[Of converging with the Darkness and Evil]
I once invented a Name for the Father; Abayan; And that moment ... a figment ... appeared. Lusting for it. Prolonging it. Digging on me so that I might give this name to him. I declined. Yet ... it went on. It continued. And soon - I'm not sure which - it continued with threats. Not against me, but against whom I Loved ... and I became weak and did as it requested. It wanted to take me from behind. It did - but soon I felt deceit; Yet I felt dirty, dirtied, ... the name ... tainted. The relationship to my Father, the Father, ... well ... apart of stains it seemed all just well.
Soon enough God was familiar to me by ... well ... a strong growth of hair on his back. And I loved it. It was cozy. Weird ... it should seem ... and in deed, we'll be getting there.
So time passed by and I had started to prostitute myself. I felt like I wanted to be a part of it but just wasn't. I wondered, worried - and the thought of praying to the devil entered my mind and started to nourish itself on my attention. However I tried to repel the idea, it seems as though I was sliding down a slippery slope without anything to hold me. The only thing that I could do was to assure that I wouldn't ... "do the bad thing" per se. Making sure that I wouldn't betray God.
Thereafter, that hair - once so cozy, a happy place like a wonderful forest - turned vile. Sweaty. Sticky. "Ugh" - Nasty. And it made me sad.
Before all that - I once smoked some weed. It was in the Philippines. I had it from some guy. I didn't know another way to smoke it but to take the sticky piece of an envelope to build a joint. I smoked it. Soon thereafter ... I felt like dieing. And I prayed to God to please keep me alive and in return I'd want to be the best Christian there has ever been. Thats where I heard a voice speaking "John, You know that I'm there for you!".
Much later I've been in L.A. at some point. I believed my Love for J.Lo was meant to be. Love ... ... how much ... ill has it brought upon this world?
I once woke up having dreamt of a girl and I knew I wanted to Love her. I prayed to God "please". Later that day I succumbed in the doorway - and vacuum cleaner was presented to me where I had to flip a switch. On or off. Whatever I did - it rang at the door later that day. Two girls stood there that I had never seen; And the one told me that I'm not a man and that she'd be off doing more evil than ever before.
I was in Love with J.Lo and wondered ... what to do? I wrote her a letter and wrote of my desires of submission. Like in a dream it so was that there had been a guy with a crown - and I could have been his ... I suppose. I'm not entirely sure, ... but I didn't want it. Maybe it was me who damaged this toilet ... because I had to in order to consolidate my choice. Not that I remembered much of it.
Everything I did seemed cursed. Could it be ... . My Half-Sister once had me swear something on the Bible. Something I knew I broke, and in return ... something with thorns around my hands ... should happen.
While I was prostituted ... I saw a lot people come and go. Near the end of my time there, ... I stole 25 bucks. While later I was accused of having taken 50 or 75 ... it doesn't matter as it however had been the end for me. I almost stumbled down the stairs, tripping over however once, ... it was a bit as though I got shoved.
There are a lot of strange things I went through. One more I just remembered ... is that I once fell asleep. I was a child. I guess I had listened to some Bible Story Audio Cassette. And in that dream - I think - I was told about my future. About what I am here to do.
I just told the latter ones because ... well. When else might I share them? Well - I did. I might.
Frozen ... . It seems to me as though I'm stuck. Stuck between condemnation and salvation. In some weird limbo. Be it on my way to heaven as some rift to hell opens up; Or on my way to hell with a ray of heaven shining at me.
So well. I quit working in the Red Light, was on the streets; And met even more of those people I had met before in NYC and LA. With one I ended up joking about how far we made it. Unemployed, sitting in a shelter. After some time I had my own room - I was busy with my own stuff - and ignored what friendships I had made. One ... left angrily. Understandably. I felt I didn't have the time.
... I was in LA and attended a sermon. It was in a park and I got to them near the end. The two that had held it asked me about me. Then they prayed for me, that my feet might find the right path and gave me 20 bucks.
... I was in LA and visited a Mormon municipality. Thereafter I went out looking for a post office and ended up wandering around aimlessly. I got thirsty and thought of begging for money, but I felt ashamed ... and unlucky. I asked anyhow - but, I maybe got 25 cents and was demotivated. I sat down in some shadow and inwardly said to God that I'm thirsty. Then ... a preacher who was preaching in the park came to me and told me that I'm going through a need. I jokingly replied that "Yes, I'm thirsty" - but he offered me 20 bucks for listening to his story. Or were it 10?
