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My Blog

Difficult Knockback

General StuffPosted by Nicole Tue, January 09, 2018 14:21:43
[being depressed and oddly enough ... somewhat optimistic]

Well, all the previous stuff about me getting better has kindof spun the other way by now. And that most probably because of the time I've spent in Ark. As I'm having the flu right now, ... the fever sortof makes it even more impactful. I feel like my life never consisted of anything else; And am now slowly waking up from a weird nightmare.

Perhaps that is mostly due to the negative implications I've had going in. Its hard to tell whether I'm having fun or not since once in the game, reality 'is' the game.

Reality however has lost its meaning to me. I every now and then keep watching the Matrix videos - and I got to wonder ... what and why. Thinking ... or feeling ... something like "|thats my life ... and as my life ... it doesn't seem to go anywhere|". Whatever is implied into that, all my life's work, ... just rendered meaningless on a probably too pessimistic angle of perception.

But the reality wherein I'm transsexual, where my gender matters to me - all that too. Its sortof gone. What I am now, in this sense, is still as objectively as its been just that without any reason to be part of the reality around me - there isn't any meaning to me at all. There is no reason forward into anything - while there so seem to be plenty of things left to do in Ark.

But on the other side, ... what time I previously used to spend on watching stuff on YouTube is now invested elsewhere.

And on yet another side I spent the entire morning, from like 4 am to now (1 pm) sitting around mostly doing nothing. Well, being sick. And now all I can think of is that I want a hamburger.

While actually I was having something of a topic on mind to write about. A topic that seems pointless to write about because ... its about clarity and love ... trying to explain how I feel about it, why, ... etc. - but I totally can't be arsed to be this optimistic about it right now!

LOL - this really sounds/looks like I'm an addict! Its almost identical to last year where we started to play 7 days to die. It may have been that game due to which I started taking my work-finding ambitions less seriously, ... but that is too superficial. The thing is that this game made me enjoy myself ... as to neglect other things; But there was a sense of ... well-being to being that negligent; And that well-being wasn't "sported" by the game.

How to ... its hard to recollect. So I was busy finding work, working on my paper-stuff to do so, ... and while being part of a group that met once a week, ... things were actually going fine. Except I was worried. Part of that worry was that I felt already stressed enough by being there once a week, ... plus I was really unhappy. Coming home didn't fill me with any pleasure and for the most part I hated everything about my life. Looking at the miserable state of myself and my living conditions I got even more depressed and sometimes couldn't help but to hate myself for eating. I was worried that I wanted a gender change and being somehow tied up into a fixed working condition would be pointless prior to all that stress being at least marginally out of the way. So, 7 Days to die was a 'welcome' escape. It was a way to help me forget all that - where thinking of it wouldn't make anything better anyhow - and once I stayed at home it was more due to being up too long the day prior (though, ... that would have been the least problem at all. Its more like having no energy to getting up ...), ... than to play it - yet eventually just staying at home ... made me feel better. And that somehow triggered the respective office people to become curious about my health situation ... and so thats been good, all in all.

The situation with Ark ... I can't really find any similarities outside of the most obvious/superficial ones. I'm having no real responsibilities ... am for the time being mostly stuck to waiting ... as, for now I only have 2 things to do, next to waiting for mid-January. That is to send out one thing per mail, and to call at the hospital for an interview. Again. Yet another one. So ... and anything else I can do in terms of gaining weight is probably just ... minor.

This hospital thing though ... why am I so late on it?
I'm not late per se, I think. I'm just moving at my own convenience. Give or take. The feeling is however the opposite to what its been last year. I mean ... the feeling of escape. Or what prospects I have on the horizon. ...