[more details and Tarot]
I started to like her at some point. She ... well, is a quiet girl. Pretty much like me ... except, I'm not really like that anymore. I talk a lot and get to be ashamed of it. Its that kind of engagement. Yea, how would you know? Could it be 'that' bad? "What could possibly go wrong?".
Anyhow - after a while something changed. That was after some 'doubt delivering feelings' had settled in. Well, ... being depressive or tending towards depression or pessimism made me welcome thoughts of doubt since I could tell myself - what I would expect to happen. So, when I felt like she couldn't possibly like me or say yes - I took it as a token of some kind. However did I thereafter start to ... have different names in my heart. I thought "Miriam" or "Mareike". Miriam was my first girlfriend and some other girl I know goes by that name too. Mareike was my ... 'best friend' while I was in the red light and some other girl I know goes by that name too. All in all names charged with some ... well ... personal disdain next to some vague presence of "motion called Love". So, as I then was used to a certain emotional presence of her and engaged with it after that point, those names were there instead. After some struggles with my heart just recently I came to a point where her real name was there. But also something else. Trying to ... face ... the circumstance ... eventually the name 'Anna' came out instead. So, me in my heart calling out to her in some way and that other name came instead. Anna by the way is that ... "first girl". In many ways ... emotionally ... its identical. The circumstances now, superficially, anyway.
Another thing with Miriam and Mareike is that, well, I wasn't really in Love with Miriam and Mareike left me in the friend-zone. After I quit with Miriam she wanted to leave. The town, her parents, ... fortune hunting somewhere else. So I wonder whether she's alright. Mareike I frequently think of when I wonder what options I have in simplest terms. Possible friends. Just something ... social.
WHen I now think of 'her' - the thing is that ... her position of having said no - it seems to me like its more of a spontaneus thing and I sense Annas smell therein. And I don't know what to do.
I don't even know about myself either. Just previously I had to lay down because my heart couldn't take it. Now ... its as though nothing ever happened. I suppose its because I've somehow found an end and turned towards other things. So, right now, I'm fine. And actually I should keep it this way. Be glad about it. And as "predicted" - it all comes down to me coping with it.
And I've been here before. In Love, not wanting to let go, being incapable of thinking of something else, ... and thinking that its right that way. Its strange how the first sane thought I believed to have was the cautious declaration of "maybe I'm just immersing myself too deeply into something". Well, on the other side - that, is one of the things that got me hooked. Turmoils in my heart that urge me to write, despite my deepest disdain against it. I don't want to write. I've been down that road. I don't want to go there anymore. Ironically the end is the same anyway. Except that the answer is more concrete. Although it still doesn't tell me what I want to know. But I can't do anything now - "I won't let it happen" - and so, the laughing part is, basically a kind of relief. Being relieved from all the thoughts and confusions and uncertainties and ... all of it.
And I can't even really cry about it. Except ... when those conflicts drive me into myself and I start digging out for where the conflict is coming from. And I am within my feelings that drove me into action and am in that position where I could ask her "why". There is disappointment ... but, good call. It used to be so that when we saw each other emotions would build up. And over night they'd be just like ... gone. Blown away. And what remains are merely memories. Memories eventually buried underneath a stinkin heap of confusion sooner rather than later.
And while I'm fine now - there is this hole. Most likely the void that took the place of my certainty that this is the one for me. It gives me that feeling that things will never be the same again. "Flowers and Bees". And I can only choose to live with it - while in hindsight ... there is only so little that would actually connect us. It seems stupid. Stupidly small. How could I have come from there to then to here?
I refused to write about it earlier. I was filled with hope and didn't want to "spill the coffee". Remarkably I however also felt bad for thinking about writing it afterwards. "The glorious success". While I should actually spend time with her.
My thoughts of what I might tell her or talk with her about also changed over the time. Its like ... things went from 0 to 100 in just a moment. And it wasn't even that much driven by emotions. There's just something that feels like a bond and provoked these positive imaginations. And the emotions didn't change - except that the bond would eventually seem more real. Confusingly so. Eventually on one hand it felt like we've been together forever. Like we'd already be a couple; And on the other - she was just a girl in the same place. She's interesting, has interests that attract me, she's got that smile. But eventually it changed. I was confused. And things broke apart.
