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Rogue What?

General StuffPosted by Nicole Wed, January 10, 2018 10:08:30
[Gender Issues, Science, Electronic Arts, Justice, Timeless Love]


No, this isn't anything Star Wars. I just had a dream ... where, ... I ... would spare you the details. Someone said something ... 'Rogue Something'. In that dream my Dad didn't care to know how long my legs were, being all "incomprehensibly stupid" about my sexuality, ... and in this vein I want to or have to continue to write a few more somethings about it.


In this dream my dad was that kind of someone that just ... can't listen. I said, as he was violently chasing after me with postures short to physically attacking me in his anger, that he should read about the subject, to learn what people have to say about it. But he just responded with less comprehension and more aggressive "woe you".

There is this ... "thing" that a few people have pointed out some while ago ... and I suppose that that was only a ... 'test' ... to see what resistance there is. Sortof. While the US Republicans "we don't believe in Climate Change" "act" is certainly on the same track. Saying, ... this ... "mysterious force" is kindof into establishing an 'anti science' common sense. So ... instead of ...



Lets dig this out completely different.


2 things: Electronic Arts and Neil deGrasse Tysons nightmare.

Those two things come together in this very topic here. NDGTs nightmare, as on Colberts Late show, (I'll call it his 'nightmare') is the idea that the expanding of the Universe will at one point have gotten to the point where the galaxies through which we know that the Universe is expanding won't be visible anymore. Because they're too far out.

This isn't NDGTs thing, its the Universes thing. Just a thing. And in this thing I see something of a correlation to our modern ineptitude to comprehend science. And this to some extent also involves the ego of the Antichrist. Because ... he's the man who thinks that he's the one who ... "sees things" ... err ... like, in a game ... a video game maybe ... where you have your units that uncover the map. So, by which measurement or standard do we determine the level of 'our' knowledge? A neutral answer would be: "a/the Library". But ... we so for instance have a disparity between eastern and western knowledge. Qi isn't a concept to the western mind. But it is to the practitioners of stuff such as Qi Gong or Taijiquan.
Anyhow.
Its an abstract. Whether there is some conspiracy or not ...
The point is that there was a time during which we so gathered knowledge and information. Or, people did. Scientists. Discovering the Planet, figuring things out here and there, one thing builds on another and to make a discovery today one will probably need to know a lot of things that in turn are yet high end discoveries in their own right.
So, when it gets to Climate Change we heavily rely on measurements done by people ... where to empirically prove that their conclusions are right we have to start by proving that their means of measurement are actually legit. So, we throw in a little bit of doubt and now have to re-roll everything, ... basically.

One issue with Electronic Arts is that its weird to see how the one "everyone" calls them the worse company on the planet while on the other side they seem to be getting the "the best company" trophy quite regularly.
But of course! If you're not that much into Video Games you don't care and if you're into sports you want those games that have the proper names and teams. Then we had it with them buying and dumping studios ... and while EA critically 'looses' to 'gamers' that are invested into gaming as a whole there are those poor nuggets that I wouldn't have called gamers ... a few years ago ... people that got sucked into gaming through games that are just ... well, ... ... hmmm. I mean, I just realized. During my youth I had this concept of gamers like me and gamers like ... X ... where the big difference was the 'real life' thing. THose were playing games but that more like casually, while people like me would read gaming magazines to be up to date and know all and everything thats going on. Turns out that today there is a gaming market for casuals ... and they seem to happily buy into EAs bullshit!

But thats just by the way. Something stuck on my mind ... a sidenote basically. The real issue here is perhaps just shoehorned into this, but ... I yesterday came to watch a movie called "Dead Space Aftermath". Its ... its actually been quite 'good' ... in the sense of it holding my interest and attention throughout its playtime. I have once played a Dead Space game, IDK which, and I didn't play it to the end; So I know very little about its plot. But the movie takes it to a point that to me at least would seem like 'Anti Unification/God' propaganda. You might get the idea. If you put it that way, and you then ask: "Is that what you want?" ... where otherwise you'd be stuck to our propaganda.
Well - that plus the whole 'Aliens aren't God' issue, though God technically is an Alien.

