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I don't care

General StuffPosted by Nicole Tue, January 30, 2018 07:21:19

[Rambling on the worth of Politics, Identity and Video Games/Experiences ... somehow ... a little]



Well, quite a variety of shit on my mind again; And I'm contemplating about how to phrase my concerns best, ... considering its worth - wondering about what matters. "Big Politics" might be the obvious trainwreck to tackle - but whats the point? The issue simply is that it feels like people nowadays were so fed up with nonsense left and right that they just stopped to care about 'news' - and Trump would have been the cream on top of that - the uber clown to turn even the last of those that payed any bit of attention off from giving a damn, ... but thats not really how it worked out. Right? Well - its tiring! Isn't it? Just get into it on YouTube and see Trump coverage left and right and ... if you ever stopped caring but chose to switch in a few days or so later ... you find yourself surprised that its yet getting worse and worse.

It seems like they're now trying hard ... fighting to cut our attention of whats important in this world so that they can hike back into the shadows ... . But wording this more general like: "People don't care about news anymore" - well, any uncareful wording would seem like a proper setup for failure. What is it that we got to be concerned about?

I however got to realize that I'm far less significant in all this, ... than I would think. Well ... it depends. But when it gets to how the crowds move ... I'm totally ... hmm. Underestimating my worth? Well, no! No matter how I estimate myself - people gots to be upset about Bullshit themselves. I mean, thats the point. I mean - that ... either you realize the Bullshit yourself or you'll never 'get' what the heck I'm "complaining" about.


For there certainly will be people in place to tell you just how stupid I could look when looking at it at a certain way, being provided with certain bits of information that don't seem like there is any space left for another view but if you just contemplate for a few moments you'll realize that thats bullshittery.


So, this topic is an odd one. And yet what concerns me right now are Video Games. Or ... "Monetization". Not much of a topic, just another pile of stinking garbage ... and for all the mental and emotional investment I've had into this subject - I simply stopped caring. Especially when it gets to these bloated "AAA" games ... I've never really cared about them anyway. Back in the days life was easier ... but now we have the Internet to start worrying about what we ourselves like and get a good dose of bias about what we're interested in.

But no, my main issue here is ... I don't know ... I guess ... what I consider "Antichristian Arts". Which ultimately however gets me to write in a bad manner "down" unto those that are hooked to it. I mean, 'cool stuff'. Cool stuff is cool ... right? We've had it here recently with Star Wars. Where ... The Last Jedi can be as "Star Warsy" as it gets ... filled with 'cool stuff' ... we eventually ... don't care about any of it.

Whats cool? In the end ... this is about Supremacy.

Playing Ark I came to wonder a lot about what I actually want. I figure that it takes a long time to get all those fertilized eggs I'll need for the Titanoboas, ... and eventually I'm just too fed up with all the repetitive shit to make some more ... and maybe I just feel like I have enough for now to get me 'one' ... to get started. I just figured that I spend a lot of time building, ... and nearing the end of whatever I've built I start to question the worth of it. Or ... why? I just sortof finished building out the perimeters of my own part of our Jurassic Park, ... and while I have some purpose for every "square" thought in ... well, ... I'm still conflicted about it. The main base is large and a lot of it isn't even used. But the goal is slowly taking shape. Once I have those ... boas ... I can relax and say "OK" - technically we're "Cat ready" and then I won't have trouble looking forward to "Boss Ready" Dinosaurs.

But all that aside ... I'm strongly conflicted regarding my own self-worth, ... in a way. While building there are those moments where I feel totally hype about how epic what I created is ... maybe ... and closer to the end thats the opposite. And so I'm bouncing back and forth between relatively high and relatively low "self worth" - which sortof kicks me straight into an identity crisis. One that I also felt in Destiny ... or Destiny 2. The issue there is that with Character customization you're sortof coming to a point where you want to express yourself in a way, ... and there is this strange thing I can't quite get a grasp of.
For what I can get a handle on the issue is like ... dress like a Badass and you get shot ... dress like a noob and you rock. Its not that simple, ... surely, ... but the same back and forth ... was going for me there. Its like ... there's a quest for true self-realization that just didn't go anywhere. And anyway ... from the sources I watch I've come to be informed about ... I mean, ... obviously "Character Customization" is a selling point. Its nice when its fun - but once money comes into play ... .