So I thought we had this secret thing going on. She knew me and I knew her. And now I don't know what to do with these things.
Maybe I shouldn't be so pessimistic about it, but this idea feels like torture.
I have to think of Samantha. When I met her and looked her in the eye there was this fire. She came closer and closer - and eventually I told her. She was nice, we made a date and she dropped it. And I was laying there feeling horrible. And I tried to conjure up that moment to understand. I thought I maybe should write about it, but as said, I ... didn't.
I try to spot the differences. Figure out what makes this different from that. The first and most obvious thing was that burning on eye contact. I've had it before and it never really worked out. The one I didn't even try. And yea, she was that kind of girl that went out into Disco and came back with a one night stand. Pretty hot. In my opinion. The looks. Not the behavior. Although ... well.
But I'm also confused about my sexuality now. The way I feel now I'm not sure anymore about all the things I believed in. Sure, things are still there and thinking of it is there a respective way I could love her. Or she me, rather so. But ... the thing is that I lost ... my interest. I don't really care about it anymore. Thats another thing that ... basically caught me off guard. All the time I was so into things that I never thought I could connect to someone any other way. And in that sense, Monica is like an invisible girlfriend that at the same time is like a bar. Its a certain quality I have and for anyone to be anywhere near serious she'd have to live up to that. Of course there's a tolerance. For, else it'd be Monica herself. No one could ever live up to it - and so Samantha. I felt pretty well where our limits would be. And for what we had together, it was well within them. And it was 'well' within them.
Although I always felt that I wanted more than what we had. I tried to put a finger on it, wrote a lot - and sometimes I felt like she actually read what I wrote; And other times I felt like she just nodded regardless.
It wasn't intimate. I didn't find that in her but I wanted it. I guess that why she wasn't a reason for me to not leave that place.
I really didn't know her all that much either. We talked a bit, she seemed to enjoy herself - and everything was basically driven by interests or desires of some kind. Well, not ... talked about. So I eventually felt like she'd just use me to get more privileges at our place. Yet, after I left the place she basically deleted her presence. Was she afraid of me? Or was nothing holding her in the business?
Hmm. Irony! I get a lot of that right now. I remember. I was in High School and we were in the Philippines for a half year and there I had a crush. Well, silly me! I just didn't know what to do and it may have been mostly some subconscious peer pressure that made me write her. We became pen pals. I wrote her one letter, she wrote me one - and that was it. After she gave me her address I didn't know what to do. So, there was that school dance and guys were expected to pick up a lady - and I didn't know what to do. At some point she popped up in my sight and yelled "Ikaw" to me. Which means "you" in ... err. Some philippino dialect. She didn't seem pleased. Not hard to understand where that came from. Now I feel the same way!
While even more ironically, I found myself on the receiving end of it at first. I started to notice her - and at one moment our sights crossed again and she had this strange look on her face. Either like "whats up with you?" - or maybe "when you gonna make a move?". And I could only look down to signal a state of contemplation.
She gave me that feeling of ... investment. She knew things I had said at some point; And when I chose to introduce myself by my currently 'actual' name instead of 'Nicole' she looked at me like "what?". ... Where did these things go?
Maybe she said no and the feeling I got wasn't the way she intended to come across. "Anna".
But I still don't get it.
I'm sick, I'm tired and I'm weak.
So, its definitely her turn now. And thats something I can roll with, ... but ... I don't want to believe it. Else, I feel like I'd give her the feeling that everything is alright while things are most definitely not alright - and that I'd make a move while I most certainly don't want to continue being this stupid.
But here I am - in the same mood as before. Positively optimistic; Believing - and I can't find my way out of it. And so I have to struggle with myself all over again, and since I can't "debunk" it - I feel lost.
She didn't live up to the bar, she blew it away!