But whatever. I just get an eerie sense of 'smart' from this which doesn't line up with the stupidity of Trump and co.. While, Trump seems to be really liking it ... where since this book, Fire and Fury, got out ... and its all the hype ... I get a sense of them taking the whole 'Trump is stupid' shtick down the stupid road. Its old cheese, ... what mattered right now is to be not stupid ourselves and get this freak out of the white house ... for instance!


Yea, there was some weird alien artifact that could screw over everything on this planet in this dream ... I'm writing about here. So, does that count?


Anyhow ... what ... scientists say? About Transgender? Or as of my previous post: What does "how things have objectively been" mean? Sometimes there are complex issues that defy my linguistic capabilities ... so I "have to" word things a bit vaguely or put in a few extra sentences. This whole post are basically those few extra sentences. Except I could have gotten 'that' a bit shorter.
While I did what I could. Stating that about how I feel.

One thing I've heard from one Post-Op Transgender person I knew (Hi Cora!) is that she had this feeling since her childhood. I was reading of another Transgender person that wrote a blog about her journey that she too had this issue since her childhood. That is something I do relate to. That ... 'talks' to me. Continuing to say that I don't 'choose' to be Transgender ... I just 'am'. What I 'choose' is how I deal with it.

All the while I however feel something lurking ... there. Some idea of "thats not enough". Well, what is ever enough when someone with enough power just decides that nothing will be enough? Well, certainly not science!

See Trumps "grand speech" about hairspray. God fucking damn it!
So much dumbness should be punishable. Maybe even for real!


The Biblical God is very 'pro-science'. In a way thats basically ... 'pro rationality'. As the whole complaints he has about Israel go. The story with the Golden Calf for instance. So while Moses was on the mountain getting the 10 Commandments the people of Israel built themselves an idol - totally ignoring all the things that had led them away from Egypt thus far. That may not seem like science to modern standards, but it damn sure is a matter of 'looking' and 'learning'.

What else do we 'have'? Basically?

Its a weird issue - how this goes into the struggle for power, plays a role in manipulating the masses, etc..


If God only wanted us to believe and obey the world we'd live in would look a lot different. But whatever.


To me the issue that I have this Transgender struggle since my childhood 'is' enough. As I grew older it stuck to me more and more - as mentioned frequently ... it ... hmm. Or to put it this way: Its made its way into my perception, mood, self-awareness ... despite somehow trying to ignore it. So there was 'knowledge' in a sense ... knowing that I am in the wrong body. A situation that then should 'constitute' it as a 'fact' ... somehow. But how to get there? I can't shift it, change it, resolve it ... - ... it just is.

And well "sorry" @ unknown force that tries to bend it the other way ... the thing there is ... there is no 'male' self that could be catered to which would enjoy being male rather than female. Does that come across? I mean, I feel like I 'should' feel upset about being Transgender and should thus out of spite stick to my male. It doesn't make sense - ... ... hmm.

Something weird ...

But that sortof was the gist of my dads reaction in that dream. Like I should be some male person. Speaking to that side of me - and catching me 'off guard' in my ability to argue for my decision ... by ... finding those complaints I would be least prepared to respond to.

I mean, I have my own road to a solution. I have my struggles, my problems, my ... answers. From those I then move on - and then comes in someone with arguments that made literally no sense and have entirely no substance (What the hell is 'rogue bukkake'? I guess "something male with a bang" ... or something) - just to then get me thinking in terms of stuff I have no relation to whatsoever.

Once I would then take a moment to think about it - I wouldn't find answers and then might come to be skeptical again. Which is then where counter argument A, B and C make "sense" - although they otherwise genuinely wouldn't. They only do make sense as fodder to the doubts. Stuff like ... me and issues regarding my 'male side'. So, there is a male side ... and ... what about it?


Basically thats an issue I have resolved already. I thought.
But, however the case, ... my point on this matter right now for here is case-neutral: I have both ... male and female sexual fantasies and therefore pleasures. Sometimes I get off dreaming of being female, other times I get off dreaming of being male. So - obviously - my physical gender doesn't matter to the volumes and qualities of my fantasies. If I'm male and having female fantasies ... or if I'm female and having male fantasies ... next to the 'normal' stuff ... is as the other.

