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Where do I find myself now?

General StuffPosted by Nicole Thu, May 17, 2018 19:13:23
Well, first of all - this might be temporary. So, until I've forgotten, dropped my guard - or - whatever. Well, how does it happen you ask? One does not simply ... . Well ... the thing basically is that every once in a while I find myself in that 'weird situation'. In general that situation allows me to do something - along the lines of ... harassing them (RTS terminology). Like there's some direct link and it somehow involves me and - I simply got allergic to complying - basically - so ... . Eventually I got better and better at it - until just earlier. And it must have been there in the mindspace. I did my thing, they were already pissed - or 'she' - and then there was the thought ... might be better to just let it go ... and yea. Apparently it just took a tiny nudge at the end.

That - however, lets assume this was it and I'm clear from now on, is like ... yea ... getting them a taste of their own medicine. A very ... gentle and generously selected one. Though, another side of me thinks that this may have at all been Game Over for them and "what I got out of it" would just be for convenience - or well, to avoid unnecessary agony. However. So - the medicine. Well, its "everywhere". The issue that the less you know the more gullible you are. I just recently watched the start of Deep Fried Fat commenting on Mormonism - and ... I don't know out of which hole he dug that picture of Mormonism but to a Mormon that is as alien as to anyone else. Ironically. Most of the 'weird stuff about Mormonism' comes from outside of Mormonism. I don't doubt that the story of Joseph Smith is sketchy and OK, the whole translation thing. Thats mainly what I "think of" when I refer to 'weird stuff' ... uh, the strange act. It it all might very well be just the way it looks like. Except for the Book of Mormon maybe.
However - with that being out there - it is really hard to become a Mormon because no matter how good you are at sugarcoating things - ... uh ... well ... that Vision of Lehi with the dark fog comes to mind. Unless you really just and only care about Gods word you're either looking for an escape that works well enough or you're out!

Well, the picture I want to draw is one of threats and people cutting them. We can see that between SJWs and ... well, the rest I guess. We can say "OK, they have a point" - and that way eventually grow numb to the nonsense/damage they procure. Do we need the right to insult people online? Well, is this a discussion about censorship or about manners? "Oh, its the same nowadays".

So is there a rope thats getting cut. All those people who just don't fit into the SJW world order - thats nothing to be concerned about. More power to all those that have the power to silence others - well - who already are silenced for else such activities would create a larger outcry. And yea, thats one of those things. Because this group has no real 'voice', they can be 'shoved' into the "Alt Right corner"; So, they're nazis. And because the ropes got cut, there's no space for recognizing any wrong there. "They" (the Anti-SJWs) "are wrong for not ...".

I find myself in a similar spot. When I think of my heart - one of the more aggravating ideas of how they might have "done it" is by presenting it as this 'thing' - a universal good of sorts, given by God - so, its all 'true' in a sense; And whatever I'd do would kindof be like claiming that its mine. And the matrix eventually won't help me out there. Oh yea, and there are - I guess - "RNG deniers" as well. Like they just can't hear it. Its pretty much like "because 'they' got 'that' - whatever I say must be bollocks (and therefore there is no need to go check because you/we can already tell that it won't do anything) ... or ... is there a good enough "even if" argument to be had? Well, 'even if' it turned out that I was right - then, I was right and we had ourselves a bigger conflict at hand.

But well - upon mustering the words to tell about how I feel I realize that I've been here before. Though previously there was a certain 'naughtiness' to it. I don't feel ... I mean ... actually having your "emotions" match that of your mood - basically, for the lack of better terms - thats quite a treat!
But I'm not really buying it I guess. Time will tell - I think.

Otherwise - the problems for me personally would only be there in regards to things where my heart factored in; And - first on the checklist might be to see how the topic itself impacts me. So, generally any hint of sex of any kind in combination with seeing me in the submissive spot, well ... its like a black hole. Getting too close ... and I'm gone. And I think thats still the case. Except there is no ... suckage. "The gravity isnt there".

