My Blog

My Blog

Bad Wrap

General StuffPosted by Nicole Wed, January 03, 2018 14:42:23






I've "heard" certain ... 'outcries' over me replacing my old homepage with what it is now and leaving no link to it. The "Avatar Colbert" (well, some of the voices in my head have faces) was asking, probably in regards to what this Blog is: "Whats the difference?". And I ... I just want to tell you that this sucks! Like - can't you talk to my face?

But then there is this and that ... and so the whole story of my life, summed up at this point, would be: Waiting, not knowing what to do and accidentally doing the things that need to be done because what do I know about what I 'can' do. And so ... I probably shouldn't be complaining.


Well - I've come to "replace" my "old homepage" with newer ones quite often so far. Generally my motivation for doing so is that I'm getting a perception of it, backed up by stuff, that shows me just how bad it is. Or, ... in which ways it is bad and thereupon try to improve ... where the quantity of "wrong ways" so far all adds up to experience. And so, why is it this simple in the end? Because there is 'one clear message' ... and that now there is in the center and no bullshit distraction into backside topics and issues and what not. If you bother to know anything ... well ... bad luck I guess!

Upon starting anew, ... there are however certain issues that ... look to me like bumping stones ... or something. They are things that I've written about that ... don't really ... feel right. I'm getting to wonder whether those are things that I should ... "remove" or write differently about. Yet I generally don't remember these things as I'm moving on and eventually forget about them until at some point I run into those issues again.


At first glance you could say that there shouldn't be a reason for me to change my mind about things I've written, but ... as it says: The devil is in the detail. Eventually I get to say stuff ... 'incompletely'. For instance is it so that certain topics have been addressed multiple times - each time from a different light in different circumstances ... to say that there are "items" to which I have multiple insights but in the time I write about one or a bunch of them - I then get carried away into another topic and thus miss out on all the other things. And sure, sometimes I just don't see the other side.
So, the center of interest here now is my Brother. He often, in these stories of mine, occurs as the/a bad guy. But once I so got to close a homepage wherein I've written of him that way ... I got to feel bad for the fact that there is another side to that story. Though I can't tell how seriously I can take it - ... there is the chance that he is a good guy after all. God seems to be pushing me towards this.

Well - to start with ... this whole "Good guy, bad guy" think wasn't really on my mind up until, ... I've been unified and gotten to wonder about a few things regarding my life.

Otherwise I just know my brother as the guy whom I started to remember as a sick boy. He had a heart condition as a baby and was in the hospital a lot. Strangely I do however still remember the day he was brought into the living room of our grandparents - I think where that one picture got made. So - eventually he was out of hospital, ... and from there on I had a new ... playmate. Though we've generally been into different things we also always had some ... common grounds. But while I had a hard time finding any friends ... he had a talent for making them, ... and ending up with what people would or even should consider bad influence.

We are 1 1/4 years apart ... by which I mean that I think that my role as 'big brother' ... isn't that much of a 'big' brother role.


There is a side of my life that ... well, it frightens me I suppose. I don't like to think about it nor look at it - and it mostly revolves around memories I don't know of whether or not they are real. Like ... my brother talking fiendishly to me, ... during our childhood. Things that didn't make sense to me - but from a more grown perspective I must assume that "they" (the Antichristians) were to know where I would be born, whom I would be born to and my Brother is one of them. One of the bigger ones. And sure, that baby from Family Guy ... or "the Boss Baby" ... are sincerely ... awkward figures to me.

So I don't know if I do remember that or if I'm just paranoid. Other memories would suggest that I was Hypnotized ... maybe even a couple of time. One short vision leaves me to suggest that one night while I was in the german armored forces I ... I don't know. Rape?

Other times I also understand that I'm paralyzed. I think there is a trick you could play on me ... asking me for the name of my Mother and me sincerely not remembering it. ... something along those lines.

I also seem to be incapable of making advances at a woman that wants me. If I remember it correctly ... that one girl was there and bored and lonely and practically even begging for it but I barely even perceived her. Its ... like I was in a different place entirely.

And well - it also seems like I can't write/publish anything that is free of any mistakes. I got to somehow screw myself over.


And so one day I wondered about the people I was surrounded by regularly, namely: My Brother and a bunch of his compadres, ... having maybe one friend at all in the whole world ... at all ... and I wondered how I could just assume that they are good people? I was asking for a dream to see those that are Antichristian; ... and I saw them and others ... even my dad and my gramps I guess ... oh, and "the X-Men" ... so, woops ... forgot the name. "Wolverine" and Storm.

