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Social Justice Warrior

SidesteppingPosted by Nicole Mon, February 26, 2018 12:52:51

[Well, this is strange ...]


OK, lets ... discuss this a bit more straightforward. It shouldn't be strongly misunderstood if I present Anita Sarkeesian to you as someone that criticizes art/direction/concept choices in Video Games - and on that base we can move on and see how if Anita and co. were like all the Anti-SJWs we would have memes in the spirit "But I want muh Titties"; Throwing jabs at the immature gamer that fears that these mean "feminazis" want to take away their toys/fun.

Thats kindof the card that is being played by them it seems - as the term 'GamerGate' means two different things depending on which side you're asking. The best way to understand gamergate might be to see it as gamers having been provoked to be upset about games journalists. So, games journalists talk shit at gamers, gamers react unkindly, ... and then you have some professional victims that pick out the hostile comments (they may have as well planted themselves) to so use GamerGate as a buzzword spelling 'iniquity in the community'.
And then so there are prominent figures such as Sargon of Akkad that live in the gamer side of the story while being filled with comments that are easy to be taken out of context and represented as 'Alt-Right' narrative. Maybe because it 'is' Alt-Right propaganda. Which was one reason why Thunderf00t left the skeptic community I think.


I want to share something totally different with you. Once we're talking of sex in arts, ... I want to now at this point introduce you to an Artstyle that ... I'm sure some people will know what I'm talking about and it should come out that way. Otherwise you would have to spend some time looking for MILF and Futanari 'Hentai' Porn as its kindof more common around that. Otherwise focusing on 'big ass and big tits' should also do the trick. The general 'hint' would be to look for that kind of stuff thats like 'Dragons Crown' - looking at the female warrior Character. So - this artstyle overemphasizes certain body features - and applied onto the female body this strongly focuses on its "curviness". Its kindof ... 'un-aesthetic'/ugly ... but I've noticed that it strongly depends on your own mood. Maybe that mood is inaccessible to you - maybe its more of a mainstay to you. I'm somewhere in the middle; And to me - I would say that this is an artstyle that ends up being attractive when under strong sexual tensions. Those might be conflicts, ... but could as well only be distortions. The thing is that the value of this artstyle is ... well, ... "extremely fluid (LOL - pun not intended (yet welcome))" - and since the next step is to apply this on arts in general I might change the focus on an art-style I know the 'right term' for. Ahegao.

Ahegao could be considered an equally '"distortive"' art-style - yet so ocurring on a different level. While the aforementioned focuses on the physically whole, ... ahegao focuses on a specific psychological event. Essentially ... as giving those drawings a believable Character - a.k.a. Characters that only exist due to pornographic interests; Thus emphasizing the motif of 'enjoyment' that occurs within any situation imaginable.
So - in a sense can we all relate to the "Ahegao" expression, ... at least ... I guess ... 'a lot'. I wouldn't know about how it is in extreme cases of poverty though. Hmm ... OK ... 'taking THAT dump' ... you know? Or does that only happen to people that enjoy Anal intercourse too. Otherwise there is the 'hot bath'. The hot bath bears a resemblance in that an initially 'undesirable' condition turns into satisfaction. Its not 'undesirable' per se, but still flushes up as 'negative' in context to what we experience as 'normal'.


[back to the thing I was writing[taking a break:]]


So, 'abstract' or 'distorted' isn't to say 'unreal'. Its more unreal in the initial example though because it plainly focuses on the visual - the 'physical' - which doesn't really connect to reality. It more so connects to an individuals 'mind' - in a way that visual stimuli so do. So - as opposed to the classic 'Sex Doll' image - which has to appeal to a sense of aesthetics - does the 'milf' image here and there, as also futanari or furry, inherently imply certain deviations from that ideal which in turn can take 'shape'. In a sense does the 'milf' fetish for instance override the sense for beauty in that it then gets to be attracted to something else ... primarily - thus adding 'the ugly'. Chun-Li might be a good example as well. She's a Character thats due to being an idealized character within an iconographic universe of fiction inherits certain feats of beauty. "All Characters are Perfect". Chun-Li now however has the 'added' trait of extremely strong legs - and while the 'beauty standard' is 'utmost perfection' (idealized/iconic) there is no way to make 'perfect legs' 'more perfect' - thus they here and there end up being "marginally over-emphasized".
So does abstracted Porn eventually end up over-emphasizing certain things which ... well, on further inspection complement a womens imperfection. So - not too hard to see: Being attracted to 'abstract' beauty is a clear deviation from the 'stale beauty standard'. I would further go an argue that certain 'milf fantasies' clearly focus on a "curve over perfect proportions" for instance ... in a way that for instance works well with a 'oedipus complex' - but not only. Whatever now someone is attracted to, there should be some sphere of abstraction ("ugliness") wherein a person may see these things being satisfied.

Identifying with such images ... well ... isn't all that 'simple'/'narrow' either.

Of course does a games avatar lend itself to the gamers fantasy as something to identify with - but when given sufficient distance there are those things individuals independently gravitate towards. So, instead of then picking someone from 'a' franchise - one would end up picking from 'many' franchises. I'm here inspired by what I'm currently watching, a Mega Man Zero 3 speedrun (AGDQ 2018). So ... thus and therefore ... looking at the Character 'Zero' from the Mega Man franchise. It should now be stressed that Zero is one of the more popular Characters - to say that Zero is one of those Characters a lot of 'gamers' (relative or absolute?) ... well ... 'value'. "Do can identify with". This is then the same 'group' of people thats being accused of being sexist. For some reason. Or are it just the devs that are supposed to get shamed?

The point is that furthermore is Zero now an icon to some - which we so can look at as a shell. In simplicity perhaps reflecting a desire to be a powerful warrior/adversary. "Power Fantasy" is a word that pops up here and there in such context.
Zero now further is 'iconic' vs 'abstract'. Its basically the invert. And it speaks to 'individuality' as within a framework of 'icnoic imagery'. So - following a sense of perfection (Mega Man X) there yet is deviation from "the beauty standard" - but still captured in the same sense of perfection.
Hmm ...
While the desire may appear as childish - it yet ends up being a reality. So, whether Zero performs as Antihero or Protagonist is here a matter of the individuals perspective. And Zero, by plain virtue of being a Character in a basically iconic video-game, also captures the 'iconicism' of 'the Video Game hero' pretty well. So, he doesn't deal with sexism or homophobia or any of that stuff - he deals with sprites and projectiles.

And spikes.

And such.

And if 'Sigma' is easy to you, ... well, "You're truly a gamer" - I mean, in the ... iconic sense.


Right? Although, ... maybe more on that later. Well - it depends. Speedrunning is ... somehow different to "casual" gaming. [And I would recommend watching races ... like, A Link to the Past or Mega Man X].


I now happen to have a collection of images wherein I find, to varying degrees, things I am attracted to and identify with; To varying degrees of abstraction or beauty. Sorting these things out properly is yet a bit of a problem - and the word 'sin' urges to my mind.

Is pornography a distortion of reality? Well - if it is, then ... from an arts perspective ... that should be good. Or ... how does it go? "Its Porn for crying out loud!". "Why are you wearing a mask?" "Why is there a pile of thatch?" "Never mind, lets fuck!". #PlotTwist!

And yea, porn is different. While this 'feature scene' may be famous - its famous 'art' - in general. But ... most wouldn't care to see that particular flick themselves because that isn't what porn is about!


The one thing here isn't to excuse the other. There is no reason for any one to do so. Its not bad to being attracted to beauty. It just happens to be a pretty common denominator while sure ... in the grand scheme of things does 'ugliness' have the greater meaning; But still in a way that revolves around centric ideals/"iconic imagery".

...

One of the more hilarious things I've heard about SJW outrage so far is one SJW article that criticized some game for being Transphobic - the catch though being that one of the people involved at creating the particular thing in question happened to be Transgender. Which simply 'shows' how much of an actual disconnect there is.

I don't feel being served by them. While 'arguably' they made it generally more acceptable I also feel that a lot of that tolerance is unwarranted or unearned. In a sense that this extreme progressivism widens the gap between those that are "woke" and those that aren't - where 'woke' could also be replaced with 'brainwashed'.
Uhm ... well. Its ... difficult. I won't say that it doesn't help. And for what its worth - I find myself on the same side of progressivism when it gets to shared ideals. Or goals. I mean - I can't not like/appreciate it - as either way I'd be or am ... routing my ways to contribute. And to be fair on judgment - we can't really look into peoples minds and tell of their ambitions, ... sortof. The thing is that this is true unless you do can look into peoples minds. Aside of that we can though generally say that instead of looking at ... others ... sigh. Hmm ... but yea, ... still. Whatever. But so can nobody (but those that can) really look into me for instance and tell me what my way should be - or ... tell what should be right for me. I can be into whatever - what mattered were whether my acts would be righteous or wicked - in the sense. Which is why I'm 'pro' DeepFakes. All the outrage about what it can cause is only based on immaturity. Literally. The fear of it being used to humiliate you is inherently implying some immature people that will join the act of humiliation. Beyond that its just an issue of what people are turned on by - and ... that isn't anyones issue ... basically. I mean, I've read one person that was 'hyped' for making "self fuck" porn ... I mean, ... slapping the own face onto some models and making it a VR experience. And I ... basically applaud that!

And then there is all the Nicholas Cage stuff.

But to get back at ahegao - well, it certainly goes as far as drawing that stuff into really dark stuff. Amputation and other acts of harsh brutality. And while I'm attracted to certain arts - such as this amongst others - ... well. Lets also take some time to say that the more I'm into something that creates a certain "fantastic environment" - the more I will find ways to identify myself in certain themes of it. Thats natural. I mean - we would individually look for ourselves; And in essence do we require certain environmental things to be 'given' for us to more specifically diversify ourselves. So, to extend our individuality we need images, and images generally fit into certain themes. ANd so, what is 'normal' here? A cocktail party? Tuxedos and Dresses - around a perfectly clean and cultured environment. Where - a general theme in BDSM culture is that someone who is Dominant should also know how it is to be submissive. And that above all is I guess how I came to respect certain individuals the way I did.
Though in certain cases I wouldn't particularly care! Its possibly a 'mainstream' vs 'substream' thin - or 'general' vs 'private'. Where - general is/can-be both - "public and private" - ... so, it should rather say 'concurrent vs esoteric'.

...

Anyhow. Thats my take on looking at this cocktail party - and due to 'cultured' eventually adding 'slaves/servants' - thinking of an image that shows a 'bad' vision ... and thinking of how that could work in Gods Kingdom ... if that were a question you'd have. Its ... all a matter of ... compliances - ... after Gods influence on the individual.

It is ... an issue. An "ongoing struggle" of whether I'm more myself or rather just a puppet of God. But this gets to be an unfair perspective as it a) mutes my ability to judge and reason for myself as most importantly b) Gods parental responsibilities thereby. Criticizing God for the things you think He does to me ... well ... gets to be a more general issue thats more between You and Him than something I should personally be bothered by. 'It isn't us that create the wickedness'.


Anyhow. ... I'm a whore and so I should find myself within environments that deal a lot with sexuality. And some environments are better than others. An action movie now suits the purpose less well than a porn flick. And a porn flick is potentially weaker than a set of images; And that because by an image collection the individual is more flexible. There then an evaluation into better and worse is already intimately tied to self-finding. And while my 'esoteric reality' to being a whore is 'strong' - there is a certain degree of phantasm to it. Uhm. There are things that I get to express which are hard to convey in a 'realistic' setting.
Its 'real' - but that in an inherently fantastic reality. The simplest things of all is mind-control. It ends up being real and therefore 'realistic' - but the reasons ... are still related to a fantastic environment.