So ... obviously. Now, if my male fantasies occur within a setting that generally looks forward to a gender change ... might add something as a decisive spin to it. That I by my own consciousness can't relate to myself as a 'man' might also be something of a giveaway. That I so have Transgender "issues" since my childhood ... does ... would /// should ... ... makes sense.

Little story at the side here: I'm having trouble with the German justice department right now. So I was caught riding the train without ticket. 3 times again. With there being month if not more than a year between each time. Still ... 3 times is enough for the Deutsche Bahn to have issues ... and file a lawsuit. So - that is then being settled by determining a "Daily Rate" depending on ones income. They default to 30 euros, which is ... about 10 times above what I can effort. So I had to write and tell them that this is too much, send them some paper that shows them that I'm right and so the rate would get lowered. (The total sum is determined to be like ... 24 daily rates ... ish). So, I however got my mail out one day too late - and I was given a chance to repeal if I could proof that this delay wasn't my own fault. Well - I couldn't, or can't, ... but I had an idea. A pretty realistic chance at getting it through. Speaking of my health issues, the depression, ... the fact that my brain doesn't work well enough to even get into a therapy. That didn't work for them. But now I have the chance to complain - and that I will based on the argument that if I can't even take care of my own substance how can I take care of legal issues like that? (And hell, for myself: Its just 1 day ... and its not like I would make up my underweight just to get 1 extra day of time). Will it work? Well ... in my opinion it 'should'! 'Justicia is blind' ... which is not to say that she's (supposed to be) 'ignorant'. It isn't up to the judge to have an 'opinion' about what constitutes a disease and how ... for that reason we have specialists that need to determine what is and what isn't ... and judges have to stick to that!


What I want to say with that? Sometimes things just aren't the way that some people would like them to be - and they can pull in sense and reason (and hairspray) into their argument - wrong is still wrong! How to solve this debacle? I would generally 'hope' that there is enough reason in this world to make things go the right way. Others would make it (therefore) out to be a matter of power.

Kindof similar to the issues with EA. To the 'casual' market maybe one of the best games publishers ever ... but to everyone concerned of a healthy video games ecosystem ... cancer to the industry.

The 'majority' might not get this, but the majority has no clue nor rational investment into gaming. So - how to solve 'that' debacle?

It should by now - so the gamers would argue - be blatantly obvious judging based on Battlefront 2 and UFC 3. That they have now gone to basically 'take gaming as we know it' away from us by adding some "You have to pay more and more in order to play" ... not only the already steep entry price of 70 dollars. Why is this even still a price? Back in the days games did cost that much, ... but that was physical disc, manual and packaging included. So, is the digital infrastructure more expensive then? How?

We don't even know ... so ... screw it?


Oh ya, ... something slightly else: "Do I just pretend like I don't know?". Don't know what? Sometimes I'm getting this complaint from some dark corner of my mind - not as of my mind though. Its ... there ... and I guess it refers to certain issues that I might catch up on in order to defend that which I'm actually attacking. It are things supposedly on my mind that I "arguably" should treat as knowledge. Its ... however just information. Ideas. Thoughts. To become 'knowledge' they would have to make sense like knowledge.

And I would rather wait for them to bring those points up - because I can't be arsed to spend my time on that nonsense.


Yea, and yet another story: I was previously, in the previous version of my homepage (its basically still around, link missing), writing about my nasty neighbor. Some dude who's in the end proud that he doesn't do any cleaning here, ... who has this talent of turning the toilet into a mess just a day after I cleaned it ... as that one time. The owners came here - saw that it was my turn just previously, and of course I was asked to clean the whole place up again; Though it would have been his turn that week. Stuff like that. And just as I was about to clean, he cluttered the toilet. Shit like that. Stuff like ... that an entire roll of Toilet Paper here sometimes just lasts 1 day, ... for 5 people living here. Well ... somewhere the toilet paper that litters the toilet floor has to be coming from I guess.
How to deal with such people?
The time he moved in here the owners said something like: Its a bit dirty ... and he was all loud about "Thats going to change!". Yea right!
So, where's the evidence? Looking into our rooms, my room is obviously the dirtiest. I also smell, I'm being told and I would assume. SO - anecdotal evidence is against me.
But, to add insult on injury, he started to befriend one other neighbor based on ... making party. So, singing soccer anthems, eventually for hours ... and well, I ... overheard it. I dealt with it. I have no issues with people being loud per se. Eventually he began showing his karaoke skills - where, sometimes he sounds OK, other times sure not! Last Saturday I was already sick and it started again. It was silent for a short moment, but then he announced a live stream - where he would sing for his friends. I was hoping he was using my internet because I could just hit the W-LAN button and shut it down. It kindof seemed to work - and maybe it did and he just pretended like everything was fine - but ... eventually I just exploded. I got out there, yelled "Shut up!" and as he talked back nuttily at me I shouted at him that I didn't like his face anyway and that he should maybe start doing his cleaning, learning how to flush the toilet, looking that his shit is flushed away - and ... he seemed quite pissed. Telling me I should return to Japan for instance. And that I should take a shower. So, he didn't denie what I was accusing him of. So, point for me? Plus, chances are it got onto the live stream!