The dream thereby certainly lined up with a bunch of impressions I've had ... and so I do kindof come to trust those senses more than others.


And what now? Now something happened that happens frequently and usually leads me to ... 'end' writing what I write ... and ... forget about it. Its possibly once I wrote something they can't handle ... but ... what happens per se is that my head is getting/feeling stressed out, so my impulse is to take a nap, ... and then I also get to think that whatever I had to say doesn't matter that much anyway. Because ... 'what does'? As mentioned previously, ... simple thus far works better for me.

And so the recent one. Strange thing: After discontinuing to write it, it seemed like I had published it. Its like people were talking about it - and that happened frequently. So I rather get to think that what I wrote could be taken by them, 1:1 - and so, in this case ... why should I want to finish writing this?


I don't know.


I neither want to be stressed by these issues to any capacity. Its irrelevant. Who is who and what? Give a shit! Who's in is in and who isn't isn't. DONE. There is no "Back Entrance" for 'just that' reason. Strongly I suppose that. And for just THAT reason there is no "trust me" until you trust me! ... give or take. You know what I want to say?

Me being troubled about showing off the Matrix thing comes down to one problem I have: What if I'm given a computer with 'bad' software that doesn't truly randomize? I don't know! But the way I "know people" I'd assume that not working is not working and done. No questions asked. Thats where I say: The more the merrier! And ... then you ... say? What? I just pretend?

What I want to say is that ... eventually you just can't express yourself other than by something "trust me" esque, like 'now'. But trust me with what? Or in what? For what? At this point it should just be a reminder that maybe I get treated 'more unfairly' than justified.


That maybe even goes unto 'why I can't have nice things'. Its ... whatever the heck is up with anything I do. If it turns out 'somehow' good ... 'at that moment' where something turns from this into that ... I feel like ... its destruction is inevitable. And mixed bag of feelings along with it. One part argues that maybe I didn't deserve it, ... that its God picking me as a favorite, not my work, not my effort, not my anything. Then there also happens to be envy somewhere in there. And the best 'point' to put that into perspective around is a 1st place thing. If I built something that deserves the 1st place, ... can I have it? Can I?


Same story when I'm interested in a woman. So, while I was working as an escort there was this woman who used to rent a room from time to time. Nothing special. One time our sights crossed - I looked into her eyes, she into mine - and something was magical. We got to talk ... more and more ... and things somehow went fine ... until things went from fine to ... awesome. Saying that the truly 'awesome' never came. Somewhere I felt it creeping up from behind ... and today I'm still worried if she's actually fine.

Or, ... some random thought comes to my head ... like: Maybe wonder a bit more about this Taylor Swift girl. What ... do I feel? Anyhow ... just a bit too much looking ... and the next thing ... well, to be honest, ... she seems to have made her enemies some time before that. But so yea, ... to "them" the answer is easy anyhow. "Its a war". But who is at war with whom and for what reason? Am I at war? If, then just because I'm being attacked, invaded, ... somehow wound up within it.

And thats my point there. I'm not feeling treated fairly, hence I'm suggesting something vile must be going on: Ergo, I 'must' be feeling like I'm attacked in some way. And as it so happens to be - I do have a few more specific ... suggestions/suspicions.


Well, thinking of the Base I'm building ... - sigh! What I feel like is totally different to what I can tell myself. What I can tell myself is that those ... 150 metal bars that went missing must be missing for some good reason. I probably made a mistake or something. Or I was a bit too douchy and needed a lesson. After all I didn't farm all the mats for the building so far. Neither was I the one who put in all the basement/floor tiles. And I don't know if I carried in more or less than what I used for the building on top; Which doesn't happen to just be some hollow brick. Its ... a ... "Gadget Base" I think? Well - its fancy, ... maybe not uberly pragmatic ... and I guess that everything was fine until I started smoking weed again. Since then everything is ... confused. Or confusing.
Previously I had a certain idea I was following. Not a clear structural plan but certainly some sense of where to go and how to go. And since I got stuck ... smoking weed, ... I haven't truly 'built' anything new ... only got to fill in some tiles here and there ... and still being uncertain of whether what I'm doing is right.