Speaking of the initial 'exaggerated' "ugly" - there are things that I do feel generally more attracted to - uhm, I mean - while some things are more dependent on my mood - others speak of tensions that are 'normal' to me. Ahegao being amongst that. So, that is my 'internal character' - or a part thereof - as ... my situation as of the esoteric truths isn't much different to that of one of those Characters.

And because the value of these truths is vastly on the 'dark side' of the spectrum of legality the 'grand truth' is also respectively settled there. Its the 'norm' rather than the abstract - its what defines us. Or ... such.

When it gets to the outspoken Kink of 'self deprivation' does it so happen that defining myself through expressing my role as a victim by lustfully perpetuating it belongs to it. Which in other ways can also be regarded as consequence of what the esoteric truth makes of me realistically. Somewhat porn addicted.
Its due to a psyche that has comfort identifying itself within a sexual environment. So, ... I'm attracted towards what I'm prolonging for.

"Sex Sells" - as does beauty - because it unifies us within our abstractions. Beauty is restrictive - its a very specific ideal. And while essentially subjective - beauty is beauty. Extremely specific. So - forms of idealization manifest; ... and when attracted to something sexual the case happens to be that this attraction might correlate to an esoteric truth. So - speaking of sexy women, ... its an ideal - and a hetero male would be attracted to that. So, 'sex sells'. But as the beauty of a Character can be carried by 'esoteric values' - it can also speak of things that are perceived as beauty which aren't just about the beauty. So - Mega Man vs Zero - both are Robots/Androids ... "Battle Bots" - which is the core ideal - and the ideal that wrapped up within beauty ... works just as well as 'sex' - in terms of sales. Except that it is ... less universal.

So, what someone now happens to be attracted towards might be sexual in nature, but the person in mind wouldn't have to be extrovertedly that way. Maybe it shouldn't be. As, once the person were extrovertedly so - that would reflect in what else the person is attracted towards. So, people that are attracted towards intellect wouldn't be into the stereotypical 'stupid blonde' - but what this 'stupid blonde' happens to be 'in reality' is now someone that transfiguratively just isn't into "intellectual stuff" 'that much'. A person that minds other things. Or, what qualifies as intelligent? Talent on a certain matter?
Its ... whatever.
Whatever we see in something.

The thing is that in Lara Croft for instance you could see an ideal of beauty but also an ideal of intellect or competence. What side you now preferred - would reflect in your choices, but while Lara Croft were in a prominent spot chances are that its both. But if you're into the competence side more you wouldn't mind a less perfect version - sotospeak.


And thats what I think ultimately matters. How we individually connect to those important to us.


Now does my esoteric truth make it so that I'm compelled to be attracted to rape - and that to an extent that almost anything works. Once I get the feeling - which is rather frequent as of late - that I get fingers or toes removed ... it feels strangely satisfying.

But to be perfectly clear here: This is 'esoteric nature' - as: Not settled within realistic conditions. Or - just realistic in an abstract sense. So - there aren't any physical conditions that tinker with my conceived level of joy from given themes. We can say that 'physical pain' is coming to us at a 'consistent' rate - and that for reasons that then lead us to reactions of self-protection. This isn't the case in fantasy. There is no pain.
So - while arguably it doesn't matter - lets put it that way: My Kink would now imply that just torturing me to the point where I'm numb to the pain would 'tickle my fancy'. But thereby it so implies the/that situation where the pain no longer has any negative impact. Thats why I can dislike the idea of getting mutilated; While enjoying it just as much. And yea, there is the ... dopamine rush ... as well, I guess.

However ... on one side I could iterate on this by saying that the least I can expect, from sacrificing myself to that degree, is some kind of respect that foresees that to a 'relatively positive' end. However ... non-positive that might be.

But all this goes to imply that stuff like that would become actual habits.
In a sense.

But not ... absolutely.
Its not ... required.

Its ... the esoteric truth. It will want to be satisfied - but if this satisfaction can occur on an esoteric Level it won't matter so in the physical.


To the point where clarity becomes a farce?


Well. Thats ... a matter of perspective as well.
So - speaking objectively about it - removing all subjectivity - the situation stands that we can expect that there will be those compelled to offer themselves as sacrifices; And then respectively so that will be compelled to be attracted to that. Here we can imply an entirely conservative starting ground where both may find themselves reluctant. Both would inwardly hope for it to become a reality - but the same would also spark distrust, or ... fear. That goes to emphasize the process of decision making. The word 'compelled to' here is to emphasize the nature of this truth. It emerges from within as a truth defying our own decision making - it so imposes itself as a thing ... but it is whether we choose to acknowledge it or not. Neither so chooses the outcome they desire - they only get to express it at first. In the simplest of ways. This goes to say that a 'first date' for instance wouldn't happen on base of choosing to do anything ... but to meet the respective other. And ultimately a relationship should form. So - here this 'expression' isn't like offering yourself at or going to a market; except that it kindof is. However - within the esoteric reality the deeper meaning is yet that of establishing long lasting relationships. So, while the death of one person were now in the foreground - there is then more than just that one moment in their life. Like, how do they relate to each other leading up to that? Or how - ... at all? Figuring these things out would or should be a thing of its own - and a happy wedding would occur ... in form of 'having figured it out' - settled on a 'living'.
So there is the term 'cattle' - which belongs to my clarity - that goes to say that I'm property and ... stuff about slaughter and being food. But it also works without killing. It implies however that I'm a slave to someone else - and that would be part of how we related to each other. In a way thats mutually ... exciting ... to the point of a wedding.

For this to go any further ... a lot of things might have to be given.

If their sex for instance happens to become more and more extreme - and that on mutual passions/desires/ambitions/such - we could regard it as an inevitability. Social situations also would matter. How they flow and such. Further, ... the esoteric truth however makes it so that while I internally am encouraged to expose myself to rape as to be attracted towards getting snuffed, that does in first place 'fuel' my motivation to being in a given situation. Uhm, ... so - once the 'real sex' got to a less brutal 'end' - there yet were the esoteric truth that then drops in as fantasy. I would so 'still' be prolonging more hardcore stuff, dreaming of getting tortured to death, ... on top of how much of that lifestyle is being satisfied. I can so feel 'in sync' with my clarity - where the 'fantasy' remains a fantasy. But one that is in sync with my real life ... thus complementing the fact of its deeper/higher meaning. Ideal.

Thus, being so held as a slave that wants to get snuffed does, in this scenario, invoke the big 'if' ... the 'once' its ... happening. There is a prolonging for it to happen - where the slave now has a more intimate drive towards it than the dominant actors - I assume - ... uh, but anyway ... in simplicity is it so that 'reality' has a 'potential of satisfaction' - and how much of the esoteric it satisfies is up to God.


Clearly ... its well within reasonable that culture and clarity will converge at certain places. I mean - we would assume that clarity 'spawns' culture. Where I'm strongly gravitating towards one growing around ... 'dark sexuality'.


[taking a leave for now]


And - since we're at it ... I still perceive a vacuum ... something ... "left to be desired" - in some way. Well - I ... happen to be in conflict. With myself. My own psyche works against me. Here I want to make clear that I have a distinct idea on mind that I have to label as psyche. As for the lack of a better word. I might come to use different words for what could mean the same thing (spirit, mind, psyche) in an attempt to make better distinctions between certain aspects of it. That still leaves the 'general' term - ... .
For this scenario there are two words: psyche and mindset. Both happen to 'be spirit'. Or mind, ... . Consciousness. Spirit is however the 'desired term' to speak of the universal aspects of ... existence. The ... spiritual parts. So, spirit as substance, substance as mind - all is one - God is infinite. That sort of stuff. We are 'mind of mind' makes sense, but saying that we are 'spirit of spirit' is more universally comprehensive. As - 'substance of substance' is as 'final' as it gets.
Or superficial.
It is though the superficial that adds 'immense beauty' to reality. Think: The infinite forced into a shape. How can it express itself? Take a circle ... it is perfect ... but ... it misses an edge. An edge we know of a square for instance. A square too is perfect, ... but it misses a curve. Put the two together and we miss asymmetry. And with asymmetry we enter the vast space of ... fluidity.

So, my psyche here resembles the 'static' side of my mind. I guess we can settle on that. Its that 'what is' - what we can talk about 'most objectively' ... . Things we know about ourselves ... or can know about ourselves ... that are buried so deeply underneath all sorts of stuff that we became (as dependence, basically) that they become intrinsic to who or how we are.

And "because" "our mind is fluid" - this further comes with consequences (of given fluidity). So - emotions add up to that in that we have a conceived ideal which influences how we align to live - unto which things then get built ... as one thin that can alter "the state of the mind". There is a stage of 'unconsciousness' beyond which there is a stage of 'semi-complexity', ... entangled within 'semi-flexibility'. And 'the demand of form' is also a thing - I assume.


Now - mindset in contrast it the contemporary, and the contemporary 'at first' exists within Eternity. So - however we want to twist it, to look at it from multiple angles, Gods perspective is above all - and because God is one, there also is only 'one on top'. So is the immediate that where things do actively happen - 'the happening' - which is the essential thing about infinity ... as in a sense of there being everything, sortof. So, there at least is 'something' - and that something is eternal. Else, where did it come from?
It requires itself basically.
Anyhow - God reigns upon all happening, ... where in the big picture we are as speckles of dust. Just a small portion, seemingly, of things there can be - though in another sense everything that is can in some sense be attributed with life - thus we hold a potential of infinity.

Uhm. Cool. So - this is to say that 'the contemporary' is what finally "travels through time" - its where 'everything happens' ... basically. Thus while our psyche would restrict us to certain somethings, ... this also contains whatever else there could be.

So, the Mathologer came about to say that 1+2+3+..=-1/12 is nonsense, ... because it is infinity. You can't put infinity into a finite number. As, how 1-1+1-1+1...=1/2 is concerned, ... well, the question is: At whichever point we 'stopped' ... rather than 1/2. So - its an abstraction of math that exists as relatively ... nonsensical ... application of its principles. Yet, in that nonsensical sense we so get to assume, that within a set of initially unevenly distributed potentials - 'over infinity' the potentials even out. So, from 1-1 to +1, between 0 and 1 eventually arriving at 0.5. In finite terms that however is bullshit as we could see 'at any point in time' where we have the finite numbers applied onto the given potentials adding up in the 'usual way'.

And so is this - in a sense. There is 'a 0.5' - we could say ... yet contemporary ... 'mainstream culture'. Or pop culture. Or ... well, to look at it as 'the whole' which also embraces the "so called" offstream.

"Variety Complex"

As for now "SJ Police" ... the thing is this: Mega Man ZX - features a female Android, and that generally makes me happier as otherwise, which female Characters are there left? A girl with a Vacuum as an arm? Well ... . So I get it (now).


But ... what use is it whence nobody likes this shit?


Is it now our fault that you interfere with artists choices that then therefore fail at delivering what they are supposed to?
But don't boys sometimes need to be 'straightened'?


I would say that its the individuals "purpose" to be itself - and that includes the extent to which it ... well ... within tolerance ... decides to be a decent person. Oh ... do we have choices?

Obstacles do resemble choices. Our 'will' is more subjective to what we reflect as desirable or important and such - and with competence we have the ability to solve problems. ... . To now accuse someone of 'sexism' to an outrageous extent you would have to come forward with more than ... accusing the developpers of a game settled in medieval europe of racism by excluding people of color. I mean - medi-eval europe, ... a game meant to be immersive ... in what is european culture some centuries ago. How do people of color fit in there? I mean, ... where is the artistic 'demand' for it? But how was it with realism again?