And ya. While I'm a whore - "or was one" - I'm technically still a virgin. Its part of my fucked up life and reality. I never knew how to make contact, ... but I eventually learned to just roll with things. Perhaps that was my time in NYC and LA. I learned that there were good people - and that not all of them can be trusted. I learned to keep my distance while still engaging with them. I learned of mutual understanding and simple ... life. Living with or next to each other based on merely circumstance. I was stranded there (in LA) with nothing and came back with two bags full of stuff.
I've a childhood dream that came to make sense now. That dream with the roller-coaster through the void. I remember now - that at some point there was another roller-coaster that at some point went parallel to my track - and I hopped over and everything was fine!
How am I gonna deal with that?
The Matrix tells me that I have to believe. Or ... better believe.
But its weird. This picture kindof collides with another thing. "Anna". It started to happen ... I guess I wrote of it. That it seemed like she would be interested again. I had dreams, ... trying to be all like "hey!" and ... near and close. And now, yea - well - thats what she is. And unsurprisingly the way how is bad!
And now its "obvious". When I doubt, it feels bad. And ... didn't I have a strange calirvoyance about that back then? Where I first wrote of something that felt bad when I doubted? It was as though something tried to tell me that I'd have to keep that in mind so I won't mess it up when it would come to matter.
I can't make sense of anything I do without her anymore. Its not that I could not bear it - it just, ... started to make sense thinking of it and now ... I'm facing the void anyhow. Its just so that ... anyway ... being alone isn't good! That simple. And for the first time I felt like I wouldn't have to go through this alone anymore.
So, you, dear reader, with all your movie education, must at this point only be able to come to one conclusion. Lets hope its the right one!
"Girls are like Busses. One shows up every 15 minutes. You just don't have to be disappointed by it!". Movie advise. Well. It fits the tone. A ... sneaky feeling that seems to appropriately comment on whats really wrong with me. I carry it around with me and at every occasion I get to recall it. But so I also "learned" to protect myself from it. Simply put - I just don't have the time to be bothered. And as a kid I used to believe that the right one would one day just cross my way and things would be fine! For some time I wondered whether thats actually still possible. I wouldn't give much of someone I might meet in a Disco or something; But on the other side - you never know! "Last Resort".
I can at the very least tell myself that I never got distracted too far from that way. Well, although the exact opposite would be true to the cautious observer. Well, as far as I knew I always did the right thing. And for as much as I could tell - I've come the right way!
And - now what? Is this just another phase of my mental illness? Or just something old coming back up? The exact same patterns, over and over again, spread there before me. And I could be sure that things are similar for her.
The Tarot changed nothing. I could take that one card for something I should have done - but I didn't while I tried; And I would have tried anyway. From the time I thought she'd be slipping away I was eager to ... be more "aggressive". I can't live with the idea of letting things slip away. In a way all this sounds far from easy - but on the other side ... there's only one thing. But ... if its just me, ... its just me!
But certainly is there the question for 'why'. I mean, Tarot. There's the desire to have certainty of something buried deep within ones mind. Perhaps a way to dig things out - having them manifested in the cards - to then see how reality goes in different paths. Anyway - a Tarot doesn't create a decision since its the one interpreting the card that thereby does so. The last bit of doubt: It still influences someones actions in a maybe bad way. "That sodding friday". I mean, I saw that she arrived and I figured this might be the time I could at the very least give her my number. I had a message and thought it might be a good idea. So, she could call me if she felt like it. She said "Good Morning" and 'snook away'.
She didn't come with a bike that day and afterwards hurried away. She's ... apparently been really looking forward to meeting that guy.
I did a Tarot for yesterday. And it just re-assured me to play Street Fighter and later to make some music. Something about "being an underdog" and stuff. Though there's nothing else I could have done, it ... did work out just fine. I mean, I'm at 20XX points (Silver League) and playing casual where I get a lot of 3000 players and get my ass wooped regularly. Sometimes even by the 1000-1500 range.
But ... sure! "Whats the point?".