Thats another "time will tell" thing. So far one thing that does stand out is that I don't have that 'male desire' anymore. So far the thing has pretty much been that I thought of a girl ... and I guess alongside clues about where my eye was traveling I eventually expressed real interest and somewhere in that this ... 'desire' would come up. The freshest case in my mind is Taylor Swift. By the way - she indirectly is the reason for this blogs existence. I've seen that Chris Ray Gun video and for some reason it triggered me to have an opinion of some kind - a way to express it besides everything else. However. I generally looked 'straight away'. From her. So until the last last jedi rant. Then it became a bit more interesting and upon investigating her 'that feeling' became stronger. Not yet 'that desire' - but, well, like once you're watching a comedy and there's a really good build up and you've got that tension where you anticipate a great punchline. That "yiiii". So - some time passed and eventually expressed my interest in a more serious manner and thats where I'm "back in the zone". Where I'd generally write of the feeling that whenever I look at someone or mention someone, someone else is "gonna get 'em". So, I suppose thats where that "male desire" comes in. I mention someone, 'he' gets ideas of grandeur, but while he's like me - in the appearances - I've got these weird ... affectionate desires.
Not having them threw everything over board for me. I'm back at zero - essentially. And thats good. I mean, I'm bothered by knowing certain things; And yea - I so have feelings and I want to know if I'm right about them. But, what good is it? Whats the point? I mean, the simple and obvious truth there is that if I date someone outside of religious concern - I might be in for a surprise. Good or bad. Else, I'd be looking for someone 'within' ... a society that doesn't exist yet. So all of that is pretty much nonsense. So, questions about legitimacy basically boil down to the demand for a permission to masturbate/fantasize.
But well. The lack of these male desires also gets me more in touch with myself. Once I'm thinking of a "girl"(/woman) I first of all am curious about how it would work out if I were a girl - and thats where my interests juice is at. But when then 'getting off on it', there generally were those male desires that "blocked" ... "it". So, being female then made me feel ... betrayed, ... at a loss, ... the counter sense to which would be that I should be a male so that people could look at me and see Gods blessings somehow. Well, thats gone now!
Though - be careful! I so often miss the chance to mention those tiny little details - like, possibly they were switching things up - and that might be the case still. Ugh. That feels horrible. Anyway. Its gone - and the way things look now is actually corresponding to my mind and spirit. I mean - the heart isn't 'everything'. Whatever it is. At this point I would say it is some kind of internal mirror. So, primarily I'm looking for being comforted as a female. And when thats given I feel good. 'Then' I can look and think about being comforted as a male. When that happens its good as well, but pale in comparison.

Was that it? I mean - the problem with not 'getting it back formally' is that I'm totally unsure. I don't know what to make of things and here and there there still are 'fizzles' of some sort. "Micro-conflicts" that might arise from simply not being used to it. Yea, seems like the hole is back there. And then, where do we get if a tiny slip-off of the mind is enough to bring about transfers like that? On the other side, would we really be free if we couldn't? But then, how do I protect myself?

My best bet at this point is to ask God to shut the functionality of my heart down. Unless it is 'perfectly my own' - but then, how to formulate it in just the right way? So yea, just shutting it down until I got a better idea.
Well, this sucks! And by the way: There maybe isn't a heart per se. Its just a thing I "signed off" and 'they' would go and look for a way to capitalize on it, thus coming up with a way of how that transfer is to be understood. And while I do have strong reasons to believe that its serious - I don't own my heart nor soul. Except I gave them to someone else. ... I really don't want to deal with these issues. It makes no sense, but then again ... what does?

I'm sorry! I really am! Would I have known what it would do, I wouldn't have done it (giving away my heart and/or soul)!

And if they slipped up and gave it back to me and yet could come in and pry it off of me - then this should basically have fixed it!

I need help!

And I think thats all relevant info I can squeeze out of myself right now.

Well, else ... I think ... it starts to dawn upon me, more and more, ... "just what" - uhm - ... . Well, we can look at the "Overworld" and take notes of how dense the politics is between retarded left and retarded right and see that as the consequences to deeper hidden truths. Or realities. But yea, I ... since I started to tweet had this ... really strange feeling. I really can't sleep, I feel ... its a mix between nervous and sensitive ... and squeamish. I'm 'freaked out' in a way and a part to that is this idea that I'm at an ... "infinite disadvantage" basically. Or was. Or as ... that wouldn't matter ... its a hot mess between who knows whom and what and who doesn't know or care or see or whatever. Its like that one moment of extreme tension at the end of a story, ... like Speed Racer for instance, ... just stretched out across days. Or actually ... weeks.

And its not over until its over.

By the way. Starting June 6 I'm possibly going to jail for 24 days - so, the majority of June I won't be around.