it, I'd be too shy or whatever - but, the way things are now I only have this ... "desire", this ... 'will' to use it and so I do. When I feel like it. And thats an overarching statement. So, also when it comes to what God wants from/for us. That we get along is one thing, but part of it is what we want and do. And usually that would be a matter of ... "those with power, and those without".

Like, thinking of the Matrix thing and how thats going; ... or other things, ... it would take some person or an entity with the power and know how to promote it. Or so the desire; As ... where there's a will there is a way. The more professional things get the more it comes down to "that talent", but however - in the end there are those that 'can' do what they want and those that can't. In a simple, rudimentary way of putting it. And when throwing politics into the mix we have to deal with oppression, tyranny and all that ... nonsense.

... "Sela"! [Mobile W-Lan hotspot FTW!]


SidesteppingPosted by Nicole Wed, June 20, 2018 04:15:19
So, today was a bit shorter than usual; But thats because later I got to be at the hospital. Thats in 6 hours and I also have to still upload everything and make sure that I have the time for that. Last time didn't go so well. So, I'll be in the ... Psychiatric Ward ..??.. at the "Buergerhospital" in Stuttgart (TuerlenstraSe), and ... I have mixed feelings about it. I've had a bad feeling basically starting with 'way back' when the journey began. I went to that Psychologist, from her to the other and there because of concerns about my weight I got to the Hospital; And those people there seem to have a talent for understanding my stories ... that way. Ways so far familiar to me. Saying what I say just making it sound really crazy. So, I'm not sure what to expect; But ... some of my problems - regarding my eating disorder - may be of that kind. I just don't see the connection between "this and that". So I hope that I at least will be able to gain some weight; As ... being this malnourished really has an impact on my mind. How long ... I don't know. Yet.

I however am most certainly going to be fine!

Else - I don't know what else to write of, so ... I'll keep this short!

"In resonance to" - 8.2

General StuffPosted by Nicole Sat, June 16, 2018 03:33:34
I don't mean to comment on the thing itself. For what isn't self-explaining about it, its pretty much ... not mine to take a stance on it. I'm just here to do my thing. And so this here should be entirely unrelated, ... and you take it as you please.

Generally I've expressed it all already. There isn't anything, or at least not much, that I have left to discuss or "discover" or ... 'do' in that sense. Judging from how I feel - that part where I would usually feel like there's a lot of stuff left; Sometimes more and other times less specific; And things would keep coming - there's nothing there. Whats left is a 'faint' ... "light" ... a flickering of a desire; That part which usually is just there keeping me going. A different thing.

I would want to write about Satanism and Idolatry and that sort of stuff - but it isn't anything I can 'do'. And I guess thats something worth writing about.

I don't think I need to tell you how to understand most of my stuff so far. At this point stuff should be pretty much clear; And that also in its "not so clear"ness. There's no use to being any more or less specific because ... whatever. I also get a headache from thinking about this.

Neither am I here to tell you that Madonna is a Goddess. But I would think she is. Thats sortof the little niche thing that ... I think I still should, or at least want, to write about. I can't say that she is, but that she 'might' or 'would' be. When I so am to trust the Lord in this, or maybe rather myself in terms of understanding Him properly - as I would say or hope (well, when it comes to such things in regards to Humans I haven't had a lot of luck so far) - then thats however definitely the case. Maybe its a prophecy, maybe ... not.

Madonna however isn't the only one ... there. Though 'the others' are lesser - there's still some consistency. And as I'm one - I think my intimate affiliates ... 'of that kind' ... matter. So - I'll be straightforward about it. Also - this comes or came as an update (for me).