It all started to "fall apart" as I've built that upward roof - where I then noticed that it would go together like that. Then I tore down the roof I've built thus far to make it one taller. Then I noticed that I had messed up earlier by adding some structure that shouldn't be there because it looks like it should be part of the main 'hub' but is actually hard to reach. And ... the big trouble: I went up one floor, ... and there ... made a floor just 2 walls high. By the way I built the slope though, this made this new upper floor significantly smaller. The access ways on the lower one are slim, close to the edge and sideways. Along the longside. Now moving one up I chose the broad-side, and made it decently broad. Thus shifting the 'access' into the middle of that floor while making it significantly smaller. I know why I did it, ... what has to be on that floor and ... still its right. Its a flaw I didn't consider while building up. Then, flying around ... the problem is that there are way too many ... ways ... to "finish this thing up" ... in consideration for 'airway conveniences' ... and the thing with weed as I can tell just is that ... I get to delay my visions. I mean ... to move 'for the purpose' ... I did stick to what I had on mind previously, ... and so I also took that roof one down again. Not adding the roof yet. And now I got a solution for the upward slope thing ... which I had before. Same with that convoluted structure. I could have done it like this, ... but something just didn't check in.

So - this isn't all. That "stalls" my progress ... but there are other things influencing this. For instance was I ... enjoying myself while starting it all. I built around, "saw that it was fine" ... and more and more I got the sense of building something awesome. Until I got to that one floor. Lets call it "the upper hangar". This is where a lot of "better ideas" seem to collide - how this is better this way and that is better that way. In the end it may all be right ... but not all of those ways can work out. Thats why I had to also finally 'close' the "lower hangar" ... which else might have stayed open forever.

The point is that with this "middle floor" there's an apparment/guest-room area. And as a Gadget Base I also think it would need that. But also I feel like people have fled the boat. I feel now alone - and - would have to still farm so-much to finish it. And meanwhile iron is disappearing. Not only the iron I filled up to 100 twice now, ... the which should be 530 are just 350. And nobody bothers to throw anything in at the front.
Nobody cooks, ... at least Narcotics are being regularly made.

And if I'm not mistaken some stuff got taken from the Fabricator as well. And I can't help but associate it to some punishment for something ... I've done in the past. Like stealing, lying, ... not respecting my mothers work.

Tho whomever tries to teach me a lesson there: Its time for 'you' to learn one.


There is no lesson to be learned. None I hadn't learned already. This doesn't work. Such doesn't work! All it does is that it pisses me/one off! Its a test of patience. Testing my reaction. Its an act of trolling. And all I see is 'the Abyss'. The abyss of my life. The never-ending darkness. That someone may have thought of me and figured: Hey, lets fill up those shelves with resources. But ... yet, ... nobody cares; And now I stand there - having built this base - put my heart and effort into it - putting my effort into keeping it running - yet do feel rendered obsolete. This "yahoo" for "we're gonna have the best base ever" once again faded into depression ... and this depression is then reflected in the state of the base and I'm the one to yield the hate for it.

Same thing with our last base. First reaction "wow" ... and after everyone went their ways and didn't check back in with me for where to put what ... and folks went in and out and started to live their little lives ... they saw what others had and felt ashamed of what we had. I said: Well, its nice! We just been playing for not even a week yet! Give it time! But no - we had to move and "farm "des Zorns"" - and I said: WO ... aren't we in over our head there? But no - what should we do? So, a pretty large area has been fenced ... and woe me I wanted - after being asked - my part at least 'that' large. But its a nice place.

And then stuff goes missing. Like 180 metal.


Do we need it yet? No ... but maybe I didn't make clear that they are not meant to be used.

However. There's more. But long story short: I do want to believe that I have found friends there. And now something else happened in my mind that ... leans a bit further into that direction. With stuff.

This is what I've written before:
{


Superidentity



Much of this actually relates to more private issues, intimate concerns, ... like - stuff that in my case would imply a lot of stuff around porn and wishful thinking. It all does however 'cater towards' something less trivial; ... And actually quite meaningful. The truthfulness of this statement or claim might even be substantialized ... referring to the 'neutral quality' of the conclusions I'm getting to, ... or ... insights I'm getting.