In that case I hit him where it hurts and honestly ... while I can feel bad for my explosion ... feeling bad for not having 'moderately' asked him to please be quiet ... I can't really feel bad for that! Except that maybe ... things have gotten a bit better? Sortof?

Well, so ... this is also bad for me - I think. But now its silent ... and I feel ... a lot better.

But yea, how else to deal with that kind of people? Those that know how to ... abuse social dynamics to their benefit. Stuff, from my perspective, like knowing who's probably going to get blamed for stuff and then just doubling down on that. Where you can't do anything. Who get people charmed to stay ignorantly on their side. Because party and good mood.


What this all means to me is that the Antichrist seems to know alot about Psychology, but he doesn't understand that all of that is barely even worth a damn. It works well within certain margins - while to God it would have to be more like: "He 'thinks' he knows a lot about it" - and that comes together based on things like 'astair' - which - is like what God is to those within Unification, ... so, ... not really 'natural'. Its like physics - and not truly human psychology. I would also regard that psychology as extremely superficial. Not to underestimate his analytical skills and survival instincts however.
Maybe I'm mistaken here - but it doesn't ultimately matter anyway.

There are matters of inclusion for instance. Social inclusion. So the whole SJW stuff is ... when ignoring the extremes that Anti SJWs point out ... pretty much 'normal'. And I guess thats the point. Of "both sides" ... in a way. But pushing it to the limits are there those that attract everyone ... and those that stand alone. Those that get pussy and those that ... "don't". While to a rational person the issue has to be: "How do I want to get pussy?" - ... rather than "I'll take it anyway" ... - thats already "so much" more thought put into it than I suppose a "normal person" would (come to).

Until its too late.


And thats of course what we would/should like to prevent. We don't want to be smarter in hindsight ... and while ... well. Is this a complicated issue? At the very least are there a few core issues that we can stick to - and should be generally fine by doing that. Like, ... Social Justice?

Sure!

But there's another thing thats at stakes here. And thats what its really about! Its related to Freedom of Speech - but more about correlating between public opinions. So, what Anti-SJWs point out is somehow like thrown under the bus, ... "nobody cares" ... and thats bad; And ... nobody would be surprised if that led to another catastrophe. Except those that never knew about it - or worked to keep it outside of peoples sights. The ones would be angry that they never knew and the rest would be genuinely surprised I guess. LOL! Except the catastrophe is what they wanted.


SO, back to the Transgender topic.

I suppose that for some of the believers it would work ... if we started to argue that I shouldn't question the biological gender God has given me ... that there has to be some male side or part somewhere within me that I could embrace, get along with, ... and done. So - my story is that such doesn't exist!

Simple!

On the other hand side 'do I have reason' to question the biological gender God has given me ... which is for once what I just mentioned and next to that ... well ... more of the same.


But so there is the notion of me having a male side of some sort - regarding which I notice that I'm too old. I can't ... waiting for it to become relevant ... isn't life! And it isn't meaningful! It can't be meaningful as it hurts!

