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SidesteppingPosted by Nicole Wed, June 20, 2018 04:15:19
So, today was a bit shorter than usual; But thats because later I got to be at the hospital. Thats in 6 hours and I also have to still upload everything and make sure that I have the time for that. Last time didn't go so well. So, I'll be in the ... Psychiatric Ward ..??.. at the "Buergerhospital" in Stuttgart (TuerlenstraSe), and ... I have mixed feelings about it. I've had a bad feeling basically starting with 'way back' when the journey began. I went to that Psychologist, from her to the other and there because of concerns about my weight I got to the Hospital; And those people there seem to have a talent for understanding my stories ... that way. Ways so far familiar to me. Saying what I say just making it sound really crazy. So, I'm not sure what to expect; But ... some of my problems - regarding my eating disorder - may be of that kind. I just don't see the connection between "this and that". So I hope that I at least will be able to gain some weight; As ... being this malnourished really has an impact on my mind. How long ... I don't know. Yet.

I however am most certainly going to be fine!

Else - I don't know what else to write of, so ... I'll keep this short!

"In resonance to" - 8.2

General StuffPosted by Nicole Sat, June 16, 2018 03:33:34
I don't mean to comment on the thing itself. For what isn't self-explaining about it, its pretty much ... not mine to take a stance on it. I'm just here to do my thing. And so this here should be entirely unrelated, ... and you take it as you please.

Generally I've expressed it all already. There isn't anything, or at least not much, that I have left to discuss or "discover" or ... 'do' in that sense. Judging from how I feel - that part where I would usually feel like there's a lot of stuff left; Sometimes more and other times less specific; And things would keep coming - there's nothing there. Whats left is a 'faint' ... "light" ... a flickering of a desire; That part which usually is just there keeping me going. A different thing.

I would want to write about Satanism and Idolatry and that sort of stuff - but it isn't anything I can 'do'. And I guess thats something worth writing about.

I don't think I need to tell you how to understand most of my stuff so far. At this point stuff should be pretty much clear; And that also in its "not so clear"ness. There's no use to being any more or less specific because ... whatever. I also get a headache from thinking about this.

Neither am I here to tell you that Madonna is a Goddess. But I would think she is. Thats sortof the little niche thing that ... I think I still should, or at least want, to write about. I can't say that she is, but that she 'might' or 'would' be. When I so am to trust the Lord in this, or maybe rather myself in terms of understanding Him properly - as I would say or hope (well, when it comes to such things in regards to Humans I haven't had a lot of luck so far) - then thats however definitely the case. Maybe its a prophecy, maybe ... not.

Madonna however isn't the only one ... there. Though 'the others' are lesser - there's still some consistency. And as I'm one - I think my intimate affiliates ... 'of that kind' ... matter. So - I'll be straightforward about it. Also - this comes or came as an update (for me).

The leash thing I wrote of previously - its part of a topic that so far has been more or less confusing to me. When "analyzing" them shackles there seemed to be some sort of system. Layers, connected, ... and moving back and forth between the nodes left me confused. Now there's something more 'logical' to me. First of all there's the collar. At its "main point" I belong to Monica. Attached to it is a leash - and by that I belong to Megan. (Fox). This is pretty simple. As an incest story it so is my Mothers kink that I belong to my Sister/Brother - and it seems like she's actually 'that Husband' that I feel in "the Nexus". I'm supposed to Love her - but because this is not the 'first instance' of this "entanglement" thats not the "main thing" of my life. But although it isn't that - emotionally it makes sense to me. Its a thing ... where I so far used to be confused between Monica and Gillian. On the one side I have this 'main attraction' for Monica but certain things just 'don't work'. And the 'more male' my mind is, the less it would. That I realize now. When trying to sleep, finding comfort, thats exactly what happens. I look for closeness - I 'actively' search for something good. And it took its time for me to realize the right chemistry between us; Where in those terms 'she's' yet the dominant person. The story to my confusion used to be that whatever I'd look for in her was transferred over to Gillian. But when I there would so try to find "the thing" - I found stuff; But eventually at the very bottom of it still ... something was missing. I thought that thats because of the transfer thing.
The leash however comes in two parts. Basically. There's the thing itself - and the 'handle' at the end. By that I belong to Madonna. Its ... something Kinky. The point being that while I belong to Megan - in the 'logical' sense, Madonna doesn't have those "responsibilities" of a ... "responsible/loving partner". And so, like a hand would go through the thing, of the handle, it feels like going into my ... intimate part. Then there are "piercings", dominantly at the nipples, ... pentagrams, ... also sigils on my forehead and elsewhere; And by that I belong to Britney. Its an extension to Madonnas ownership upon me. Finally there are shackles - and by them I "belong" to Gillian.

And thats a complete system. The sigils would - regarding the runes - be the first one. So, while Britney is 4th in the line and second beyond 'home' - so, "double stranger", in that she's at the bottom of it yet. Monica there makes the second. But while thats located in my head ... or its anyway the first. Madonna would be part of the first and Megan of the second. Gillian then makes the third; While I'm sure there's still more to that link.