...


...

So, in comes SJP - the Social Justice Police - to advise creators in their choices to be inclusive. To give everybody the ability to identify ... with stuff. The stuff however that I find enjoyable ... a lot of it, the vast majority, comes from a time before this SJP existed.

The way I can get behind the SJP agenda is in a sense of 'when applicable'. So, on one side you have a set of examples of 'where' a closer look may have to be had - while on the other side trying to produce something of a 'policed' environment of things. But when for instance only thinking about diversity one eventually forgets to think about age and interest. ...

In a sense I proposed such myself. In first place however a 'who we are and what we do' type of thing - as ... if you bother to put priorities on how you're spending your money. Maybe. As ... I don't know ... now it seems kindof ... hmm ... .

What I however see as 'better' is that there be some public philosophy, a somewhat flexible codex, ... a guide if you so will to reflect upon agreed upon things ... as also why these agreements exist.

On another note am I ... supposedly special. I have my own story, which you get in tandem with what I had to share, ... and as life goes on, ... I go on. Thus you come to know more of me ... and with it two things come along. Desires to pay homage to certain things and desires to diverge from them - ... towards variety. So - me is me, ... and I inherit certain features which may serve as base for inspiration; And at that point the "me too" thing happens where now variety is added to the palette.

Over time ... it ends up being inevitable.


The main issue here is that there are cases where we don't want anyone to tell someone what to do or what not to do. Large jump?


There rather so happen to be things we might want to be doing. Like making a game that is attractive to kids. Here we can say, sure, ... being inclusive is a good thing. And in terms of a game like Mega Man that basically exists on a basis of iterations and evolutions - always looking for a new way to go - its a ... 'viable strat'.

But else - its really the artists choice. And its not like this didn't work on its own so far. As many point out. We had Spawn, Blade, Ripley, Trinity, ... - Lando, Leia, Chewie, Teal'C, Carter, ... oh whats her name, ... Jewel Staites character, ... weird how I remember this but not that, ... Crusher, Janeway, Cisco, ... and in Video Games?

Ms. Pacman, Dixie, Shiek, Dee Jay, Peach, Chun-Li, GTA Guy, ...

and as for GTA - it just so happens to be that its aimed around 'action in a City' - and you do a lot of shooting and car-stealing, ... so, you're a criminal ... in that sense. Freedom ... in an abstracted Universe.


Hmm ...


Now instead of a vacuum there is discomfort.
Yea well, ... psyche vs mindset.

The mindset exists within the circumstances - between those and the minds/its psyche. We can call it such because our contemporary awareness is usally just a fraction of what we hold within our consciouses - as it is also a 'setup' of some sort; As relative to the buildup of tension in a movie, plus payoff. "We do us" - and that while in the contemporary different things come to matter to us.


The way I am a whore makes sense to me in how I perceive myself. As for how much of a 'farce' that is - its to me finally a question of how I feel about it. I know I'm a whore in that I most definitely 'would' do certain things, ... with a passion, ... and it would certainly be a farce if over time that wouldn't 'show' or come forth.

Thats also an issue with being Transgender. But that is also different because of ... the difference in relevance of 'the thing'. My gender determines my contemporary constitution as a unit while prostitution is more of a temporary attribute. Well, through clarity it becomes non-temporary, ... but that is now the thing with the psyche.


Being a whore thus comes as an absolute ... err ... inherent attribute of my psyche and thus 'constitution as a unit' - even to a degree where it might have an influence on how I construct my constitution as a unit. However - another word that I got to mention is ... something I once wrote about and barely ever since; Despite it being basically as huge as clarity itself. It belongs into it - and back then it was labelled as 'Chi' (greek letter [X]) I guess. It was also called 'motivation'. Its a second or third dimension to my clarity. Third, ... when regarding clarity as a plane. It so adds depth. Here I happen to be a 'slut'.

You could envision that Chi as a "power vector" and my clarity as a shell that is 'fueled' by it. Thats how the thing exists.

But so the idea here isn't a "planar" interpretation of the term. So - its attributed to my clarity rather than the way around. In other words does 'slut' not relate to my sex-drive. My sex-drive is tied to being a whore. ... Hmm ... so, well. It adds up to constructing myself as the opposite to a slut when 'off clarity'. So, my idea of being a slut is "born from within" visions of whoredom, ... and living that part of myself requires a certain depth of that in reality. So, while I'm not ... the desires are still there but is 'covered' with whoredom being "tucked away".

Within my contemporary mindset I have no motivation to prostitute myself. But my psyche inevitably does. Its clearly like a "dirty secret" in that sense. And tensions of this kind ... well ... ahegao comes to mind. The situation there is that my psyche inevitably 'tears' on my mindset ... as ... the mindset is just a fraction of the whole, ... the emotional constitution carries over. Thus if more 'abstract' stuff is fed to my mind the more I will find myself in a imbalance that tears me back into equilibrium. And its perhaps just due to the situation of me being entirely cut off from psyche satisfying elements that a tension towards the extreme dark exists.


Imagine a world where dead matter may live - where we may adapt forms of fantastic kind. Here you could now imagine a woman with a cooked/baked body, yet still alive, ... dwelling there, fainting away in some ecstasy.
Psychologically it now gets to a point where I would describe the violence that I attract as focused on only allowing me to have any form of enjoy whilst sexually abused. So, not as by matter of choice, ... rather as by matter of opportunity. This is the "point" where the idealized "ahegao mindset" can exist - but while it is just a silly fantasy it yet supplements my attraction towards certain individuals and things.


My tolerance to pain ... is I believe irrelevant because it shouldn't be the one decisive factor of how everything works out. If God says that there is a way then there is a way. More important is ultimately how satisfaction adds up.


As far as my male side is concerned ... its demise ... well, there is 'Heaven' and 'Heaven 2.0' of which I wrote at some points in the past. As of that it is basically 'predicted' to me that I will find myself in a certain position. From feminization into deprivation, in many ways the male is locked up behind such bars. That first of all corresponds to me. In order to get there certain things would have to happen - things that settle certain things as more of a norm than others. Within this understanding, the far future is comprehensive as one super-complex consensus based on co-existing with the divine. I by virtue of having been chosen to fill that position so have a say as based on my own convenience, within tolerance, who gets a bigger chunk of me - a.k.a. - who's close to me. Uh, ... well -
Now ... moving closer to it I find myself reluctant, or ... as the things I'd loose are getting more and more significant I ... get to have doubts. And as I am yet attached to certain things my male side has a legitimacy to exist. Now, ... not all of this is static. The whole is vastly flexible - while certain constants that do exist generate a norm.
The way I so happen to be unhappy about a given situation generates tension as I wiggle back and forth. It is now in context to the things that pile up within this conflict that the conflicts are being resolved one way or another - as they come to matter respectively.

So does the 'Heaven 2.0' vision 'continue' to exist as an ideal which thereby slowly takes over. The things that initially captured me were based on a given iteration of events. So, once this is satisfied then that ... and so on ... until all the 'side-tracks' are covered. My male mindset thereby generally ends up existing within a female vessel. And if my attitude were all that mattered we could get over with this rather quickly I guess.
Where I'm now wrong, first of all there is God who can buffer things out.

And if you come at me in a way that doesn't work ... it won't work!


The thing now is that the thing that once captured me - sotospeak - well - they are there in a finite way. As it is my preferred destiny, coupled to certain things I enjoy in process or consequence or ... at all, ... it sticks on my mind which requires its 'static line of consequences' ... so, its a 'the future as reason/past' kind of thing. In some way. Its recursive. Everything else is rather redundant.

My male psyche is thereby funneled into a realm of fantasy/ecstasy coupled to visions of its own demise. Basically - ... bear with me ... - bound into expressing itself as female/through a female form - and experiencing itself respectively. That I now however take my trans-sexuality more seriously and evolve my female side, this also kindof moves that side into the background.

Which is now the 'given' segue into another thing I had on mind, ... generally speaking of what now is 'fantasy within reality'.


The issue that my contemporary mind wraps around my static mind and re-envisions itself in consequence. This isn't to say now that one side wins over the other. With a shift of my 'mainstay consciousness' the things that matter to me start to matter differently. As for that, what finally matters is my consciousness and the extent to which I am able to do the things I want to do. That ... so 'in context'.

The context being that the course of deprivation at some points requires a conscious break-down, as in certain cases speaking of insanity. One of the things that works for me is to think of something that hurts once, ... but things will be fine there-after.

For what happens to be dear to me this could now mean two things: Either things will be - in the grand scheme - OK because I won't be able to do those things - being thus adjusted to habits that do please me better, ... or because I will be able to do them in a way that works for me. I mean - logically obvious.

An issue here is that while the mindset is free, ... its well being is yet ... basically dependent on its psyche. Balance here comes in as required by the psyche - as consequence of entertaining this extended freedom. So, freedom as 'requirement' thus occurs as something that is stress-inflicting.


And so is clarity to the extent that its ideals exist in such relationship to the contemporary truth. In a fantastic environment everything can be good "because reasons" - but still life isn't all that simple. For better or worse. I'd opt for better.

Eventually our clarity ends up being complex enough that there is no such thing as 'finite satisfaction'. In the end we would I guess forever and always grow as caught up between simple and complex.


So - four columns. As for things I think need to ... are to be objectively established as things regarding our mental constitution, in attributes of the Light, are the 'four pillars' and what belongs to it. Its possibly "the high end" or 'endgame' of clarity. I guess.

There is a certain form that took shape and continued to evolve. At first only simple pieces that would just vaguely fit into a greater whole. Some things that emerged became bigger and more complex, others remained by themselves. Over time these would individually matter in their own way, being more synonymous to their complexity rather than individual aspects therein. Some of those are however tied to others and exist at a higher significance, all that however also just vaguely taking shape at first.

In terms of what finally worked best to describe how my 'spirit' ... "looks alike" ... I get back to the 4 pillars. These in some way connect to the 3x3 tileset, "the front"/spine, ... the "dense self" to some extent, ... and is generally generous in space to unfold in.

A.k.a. "the Kelch" these 4 pillars are pivoted by a converging resemblance of the whole, ... and the most fundamental aspect of it is labeled as 'GROWTH' - which exists between the 4 pillars and reaches down, like roots, towards and into a foundation that 'melts into' yet another realm of levels and rooms.


You can understand this as a complex construct of emotions. So, when putting two emotions, tied to conditions, together you have a flow between them. All of that needs to somehow add up and for that to work there are minor and major things. Major hereby means that it takes dominion and by setting some standard gains the ability to host lesser items.

Starting with it used to be difficult, but after roaming around I can now come back to one thing that finally seals the deal. All across I basically identify myself as a woman and sex-slave, ... and 'at the bottom' of it all I draw myself as a young boy - caught up within sex-slave "garments". (leather belts). My growth basically consists of images of bondage - with shots of forced intercourse of various kinds and degrees.

But the thing that matters right here is 'one' pillar that stands out.

There are so 4 pillars. The front, the back, ... and two at the sides. The front correlates to the spine, while invoking it as one segment on a 3x3 grid. This grid is an abstraction that showcases the individuals ... well ... palette. Basically. So far it doesn't end up being totally satisfying. While the spine exists as 'central truth' - it is here put to a side and a new central ideal emerges ... which so forces out some degree of variety. 3 out of those 4 columns do to me feel rather static. In demand of specific things while the fourth is somewhat flexible.

Towards the 'bottom' they become more and more abstract until at the very bottom the 4 is rather just symbolic for that which is on top.