I can't 'snap' my fingers and transform into a woman OK - but what I could do is to make a decision and to start adjusting to it; Which is to acknowledge the reality within me. Not just in words. So, the main issue between male and female right now to me is that of what I 'get along with'. I'm in transition now - saying - I have made some steps to get me "to the other side" ... and that has internally "become part of my identity" in that I now have a "sync" between what I 'am' (do/physically) and what I 'want' (inside, in words). "But I haven't experienced yet what I feel like when styled out as a man in a way that women love" ... ... OK! I ... didn't even think about this before. But what does it change? It only diminishes my arguments based on how I feel in a female outfit. It doesn't change the fact that I don't like my balls ... that the whole 'thing' feels wrong ... and stuff.

Bullshit arguments!

Like, how do I initially even get the idea of being Transgender?

How do I then continue to get the idea?

And yea, there are suggestions - but eventually all these 'Bullshit arguments' go to argue that a Transgender person has no clue about gender! "But you do!?"


So, what is Transsexuality? In the simplest and most neutral terms it is an observation wherein ones psychological nature exists in conflict with its physical/biological nature. Given the logic that the human being is a spiritual being put into a biological body this would resemble a condition of a given probability depending on how the distribution mechanisms work. If we can assume that we live in the latter days we can also assume that individuals may have grown to points of given certainties about their identities so that within a given spectrum we could assume an increase in Transgender people. The occurrence of Trans-sexuality as a disease adds to that. While the conservative bullshit would be like: "God would put such a person into its rightful body" the progressive bullshit would be like: "Why?". Wouldn't it make sense for God to put such a person into its opposite gender just to give the person this "edge of experience"? Some bad experiences to have that out of the way?

I was about to say: To give the person a chance to correct itself - but in that regard I suppose we wouldn't speak of Trans-sexuality as a disease. As there we wouldn't deal with an individual that 'can't' live in its biological sense. More so does the transition from one gender into the other, based on real-life actions, add to the persons own understanding of its own nature.

There's a German saying that goes: "Only the small-spirit keeps order, the genius has oversight of the chaos". Which is like the conservatism vs progressivism standpoint here. The one side goes to assume that ... things just are and shouldn't be changed ... where the other side goes to consider what benefits there are within the things that provoke those changes. As that is where the conservative mind ends. It doesn't 'acknowledge' those things. It doesn't even acknowledge what happened in and after the Garden of Eden; As their picture of heaven is generally like "Back to A". Thats like beating a game ... with a baseball bat.


As of experience I can relate to this conflict between psychology and biology. While I might try to explain this conflict in as much detail as possible - it does at first suffice to me to say that there is a conflict. Giving into the demands of my biological self goes against my spirit and giving into the demands of my spirit goes against my body. Its hard to rationalize. And at this point it should be clear why talking to a raging 'dad' who doesn't want to invest any time into actually getting informed ... won't really work out! There is no way to properly explain when things are gonna need some real ... depth of considerations.


So - it feels like my mind inherently assumes control upon a female body - but that, as my next (skip to) talking about was going to be, isn't an issue of gender roles or sexual roles. Its more ... about hormones it seems. Or, the psychological 'contact' with the 'yes I'm a female person' part of the whole system. Which I 'get' when referred to by female pronouns for instance. Or am recognized as a woman by the way I dress or the scent I use. It arguably changes the person I am without changing the person I am.

I came to realize that over Christmas and the days after. I've now come to make a change that has been overdue, ... but as of that am also really certain about it. I know I do it for myself - and all the "wrong reasons" to make that change haven't been a part of it. So, "wrong" ... maybe not 'per se' - but for arguments sakes. The whole 'superficial' line. I don't have to proof to anyone that I'm a woman - I just 'am'. Thats my "shtick" ... with it. So I just am the way I am - I don't really 'need' anyones acknowledgment and 'am' self-confident enough by consequence. Sortof.
I don't really know how to explain it - but instead of being troubled by thoughts of being in the wrong body I feel free to be myself ... and ... that doesn't come out in forms of exaggerated gender allures. But ... smaller ones ... I guess.

I would exclude burping and "trash talk" (as "Mens talk" ...) from what that is all about. Like how I talk/write about "getting pussy" - or that I use that phrase to begin with.

Maybe thats where the story with my neighbor comes in. I would generally express myself violently - like "one day he's gonna get it!" - ... or "eventually I'm gonna kick in his door and ..." ... but actually, being honest, I wouldn't. However ... that would be one way of venting some aggression - but objectively ... bad nonetheless.