Another 'system' would show that there's someone "before" Monica. That the "main point" regarding the collar is a layer past its 'primary' point - and by that I would belong to my aunt, ... Catherine. In that she's like the Goddess (for me at least) to "rule them all" - somehow. So, she's got power upon me that Monica has to adjust to. My gender would belong to that.

Anyhow. About how these things would come to be real, ... I must think its a matter of personality. And that isn't a 'spine', but a 'clarity' issue. As by my Spine I'm a Goddess, a Queen, ... supposed to be ... arrogant maybe. That type of thing. Condescending - in a sense. Dominant - simply put. But while I "am that" - the thing is that ... the spine ... "isn't "that"". I'm Dominant by behavior, or demands, ... in that I have a certain ignorance or some blind spot for things that aren't going my way. In a way that ... well ... might make me look like a dummy. Silly. Stupid. Not by arrogance; But just ... that I don't see it or 'forget'. Basically. I do my thing, I need my time and my space - while yet I'm generally passive, introverted, stuck to myself - ... 'humble' ... like, ... I wouldn't do my thing if it bothered others; Yet my spine gives me that little 'extra' to my personality where in essence I know that if I have it my way God will have my back - and that I pretty much 'should' go for that. My clarity does correspond to my "core character" a lot better. Passive, Submissive, ... that thing.

I "sense" that some will have a hard time understanding this; And that especially because these traits are ... lets say ... not unchallenged. So, when you think about my Spine as I put it you could picture a person thats 100% like that. Then there's my Clarity which is as the exact opposite. But thats the point with the Spine. Its something to work 'against' ones self, but not in a hostile way. So, in a complementary way. If the picture still doesn't come clear to you; You might be stuck visualizing me in some nonsense situation. Maybe from watching too much Hentai - sotospeak. Hmm ... how to ... get this accross properly?

Well, its an Astair problem. And if I were to so "concoct" the "superior (more likable) personality" ... uh - whatever? Or would I say "they are doing it wrong!"? Maybe I am. But thats not what I'm saying! I'm saying I'm ... "like [so]" - and then I see there is [this] 'more dominant' interpretation of it that however happens to be wrong in regards of me.

Anyway. That isn't the topic anyhow.

But so is Character in this sense the mix of the two. And for those Goddesses - the main thing would come of their Clarity. Thats ... the 'main part'. Well, so while I may be a whore; Passive, Submissive, Slutty - the 'nature' of 'what kind of whore' I am is complemented by my ... taste, priorities, ... things. I could be a Dominant whore sotospeak, but I am not. Just ignore the Astair thing. Whatever you feel is possibly "hijacked". I however sit here, write this stuff and generally am entirely anti-social about it. I couldn't share my work even with intimate partners. Except for outsourcing certain tasks maybe.

So, 'just like' being imprisoned in some Sex Dungeon - where I'm totally left to myself - thats how I like to do my 'this' type of work. And eventually people would get in my way, intentionally or not, like "taking me out" of that captivity - and thats where my Spine comes in. Its just there to help me be me.

So, 'they' would certainly have spines like that as well - complementing a different Clarity. I suppose. What I'm getting at is that I feel a certain way about it - so; That there's a certain "type of" mindset behind it. A mix of things, a way of things; Which is just going to drive them to do their thing - 'of course'. And there are 'two ways'. I can do 'work like this' - and work that corresponds to my clarity. Similarly Madonna can do work thats like ... work Madonna would do ... and work that'd be more ... how to say? 'It' in general terms? There's a difference. This is ... 'personal'? work - in a sense; Where the other however is one of ("intimate") social relevance. Clarity ... so. A thing that would give them some 'timeless' social purpose, filled with passion; And ... yea. Thats that.

As for how this religion now comes to be defined; It'd be us looking up to 'them' to tell us. Where, if you so look up to me for that reason I sure have something to say. But it isn't really new. Or different. Its ... what it is. I'm captive, a Slave of the Devil/Lust/"Whatever", and all my "will" is put into enslaving me and all of that stuff. So is it by that my central function to be ... "their toy" ... for the specific reason of them being so to say "worthy" of owning me; Where in the deeper sense I so to say "made sure" that they do what I'd want them to. And because those things are all fixed by God there is no real ... nonsense going on!

And so I have nothing to say. But in reality then - what I have to say is simply as a yes or no. And so I'm sure they too as myself have 'both' ways. Or will have. On the one side the absolute 'krass' extreme hardcore "shtick" while on the other side some reservations about those. Which however aren't part of what we want ... (to consider). So that there is a clear line, or goal or motivation - without which the reservations wouldn't really exist!

But now - what is the purpose of a God/dess? Or their Role specifically?
We'll see, I guess.