He was about to commit suicide once. Standing on the Bridge already, thinking that nobody loves him. And it is then where a voice spoke to him from within, telling him "I do". He didn't understand at first - but as he realized that it was Jesus he felt His Love coming over him. Or something like that. And thats basically how or why he became a preacher. And I call that 'the Testimony of Christ'. A ... simple 'epiphany' whereby the truth of Christ is simply put ... 'ignited'.
"The Witch" is a movie that I just watched. From the first moment I had to think about what it was that made me watch it; After I had seen that it wasn't rated all that well.
As I said - I quit my work, had a room, lost a friend; And it was there in my desolation that again ... Satanism would call upon me. I was lost in thoughts of Monica; Confused, wondering about her reality; And I was told that I would have to become a Satanist. The picture of swimming in a public bath, filled in candle light and crowded with people dressed in black was in my mind.
I tried to resist, but my heart turned sore. I saw the way - that it would suit my lifestyle, or my desires more to the point; Things I believed were from God, but diminished in their quality due to constraints of the Biblical Light. I thought it would have to be, as a play per se, a bridge for the mind; But still I resisted. My heart turned black. Splinters of black, tar covered glass striking through it. Just the thought of "making the step" made it go away. Maybe I didn't cover all the options?
I did it however. If it was a sign between right and wrong - it shouldn't go away for something thats wrong!
It wasn't easy to get my head into it. To cut off all the strings to fully dwell in the truth of this Satanism.
What happened is that I sunk deeper and deeper. Found myself a Goddess, craving for life in the Abyss. But powers? Magic?
The Witch is a movie about a Christian family that gets excommunicated from their village and moves out into a wild. They find a place, build a farm, but soon get haunted by a witch - and nothing they try does any good at stopping her. Higher Powers, Forces of Nature, ... all that misses between Mysteries and Sciences is knowledge.
I wonder of my life, my words, my story - everything, my status, my role, ...; And that I despite having experienced miraculous things - and so so at least once every 6 days these days - my life is so ... much not "like that". How little I know. ... Although when moving from picture to fantasy, 16 is quite accurate. Amazing!
I have to think about what I want to write about and must realize that I can't. Sex ... prostitution ... it seems like a cure to my problems. "Do what you dream". But oh my, thats another story.
Anyhow. I have to realize that a lot of crazy comes from misjudging the truths of reality. Clearly. We might look at the bads of 'panic' and see how irrationality causes problems where rationality could solve them. And its about the 'could' rather than the 'would'.
Hmm ... I had a dream once. Watching Matrix Revolutions on Loop for days ... I once slept and dreamt of being in the movie. So I woke up in the back of Niobes car, basically. So, I was sitting there in the back of that car in the dream, and woke up seeing the car on screen. And the 16-2 moment at just a little while ago (2:51) triggered it; The train bit - as that had been in the dream too, sortof.
Well, that somehow concludes the 'Paranormal Activity' I can record. There are dreams; And I think about keeping a dream record of sorts. I had prophetic ones that I understood as such in hindsight and I regard them as too cryptic to be of any worth other than that of looking back and understanding some sort of synergy between dreams and reality. And similarly I look at fortune telling. Fortune telling is similarly "a lie" in that it creates an illusion of ... not choice ... but the opposite while in the meantime suggesting some sort of control one might have. Irony, it seems.
About that though, to address the elephant in the room, ... I suggest its everyones own ... fault? Why is this word creeping up in here? Well - you take what you can and see what you will. Or ... 'as you' ... see what you will. You're looking for something and if it ain't the truth - well, you might see it but still not get it. If we are so without free will and perfectly victims of a semi-deterministic universe ... uh, whats the semi there for? Lets say we behave just as the configuration of our minds allows us to - "perfectly unfree". It is so ours to 'feed' our minds with the proper stuff so it would dig the right thing and do the right stuff, going the right ways. And well, ... 'truth' shouldn't come without some sort of lack of freedom. Its kindof, well, its purpose! Like in a math test. You are free to put whatever answer to any problem - but thats kindof ... not how it works!
As for the other elephant, or elephants ... well. As for this - I see two ways. There's the one of my clarity and stuff about freedom, peace, truth and love. Things that 'the enemy' would understand to package in a way that would have one suggest they can give you better than what God does. And I think thats one item at the center of "the age old struggle" between good and evil. The other is simply about the ... bad I did.
