[Disbelief and Victory?]
A thing about my Bondage Kinks disturbs me. And it is one of those things that I frequently got on my mind - but then when I write stuff it slips between the cracks. Although, I tried to write about it once, at least. It would say that my pleasure in bondage is relative to the persons attitude towards me. The person I'm attached to I would say, as there however is in first place some sort of deeper connection. The idea would so be that if someone I like would hold a hostile attitude towards me, I would experience that attitude in action while associating to it romantically. So that even quite literally if someone gave a shit about me - I would ... well, be into that somehow.
And I kindof have to think of it that way because I see changes. What remains however so far is a general baseline.
In course of moving on I've "learned" to let go of whatever I was holding on to. So at times I believe in certain things while the very next day I wouldn't. It has been a general theme at some point where I would constantly write about "my clarity" to find myself somehow disturbed by it the other day just to then at some point be compelled to write about it again. Ultimately I've come to a balance of sorts - which now however seems disturbed by these changes.
In essence I feel embarrassed by believing in some partnership between me and anyone famous; But "just saying": If it so happens that Madonna was in deed against me for the longest time then this previous theory gains weight.
But I also feel ... terrible ... for stating this last bit. And it seems legit that if I'm the One that I might have a chance to be with someone famous. Well, given that I don't seem to be able to find anyone around me! And there are traces - signs - here and there. Yet, there's a deeper problem that concerns me.
I ... realize that ... I forgot about my past. I went into that previously, though from a different angle. I so previously had to think about my Bible again, things I lost, and my conclusion as to why I yet did get to keep certain things. Those things that I "was allowed to keep (sotospeak)" they create that feeling that the loss wasn't that tragic, or not tragic at all. It creates a bit of an illusion suggesting that I didn't loose anything at all. But with whatever I had gone - while not having that much of a feeling of loss - its almost as if I never had those things. And aside of the implications for you - it messes with me more fundamentally. Well, implied for you is that I don't have any of it anymore and all work put into it is gone just as any work I could have done put upon it. Taken as truth its tragic, taken as lie ... not so much. But more to the point do I fail to properly rationalize the loss. The facts of these losses and their implications for me. I can so see that certain things of the things I entrusted to my Mother are missing - and there is no other conclusion but that someone took it from there after scavenging through my stuff. But I can't really get it into my head and react or act accordingly.
This is also as it is with the Transformers movies. For the longest time I've seen it as "their" work. #PretentiousPrime. Now, the 12, 14, 15 series is a victory for me and a happening that tells me that what I was thinking was true. Additionally I had the chance to re-present my own remixes to myself and it did stir up some minor issues. Also did I get the impression that they play some bigger "Matrix-ish" role thereby. Its baffling to now think of it all and see things conclude somehow, but ... I ... can't ... 'dig it'. I can't rationalize it. I can't believe that what I believed was actually true. I can't believe that anyone has seen it - I can't believe that the victory is real ... I ... am bound to yet believe in another failure.
Like I'm supposed to do something that I'm scared of doing. As I'm sick of trying anything either way.
I would so think of living a "normal life" - and while ignoring whatever I believe in I somehow normalize this ignorance; While what remains is the recognition of a fucked up life. And the fact that I still do the things I do because its ... my purpose. I can't do it any other way. I have to keep going. While yet any step is a failure I would think that I need time - time to balance myself out, to get a clear mind; And thus whatever I try to do is holding me back.
... LOL. Could it be that the whole SJW Hollywood thing is a derivative of them trying to explain how Transformers wasn't as successful as anticipated?
I wonder ... what the whole story is like. Sometimes I'm scared to hear that ... everything was dark and reigned by evil. Like believing that anyone who ever made a name in Hollywood only did so because the Antichrist made it possible. I would though think that certain things speak against that, ... but well.
Looking back I realize that I wrote things that I now think I've written because I was actually fucking insane. I was writing things I inwardly knew wouldn't work the way I wanted it - but I'd not think about it again and let it out anyway. But ...
I now think it was part of the plan. The plan being that in any other way, the victory would have been ours because they did something wrong. And that would however have been stupid. So God gave them the perfect plan and all the success they needed to succeed - just so that it would fail anyway.
That so is the theory I have right now, yet wondering how any of the success of it is gonna work out. I'm lost, stuck lamenting my inability to do or get anything right; But well - Gods revenge is ... Gods revenge!
But I have lost hope and faith in it actually ever happening! I don't see how anything I ever did and still do is getting anywhere, ... so how could anything come from it? "In due time" God would do His thing, that how! Good enough - but now that I've seen the end happening in this situation, ... I can't take it seriously. Its again ... a thing done and lost in the dark. Its a fun memory I guess, ... but still I now worry that I may have thrown too many pearls unto the pig.
Part of what makes me female is entitled to outgrow what makes me male. Currently I'm in a state of outgrowing what makes me male in that I have grown sick and tired of it keeping me at bay. Thats how I feel about it. I was comfortable as a guy, being accepted or not, and felt confident about me all the way through. It is that which I would have to decide against at any rate should I be willing to transition. And that struggle has kept me at bay since I've seen no practical need to do so. Yet privately I would yet dream about it, wish for it, seeing myself in no other way, thus perceiving my male presence as a farce. A farce I established to feel comfortable, practical, or ... to avoid shame and laughter that might be coming my way should I begin to seriously try. Now can I safely say that this male side of me does to me stand like a Titan. Whatever confidence of faith I had in God and His guidance would directly translate into my male ego; And so my wits and technical skills did some rest to consolidate a pretty decent guy that I myself could be proud of being.
And it is this that I now grow up against - which implies that I have to have some confidence to overcome my own ... shadow.
The word Alter Ego however triggers a different story within me.
Its about that inner voice, or ... something ... that I associate to as myself but ... in a way ... is different. Might be a "parasite" or "trojan" of sorts. A mimic? ???
But well. This "vs my male self" isn't really that much of an 'anti male' thing. As so ... properly explained I think. The male simply happens to be the obstacle. Or in other ways also the booster. For, it isn't so that the male thing is a thing of its own and the rest of me is the rest to that. The male 'thing' itself is more like a skin while the same confidence and such is taking shape within my female as I start to take things through that one.
But yet at times none of this feels real. Its almost as if I as a whole do or cannot exist. I'm like a walking and talking contradiction - while I'm usually feeling berated as though I were someone else. Prejudice mayhap. ... Or Trumans show?
I yet get to blame myself, questioning the impulses that kept me going for some deception. I made my way around the Matrix however pretty well. But, my failures were certainly not unexpected and "thus" not beyond a measure of control. I still got my bearings, but a couple of things are certainly spinning out of control!