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My Blog

Nightmares and Fear

Fundamental/EmpiricalPosted by Nicole Mon, August 20, 2018 00:39:36

[Nightmares, Fear Conditions, DMX, Feminism ... and more ... and less]


I should sleep, but I feel like I shouldn't - and thats one of those feelings that I've learned to ... trust. I'm ... about to, anyway.

I've had nightmares in my lifetime, but ... not for a long time. There are three, basically, that I can recall. One of them was a repeating one. Or should I put it as: "one of those" ... repeating ones? Well, of those I also had a couple in my lifetime.


Well, in the one I came into the main "hallway" of the apartment I grew up in. And at the one end my Dad appeared and he had the appearance of a T-Rex. I got scared, ran away - the other way. Heading towards the balcony - and I realized that it was just a dream and I jumped down.

If what I think of choices in dreams is right - then that was the moment where I "decided" that I can get along without him.

That repeating one - was basically a black void filled with spaghetti like ... roads. I moved upon them and eventually they'd get ... bumpy. A weird feeling. A little bit like once a sleepy limb wakes back up, but different nonetheless. It was nasty - it felt uncomfortable and for the Love of God I wanted it to stop. Eventually I got onto a smooth passage - and I guess since there and then had this hope that one day things will be ... 'better'. Or in my lifetime ... to look for it. I get reminded of it every once in a while.

The other one ... I found myself somehow chased by a black man. An afro american - who chased me up a skyscraper in construction and at the end of a beam he shot me. I fell down - and as I smashed onto the ground I woke up. And the guy looked like DMX.


That may have been a prophetic one. I remember another one where DMX had a role. I somehow was "washed ashore" in NYC. I was looking for a place to stay and found something. Maybe too good to be true. Eventually however it got scary there - and I escaped. Swum in some water ... to some point. Got out. And then - it somehow blurrs away. Next things I remember are walking through a house filled in red Light, DMX opening a side-door to it; And then ... Eminem dressed as a clown with some other clowns ... smashing against a garage door that ... was filled with graffiti and had just closed. Then I woke up - with some meaning of ... well. It was like ... if I "sided" (?) with DMX, Eminem would freak out.


I had another dream where I got killed - or more - but I wouldn't call those Nightmares.

Correlations?


Well, Prophetic dreams?

I've had such. And also with my Depression I think I'm getting into areas that aren't as easy ... to "get". I mean, entering grounds that seem out of touch. Like, things that to me happen to be easy but others ... maybe don't 'believe' they could ever "get there". And to that I think that those problems are problems that are ... well ... "intrinsic" to ones mind. With that we also get to this "fabled" ... "enemy within". The mind eventually grows beyond ones own ... errors ... but those errors persist. Simply because over the time they've grown stronger - and that because they're ... "essential" ... to, basically, ones ... "Character". Character, yea!

Its like the foundation to a house - which is ... basically ... irreplacable. One has to tear down the whole house to ... "fix it".


Fear. ... I had fear. But - in a weird way I learned to ignore it. Or escape it. To a point where I wouldn't even rationally comprehend it as fear anymore. I realize that now because ... "they" (Psychiatry) talk of fear frequently. And I, when I get asked about it I generally have to say 'no'. But there are those moments - usually after I got high, but only sometimes - where I have this weird ... anxiety. Its like instead of the "sweet high" there's this fog, ... a black dark fog with phantoms inside that wanna reach for me and make me feel like I've done something wrong. Well, it starts there - and I assume that this is simply because thats "my frontier". Thats where "they" begin to chew. And if you don't have those ... "fortifications" I have then they might have more control upon you. Well ... . The thing is - I get into those situations also when I'm not high. At least - in a ... in some way. I can however relate to it and see how it would appear to me had I smoked weed.

And these things - maybe thats why ... or, I'm sure that thats why ... I'm so much into horror movies and such. I have the feeling that those 'manifested fears' work as a sponge. If I have correlating fears, or "phantoms", they somehow ... get manifest with the images and that on the other end makes them more relate-able to me. Its like ... pouring flour into water. The image gets cluttered up with the manifestation ... uh ... and so a face that I would tend to trust would appear not so trustworthy anymore because now the 'pictures' that are cluttered up with it carry their own weight.

I feel like I've seen all the movies free on Amazon Prime already. At least, the better rated ones. Meanwhile I'm scavenging ... what I would call "all the Nonsense". And yea, not all of them are quite ... "all that bad". But if I were to give them any prizes they'd still be more of the Golden Raspberry kind. More or less.


