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Love, Innocence and Adultery

General StuffPosted by Nicole Sun, September 02, 2018 17:51:18
[stuff about 'some' deception]


I think I've found my least favorite movie genre. Maybe less of genre and more something of a ... theme or thread. But it is in that ... usually ... strong enough to be considered a Genre. Pretty much like "rape revenge" is a genre. And it usually deals with adultery. Stories about "that type of Guy" that would get "that" type of woman. But more to the point ... are there real life experiences and those that I get while watching ... and there's an intersection. And first of all should I so mention that there is that what we do when we try and consider something for our future when it gets to social stuff. Or rather particular individuals. Its a bit like trying to see into the future. But more of a feeling into it, ... well.

What I'm thinking about takes me way back - where I was madly in Love with a girl that wouldn't respond to me that way and yet I believed. For some reason I believed it still would turn out fine. Time went by, I eventually got away from it - made a lot of new experiences and eventually I got to thinking back.

And ... its the same story ... always, or usual ... just in different ... "shades of gray".

But we all have different ways of ... 'getting used to it'. Coping with it. I mean, the time where I'd just blindly accept what I "sense" are long gone! Now I only 'see it' - and as I see it - I try to make my way away from it. Donald Trump ... and how people react to him ... would be a matter of these and those too. Maybe lets just call him "the good friend" (that always wants to get you high) ... [and when the time comes ...] ... .

What this means is that "I'd say" that "there are those" that ... understand how to give you a good feeling about something. So, in terms of relationships you'd feel safe, in terms of friendship that they be smooth, great parties, ... whatever. You "feel in" ... and "all is good". You wouldn't hate them however - for anything.

And what can you do?

I think we naturally develop this habit of leaving things up to fate. And in a way, thats ... the mistake. There's a certain passivity in it which lets us wait for something - and that something may just be that "stranger" who has that ... thing. "Engagement". Activity. Interest. Gets things moving. "So much better than [X]".

The one side accuses them of professionally exploiting our weaknesses while they defend with "its better that way".

You try not to be a douche - and bam - yet again.

But don't worry - it gets worse!


For quite some time I frequently babbled about how whenever I have some kind of love interest in someone there's someone creeping up on that person to snatch her away. While eventually there's someone else to grab me. Sounds schizophrenic, but eventually I had a chance to observe it happening live.

I also had a strange week yesterday night. In it, well - I had a problem because Monica had a problem with some assholes; But not even the US army was willing to do anything against the "NYC Mafia". Eventually I had a change to get into their stronghold and there was a tiny entrance down into what might just be the most secure chamber - and there she was, imprisoned and raped.

And I really strongly felt this feeling of how it is when you don't like it.

I think thats just a neat image in context. If you're not dangerous to them its all just fun alright. "Lets assume".

So, there is this girl - and the amount of guys I see swirling around her has grown in equivalence to my growing interest in her. Which was ... confusing, or strange, as in a way it seemed like those were extensions of my feelings. And quite actually, the more I thought of her - the more distant she grew. Its like someone used my emotions to basically surf on them and move on in instead. And around that time I had part 2 of that dream I wrote about recently. That one with my dad and being paralyzed. So I made an experiment. For once I started to "Hug a tree" instead, ... and like magic that swirling was no more. Yet I still had a problem within myself. That paralysis. I found myself stuck to the sidelines - too confused, filled with thoughts that would only make me more passive. "I can't dare to ..." or whatever. So I tried to withdraw my ... "emotional focus" from my heart in an attempt to basically 'be as I would'. I so stood up, moved to the window, thereby getting closer to her - and woom - some other guy stood up and tried to pry his way in between us. Moving "with(in)" my 'emotional sympathy' for her. That which was there as within my actions. But I didn't get scared back and eventually he backed off. Not that it mattered all that much, but well. It matters now, and here!


Another thing is that some"thing"(one) is squeezing into my emotions. Like when I think of Monica and get the impression of being stuck with J.Lo. Good for me that I've grown distant from actually giving a damn about all that stuff going on in my mind - but, the thing is that I for instance think of her or anyone for that matter and "she" is "bulging" in like ... trying to get me distracted from whatever I'm thinking about as to eventually make me get things mixed up.

Then, well. Every friday we talk about whats been well this week and what we plan for the weekend. I heard her say she's meeting a friend she hasn't seen in a while - and as I was at home I was sortof, ... stuck and confused ... someone 'building up' feelings for her - and the only thing I could do was to curse in my mind and play Street Fighter. For the feelings, they were weird. Getting sucked into some kind of ... weirdly ... surreal sort of emotional state while then at some point feeling ... like the skin of someone else manifesting around me. 1+1 is still 2. Curses and Tiger Uppercut!


('The Voices' with Ryan Reynolds ... XD)

But well [sigh] - the Horror Genre is plagued by stupid people! And this is the redemption! Might be.


On top of that, well. How to put it? Well, lets compare those emotions to a wind - ... uh, no. But yes. Well - the thing is that I have my 'inner life'. And every once in a while there is this gap - as between me and that "wind" - and there's then "the other guy". He isn't me - but - he's ... changing me. Taking that space of that gap and being however - not me.

So, how is this? First of all - this has nothing to do with voices. These are no 'hallucinations'.

Its I guess the inverse of getting someone else instead of the person I'm thinking of. So, basically - its inevitable to at some point speak more properly of telepathy. At first simply in the sense of empathy. Not that type of empathy which simply means ... "being a good person" ... but ... Deanna Troy type of empathy. Telepathic empathy. Yea, Astair - in some way. But more intermediate.