Or ... proposed bad.
? I however understand that God likes us and wants us to be free. And I yet see freedom in slavery. I have this thing ... which in simplicity has me regard this "alternative" as above other possibilities. I so keep writing on my software and get a positive feeling from aiming at finishing it. But if one were to give me the alternative by so for instance purposefully laying waste to it - I find it hard to resist. And thats just a thing, which I at other points regard as possibly deceptive.
God knows why you did what and everyone has to come around recognizing the own faults. Whether they be serious or trivial flaws. We can't overcome them on our own. On the other hand do we need to totally understand ourselves to better realize in how far God supports or interferes with our own freedom.
I so had a way before me - a way I might have moved further on had I not had that tight relationship with the Most High. In hindsight I must find myself pushed back upon it again - while God seems to care about me doing it so as though I had done the "wrong" thing for reals. I suppose its some kind of ordeal that is to put me into the right conditions so I might fully be a part of the world that I suppose is my 'home'. So, the realm of Darkness to be some more explicit.
At the core of it is this weird conflict of worshiping and Gods identity. As I was doing those 'wrong' things I had thoughts on my mind that wouldn't let me reconcile with God. So, I did a 'wrong' and due to that my relationship to God was tainted. I so had to be on my way and basically negate those thoughts in order to find peace again. Let it be time or a specific insight. Well, time would bring the insight.
Now, when trying to assume that all of us are to follow the same 'normity' of divine expectations - uhm. We can draw a cone. Bottom ring being us as a whole; And there's so another ring resembling a layer of rules we all can sit well with - moving towards a point at which our individuality faults us from being uniform. In the idea does this goal also negate our individuality. To draw the cone now the other way, do we have to find God in the center as point that illuminates our individualities which in so are a first ring on that cone. And as how shadows are cast our individualities project as a hologram along their 'lines'.
Well, that means ... or rather so implies ... that every one in a while "my core" - basically 'resets'. That means that I for instance gather up "dirt" in the shape of anything that resists my core identity. In that regard I by the way think I have ... what amounts to 'dirt collectors'. Then through how the line intersects with me, here and there Light "masses up" gathering so as thoughts that directly dissolve the dirt. This is when I move back into what I have built up by my "deviant self" - and I still have to let myself slip back into it, which again masses up "deviant self". A component that directly intersects with my realizations of God. Anyway. The strongest weight in this is "frontal awareness". "Thy self before your eyes in the presence of God". 'True Self' as "bottom to the core" as it gets. The own shame exposed before God. This is where I 'get cast into darkness' or 'fall into darkness'. Likewisely does God hold my bondage insignia to me, while sometimes He giveth Light and sometimes He giveth Dark.
Eventually Light came in the shape of dark.
And that inter ... mingles ... with my idealization of it. Or ... its synergy with my core ideology.
I so then start to Lust for things - and while I regard my pleasure as overwhelming I still can't get enough of it. Sometimes the gates are closed - thats where I can have enough per se - and other times they are opened. Here I'm bound to search for things to further consolidate my ideology.
Now, in regards to the witch we find that final moment where she had spent some time pondering in her desolation and ultimately chose to try out what black Philip could do. Thinking about it, we can find that the odds are in his favor. If she returned to the civilized world and told that a witch killed her family - "entropy" would suggest that sooner or later she'll be regarded one. Be it direct distrust or maybe the lack of faith in something such as witches. Now, classically the way of Christ is that of suffering through it. Which is where we would find ourselves in, with maybe no such thing as an alternative. In the movie we so find a turning towards a thing as a turning away from something else - though the turn itself ... . Probably her fate had been turning during the story. While looking for the right thing, she had been cast into despair which she had to suffer through. She then maybe conceived the Light of Christ for ill. Well so, by judging the people it created. And due to her initial prayer, God would now look for a way to show her His light. In this projected instance her so fiendship towards "them Christians" is in line with Gods criticism towards them. This we can now see as an affiliate of the Light, but still can also be generalized as affiliated to the Dark. While they with one foot might stand in the Light, it is in its state however yet still a false ideology with its own fiendish outgrowths towards the Light. The very Light they claim to stand with. By letting her turn into a witch, God on one end redeemed her from those chores while also giving her ... something. Becoming a predator maybe that feasts on corruption.
