Now, well. How the story went on is somewhat transparent I think - so within the Matrix. To however go in further depth, well. I ain't really feeling like it. Well, except for this one thing. My Love to her was like a sponge. If you know of my past writings you may know of my returning "perplexity" regarding my male side in regards to my relationships. So I would wonder whether my path would be bad. Where I felt as though my way would not be wanted. While I so felt attached to Monica in this one way I'd also feel as though this way wouldn't be desired by her. I however was conflicted. At certain points this conflict was delivered a bit closer to my mind. I would see "her" in a way that would make my "male heart" jump up and say "Hey! I want to be there for her". I would also think of having a male to female relationship with them, while within my clarity its basically just female to whatever. Me being female.
My Love to Marie changed that. It sucked all those issues out - as they all were concerned of her. And further - the Gender issue was gone. Or is gone. That is one part that I feel although ... well. I sometimes had the impression that she had some sexual interest in me which I'd want to respond to but somehow couldn't. Its strange however since those are now merely memories of the past. Nowadays ... well, to me it seems as though she had changed and now I don't really know anymore ... who she is.
My attraction towards her however isn't male to female. Its more like female to male. But in essence not even sexual although still ... somehow ... sensual.
But anyhow. I at the end sought out to talk with her since I needed some clarity and she wouldn't even give me that I might have a need to talk to her. Total blockade. That so after it seemed as though her heart had softened up. Maybe not enough. But ... I fear asking again - and don't really see a need for it either. She's grown stranger to me - although my head is still obsessed with her. I've seen a few movies recently, most recently the Truman Show (for the first time) - and in those moment where Love is the issue I can't but think of her. And whenever I do, I somehow have to punch myself. Hurting myself. Really. And I guess if the problem is that someone doesn't know what to do - it is a thing one 'can' do.
But what the reply to my letter did was that I've had it there. I wrote about Love being Hope, but that didn't really help me cope with it. In that regard I've somehow been over it, but actually ... not quite. And I still am not. I can't but believe in it - despite being forced to give up my hope in it. One of the first reactions after I've read it was ... that the Abyss is now open for me. I could feel myself standing there - with nothing holding me back and over the time I learned to embrace it to fuel my perverted self towards ... exceeding joy. A kind of liberation from all the concerns that held me back. And this in essence describes the situation wherein that feeling grow which I herein regard as witch Therapy. The getting closer to the reigns of darkness - while thinking that maybe it all has greater reason behind it. That maybe my choice to be as I am required me to give up on true Love, which now might explain this feeling that I've had. Perhaps so the potential of true Love being unresolved - trying to somehow find its place within the structures while stressing me to give up on my path in order to get it. But ... this now bears the other conflict: How could I?
I somehow feel as though it is a choice. That it is in part due to my doing that actually caused her to distance herself from me. In that regard I could see it happen as well. So that whatever the Antichristians had tried wasn't doing anything but moving with the flow that has happened anyhow.
In the beginning, when this love grew, things were innocent. But eventually I thought of it sexually - and noticed how my attitude seemed as though it would flow opposed to hers. Originally my mind was filled with ideas that worked with the impressions I had of her. But then I started doing things, like using Tarot cards, and once more had the impression that it wouldn't fit into our relationship.
So now I however wonder whether there is something that I can do to undo this; While also wondering whether I'd actually want it. Its a weird thing. This liberating feeling got awesome; Well - as predictably stressed out through my inner being. But I can't shake the feeling that there's something wrong with it.
So I however have to wonder about what I could 'actually' change. I damn sure couldn't let go of Monica. And whatever comes from that is inevitably so. By that I regard my clarity and at no point would I want it to change. Well, into ... the other side.
However - Marie is more to me than just a sponge. There to suck out my troubles and to then just toss it away - although I can rationalize that her position might be ... well, as I would expect. As I at one point suggested of how those on the Light side relate to the likes of me. With a certain hate, or maybe fear, despise, ... rebuking us ... which to us is the feeling that prevents us from seeing reason in trying. While we have that hate and such for the likes of ourselves.