So, I guess - the story begins in my head. I live my life - and eventually I start to think about someone. And thats where "it" happens. Maybe its the same when we think of some funny advertisement or movie-scene and we can laugh with it as we feel the collective cloud of laughter that this thought has amassed. So I think of someone and so I get engaged with something. So, thats where when looking at the top we try to make out something to base our further behavior or attitude on. So, beyond it - we also get into the realms of crazy. Like the first time around - "that girl" - it all started with a song, while I was high sleeping on someones couch. Could have been Brown Eyes by Beyonce, or something like that. I thought of a girl and started to imagine things. Could we be together? How would it be? And it was as though someone was saying "Yes" ... to all my positive imaginations. And there it came - that warm feeling. I guess - what I had been prolonging for ... for all my life till then. Love. Warmth. Comfort. Now, some wouldn't go as far as to assume that this was me being deliberately put into a psychotic state - but the |guardians of realism| ... well, lets just say "Maaaaa-Trix".

Its a thing. And in a way is the Tarot feat. the Matrix thing (22) - a homage to that. How certain stances or attitudes - just like "the good friend" or "temptation" - give us comfort in our ... "measly" existence.

However. Whatever. Its on when its on - or something like that, whatever.

So - thats, when thinking of telepathic empathy, the individuals starts to engage in a more "thorough" form of interaction. Since she wasn't anywhere close, I also don't think it really had anything to do with how she'd respond. And I noticed something. A couple of times I tried to get to her, close up, for some answers. And beyond a certain point it was as though I left one sphere and entered another. The world where I was in Love with her and had those feelings ended - and a world ... a different world ... started. One where I had no chances.

Well, now its obvious what and why.

Back then, not so much.

After I had been over this I basically ... well. First there was Madonna, then Amanda and then Monica. All, in some way, like guardian angels - in the sense that each of them "pacified" me via some other emotional thing. Nothing like true Love. But, like it. Some other fascination - none alike. Different, but similarly ... enticing. All in and of themselves somewhat capable of sustaining the idea of a fulfilled life and love - but so different that this whole construct of true Love or soulmateship came to crumble. I mean, aside of Polygamous ideas there's just no sense in how all that could be. And because thats just how I was, eventually - so beyond that - I settled on vastly sexual thoughts. For pleasure. Trying to think of other things. Although ... well, whatever.

I think it just happens. At least in my situation. Alone, isolated, ... etc.. So, I eventually got to think of 'her' - and so this 'wind' would engage me in some thoughts - where this "other guy" would for instance incite struggle of some kind. So, in the sense ... I'd think of something and as this character squeezes in that turns into a quarrel. But so I have the feeling that its how she would get to see me. Yea, like ... I would see the other chick instead of her.

And all in all its confusing because the images by which I would differentiate are just forms. The ... 'emotional weight' ... changes. Either dragging me into optimism, false confidence, pessimism, ... all sorts of stuff - that just shouldn't be there.

Well, in general a situation that is created through these odd perceptions thus distorting ones 'normal being' in reality. Pessimism holds one back, optimism into it makes one try to break out - things don't happen as they would or should - etc.. Things get crazy.

Or, if I were to do something while this other character is basically charging me with optimism I'd sortof carry his "genes" (for the lack of a better word) into the activity and be masked. Thats my suggestion. The crazy then is that this "charge" has a motivation that isn't mine and while I'd follow it - I yet have to speak for myself. So, I wouldn't know what to say.

I think its complicated.

Maybe its just a way of getting me scared. Who knows? I think I've had something similar with Taylor Swift "recently"; Where anything would however make me jealous or ... get me uneasy and willing to do stuff because of that ... . However, things that aren't on my actual radar. Things I shouldn't be concerned about. Or things I should be concerned about in another way.


So, what did I miss? I have this bad feeling in my left knee. Well, anyway - I guess I could have put it all shorter. There's that girl and I think about her, get engaged into thoughts and every once in a while a "villain" pops in, one way or the other. The deeper effect simply being a distortion of whats real. In the simplest case we so just wouldn't get to talk, wouldn't come any closer, ... because ... I assume that once I'm not alone anymore things are going to change. The other way around I'm just getting more and more crazy; And once I write about it, that just adds up.

Hmm ... well. Whatever.


Silent Hill : Revelation. It deals in a similar vein as the voices, but I think its a more intimate "revelation" of 'their' kind. Possibly their understanding of reality subconsciously transformed into art.


And that girl, ... I hope she'll be safe - and gets what she wants. Something thats good for her!


But yea. "Empty Promises" - that would be the theme/topic here. Or "Empty" "Promises". The thing is that I can feel 'promises of successful relationshipping' here and there, but ... if one is to sacrifice him or herself for someone elses wellbeing, that ain't truly Love. I could feel well and comforted while someone else takes perfect care of me. Being a partner, giving me a life - and if I wanted I could then call it "it" - the good thing. While yet I know that its just an illusion erected to pacify me within a state of apostasy.


Girl in the middle of Silent Hill surrounded by Monsters screaming: "Help, why doesn't anyone help me?!" ... ??? ... []


Whatever. In metaphor I think we can find ourselves in that situation and wonder - like, ... "where's God?" ... and I wonder: Maybe my advises when it comes to God are different to you than they are to me. I get an immediate response - thinking you get the same. But, if I feel the force and you don't - yea, you'd be like me before I got in - and the effect, well, would take its while to enter the realms of the eightfold (whats perceivable therein).

...