But essentially its got to be some link between God and Society; Avatars of both worlds and Archons to lead on some cause. Where - I have to say that ... asking me how I feel about it, I don't particularly feel the ambition or ... "feel like it" ... outside of some understanding how I as what I am fit into that role. Its nothing I'd need to want anyhow. Like, God is God - no questions asked! And that puts me into this weird position where what I want is irrelevant, given that things were to go on what I have to say about me in that position. But is it?

Well - as for me; If there's anything I can do "more" better at, its to defend myself in this spot. I'm not sure if thats what you'd expect or want - but to me its the way. And it feels like you should expect or want that - but once thats the reason why I do it, its wrong. I guess. For me anyhow as I get reluctant once I think you don't - so, it shouldn't be dependent on that.

So I, ... have this thing. That conflict between one side and the other. I try to find ways to give both an equal validity, but I think often thats the source of my problem. I get to believe in the one thing, then the other happens and back I am at trying to explain it. So, how my passions for Gaming and Production of stuff is eventually disappearing or maybe even transforming into something else.

There's a very clear experience I had recently. My mind was filled as it used to be. Nothing too particular - nothing standing out - just normal. Whatever I have been convinced about or minded of - all the differences on that side are irrelevant. All of a sudden things just changed. That disappeared - some really 'clear' ... void ... revealed as much as that the stuff on my mind would be as a fog, or clouds. Just imagine a beautiful sky with not much clouds and splendid lighting - that be the fog in this example. The 'clarity' in this picture would be as though from within the atoms of all the things that image is made of a deeper reality would emerge that isn't made up of the same stuff as our stuff. Its just beyond.

With it came "the handles" regarding my kinks - so that I was in this 'bound' mindset but without the usual stuff around it. Like maybe ... the Protoss Mass Recall. So within this void there were figures, ... that did the things, ... or would stand there representing them at least.

And it happens ... "all the time". And it usually happens once I believe in the other thing. So that it comes in and the narrative is directly tied to it. Its ... in that sense ... 'either or'. A clear, bottom of it all, either vs. or.

So are the things that would make me 'perfect' in my role ... hmm. Maybe not. But as for me and how I feel about it; There's a bit of a divide between what I would generally assume to come as part of being a whore and what I think I should be like. Give or take. So, once I take my non-sexual passions into the picture there has to be some space for that. Thinking that onto some schedule would say ... there's a place and time for me to do my stuff - and beside that I'd be a hooker. Uhm, lets start with a weekly schedule. So, I'm 'away' doing other stuff at certain points. And its somehow in the way. Then the desires that hold me in this passion of whoredom, thats where I evolve into. Exposed to all the stuff - I want more of it and thus grow into it. And eventually there then are the points where that evolution "conquers" the other things that are there.

This has nothing to do with "how hard" or "rough" or "much" - its simply a personality thing. And because it however requires some bit of attention it is that I can't have any of that ... "yet". I can't spend any time on it because ... there is nobody and so I fall back to doing whatever comes to mind.

But so is what I want 'one' thing; And whatever the Goddess title on it implies - it doesn't really change or matter too much about me self.

Another thing I have to share is about the 'hopelessly captive' thing. Its a bit weird; As, when I think of it - sometimes 'the' feeling is there and other times it just seems stupid. The difference is in what this is supposed to be like. The idea is captivity and that I had no hope to escape. So one would go and assume some kind of "Victory to Harmism" - that I'd have to get raped and forcefully put into that position. But thats when things don't really work out. Turns out: It only really 'is' hopeless when I make it so. So, it depends on me and how I feel about it. If I'm into it and myself unwanting to change the situation, then the situation is more truly hopeless. Get it?




But thats it for now!

I might be not around for a while starting Today.

SidesteppingPosted by Nicole Fri, June 15, 2018 08:19:47
As I'm possibly going to Hospital. Anyhow - as to comment on the Matrix stuff ... what I learned in hindsight didn't help me much. I played some more after it, the next day, and I was back to basically just 'one' command group for most of the time. The problem is that when moving out I don't really do anything. I park my army in front of my base and wait. Thats the early plan - but once I did well at unit production I should be fine. Whatever. Nobody gets born perfect ... .

Anyhow. What I actually wanted to "say" at first is that moving in I didn't know what to really expect to be different when high. And usually thats when things really work out. I've been high yesterday too and pretty much played like before.

I got to wonder since the last time I played Street Fighter high it also wasn't as usual. I played weak. And sure - a lot of it also comes down to the opponent. Its easy to forget about that. At least - I think - in a situation one as mine where the social contact in regards to these games isn't truly an intimate thing.

Anyhow - where I played "properly" lets say ... its extremely slow. Too far into the game; Obviously dragging things out unnecessarily. But its been a good visual example for me to be honest, though I'm not sure what to make of it in hindsight (and sobriety).