So we can now think of the 'sanctity' of the Light - the cliche where creatures of dark are, in the core, inferior to the Light - as for once protection of the kind, but in some other way also a line on which to find true allies. In the same can we so now impose the concept of 'synergy points' specific to a specific way of life or ideology or something - where Good and Evil can exist as the same. Its maybe "the age old tale" of good vs bad wishes. "Karma".
There then is so the issue that the girl turned away from Christ - superficially at least - which within is more an issue of how we package things to quasi "turn aroundst them". We can so take the 'general concept of God and His Law' and turn it away, or be more specific in what nature it is that we are repelled by. Here I have it so that God in the Light and God in the Dark come from two different angles. One is Light and just pure - the other is specifically Lust. I know the two for one but in their presence one usually outshines the other. And so to me it is true that I serve no other purpose than being a 24/7 sex-slave. I can't - resist rape. I must not want anything else. These things are true in an eerie sense - though still I can't but value and uphold the sanctity of the act; Drawing the Line ... where it ought to be drawn.
So it for instance is sometimes ... "difficult" ... to see myself as Gods bride. Not difficult to find and know and truly feel, but difficult to feed with weight as my situation in this role is still that of being a whore to Darkness. Yet the truth therein isn't solely fictional either. At a point in time I would have been more resistant to letting this be - ergo my situation in the realm of darkness was practically negative. So eventually things I did while mingling with the Light created a "spirit of sin", as though physical defiliation would generate a 'body of sin'. My 'weight' in these 'vessels' however is different from time to time. They resemble a perfection of myself that is partially fixed - thus being an ideal. Built by my ideals, prolonging them and procuring them.
Idols further come in shape of "objects" that 'fix' certain things into ... condition. While so dwelling in the dark - there were no rule of any kind but that of chaos. Chaos emergent around a Light that separates its nature from Order. Chaos finds an order within the negatives to that Light and becomes Evil. Evil now so becomes a "God" - in the sense that it sheds a Light of Order into the Chaos of Darkness that people can attach to. And so does the Light have control upon Evil.
For beings of the Light to dwell within this Darkness, they need to be able to synergize with its principles of co-existence with the Universal truths. These would now however not be inspired by the order of Light while aligning to an order of Darkness. That to so speak of the underlying sense. The divine Light as it shines in and out of ... "the Matrix". So are there desired things and respectively a desire for tools to procure them. Tools maybe more in the sense of guiding principles. So is there the concept of Sin which in itself has a way of synergizing with the Light. There so is the saying that each rule has its exceptions. Now is so the idea of sinning not practically Evil while understanding what may have to be excluded. This issue is then simplified once putting those concerns aside while firstly speaking of consensus. There so be a rule that one is to subscribe to - and by doing so they consent with its consequences. As I so consent to being a slave I automatically imply a certain rule of disrespect which within the overarching construct it is a norm defiant to 'the Light' while established in its own context as higher. So, the Light shines more through the constructs within than it does as its own and thus realizes this rule to those that have become a part of it. What I consented to goes far beyond simple slavery however. But well. Simply put may I suggest that as I'm driven by THE Lust I may find myself a medium to it. By it I fix myself into a position of synergy with it, as to so eventually become a pure expression to it. While I'm doing it internally, the bonds are yet getting tightened.
Bonds of romance have changed slightly over time - but at its strongest part they have grown and tightened following my ideals. So while there yet is a male identity I could speak of that has its own ideas of romantic synergy, it has become weaker and weaker. Within it I find a source of peril - which however is specific to sexual connections. This doesn't amount to my every-day being that is free from those restraints. It is that however not by their absence, but within their presence. Where, ... an implied overarching social context dominates in its own.
What Evil I have in me is further based upon Lust as well. Here Lust procures an 'expansion of pervertedness' into realms of darkness. So, ... Evil to procure Evil. Driven by Lust. Here Evil is as aligned to its own right co-existing with the Light. So it isn't evil in the Literal sense, though still so in the order of things.