In a way I can't shake the impression that everything was fine - until I had the cards to show me. Then I had it there and I lost it in reality. Well, though at first I tried using poker cards. They seem a lot more capable in terms of right and wrong. Heart is good, the black upside down heart is bad. Cross is divine and diamond is everything else/in-between. The rest is just numbers and faces. With enough cards there could be a sense - while that many tarots ... wouldn't make any!
And why would it work? I asked God - and I asked the Tarot. Hmm. OK, I tried the latter on some other thing on my smart phone. "Do you work?" - result: "Snake". Description: Stuff about deception, even calculated - ... hmm.
I could see how "it" could have thought that I'm asking about 'her'. I mean, I wasn't online at that time, but ... well. It doesn't make sense and anyway ... . So, now while shuffling my Tarots the 10 swords fell out. And although I was advised to not go by the description and to rather just use it to get a general idea of how deep the implied meanings go - I read it to do just that. Intuitively I'd say: The Tarot feels attacked. Like, maybe with some sense of humor trying to point out the irony ... of the answer to that question. Meanings: Spiritual stress, often exaggerated. Resistence to change. Warning/Advise: A situation of crisis escapes another. What to do: An extreme situation is already changing.
Can I make sense of it? Well, so. Reading the description - things get a bit clearer. So, the fingers of him make the gesture of the Hierophant - so, one of blessing. But more significantly does the figure look towards the morning light. Or is it the evening?
So we can look at it both ways. Its the death of the old and a look to the new, or simply a card of defeat. Well, in both cases we have change. And because the figure is dead, we could think of 'resistence' to the same. Maybe this now tells us that Tarot don't work in any way of change. Being themselves resistant to it. So that maybe they would rather mirror your hopes than reflecting on future events - but - it does, ... reflect on them. As so the oracle for the day. Its like so that it 'stitches' a situation to the ground that one would be in some way bound to. And like so we could think that we learn more of the divine through them. So, in seeing our ... powerlessness in face of the predetermined. Which is the other way of saying that we can't bring about change - as from having hopes in the same by knowing the future.
So, its ... working! The situation we draw out in doubts, considering what we know, tells the same thing. We're bound to our present.
But thats not the topic here. The topic is Love. And so, if things were bad for me - well. How should I take the 9 cups? To look deeper or as "it is called": "Card of Wishes"? At this point, ... it still gets to mean the same!
Except whence she has nothing to do with it.
And so is the problem that I thought of it, maybe did it, but can't really remember the results. Thinking of our "relationship". But I would think that this is the kind of trap there is. While ordinarily we'd ask "the stars" to make sure that we don't embarrass ourselves in consequence to our actions. But so then is there also a useful bit. A way of expanding ones insight regarding the things at hand. To maybe see something we might have missed. Which generally can't work if we're biased. And thus incapable of interpreting the complexity of the matter. Which one would get to experience after starting simple - 'however'.
Hmm. Well, I couldn't avoid thinking of it again and almost automatically I lifted the deck and the card at the bottom of the heap is one that I recognize as familiar. In that context. The empress. And well - it doesn't tell me what I wouldn't have told myself. Except that I'm now, due to the "flavor text", to be more considerate while still confident in my emotions as to believe in Love.
The 8 wands is another one. I remember that one because I was very confused by it initially. Something about 'higher power'.
Queen of Cups would be a 'negative' when asking the Tarot for its functionality because of its 'proximity' to acts of creation. But we could also take it the other way and see it as the woman that gathers ... stuff ... in her cup. "The Future" maybe? The Truth? But, that wouldn't have really answered our questions. ... uh ... "Bam!!!"?
The hanged man would also sortof kindof work in the light of expressing caution. More so, although with belief in its functionality ... ? Well. But I would say that thats the thing. What would or could have popped out is not what did pop out. So, if we're discouraged from action or primed to think of being stuck in a bad situation - we could have reflected upon that on the same basis while being left with a more negative conclusion.
And again I find myself wanting to ask the Tarot about her. Its like the only thing I can do. Or think of. I here have no ways to love her. I wished I had her number and could write her or talk with her. I wish ... for something. For ... what I feel to be real to 'be' real. And I have no interactivity with anything at all. All I could do is shuffle the cards and ... 'grow in optimism'. Looking at cards that aren't too ambiguous in their positivity regarding the context. Temperance, Strength, Ace of Cups, ... OK, 7 coins is a bit weird.