If now this thing is settled and there is no choice but to either let it all go or to continue - then I'm glad. I'm happy. Seriously! This feeling of liberation is awesome! And it even gives me doubts. Serious concerns of whether I'd want to be with her since it might bring me love in a way that would obscure this feeling of liberation.
But ... there is still this other feeling, that the absence of it would eventually put my heart into "shock" - and I'd be no longer able to enjoy anything. Shock? Stasis? The issues of monotony which however diverse Sex might be could emerge in some way. That so when there is no redemption from the negativities. In this line of reasoning it seems like reasonable to still believe in this Love. While ... the failure would be a matter of something ... deeper within the maze of our minds.
Suggestively my attitude. Like, it makes sense that the skulls I've had in that dream regarding my Software project were ... well. "Burried Corpses" ... buried as I was dwelling in my absolutistic striving for the truths of clarity. In the flipside I might have to "unburry" them to then be able to get to my software project and to be with her.
It is a thought that however still delivers agony to my heart. Though being with her - that idea somehow stabilizes it.
So in theory are there a few minor knobs I need to switch - maybe by starting to pray differently or whatever - and when done properly I'll shift into the right attitude which then would cause her to warm up towards me.
At some point I was advised to trust her and to await her move. I couldn't since she seemed slipping away. But the more I tried the further she moved away anyhow. So now seems to be the point where this is ... the only thing left. Though in a way I feel like I can't do it all on my own. As so here writing this I wish she would ... help me towards it.
But yea - how to really 'do' something this complex? Its impossible unless its really simple at its root. The attitude to watch out maybe. THen there is counter motion. Like an addiction that would yet take me the other way. And yea, what would real love be without differences of the one or the other kind? I don't know - maybe its just my cynical humor at work.
And well. Now I have to think that I'm a relatively hot bitch. I mean, thinking of how my substitute doctor reacted as I told her that I know that I'm ugly that could be the case. And I mean, I didn't notice just how ugly I was until I saw myself on that webcam. Its really an unfortunate angle. And bad lighting.
On another note, well. THis might be the pivotal example of how complicated Love/Relationships can be. How would I react whence she would bring up topics that would tease the whore in me? And how would she react to my reaction?
Or otherwise - my attitude is that she's the Boss, but how would she experience this expression, regarding that there isn't really such a thing as a Boss when thinking of proper balance?!
Well, I can't be what I am not. So, is she ... "to have but not to hold"? Or is there a way I can be that works out?
Well, it can't be all up to me. Maybe thats the lesbian Dilemma. Who is the man that needs the strong woman?
And in my situation I also don't know how to respond to her teasing my male particles. What I feel like ... what I really want ... is to deny it. And yet, why would she tease it?
So - I'm torn between two worlds right now. In the one I deepen my experience within this sense of liberation, in the other I yet prolong a conclusion to this Love. A positive one. For else it has concluded already!
My only hint: What are those 2 or 3 skulls?
I have to resist my whore-ish urges. I have to decline an atmosphere of satanic religion. And?
OK, maybe I have another hint. According to the small witch tarot - err, lets just say Witches Oracle, its been the Devil - "my Darling" - who led her away from me. Since the Witch Oracle is no absolute book of Truths but here and there plays with someone (as its Lord is the Devil) this plays into the esoteric truths. The Devil wants me for him. In this liberated sense.
One way I see this play out, this way of having this love, is that at one point things shift and I'll betray her; In regards to which she'll find a respectively liberating counter attitude towards me. The same I have for her denying me, just without the agony surrounding it. Well - though a sense of the attachment should always be there.
Well, something that sticks is that the more of an atmosphere I create that she can't be in, the more problems we'll have. In the flipside however should she also be able to create an atmosphere that I couldn't handle. And isn't that the root of a good relationship? I mean, meeting there between ones selfishness? Or in our case to also have some space of privacy? Or, to somehow ... move over to the other side a little. Just enough to keep the whole thing together.