Talk is talk, actions are actions.


And now I can get to the clarity/love topic I was having on mind. Sortof. As ... it has a thing of being some piece of the gender puzzle.
One side of me wants to write about this elsewhere, ... maybe more in context of all the previous stuff I've written about it. Another side of me is thinking that its OK that this blog is sortof unappealing and that its important to keep the main story the main thing. There is no official clarity stuff yet that can be considered scientifically accurate with stuff and stuff ... and yea; One of the thing that comes with this topic is that I need to consider myself as married, plus that my wife is probably Monica Bellucci. Although I've previously seen a woman on a Train that I ... don't know ... the nose was different I guess ... but else ... ... ... scent, style, ... ... ... well, she had this whole (late) Helen Magnus thing going, ... whatever. Black Fingernails ... so, ... relations to BDSM? It would ... make for a fit.


Anyhow. Within Clarity Love to me is generally simple. And I don't know what to make of it IRL anyway. But once the truths of clarity surface within a given IRL relationship thats ... something. And so that.

Which things ... I don't know. What are things?

So, lets just pretend its Monica Bellucci. Makes sense because Matrix. That means I just have the vague idea of someone who in first place 'matches' my 'main preferences'. So, older than me and brunette. "Stuff like that". While I then at times would think that Blonde is also interesting, thats not really "the it". So then I have this "thing" which is like a cloud of Crystals. They resonate with my acknowledgment ... like ... as I explained it to myself: Like we say "mmmm" when something tastes good. Its a way of "owning" our feelings. Or some might say that its the feeling itself that urges for an expression. Within Unification that must get upgraded because relationships will demand their meaning. So - if I love someone and get that feeling of love and attachment; It crystallizes and needs to be there ... practically forever. And so I get that when thinking of her, ... and it gives me a feeling of comfort ... next to other things. Its really simple, nothing too particularly special.
There isn't really gender involved either. For me to bring it up would be more in concerns of BDSM issues. So, while I would describe myself as a Pet/Sex-Slave, ... to her, ... there is 'that' Love. This 'Love' has the motion of bringing us together, being ... Loving ... to/of each other ... and that would be where I would get my comfort out of ... for the most part. Or ... its there at least.
Round about it I have to notice that this Love feels really ... 'perfect'. Like ... its a mutual commitment. There is a commitment from my side, which is expressed in that Love as it attracts and attaches me to her, while there so also would need to be a commitment from her side which is to make that worth the while. Further does this Love ultimately give me the feeling of 'fusion' ... like we're 'one' Unit. In sense of a partnership. It leaves me to conclude that these commitments are absolute, they have been "carved into stone" ... or something more timeless. So, for instance are there things I know of her from which I deduce her worth to me - things she could be, as of the things I know. To her it would be nothing, probably, or if it were not nothing - it were a way to show me where her priorities are. However. We ourselves couldn't really live up to expectations, as the little things the other one is into - are maybe not even noticeable to ourselves. But God can. So those little things that make me right for her will be part of me in the way they work for her - and the same in her for me.
I don't think that we always know what those things are. Its ... part of the feeling ... more so. Else it'd be weird. There is a "level" however of commitments made - it seems - like: I want this, I want that. Like, whats in the feeling. So, talking to each other about what it is ... that we want from each other.

However - that aside, ... thats one thing. Its generally different to the Sex-Slave side which is ... into different things, ... and that Love is then not so much in the center anymore. Its ... somewhere however.

So, to coin this into a proper-context gender statement the issue is like ... OK, this Love thing could be gender-neutral; Thus lets say its for me to be male. And more I could not say. It would depend on how the realization of that relationship would alter our lifetime. How much intimacy, privacy, whatever, ... is basically 'wired' into it. The rest were about whats left, ... and what had to be sacrificed for whatever reason.
But because one of the more pivotal aspects of it is my female self ... the whole "I got to stay male" thing doesn't work for me. It works for holding on to those juvenile thoughts that want to turn a generally passive experience into a more personally wanted one. Sotosay. Well, ... its the amount of male that fits into my female whole I guess.


And so is that. I'm filled with a feeling of Love ... gladness and ... don't know what to add.