The Magician. I would take that as the bad guy.
And maybe I fail to interpret these cards as things that don't deal with me necessarily - but for that I simply lack the strength of heart right now.
So, anything about my conclusion about 'her' as it stands: Knight of Swords. Does it tell me what I am? I mean, this is actually a good question now. I read a lot that the Tarot is more like a mirror. To reflect ones own understanding. And were I the first one to utter the idea of oracles by cards I'd put it the same way. I mean, I ... started with a poker deck and while doing so developed ideas that I found present in that booklet that came with the Tarots.
There's so - first and foremost - a subtle caution uttered in regards to 'fortune telling'. And the meaning of interpretation. But so the problem with Tarots, as said, is their ambiguity. To the untrained eye at least, which is basically where I'm at at the time. But we can understand 'how' it works by drawing comparisons to the Matrix phenomenon.
"Something about my conclusion" ... Knight of Swords. Valiant, Heroic, Decisive, possibly reckless. But also 'doubts, fear but also caution'. Hmm ... so - the issue is: Positive or negative? Both is kindof right here. And yea - this is where we get to what each and every skeptic of the supernatural as "seemingly" said ever. What to do: Time for being brave and smooth movement. Don't hesitate.
Which is a bit less ambiguous. Not in regards to what I should 'do' in reality per se - but in regards to the conclusion. So, time to ... accept it and roll with it.
That way I don't drive myself insane over it - and am ready in case she changes her mind. "Cool".
So, did it help? Well, it kindof didn't! I've been there at all. It changes ... 'nothing'. Basically. But it primes me in a way. I feel confirmed in it - more confident about my conclusion, ... which I by the way couldn't really have changed at all. I mean, to come back to the magician. "I admit" - ... "he's a pickle" ... 'no doubt about it'. But ... well. What can I do about it?
Yet the Tarot doesn't say anything that hasn't been said already in one way or another. And sure, I think this needs re-emphasis. And I think there's still a riddle hidden within it. I mean, at this point I'm sortof circling "into" this conclusion that Tarots ... well, yea ... are resistant to change. But there are tarots that are concerned of just that. As one would be in a situation of contemplation, weighing one thing against the other. Which isn't really anything that applies to me right now. There is no weighing.
The rest just ... goes along. Thats kindof what the poker cards told me. Well, that one is a little bit complicated. First I shuffled until I had two heaps. One left and one right. Then I layed a pyramid (1-3) - cards covered - and cards upon them face up. Then a row of 5 decks with each three cards. First the five, then another five on top and then the last. Then a reverse pyramid with faces up, and then another one on top of it face down.
I so started to cover up on the bottom and then the equivalent on top. Reading stuff into it. The five decks are called "fate cards". Their function ... well. It so happened that they allowed me to connect stuff on the bottom with the top. Simply because of color. So in their vague meaning. Its like solving a puzzle. There's a given meaning in their order and - putting cards onto other is like 'solved'. It solved out fine, but I was left with a deck of three ... "pikes"? And the heap on the right vastly unsolved. So, "the triad of evil remains". Thats pretty much what I took from it - and something about "Queen of Diamonds holding the Prince of Hearts".
I was left with one card, ... and I did put it above the pyramid on top. I'm not sure if it was the card that was covered though - but there was a '2 hearts' "growing" into a '3 hearts'. So, ... growing Love.
Which right now however seems more like mockery. And so are there those points where we're most certainly just not sure what to make of it. Can I trust it or should I not? Can I trust it - but when it matters it will turn against me? So, should I try not to be comforted by the Knight of Swords?
Well, at this point it sortof seems silly to ask that. I guess any Psychiatrist would at this point come down to the same thing as well. Well, 'of course' while it stays within sane measures. I mean, we could interpret it that way - so that I would think of digging more ... aggressively. As understanding the 'don't doubt' in regards to smooth motion that way too. Which could be a good advise. I mean - its a situation where giving advises would generally be foolish. Nobody can tell me what to do. I could get disappointed again and would have to handle it. If I were insane I'd probably get ... to a place with 'cozy walls' ... sotospeak.
