My Blog

My Blog

Sometimes I'm just stupid

General StuffPosted by Nicole Mon, February 19, 2018 09:50:03

[reflecting upon personal mistakes]


Well, this kindof goes to toes with one of the things "on" at the beginnings of this blog. But first - a little off-segment. That goes to the insight that it can be difficult to talk of success and failure when writing. Well - spelling, grammar and "form-flow" errors aside - the content is obviously what matters. (And one of the things that I see/feel coming up is a vastly greater (intimate) understanding of how we're all differently unique - as why I alone can't convince everybody. Even the term 'to convince' can have different impact depending on from whom it comes. Someone who's a master of manipulation could tell you more straight up about that than I could. Such and such.)

So, there was this story from me playing Ark where all of my Dinosaurs died twice. The second time was more of my own mistake. Well - now there's a third story to that. I just lost one Dinosaur that however has grown onto me; As its the only Dinosaur I took to Ragnarok and I've gotten 3 successful single Griffin tames with it. The Server on which we played got full though, so we moved out. I just wanted to take some of my stuff back but noticed I had enough kibble for a top-level griffin, ... so I went out to look for one. I totally botched that one. But that isn't the important bit. I've tried something new, sortof succeeded but forgot to close the back door, died, respawn was on cooldown, had to wait 5 minutes and during that time my Argentavis died. Well. So I was there without Dino then - far off of anything to get back to the Island server on which we played - and somehow I felt like going for an adventure. I was sortof bent to still get a griffin out of it - but with almost nothing ... hmm. I first tired a Pteranodon - and I got unsure about whether the time is worth it. I thought not - walked about ... ended up at a steep cliff, wanted to look down, slipped - and yea - I thought: OK, I might land on the ground and I could easily pick up all my valuables; But landed on a single rock thats just out of reach without a good flying mount. All yellow stuff and kibble gone - back to entirely naked - and that was the day.
The story here is that in hindsight this whole sequence felt ... well ... kindof scripted. Like I decided to wander about just to drop down that cliff just to land on that rock. While I was totally ... well, "thinking", that I was doing the right thing.

I thought to take this story and explain ... well, what can I explain? Well - to 'think about' my story, my doings, from that angle - of kindof unintentionally but inevitably screwing myself over.
Yet - there's another take on this event that has come to my attention. I'm 'never' lucky - I guess - when I play "Ninja". I mean - getting into a survival game and being all careful. Trying to play safe. The main reason might be because a Videogame doesn't provide you with enough input to succeed in this mindset. You can't hear a branch cracking from someone sneaking up behind - at best are there vague thoughts of what might/could happen.
My drawn conclusion to this is that there are areas where I am as stupid as those that I would look down upon.

This little story/issue does I feel cut right down to the heart of an issue thats kindof important right now I guess. Maybe one final thing I got to explain properly.


So I was laying half-wake recently - bothered about something formulating some text in my mind. And it revolves around my IT project(s). I don't know from which angle I got into it - and this isn't really the only thing that comes to my mind, ... but its one thing I - ... have a more objective touch on. I mean - its ... a thing. And a thing I can relate to right now.
So there is the issue with glitches. I guess I got to this since I've been watching a good amount of speedruns recently. When it comes to that, ... I've encountered "glitches" in my own programs. Or - errors of a kind; In a program thats too simple for glitches to really become an issue. SO there is this one 'bug' that I keep on writing about since its the most simple to explain ... or 'debunk'. But once I tell this story (I did so once I guess) to someone who doesn't understand IT - they would think I just stupid. Explaining it to someone who does understand IT - well - not sure. Certainly there is a margin of disbelief that makes this difficult. Or ... made. The IT guy would try to figure out what I did wrong - while my story is that I did nothing wrong. Could not. Which is why its a miracle - yet because it can't be replicated (I guess) - ... I'm not sure if I got my old code (bad archiving practices) - its just ... a dull story.