Uhm yea. When entering the ladder the big thing is that ... this style of building elaborate Fortifications is a bit more difficult to pull off or throw in. So ... to "perfect" this style a lot more work has to go on. And by work I mean ... elaborate math and experience on the build-orders and stuff. And I have to get bolder on moving out; And if just for the sake of experience. Which is the pitfall with laddering too much. One doesn't really get better by just doing that. Even so just playing against the A.I. can be iffy in that regard because ... one also ranks up and down in that play. So if you just wanna see how something does for the timings sake - well, on the one side one can overthink it but on the other end when necessary - and if just for curiosity - one has to make sacrifices.

But then, playing against the A.I. is somewhat more chill. Maybe what I learned wasn't useful at all, but it was fun!
And ... thats not, ... it.

OK. In deeper depth. I only thought of sharing things this way as I was playing. And maybe I played more than I should have. Time wise it didn't check out as I was supposed to be at hospital yesterday already, but it did check out because that ... is a different story.

Playing slower ... well, for once its difficult to come up with a strategy on the fly. Often I find myself at a point where I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do. I forget using the hotkeys properly once stuff has gone wild for a moment. Being high, I'd say, in a variety of ways impaired my play. But on the other side, that I'm not 'as fast' anymore, or prone to getting stuff wrong, forgetting things, ... the type of engagement I have with the interactivity is different. I would so play the game, move around - and while I find time to do something I'd do it. In a slow game ... not much of a problem. And that all is time to think about things. Time a more tense game wouldn't have.

On the other side is Starcraft, or playing Starcraft (over the long run) simply a game of evolution. Trying to copy the builds of pros is one way of getting into it, but usually one has to consider its viability in terms of the own skill set. Getting a bunch of early units is OK, but not worth a lot if you don't do anything with it. For instance. So its about going back and forth between playing and doing experiments.

So, what did go on in my mind early on during those high plays is that I'd have two groups. One main army and another group basically thought up as a spellcaster squad. But anyhow - coordinating things didn't go so well so far. I forget using what I got; And am a lot of bad in a lot of places. But anyhow, this isn't about me all of a sudden going grand-master either.

Its difficult to explain - well. Maybe I'll wait some more until I actually know what there is to be explained - for what shouldn't be clear already.

A time to Screw

General StuffPosted by Nicole Tue, June 12, 2018 11:47:39

[Astair, Dreamish glitches, Weird Perversions and internalized Projections]

The reason why I'm not yet ready to share that thing which I alluded to previously is somehow connected to that Anime. The last one in the 8-2 sequence. I haven't seen that Anime yet. By the way. I just happened to have it somehow. And its well drawn - which eventually should concern me, as in, "raising red flags". But, thats a different issue.

'Its not all good'. Thats another thing thats been kindof in the rise that I've got an eye on.

However - that imagery did something for me. At the end of those considerations I've come to "conclude" ... or "preclude" ... that somehow there is certainly the possibility that some of my ... "kinks" to put it generally ... are "screwed with". The theme of that Anime is certainly the more abstract of fetishes. Things just going ... crazy. And I would like to mention that a) I've had such "things" while b) they aren't part of "the core things". I would describe them as somehow dream-ish weirdnesses of the mind that mingle with sexual "idea". And I think in part thats what makes up the constant sexual pressure I come to describe every now and then, except that it doesn't affect me in that way.

As "co-incident" has it, I've 'just' had a "thing" - which then led or leads me towards a conclusion. For some reason I felt something like a handle - like on a mug - as part of my body in the front of me. Not as a sexual organ but - making me feel weird. With some weird sexual tension or energy mixed into it.

I didn't know what to make of it.

As I've published the previous thing I've come to reflect some more about whats actually been happening - and regarding the "things that can't be destroyed" - there's another thing I have to mention for this to make sense. So, there's a shape - think of a diamond maybe (specifically: An 8 sided dice, two pyramids glued to each other at their foundation) - and ideally it would be 'that' surrounding "my heart". But then there are interferences and they make it somehow 'fold away' - so - the volume of the heart then is different. And so I noticed this weird "blot" - this spot in my heart that doesn't feel like it belongs there. And so I tried to push it out - and the way it is there in first place ... well, it looks a bit like a thorn, or a horn, curving up. Almost like its about to shape a handle. And it comes from somewhere. A body of some description. A figure like in the back of me thats sitting there and constantly trying to shove that thing into me - and to keep it there - the thorn would complete to a handle. So, the lower part is "the force" (the thrust/thorn) (not force as in the 9th Seal, but force as in 'forced') and the upper part is how it connects to his mind as per the control he enacts upon it. And as he's trying that, or doing that, so I suppose it mixes with me in a weird way. Like ... from a glitch.

Full disclosure - the closest thing to the "Time to Screw" Level of perverted feelings I've had was to shove ... food, like slices of sausage, up my anus. At that time I didn't have anything like a proper dildo and so I'd buy vegetables ... and this sausage thing came up after that. I couldn't do it though.

Why it happened - I can only guess. One suggests that I've been under surveillance and some laughs about what I did weirdly mixed with ... the reality of why I did it - and maybe people were having a sandwich at the time.