I'm so 'discovering' something that is composed of entirely trivial stuff ... though the composition 'gains' relevance through the individual truth of any given person. Taking ... plants for instance. Gardening. Well, we are quite aware of the 'yields' of those trivia. We know the 'goodness' of what a deep knowledge of plantlife entails. At least ... theoretically. If you want to be a smartass ... you certainly cannot disagree here.
That may then very well be your point towards a counter-argument, ... saying that it 'isn't' by matter of fact 'trivial'. But who judges it? To me ... most of that stuff is yet pretty much 'trivial'. I don't know much about gardening, ... and still have plenty of stuff going on in my life and yet have a shitload of stuff I know of that I know substancially little about it.

Who judges 'what' is trivial?
Who judges what is 'relevant'?

We know about harvesting good crops now, ... do we still need gardeners?

"You are Obsolete!"



Now do I have a gender conflict going on within me. That to a pretty vast amount has been an issue leading up to the closure of the previous version of my homepage. Yet unresolved at that time, do I now sortof see ... the issues unfold into some sort of conclusion. Begin to see.

How porn factors into that, ... well, ... may be due to me being 'generally' a strongly ... 'sex focused' individual. I identify a lot through pornographic imagery. Thats where I see that part in me that ... "wants to live" or 'lives' ... 'finds itself'. This may be the point where the writing "Spiegelsäule" comes in - 'Mirrorcolumn' - which is about a column/pillar that showed people their insides - and what they saw scared them so they chose to put it elsewhere. And so it goes on until one man at some beach runs into it - and is just amazed.

How ... well. I was about to "say" that ... I was inspired to make a case of looking at all objects as 'mirrors' ... but only certain things are reflective for certain people. The idea that this mirror showed the people looking into it in weird shapes that weirded them out is indicative of the 'inherent abstraction' a 'stranger frame of reference' imposes on the own persona. If you are a cop and find yourself in a setting where you're a gangster, for instance, ... no 'bullshit' just truth ... you might be surprised. I ... we've seen it on TV ... lets say ... Lethal Weapon, ... the Murtaugh type of guy ... who couldn't be a Gangster ... would be different if he were one. Not different in an intrinsic sense, ... but different in which way his true being comes to act. So - one who is straight forward and justice loving within a good role, might end up being pessimistic and "self-righteous" within a bad one. Where ... still ... context matters.
So the guy in the end would look at an object and find itself ... also abstracted ... but in a familiar or ... harmonic context however.

So the Gardener and Cop issues are just that - maybe you're on this or on that side of the spectrum. Maybe they are too abstract to you.

Hereby, the first 'word' I learned of myself, the 'insight' ... 'the moment' ... that 'stuck' ... became "that thing" and connects all the things that were relevant to me - and are at the deepest of mine - ... is 'Whore'. This is also to add a totally different example to what 'Gardener' or 'Cop' might be. I mean, I think 'Whore' would be pretty ... far away ... in the sense of ... well ... what these neutral statements could imply. Like ... there might be an argument that might have people fight about certain definitions regarding guidelines and such - and 'Whore' would be generally dropped as something of a bad case example. Like ... asking "What about Nazis" when defending the freedom of speech principles.


(Maybe start some 'Social Justice TV' and see how that goes!)


Now, ... this Gender conflict is certainly substantiated by porn in that it sparks certain fantasies that cater to my male individual perspective, ... which ..., ... shouldn't be strange to a male teenager of any form. Sorry 'Girls' ... its Testosterone. That certainly makes sense. The 'male weirdnesses' ... thats where we get to psychology and the effects/influence of mind/identity. Say, ... the spirit is a wholesome unit. So, the mind is fully capable of all the things that a mind needs to do. It has everything - including imagination which is as reality in basically every way.
We live, in a lot of ways, based on words. Yet if we are to express ourselves we scoop from a grander depth, ... a void wherein strings of consciousness constitute a basically emotional 'solid' that carries our ideals. Therein we're factually 'fluid' and stretch out 'beyond'. In later stages of development, where ... 12 years 'in' isn't exactly 'early' ... though, ... well. Initially you'd see the concept ... but still a few things will have to evolve before you can actually see 'it' ... you'll see that this is because the situation is inverted. You are the 'fluid' (or "gas") that "bends itself around" certain concepts that make up the core(s) of what makes up these solids around which you so basically exist as 'inward' looking individual.

