So, ... I've had my first Therapy session - and during that session I realized that what really "broke me" was to first seriously pronounce it. No matter how carefully. The way I felt thereafter ... that cracked me. Now the issue has been more serious - and the realization that I for as far as I have a sexual tendency wanted to be female bred the realization that I have no reason to resist it.
What resists of course are feelings of shame. What I previously thought about Transsexuality was for instance duct tape I would have to tuck my dick away with. So, 'appearance hacks' that felt rather ... undesirable. Thinking about what I'd wear if I wanted to swim - maybe. And it still happens ... but so, logically. I mean - I'm a 34 year old guy, used to dress like a guy - and so I have 'zero' style going into it. So, the first outfit that'd work for me would stick with me - and I wouldn't dare to go further. Just like before. Just another wall.
While writing this also rationalized that my own choice should here be in the foreground. I shouldn't wonder about what God would want, or right vs wrong. As it isn't a right vs wrong thing like that. Its my own right vs my own wrong. What are my obligations in being male? I can wonder and assume that there are reasons.
There are however people that say that Transgender"ism" is a mental illness and that gender alignment is more like throwing wood into the fire than it is like pouring water upon it. But so is cross-dressing, to my experience.
There are stunning examples. A girl that wants to be blind and blinds herself. A woman that lives as a cat. A man that lives as a 6 year old. All those three things are even things I have in myself - and that bothers me. But on the other end can I see how being "that naive" would be something ... I kindof want too.
Identifying as something in this sense is derived from ones own understanding as a function of determining what known thing it is one regards its own cognitive existence as. And it would make more sense to believe that my enemy would want me to be these things rather than the opposite thereof. And so there is a theory.
To get into it properly, as far as I can, I have to start with a recent experience. I haven't talked with my friend Martin in quite some while. So, he doesn't live close to me and we just occasionally hook up via PSN to play some games - while, when it gets to that we're somehow on different pages; Which is why we don't regularly play stuff together. Although I might think of picking up W.o.W. again.
The thing is that during that time I've felt a boost of positive energy. So, stuff went through my head. Best example: For quite some time I was thinking about changing my doctor. The one I'm with right now is ... its just bad. I am underweight, he sends me to a Neurologist. For some reason I almost ended in a Psychiatry because those people would flip my words that way. Eventually I come back with the advise to go to a clinic to first of all gain some weight and that doctor is like "doesn't exist". Uh. Well, no. First he said: "Sure", turned towards his computer, put his hands onto the keyboard and then goes like: "No, that ... doesn't exist". How is it that I am at a clinic, to speak about my case (anorexia) - and get sent away with the words: "But your weight is really dangerous. You should do something about it!". "Thanks Sherlock".
WHAAAT THE FAAAAKKK!
Seriously. Today I call another doctor - and she says that they are kindof full at the moment. Which already is strange. "But is it acute?" - "Yes!" - "What is it?" - "Underweight" - "no sorry!".
Something is going on!
Anyhow. I so have the intention to look for a new doctor, but during that time Martin and I were in a party - so, in direct contact, basically - I felt motivated. I browsed the web, got smart on judicial aid for people like me (unemployed) and a new doctor.
On the other side, thats why I shouldn't hook up with some other people. If there so is positive influence, there also is negative influence.
Dressing up female I also have that question whom I'm doing it for. It messes with my head. Well sure, I do it for myself - but for as long as not everyone I know knows that I now am that - so the feeling - there is this feeling that I'm just doing it for my enemy. But not really. It is an outer layer of the whole story.
And if I were to bend backward and decide to stay male, going back on it would be fake.
So, the idea is that 'they' do some weird mental gymnastics or high-performance/extreme sports by which they refer to me as a female and through how we all are semi-connected I then come to feel as in the wrong body. And they can, so once I respectively change, change again - keeping me in an infinite cycle of confusion.
Another notable ... Astair thing ... is that once I moved to a new place, first everything seemed fine. At some point I would however recognizee something - which right away spawns the 'realization' that 'now' they start with doing 'it'. So, focusing - thats how I think of it - a Bubble of "creative negativity" onto the place where I live - at which point I then start to feel incapable of doing any good work. Part of that are also confusions. Like ... once I work on something and lean back for too long - "the Antichrist comes in" as though I would be asking for his advise. So, in those moments where I would actually lean back to take a breath they basically fill me with confusion and tensions and what not - so that unless I do everything in one perfect run ... its over. Basically.
And I believe that I see the same thing manifesting in Street Fighter. Akuma ... as prime example. So, as the talk of LOTR vs the Silmarillion went - trying to 'darken' the cosmos of Street Fighter by ... having this ambition to 'break out' ... fighting some ... mystery ... as ... someone who gets taunted ... to so fall in rage.
It would make sense to just kill all of them - but I'm sure God has a plan ... doing whatever.
To start with this experimentally, sure, you need subjects you know are honest. But I so would suggest that if we talked with each other and I held a specific image of yourself to my mind - you would have to bend to address those issues; So - I'd be "shapeshifting" in a sense. And if I so thought of you that you're crazy you'd be pushed towards defending yourself which I then could take and argue that you are crazy.