Another reason why I don't feel ready is because I think I first have to get smarter about deities in ... Enlightened Satanism.

I can't make any more of this right now. Other than that there is this 'constant' struggle that I have. The things that 'bumped' me out of sleep that I mentioned previously are somehow related to that I guess. Uh, weirdly enough - that just gets me to think of another thing thats related to this. So, I was about to fall asleep and all of a sudden I had this image of one of my neighbors popping into my room on my mind and I was torn out of it. I'm sure this couldn't have happened in reality but I was stuck there wondering if it just happened. I was shocked. I usually lock the door whenever I'm in here. At least before I go to bed. It used to be necessary because previous neighbors would like to party all the time and I wouldn't want any uninvited guests popping in. Which happened once - where I didn't lock it.
Anyway. It then made sense how this happened though. So - there's this smell - thats been bothering me. Something rotten. But I couldn't think of anything in my room that could possibly make that smell. Its in the kitchen. And this figure of my neighbor would work as a metaphor for that smell bumping in to my room.

But usually I would associate such weirdnesses of the mind to some type of high or being not totally awake. Its ... odd.

But else - there's all sort of weird shit knocking me out of my sleep. And I think it has to do with what I do to maintain composure versus what I can't do to do that ... all the time ... like when trying to actually rest/sleep. #ChronoBoost(onCC). "Long story". Not so long though. Once I was starting to get into Starcraft 2 I once woke up with this "idea" that soon fell apart ... it wasn't really an idea either ... it was however the impression of the Command Center (Terran Main Building) utilizing the Chrono Boost ability, which is an ability of the Nexus (Protoss Main Building).

And I realize that subconsciously ... now back to the topic ... my "inviting" that thorn into me has somehow become a habit. Like ... normality. Its like ... me adjusting to its presence where I can't believe in its absence, in a way. God - so it seems - would really have to do horrible stuff to that person to get me rid of that issue. Brutal. Brutally Horrible stuff.

Going deeper into psychology - or my psychology or whatever - the problem with it is the problem of behavior. Or then more existential questions about "what is self", or "what is Character". But at that point - the other problem is that this is so detached from the 'actual' matters that these questions are ... more like overthinking it. Or thinking too much into it. There's the inner alignment and there's behavior. But certainly the two mix in some way. ... As the subconscious and the conscious do.

Like ... I can internally cook and fume and ... "be" "a Lava Planet" essentially while to the outside not only maintaining a calm appearance but also genuinely 'being calm' - and that because thats just the way I am. In the sense that "trying to be calm" is one of my "main features". So, as a part of my reasoning, rationality, the idea or principle or ideal of 'being a good person'. So the reason why I type gl hf in the beginning and gg in the end (if I lost) of a Starcraft match. For instance.

"Why" I do it - thats though the question eventually. Or 'questioned'. Then suggesting that my inner atmosphere is the 'reality' of me thus arguing that my outside appearance is just an act. But what should I do? Act like a raging demon? OK, when I write I guess I frequently do - and that obviously because when I write my actions are much closer to my inner atmosphere. Because after all - what I write corresponds to my thoughts and they are driven by my inner atmosphere.

But so - as John - I can also 'claim' the title of "Son of Thunder" - where I know what it is that might have led to that nickname. That I am calm, but once something ... "triggers" me ... "I'm triggered".

But so ... there's "mental conditioning". Like ... man trains dogs ... for instance. "Skinners Box" is a related topic. Or more so - something "else" that pisses me off about Trump (type personalities). And that is connected to power. The power to do so. The power of 'demanding' people to be a certain way or else they have to suffer the consequences. So, the abuse of power on a psychological level. That when I so have my passion and want to do things and run into walls - there's this ... 'Temptation' ... this 'promise' that I might get what I want if I only "comply".

The question how 'someone else' could manipulate that in this sense of 'invading my psyche' - it might sound odd as a concept and so to get into that the question has to be reshaped. There to less think of 'some'one'' else, but how social circumstances, the meta-physical (hype->Astair) type stuff, can do that.

If I so try to do something that people simply 'resist' for some reason, like, preaching the Gospel, I get conditioned to stop it. So, if my way doesn't work - I have to change it. Simply put. And whether that is just internalized projection or some real meta-physical "physical" thing - well, is more or less irrelevant.

So - I would want to do something and feel resistance. Then at some point I would lean back to get some rest or get some time to reflect and ponder to 'think' about my problem (So, an 'I.T.' problem I have to solve to move on with my project) it is in this motion that I 'basically' give in to that resistance and then this resistance can kick in furthermore - like, ... what I 'feel' 'wants me to stop in general' ... and that then mingles into my "metaphysical awareness" and so I get to internalize it.