In Ark I can customize my armor too. And I don't care as much ... and have less trouble with just having some colors on the stuff I noticed I end up repairing rather than throwing away ... and if I loose it ... not much of a problem. Craft some new stuff, maybe paint it ... and done.

I am not perfectly happy with the Character I created, ... but comfortable. The Character creation isn't really sophisticated anyway, ... and so ... well, whatever!

ANd yea, at the very least does CC help a Multiplayer game in that people can look different from each other - but for some reason something inside me wants to make it a bigger deal than it possibly is.


I guess its the search for some kind of satisfaction ... that just isn't there.

//2018.01.30|05:01

...

I get to think: Maybe the problem is that I am confused about getting my ego damaged. Since ... most of the time I'm not searching for anything. I'm just ... enjoying or trying to enjoy. I play a little, get what I want ... am sortof happy - and then it usually starts. "Got to change this", "uhappy about that" - and sometimes these "dents" basically "damage" things I ... liked. Which is why I eventually ended up mentioning some paranoia about ... its in the MacGuffin stuff. But maybe its more sinister than that. Maybe nothing at all.

I just get to this 'damaged ego' thing because ... yea, well - how was that again? Its hard to tell, ... the confusion is within me and mostly I'm confused because it doesn't make sense. Its like I'm arbitrarily being punished for stuff I don't know anything about. So I'm trying to adapt ... and the end result is basically only that I'm thinking lesser about myself ... and that time and time again.

Its not that I'm not humble. I 'am' humble - but apparently not humble enough. ... Hard to figure out. This was just a flimsy example.

Maybe ... looking into Ark might help ... for I'm getting the same issues there as well. But how?

There is this "pusher" I was writing about ... and ... its basically the 'way' he is that triggers me. I think he's a nice guy, ... but judgments like that ... I would say are generally 'bland'. Whats a 'nice' guy? So I get to think of the story with my "dear" neighbor again. The "Toilet guy". So, he apologized some time after ... for a while I was worried he'd just get hyped up and upper in his anger. Well, he apologized, I apologized ... and there's the trouble. Now I'm basically saying that I'm somewhat OK with him being ... like he is. I was saying that he improved ... but still ... hairs in and around the sink?
Anyhow - its a sympathy trap. Is it good or bad? I mean - in this situation its a relief of some sort, ... but ... the situation is only somehow improved.

What concerns me are these 'psychological traps'. On the good side it helps those "awkward people" integrate, ... become accepted. On the "bad" side - its just that. Same words.

ANd how to value that? Its ... similar but more aggravating when the issue isn't 'objectively perceptive' ... but ... I mean, less 'material' but more 'intellectual'. "Intellectual Dirt" sotospeak. There are people you eventually start to "bend around". Saying, you're used to their bullshit and their ways of not acknowledging your criticism that you start to lie just in order to please them. Pretending that you agree with them sotospeak.


But yea, when talking of 'peoples ways' - I have to express some reservations. Once starting to look at people that way you may end up taking a pattern of personality into mind and putting it onto someone else just to see if it checks out. But you can also do the same to yourself and ... then should figure that this isn't something we should do.

But well. SO, this guy ... "the Pusher" ... he has a strange way of getting me triggered. So, recently the server on which we played was down and we was worried that it got shut down entirely. So we tried around starting anew until it eventually ended up being there again. By then we had somehow agreed already to try out another map, ... and so, since we've been back at our server ... things went sideways. He's totally up into moving to "the Center", ... I looked around that map and couldn't get happy with it. Its a paradise, for sure - but thats my problem. Its a "retirement map". Yet he consistently keeps on saying awesome here, awesome there - he's totally invested in it and I don't find myself there anytime soon. Couple to that that he can't install his own generator and fridge - calling on me to get that stuff done - and ... so ... whats the issue? I get angry, somehow swallow it, ... to what result?

