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My Blog

Writing about ... something

General StuffPosted by Nicole Sat, August 04, 2018 15:38:38
OK. Well, first of all there's a progress update of sorts concerning my medical story. I'm soon out of the Psychiatric Day Clinic to again be stationary however in a Psychosomatic thing. And then back to psychiatric day clinic. It turns out ... as I've also begun to record here ... that my story is a bit more complicated than I realized. And most importantly ... how I would realize in realtime. So, usually ... I'm feeling fine. After some lows, which I wouldn't consider as lows but just ... uh, whatever, I'm back at normal while being optimistic about my future and my ability to handle the same. Taking my concerns that I'm writing about into 'pronounced reality' is ... somehow ... broken. And that should also go for the other concerns I'm having.

Like so however was it so previously on the Matrix that the whole me vs. them issue got kicked onto another Level. So, to recap ...

12: 'We' started to be officially the bad guys
13: An example - where I tried to "play through" Neo's story but got caught up within issues and ... "replaced" ... in a way ... by Smith. Thats where I figured that this whole 'we are the bad guys' thing is a bit more serious.
14: Is where it got more tight, ... with I guess the statement being something like "we're not letting go of it" and ... poor little Neo looking ... a lot like a poor little Neo.
15: Oh yea. I had to scroll down to remember. Yea. The whole Transformers thing. And the Neverending story. Also the whole DJ Genki Dharma issue. And closing a loop on some YouTube stuff I had to re-record. The Transformers thing is first of all like a Nail in the Coffin giving a great example of how 'the Matrix' can turn one thing into another. Its simple though. In the end one is free to interpret anything into everything. The music simply provides a narrative to help it out a little. On a side-note would I suggest that this DJ Genki Dharma issue was a real one. At least for me, ... focusing on the "this is Big Bro, taking over the show" track; Which to me at first seemed like it is one 'they' provided as an example of what I did, making it look like it doesn't fit in with the rest. While however "starting" the Neverending Story show with it there's something of a ... 'lock' on them tracks. Tracks that I made - which I say since I suppose that they might have upgraded some to generate a greater disparity between my and their story.
16: I have to say that Nosferatu was creeping up on my mind frequently. This time I did it, and yea - without its audio but we got back around to that later and it was awesome. I had watched the Witch just shortly prior and since also had an urge to write about it and also to feature it on the Matrix Phenomenon. I was in-deed looking for specific moments, though rather trying to also not really spoil the whole movie. So, it was a bit like hit or miss. What bothered me was that there are previews when moving onto the timeline. Though sometimes when skipping around in the matrix I'm looking for specific moments that I eventually miss; I find it extremely distracting when I can see exactly where I'm going. What I didn't know ... but suspected ... kindof happened. The moment where the boy dies for instance. I couldn't know that some DMX track would play round about there - but I yet expected it since it would make sense. It turned out differently than I expected, but yea. To the ending, well. Its a bit confusing - but I think what works out fine is the interpretation of ... well. Taken slowly: In the matrix there's the confusion that arises from the idea of being the bad guy that in a different context I were Neo. And me doing these things 'wrongly' would make Smith the threat - like ... representing my mental illness. This is essentially circumvented by 'the Witch' since here we can manifest - as per context - me for the Witch and her dad for the bad guy. Who gets his final blow as Smith disintegrates, while the first blow co-incides with Neo being hit. Its a two in one thing thats hard to sort out I guess and this difficulty persists in what was to follow.
There is the Pandra scene where the issue stands that "this female Character" takes over the form of Neo. That would be the first explicit moment I think where the "we are the bad guys" concept is "hijacked". The loss of this 'hijack' would also co-incide with the Machines gaining ground in Zion which so firther tightens ... "the Witch construct". Lets call it that way. Or not. I feel like my suggestions never make it. Anyhow ...
Being a little bit clueless after 'this is the end' - which was kindof projected like an end to the struggles - ... oh. The end to revolutions with the Witch in the background was kindof eerie. Wasn't it? Anyhow. So I went back to Genki Dharma to get closure on this within the Matrix and ... also with some Hentai. As it stands it could be reviewed as a game of chances - although because I do it, it isn't quite that. The point was simply to see what'd happen - and I surmise that it stands as based on the Witch Construct that this 'Darkness' may now stand.
For me 16 was simply 'announced' in a way that I would do Porn, but I still wasn't into it right away. But as that truth in me gained ground I was more and more comfortable with it. The Conan thing also gave me some strength and in this supposed Chaos of interpretations (although there's the cone thing) is a clear "I can do this, and you?" thing. Just so as a hint at what the "game" actually is about. This ... me vs. them thing. Which should be important as we're getting deeper into the rabbits hole.
Then at some point we got to the "final take-over" with this amazing Smith appearance where Neo got turned ... sotospeak ... into a Angel Blade (Punish) Character. Which then also allowed me, to my self, although yet in hindsight, be more into porn. So in 16-4 I started with no porn and gradually turned into porn until we have that Urotsukidoji Event which hypes up the Witch Construct to the point thats fitting to what I've written about Clarity.
17: I gave it 3 revolutions so the Matrix could comment on that - sotospeak. Once again however expanding on the Witch Construct, where ... I would point onto Katsunis Bride scene in Pornochic 12 as a very decisive moment. To my surprise was the last revolution more about my Gender - to basically put an emphasis onto my own position. So, pussy over cock - while, the thing with the long kiss goodbye to last for a lifetime is sortof what I've been expecting as well; Though I generally found it to be problematic to write about it.
Was I missing something in 16? Well. The Illuminati, Bond and Werner thing maybe. A funny segment on probabilities I suppose. And for Bond ... getting a bit of a Deathpool (breaking the 4th wall?) thing going. I can't look into it - as to whether the tracks also still line up with the rest of Illuminati. But since the Bond segment was a bit iffy at times I suppose so. Its a question ... whether, or how much, the tracks follow me or are fixed. I'd say ... "its all in the Matrix".
Well, anyhow - also true for 17 the 'rape' issue was touched. Not that anyone with a brain would suggest otherwise, but rape clearly is bad; Though not in all circumstances. Well, it isn't where its consensual. Its a stupidly simple issue, but yea - it keeps on coming up and gets kicked out as well. So in 17-3 finally we have it that the rape issue is brought to a climax due to some Hentai flick thats really explicit - and gets treated miraculously well through two Stargate episodes. One where O'Neill and Carter end up in Antarctica (the Gate switch) and the other where this business guy clones an Asgard. Once saying that we can take the movie as the Asgard without consciousness and make it host to an Asgard consciousness. We can look at it both ways, sotosay. In the one way its clearly bad - in the other we can look at it but have to be careful. Well, its ... corrupted either way. In the bad way it imposes the justification that it'd be good for both of them - which in turn would be the argument on the good end but we'd criticize the conduct. The gate switch is just another way of saying that. There are two possible stances.
And yea. For the question for whether the Matrix Phenomenon could further expand on the Witch Construct without Porn, the answer was Married with Children! And fun fact - Kelly Bundy, fashion wise, has been one of my idols back in the days where the show was on Air. "Prototype".
Hmm, regarding Stargate there's also the Reese thing. Its a bit edgy/iffy, but it still sortof expands on the Witch Construct.