While this is merely an artificial example, the reality is similar. Once I lean back this 'feel' starts to somehow 'embrace' me, annoying me to the point that I want to 'unrelax' but once I'm simply exhausted ... I ... get mad! And thats one reason why I ultimately just 'stopped', because I can't deal with it! Seems like I'm being CCd. (Crowd Controlled). "Fungal Growth" (A Zerg (Infestor) ability). But since I've started over again so often I've come to realize that its better this way. And so I want to have the solution before I start working on a thing.


Episodes of Angriness

General StuffPosted by Nicole Tue, June 12, 2018 10:42:07
So, what if I get angry from time to time that in the sense of "Happy Gamers/Gaming" would make me a bad guy? Or "Unsportsmanlike"? The latter I can see why ... [I should be ashamed]. I put it in brackets because its the truly important part. As to my judgment. You could replace it with another statement. But - I'm getting ahead of myself.

I think thats one of the things ... . ... Uhm ... .

So, I'm watching the, or was, Co-Optional Podcast right now. The first after TBs ... decay. And there's this segment on a game called Moonlighter. Whatever the details, thats not all that important. What matters is that there's something about the games design which to my design ideals is ... bad. It comes across to me as pretentious. And so I inwardly reacted to this impression of pretentiousness - like "Oh [cynically], its so {something [what its pretentious about to my eye]}". And at that moment there's so this figure popping up in my head with some resemblance of "the Antichrist figure", ... in some ... weird way. Some "Oh yes?" in a way thats negative towards me, demanding an explanation from some stance of not wanting to acknowledge "it". So, pretentiously. To me however. All so in a somehow taunting way - at least its kindof provocative to me; And my immediate reaction was "Thats none of your business!".
So, thats going on in my head. And yea! Why is that Character there in my head now demanding me to explain my reaction? Its like, ... cheating me for my own intellectual property. What then happened is that this 'figure' turned into a figure as in a Real Time Strategy game patrolling back and forth across a choke. So, blocking the way like ... I'm so then not allowed to ... even watch footage of the game or ... anything. Or have an opinion. Where this figure was I guess a visualization of something ... whatever. So what I did was be like "OK" - and tried to conjure one rather juicy punch to knock that figure out of the way. And then the Character - so the Antichrist 'person' (not the thing in the visualization) - so, the face behind it - was like "what?" where the mood turned over into "how rude" or something. However the detail - my response went to be that if he's now being violent, I'm doing that too. Which is ... a clumsy way of putting it - but as the drama unfolds thats really the crux of the story.

He: "But I (he) am not being violent, you are".
I: ... "You ask for it"~ish

And next thing is that this figure appeared like Jesse Cox. Which to me meant: "Oh, no hiding behind friendly faces!". And then I decided to write about it.

Nothing left to add - "the End".
P.S.: This is not an assessment of the quality of that game in any regard. Its about general gameplay concepts and design aspects. And I have drastically different opinions in a wide variety of things which I think are ... "mine" ... in the sense that once I try to formulate them as 'critique' (why a game is good or bad for doing something in a certain way) is bad because 'art is free'. I so can't avoid comparing things to my ideas, which, I would reserve for my own stuff once I get around creating it. "Bitch!"

P.S.2: While I was writing this I had some time to reflect about the particular thing and I realized that maybe I was wrong or the bug is deep in some meta-level of detail; Which in the end is ... irrelevant and more aggravating to me even because ... "WhAAT?" - I'd come to do it how I'd do it and up until then ... "whatever".

A follow-up / Typically me

General StuffPosted by Nicole Tue, June 12, 2018 09:29:48
Typical. I had an appointment earlier this day. 9:00. So I was about to get ready - wanted to take a shower so I wanted to be up at 6 to then thereafter watch some YouTube or maybe play a match of Starcraft - but at just around 6 ... I got tired. Really tired. Just relaxing my eyes a little I got back up, capable of moving, at 8:20 something. Its 9:20 now, by the way. Not that it was 'that' important that I had to be up sooner. Its also all just fine. But right as I was out of that door and back on my way here - just had to get something sorted out and pick up a mirror - I was back at how "woke" I should be. Actually.

The thing is - things were just going fine for me to get to bed in time and up as well. But for some reason I kept getting knocked out of my sleep by some ... weird "nonsense" and thought that ... what time was it? Well, I wasn't up the whole night. Like, I was up at 3 or 4. Maybe 2. So - its like I can't be the way I ... "want to be" ... 'on purpose', whether I like it or not. Or want to or not.

On the other side have I been tired/sleep-deprived in a sense. I couldn't bring myself to write that bit which I had on mind to follow-up on the last one; And now I forgot what it was about. But once I get to sleep, I can't. Maybe ... I mean. Usually ... I would think that is because I have work to do. So I wrote another thing I maybe have to share. So, I'll get that one out after this one. Or, maybe I should do so now, so - this isn't a follow up to the previous one, but the one before that. The Trump thing. But since I don't really know what I wanted to write about anymore I think thats more or less irrelevant anyway.

What was it though? I think it was important. Almost the entire reason why I wrote that thing in first place. ... Hmm ... . Now I'm ready to publish this, which means that I won't publish the other thing before this one because now its kindof ... pointless.

