[Mental Constitution, Paranoid Schizophrenia]
I think every gamer has found him or herself in that situation where doing a bit of grinding to get some edge was a thing. I remember back in the days playing Super Mario World on the SNES collecting One-Ups for the road ahead. Now I'm somehow reminded about Duke Nukem 64 where my Brother and I once played Deathmatch just to get to some ridiculously high kill count.
Later there were MMOs; And I never played one prior to my "Ascension". Well, the idea of farming or grinding however left a bit of a foul taste in my mouth. Yet I think I would differentiate between different kinds. Still, the idea of farming or grinding left a bad taste as it would give someone a ... "foul" advantage within the game based on silly, mundane repetition.
And right away an image formed in my mind. Someone with a lot of stuff getting the admiration of passers by and being at that a social magnet who further would be able to help others on and that how start some sort of social engagement which ... well ... I would be left out of I guess. I have some sort of a memory ... where this "friend" ... that "Angel Guy" ... was talking to me while something like Napster was opened on his Computer, telling me that thats how he's gonna beat me. I wonder ... .
So however the constitution on my mind - or - things, when given shape that way, start to make a little more sense. Where-ever I would be, I'd have some strange concept of being outside of the loop. A concept filled with strange stories about me that draw me for crazy or something. And I guess I played that part well.
Its hard to say. How I should think about it. I however also noticed a strange shift amongst the Mormon community where I got baptized after some point in time. It was as though someone came in and told them weird shit, that I'm this or that, and from there on ... well. I was of course not to know anything. Its hard to say whether all that is just paranoia. "Schizophrenic Paranoia", or uh ... "Paranoid Schizophrenia". I guess thats what the official diagnosis has been so far. I certainly fit that bill though.
I don't like to admit it, thinking that it doesn't affect me. And well, I do happen to have stories where the Paranoia was actually warranted. Else I would have to believe in this magical world where no harm comes upon anyone. Where theft and all those things don't exist. And I can't do that!
In theory schizophrenia could very well just be the name of a symptom which much more is the consequence of minds with a certain sensitivity. A sensitivity which in the social chaos of today simply causes weird issues - I suppose - hence we might label those "psychosis'". Yet not to be forgotten is the general idea of strange dopamine imbalances. Perhaps dopamine also has something to do with that sensitivity. Maybe passively - produced as the mind starts to make experiences in this realm that this sensitivity senses. I guess, to be more objective, that those experiences would cause all sorts of "regular reactions". Anxiety for instance. However while not produced in the physically tangible they would seem ... unexplainable.
Or drug induced.
However. The disbelief that any of my "paranoid perceptions" turns out to be real is like a big black wall that further even repels me. Hence whenever I get to points like these where I've "spoken aloud" about what turns me inside I have troubles acknowledging it. In a way, ... I would rather hide to not see things confirmed. Every once in a while I however also noticed things that just fell right into place as a confirmation, but ... I couldn't give any examples. Anyhow - I had to realize that my general memory only reaches back 3 days. Whats past for more than that is naught but a distant memory.
So I'm well confined within my paranoid little mindset - shutting my eyes tight to not see the enemy and try things anyway.
Sometimes its hard for me to believe that there is no such thing as a giant underground network; As it simply constitutes a huge chunk of what I supposedly recognize as whats going on around me. Or wherever.
Its also the only explanation for how certain things I do would be known in the way I would think. That there is something as a ghost-version of this site. Thinking so I would get upset and be like "why can I not know?" - but as I however would arrive at def ears I might as well just be crazy.
Its however a tough nut for me to crack. Its like ... I can't have traffic. Its just not a thing. ... I know it. And the statistics show. Yet, ... somehow ... things seem to ooze through. And that how I guess I need to be sure that it is ... Schizophrenia.