Well. There's this - which is unrelated to ... "the phantoms of the abyss" I have; If we want to call them that way - movie, ... the german title is "Orphanage - Das Weisenhaus 2" (Orphanage - the Orphanage 2) ... uh ... "The Orphanage Milwood"?. Well, its ... in its content reminiscent of a Psychiatry. And I guess it depends on ones mindset whether this movie would awaken, support or kindle such fears - or work as I described earlier. Well, lets ... think this through. It happens so that this "cluttering" thing doesn't work because there is no dark and mysterious phantom that tries to hide. So, rather is there a fear that then would further clutter up with these "horrors" - and so, it would depend on what experiences you have with those things. And well, the dramatic reality would suggest that ... there are places like that and so ... its a different issue.


I have my own Demons to fight - and I guess thats one thing I ... basically 'grew' afraid of. They were nothing I ... ever had any control of and thus ... it appeared unimaginable how I could ... fight them. But since I've found that what it takes is ... well, 'are' ... the right tools to it. While they are beyond ones reach, thats just the way it is. One develops ways to deal with them otherwise - and thats maybe how their terror continues. I had this one dream which I guess was close to a nightmare. I wrote of it - the latter part of it - just ... some time ago. The "Starcraft" dream with the Red Crystals and strange riots or overtaking. In the beginning of that dream I was living in the room I lived in before I lived in the Redlight district. Well, the room in my grandpas house. My dad was there and everything was just ... fine. Hmm ... now I remember a few other ... strange dreams. Well, anyhow. Everything was fine - but then some of his friends were to come. And everything should be better. But then I got worried - some strange fear came upon me - and then I fled. I felt ... stunned. As though something had tranquilized me. And following - this idea. That my Dad would only play nice until all "elements" would be in position to strike. Or was that the origin of that fear? I can't really recall that now - but anyway, it was mostly something that occupied my mind during waketime anyway.

And in a strange way - I ... felt it coming while in the same time feeling ... like I couldn't do anything. Surely, the idea of going into a Psychiatry seemed like the perfect fit. Its not to hard to believe, for me, that this outcome would have been foretold - while other things leave me to suggest that the opposite was ... the plan.

Which also reminds me of the T-Rex thing. Huge Legs, but tiny arms. Which I think fits the "natural power" of the Antichrist(ians) pretty well. They can do a lot in the shadows - but "the System", as it is, is operated through normality. Normal people have to exist in it. Live in it. Making it work. So, in a psychiatry with Normal people I don't have to worry anything! Well, the more it is run by them - the more problematic it gets; But part of my bettering ... well ... "taught" ... or yea, 'taught' me that I, in this situation, am my biggest enemy. If I refuse help, I'm on my own. And on my own, without anywhere to go, I'm trapped!

So, whatever it may be. Schizophrenia, real Phantoms, ... Paranoia or real Enemies; It boils down to the same thing, somehow.


I recall ... . Once I found myself in that situation of ... just not seeing ... "the end", or "the way". So I wanted to know - and I had what I would now call a Vision. A ... "sticky insight". Or memory? Well, the memory is clear - its sticky - its as fresh, basically, as the moment whence it came. It was a road; And it was leading up to a bridge - and there ... it seemed to be closed. Then there was a "Forrest way" leading off it. It also came to an end. Beyond this barrier there was a willow. Beyond that willow a ... some water. Beyond that water ... a building. And that was the way. Or "would have been" the way. Back then I was still in klinik.tv - and I just moved on as before. Some time later I was in another measurement of the Job Center - and thats where I got stressed out, ... and simply felt better staying at home. So, would that be the dead end on the road? Or was that me ... taking the exit? I got stuck there for a while until someone got concerned about me. This would seem like its the exit on the road; Like ... officials coming in and ... doing their thing. And so I might have had to look for Transgender Therapy another way.

Well. The thing is however that I can relate to the grassy area and the water beyond it. The grass, full of stones, that is now. Therapy. Thereafter - rehabilitation. Also - gender alignment. Would be a few years - but all in all - getting away from ... trying to pretend as though I could live a normal life in this situation.


How does a Ghost catch its prey?


I have to think of a movie called "The Bye Bye Man". In this its so that ... generally one is to not think or say his name. But yet there is one scene where the Protagonist starts to strike out the name, and with each occurrence of his name that is striked out, he moves closer. And so it would actually be ignorance that "summons" him. And likewisely, in the end he concludes that it is his fear that gives him strength. He tries to be brave; And he breaks his illusion for a moment.