... plus I feel like I'm not ready to share that. [shakes head].

My stance on the Muller Investigation and the Trump situation

General StuffPosted by Nicole Tue, June 12, 2018 03:23:25
Just so that we're on the same page on this. "Trump Sucks" is a thing that ... many people agree with. "Apparently". As I've heard ... in about 90% of my fellow Germans. Heads of state around the world don't seem to like him - yet there's a crowd of ... "nuggets" (sorry if that includes you) that just don't get it. Saying that Trump sucks because politicians of other countries don't like him is ... a way of putting it politically but on that we also get into weird situations. Whether they like him or not is in the end 'their' problem. What or why - may be legit; But what they do on their own terms is a totally different thing. Maybe its "trendy" to be Anti-Trump and so people just like Trump might jump on the wagon. So ... not an argument.

First of all my disdain for Trump was simply a matter of sympathy. And I would agree with anyone that this not a strong argument makes. Then I watch a lot of "Liberal Media" - and ... eventually I'm a victim of my echo-chamber or ... "Fake News". But lets start with that one. I don't like how Trump uses that term. How he labels all and everything 'Fake News' that he disagrees with. Or did so. We can derail that into a discussion of what is or isn't 'meant' there - but fact of the matter is that 'Fake News' as a term has a meaning. "A UFO crashed in my Garden but my Dog ate it". OK, thats closer to Satire - but thats a good point. Satire doesn't work without 'actual' news because it relies on 'factual' news so it can be identified as Satire. Else, if you take the actual news away and just look at Satire - without a way of really telling whether its Satire or not ... well, its essentially Fake News.

There is this Interview that was one of the earliest examples of "Trump in Action", where the reporter asked him a Question and he just wouldn't, finding excuses not to answer it and sitting down at his desk and looking at some paper waiting for the guy to leave. I bring this up because it are moments like this that show us Trump ... where he has a chance to be one way or another. Its not just some dude reporting on a thing that might as well be fake, who knows, its actual footage of him. Or is the conspiracy 'so huge' that we can't trust anything there is - period?

But he did pull out of the Paris Climate Accord, didn't he? He does do all in his might - it seems - to support those that don't care about our environment, giving the permission to pollute as they please and calls it "Economy".

Whatever comes from him does mostly fit into one single category of stuff: "Acting like a bully". And so we get to the Muller investigation. Is it a Witch Hunt? Well - if Trump did "collude" with the Russians - thats my problem with it - why is it such a big deal? I don't get the whole thing. So what? Trump met a Russian to get some e-mails; ... . He campaigned for President and wasn't too shy about suggesting that peace with Russia "might" be a good thing. "Wait what?" - isn't there peace already? Its just a weird issue.
But along the lines stories have surfaced that for instance link Trump to the Russian Mafia - and now Trumps response makes a lot more sense. Its just "Fake News" that he's about, it's a "Witch Hunt". And the more he says it, the more media will fetch up on it - and looking at it that way; Looking at it objectively and wondering about what it is - well - there's the superficial side, a.k.a. "Collusion with Russia" where we might say ... "Oh Trump, you dummie" ... - err. He could have campaigned on that matter. "Friends with Russia". Except maybe its less like that and more like ... "Friends with Mafia". So the entire stuff about how Trump might pardon himself ... makes a lot more sense to me.

In the pro vs contra Trump debate one side usually remained in the rights - all things considered - pretty much ... 99.999% of the time or so - and thats not the one of the Trump supporters. And meanwhile some crazy people run around and argue that Sanders wants to turn the USA into Venezuela. By how things go ... Americans eating Rats might actually not be too unrealistic, but ... it wouldn't be Sanders to do it! You got the right man for that job in charge already!
Not 'all' Americans of course. Just like not 'all' Venezuelans.

Its not like its ... . I mean - hey, ... "listen" ... I feel loosing brain cells just from thinking about that it might be necessary to mention it; But: "Most countries on this planet have "Socialistic" Health Care and we 'do NOT eat RATS!' - I repeat 'we do NOT eat RATS!'".

How can anyone watch this Junk?

As for the "conservative vs. progressive" issue - I only have a somehow related thing on my mind that I want to get rid of. We here in Germany don't have that kind of problem because we've been doing well over here and I think in most peoples minds there's very little we have to change over here. So there was 'Kohl' who did a good job, things were fine, all dandy, ... and so he stayed in charge for quite a long time. Then he retired and then things got crazy. "But this, but that" - I don't know the details but some people were unhappy. Until then 'Merkel' came in and people were again like "Yay!" - but then the whole Refugee thing happened. She thought to take a humanitarian stance on the thing, many people supported it but a vocally angry group didn't. They don't want to be called Nazis either, "but" they don't want to support her decision. And thats kindof the thing. For me at least. Merkel had this slogan: "Wir schaffen das!". Roughly translated: "We can do it!". But as it stands 'the spirit' just isn't there.

