Lady Slut and Roleplaying Issues
[A practical insight into the workings of clarity and love in relation to psycho-active substance intake]
Along with how the Matrix keeps on confirming me in my own self-perception I feel less of a need to justify me in my being. As of that I would normally start getting 'back' into that subject with a mindset that assumes that generally speaking my position is taken as nonsense. So I would have to start at square one and re-iterate the introduction points etc. which as it so happens would here and there come hand in hand with newer associations to the subject matter.
In this contrast I would further feel generally alone. Being 'down a path' that would be too extreme for even the most "hardcore sluts" to follow. At least enough to kick them out of their 'concept of alignment'. So I would for instance think that a person which has inherent ties to certain Satanic themes and Sexuality would easily feel stranger to the concepts I have to the point where there would be no alignment recognized. At that point it then would seem rather difficult for me to 'explain' how it is just an attitude problem. Or how that persons alignment would yet be individual and in its differences still valid as it is.
Yet it is one of the 'core items' of all that. Essentially one could metaphorize 'it' to the glowing candle. The issue of individuality and - to the "uninitiated": the Profane truth of Gods attitude to value and support our individuality. That however and most certainly (as utterly self-understood) in alignment to His great sense of divine Unity and Harmony. So, naturally it is one self-explaining tenant of 'Paradise' that we won't harm one another. Some might think that it is the nature of a finite world with finite resources that we have struggles to begin with, but of the ten commandments only one actually deals with worldly possession. If we exclude 'life' as one of them.
One has to keep in mind that not only do we there deal with everlasting Life, but as of that also with the term of 'living'. And living comes with all the "bam". Expectations, Plans, Joys/Pleasures, etc.; So that something as simple and technically essential as "reproduction"/Love (well, lets call it 'simple' (by concept)) gets complicated as it involves another individual with the same basis of ... "rights" of freedom. It is through that, that the idea of the promise of "70 virgins" needs to be linked to the question whether there even be 70 people that would wanna share time with you.
As otherwise confusing, I came up with the term 'Psi' (well, ...) in association to 'Clarity' to frame the social elements to it. So, my clarity being 'Whore' or 'Sex-Slave' - it needs be so that there is a Pimp/Owner for it to work. While that is implied within Clarity, Psi takes us/me to the 'actuality' thereof; Though I have to keep on mind that my case might be special in that my privacy and "professionality" are close to each other. It is however now so as a part of Clarity or Psi, that Gods influence can manipulate us. That is one way to assume that one might have X number of spouses. Thus - simply suggesting that God elects 70 individuals per person that are by all means bound to wanting to be with that other one. One way God could take care of doing this right by evaluating our individualities and corresponding interests and priorities. And there Love comes down to its most pragmatic and logical "data points". Whom would I want to be in Love with, if not with someone I can vibe with? Eventually this point is hard enough to make any alternative seem irrational - but it still is "too technical" to really sit well with us. We can't explain it, ergo we can call it irrational still, but as of that would also know that rationality - to our understanding - isn't always perfect. It is flawed. This is also why we should be scared away from "Golden Chaining". So, implying too much into a simple root of understanding.
On the same note: Free Will is irrational since if it were not, it would not exist since it would be entirely based on rationality. And by being that, there is no free will, or will at all.
So is individuality itself also irrational since rationally we should want and want to be all the same. Because rationality only knows perfection without divergence/risk.
Respectively do I understand my Love-situation as something akin to a puzzle. Well, or ... "flowers and bees" in a distant sense. Flowers and Bees - well, this model is easy to visualize. We have "buds" - and when in Love with someone else, their "bees" come and fertilize them. These then are 'memories'; Experiences that basically carry that social bond. And it is to me so that they cannot be undone. I suggest it is because of our emotional connection to them, that they simply become pivotal elements to our emotional constitution influencing our entire "social meta" (reasoning of Love). Well, unless we've lost our active memory of them. Then they work more ... passively. Yet as our minds have grown around them, they would still function in relative patterns.
So do I for instance know - as through the Force I must assume - that there is one that I am supposed to Love, but I cannot love "her" like I do love my #1. The "#1 buds" will always contradict to that.
So is it with 'adultery', the case of finding another ("more suitable") Lover, that the Love experience is different. One eventually saturated the experiences with the one and then moved on to something else. The success with that would/should depend on how "wholesome" that Love interacts with ones intermediate reality/world/life/consciousness/... .
In my case I believe it to be so that my "first buds" are "whore-ish". Saying: I have enjoyed various states of intimacy without direct Love towards an individual. Then came my first Love and respectively are there yet my 'first buds' that entice me to further experience my life as a prostitute of some kind. It is complicated - saying: It takes time to wrap ones head around those things. I mean - once things start coming they come, as far as I understand, in no 'practical' order. An order starts to be perceptive once a certain amount of "things" have come up; Sufficiently so to realize some context and relativities. Respectively does ones image/perception also change over time until it has settled within its own sotospeak.