So, with all that it so has happened that in the Me vs. Them issue the Matrix has shifted in my favor; As the situation so is that whenever the Matrix is positive on them Heros it goes to confirm me in my nature; Thus ... making it so that if they were to claim that hero role furtheron it goes on to turn them into Bitches.

What we can expect is another Married with Children segment, because ... 17-2 crashed at some point projecting that, ... while else we can look at it like a Prophecy - thinking of my Prophetic function being that of doing the Matrix thing rather than writing of what I believe in; Where the confirmation of my clarity gives me a strong leeway as for all the things that go into that. Otherwise one might go to look at it as a simple reflection about what I believe in, free of right or wrong, ... and as that is a stance that can be maintained no matter what we're back at the original problem. Who is who, what and why? And all that.

Although I see nothing in this world that should make me feel any confident ... I still ... perceive other things in the realm of the spirit, motions, whatever - suggesting that they are at an end. The line in the sand has turned into a canyon. They would be upset because according to them, I'd be supposed to pick stuff to go in their favor - making me wonder: How? One issue is that even if it so happened just to give you an example of how it could look - they wouldn't take it as an example. I suppose. Probably causing 'an escalating probability of disaster'. Or something like that. If the Matrix so stays persistent on not making such 'for instance' things "anymore" - staying on its course - gives it a way to be more than just a fancy phenomenon. Or, as what the Phenomenon implies, being a ... while still factually profane but yet ... "interesting" thing. I mean ... we can't break the rules here - and it all stands on what you imply as how this whole thing works and comes together. And the more "sacred" it so becomes by keeping a straight line, the more "profane" is also turns out to be to those that don't want to or yet can't see it the other way.