And then some people would derail it into an issue about radical Islam. That is very well a problem - I 100% agree - as, we have that Refugee crisis 'because' of Radical Islam. "Last time I checked" ISIS are radical Islamists; And I think thats what people were escaping from, or did I get that wrong?

"Shit is 'real' right now!" - people have 'real' problems. So, if there's another time 'to come' where we have to proof that we're good people; That day is already in the past! Second Hitler is now president of the USA as far as I'm concerned. But I'm glad that his success isn't quite as outstanding as that of the last one.
"But he ..." ... what? Doesn't use a Swastika as his banner and doesn't openly 'Sieg Heil'? So what? And apparently his strategy works nonetheless. Just ... not on as many as he would have needed!


Why offensive Media is 'not' bad

General StuffPosted by Nicole Mon, June 11, 2018 22:00:44
OKOK - You should be aware of the fact that I don't really "talk to Christians" in this - particularly. Christians, Atheists and others alike - to me they/you are all wrong in their/your own regard. But every now and then I have a point that just so happens to be a matter of my belief; And I'm a Christian; But so there are ways to take the book and say "Hold on!". So with this. Right from the get go a Christian might notice that the Bible reads: "Don't be offensive". Which however is a matter of language. I know that because the German wording is a bit different to how the modern understanding of "offensive" goes. "Auch sollt ihr nicht Anstoss erregen". Word by word: Auch=too/also. sollt=shalt. ihr=you. nicht=not. Anstoss=Kick-off (setting/pushing something into motion). Erregen=arousal. So, in this sense it, in modern context, reads: You shall not pretend to be offended at fucking everything! If you're offended over something that hasn't offended anyone for years, you're causing arousal. So, in German it so basically reads the exact opposite to what it reads in English; Although we can say or argue that the translation is correct!

Or so - its a different type of being 'offensive' thats portrayed here.

So, actually the title was gonna be something like: "Why homophobia is good". And yea - once more the Bible were on my side here; Well - because its homophobic in and of itself. But this wasn't going to be the title because homophobia isn't the only phobia that one had to mention. Transphobia belongs to it as well; And I as a trans person don't want to be offended by transphobic jokes. Except it gets 'beyond the point' of being fun. Which is arguably a subjective thing, but to me it often just comes down to the intention I think. You can laugh about a good joke; But once people make it their duty to literally laugh a person into the ground for something like that or similar - thats too much. It ain't even good so ... that how come its bad! I guess thats a pretty reasonable suggestion/line to draw!

But so all I wanted to get off here is a pretty simple statement: "It ain't normal!". Being transsexual isn't normal; Being gay isn't normal - although in some sense we have to say that it is "normal". It isn't 'normal' per se, but if I'm transsexual and ask: "Am I normal?" - what is one to say? "No, You're a freak!". And I say, ... well ... yes! Kindof! I in some way feel much more comfortable in this 'freak' definition than in this "public demand" of feeling normal as what I am. When I walk around outside I'm well aware of my true gender and I don't think that a real woman would have these thoughts; Except ... they would like wondering whether their outfit is alright, but ... I know there are certain things that give away my true gender. And I have to live with that. And yes - it is my 'true' gender; Whether you would like me to believe that my 'true' gender is the one I feel or not. I still have 'the thing' between my legs which in my book is a "dead giveaway". Uh, ... no pun intended. And no - it isn't dead. Yet. I won't get hormones until 1 year into Therapy. So, its ... 11 month until that might happen.

I don't feel 'normal' walking around "posing" as a woman, but I feel 'better'.

And creating this 'natural' idea of what 'normal' so happens to be where there is a 'norm' that can be defined is healthy. Although one could certainly be too extreme about that as well, I certainly feel better about my transition once I have to make my own decisions - in spite of regardless of what. With it being 'normalized' so much I feel less certain about myself; And mostly - well - how is it these days? Am I just looking for attention? Jumping on a bandwagon? Not that these thoughts matter to me - but they find their ways into my head and now I have to deal with people that might think of me that way. Hypothetically. And thats ... no good!

Feminists were ridiculed and yet they did their thing and people agree with their points and so is emancipation. But true emancipation will never be gained - until you find a way of making men pregnant and getting women to turn their eggs into sperms. Or have a clit-rection. Or whatever. And it ain't good to promote this '100% equality' thing anyway. All it is is 'more demand on the market'. I've heard certain history stuffs where ... yea, it was about China where emancipation - or was it russia? - was used as a gimmick to get women to join the work-force. Not that they 'mustn't' - and that not because its written here or there but just because ... we're human beings and have the ability to be so in decency towards one another. So ... fight if you must ... certainly ... and it wouldn't have been so successful if there wouldn't have been an actual 'demand' like that (feminism) - while on the other end there are men that do the female part, sotospeak. Not a big deal. But calling every notion of being in your 'actual' gender role sexist ... is that really what we or anyone wanted out of it? I guess not!

Peace and Out!

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