The leash thing I wrote of previously - its part of a topic that so far has been more or less confusing to me. When "analyzing" them shackles there seemed to be some sort of system. Layers, connected, ... and moving back and forth between the nodes left me confused. Now there's something more 'logical' to me. First of all there's the collar. At its "main point" I belong to Monica. Attached to it is a leash - and by that I belong to Megan. (Fox). This is pretty simple. As an incest story it so is my Mothers kink that I belong to my Sister/Brother - and it seems like she's actually 'that Husband' that I feel in "the Nexus". I'm supposed to Love her - but because this is not the 'first instance' of this "entanglement" thats not the "main thing" of my life. But although it isn't that - emotionally it makes sense to me. Its a thing ... where I so far used to be confused between Monica and Gillian. On the one side I have this 'main attraction' for Monica but certain things just 'don't work'. And the 'more male' my mind is, the less it would. That I realize now. When trying to sleep, finding comfort, thats exactly what happens. I look for closeness - I 'actively' search for something good. And it took its time for me to realize the right chemistry between us; Where in those terms 'she's' yet the dominant person. The story to my confusion used to be that whatever I'd look for in her was transferred over to Gillian. But when I there would so try to find "the thing" - I found stuff; But eventually at the very bottom of it still ... something was missing. I thought that thats because of the transfer thing.
The leash however comes in two parts. Basically. There's the thing itself - and the 'handle' at the end. By that I belong to Madonna. Its ... something Kinky. The point being that while I belong to Megan - in the 'logical' sense, Madonna doesn't have those "responsibilities" of a ... "responsible/loving partner". And so, like a hand would go through the thing, of the handle, it feels like going into my ... intimate part. Then there are "piercings", dominantly at the nipples, ... pentagrams, ... also sigils on my forehead and elsewhere; And by that I belong to Britney. Its an extension to Madonnas ownership upon me. Finally there are shackles - and by them I "belong" to Gillian.

And thats a complete system. The sigils would - regarding the runes - be the first one. So, while Britney is 4th in the line and second beyond 'home' - so, "double stranger", in that she's at the bottom of it yet. Monica there makes the second. But while thats located in my head ... or its anyway the first. Madonna would be part of the first and Megan of the second. Gillian then makes the third; While I'm sure there's still more to that link.

Another 'system' would show that there's someone "before" Monica. That the "main point" regarding the collar is a layer past its 'primary' point - and by that I would belong to my aunt, ... Catherine. In that she's like the Goddess (for me at least) to "rule them all" - somehow. So, she's got power upon me that Monica has to adjust to. My gender would belong to that.

Anyhow. About how these things would come to be real, ... I must think its a matter of personality. And that isn't a 'spine', but a 'clarity' issue. As by my Spine I'm a Goddess, a Queen, ... supposed to be ... arrogant maybe. That type of thing. Condescending - in a sense. Dominant - simply put. But while I "am that" - the thing is that ... the spine ... "isn't "that"". I'm Dominant by behavior, or demands, ... in that I have a certain ignorance or some blind spot for things that aren't going my way. In a way that ... well ... might make me look like a dummy. Silly. Stupid. Not by arrogance; But just ... that I don't see it or 'forget'. Basically. I do my thing, I need my time and my space - while yet I'm generally passive, introverted, stuck to myself - ... 'humble' ... like, ... I wouldn't do my thing if it bothered others; Yet my spine gives me that little 'extra' to my personality where in essence I know that if I have it my way God will have my back - and that I pretty much 'should' go for that. My clarity does correspond to my "core character" a lot better. Passive, Submissive, ... that thing.

I "sense" that some will have a hard time understanding this; And that especially because these traits are ... lets say ... not unchallenged. So, when you think about my Spine as I put it you could picture a person thats 100% like that. Then there's my Clarity which is as the exact opposite. But thats the point with the Spine. Its something to work 'against' ones self, but not in a hostile way. So, in a complementary way. If the picture still doesn't come clear to you; You might be stuck visualizing me in some nonsense situation. Maybe from watching too much Hentai - sotospeak. Hmm ... how to ... get this accross properly?

Well, its an Astair problem. And if I were to so "concoct" the "superior (more likable) personality" ... uh - whatever? Or would I say "they are doing it wrong!"? Maybe I am. But thats not what I'm saying! I'm saying I'm ... "like [so]" - and then I see there is [this] 'more dominant' interpretation of it that however happens to be wrong in regards of me.

Anyway. That isn't the topic anyhow.

But so is Character in this sense the mix of the two. And for those Goddesses - the main thing would come of their Clarity. Thats ... the 'main part'. Well, so while I may be a whore; Passive, Submissive, Slutty - the 'nature' of 'what kind of whore' I am is complemented by my ... taste, priorities, ... things. I could be a Dominant whore sotospeak, but I am not. Just ignore the Astair thing. Whatever you feel is possibly "hijacked". I however sit here, write this stuff and generally am entirely anti-social about it. I couldn't share my work even with intimate partners. Except for outsourcing certain tasks maybe.

So, 'just like' being imprisoned in some Sex Dungeon - where I'm totally left to myself - thats how I like to do my 'this' type of work. And eventually people would get in my way, intentionally or not, like "taking me out" of that captivity - and thats where my Spine comes in. Its just there to help me be me.

