Well, for sure he came from somewhere and went somewhere. Its a still picture in time - and I think its wrong to assume that what we are in this world is always a clear image of what we are inside. If you're a male artist of some sort, you won't always be a male artist ... per se. So the idea. Who we are and what we might be of course depends entirely on us, ... but so is each lifetime another chance to discover something new. Growth after all takes time. Consequences. So - if we narrow ourselves down to a small subset of things, there's the question for "what else?". So, what is a "painter" in a time where there is no paint? How or how was one a programmer way back when computers weren't a thing? Yea - 'somehow' - ... but not quite that! The latter part is for sure.
Also can you go and take me and put it into Tolkien ... but then you take the consequence as the origin. And I'm not sure if that Star Trek Knowledge applies there. In the "vast echo of the infinite" it might - but too is ever-evolving; So that always there is the 'here and now'. And the more concrete it is, the less it fluctuates in the vastness of the ahead of us.
So, to say that Tolkien was the same little slut that I am ... is probably right. However - I'm quite sure that a lot of the things that affect me are much older than I am. But - so the thing with Mary - I started up as a guy - and respectively do I still cherish male ... well, I did, ... affections for them; Which in turn make me more comfortable within the male position and thus tend to think to a greater degree in that way as where I would not. These are things I've recently come to 'unwind'. By now ... its hard to say, but, ... its difficult for me to really masturbate; I rather lube up my tip and rub that. Well, it started off as anticipation that that would sooner or later be the only thing left. And the 'stem' feeling would transit into a 'hole' feeling. Similar to the Anus with different degrees of 'fucked-ness'. And so also different setups of experience. There's a feeling that takes me in as defenseless and exposed to getting fucked in ways that exploit my vaginas exposure. Well - there is a certain weight of discomfort to it, which is there to make it feel like rape - while deep inside the slut that resonates within cannot denie it. In this sense a lot of rapey things, setup wise, can be done to me. But in that it is already a thing of the Slut. While in the idea 'all' is possible, the 'eternal goodness' demands itself for everyone attached to the True Vine - so that the Slut is finally the thing that matters. She in turn lives between her own Slutty fulfillments and the physical experience of the shackles of slavery. So, what prevents her from being the thing that takes over are the demands that produce other consequences. So, where the Ninefold Light takes over and provides us with strength we need in order to sustain a certain form fundamentally. So, a spine that prevents us from bouncing out of control; So, out of control within a controlled environment.
Which isn't all there is as the mind expands into a new Dimension. Regarding the inflexes and outflexes of our consciousness, there was the thing with the Belugia Natanais - where, right now I think of the 'furthest "way down"' its path of evolution is the 'now'. And we can envision future stages of Growth to awareness of a next higher degree of Dimensionality. A new 'way' of being - a new 'high up Gnosis' that includes the previous one as a given set of options. So, like 2D implies that there is a 'value' (the 1st Dimension) - it creates the vertex by simply ... what. Well - it now '"scales with"' the tool given. A value. A dimension of values. Each 'point' on that axis implies that there is a second value. A vector, mathematically speaking. So, now having the tools of planes, growing into a higher dimension adds value to plane into cube. So, on each [value] of D3, there's a D2, while each D2 is a D1. So, 3 values, where each implies its predecessor. So, what came prior to D1? D0? Or ... comes? Maybe just 1. Because no number is more wholistic - and more real. It is not a value per-se, for the scope of manipulation is not yet there. It just 'is' - and so has superiority to 0. And as we can see, 'zero' -must be- a false concept of ~the void~. //-a propos-
So - where were we?
The Question for whether I want to be this or that "can be asked, but doesn't have to be asked". Like, "lets say, there is a little slut - but she's actually quite creative. ...". "What if" ... she would be born male, in a time and culture wherein Sex and Gender ... had ... "unquestioned positions". So, the 'individual' - whatever that implies at the point of birth - grows up within a culture that is so and so while ~her~ body is "this and that". What becomes of an individual comes down to what it 'does' - but as there are many different types of Video-games where 'the thing to do' is different all throughout, we all live in our individual situations. So, our freedom is restricted. Yet what becomes of us comes down to what we do. What we do "spends time" - and our time that we live is our ... lifetime. Well, this goes to say that creative ambition breeds art - and the thing with Art is that it so happens to be exploited these days. A good idea means Capital - and throughout the times we always required resources in order to build stuff. Well, it was easy, "probably", going out, cutting wood together and build a fence. All the capital required would be - Energy. Sustenance. But how much would be left of that fence today? Well - so, higher civilizations came around when 'capitals' formed wherein the wealth of the regions ended up being carried together. So, the guy who makes bricks knows who and how - and given a facility he can then hire people to mass produce them. This exists in equilibrium with the available work force. Where social structures also emerge in that equilibrium, creating a System to get things going.