In transition for instance the 4 pillars blur into 2, while this basically just happens as one thing that revolves around another seeks representation within the imposed geometry. Or something. Its not ... fully there yet.


What ends up being new to me, in those regards, well - so far always found some resemblance within these conditions. So, the insight that my habits aren't entirely bound to my gender for instance. It continues to be a thing that comes and goes. It possibly happens as my male self comes in and in a demand of validation seeks to attain certain properties while in the whole aspiring a female form that furthermore doesn't care much about the things it claims. A bit like a glitch.

Its a matter of me diverging from the 'static' things and being ultimately 'called back'; While I in the meantime learn to widen my understanding of myself.

On the 3x3 grid, the 'bottom' now emerges as one of the edges/sides, perpendicular to front and back. And here I would describe a tree of self-deprivation grown around my male self as delivering it to ... certain end points, two of which are represented within the respective corners of the grid.

If I now think of certain things that 'arouse' me - in terms of stimuli relative to this structure - the experience is as water, that is created by the light and 'drops' into ones mind as waterfalls. The water then fills up lakes, generating satisfaction, and from there spills over. All this ultimately flows towards a gravity source/well - the 'dense spot' upwards from which I would say the beings fundamentals are being stacked.

Navigating this ends up being simple as once forms take shape that resemble at least something relative to a (respectively) 'given' depth it can serve as anchor.


Maybe I'm a bit unique in regards to how these things matter. But I do also believe that once the desire to 'settle' comes in, such is ultimately present in one way or another.

Finally, knowing ourselves can be of tremendous worth to measuring the worth of our society/civilization. And civilization goes beyond nationality - as our contemporary one basically emerges from the stones of multiple pasts.

As I so get to have a checklist of whats supposedly "mine" - I can 'check' how much of it is actually given.

Maybe there are ways how I could check my list in this world as it is - but whats the point if I'm only helping myself? I mean, ... ... whatever.


[taking a break]


But uhm, yea, sorry. The reason why these two topics are so tightly interwoven is because the individual, its habits, behaviors and stuff are similarly weighted issues at the core of them.

Now, when approaching it this way I can have very little sympathy with SJWs because they defy the very essence of what I believe in. Otherwise what they do is as skipping that part of social reality, ... maybe ... because there is no other way right now.

And I see danger therein.


In other words: There shouldn't be any contest between the two.

And if I like me "muh" Spider X Woman fantasy creatures, ... I'm no hypocrite for also liking the Scorpion King, ... or stuff like that.


ANd what this is, is an upsetness about this 'left forward' agenda. Which, as presented hereby, ... is as ... well, if I blow at you during a hurricane you might get blown away, ... but whether it was me is questionable. Or you could go sailing and blow at the sail, ... but whether that is what carries the boat forward is doubtful!
?


[break]


Well, ... 'shocker': A lot of what I believe in depends on people choosing to be decent. And as for excuses, ... let there be the question: Are there things that cannot be excused?

On the surface of argumentation we would ordinarily want or have to adhere to some moral code for balance. Or reference. So - the moment two people come together to have an honest talk with each other, ... there is the act and respective intention that imposes some demand of a mutual foundation.
Simple.

The question for the excusable applied onto this reveals that ... well ... for the sake of functionality the intended corruption of the desired equilibrium is not excusable!

And when continuing to be this rigorous we can come to a good understanding of human imperfection. While here we draw basically ... mathematically sharp outlines based on simplest principles, that imposes a level of demand in terms of perfection that we cannot satisfy. But the issue is clear. In the big and broad we understand what is expected of us as something we may also expect of others.


The way that we work is however also including the ability to set goals. Our 'ambitions' so are a complex structure that evolved between goals and desires. Then there also is 'character', which adds certain talents and other nuances to the equation. If we focus our mind onto something we can become better at it - and the more complex our understanding grows, the higher the mastery of these things that we can achieve.
We so get to 'move' in terms of our wanting - which is stretched across layers of space and time. So there is the immediate, there are long-term goals - and that we can manage that isn't inherently guaranteed. There is however space between the one and the other, ways how they intertwine and evolve.


We plot our courses, live our lives, and "being decent" has to somehow work in that. Which goes to say: In a way that isn't in the way. THis is also something that distinguishes true righteousness from lawfulness. Lawfulness refers to a 'rule book' - of which one now is to be minded. Begging the question for where the capacity to true righteousness lies therein. In the overdrawn context it simply implies that at some degree there is a conflict. And that goes hand in hand with the principles of beauty that emerge through diversity. As ... the demand for more than just symmetry.

Anyway ...

Its time for a discourse into me again.


In context I guess it so happens that I perceive an imbalance between how I ought to be perceived and where the projected course might go. Its so a vacuum or discomfort that stirs up negativity in my heart and sickens me to some extent. I then need to go and look forward to fixing that.

Talking of decency is now one thing, talking of individuality the other. As mentioned: In terms of how we work we are individuals on our given tracks and to accommodate for each other we need to have respect for the other persons course, which comes in hand with a rough idea of what we ought to expect of each other when it comes to it.

Perfect?

Well, it depends I guess. The terms in mind can be applied in different ways and thus I guess there is space for misconception.


But anyway. You may have to excuse me when I get onto a discourse about me. I think that on one side I have to be open, on the other thinking of a conclusion is at this point redundant. So these segments might just better come and go, only somewhat adjoined to a topic.


Anyhow. Psyche vs Mindset. The issue now stands that while my psyche is rather unbending, my mindset is in the contemporary flow. While in terms of my psyche it is true that I can only want rape ... ish, ... my mindset yet hosts its own ambitions. And it should be clear why and how that is the case. But I'll explain.

The esoteric truth does in a sense satisfy itself. It has to. It ... in terms of my surroundings ... imposes Lust unto me which at its core is supposedly insatiable. Which then so would drive me into things that would respectively keep growing into the extremes. A sense of decency now kept me looking away from anything associated to brutality - once certain gaps had been bridged the field had been opened, while after the dust had settled a distinction between "these and those" has begun to take shape.
The ideal is thereby yet consistent of multiple factors - and the snuff stuff had filled a position I had previously been looking for to describe the balance I feel ... in terms of my identity. This is a contradiction then - to the point that the clarity side draws a static image while the forces that build it feature a drive of everlasting growth.
Yet clarity is established in ... well ... a sense of ... recycled consequences. One thing leads to another which eventually leads back to the source.

Thus, clarity is already satisfied. When it so comes to ambitions, clarity things are a bit strange. One thing I also have to keep emphasizing, I guess, is that interests/kinks such as incest and pedophilia come as tied to the individuals and can thus be satisfied in that context. I would guess it even has to come that way. I mean - I don't have the required first hand experience, but the experience I have suggests that whatever kink is implied to sustain a given thing about the relationship only truly comes out from within the real connection. So - if I take a specific role that the person is to play, ... any person could fit into it. The rest were a matter of abstraction.


What clarity now clearly produces is demand or desire. While it exists as ideal - well, yea, it exists in a clear state of ... well, things are left to be desired, ... as far as it itself is concerned. The satisfaction I'm telling you of exists within the illusion of experiencing anything within its spectrum. If I reflect upon it by writing - that also counts.

What is left to be desired the most would be ... other humans.

This comes in two ways. For once is that a difficult part to satisfy on your own, ... on the other side does a lot of the own equilibrium converge around ... "social hotspots" - as thats where the meaning applies and/or is derived from.


Nothing of this has anything to do with being a decent person. It is boldly egoistic, ... in a "what works best" kind of scenario. Although, ... well. I believe there to be a deterministic side as there were a "random" (individualistic) one. It ultimately all comes down to the fact that we 'have to' adapt to each other in some way.
Within those idealized communities now there would be some idea of decency, ... but for sakes of argumentation are there environments where punching and insulting each other are signs of courtesy.

Take a paint program, a fat brush, draw a fat dot, and then some line from it. The volume of the brush is to represent some scope of tolerance that our own "pathway driven" ineptitude requires. Here 'decency' comes to matter as simple basics of how to interact with strangers - so, something in the sense of "the right to be pissed off by people that piss you off". That is your own side to buffering out your ineptitude. So - simple.

Mainstream is now complicated in that its an abstract. We as a whole now come together as a bunch of lifestyles - and that is already reasonably true within 'one' "cultural base". So, multi-ethnicity doesn't quite actually make it more complicated by too much. The mainstream is an abstract ... a wave that carries all of our intellectual wealth - being the big soup of everything that we produced. And the consumer also inherits productive value by mere consumption in that he pays the bills.

So, an artist who is inspired to create something now doesn't right away have the luxury of thinking about a target audience. That at the very least were one source of biases. And we get/(got?) to more of that later - in the other article maybe/I guess. I mean, inspiration. If its ... going to be an issue. I guess. ~~~shtp.
He or she or it or they were now to produce something - and in regards to a target audience there are now two ways I see. One is to aim at a specific audience and the other is to a more general one - a.k.a. "Lets see". The target audience then comes in as the interested consumer base, ... so, ... in essence the whole thing is determined by that side. The artist cannot focus an audience that doesn't exist.

But anyhow. We can so - in terms of 'success' - establish the idea of some symbiosis. Artistic vision meets consumer interest. And however does the mainstream now fetch up on it. Policing now does come in from the mainstream side in that someone or something now wants to determine of what is allowed and what not. And this is where the conflict evolves around who is to say what is and what isn't OK.

In a lax way of saying: If we censor something, we censor its consumer base. And that ... sadly or not ... also includes child pornography. Isn't it that a lack of satisfaction drives the intention for acquiring it? The question were: Can it be cured?


Can 'I' be cured?


If you asked me, the problem weren't that I couldn't be a whore or any of that - but that I have nobody to love. My own fault? Well - it is as it is, ... and whatever that may be - thats a separate issue. So - in that regard there isn't really a problem that needs to be discussed.
Except we want to get into the intrinsics of ... coupling - to the extent ... possible.
Which is where the main obstacle to me is that I can barely speak of a successful example. Not in regards of myself anyway. Although - in terms of failures I could speak of a success ... supposing that my bad luck could not be natural and that I therefore must be locked away somehow. "Reserved".

But well. First of all we could take a different color and draw some other blot ... in the way of one of the lines extending from the first. That so to symbolize a ... "symbiotic environment" - speaking of ourselves. So, thats the place where the inherent behavior that we acquired due to our social logic and what not ... is ... "at home". I mean, taking a 'slightly' different color. So - maybe. Maybe it should all be colored in patterns. However - the thing is that one still is individual in the sense of its own ... "erection" ... but in its fluidity 'familiar' to certain 'forms of existence'. A lot of that would come from intimate partnerships of two. So - a classic couple that would co-exist gets to build a household through which it expresses its combined reality and passion - and stuff. These come in line with social acquaintances whereby a gradient shift towards social hubs organically molds a raw pattern of individualistic culture.

The "heavenly home" now as sponsored by the most high should in that case be regarded as of infinite wisdom. That means that we ourselves cannot, not without HIS help at least, begin to fathom what that even implies. If I may put unification forth into the enter, assuming it to be of common interest, I project that there will be a substantial amount of curiosity for knowing more about it.


The thing is that in this setup ... the ideal of 'organic growth' basically means nothing unless it is on Gods "to do" list - which is now where things start to stack up in a way that produces a reasonable outcome. But I have no examples of what my "rotten ilk" so would "conjure up".


