[Complex Stress Disorder]
Today I learned about myself that the reason why I couldn't see my paranoid schizophrenia as that, is that I suffer something more complicated and have learned to ignore my problems away. Understanding that I feel fine, I would sit on this idea and go on, pretending that there's nothing wrong with me. But today we had a class where I had to ponder upon my symptoms of depression; And initially I didn't find much. I was confused, having noted nothing, regarding what I was to understand as depression. But so I began noting, and I realized that my problems can be sorted into packages, all somehow under the hat of depression. So, there's the symbol of a traffic light. Red, Yellow and Green. Red are the main symptoms, Yellow for first indications and Green for what I regard as healthy. I believe I have written of this extensively enough - where, I realized, in this frame, that others had far more concrete ideas. Specific symptoms to specific occasions. I just had bullet points, vastly without connection to "reality" yet.
So, "cluelessness" is without connection whereas "underweight" is with connection.
I so wouldn't say that I have suicide thoughts because I don't plan on killing myself; Thus regarding what I have in forms of suicidal thoughts as not worth mentioning. But by fact they are still there.
The greatest problem yet is the one described recently, here/therein only noted as "deep scheming, heavy heart, sadness". The Anti-Depressives sortof acted like a glue, while what remained is to be described as a ring of fire. Its like an eclipse. The Anti-Depressives covering the dark sadness which here and there blaze beyond it like a corona.
And so I also find myself far more vulnerable or weak than I would have admitted.
I had to unearth a lot of myself - as though I inwardly covered myself in rubbles - while "classically" the first things I did in all this time was to get into my 'hobby' from a distance. I've so begun to code again while I also invented this:
new set of glyphs. Its something about how I assume something spiritual works.