So, ... all this coming together happened differently here and there. And when there now is a System that has like 2 positions at the top of the 'brick creation hierarchy' - what is there in 'wanting' to be there? Well, at some point they will need successors, ... and ... those that would naturally follow -could- be those that worked there the longest or perform well enough. So, what we spend our time on - crafts our lifetime.
But what when you so arrive and the thing is full?
Punch a hole? Get someone kicked out?
Well, "the way" ... so might be another one. Its like a curve down a water-slide.
And now ... this life?
I've at some point begun to venture on my paths with backup. That would be this moment in the Philippines where I picked up that book that delivered me to a decision that I would make through which the Lord would impart His blessings on me. Whatever I 'could have done' ... so and so ... to me, would just have been time I might have better spent looking for the truth there where it isn't constantly denied. Well, all in all there was always that 'Challenge' - well. I lived my faith "a priora" - while my family pushed me to find a job, asking me to put it aside as a hobby. But the conflict therein so happened to be that it was the time I had taken 'for' it ("to be real"...) - that took me to those points where I had something significant to share that nobody wanted to really listen to. And so the question of where 'these things came from' - takes me to a funny moment in my old room back then. I had hung green cloth to the ceiling and at a moment where my room was in chaos, these cloth sheets looked like but-cheeks and the chaos in my room as though it was farted in through that. And in essence, it is quite right a divine statement that took further nuance later down the road during my times working in the red-light. I could have things my way. God would clap me on the back by blessing this attitude; And everyone would succumb to it. When things got down to those priorities - my priorities - I can have it my way and God will protect me.
Well, of course within our own code of reason and dignity. So, whatever I did, I also spent time with God. And I'm sure that it wasn't unnoticed! (LoL!). So have we been down our course - and the thing with me is that ... whatever illusory self-image I might have of myself, I basically enjoyed my time as a prostitute as I discovered those certain aspects of myself that have accompanied me throughout my life and there then came together around a -centrified- "reason of logic".
And in times like these where the gender question hasn't only been asked already - we have grown upon it. TO ask it over and over again is to ask for a greater understanding of gender itself, and those of us that believe that we are ~eternal souls~ believe that there is more to it than just biology. We would so grow to another Level by asking for how to deal with it.
But so - what is an 'illusory self-image'?
What is a 'self-image'?
What is ... 'being'?
What is 'essence'?
Is it safe to say that no matter how others perceive one - that one will always only perceive it its own way?
Well. Through QUantum Physics we have learned to think a bit more about certainties - like saying that to every rule there is an exception. That 'smudge' of unlikeliness. So what good is faith in God if that faith doesn't really gap that divide?
So to say that everyone has to see Him for themselves - ...//23.11.2018//...
Well. Is there a point to this other than going onto those huge tangents?
Well. However. There's now the point that I'm not as sure about Tolkien as to confidently influence his reputation; Yet for me - it works. I started up pretty much like I would ... I assume. Whenever I had a tool to do so - I used it for crafting works of fantasy. Early on I took huge inspirations from already established things like the Turtles and Batman - and I had weird, diffuse images that I now would say are from the Silmarillion. Well, the divine origin part. I'm not sure why they were there - but I remember that I was confused by it, also by there being a complexity I couldn't fathom - and so my "own" fantasies in that regard were decisively simple. Cereyllas origin there so is the "Big Bang", symbolized by the Templers "Rose" - which visualizes how the 4 Elements bash together and "spawned Creation" - from where on its the 4 Elements plus "Good and Evil" (Light and Dark, ... whatever). What I didn't have were connections - while being socially strongly dragged into the outskirts of society. I could have gained connections when properly going through school - but the path I was on in the Philippines was a College degree in Nursing and that bad taste of the idea that I might not be able to shake that off of me. That my hopes for going to a Movie School might get thwarted. Well, I drifted away from those things anyhow - and I think the fact that I basically had no real friends is part of the reason why I finally was alright with prostituting myself. There was just me and my ... curiosities ... and the desire for some ... change, ... downtime, ... whatever.
There my inner slut prevailed.
It was, as the idea was there, not even an issue.
Strange attraction ...
And on my way there I felt that my inner femme was ... it was as though she'd be becoming real. And thats how I regard it too - that this time helped me to understand myself in those ways as that I had a lot of time to think about them. ANd so is it practically that what this life of mine focusses on. As I have the chance to think about my Gender - there are going to be answers. And eventually they created that craving that wouldn't allow me to be male.
Whether its going to be how I envision it in my wildest dreams or not isn't the main issue there.