So, 'they' would certainly have spines like that as well - complementing a different Clarity. I suppose. What I'm getting at is that I feel a certain way about it - so; That there's a certain "type of" mindset behind it. A mix of things, a way of things; Which is just going to drive them to do their thing - 'of course'. And there are 'two ways'. I can do 'work like this' - and work that corresponds to my clarity. Similarly Madonna can do work thats like ... work Madonna would do ... and work that'd be more ... how to say? 'It' in general terms? There's a difference. This is ... 'personal'? work - in a sense; Where the other however is one of ("intimate") social relevance. Clarity ... so. A thing that would give them some 'timeless' social purpose, filled with passion; And ... yea. Thats that.

As for how this religion now comes to be defined; It'd be us looking up to 'them' to tell us. Where, if you so look up to me for that reason I sure have something to say. But it isn't really new. Or different. Its ... what it is. I'm captive, a Slave of the Devil/Lust/"Whatever", and all my "will" is put into enslaving me and all of that stuff. So is it by that my central function to be ... "their toy" ... for the specific reason of them being so to say "worthy" of owning me; Where in the deeper sense I so to say "made sure" that they do what I'd want them to. And because those things are all fixed by God there is no real ... nonsense going on!

And so I have nothing to say. But in reality then - what I have to say is simply as a yes or no. And so I'm sure they too as myself have 'both' ways. Or will have. On the one side the absolute 'krass' extreme hardcore "shtick" while on the other side some reservations about those. Which however aren't part of what we want ... (to consider). So that there is a clear line, or goal or motivation - without which the reservations wouldn't really exist!

But now - what is the purpose of a God/dess? Or their Role specifically?
We'll see, I guess.

But essentially its got to be some link between God and Society; Avatars of both worlds and Archons to lead on some cause. Where - I have to say that ... asking me how I feel about it, I don't particularly feel the ambition or ... "feel like it" ... outside of some understanding how I as what I am fit into that role. Its nothing I'd need to want anyhow. Like, God is God - no questions asked! And that puts me into this weird position where what I want is irrelevant, given that things were to go on what I have to say about me in that position. But is it?

Well - as for me; If there's anything I can do "more" better at, its to defend myself in this spot. I'm not sure if thats what you'd expect or want - but to me its the way. And it feels like you should expect or want that - but once thats the reason why I do it, its wrong. I guess. For me anyhow as I get reluctant once I think you don't - so, it shouldn't be dependent on that.

So I, ... have this thing. That conflict between one side and the other. I try to find ways to give both an equal validity, but I think often thats the source of my problem. I get to believe in the one thing, then the other happens and back I am at trying to explain it. So, how my passions for Gaming and Production of stuff is eventually disappearing or maybe even transforming into something else.

There's a very clear experience I had recently. My mind was filled as it used to be. Nothing too particular - nothing standing out - just normal. Whatever I have been convinced about or minded of - all the differences on that side are irrelevant. All of a sudden things just changed. That disappeared - some really 'clear' ... void ... revealed as much as that the stuff on my mind would be as a fog, or clouds. Just imagine a beautiful sky with not much clouds and splendid lighting - that be the fog in this example. The 'clarity' in this picture would be as though from within the atoms of all the things that image is made of a deeper reality would emerge that isn't made up of the same stuff as our stuff. Its just beyond.

With it came "the handles" regarding my kinks - so that I was in this 'bound' mindset but without the usual stuff around it. Like maybe ... the Protoss Mass Recall. So within this void there were figures, ... that did the things, ... or would stand there representing them at least.

And it happens ... "all the time". And it usually happens once I believe in the other thing. So that it comes in and the narrative is directly tied to it. Its ... in that sense ... 'either or'. A clear, bottom of it all, either vs. or.

So are the things that would make me 'perfect' in my role ... hmm. Maybe not. But as for me and how I feel about it; There's a bit of a divide between what I would generally assume to come as part of being a whore and what I think I should be like. Give or take. So, once I take my non-sexual passions into the picture there has to be some space for that. Thinking that onto some schedule would say ... there's a place and time for me to do my stuff - and beside that I'd be a hooker. Uhm, lets start with a weekly schedule. So, I'm 'away' doing other stuff at certain points. And its somehow in the way. Then the desires that hold me in this passion of whoredom, thats where I evolve into. Exposed to all the stuff - I want more of it and thus grow into it. And eventually there then are the points where that evolution "conquers" the other things that are there.