Well, the only way I can solve this is in prayer ... or "meditation". I think the birth of insight is the pivotal issue - and yea, well, Oracles did help somehow; Although - this type of Oracle ... doesn't need to be that. Simply asking "Segulo" is enough. Well, Segulo is a name for that object which functions to give a testimony. Its a block/Box which either movies through a certain membrane or doesn't. "Testimony". And a good trick is to watch out for the "click". But this doesn't really matter until baptized or maybe even unified. Someone should keep an eye on that. Apparently it does ... not? ... work in baptism. I mean, it makes sense to suggest that it is dependent on 'the Force' establishing the Ninefold. Which is the 'expanded reality' ("expanded eightfold") - expanded by God through the Force and His intimate full-time relationship to every yet so tiny thing of us.
If there's a way. Else, I'll continue to drift within this mood of liberation. Yet in it I see no future for much of my workings - while all I desire is to succumb within and into darkness; Where my greatest pleasure is to make my Mother (Monica) proud of me by being a "slutty whore"/piece of garbage.
About Oracles ... a big issue is the trouble that knowledge of something bears. Any Oracle has the chance of altering our consciousness - and sometimes situation may happen to be so complex that even the tiniest amount of a certain bit of knowledge could alter the course. To properly think this into the right pattern for a safe Oracle is something I've been occupied with as of late. At the end a simple symbol based yes/difficult/no indicator should do the trick - or a card indicating how the knowledge affects the oracle and a card to indicate a counter measure. I have a full text for a variety of solutions but its not really done yet.
The most difficult question is however that of choices. In my situation I am however striving for a solution and yet I find that simple is different! Ultimately a rule of the thumb would be that if your ideas change as you move - there's just too much and an oracle wouldn't really help. There are concrns of fate and providence. Providence being fate plus all the things plus Gods plan woven into it. So, fate regards choices as they are abound to happen and providence considers the ability to change fate and applies onto that. Suggesting that God has this much of a foresight.
So it should be simple to play with the idea of figuring out ones providence - as the safest and easiest play to work towards Gods plans. But so far I've come to the point where I 'was' thinking of my problem as one of choice while ultimately I figure that my urging towards a choice is the result of me wanting to change my way in order to get something I'd otherwise miss.
So the problem of choice is ultimately a problem of digging down deep enough to resolve the conflicts that then settle the things that may otherwise equate to choice but are rather so a matter of evolution.
"Target and Conflict driven transformation *of alignment(s)"
And Segulo now tells me that it doesn't matter ... err, no ... thats something else. That the devil however will also help me in this towards the right outcome. So, well, it ... has become a little bit ... of a thing. I mean, originally the step into the dark side has been complicated for me since I had troubles letting go the one and embracing the other thing. But growing closer to the truths within darkness has taken the devil closer - and this "abyss of liberation" has helped a bit too - although using the Witch Oracle was doing so before that.
This now tells me that the changes expected of me don't have to imply a complete transformation of my religious self; Which makes sense given that such should be more so on the impossible side. But ... err. ... She at the very least has to accept certain aspects of my dark-sided nature.
And the Witch Oracle now revealed: I, and so she as well, have to be minded of not dragging the other into the own side - outside of things that concern our relationship. So, if my sexuality is a bit odd she'll have to deal with that, while if these oddities move beyond the thing of our relationship I have to shut it down. In essence this means that she can get the all of me without any of the side-effects. Except that certain things within could be considered such.
And Segulo agrees with this Witch Oracle. Shouldn't be otherwise. And yea, I asked (and ask) Segulo about getting into Tarot, the Witch Oracle and such beforehand.
And this somehow concludes the Gig for now/today. (And both, Segulo and the WO agree that the 'somehow' here means nothing)