Specifically my desires there converge around an ideology - surmised to procure "the specific gist" of their ... expression. Thereby I find myself in a fantasy setup that has been drafted around certain ideals, over time generating something such as a picture. There so is the Evil in the order which I'm entitled to since I'm part of the darkness. Sin is to Evil as a Sail is to the Wind, ... and based on my Lust the kind of Sin I procure is sexual in nature. As through my position as slave the side I see myself on is the victim, where my ideals to procure evil now extend along this synergy - and there things mingle in an area where submission and dominance have a different order to them. So is there that part of the/a desire which is in inherently dominant, though another one - the expectation - is submissive. It can be very active - as is the nature of this - as so there is a dominant wanting and a submissive craving. Dominant or Submissive to the ideal. So the desire aims at specific things while the expectation lusts for specific outcomes. In my case that what I 'want' procures sinning of a kind while my 'expectation' craves to be its victim.
This so is a tiny amount of dominance within my system, where now my Lust aims at being fixed in a way that circumvents it.
The situation here is circumstantial but not without any prolonging from my end. Circumstantial is to say that I at first had nothing about it - yet is there so this imposed layer as part of the consequences wherein I am to describe myself. On the other end to I inherently aspire higher degrees of "conflexion" with the Light, where now fantasies that would imply some social surrounding also need to make sense. In that there so are lower and higher orders - where logically there be those on top. And so is "the fall of the Valkyrie" simply put, if I may put it like that, an exposure to her inward nature.
I so basically further retain my innocence in that I may only truly prolong evil without any power to do any more than that on that behalf. So, seeing myself as victim, in the sense of procuring that situation, is already as much of it as generally present. And since my evil is so basically just my own "nature" there is that part which loves to be regarded as 'sow' for instance - as it converges with the truth in that bit. And so by simply being that I can retain my evil inside of me as simple compliance with these circumstances.
My dirt collectors make it so that I grow resistant to these things devoid of any means to truly resist them. But well - eventually that comes down to the intermediate reality where conditions don't need to align with their desired surroundings.
What I want for myself is also a matter thats more complex than simple definition. I so may only want rape, but part of what we associate to self and becoming goes beyond that. Character for instance. Here part of myself is driven by Evil - where my desires for being an innocent slut essentially require an amount of 'force by order' to say, basically redeem me from my ... personal aspirations. At least ... all that which defies the definition.
Still however whatever grows there is a part of the being.
Yet so is 'the Blasphemer' - we might say - the highest degree of sexual submission and bondage. My blasphemy thereby isn't direct - as everyone is simply tied to the conditions.
And so there must be things to create conditions.
As are there. Like LUST. We further however require more. Lust is vague - in itself - and furthermore gains shape through the /inflicted/. Love then also mingles around these concepts and matters over perception and bondage may have a hand at driving things into matters over property. I so feel glad to be property as I feel glad over my owner to be able to refer to me and relate to me as such. And so I'm also bound to be happy with the consequences thereof. Where now the social order in place is set to drive things in everyones own favor. As I so desire further exploitation are those that I belong to setup to further exploit me, in turn being there for their own desires in it. Be they personal or as by order. What I subscribed to however being generally. Drawing a shape wherein individuals have to unfold. Or may. Want to.
On the other hand is it Love for each other that creates our own intimate spheres of pleasure.
While the consequences so however shape me, these things though ultimately align to them as well.
There so to my situation is a feeling of daunt to it. Its simply the nature of consequences that we're not in control of all of it. Thus we're lucky if we can adjust to a higher force that understands how to settle things to come by wonderfully. What daunt I have easily transforms into ecstasy and is what you might regard as odd about me. Or suicidal. Crazy. Insane. Because of my ways I know no other way of putting it. All items are tilted into a certain direction, causative to a higher picture, ... hence there is no escape. And thats daunting. Seeing how the social pressure transforms me into something that I am not - but pretty much would love to be. Thats where my hope rests in. Or my 'lifes elixir' if you so will. There's a slim line between a feeling thats deeply curing and grim darkness. And utter despair? Those words just so dropped into my mind.
It feels like a jab to my side. Reminding me of the spear thrust into that of Christ.
How to traverse it - that however couldn't be up to just me.
What reliefs the daunt from me is the understanding of how I would get there. That I would at every step towards it not only want it, but furthermore deeply enjoy it. If that means "Good by Agoraeyah", then I have made my peace with it. While I still can doubt it and think of certain things such as that certain things just are and can't be perfectly circumvented - I may surmise that whatever I'll need will still be present in that case.
It ... has to be.
And so I think we're all naturally driven to our centers of converging with the Light. The better we understand it, the more we'll get out of it; As the closer we can be with God!