So, the thing with the 4 pillars now ends up on my desk - and I get it as ... well, ... as we would look for ways to tangibly express ourselves - ... we're ultimately drawn towards those structures which do themselves impose a certain degree of complexity and/or depth. Because - as might now a bit clearer does 'the clarity term' not really add much clarity in the whole. How could it? It is a simple term. Would we want a 'perfect' term, each individual would require a unique name - and we would have to use those.
It right away, in me at least, however imposes a 'primary color' - just painting the whole thing - in the sense that I at first find myself true in the sense of the term. This may just happen to be a necessary degree of abstraction. The term itself can be described as an object - an item. Something that is conceived by a society. Once the term is present, the individual can acquire it. Now is the individual not 'born' per se - though to the plane of "clarities" the individual now is. The person still exists as it is - but now there is color slapped onto it.

So - in terms of that ... there is now the volume that a psyche occupies - and in that regards there is the potential to a map. The ... segue into this would come by pondering upon the implications of individuality and the amount of information required to describe it sufficiently in context to a "state of art".

But before I forget it: The way I now started a narrative on the legalization of certain things - I mean to emphasize that I don't intend to direct that at our contemporary world/its legal system/our given culture. It is in the end irrelevant because I shouldn't be perceived as leader and you do you - which in other words means: It has to come by somehow - ... but the focus is that there is something new ... that I'm thinking of.


One more thing that I can't fully evaluate is the necessity for ... well, ... "ruler and pen". Another way for looking at clarity is to re-brand it into 'competences'. Similarly is the list of competences we own a color palette through which we are "birthed" "into the system".

I do have competences, and when it comes to my mindset is that the better word to use.

My competences are now however not what governs my life. My ambitions come first, ... and similarly can we talk of other things that may end up higher on our priority list. Part of that comes in form of moods and personality, lifestyle, ... those things. To the better or worse.


In terms of my own, ... well. I have my competences - and through those I have ambitions. These ambitions now keep me occupied ... and this consumes most of my time ... outside of playing games and such. When then talking of a here missing social connection ... we have to be careful. The question is: How far does the influence go?
When starting off with my 'base habits', excluding the ways how I waste my time, there is a given finite volume where others could potentially fit in. And because thats not how it works ... thats not how it matters.

But as I have my mindset, my partners have theirs. What satisfaction we thereby require may be subject to what time there is left after all the other things that bother us. Thus its ... back to being a private issue. Basically.


So - we might say. When thinking of my competences now - the main issue still is that I have my way of applying them, ... in a sense: They are occupied by self. In this sense I argue that the system isn't entitled to demand me on their base. Respectively would I not share those as something relevant between me and society; Unless basically forced to.

And so is there the problem. Once that is my 'mainstay occupation' - how is it legitimized?

Well - you can look at what I do ... and ... should that be it?
Well, what I'm saying is that if I have certain competences, ... with stamp and seal, ... you would assume that I might accomplish something with them. But ... yea, thats not all.

We could argue that while I exclude myself from "the standard" way of things I also 'quit' respective social environments and therefore reduce my chances to find a partner. On the other side however does an intimate knowledge of me stress the conclusion that this is very much so expected. My ... "stuff" so bonds me to a ... rather specific environment, or ... set of relationships.

OK, the pillars. Lets look at it that way: Each pillar describes a 'primal volume' of ourselves. So, think about school. While you're still in that age, that certainly seems like it could be 'one'. You there have a schedule ... and experience. When it gets to friends and downtime also individuality, ... and ... as it gets to your passions, your "interest bubbles" here and there.
When I now express myself as a slave, the question now can be how much of those pillars it applies to. If it so applied on one - and the intrinsics of the enslavement imply a specific individual - that is going to "show" in some way, ... . Perhaps in a sense of how the gravity of them things work. Which would resemble a distorted version of the "euclidic" "grid".

With bonds to specific individuals I can imply a certain normality ... perpetuated through the consolidated aspects of our individual selves. I can so derive a very specific set of experiences that then constitute 'the essence' any volume then gets to be filled with.

So, ... your ways of hanging out once you get into a drinking age maybe ... they can converge around an experience that then could be of relevance in what you value about your lifetime.

There is now that thing I called GROWTH - and, now either of two things is more relevant: That my 'growth' is 'captivity' or that I'm enslaved in all four pillars.

SO, as mentioned before, ... the fourth pillar was different. I therefore used the term 'abstract' - but maybe also got a few things blurred and twisted. Well. Growth would be 'that thing' which I feel that is indicative of some induction of some energy that intrinsically shapes my psyche. It is what to me stuck out when thinking of "a Kelch [Vessel/Grail/Cup]" - and now would stand as something that 'maybe' is automatically true throughout the pillars. In that sense there isn't a question regarding whether I'm enslaved in all or not.

From a different perspective is there the 3x3 grid - where - the one pillar most obvious to me is the one relative to the 'front'. Its somehow connected to the spine - and on some level I can find an arrangement of terms that constitutes ... a sense of something that however so "is there somewhere". Uhm ... so there are the edges between the corners - and each would relate to one pillar. From this perspective too, all pillars would bind me into slavery - and I could find a term that would further specify a specific way for each pillar individually.

In the middle were a pivotal convergence which then links into an isolated, centric realm ... and lets call it "the prismatic shard (or core?)". Or ... well. Lets see.

One level down are there "front" and "back" pillar - and on the bottom, well - its weird. The visual conception shows a vast space ... while the corresponding feeling is more akin to a dense point. Here I think whats going on is ... well, something akin to gravity. Our "void" self begins to assemble identity which so accumulates mass. This interacts with the whole ... new things come upon it ... and more and more while all of it eventually begins to mingle and mix under its own pressure.


How that is ... I'm not fully aware of.


But yea ... at that point we however can also enter an alternate dimension. And this ... well ... adds ... "convolution". Well, 'abstraction'.


So - lets call that dimension ... the 5 floors.


Metaphorically now, at the bottom of the four pillars they form something of a yard in the midst of which there is something as a throne. It would seem that the throne could be regarded as the seed to the kelch, in that now Growth is herein again something that just is - while it here draws a 'bottom' kind of image of how it matters.

In this story of mine, there is now also a one up for Monica Bellucci - or that figure in my mind however. Schizophrenic? Well - it isn't there to tell me things I could do anything about. This one up is a good example. So - one of the things "it" hinted at me was, well, something into the direction of me being not gay enough yet - which, to my understanding wasn't a thing - thus I had a constant urge to say that I'm most certainly not gay. I just couldn't see it. But a good part of my struggles comes down to something that is male within me - something I can't seem to shake for some reason.
So for sure that at the bottom, at my throne, I'm at first a boy - and secondly enslaved ... and that in a way that imposes all sorts of feminization onto me.

This story can be told more easily when taking it to the structure. So, the throne: I'm male encased in slavery. And you may notice how I keep urging the female side of mine into it. This 'bottom of things' now converges with another bottom of things, that within the 5 levels. Here at the bottom there is now some space that generally hosts a void which I assume invokes the throne while re-envisioning it within the herein given rules. Thereby I'm female. Beneath this bottom now there is a chamber of sort - 'the deepest' - and here I too am female, ... and that in a way that is odd to me. Its ... somehow humiliating. And this would work in contrast to the male things that are however there. So - on the other side.
In this chamber now I'm also focused to be a mother, ... in both ways. Once in a pedophilic sense, myself being the child (and girl) - but so to the ends of "breeding" 'the perfect mother' - which I were to resemble once aged.

And this is also a good way to explain how pregnancy and motherhood matters to me - inside - "as a male". It is now however ambiguous to speak of gender - it so depends on which side you're looking at. On the pillars side, feminization right away carries over in that the "enslavement layer" works as a sheet beyond which a female self-conception is the only thing I get. So - here, as the ground-work to all this is done by the light, the light takes a step by simply making it so.

So is the male spirit right away tucked away - which on another layer, ... maybe this should be an isolated view onto a body-schematic ..., there is the 'gemstone diagram' in accordance to which I describe my male consciousness as locked away in my own head while encased in some mechanism that generates a female me overriding the male.
This is now true within the psyche, while the mindset is a totally different story.

But ... well, more to that ... at some point.

My mindset ... basically ... isn't concerned about its gender ... except when it is. But thats what it is: A possibility. Generally my mindset would be concerned of itself ... in its contemporary state. What I mean to imply here is that while the story were that the female side is artificially created "through the gemstone" - this I guess is only simpler for "tucking away the male" - form-wise. So - while the "formflow" introduces me as male, and now transitions into female, there is some 'dominant vein' that goes along with it; And while everything is built on finer details it could end up being somewhat abstract in its logic.
I'm in majority female - and that so far has been an important component to all homosexual confessions of mine. And ... thats also true this time.

A short recap into "Heaven 2.0": What I generally describe is a curve, or an arch, ... whereby 1.0 were first of all a straight line into infinity. Our own way would describe some curve, more or less chaotic, converging towards some point on that line. I'd say 'curve' beause that goes to show the inevitability of that intersection.

Thereafter things change ... as a matter of evolution. Being accustomed to the afterlife, thats where we get more seriously into settling with eternity. And part of that is getting used to the re-occurrence of ideals. So - something we do cherish a lot will have to be valued in such a way that it can last as an eternal source of satisfaction. Alternatives matter a lot to that. However - deep inside there are our norms that determine those ideals, and over time they would - with continuous growth - ultimately come to shift. And thats where I get to speak of 'core episodes'. This is where 'deep love' can play out - where deep love is love for an individual that is ... well ... so dense it sparks a multitude of desires that compete about being real. So, however we'd settle - there would always be something missing as certain things just end up being incompatible. Who is which gender? For instance.

Now is my love for my great love ultimately also a thing that matters to me and how I feel in which gender. As a mutual thing ... I also have specific interests in 'her' - as she would have to herself and me. So there is that vein wherein her care for me being female can take shape in a variety of ways. At the source of it I'm male and she's female. Later we're both female, then she's male - and in the end, ... it all turns into what I call 'the Nexus' - which is the idealized 'heaven' - in resemblance of having a fixed address in some town/city/place/structure.

So - the way now ends up irrelevant - even the reality - as this place imposes itself as the grand focus of all idealization. It becomes comprehensive as all sorts of alternatives are getting sorted away into the offshoots - and here I find myself glad to be someones bride, having a husband, being an android and frequently pregnant. But still the male in me keeps urging forward - and initially once that happened I got sent into some alternate universe where I could experience myself as yet: Enslaved and feminized.
Thus, all things considered - I there then will be the son and bride of my father.

This to some extent has so always been obvious, but nonetheless I couldn't connect to it.

But yea, what else each dimension now contains can be regarded as secondary. My role as male is 'identified' - and nothing really changes there.


My question now were: How much do my competences now matter?

And as of my psyche I'm compelled to pray, worshiping my idol dieties, for forcing me into a shape wherein the most of that is denied to me. I mean, as much of it as possible.

Welcoming my cognitive demise.

Which can however only truly unfold once the circumstances are right. Yet am I as of that looking forward to ritualistically concealing my submission. Which, should be part of ... acknowledging the infinite within the contemporary.


So yea, I pray to become useless.

But ... can this be it, considering all the stuff about ... my mindset?


[digestive break]


Well, now something that might be really hard to understand, ... but, ... I can't really change all that much about my mindset either.


Or is it? Well - ...


Now it shouldn't surprise you that my mindset does still however ... well, basically exist to serve my psyche. Not particularly though as there isn't truly any purpose behind those things that just so happen to be. And in that sense ... anything that has some purpose can also be devalued ... in the sense. Mechanically for instance by providing a different narrative.

