Bad Childhood experiences? Well, thats why I'm taking it here because that might take a little longer and seems, right now, to be a nice excourse - ... for now. The thing on weed is essentially closed - and I wonder what about it. But in the end its your thing to deal with - and I also want to squeeze out what there is to 'assist you' in this quest.
Well, my sadness in that situation primarily stems from how I experienced my father. By that time I had problems with my Homework. In grades 1 and 2 I ... well, I began doing them with my Grandmother and as I started to become more Independent I realized that I could also just not do them and nobody would realize it. Eventually teachers called home - and that was by fifth grade ... I guess. Well, thats where it started to be problematic because my german teacher was like that. Mr. Simm. I think. Anyhow. But there were also earlier escapades; Essentially we used to "hijack" (stealing is a bit of a bad word when regarding objects that were in our house and so, well, displacing them - eventually I also started to take money and buy stuff from it and yea - that is rightfully called stealing I guess. Our dad used to beat us with the leather belt when ... well, he thought we were really bad. And I know that at some point I started to hide under the bed because I knew I didn't do homework and was afraid that my dad would check for it. He and my teacher had an agreement that the teachers would sign my homework assignments in my book, and my parents would counter-sign it as seen. At some point I started to forge the signature of my dad - and still didn't do homework. Thus I was sent to a school psychiatrist who wanted to find out ... but I don't think got anywhere. All I recall is that I was sent away being told to do better. Eventually my dad took me from that school and put me into a school closer to his working space to have me under more control. In the beginning it worked a little but eventually I could just be out - and not care about it. Perhaps because I had decent grades anyway ... things started to be less of an issue. Or because he and the director where somehow friends? Well, they knew each other.
Some plot thickens - one I ... uh, well. If I think that my family is all a bunch of Antichristians I might also think that they are all involved in some dirty business. Or should - at least to properly reflect on my internal attitude about them. Or Opinion. So, yea, why not. My dad works at the Town Hall and in its ... "building department". So - taking care of construction issues so more on the architect side of things. "Construction Technician".
What I learned from him ... . I learned how to find the center of a sphere using lines and a circle ... err ... compass. I learned that the 'tangent' of a circle is the line that only touches it. So to understand the sentence: "That tangents me just peripherally". I learned that I had a "Lie Bag" inside of me that had to get operated out - and eventually I realized that there is no such thing. And just now it really gets me that this didn't really have a conclusion. Only that I was at a lot of different places I know nothing about. I remember waiting in a Lobby. In front of a Museum. ...
And all of a sudden life was just me and my toys. Then eventually the one and the other Philippin"ian" event - where I learned that my Mother only needs us to look good in front of others. Because all she cared about was that we looked nice - or as she'd think was nice. Or well mannered. And I realized that she only needed us for that, that she wanted us to behave but that I've never really learned it. So that we should be something we're not. That we're only supposed to look nice and smile - and yea, thats that.
Eventually I became tired of those events. I also didn't really know anyone there. There were always different faces, different people - some remained - but the eldest certainly didn't exist sooner rather than later anymore. Marijuana ... I at first tried after High School; And I didn't feel like saying no to it. Like ... as though I deep inside knew that it was good. I was a convinced non-smoker.
I however didn't really get high from it. But it made me curious and in the school after that summer holiday I met some people that made it happen. So, thats where I began to have 'exposure' to it and close enough to 'make it a habit' that I "might pay for". So the interest awakened and soon enough everything around me were just potheads and our ... tangentially periphering surroundings.
And that trend continued after I dropped out of that school and went to the Philippines.
In general I liked to think back and say that I had a nice childhood. I guess that one of the things that I learned throughout that time was that I had it well - "compared to now" - I think. I think. So - I however still understand it - that node of reason has barely changed at all. In all the time. I realized that we had a blessed, ... 'wealthy' ..., life - with lots of luxuries - that others don't have. I come to think about it when thinking about "the kids of today" and how they grow up in environments that are less and less likely to be as 'habitable'. Garden, vast plots of nature, ... storage halls in the house, a garden house, a garage in the storage hall - well, all sorts of toys, a terrace, ... . And my gramps was from Bohemia - which I learned to see through the eyes for nature. Not the biological, but just its beauty [Czech republic].
Now I realize that the way this realization came asks a question about how I got to where I was. Well - I was on my own, ... and eventually - after taking more care thinking about what I actually got - and what others have - and to think about what I wanted - I was grateful about what I had.
Well. To say that I felt alone? I think that ... I was also grateful for my own independence. For what God gave me. I think it came after I really 'felt' independent - or so, put on my own. So eventually I started smoking weed, God was barely an issue, ... and I was more concerned of what I could get. During that period I wanted a Tattoo of Dragon Scales on my right and a Tattoo of Tiger stripes on my left arm. But I also just assumed that I might effort it. And for a point - I couldn't before that time was over.
//tobacco contamination// ... the end?
But anyhow. What I wondered about - I think - is the thing that ... I came to appreciate what I have, after a time where all that didn't really 'do the trick' for me. I guess I basically felt as though God owed me more than what I had. But so I ventured life on my own - and after all it didn't turn out so bad.