At this point it happens to be so that my emotions are somehow synced up to his behavior. His hype for moving to the center is somehow shared with me. Whenever I spend some time there for whatever reason, unless he isn't around, I feel encouraged to stay. And thats perfectly normal I assume ... considering that these "empathic" thingies are more general, ... and just of his own amazement for the map. But while I took maybe 2 hours to look around and realize that this isn't my place to be - he spent hours and hours and only ended up getting more and more into it. In a sense to me that is a statement of just how much above everyone else I actually stand ... but ... that isn't in everything. I mean, I'm human. I got flaws. But maybe my flaws are still ... basically above everyone else. Though ... just so in the whole package. A flaw is a flaw. Once they've accomplished something I start to feel bad about my own progression. I feel little ... or rather, ... belittled. While just judging on my own ... I'm doing fine. I'm playing for a bit more than a month now, ... and my own tames, ... legit or not, ... imply an Argentavis that came out on 165 and a Stego at around the same. Or higher? Well, my Bronto came out at 192 or so. (The thing is that Dinos only gain 70 levels total, ... and here the thing is that each of them gets (got) over 200, which is something of a tier level. 300 is - I gather - what'd be getting towards Boss ready. So - I'm not 'there' - but for the time I've spent there I'm doing fine!

I've got a good amount of eggs, ... and 'can' ignore a bunch of Dinos that the others already have ... . But sometimes I feel like Teamplay is bad. Its a weird zone between being alone and being not alone. We help each other. Our resources somehow benefit us all, even if they basically just are 'one's. Damn I spend a lot of time just building!


Well, anyhow. "Going easy on him" is what I do. There are issues, and sometimes there are just those days where I'm just generally more salty. Those are the days where the building system "decides" (apparently) to be even more illogical than it already is ... . I mean, I kid you not! Been trying to replace a sloped wall with a normal one. Sometimes it goes, sometimes it doesn't. This day it just didn't, ... but eventually I moved up close, looked at it for a while, ... and then it worked.

Sure, assuming that there isn't anyone watching and trolling is more far fetched by now than the opposite!

And since when did pushing square take me up one folder?

Glitches?

Whatever!


Anyhow. Belittled. Its odd. On the one end there is the issue that they might stay out of the main base so there aren't any issues about who built what. On the other end nobody is using it - and so a huge chunk of that ... "slightly" lag-inducing base is basically useless and the rest of our perimeters are "littered" with other "slightly" lag-inducing structures.

So yea, this game has ways to really get me angry. I mean - getting into that ... there's a huge dump I got to take on it yet. To just get started - I can't figure out ... where the lag is coming from after I die ... when the game puts you to the 'map' where you can select a spawn point. Its a fucking 2D menu screen. Are it those animated hexagons? Hell. I mean it. Sometimes ... its just unresponsive for what feels like an eternity. The one time I counted ... approximately 20 seconds! From beginning to end this game just 'yells' "overcompensating for something". And don't talk badly about my tits there! THe thing is ... if even the "intro cinematic" for one of the companies involved doesn't entirely run smoothely, ... you maybe should reconsider ... whats feasible or not. You can there also "PC Master Race" me all the way you want - the game is ultimately built on the premise of "getting used to it". Because "epic".


Which takes me back to the start. Monetization. Ark is vastly 'free'. I mean - silly to say it, but, you buy it and then you have it. No hidden extra cost unless you want to spend some more for the expansions, ... to which there is no point until you have ... some resources at hand. I guess. I mean - I suppose its similar with "the Center" and "Ragnarok" ... two free maps that you can't easily settle on unless you already have some strong Animals to help you out.

And yea, I assume that the game is "perfect" - saying that there are excuses for everything. The building system is totally aggravating ... but I suppose it adds "charm" to the buildings. Or lag. Lag that ultimately forces you to build differently - and whether that is good or bad for ones creativity ... well ... is possibly ... a matter of opinion.


