I've lost a lot of faith. The whole fortune telling thing ... well. Its become a habit - as anything I do. It now just is a thing I do ... work on from time to time but I don't really ... "know why".
But well. There's a thing. Regarding this thing I ... how to say it? I laid cards using my Witch Poker deck and from initial to final situation, well, in-between there was this card. The Orc and his Wolf. Uh, no ... that was another thing. Anyhow. In one of the many there was this card and I was curious what it would be about.
There was a lot of stuff in there - but ... time ... just zooms by and I ... feel like I've lost my mind.
The thing with the Abyss I was writing about ... I can't do that. I ... the liberation ... its now ... stuck in there. Since Marie became a part of it - its all this one thing and I ... feel horrible. Maybe I took it too seriously that she'd be leaving me consciously - ... hmph. Anyhow ... it seemed to change ... but things didn't change. But apparently its all just a matter of time.
Well. I've been seeing a movie and I think it traumatized me. I don't really feel like writing a lot ... and maybe I should write in German. Hmmm.
I'm troubled about my Clarity and I feel like my interpretations of whats on the cards is a bit too one-sided yet. I need time. But time usually means that I'm sliding further down the slope - with things stuck in my mind that don't make sense. Maybe I'm just a medium and how I feel about things is like an amalgamation of how the world feels about these things. In the dark corners. And maybe I heal when they do.
I feel like smashing my head against the wall - I don't know what to do ... but, well. I mean, I have time now and I understand I should try to focus on my life, to go out more, to ... whatever. This just sounds awfully depressive but all in all my mood isn't all that negative. Its just the stress of the moment I assume.
Its weird. One part of me is over it, ... the other ... is growing sicker and sicker. Uhm, ... iller and iller. That sounds better I guess. More and more ill.
There are still dreams. Dreams I had ... and dreams I'm having. The dreams I'm having are getting weirder. I barely remember them but I barely have the time to think about them too. Time flies. ... Got to get used to it I guess.
I think what happened is that the bond that has kept my life together so far ... has ripped. Irony. Like Smith in the end of Revolutions. "This is it, this is the end!" ... but then ... it wasn't. And now just as a rubber band rips apart, "snap", ... I ... I can't evem describe it properly.
Do I love her? What is Love? I think I have suppressed all what I had believed in so that all what remains now is a damp echo of it all. But next to that there's what would be a vivid connection - and there at times I can't help but feel blind; Being like this while things are probably going just fine. There are those things that are supposed to be right - and if they are not its like ... all the time ... was pretty much just an illusion.
So at the center I still believe. Its all ... "the way it is" ... I suppose - but then considering how things are and how they went I see how things ... are supposedly going to happen and thats ... not ... "the way it is". Its the way it should have been - would nothing ... have happened to change that. I mean - I didn't expect anything; And so I am to just move on anyway. But ... my mind says ... "nay, thats not the way it is ..." - happening? Supposed to happen? Not whats going on? Anyhow ... "snap" ... and the way ahead and everything is just pointless.
The 'Dispair' Card ... it, ... for once is simply there as a Religious thing. Despair is good. But also ... some experience of this past time has flown into it. At the end of hope - with God - there will be a way. Thats the one thing. The other is that in hopelessness, at the bottom of ourselves, we see our real truth. Our substance. So, there is 'good' in it - that way.
Which however means that I can ... start a ... 'normal life' now. ... One ... without hope ... that is! Ha! L-O-L!