The danger that I see herein is that I can't safely establish yet just how deep this goes. As, the more I wiggle back and forth on those matters, the deeper these things might run; As each time I get to accept one thing it becomes stronger within. ANd I don't know how deep that can go - but akin to phantom-pain it might even run as deep as to infuse me with "physical conditions". So, it puts the idea that there is a from-the-inside-out side to it into quarantine. Especially in a situation where I'm vastly just intellectually present.
Here now I can drop this: That there is something like 'mind-reading' we can do. I think. But it isn't perfect. Far from that. But have you ever 'felt' micro-aggressions? That spark of tension or anger ... or aggressiveness? You can therefrom deduce something about whats going on in that person - which doesn't make the thing right, or even the picture of that person where you'd suggest it being a real issue. I could artificially pump myself into aggression (which is one of the traits I'd generally ascribe to black people #BLMdoesntmatter), where the skill would be to obscure the influence of my awareness of what I'm doing. Which is why I think Antichristians are stupid. So, not stupid as in imbecile - although we can get to points where its that and worse - but yea, you get the idea. They so eventually believe in the shit they're spewing. In an extremely aggravating manner. I believe. Suppose.
The term Antichrist is in the dictionary, but 'Antichristian' doesn't exist. Strange that is!
So, at times I feel uncomfortable about watching certain things - and at times where I dare to peek behind the curtain I feel like my emotional response is being probed. The way I picture this going is basically by putting something of a "pressure bubble" around me - and in this they could also probe me for terms - so, ideas pressuring into my mind of which I would eventually catch a few and subsequently internalize them; Which comes with a perceivable something on the other end.
On another note have there been incidents like ... once a hand with a ring reached into my mind, urging me to kiss it. That however isn't the force as I know it. The Force as I know it comes with an intimate feeling - while these images come from the outside and have all that big shtick of trying to be imposing and impressive - strong - not the ordinary - but it blasts 'onto' your perception and doesn't come from within.
The more we are, the more difficult it will be for them to create such things. They may focus on single individuals - but the more we are the less that matters.
There so is reason to believe that I am somehow genius because I happen to be old and experienced. So, in the big picture. I found my way to God early on and have been walking on the righteous path since then and throughout that time Gods goodwill upon me aided me in making huge progress over and over. As a person. So, sure - is there so that. If we get scared enough to worry that all we are is just fake ... we must question what it means to be: A human entity. So clearly: If they mistake me for a guy and want to turn me into a woman while for the vastest part of myself I'm female - there is this 'the Last Unicorn' thing. So, the witch captures what she thinks is a Horse and puts a fake horn onto it because she can't see the real horn.
But that re-opens the question what I want. How real the troubles are that I perceive. So, how much of the "darkness that befalls me" is my own general dissatisfaction vs how much of it is artificially perpetuated.
Often enough my ballsacks feel like something strange. Something that shouldn't be there. And so the whole thing as it goes 'into' my "vagina". The only times where I have a positive relationship to my penis is when its erecting. There so is a huge amount of certainty I have that goes against my male nature. I there remember a moment in LA where ... well, I was walking around in the shelter doing stuff - Toilet, Baggage, ... and a very strong yet somehow elusive image of a female self ... was sortof taken from me ... like ... a mirror image. I looked at it and beheld it within me; Growing a synergy with it. And from there I can regard myself as female - and here ... we're entering a grey area.
There so is the term "Fake Tranny". My first response to that is 'yes' - is a thing. But ... in a weird way. For the largest part I'd say that it isn't a thing - because gender alignment is a bit ... 'too much too much' ... than simple pretending. But thinking in gradients there certainly is reason to move away from a black vs white point of view. Curiosity mirrors a lack of knowledge - and that is a state where the aforementioned "Pressure Bubble" could inject a Transgender identity into the individual - which then could be called 'fake' but isn't fake per se. The rest is human nature. Unicorn or not.
Thinking of myself as Pet I also have reasons to grow skeptical. If I so for a large part of my life was exposed to Antichristians that would seek to control me, its reasonable to suggest that in some parts of my mind I have 'things' that emerge from that. So, an attitude to be simple, self-sufficient and most importantly: "Selflessly open". Or, proud of my work - showing it around.
So, some type of Stockholm syndrome going on there.
I however also have reasons to think of myself as a Pet nonetheless. But being more curious about it there then are parts of lining that out which also draw a different picture; So, being mentally strange in my own regard.
However. Much of this cannot be resolved by text. It will take time for the respective individuals to adjust. And it will always be difficult, for everyone, to go against the own wrongs. The own personal negative. So, where we can idealize a state of purity in contrast to which we're always, at every point in our life, entangled with mistake. This isn't 100% straight - especially now since through Unification I believe there is something of a shield, or so probably through baptism already, there comes an influence which straightens us and in virtue of our individuality values who or what we are specifically. So, mistakes as part of the purity. But still is there the 'next Level' ... "of Stupid" sotosay.
I would take Cenk Uygur (interview with Sam Harris) as an example and get upset about his skewed ideas of Christianity - which to some reasonable extent is however potentially false judgment. Well, not on the facts part - facts are facts - yet so for the course of the discussion the two are having its not a defining matter. It wouldn't change how the two ... would argue. Not by much. Except ... if one or both were entirely different ... I thought ... but the thing is that they don't really try to sympathize but more so ... argue about a matter.
Anyway ... respectively ... am I at an ends here.