SO is there our very own individual ideology, or belief, philosophy, ... whatever you call that what you got there. That ... 'sense' or 'meaning' that establishes your narrative on reality. And thats where we eventually also get around to science. You know, that thing where we ... get to say certain things ... that ought to have 'true meaning'. So we get to say things reminiscent of ... reminding you of the situation that your narrative doesn't count in regards to certain things. And while we are in oblivion about certain things, ... and we do in deed have that quantifiable width of freedom regarding our own opinion on that thing - we have to realize that eventually there are facts we may have to replace our assumptions with.


Hence I think is there much talk of 'priorities' when it gets to clarity, identity, ... individuality - and such. Priorities are our own way of saying ... what matters the most. The physical world we live in has it that some ... problem exists in regards to that. And thus there is also much talk about ... 'normality' - as often vocalized in resemblance of a reminder that we need to get money somehow.

Money in many ways is as a thorn. We all understand that we could help each other out and get to co-exist in a way that renders money meaningless. Well, ... although ... I have had to learn that my own perspective is flawed. Generally so. And that in this case for instance someone who is fit with numbers and economics might know how to throw a but into that. And I so have to wonder what that but might be about. Now can I response to that understand certain concepts, ... but I thereby am dabbling far outside of my realm of competences.

That is one way of inserting: "Society/Community/"New Word"/whatever first" - the ... "someone else might know better" alternative - which is not to overshadow the individuals personal interest in good performance.


Now is it so, with my mindset, that it is that which is anchored in reality. My psyche is basically "more so" anchored therein - but the mindset exists as the contemporary. The psyche is static ... while our mindset is flexible. ... err ...


Uhm. Well - ... - psyche. The psyche can at times contradict itself - but that is ... like ... just a shadow. So, once we gather experiences of some kind we could picture it as a plant. Now could I so gather experiences within a male as within a female body ... across several lifetimes ... and those plants would exist, ... no matter what. Nobody cares about whether there could be some potential conflict or not.

The psyche is abstract in that it ends up being that overarching thing wherein things of all kind have to be digested and ... so on. So is 'that' me, while my mindset determines my actions in reality.


Confused?


Anchored in reality? Well - from the mindsets perspective the psyche is this thing where everything you experience falls into - like a soup - or flurry of color, ... and herein a different layer of psyche appears ... in shape of our 'inner mindset'.


But however now that ... priorities. Priorities within the psyche now are one thing. They simply emerge through its structure. From this our inner mindset emerges, ... that is our contemporary ... wholesome ... conscious ... reality. So, past, memories, schedules, plans, ... and then for sure also beliefs.

In regards to our mindset are these things only contemporary. There were so a percentage of how much they emerged within "the mind" when seen over time.

And, lets just call it the mind then, is anchored in reality ... by ... being that which experiences time. So ... to speak. The passage through moments, ... the shift of moods, the growth of understanding, ... "the doing of stuff".


The way that I do the stuff I do is by taking me the time I need ... and in an attempt to procure ideal conditions I think I must have forgotten about almost everything around me. Its a harsh reality ... we live in, I guess. This is a story of its own.


But to get it straight here I need to look at the psychological context anyhow - and one of the things I had to realize was that as I went on to prioritize my own doings, things went in my favor.

And of course. The demand of the substance tells its own story, ... - where, ... a lot of things come together, including my ... own cognitive balance. The way I work as an individual, ... "judging from my curiosity". Circumstances, ... challenges.


Whatever now sickens you about me - that I guess is something thats just wrong with this world. Resemblances of it that ... might be ... real or ... not? What I perceive by looking at it is complex. There are multiple layers that come together in one piece. There is the framing, ... which resemble clear demands for salvation. Outside of that ... there are concepts, theories, ... and the frame is whats left to matter. At its core there were the truth that matters to all concepts - as in response to the framing.

The point is that whatever then emerges from that is going to be its own thing ... where everyone, say, has a fresh start. This 'fresh start' is practically enforced, ... for once through baptism and then through unification. Baptism brings a cleansing that helps getting a few things sorted out while making space for God, ... and unification brings a 'practical reset' by lifting the mind up to a whole new understanding ("of 'meta'").

We could call it a "parachute for civilization" if this were a thing that would go viral/pandemic, ... outside of which, well ... it is essentially a very controversial thing in that it challenges the contemporary norm - where a shift in awareness about reality is practically enforced in which regard we were to yet speak of an inevitable awakening. How this awakening unfolds depends on the numbers. Higher numbers mean higher degrees of complexity. When unified, there is a new level of walking with God and re-affirming this to others that walk on the same level/path has to somehow buffer out into the "unenlightened world". If the numbers meet a certain percentual threshold these shared insights grow into common sense.
The 'unenlightened world' now is all those who don't know of it yet - where in a worse case scenario we also deal with denials and such.

But, ... politics ... . ???

A lot of outrage is political. Thus I would generally suggest that politics don't matter. Its just better for mental health ... XD ... yea, that I suppose. So, ... nonetheless, ... there is that question for ... "the steering wheel" ... basically. Who are we? What do we do?

Yea, ... think too much about it ... and - ... well. I should remind you to not take it that way. In first place we could call it "the club of you and me". Because ... what else? People, ... or Folks, ... would get curious, coming in, ... and then ... there ... we have "further proof" ... or ... further first hand experiences. Like ... a first raindrop.

After a drought?


The enemy, ... let that be a phantom - the theory of what could go wrong - a metaphorical adversary reminding us to improve on our flaws.


Well - so in the idea is it that where things begin and unfold. I can tell you ... whatever. That won't change the fact that you yet have to catch up on the one thing and the other first ... before you can grasp those things that I've been writing about.

Well, to be a bit more ... specific ... well ...


First there's a time of adjustment, ... leading up to a 'light from below'. Which will be the last "true miracle" for a while. Even so - the first, basically. Thereafter comes a point where you got to flex some muscles, ... and then a time to get them chills. Once you got 'the chills' you'll come to see a deeper level of it all. So, thats ... "going HD" ... basically. That is then where most of the things happen that then lead up to clarity, psi, and thereby a more tangible understanding of "the social construct".

So, it is not until a critical mass of people got there - that we could truly speak of a proverbial change.

Internally the reasons to this deal a lot with our attunement to the Light. Our ability to trust it, basically. As also to sense it - and ... basically understand it. But also ... to have the capacity to react to it efficiently. So, the time it takes you to not only hear it, but to ... 'safely' relate to it.

Which comes in due time because, well, ... not everything can be forced. While God prefers to remain in the background, well ... thats the way I make sense of it, He keeps staying in the background. And we have to get used to that. This way our mind is ours, ... we can be ourselves, be concerned about personal stuff, relationships and cetera, ... and while unification starts with that big chunk dedicated to God, the journey is also one of rediscovery. This comes, in a manner of speaking, by virtue of our own ambition. Maybe we could also call it "spiritedness". It happens parallel to whats going on inside - as so the mindsets progression through its psychological progress.

So, here it stands that while our mindset spends time on its psyche we automatically grow in insight about it. Be it just void images or not. In the beginning there is "the chunk of God" - and thus our awareness of reality grows in accordance to its truth. Like ... tiny shards of iron around a magnet. But the chunk itself is very simple - compared to the world around. And that also ... holds significance. Seeing God 'out there' ... well, maybe not so much. But in a certain way ... is there still the fact that everything out there too is (within) God - so, ... well, however the case - what do I ... ?


I so went onto adventures, then got into game-design and programming, ... and while not doing so by attending school ... I still believe that I am at least somewhat competent in those areas. Eventually I also got interested in Astrophysics and Quantum Mechanics, ... physics in general, ... and that amongst other things were now on that side of things.

Sure, lets not forget scriptures.


Here God did lay some tracks for me - sparking curiosity, supplementing my mind with ideas and insights, ... it is activity through which I could learn how God works - within me - but a happy ending is still ... missing.


[and thats it for today]


Anyhow. So, well - wow! There's now a thing - and ... in consideration ... of it it stands, that 'whore' comes as a term without meaning. So, in terms of me. Well, the point so far was to call it my clarity, which in some way influences my mind and psyche. But then the mindset goes beyond that and the psyche ... well ... we could question whether a single term is appropriate, ... well.

But yea, ... of course! How things flow and interact is first of all a thing between substance and mind - and part of how I perceive or conceive things is down to my psyche. My psyche resembles my own personal outlines through which I act, ... "as it inflects me upon my mindset". Well, whatever. The thing is complicated.

The thing I was introducing however - this goes on to regard 'useful terms' ... when describing ourselves ... come in pairs. In regards to ourselves do we so have a chance to for instance take an introverted and an extroverted item to combine them into a single one. Well ...

The way I perceive it, ... there first is the thing that in terms of cognitive growth there comes the point where we "look back upon" some stuff having grown at least one level past that. So, those are things that sit deep in our minds and have come to underline a subsequent understanding. This holds complexity as while we grow, we hold some "high end" 'all-in-one' as contemporary. When I see words I generally no longer read them, ... I just understand them. But that takes time and time to evolve. We speak naturally ... we navigate our familiar environments almost blindly, ... and whilst in "the beginnings" "green" and insecure, ... we eventually grow confidence and expand from there.

In terms of "egospective" there first is a spark of identity, ... lets say. A "bottom rule" by which we begin to organize our chaos. So, color palette, geometry, ... just 'style' - maybe. Thinking of ourselves as nothing but a chaotically, semi-causatively sparking flash of lightning. This is what we then become based on the things we could be. In the beginning there is void, then something, ... and eventually it becomes a wholesome thing.

Now, ... originally this is an event that once occurred seems to forever be dominant upon our ways. But there's a way out. These things may be the way they are, ... but once God 'uplifts' certain items ... they then require fantasy to be abridged, but due to the 'higher significance' of the Light they then yet get to outshine the 'Original Truth'. Or - what I would regard as 'the natural being' when seeing the 'natural' aspect as negative. Which in contraception is then a thing of divine vs. chaotic nature.

So do I now come to combine two events that previously stood apart. How they come together would be obvious. Its 'the male'. So - for once at "the pillars base"/throne, ... there is that ... and on another end the 'original' gender perspective regarding the ... occurrence of the male. And I'm not sure if things are out of order or not. At least in the sense of history. Well, ... I would say that I have a vague understanding of my pre-terrestrial living, ... or something. According to that, after I was born I took a dip into "femininity" and grew on that for some time until taken elsewhere. Here now a new chapter begins in that I developed male traits (curiosity) - which mostly happened by opportunity I guess. This is now however where I practically begin to exist. As, ... that is the part which gets established at the base.

Well - I believe ... I assume, ... I have to be a bit more specific.

So, what we have there - by simply regarding experience as 'solid' - is an 'original truth' which encapsulates time from A to B, where the male would then emerge after a transition B to C as between C and D. You could see this as a chain of sausages, ... as so from the mindsets perspective the environmental change first needs time to "kick in". On the other end however the mind does not substantially change. There isn't a 'new' sausage, sotospeak, its ... the same sausage. Now, however the mind works here may have to remain a mystery for now.

One thing though to me is that ... "OK" ... lets "start right there" and say: "OK, male ... then". So, the 'first pixel' in our Universe is a "male block". But what does that mean? To me it means something. The "male block" is where I met my Love ... and ... as suggested: By plain virtue of this opportunity my mind - whatever it was - had a chance to cover new grounds. And those naturally turn into things true about me. Those things cannot be changed as far as their causes remain ... true. And I think mind is here flexible enough, ... more like prismatic goo than ... sensible glass.
Mind beyond substance is however ... different. "1+1=2" ... thats ... a conclusion wisdom is capable of hosting which we can ... well. The knowledge of why it is true allows us to 'exalt' this meaning ... "cutting through the substance".