Well, its ... perhaps bad to consult such movies for council - but, one thing is nevertheless certain: They deal with fear. Some would do it better than others - and each one potentially differently so. The classic story needs a beginning, a main part and an end. The ghost starts his shenanigans, the terror unfolds and ... somehow the thing has to end. Depending on what the end should be there then would be some plot device to end it, or not. Or there is one but it matters not. Or there is none but somehow it works out anyway.

Ghosts get scary when they can do stuff and also read our minds. So they start to drive "us" crazy. The two in combination make for a simple concept of a ghost. He reads our minds to do stuff. We pay attention to it, start to move within those illusions and by doing so we're already moving in its realm - a realm that is produced to take us closer and closer to him. SO, in other words: The further we enter its realm, the more powerful the ghost can be. Its ... simple ... "Geometry".


Those dreams that I remembered while writing of the place I used to live in - or being reminded of it - well, they ... as one could suggest by now ... are reoccurring ones. Sometimes I find myself sneaking around the lower storage hall and some ... shady stuff is going on. I hide. And eventually I find myself fighting. In the upper one some constructions are going on. And then there's something of a hidden treasure. I think thats my gramps' Testament. Accordingly, my brother, dad and I would get equal parts of his wealth. But without the original - we couldn't claim it. So, thats why the dream changed - after I moved out - where the treasure was no longer hidden in the house, but, in an underground facility.

"Unreachable".

Well, I come to believe that it wouldn't have been worth the trouble.


The DMX dream is also somehow clear to me nowadays. "How can I be a fan of his?". Well, I can only believe that in truth he's a fan of God - and so, whatever has been meant however ... well, however it may be ... shouldn't trouble me at all. I mean, whatever diverges from the true path; The one we all are to travel on ... cannot be considered ... 'Honest' ... in ... "that" sense.

And so I also come to find a where and when to write about Feminism. "Finally, ... "once and for all"".

Its something that has bothered me. Like, ... you just say a thing you believe is true and get into conflicts with ... "Feminists" or whatever. But lets put it so: 'I' ... have my opinion. Just like ... Thunderf00t or Undoomed ... have theirs. And ... "something" would like me to believe that I'm wrong listening to them. But well. Lets say that they are 'not' Antichristians. Just as I am ... 'not'. What does it change? Well - what ... would you do? Or would you have me do? Or them? There are ... principles. Things that we believe in, each in their own way, that ... "you" would have us give up because ... 'Feminism'.?!... . And we say no! Not out of hostility but, in your ... "rage" ... you wouldn't see it any other way. Because you 'have to' ... keep pushing.

And the consequence? Trouble!

ANd so ... there is this ominous "Way of Truth". What is it? What could it be? I'm walking on my way with God - and that takes me to things that DMX wouldn't consider ... 'real' or however we wanna put it. And so there is this convergence ... of our ways. Mine and his. Those like me and those like him. And where they converge - there has to be unity. We have to stand next to each other; With each other. Beyond that ... they ... might ... "leave" each other again. They can be them and we can be us - each ... being an individual again.

Cannot see it work?

It has to be a unified way - for all and forever the same?

No divergence?

No ... what?


Define! This Mystery! Can you tell me what it means?

Explain! These Notions and Metaphors!

...


You must see it by now! You can't win! Its pointless!

Are you fighting for something? For more than your survival? Can you tell me what it is? Do you even know? Is it freedom or Truth? Could it be for Love?


All Illusions? Vagueries of Perception? Temporary Constructs of a Feeble Human Intellect trying to justify an existence that is without meaning or purpose? And all of them as artificial ... as ... the Matrix itself?


Dig it like that: What is freedom if yours diverges from the one that God "intends" (supports) for all of us? What is Truth if yours only keeps on fueling a fire of hatred against God? What is Love, if all it is isn't more but a reason to fuel that fire even more? You wanting it your way? Not wanting some "White old Prick" to determine your fate? What is it?


"The purpose of Life is to end".

Isn't it?

"This Life" - this convoluted life. This life of confusion and redundant bitterness which we in our Mass Delusional Society somehow learned to romanticize? Or is it really just a romanticiz...za.zation of ... individuality? Well, who would know to keep the two apart?

Baptism however is death! Killing this old self thats caught up in the spiderwebs of the dark predators of this reality, its demons, phantoms, ghosts and what not. Allowing God to flush it by a cleansing Light - transforming morbidity into ... /true/ individuality.


You must be able to see it by now!


Is it freedom? Or Truth? Perhaps peace? Could it be for Love?


Feminism is Tyranny!


There's a line ... separating obsession from fanaticism.


Peace! And 'Sela'!