[rambling about stuff]
So - just as an interesting bit to have on mind: Try the search term 'cruel' on your favorite porn site. What do you think you'll get out of it? Well - to avoid you ending up on "the one" site that hosts different content - on my site of choice the 'victims' are mostly male. Like - in one out of 20 ... or 50 ... videos a female is.
On another note did I just find 'this': [http://www.spiegel.de/wissenschaft/mensch/youtube-facebook-co-sehend-ins-verderben-kolumne-a-1192615.html] article - which is pretty interesting.
And I think these two items create a neat contrast in the given context. What are we 'made' to see - and what is 'actually' there to see?
The whole Anti-SJW agenda is basically all around it. It has evolved to that point I'd say ... and that so because the SJW nonsense drove those that disagreed ... down that road. So there is the "women get paid less" argument vs "women also work less" counter-argument. And if thats not enough ... men do the riskier jobs and die more often. Both can be casually reviewed as equally unfounded/full-of-shit.
But yea, I've ended so at the "bottom" of YouTube a few times. Which as of that article is the point where you only got Horror and Conspiracy nonsense left. But thats where the Cool Hard Logics and Captain Disillusions come in. Makes for much better content! Captain Disillusion is definitely worth checking out.
I've been paid once to piss into someones mouth - and ... I didn't really enjoy it. In a strange way. Some weird feeling. Like, getting pebbles rubbed along my 'felt' vagina. Hence I wasn't too eager to do that kind of stuff from there on, ... while some little bit of dominance ... different story.
I've been paid to sit on someones belly and rub my butt around it till he'd cum ... which is one of those ... ... well, I didn't touch his cock. Thats the thing. And thats been a more frequent customer of mine.
This is a side of 'men' you don't get to see ordinarily - I mean - which is why they'd come to the likes of me.
And the way I get to remember those days; And also how I feel about myself - or felt about myself during those moments - it ... tells me who/what I am ... 'again'. As, what'd I enjoy more than ... [that stuff]? Maybe that last guy I mentioned makes a great example as I too enjoyed myself during those moments - and I believe that mostly because I enjoyed my position there ... as an asset mostly there ... just for the looks it would seem. Some rather useless presence ... maybe ... yet free to feel ... arousing. Or ... stimulating.
All just superficial?
I don't think, but ... to an extent.
As I previously wrote about 'words' - I here have the same issue with circumstance. There's this "figure" that is now eager to "understand" ... how all of this won't make sense anymore. ... Sigh.
I don't know ... what to make of that ... or how to handle it.
There were cocks I liked to suck, there were guys that sucked mine in a way that made me feel alright - and sure, ... recently the 'gay' parts of me have again become a bit more dominant. Still not saying that I'm gay. I'm not! That won't change! It ... can't! But I'm certainly into men when it gets to the "real stuff" (just sex) - as a woman though - which is a 'but' ... I can shove in, ... but doesn't change the fact that these things are true no matter my gender. But guy on guy action so isn't my thing! Generally.
And there were others I didn't like to suck. Not out of prejudice ... just ... the time itself wasn't fun. It was a pain eventually to get those to an end. Sad story? Well - a simpler story if we knew more about prostitution. Like - whenever a bitch complains about a guy there might be another bitch thats actually into it. I remember one day where some customer chose some other guy. 5 Minutes ... or not even ... later he came out and asked me to take over because he couldn't handle it and I found myself totally enjoying it!
So there was this one guy who got his hopes up that I might join him on his holidays ... talking about his wealth and making hints at "hosting" me ... like, ... by giving me a place to stay. In essence quite an attractive offering, but that guy ... well ... nope!
Saying that people have their fantasies and they don't always align - which isn't saying that there isn't a way. Like - the 'swap' situation I mentioned earlier. On him he had no luck - on me - more so.
If I ever was afraid of anyone during that time - it were generally folks that I would categorize as people that, ... well, ... would seem like being 100% socially integrated. Guys with immense self-confidence while showcasing the douchiest of behavior. Well - the stuff that some horror movies are made of.
Just saying! (Not sorry!)
[slow and sarcastic] "Sorry!"
The average drunk stumbling up the stairs ... generally not an issue and wope ... back down they stumble. I mean ... those alcohol corpses that seem to be only capable of following some malfunctioning internal GPS; Where its hard to say who's more surprised about him standing in front of our door - he or we?
Oh yea, the right tone. How do I get that straight? Gots to be complicated. I figured that the best way to get started in that way is to make analogy to music. Like ... how my internal mood and thus "effective sound" is like a melody. So - somehow. More like progressive trance. But not like ... uh, ... words again.
But sometimes I have the feeling that times where I'm totally chill (more like a calm and "solid" baseline) ... get taken as me shrieking around like a banshee after getting its testicles removed. While I sometimes ... or generally ... talk like that ... so, in an upset tone ... thats just correspondent to my mentality. Calm until I just got to shout "Bullshit!". "And look at that! And here and there! And whats this?!".
Now that I think of it - I feel that its kindof rare that I get to talk in a totally relaxed way.
But before this whole issue is sophisticated enough for me to start using musical notations prior to each sentence ... uh, ... can we set this aside? And how would I denote this? High pitched calm with offset to expected laughter. ???
Eventually I'd have to start using notes alongside each word while also some way of distinguishing different instruments.
Good look finding someone who'd love to do such. I wouldn't even if it were done for me!