This is to say that coupling is ... complicated ... when understood, as far as I understand, through "the eyes of God". And something tells me that it is not only complicated, but paramount. I further think that we aren't all "of the same cloud". Although some individuals might be bigger to the point that they are a part of a cloud that inhabits many. As a cloud I hereby mean, simply enough, a collective of beings caught up in what would be a "sense" of co-existence. A part of God, as I would describe it, that links us together. But perhaps its better to think of some geology where now there are regions, boundaries and gates. And then some evolution over time.
When thinking of Love we can so think of 'things' and 'links'. I can so want a specific thing, or a specific link. Both comes with the respective other; but priority-wise that also generates conflicts within our understanding of fairness. If I now want 'some-one' who would be best at giving 'the thing' to someone else - so for instance - whats it gonna be? Should God prioritize the link or the thing?
Ultimately to me it comes out that the link takes priority because they are unique; In that I for instance cannot replace someone. And I would suggest that that is good! It adds meaning to 'true Love'. But further we must wonder whether true Love is always mutual; And I would suggest: Yes - if so that these buds that I'm talking of are inherently mutual constructs. In that regard they would assure a 'strong Link' that also works for those involved.
It is now through such issues that my Clarity is re-affirmed. Or my clarity in some way shapes the demands wherein I then find my Love-interests confirmed. And thats how I experience the reality of my "sexual excessiveness". Ergo: It is 'not' a 'practical idea' of how life should be. But an abstract one.
But still practical to some extent. So is there my clarity by which I settle my priorities. Respectively - since my real-time existence shows none of such habits - do I experience it as stranger once clarity related concepts grow within me; But still is it so that any prospect of a related lifestyle happens to be enticing towards me. The more I progress in my gender transition, the more I'm easing up towards Loving 'men' - so, becoming Hetero-Sexual (or "remaining" so); Although ultimately I still see myself as lesbian.
It is now clear to me that the influence of the Force (God) in all this is 'fundamental'. Saying, God helps us procure our vital interests and priorities and further helps us structure our lives accordingly. That is clear to me since I've experienced the effects of Serotonin re-uptake inhibition (Anti-Depressives (Venlafaxin (75mg/day (starting with less)) that clearly cancelled out a certain spectrum of emotions. I can still experience their foundations, but the effect isn't quite as strong. I suppose that my depression caused a stronger draft into a depressing interpretation of those foundations.
Serotonin re-uptake inhibitors 'block' the body from ... "recycling" Serotonin. That is important because Serotonin cannot be "put into" the brain - or something like that. There's a barrier, so, when consumed it stays in a part of the nervous system thats irrelevant to our mood. Inhibiting its re-uptake means that more is available, but it also ... messes things up a bit. Its hard to explain, but ultimately the key insight to this is that the spirit has a broader unity with the body than we might suspect. I think we can draw an analogy to Quantum-Physics where we can imply that quantum states (super-positions) can be directly associated to Gods will. And as we are supposed to have physical senses to for instance feel pain, our minds need a strong link to its ... biochemistry we'd assume I suppose.
So can the presence of certain compounds within our nervous system be rationalized as carrying specific moods or at the very least 'impressions' - which then would be resources to our minds ability to ... function. So, the more dopamine we produce the more ... "off the ground" our thoughts can be. Serotonin on the other end helps us relax - in the broadest sense - while I however assume that its re-uptake is also coupled to certain conditions which once inhibited are simply put inhibited.
Hence does my sexual excessiveness now no longer exist emotionally - reasonably - ... uh, as reasonably emotional, but by a fundamental understanding of myself that yet renders me incapable of settling upon or reasonably creating alternate solutions. Well, unless there is sufficient space. One example of such would be in the assumed 'void' that a practically monotone setup somehow implies. So, understanding myself as a 'sex doll' implies that I have no reason outside of being a sexual utility and as of that would settle in a way that could be regarded as demise or depressive. One step further away from "mechanical" I understand myself as a pet. So, animalic patterns of behavior surrounding those mechanisms that make me that kind of doll I am. Yet with a higher level of mental activity we inherently leave that sphere where now the question for my mental activity needs an answer; And this answer can only be sexualized indirectly. And then, when so generalizing my activity as creative (Designer) my ability to realize that within sexual terms is also limited by ... things. Necessity for once; But maybe more importantly the respective impact regarding the equilibrium between submission and dominance. So, being submissive by kind 'should' block me from functioning "creatively dominant". So, the extent of how sexualized my intellectual activity can be cannot be inherently dictated. There is however a bit of tolerance. Well ..., the thing being that intellectual work is work of its own, where now sexual items cannot be rationally integrated. Thinking of math for instance can Sex not really be a thing; Unless that math could somehow produce sexuality; Which would be more of a random thing that furthermore were too ... abstract to settle on that for a thing. As so math takes the upper hand.
Well, I'm not that good at math but I happen to have sufficient understanding of it to support my Programming interests. While there I find myself ambitioned to utilize it sexually, the work itself that is to support those ambitions has to be done vastly in ignorance of it. Its a weird dynamic.
Well, regarding my Creativity however I don't really experience myself as free. That supports me in recognizing me as submissive by nature. And its only depressing if one were to exclude all the sexual fun from the equations.