But yea. Now ... to mention it, there's "the Loosers Parable". So, the Looser in every movie ever that was in Love with a girl and in the end maybe got her. I so far always understood it as anyone else, possibly. Just the looser/nerd type and the fun surrounding him on the screen. And some might find that special someone. But now I think differently about it. I would ... I mean, I think - because of the way it did hit me - that everyone could find himself in that position. Loving someone that for whatever reasons just seems ... out of reach. Turning even the most badass baller into a scared looser. Just a note.
But anyway. Well, trying to talk this out of my mind - that would be difficult. At least without her help. And with her help I'd find it desirable. I mean, ... its ... weird to realize that ever since I fell in Love with Anna ... things have changed so little. I'm still in Love with someone that doesn't seem to like it, riddled with ambiguities that nourish my hopes.
But yea, so - this is now going in circles. Knight of Swords. The Empress. The Magician. ... where it all ends ... well. I dare not to look again because so far I know ... nine cups and eight wands. It still could mean anything but means as much as ... that I'm powerless!
Ace of Wands: The bottom card that came 'easy'. You know - sometimes cards stick together thus creating 'natural' ... "gaps".
Lovers: The card at the bottom after I lifted again, trying another one. Not an easy one.
If it all comes the negative way ... hmm. So far I get that the negatives are always somewhat present within. Hmm, so, 'Mindscape' is now coming to an end. (The movie). "The truth is the only thing that can set us free". I guess that'd make a nice closure to this one. Otherwise I might have thought of inception. Though, that be more like a blunt club in comparison.
Hmm ... eight wands ... could be "them".
Lovers: "be careful of false decisions".
Well. I guess its fair to say that this turned out to be a nice representation of what I mean by "the Trap within Tarot". I mean - there's a conclusion and since then I'm just moving around in circles drawing cards. And nothing ... changes.
So, could things change were I to just act against it? I would do what I do and thus just move on. Somehow that should make me successful. So we could imply that there might be a curse that would prevent us from being successful another way. Ten swords?
But what if I now succeed? I could so try to be mad - which would also be covered in terms of 'true feelings'. I so could stop believing, be 'more mad', really upset, and be like "its over, you had your chance - now deal with it!". And it would make sense just that I don't think its warranted while I still do basically feel alright. Though, seeing her might not be the same - and Knight of Swords that way would tell me to be careful. In essence that means ... letting go, despite not letting go.
The thing I would do.
So, maybe I'm just naturally good at it and that in the way of being too good for advises of any kind.
So, any ... issues? Yes! Being all in Love might be just what "they" want ... to take her further away from me. Being negative might let her notice that something is wrong. But that could scare her as well. In this endless cycle of possibilities cards won't help. Thats certain! Except maybe I try to put down two cards - one for positive and one for negative - so, explicit. And one for actions. To ... so ... deal with the booklet that I have for guidance.
Page of Wands, Page of Coins, 10 Swords.
Eagerness, Joy and a Juvenile attitude.
Distractions, Loss of Sense/Meaning or Faith. Confusion.
An Extreme Situation is already changing.
Hmm. So ... nothing new!
Where the extreme situation could be me, right now - just as the rest. So ... good?
So, ... this probably goes on until I have to sleep. Its 10 to 11 pm - so, yea. I probably should sleep now. And I haven't eaten yet. I did struggle with it. I felt like, deliberately not eating. But then also to not do that. Now I've wasted my time on this.
By tomorrow I will have forgotten what meaning within the cards makes most sense to me - will be just going and from time to time maybe remember the one or the other. As they come. So, ... so far the Cards help me cope with it. With something they produced? Well, maybe I was too eager giving her that piece of paper - ... ?
Oh God. I mean - well. Its not over. And if thats how it is in ... after rehab, I guess, its overdue to think again.
... [dum dum dum].