There are however ... well ... regions of our mind ... that aren't 'us' anymore. There comes a point where we 'end' ... and 'God' is everything. God naturally has a connection to everyone, while everyone else only has a relative connection to anything around it. The simplest of limits we have to see is our width. Our ... physical vessel as one confinement ... the horizon then technically as metaphor for the other limit ... that of 'cognitive circumference'. Inside we might however still feel eternal. That may be due to the higher chance of being potentially immortal ... like, ... if the spirit is a thing, ... it is in and of itself potentially capable of existing forever. Yet are there limitations. The most obvious ones ... suffice to lead to some ... trivially interesting questions. Like ... how does this potential fare in regards to the presence of limitations? So, talking of the 'finite' ... where a body is capable of a certain 'workload' based on whats generally called 'energy'. Our capacity to remember, learn, ... all that would in theory ... need to be unlimited. At the very least would eternal existence imply an eternal influx of data. Every day another day. And if we'd end up counting the days identical to those before - until the number just gets too large. So each day would become different, ... until the number is just too large for one day to manage.
So, how finite are we?
Anyhow. Its a good starting point to think of ones own existence as truly ... internally ... infinite. There is this dark void - I think I remember all too well. Just there ... floating through eternity ... being stuck, to some capacity, in a vessel made of flesh and bones. Ones own head is thereby like a lens, ... something we look and see through ... and over time I guess we experience varying degrees of 'unity' within it.
You might be capable of 'feeling' "this inversion point" ... the ... 'one solid' ... that basically exists at the foundation of your ... "finality" ... or limitedness. The "first glitch" we might say. The thing that initially, inherently expresses yourself as locked within a limited form. Guesswork.

I guess.

What I'm trying to work towards is about the 'logic' ... of it. This ... identity stuff. Like ... Porn. OK - my male side ... which is biologically enhanced ... now gets onto some fantasy ride of wishful thinking. Strange? Well - though 'all guys' "are the same" ... each person has an individual story. Nonetheless. So - one driving factor playing out in lots of different ways. And why does a guy love a woman? Lets just say there are 'at least' biological reasons that can be considered.

Drives towards doing these and those things ... thats something some would ascribe onto hormones. As a 'spiritual' guy they didn't mean a lot to me. On further reflection however - after I got "tuned" into the vibe of atheism/science (anti religious stupidity) - (make of it what you want) - but however.


To get to the point. What I find are two conflicting sides of it ... we can say: The male vs. the female side of a hentai flick. As by 'clarity' I'm a whore - thus female. Yet so are there those flicks, well, where its questionable who abuses whom. Well, a crazy fantasy. While at no point I want to claim that they are realistic to even just some extent - the issue stands clearly that I as a 'whore' would associate to that. Plus, I'm fairly into women. I wonder(ed) - whether that may be a biological issue - but I figure that my 'relative association' in terms of relationships is yet fixated onto women. But I associate to 'fixed' individuals as both ... anyhow. Depends on the setting. So, its gender fluid. But still ... fixed ... in that the relationships between individuals matter in some sense where gender has a role to it.
So in theory it is then still possible. That there are "those" who are ordinarily male that in certain conditions would be female.

Whatever this is - it is a perception at first. I described how I experience it. Or, ... something. Something that I in event know not more of than that it is 'there' ... somehow.

Then eventually it stopped making sense. Thinking in these ways. But the conflict is still there - as something inwardly is pulling me towards it. So I figured that as I dwell in these considerations, ... I experience myself in a way that is ... well, "switched into the situation" ... like a server node. So, saying 'my male self' is to say as much as that at that grade of immersion into that kind of stuff my mind is "considering/idealizing" itself as male.
Then, when I ponder about it from my female side - my 'higher consciousness' that is more into 'realistic thinking' comes in and gets confused. Or so when I think realistically my female side comes in and adds disassociation to the male perspective. In and of itself do both sides however relate and refer to the same "thing"(solid) - just looking at it from a different perspective. Here the male side is that part of me that is invested in my emotional bondings ... its ... that part that is interested into certain given relationships and tries to sustain them. "On Top" (on bottom, the deepest, the tallest, ...) those are still female ... in identity. So "my female side" - basically - with yet something of a male ... foundation.

That my 'love' relationships exist on a male basis while I'm practically female isn't 'odd' for a 'Whore'. That because a lot of my 'sex-live' is disassociated from my 'love interest' ... to some wide and substantial degree. ...

