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Why would I continue?

General StuffPosted by Nicole Sat, September 08, 2018 20:14:44
There's still something left. To just be concerned of my own self (health) now, there's a strong impression that something is wrong with me. When I look back and have to think that I went wrong again, I seriously have to question my sanity anew. Not that it matters all that much given that I have a solution; So, its probably just ... echoes from the movies I've been watching.

What? Well, 'Wasting Away' presents another one of those "Real World/Fantasy World" type of situations.

There are still emotions I'm riddled by, but I think the solution is rather close. I've observing this in a couple of situations and conditions; And these are independent from what I would consider Love. This 'warm burning' feeling - it would appear within circumstances (relationships of thought) that I didn't associate to it in any way. Its I guess a simple heartache over the own loneliness. But more importantly an emotion that 'cracks into' ... well, the heart attacking a certain weakness.

The impression that it is somehow telepathically generated is there since it wouldn't seem like there's another explanation. Its still hard to really put a finger onto it though. In essence it comes up crawling, suggesting that I've deserved some of it. I've just had it before and that really chewed on my strength. I was sitting there, watching stuff, ... and I'm not sure why its there, just that its associated to a person I think of. Well, respectively the one largest on my mind at the time.

Giving into it is like giving into a dream. Well, "I suggest" - since it's really been a long time ago since I really delved in it.
Nowadays its simply a good reminder to turn away and think again.


And it seems like there is no real difference between this and asking for Oracles. Except maybe that Oracles hold a more tangible possibility to live up to a greater expectation. As so, to unfold ones true potential. In the sense that just stumbling around ... isn't any better than stumbling around with a bit of a clue or hint of guidance.

But yet again I get reminded that I'm still anxious, or ... superstitious, regarding worries. After all, things were fine up until ... I started asking. Looking at cards, wondering what they might mean ... is it really an improvement? How could I do any better that way?

Whats up ahead? How would I know? I mean - not in terms of "whats gonna happen", but "what am I to do next?". How could the cards tell me? ... Humm. OK, I remember, ... that they did. Once. Nothing outside of the ordinary though. ...


Do your chores, be a good person, save the world ... the usual stuff.


So ... in essence I've grown beyond it in a way where I wonder how I can challenge the Oracle. To prove its worth to me, basically. Or, to find the reason myself. To find where, when and how ... its ... actually a practical upgrade.

Silly me. So, I've had it. Once. I may not have succeeded, but ... still it was a success in a way. I, to put it to myself clearly, wouldn't have believed that this state of comfort exists, given the situation I thought I was in. To get over it, despite being actually (and still) utterly incapable of the same. So, I should hold on to that.


So the whole aspect of the future - that is maybe a neat little trick. Otherwise, strength is strength; Whether the cards tell me I have it or not. But, objectively, ... its true that we have "objective minds". Words to the trick. Knowing strength may help me incorporate it into my mindset. Its like stumbling upon something good by accident - just a little bit better.

So, yea. So far I've figured that any 'future' aspect is rather ... useless. There isn't much in it. But ... there's still some surge that keeps me looking for something that I'm missing.

And sure - there's that. Choices. I think. So far I didn't get to a point where I'd have to make a choice. Like, this or that. So far - I'm myself and go/do as I would. Maybe it would have been good had I known beforehand what I'd be getting into. So, well. Let me take a trip back in time to see where the point was ... .


So, I was entering psychiatry and something told me that I'd find my Girlfriend there. Thats one of the things that then came back and helped nourish that hope that was building up slowly. From what I've learned and believe I shouldn't be minded of it. It should be as well would I discard this "prophecy" or not. But its fair to suggest that I simply didn't believe. Its my ... hypocrisy I think. I believe ... in a lot of ways. But when it comes to myself, I'm stuck believing that I'll never make it out of "this darkness". Which is a direct contradiction to what I'm supposed to believe about myself. But I just can't see the way. Thinking of Love its clearer that my first goal should be to 'grow' "my "community"". So that there's not only me. But yea, thats what I've been trying all the time - never to any ends of success.

So, I should have layed my cards back then. Concerning that issue. I mean - Segulo is alright, but ... maybe cards are better. So, what does Segulo say? Will I meet my girlfriend there? No! So. There's a problem though. I met 'her' at a different place, somehow. Different part of the place. Does it make the difference? "Apparently". So, me again - weak. I should say yes. And probably the next answer will be that I'll meet her around "here" (there). So, is that the case? Yes!

So, its at this point no different than having it from the cards. Except that the cards now might take me closer to the subject matter. Except that I met her ... and things went fine "up until". But why isn't God telling me to stop? As mentioned - I was heading a direction that was supposedly or practically bad before I did Oracles, ... and then it were Oracles that brought me to this point of peace. Respectively is it still more or less just a matter of time it seems.

But my problem is this: I'm afraid that God turns out ... wrong. Or, trolling me. I don't dare say 'yes' to anything good since I worry that its going to turn out differently - and to a certain extent thats like a mask. That of me doing these things. I have to keep the faith but am in certain regards unwilling to truly believe in it.

But so. Taking it this way ... I've been drawn to draw a few cards - or to shuffle. And what did pop out was the 9 of swords. Which, in this context has a more transparent meaning. It can't say 'no' at this point. So, its more of a sign by which I would know her. I mixed on wondering about ... what else I might need to know and four cards fell out. There's a fight, there's a "crossing" of sorts, there's the page of coins and the hermit. All things that by now are basically already history. So, I could tell that these are the challenges or events along the way.

But now I worry that I was wrong for not being well prepared enough, thus worrying that the 5 of coins is as a death sentence.

"Spiderbrain, Spiderbrain ..."


Or, its just another part of the road. But ... what do I do with it now?

I guess that's where we're back to ... the beginning. There's only one way I would have picked up Tarot Cards; And thats on base of Gods interactions with me. So, that happened when it happened. No sooner or later. The idea was always there, but ... as usual I have a tendency of standing on the wire. Err ... hose.

And when it gets to anything but just surfing through the day, also relatively clumsy.

So, I don't feel like I can get to any other point right now and here but to keep trying - to maybe find what I'm looking for.