And so is 'us'. Where we initially say "this and that". We pick our line and we walk on it. And its relevance here is entirely symbolical.

So, OK, male. Then the next step is 'Slave'. To pick a term as simple as it gets. Well, ... 'Sex Slave' to be specific enough. And now, ... how is this a thing? Well - I believe that 'one' thing that can kick you off is the way that these two terms relate. I am hinted at emphasizing that between the first and the second, ... there is more than matters than just a simple understanding of those two words. So, the mind as a whole is a thing whereby the first pixel reflected upon something. "It is there". But in truth, at the point that it was there - there also was more. But I don't want to get an accurate causative understanding of it 'all'.
So, once A to C made up 80% of the time, with C to D making up 18%, the mind as it continues to exist experiences itself vastly outside of the 18%. So, the second term can here come from anywhere ... not restricted to the 18%.

In the construction of whatever that has to be constructed to add hard objectivity to these things ... the second term here comes with an independent depth. It would want to be constructed individually, independently.

So, already: The way how these terms interact ... or belong next to each other ... is confusing. "Why are they there?" - or - "What are they there for?". (I do suppose that with right guidance it won't take someone quite as long as it took me to figure myself out).


Well, what now mattered was the 'two terms' thing. And yea. So, while the male spark so "assembles" - I wonder, ... could it be what it is just as of me picking up an extroverted side? The thing now however stands that volume A to D ... or lets add another one, A to E, so ... as time progresses 'E' for reference becomes older and older - and smaller and smaller. As this growth however is the same sausage repeating itself ... there are so the things it takes with itself ... over into the next phase.

Here is where the first pixel comes into play. But 'male' ... just doesn't complete it. In hints we had it with "things that belong to it", ... like relationships. One image now goes to show that A to C are now "there" surrounding C to D, ... where now C to D can be thought to have dominance into the mind, thus carrying on into D to E that way.

So does the term 'feminized' come into play. So that [[male][feminized]] is the 'one thing' - rather than just 'male'.

And it makes sense when thinking of my "gender struggle". I grew up as a boy, getting little love for my female side. For the better or worse. The issue is that this male image I existed behind always used to be a farce ... well, generally speaking. Then does [[male][feminized]] outwardly make a woman, ... and further is the 'male' now regarded within the context of 'feminization' - which ... is something where I would otherwise get to start writing about runes and seals.

On a further note does the 'slave' term also evolve in a way that then lines up ... "Runes-and-Seals-wise" - representing the second. And so its just a matter of some mental gymnastics to then also go forth and invoke the third one on the suggestively same basis.

This is then where we can talk about 'value'. Runes and Seals have always come as a topic that invokes some sort of human-to-human relationship. So, ... where originally we would talk about some random incident that happened in someones life, we here would talk about some random incident that happened in someones life 'plus' the extended meaning of its social implications.
Where then marriage as an act of commitments establishes one fundamentally real basis of social values.
And social values are what we identify through?

Well, without them ... what? And with them ... what?
Sure can we adapt, ... but whats the point when with those that have the same that you do?
I mean ... what I mean is that ... "social bullshit excluded" is there something like ... 'higher synergy' ... as maybe by just talking of potentials. And God can make it happen that we ... uhm, ...

Where was I?

The [fem] 'adds' meaning to the [male] - as any arbitrary term would, ... I guess, ... and thereby generates a 'split' of happenings that build a somewhat consistent understanding of the term. It also resembles a scope wherein now, well, ... 'marriage' can be a thing. Or would be. Should be?

Figuring them out and putting them into a list however ... that was complicated, ... so far. It for instance took time until I could fully relate to the second, although rough outlines had been present since the first. And so is the third yet a bit ambiguous to me.
So was the story of the first seal, no matter how simple and 'clear', yet also always somewhat confusing. But at this point I can put all the little pieces together.

"Things have a place now" - at least, there is a start.

What I think are memories of the pre-terrestrial are supposedly "fake" ... I mean, symbolic. I have a neat little room in place of C to D - and it serves as foundation to something I called 'the Spiral'. There in 'room 2' - here D to E - I understand something of the conditions I live in. These "produce" 'Wedding condition 1' - yielding one symbol in one row on this line. While the conception of Runes vs Seals didn't come in a clear order I at some point had to resort to one inspirational 'assortment' of things ... where now the "strange" thing happened on the second row. While on the first line everything sortof focuses on the feminization, the second line is a bit more diverse. While in the 'first' stage the second stage was all about mental submission (mind control, programming, ...?) - the 'superimposed symbol' is about pregnancy. So, there is that row of things whereby on line 1 I get a pussy, on line 2 I get pregnant and on line 3 I get ... into despair. Those are I would say the 'runes'. On the other side there are the 'seals'. ANd in between rune 1 and seal 1 there is now that symbol initially retrieved here; Which then would require the other two lines to show something along those lines as well. In deed is there then something missing on line 2, basically 'the seal' itself ... but how?

What is the seal?

When thinking about that and looking at whats missing on line 1, I get ... that the 'satanic symbol' was missing. So, the rune goes to show genital femininity, the "thing" goes to show a marital bond, but now part of the concept of the seal itself is that it is satanic in kind. What I thereby see is that the 'light' is "at home" in the "thing", not 'the Seal'. The Seal, ... there "would be to add context to the light" ... in a different setting. ??? Anyhow is it then more clear what I'm looking for - and so is that. 'Rune-Light-Seal'.

But what does it mean?

What are they, ... outside of three symbols in a row?


Well, complicated ... maybe. I mean, ... in all the ways I got it wrong there yet was some sustainable logic ... which eventually eluded me. Now that is basically down to getting the ideas split properly, ... and into the right order. "If thats left to mean anything".

And yea, pixel logic seems to apply. Or, somehow. We can apply a pattern and say 'this box is good for 'that' thing' - and so we have to drop the right thing into that box so that on the other end everything comes out properly. In theory this should fix certain systematic aspects, setting us up for ... what we end up with.

Looking a bit closer, ... the construct of the pillars seems to converge with the construct of the 5 levels. There was a hint at that. I don't have anything, really, in place of where the throne would be - an environment that would structurally intersect with "the throne room" - but 'images' seeking validation that sit more around the outlines. And its a 2D image ... showing a rectangular split through a cylinder.

So, 5 levels. Outlines. There then is a below the throne, ... and that has certain effects on my male identity. So - to cut really deep into the psyche, ... I guess this is it. "Bottom Layer".
The way I experience it, its layout is I suppose ... "just fancy". It is a part of our mind that would basically never ever be of any meaning or sense to anyone - but God can transform it into a neat place. So can we ... I mean, as ... some kind of inevitability we eventually end up cultivating our fringes. Making space and thus ... inevitably ... creating 'interesting patterns' ... if you so will. That way we however also get more focused experiences, ... as ... "mindset gateways". Hmm ...

Well, it doesn't really matter all that much because ... a lot of it is void - its shattered ... and subjective. But certain things that are just there are woven or tied into it. Thats how it is there.

At 'the bottom' of things I can now regard 'multiple' things that exist in parallel. The first 'rune' does impose a situation which is contextualized by the seal - which draws a 'simplest truth' that can be taken outside of any social context. This experience takes 'glory' at a 'fundamental' level that 'radically dominates' the internal self-awareness. It is 'the first relevant thing' as something that has a story leading up to it. SO here 'infinity' is taking shape within an image through which the individual has an objective amount of creative freedom constituting itself. This includes the freedoms of being submissive.
SO here my 'female' experience is enforced through a satanic ... "something". That in turn has value to the 'light' of it - where now the 'wedding' has me 'sealed' as a 'slave/bride/whore of satan'. Which is still ... "roughly translating".

So, the "energy" by which it is established ties into an individualistic universe, its 'value' is an objective 'item of interest'. Whether or not that now just coincides with the [fem] part? Or is it that, ... just in more detail?


What I now am there heavily depends on Gods authority. While just 'whore' might be too vague in terms of 'what it implies' - we can't really depend on too complicated structures for evaluation. We would here again depend on God to give us something that we can work with. The work we have to put into it individually thereby corresponds to our own respective randomness.

So is there however now that which God permits - and when ignoring Runes and Seals I come to look at volume D to E and find what this 'freedom' of "being such and such" means ... . I so mean the freedom to make of our social life what we please; Given that we are just a handful of people looking for a way to be with each other. So, before we get into larger social constructs. But whatever we attract the most or are attracted to the most - that would be 'one way' to go about ... acquiring stuff for ourselves.


The thing is now that while God establishes these things there is an impact on the individual - and if I look at my own past, its effective subconsciously. So are there things I realize about myself that I in hindsight can see the effects of. As the [[male][fem]] thing goes.

Moving on to the second line, ... I do have some fear that I might have to change things up. So - the question there is that as I have a form, ... how accurate can my statements get? In regards of the pillars the next step certainly is slavery, ... yet now a question could be: Be more specific about 'what kind of' and have a second choice leftover, ... or leave that for the second choice?

The Seal finally speaks a volume of itself and would 'once again' carry over into the next line. So - as I am enslaved somewhere on line 1, that is then a thing that now matters on the second line. What this however does is that it adds one more piece - and that piece now also serves as link between my male self and the rest of me.


The question however that seems relevant to me right now is ... how much of this should be relevant to me and how?

How far can I let "it" be me?
...


As by my mindset I'm free - and so far I've experienced that living an 'anti self' yields unhappiness.

I am free, but feel as though I happen to be impaired - and would find the reasons for that impairment within my psyche.

And so is that a constant struggle. Finding a way to be myself without being too much of myself, or at all ... that all comes with trying to be different where necessary. And so is a question: "How much is necessary?" leading into "How much of me would be left?".


I struggle to find some meaning between 'farce' and 'reality' - while to a degree I'm also further forced to evaluate the potentials of my contemporary freedom, ... "vs. that". Which is weird ... or it looks weird once suggesting that I don't exactly know what "that" is all about. But that aside - me is me. That I seem to never be able to get anything right is one of my greatest worries there.

Now - in truth there is no logic that could limit the amount of "free space" that I get. So, amount it to volume "X to Z" - 'the now' - and deep inside the female self casts riffles ... while in my male form I step in to overshadow them. My inner self then grows without being allowed to become real which then creates a distorted self on the other end. My well-being is here tied to my psyche while my 'real self' randomly stumbled through existence. So, while I'm still the same sausage there is some part of my mind that I carried over - which is me in a state that won't change. Or, there is a place at the bottom of it all that is going to change the least. That beyond a margin of how things matter in average.
That is also then 'full' - at some point. It so comes once 'growth' is no longer sustainable, because of how the structure and priorities are aligned. If so an addition challenged the established priorities - well - one has to stop and consider.

Now is there however also some kind of prophecy. If the state of my mind is enforced to be that of a sex-slave, so by God, ... I should so come to exist in sexual submission. On another note would 'that' be where my fundamental 'desync' happens. That I don't exist within such conditions - which is now, ... how my mindset is what ... "would occur to matter the most".

Complicated?


Well, what am I? And now seriously - I get to see it from a new perspective. So, maybe ... with a bit of cynicism? Lets call it a new level - one that has been forced upon me. So - the abstractions of my life, those that came as of my 'randomness', that my inner self doesn't acquire now float there like some sheet of fat on some water. This eventually then accumulates a sense of its own that is 'grown upon' that which came before ... so - a new sausage in a way.

So, basically cynicism that is grown upon whatever efforts of mine are associated to this 'esoteric stuff/"tat"'.