There however isn't really a choice like ... 'should I stay male?' ... to me. Not that I care. I mean ... I do not care. This choice is meaningless. Or ... makes something straight and easy unnecessarily complicated. I now however can look at it and I see that I have a choice between mental breakdown and emotional disaster on the one and being true to myself and learning of joy and happiness on the other side. It can't be the point of the one side to diminish the other? Well - they exist in harmony, idealistically, ... and so it stands there, in my case, to being finally a matter of time at least.
By now there are still means to elongate my male existence - to the better and to the worse. If I had the choice it were now, if I had the chance it would be later, ... while realistically its not really mine to say. I only decide how long I wait between each step I take.


... tbc ... afk ...




}
ANd this is part of a topic I generally refer to as 'Clarity' and there are some people that seem to ... react allergic to it.

"Because what it implies". Can someone please take a pick and a hammer and 'hammer' it into their heads to stop saying that?! How often do I need to stress that life is fluid? That truth within social context is relative to the circumstances different time and time again?

And for what it "implies" ... is that I 'am' the way I 'am'. For cryingoutloud! There is no 'becoming what I want to be' outside of what I am already. OK, this may be more complicated than the latter stance but ... geeeeeeee. How dense can people be? I know what I am and I know that I have parts of me that prevent me from being what I am for no reason I deem ... significant. Urgh ... how to ... explain? If you like red but your society deems red an evil color; ... would you just dance around town in red clothes? I bet not! Except you need it that much that you just would take the risk.
Or you have "bad company". So, encouragement that 'drops' the restraint levels. "Juvenile Chaos" maybe.

And what that implies that there are going to be people in Heaven that YOU are NOT going to be Judge of! If you try you'll find yourself judged!

Anyhow. Now with stuff:


Part of this Clarity stuff was a thing drawn out as a "Spiral". It starts in one small room, then comes a bigger one, and a bigger one ... like a snails house it so moves "outward" into something I called "the Mansion". Now ... what has changed the last day is that I got basically "moved out" of the first room ... and moved into the second. Which ... basically changed the idea of everything - to the extent that while I was in the 'first room' ...
The thing is this: What all 'general' impressions of life that I reflected on had in common was that they centered around what Truth this first little room implied. So also the second and third and all that up to the mansion. Now, being moved out there - by the "Monica Avatar" - isn't just a moving into what this second room was 'then'. Because that were yet to imply that I "live" ... "in there". Get the idea? Its a thing ... about the Light, how it establishes a meaning of the metaphysical, how we experience ourselves ... within society and stuff - and yea ...

Other times I had to continually find that no matter how 'absolutistic' we might (want to) draw certain conditions we want to have established for our lives ... there at the very least is that "last bit" that cannot be 'taken' ... (planned away). This would then matter in different ways, whatever, ... take pick, take hammer, and BAM!

Simple "handycraft" answer.

Or you need a jackhammer?

Anyhow, I'm still going to be a Sex-Slave. But ... first of all: While all 'that' goes to say 'that/how/why' I have always been 'sex focused' - and how that drags me into an idealistic "fantasy world" (proposedly inhabited by 'similar dreamers') - the main chunk of it goes beyond 'simple' 'logical compatibility'. Where some would rather have it this and others that way. Whatever. I'm alone ... so, whatever. (You don't give me any way to understand so, ... screw it!)


Well - the thing is that 2008 something may have happened - which started with my Brother repenting. Should I believe that? Well - thats however one thing. The only redeeming factor. Issue. Thing. Whatever. I have nothing on it but ... that if he would just play it, ... similar things should have happened. Not excluding some part whereby God helps him out ... for whatever reason.

For us all to have it our ways I guess.

Like how would "he" be my Brother to begin with?

Which can be asked from two sides. He as this evil person born into my Brother, ... or the Person born into my Brother as yet ... someone sortof "meant" to be my Brother. How do I relate to him?

Well, I do love him ... like a Brother. Not ... "as" a Brother. Where ... 'as' would be ... possibly sexual. But so as for me and who/what I am my "muscles" to be 'kind' or loving or stuff like that to anyone right away take me into sexual thoughts and thats just ... "flesh". The "meat" of my mind. Something I can change as little as the flesh around my bones.

But so there are situations where those thoughts aren't appropriate - and I see that - and - thus basically stick to myself, withdraw myself ... and do what I think is right ... without talking.


So, I don't know what being in this new room now means. Not at all! It generally seems to be the same, but instead of being 'like' in the first room ... the 'main thing' is something different. And there goes the "stuff" ... things I associate to a carefree childhood, where parents look after ones comfort and well-being.


...