But yea, I got to think of how EA sells their games. Its similar - and yea, its the "Graphics vs Gameplay" discussion. Well - Minecraft succeeded because ... err ... Graphics? And no clone with whatever better graphics was able to get even near it - and I'd argue thats because the improved graphics lessened the ... well, ... playability. Modern graphics systems are however a bit different. Stuff can (in theory) be done 'parallel' to other stuff, ... so, you can do whatever minecraft can do while the graphics would be basically a separate system. Its amazing what "these things" (Machines, Consoles, Computters, ...) can do nowadays. But ... it seems like people got somehow high on that. Having no sense of ... keeping it real. "Moderate" isn't in the dictionary.

But that is only a tiny fragment of the whole issue. Or ... the coating?

I got to think about Anthem. The trailer and images are ... stunning. "Awe Inducing". But thats ... well ... something I'm ... allergic against. So - it doesn't do anything for me. Except that I feel this "Awe Inducing" ... and hear people gush about it. To me its already a fail - and that was before any of the Loot Box issues came up. I mean - some of us would say they saw it coming and so there aren't any big surprises there - except maybe that this issue has become viral.
"Finally".

Although, I guess its generally something to be acknowledged with care. The more hype there is, well, the more is solely based on emotion. Period. But yea, ... emotions are at the base of reason.

Or something like that.

So, there is this scene where ... I assume its "the Player" ... walks through this tent city with this huge robot walking by before this ... edgy looking guy starts to talk with you. And I can't shake the feeling that this is supposed to be what makes the game awesome. The rest is just "OOoh, look - flying through grand open area" ... and thats it. My problem with this stuff is that there isn't any real purpose to it. I got an epic feeling of flying through a grand open era on the SNES already ... playing Secret of Mana. At this point a lot of the presentation isn't worth the gameplay attached to it. It only drags it down. Period.


(And if you don't understand what gameplay is ... .... ....... ........ no .............. I'm speechless!)


But yea. I would say that this "Anthem Trailer" grade of effort would make for a great movie or "Interactive Story" - the Technical Capabilities are there - but ... the "downside" to it is that I've seen it already ... and I don't feel like paying 70+ euros to see any more of it! Or even feel remotely interested into paying anything on top of what I would have to pay for the "base" package.

Here's an idea: Sell games in style of modern loot drops. Grey, Blue, Purple, Yellow and whatever else suits your fancy. Not that its a good idea! Its just an idea!


But what is all this anyway? Aren't there those that'd say that these things are "of the world" ... not meant to last. That ... looking at the failures of the industry ... all we ever 'can' do 'here' is merely a shadow of what we 'can' do in the 'afterlife'. But ... what does that even say? So - we're here 'now' - and got to wait until 'then' to have anything cool?

"Thats not ..." I know I know ... I'm sure! Its not what you said or meant ... but that being distracted by those things is bad. Yea, thats how this thing here started ... if you still remember. The other issue however is that it would seem like ... some people are enlightened and end up doing really well - and others that aren't would still seem to think that they're kindof balling in the same league. So, what'd someone like that do? Focus entirely on graphical power? What does that accomplish? Or tell? That you can swing the whip harder?

That is this background argument we're not having in Ark. Who does what, who contributes what, ... and why is my Metal disappearing? Now that I'm stacking them Ks, ... K, ... I can 'deal' with the loss of the contents of one ... smelting thingy, ... (400 or 450) ..., ... and apparently it happens that stuff just glitches away. So that. But the part of me that tries to make sense of it without considering that is ... as mentioned ... worrying to end up as a slave. That all I'd do is farm metal for someone else's enjoyment. That I got to be grateful for having been 'beaten' to the grind so we could now have this Lag-fest of a base.


Well, I make it sound worse than it is ... but ... just coz I allowed myself to get dragged along and partake of the joy that it brought, ... doesn't say that there wouldn't be a better way. Maybe not so ... huge, ... but ... huge, ... thats what the three of us are looking for I guess.

Min-Maxing. One Mins, One Maxes, ... and the other one plays in-between.


And I guess thats the important thing done here. Why Video Games are on top of my "to write about" list. It is the thing of all this stinking heap of bullshit that ... well, ... is only such from certain perspectives. Its one thing that gives me joy, ... or a life, ..., ... good games are fun ... they can help people through dark times, ... such and such etc.. But moreover ... its art. Its a thing some of us do for fun - and as of that Video Games are an inevitable consequence. ...


...