Well. In appendage to the previous story - now a "preliminary conclusion".
So, as it was - last friday - things ... sortof changed. So, she was about to meet that guy - and I think things got noticeable to me earlier that morning. The way it felt to see her was different. She started to avoid me. More. We had our ways of going out of each others way, but that was different. Then, this morning, 'it' happened. A feeling I know too well and now I think I know what it means. Kindof. Well, its "that" sudden hot flash when seeing someone. It happened as she came into the dining room. I was sitting there and as she came in and probably saw me - it happened.
Well. The thing is - I asked her last week if she'd like to do something with me; And she seemed happy while she said yes. We made something out for the next day, but an appointment interrupted that. I was still in a good mood - well, I guess ... until that friday. The moment she said she had this friend she'd like to meet I felt shocked. And that feeling I know from that first girl I had been in love with returned. That awkward feeling - that feeling of being ... "outclassed" or whatever. And it was so much the same, its like ... she (the first one) was sitting there instead.
And yea. So I asked her today and all of a sudden "no" - she thinks it doesn't 'fit' ... "right now(?)" ... .
I can also add this to my "Tarot Research". I have them since last wednesday. And so far it would seem that it only gives one shitty answers that no-one can actually benefit of. That is I think the more concrete way of expressing those initial suspicions that something might be wrong with them. A problem might be that positives and negatives are ambiguous. Or guidance. Once I was laying stuff out - and while wondering of something and shuffling the cards expanding on something I had been confused about. Now, it was about my family - and the Tarot was positive towards them - however so in the financial sense. I was confused - yet - as it so simply told me something I already knew but wasn't actually fine with. The Tarot would so advise me to 'deal with it' as well as I could and yea, I see that there is no good way to escape. But there was one card which could have meant something else - and as I expanded on that, a way out 'did' expand - just, ... it depends on something else. Or ... someone.
Yea. So - I am confused about it. Still.
I think best for the public to express it is that Song by Michael Jackson called "She's out of my Life". Its ... "funny" ... because I had a dream telling me just that. So, in that dream I was chasing after a woman. She was there, close, part of 'my group' - but whenever things got sexual she disappeared. I tracked her down after I got aware of it being just a dream - but she was occupied speaking in a room. There outside I guess the veil of the dream caught me - but there was someone telling me that maybe I should try showing my affection some more. So in that dream there were two girls. I touched them and they willingly followed me. Thereafter I found myself on a battleground and then put into birds-perspective; Like the whole place had turned into a model of some kind.
Now, I wondered - but it contributed to me actually trying to speak to her instead of trying something else.
And its confusing, because - thinking back ... she caught my eye since the very first time I saw her. I just wouldn't think of her as a potential partner because she was stationed in a different place at that time; And right away I believed that I'd never stand a chance. Although she ... isn't that typical pretty girl some might think usually catch my eye. To me however - she is. I probably have to speak to the doctor about this. Its ... driving me nuts!
Well, in the end - I again have managed to make myself love sick - or ... in more specific words: I don't know how it happened, but it happened anyway. And now it really seems like this song speaks from my heart. I didn't understand what the part "I don't know whether to laugh or cry" should mean. But I get it now. There's this sobering state of ... "well, fuck!" ... and what you wanna do? She said no - and any further thing I'd do would only make it worse. But still ... it doesn't leave me. And this is nothing like I've experienced before except that it is, in a few ways. Superficial ways. The ... ways - inside - are different. The outcome is the same. Now I don't know whether I should wait - while at the same time I won't allow myself to fall back into such patterns.
I was confused because all signs were on green - and I couldn't piece together how it would be love! Crazy, because I for the first time ... thought beyond the simple feelings. Its ... so different from anything else. I was more thinking about that I barely know her and thus asking for how it could be Love while otherwise the feeling itself would determine any notion thereof.
So, the conclusion: Whatever changed is probably due to that guy, who's one of "them" I got to think, ... and now I'm mad at her! I'm generally and majorly pissed and I can't get rid of whatever it is that attracted me to her in the first place.
Yet I had to wonder: About that song. Is it that he had to suffer through it so it could be a warning to others? It would seem like ... something totally different. Like true Love doesn't exist! It only exists to fuck us in the arse because it'd be unfair if anyone had it.
It however doesn't affect my depression. "Yet!". What am I to know about how this develops? I still can push some positive mood into my head and ... probably do it as she's doing. Just ... intentionally and consciously. While she ... whatever.
I still have cards open that need some meaning before I can conclude that part, but as it stands now - the Tarot I shared in that video ... it said that the Hierophant is the Antichrist who's actions would contribute to the broken heart - and thats where we're at now! The cards would still suggest a happy end - but - because she's schizophrenic I doubt that she's gonna get it. And when it comes to my inner eye - during art therapy I've drawn a guy standing in the green facing a huge desert, ... and a tiny staircase next to him leading down there. I also had that feeling ... that she'd have her cock within me - which might be someone elses cock in her. Well ... what could I make of it?
So - I wasn't free enough to do the right thing in time.
Why do I always have to do the things I just can't? Never ready - always left behind. Whatever. Maybe she's scared of me - for reasons I tried to explain in the previous article. Or at least doubtful or pre-occupied.
I possible should be positive and hopeful - but honestly - I'm not feeling it nor do I want to feel it! It was nice while it lasted. ...