So the issue of thinking of a message within the Matrix Phenomenon is a bit iffy, although certainly inevitable beyond a certain point. Else there wouldn't really much of a point to keep going aside of simple repetition and consequential growth. Which is I think where I default back to; Although I'm now basically stuck between more options than just three movies.

At the point of thinking of a message the lucky thing is however that the messages the Matrix can provide are indirect. The black and white vintage movie in 17-3 for instance portrays, at some point, some journey which we again can project as going into two directions. One good, the other bad. And at that point we're basically back, in all simplicity, at what a movie is or can be there for. Simple reflection. And at that the issue stands that it says what I said - thinking of our freedom, of tolerance, of progress - along this ... blurry line of morality and ethics. Which to me is really one of the most important things at all. As the whole of my clarity story implies anyway. Its not as simple as "Sexual Harassment" vs "Freedom of Speech". I mean - just thinking about it ... makes me feel more stupid. How is that even a 'vs'? OK, it is. But what is the accuser demanding? Thats the pivotal problem. We need a cultural change - while - more to the point, if being more dramatic, rooting out the bad from the good. But how do we do that? In John Olivers piece he interviewed that lady, ... and she wouldn't see the problems solution at changing the woman. And while I can see the truth in that, I can also see the flaw in that. Its as with mobbing. Guys are getting mobbed - but what can they do other than learning how to deal with it? Its a great conversation to be virtue signaling - but none on which we could make actual progress. Its always going to be about censorship vs. freedom of speech - or otherwise tyranny vs "democracy" in the broadest sense. Later down the line we'd have to wonder about which way 'we' would wanna go. Sacrifice Democracy because it failed or improve upon our values of what Democracy should truly mean - going the other direction.

And at the core of it, this conversation is so far apart from the contemporary common sense vision that insanity rules in behalf of virtue signals that the average person is conditioned to support because most people are decent people!

Its all about taking a personal stance, but one has to be careful about whom to stand on an issue with. In lots of ways can one stand with me - and although I'm not directly supporting any SJW items one can see how doing so would support those core interests. Although practically we still see the more important issues on the Anti_SJW side. They can so more easily stand on my side, but with the very same issues also stand on a completely opposed one. Further: While it seems that I stand with rape and misogyny, nobody should stand on my side; But when learning where the line is drawn, I don't stand with rape and misogyny in that sense yet fiercely against it - so nobody should stand opposed to me on that one actually. Because simply are there things that would seem sexist that shouldn't be regarded as that. Like ... (humor on, "somehow") 'having a penis'.

"Amen, my words into Gods ear" ... well, last time I checked ... thats what we say ... isn't it?

Else, ... well. I ... it seems like I should write about last nights dream I had. Which ... coincides with another thing. I mentioned that I get primed somehow before I have interviews; And since then things sortof changed a little. Now there is this odd thing that told me that in three weeks from now or whatever I'd say that I no longer am a Slut.
Well, in tonights dream I started playing Ark again and there was a building that I deconstructed which apparently belonged to my first big Love, Anna. Anyway. It got a lot more crowded and at some point there was a bit of an issue about her and me eventually getting along again somehow. Somehow playing into this Love idea, that she and I might get together again. So there were emotions around in the dream that I'm not having in reality; Though I suppose if I were in the same room with her ... who knows?
I mean - as far as I'm concerned I suffer some Stress Disorder to which she isn't without relevance. And to totally spin this out of ... thing ... there's the totally other issue of my Kinks being manipulations of some sort. Or, my Kinks/Clarity being actually a symptom of me secretly loving ... who to me would be the Antichrist. The ending of Kill Bill, where Bill expresses his disability to believe Beatrix comes to mind there too.
This on the other end is present to me by an attitude that would want to make me believe that connected to a layer of ... something ... that, well, ... suggests him as a gentle person to me. Its like a mantle. It isn't there always, but sometimes it wraps around my core and comes with this picture of him resting his hands on my shoulder - appearing all strong and supportive. And thats a problem to me. The Matrix so far went to put it as "we're just good friends". Making it clear that the freak in me is satisfied by the great Manitu personally. "By the way". Where the Antichrist would instead go to hijack my expressions of that relationship and imply that he's the one they're aiming at.
The situation is simply so: Technically I could fall for him/them by starting to value what they put upon me as impressions of them. They could go as far as trying to make me believe that these impressions are symptoms of a suppressed Love. Or you. Trying to make you believe that, or such.
The problem there is that the things which so happen to be apparently good are actually functionally evil.