This has nothing to do with "how hard" or "rough" or "much" - its simply a personality thing. And because it however requires some bit of attention it is that I can't have any of that ... "yet". I can't spend any time on it because ... there is nobody and so I fall back to doing whatever comes to mind.

But so is what I want 'one' thing; And whatever the Goddess title on it implies - it doesn't really change or matter too much about me self.

Another thing I have to share is about the 'hopelessly captive' thing. Its a bit weird; As, when I think of it - sometimes 'the' feeling is there and other times it just seems stupid. The difference is in what this is supposed to be like. The idea is captivity and that I had no hope to escape. So one would go and assume some kind of "Victory to Harmism" - that I'd have to get raped and forcefully put into that position. But thats when things don't really work out. Turns out: It only really 'is' hopeless when I make it so. So, it depends on me and how I feel about it. If I'm into it and myself unwanting to change the situation, then the situation is more truly hopeless. Get it?




But thats it for now!

I might be not around for a while starting Today.

SidesteppingPosted by Nicole Fri, June 15, 2018 08:19:47
As I'm possibly going to Hospital. Anyhow - as to comment on the Matrix stuff ... what I learned in hindsight didn't help me much. I played some more after it, the next day, and I was back to basically just 'one' command group for most of the time. The problem is that when moving out I don't really do anything. I park my army in front of my base and wait. Thats the early plan - but once I did well at unit production I should be fine. Whatever. Nobody gets born perfect ... .

Anyhow. What I actually wanted to "say" at first is that moving in I didn't know what to really expect to be different when high. And usually thats when things really work out. I've been high yesterday too and pretty much played like before.

I got to wonder since the last time I played Street Fighter high it also wasn't as usual. I played weak. And sure - a lot of it also comes down to the opponent. Its easy to forget about that. At least - I think - in a situation one as mine where the social contact in regards to these games isn't truly an intimate thing.

Anyhow - where I played "properly" lets say ... its extremely slow. Too far into the game; Obviously dragging things out unnecessarily. But its been a good visual example for me to be honest, though I'm not sure what to make of it in hindsight (and sobriety).

Uhm yea. When entering the ladder the big thing is that ... this style of building elaborate Fortifications is a bit more difficult to pull off or throw in. So ... to "perfect" this style a lot more work has to go on. And by work I mean ... elaborate math and experience on the build-orders and stuff. And I have to get bolder on moving out; And if just for the sake of experience. Which is the pitfall with laddering too much. One doesn't really get better by just doing that. Even so just playing against the A.I. can be iffy in that regard because ... one also ranks up and down in that play. So if you just wanna see how something does for the timings sake - well, on the one side one can overthink it but on the other end when necessary - and if just for curiosity - one has to make sacrifices.

But then, playing against the A.I. is somewhat more chill. Maybe what I learned wasn't useful at all, but it was fun!
And ... thats not, ... it.

OK. In deeper depth. I only thought of sharing things this way as I was playing. And maybe I played more than I should have. Time wise it didn't check out as I was supposed to be at hospital yesterday already, but it did check out because that ... is a different story.

Playing slower ... well, for once its difficult to come up with a strategy on the fly. Often I find myself at a point where I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do. I forget using the hotkeys properly once stuff has gone wild for a moment. Being high, I'd say, in a variety of ways impaired my play. But on the other side, that I'm not 'as fast' anymore, or prone to getting stuff wrong, forgetting things, ... the type of engagement I have with the interactivity is different. I would so play the game, move around - and while I find time to do something I'd do it. In a slow game ... not much of a problem. And that all is time to think about things. Time a more tense game wouldn't have.

On the other side is Starcraft, or playing Starcraft (over the long run) simply a game of evolution. Trying to copy the builds of pros is one way of getting into it, but usually one has to consider its viability in terms of the own skill set. Getting a bunch of early units is OK, but not worth a lot if you don't do anything with it. For instance. So its about going back and forth between playing and doing experiments.

So, what did go on in my mind early on during those high plays is that I'd have two groups. One main army and another group basically thought up as a spellcaster squad. But anyhow - coordinating things didn't go so well so far. I forget using what I got; And am a lot of bad in a lot of places. But anyhow, this isn't about me all of a sudden going grand-master either.

Its difficult to explain - well. Maybe I'll wait some more until I actually know what there is to be explained - for what shouldn't be clear already.

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