The thing is this: I was writing a program to start with my game. It was supposed to be an editing environment to create assets, maps and what not and have it all in a way that comes together as it should in the end. So I started, because that was the main ambition at the time, with a globe - but I didn't do anything other than have it the way I wanted it. Then I started with a flat plane a.k.a. "Dungeon Space" and after getting the navigation done I built a 3D Model editor into it so I could create 3D assets on the fly. It worked - although I can't say I'm really proud about how it worked - but I was about to change the wonky part as I would be going forward. I however could create stuff and put it into my map. Thats how far it worked. No menus - because I kept it simple. Pressing F1 on the globe screen took me to the Dungeon screen and pressing ... P or something ... took me to the editor. The only menu I had was to select models created.
SO it worked. It all worked while revolving around a single main class accessible through one pointer. Its not as relevant - while for a non IT person all that matters is that there is only 'one thing' through which I was accessing everything I needed. Which - well - might be pretty standard here and there. So I meant to add some stuff to my program - added a variable to the class and an 'if' statement to test it for a certain value. Pretty standard. But for some reason the program crashed. By the end I just had an empty if bracket - so [if(_ptr->var) {}] and it still crashed. Removing the if block made it work again. And it was just that if block. The "_ptr" variable is accessed throughout the function. Prior to the if and subsequent to the if. It isn't changed at any point because that would be bad in general. So - an IT guy would tell you that I then must have used a faulty pointer. But I'm pretty sure I couldn't have missed it. Was there another identifier with a similar name? It did compile - and I'm sure I have more than double-checked.
There's another bug I encountered. My first 3D Model Editor all of a sudden began to crash after I created a second thing/poly/triangle. It worked fine before I implemented triangle-strips as a thing. So I wanted to track the problem down and used 'printf' to write stuff to the console - so that I could see at which point the program stopped. I tracked it down to a call to glColor3ub. A function that pretty much never crashes. I can't see how it would. There is nothing you can pass to that function to crash it. It takes 3 single byte variables ... and whatever the bits of those bytes are - its gonna be some value between 0 and 255 and thats how ... 24 bit RGB works!

But there is a logical explanation. My programming was shit! I mean - to get to the magical if error; The point was that all the things drawn were drawn in a "Lets first of all just have it there" manner. It was ... my first real solid attempt at it. Kindof. Its been 1 year in. 1 year of C++/OpenGL experience. So, with the 'if' block I kindof began to 'build' on that placeholder mechanic - and eventually I ralized that this is the only logical explanation. Thus being encouraged to rethink the entire approach I however kindof figured that starting over again would be better. Thats just how my mind went about it. And so also the 3D Model Editor (the glColor3ub error) ended. While now I have a technologically much more refined idea of how that should work.
And thats the thing. While doing my programming I was constantly reminded or encouraged ... well ... there was an undertone of the quality of my code being important. On the other side there's the idea that by Gods inspiration I should pretty much have a flawless run. Its like ... nobody would have cared about how little experience I got. So eventually people would have argued that so God should have prevented me from succeeding with that code.
Which in reverse means that my progress is somehow locked to your expectations. Except we'd have it the other way where I'd just have code better than anyone else on this planet ... "could even dream of" ... but then I'd be having a piece of tech at my hands I'm not really sure of ... it being such a good idea ... to have it ... since, ... how safe am I?
"If you walk through the fire it won't kindle upon you" - well - in which way? Should I 'open' "Pandoras Box" on my computer and just be like "Its gonna be fine!" - or could I just not open it ... no matter how hard I tried?

There is I guess a third way - but, writing code that is supremely advanced while not being convertible into a "doomsday weapon" should however turn out to be counter-intuitive. So - I would want to write good and efficient code while the inspirations would direct me another way - and so I'm bound to fail ... for the time during which I don't understand!
Which even solves the 'inspiration' issue - quite conveniently.