As of that I also disassociate with myself in that I look at myself now passively - so, me in my mindset as I would look upon myself through the given presentation. By living in accordance to my inner truth - and that corresponds to the part of me that actually (wants to) live(s) - I make experiences that now either do support or contradict its "claim". So objectively I know of the joys that I have ... that ought to be there in regards to my psyche. So, as my psyche inflects a mindset of submissiveness onto me - thats always been there as part of my 'mindset' - even while unconscious of it. The things that matter are matters of its design. Me being 'the Pet' of someone else so as a structure whereby I'm inherently dependent on some master-figure, while further giving me some peace and comfort in my position - as much as being taken care of is concerned. That goes with my mind and is something I continue to struggle 'against'. Going out to buy groceries is something that doesn't come naturally to me.
It wouldn't stick out at first - especially when by reference I'm used to being on my own - and once clear, I also have a somewhat specific idea ... which, ... helps me basically to protect myself. I can tell me that "this truth" relates to "them" - and until I am with them, none of it matters. Except for those things that do.

And ... is it ... a trap?

Well - I mean ... thinking of it this way: "I avoid the answer by implying that I have certain joys". Now - the real issue there were, how much of myself do they "weigh". ... err ...

So ... 'intoxication by art' ... what is that?


I would say that while I expose myself to porn I am more likely to talk/write about sexualized ideas. But the other way around I could ask: Judging from my psyche, how likely am I to expose myself to it?

If my 'first pixel' is in and of itself a highly sexualized "cube" of perversions down to satanic rituals - how likely am I to watch and/or enjoy porn? And what type of porn would I most likely prefer? And how much of that would have to do anything with ... what I am?

Well - it adds up, I suggest. The desire for something to objectively express some certain given 'thing' is certainly appreciated above 'not' having it.

Now, 'pixel one' is one thing - and for what it is, it "inflects" upon me - and by that measurement, well, I exist. My psyche is one thing that exists as constant to my mindset - and in reference to it the joys that I "get" further establish the associated individual ideal. So are the joys empowered to come together in some sense of identity; While also we could speak of the psyche as something that generates some kind of alter ego. ... ?

"I like what I like the way I like it".

This means that whatever 'joys' we can see there established are established on some response from me. That why - or how - its there. What final conflicts I have are concerns about "what if" I wanted to do something else?


But something I also want to have touched upon is an issue of volume. So - the first line is one thing. Its there, at the bottom. So, there's the seal - another bottom is in the spiral, another one at the pillars and yet another one within the levels. But it all basically comes together around the same thing - which now, or at that point, is more diverse as by the multiple layers it is composed of.

The extended importance there is that they are to be 'built upon' - so, whatever doesn't change is a good foundation for that. So, what I am of the things imposed onto me makes up a volume worth of experiences - and what I further need or don't need would be taken from there. There it happens that layer upon layer my mind is shifted into more and more submissiveness - and I would argue that the second line is mostly about the volume the individual seeks ... to build on. I mean ... once I give into the reality of my joys I'm like sucked into a larger space of consciousness - and the way it impacts me does certainly ... well, it works against whatever else I might have. How to say?

I get to experience myself in that larger space ... well, fantasy, ... which however at time also stresses me - and it negates whatever "male alternative" there might be. And thats just another thing that is.

In the sense, ... it complements how I feel on line 1 ... uh, to go and impose some sense of mind control upon me on line 2. Compared to my mindset now however - there is immersion that I don't have.

Which means?


Well - for now the feeling that concerns me is that ... what I make of myself feels like a farce unless I acknowledge ... death. That part. It would be part of the 5 levels thing - which, in the idea makes a lot more sense than once I try to make sense of it. But vaguely stuff comes together.
Well, there is a ground Level. It would encompass a few things that 'emerge' from whatever - while at the basis being some landscape with architecture in colors and shapes that I like. Upon that there then come social layers - and at this point the attitude very much insists on "in scope" standards. So, without bullshit: Why I would be in love with a person and what would so come from it - based on the things established by the Light.

So, while I might now be in some public spotlight - "hello" - that realm goes to exist as first of all 'independent' to all outside nonsense. Here we come to a place that corresponds to our intimate expectations.

One thing I might have to express specifically is that ... as I tried to tell: What I am as of line one has an impact on me - by which I mean, ... my adaptation to it comes with positives which happen to be in favor of more ... of that kind. So is there the situation of what I am - which then makes clarity a practical thing to look at - while the bondage I have going with it is basically something different. But whatever marriage I'd be in, my partner would have to have some stand to it. Or whatever. I can't be a whore without anything that would put me into that place.
Now, with God - I get it that as of what I am there is no reason for God to act against it - and so 'can' God give me 'presents' that underline my submissive reality ... as He in that regard doesn't need to worry about social constructs.

But critics would criticize that I would so never come to be anything on my own. So, God should allow me to dominate him for a change, ... in example.

Well.

And we're so being honest when saying that my 'motive' is [slut]. [[whore][slut]]? I don't think they belong together that way. The point though is that I have a certain pleasure at the bottom/core of it all - and God knows very well about it. And at that point there is no question that I do like certain things. So, by taking care of a structure that is nourished by things God can further feed - what happens?

For once is this suggesting that by giving me certain things, God nourishes a side of me which then happened to be some consequence. And that consequence now - that ... is then something I have joy about. If that is sufficient to get into snuff ... not the issue right now. This right now is just to make a comment on our individuality. If I now like something more than something else, is it because God makes it so - or what? Did I never have the chance to like something else? Well - how could I make a decision?

By bending one way I'd be in for more, unless I had some counter-weight. ...

1-2-3-4-5, ... so, 3 is the central level. On the 2nd Level, in transit to a center on the central plane, moving up from the bottom - to me ... everything is round about suffering. Some romantic association however to being ... the victim to sexual abuse. This also "reaches down" ... into the bottom parts of the pillar ... and leads to the center on 3 where ... again there is nothing. Void. And when looking for stuff, ... a wild mix of all sorts of stuff, ... .

When it comes to me and my 'inner dream' - the 5 Levels are a good way to start. It also helps to get away from overthinking ... the other side at least.

There are basically three rings I can speak of. One that surrounds the center, one in the middle and one outside. The outmost ring would resemble something like a wallpaper - what I see when looking outward, from a perspective of looking in. So, here an outside matters that is projected from the things inside ... but in a way that also resembles the perspective looking in from the outside.

Snuff there to me matters on the first floor ... leading up. That is there. When looking at the 3x3 grid however it would be the 'top' edge, where left is front. What matters here is that ... on one side this tile seems to be about my growth, ... something ... deeply intimate, ... and death is what I am imposing onto it. In regards of the pillars it is what sits between the top and the bottom - or it comes in there.


And yea, ... in conference with God, ... this means that God has "put me into my place" several times. 'Gifting' me with all sorts of things, ... I might say 'general promises' - and one bit that technically concerns me is that - he understands my kink for suffering!

So he knows how to put me into those situations I like while pivotally ... satisfying ... certain nooks and crannies - ... that get me a bit frightened about my future. Though - speaking of the whole of me - excited is also an appropriate term. But yea, how I perceive that promise is also kindof down to my mindset/mood. But ... still, those 'deeply relevant things' have a certain pull ... saying that, at this point for instance I'm rather torn 'into' my excitement than out of it.

And as so pondering upon it it got to the point that I was left with Madonna as an idol to worship - and parts of that am I still trying to figure out.

But looking back there was the thing with the prism. Now it all lines up within the 3 lines. Well - confusingly enough Monica was also always on top, but here Madonna comes first. And so it lines up in the three lines. While left on line one I would still open saying "Slave of Monica" - the line goes on into "Prism 1" which is Madonnas. In that realm, basically opened by rune 1, she is my Light - converging around a sacred ideal of depravity. Internally experiencing myself as looking forward to "it" in a state of fright - basically forecasting that/how 'it' will cast me into further deprivation.

I don't have any real clue just yet - except that the more in touch with a certain ideal I am the, ... well, ... better the reward that I get from it. And once I try to escape, like, ... thinking that this isn't good for me, I end up with God and he comforts me in the things that so get me back into it. Well ...


[enough for now]


Thats the point - for my own wellbeing. And continuing on that line has me pray for it, ... . And yea, made up properly - I see "her" in the mirror. That part of me thats keen on getting me fucked up. And thats a relationship I like. And thats me. For ... however far it goes ...


[...]


If you don't like these things because of politics or whatever - fine! What ... can I do? I say I'm a Christian, you think I'm a Christian. I use a word holding my understanding, you use a word holding your understanding. Where I can now show you how my Christianity is different to yours, ... some misconceptions have been resolved.

What am I to say? That I applaud everyone abducting women and children for purposes of all sorts of sadism?

There sure is a side in my that can roll with this. But there is another one that can't!


And that is now not a problem with/of my psyche! Or, maybe it is if we twist the image enough. Then OK, good! The problem with my psyche it is that it holds features that when surfacing look a bit like other things. ... that are problematic.

As far as my mindset is concerned there is a problem with the world - and would find myself, as of my psyche, ... prone to certain things. And so the narrative of the world being the danger. It shows you stuff you might think you want - but by going for them you go places where you don't wanna be!

(Political Correctness is nonsense because there is no objective rule for what is acceptable and what isn't. Sometimes the truth just happens to be politically incorrect ... while it is politically correct for as long as it can fit into some narrative. Like mass shootings and terror attacks. "Woe, be upset and rally the forces!".)

(What else? Well - this isn't a problem of motivations, it is a problem of understanding.)

(If our politicians make no attempt at understanding our situations (class culture is a farce. I mean, it is inevitable eventually, but if its sole purpose is to give rich people some way to shit down on others, ... thats not quite right IMO) we won't get any of that narrative. There is reason to be upset - but how to make it better? ...)


Where's the line between Atheist and Heretic? Whats the difference?
The Heretic is created by the Church. Much like the Atheist by God?
Depending on the political scenario the line might shift - but, are you just against God, or against Bullshit?


So, almost every day I wake up being glad that my fantasies are just fantasies - saying: I'm glad that I am free. On a subjective level. For, what I know about this freedom that I have - it basically first takes me to whatever I have on mind as opposed to ... what?
For I have to say: I can imagine captivity far more pleasant than this freedom - and it doesn't have to get dark.

I'm glad that I can do whatever I want to do - vs. getting deprived. I guess there really isn't a good german word to translate this sense of deprivation. Though, ... it feels like it is on the tip of my tongue.

But that so were a vision. Locked up, deprived of all identity but that of a Sex Slave. There ... I may have mentioned it at some point ... is an issue ... with the twist into Heaven 2.0 that I got. I wrote about it at least once while reflecting upon freedom and deprivation. Thinking about "the motor" (I didn't use that word) that gets us going which needs its 'space' to be. Well, much like a real motor that you shouldn't keep running in a closed room.

And there are two possibilities - at that Heaven 2.0 split. Well, really there is just the one way and an objection to it. And I can see it here. When taking this 'getting deprived' and moving on like that - I'm sure that I'm not going to like it. Well, yea - change was a topic around that time as well.

And this is I guess a good example of invoking your own cheese on what is divine. I mean - if you can't understand what I'm telling you in any other way - ... what am I to do? I can tell you that you're wrong about it - but what does it matter?

A good chunk of all this topic has been about a variety of factors that diverge from that 'one narrow road' example. And if we were to yet come back to calling it a 'one narrow road' - it isn't that kind of narrow. Its as narrow as your road will always be!


If God says it works - then "better don't question that!". ANd sure - whada whada. What I mean by that is that if you do nothing but questioning it, you won't ever realize the truth!


"Basta!"