If the story however were that I just had to fail ... in order to not get stuck in my noobian code and be constantly encouraged to evolve ... its kindof the same thing. The story is still that I'm pretty much at the beginning of it all - and that because the beginning sets precedent for how the rest will be working out. Its a part of IT that I tried to explain frequently - but however I approached it, it usually "ends up" as an argument between whether or not every assembly of code is somehow salvageable. So - you can take the code for a calculator and turn it into a ... weather app. Even if nothing of the old code remains - the fact were still that it was there during the transition. Whatever. ANd then I had to say: "Yes, you can hack everything, potentially ..." - but I might then also just start over!
But why? Isn't that an "automatic fail"?
Where I got the complaint to say: "Fail where? In doing what?" - since, listen: The story is that I was on my mission trying to establish contacts to advance the plot - they turned out to be uninterested or whatever and so I had nothing better to do but to start programing. Is it now my fault again that 'YOU' just won't get 'YOUR' lazy butts off your couches?
#"Blown out of Proportion".

As of that comes the impression (although all of these considerations do only exist in my mind, arguably) that all that 'my opponent' does is preying for something to turn into a huge mistake on my behalf - a sign of crushing evidence that proofs that I cannot be trusted with whatever responsibility that I'm supposed to hold. (But I don't need to be good at everything other than the thing I got to be good at. But what is it? "Isn't that the question"? - You might though "ask" the one who's supposed to be that one. But how would you know who that is? ... sigh. What a fucking hilarious shitshow! Yea, welcome to my epic!)

(And no - the variable I accessed (magical if error) wasn't at the end of the class. Matter of fact I checked that - just to be sure - to have it somewhere I knew was safe because I was using variables further back in the class as well. But I did have a bad feeling the moment I implemented that variable.)

And there's a bit of an urban legend to accompany that mystery bug issue: No code/program (?) other than my own will be capable of constructing a globe as mine. I mean - from the technical standpoint. So - instead of creating an Orb from triangles, I'm constructing an orb from squares. Obviously most of the "squares" aren't legitimately 'squares' and the same could be accomplished using triangles - but I liked the idea of squares while it aligns with the classical 'Tile based' way of how games were made. And this might be true - or else Breath of the Wild might have actually been playing on a globe!
I mean - I mentioned it before (and by the way, ... when it gets to Nintendo its not all bad - that comes from me) but that ruined citadell/church that was seen so often during the earlier presentations of the game - I've seen it. Back in the days. I was wondering about what to do - and the projected consequence of one thing was that ... well, was it? However did I have the image of that citadel on a globe-ish thing. Not a huge planet, more like Mario Galaxy-ish, ... but not that small. Would make for an interesting entry I think. Somewhat (subjectively) Links Adventure-esque.

And of course this is 'us' just being egoistic I guess.


But now to the other thing. It can be constructed, from what I've been telling thus far, that whenever I write about Sex I might be inevitably screwing myself over. That story implied that I possibly should return to the Island with all I got and not go hunt down another griffin. And yea - there are those things I tend to overlook. Like, there's BSE - which comes from feeding cow bones to cows - ish; Which is something against cannibalism. Also are there biological reasons not to do incest; At least ... to the point of procreation. But eventually we can continue on this path and be against smoking and drinking. Which - well - we should be, I guess ... but ... do we want to wear protective gear when playing pool because a ball might bounce off the table? Does this argument solve any issues?

So, I could have gone and hunt down a griffin, or I could have returned home with a good amount of kibble to tame a maybe better griffin later. It was anyhow only 130 - which is ... kindof OK but to be on the good side you might want nothing below 140 - beyond a first try.
What I have slowly gathered over time is that my issues with clarity persist. I've tried to get into a "God might expect something from me" mindset multiple times - but things always played out the same way. So either I'm supposed to rebuke those things on principle with no real foundation of doing so while also growing more and more unhappy exponentially when even just thinking about it sometimes (now/here for instance) - or thats just it.
Eventually the term 'esoteric plane' came in - and when moving further on that end we have to acquire the insight that all of clarity is pretty much just there. So, while my mindset is that of an enthralled sex-slave it doesn't have to say that this is what my life is going to be always. Its then only relevant to me and my intimate affiliates - in a way of status quo and stuff. I mean ... the words here are just to spawn a vague idea as I don't have much more to it. I have the impression that words can't tell - for one reason or another. If you want to argue about it you have to note that you only have words without a matching experience as to how the force works. You might think that you can objectively comprehend it - but you're missing 'the depth' at which it works.

But for now I'm done here - with this.


ANd yea, thats it for now!