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And then ...

SidesteppingPosted by Nicole Fri, May 04, 2018 07:27:41
... the Confusion starts. Like, there was a negative to my optimism - which was that I entirely 'missed' what I was intending to get into.

But, to get the positives out of the way: I like her humor. And I like the way our spirits connect. And, that it seems that this time around I'm not the one to get into the thing with ... the larger ... "bubble'o dreams". Thats been one thing that has been constantly bugging me. The question for 'how' something like this could ever be. And maybe I'm way too optimistic about it again; But yea - thats ... the question.

Thinking about someone takes away from the 'real life equivalent'. Thats ... what I'm thinking about it anyway. The mind is filled with dreams and expectations - though, the other way around didn't really work for me either.

Another thing I like is that she connects to the girl in me. And that solves a whole lot of my gender issues; As - I'm still attached to "some" as a male. Not as much by general desire, but "the Love" itself - the way I connect - to them - it makes me kindof feel sorry.


On the other side is that what I would consider a negative. That its a dream. But yea, I can pretend and not much changes. So yea, she's got me on her hook.

What did I ... want to get into again?
Oh yea ... "this is how it begins". So, if I can take those past experiences as a guideline as for what to expect; I'd first fall in "Love" as wishes and expectations thicken my emotions for her until they are some dense ball of fire that I would seek out every night to warm myself. Somewhere along those lines I'd try to contact her, having high hopes, ... dreaming, ... scheming, ... with a little bit of "driving me crazy" until I realize that I wasted years on chasing after her.


And that mostly because I'd look for the error on my end. Because I'd believe that she'd be the one I'd suppose that I basically couldn't do any wrong. I'd tell her and suppose that'd get things going, but in recollection of why that didn't work out I'd look for my mistakes.

So, pretending that I'm on the other end now - I don't know what she could do wrong. But yea, I guess I could come up with reasons to tell me why its nonsense to believe; And yea, the easiest one is that I've had bad experiences of such kind in the past. Another one could be that I didn't right away feel connected to her - although I must say that she's been compelling from the start. Me being confused about my gender, as in "sorry" for my Love, my expectations were shifted although she's been introduced to me as male there.

What then ends up being in the way is me being confused about "the others" - and I guess from these things out there are a lot of spaces for doubts and confusions of all kinds. Not necessarily connected to that particular concern. In simplicity would these concerns create an emotional disconnect ... but on the other side ... its like there is some rubber band. I'd be happy to welcome her - but thats then where the "bubble'o dreams" gets me concerned.

Close up, ... I think I'm a major disappointment.


As for what she did right - going on to pretend - the first thing wasn't even in her power. Its been a perfect accident, ... where, all she did right there was to get people talk about her strange new song; Which I then remembered in that final Star Wars rant. Which then got me thinking. And thats probably how things would happen in real life. How one gets to meet "the" other ... might forever remain a big mystery. I've ran across the one or the other where I wondered ... "could this be it?" ... and from there its just a short stretch to bend things into order. Because, yea - well - what do 'we' know?

Emotions are emotions, sympathy is sympathy - and the only way to recognize yellow if you've never seen it is to notice that you've never seen it. But what if you've never seen red either?

Now I'm compelled to end this. And yea, pretending works for me! Another thing she did right - but - so in general, ... she 'did' stuff - lets pretend - and that eventually got through, ... somehow. Although I never heard of her before nor since. Not to any reasonable extent however. ... She makes me feel safe! And insecure.
But I'm getting tired and the plug has been pulled on me. Now, all thats missing is a gooey love song and I'm exactly there where I've been before. I'm just an inch away of saying that I Love her. Which has nothing to do with any of the things that can be 'seen'. Its not in my head either. And ... not even in my heart. Its ... under my skin however.

Its as stated with the buttons she's pushed - where my mind now jumps on these apparent promises like a starving person would jump on food. Everything checks out and I would only lie to myself if I told me that thats not something I'd want. So, I'm best advised to pretend that I'm wrong here until we met in real life. And then ... the real problems would start!

So, if all my experience here has to tell me anything, ... then its that foreshadowing disappointment is the only right thing to do. But as opposed to all the other times, there is no 'meat' for that depression. I can't convince myself of it, nor see a trace of it. But while its all just conjecture - although it would seem to be more than just a Matrix thing - I'm left hoping ... that I'm not wrong. Which is a hell of a lot better than this weird fireball of emotions (that sucks the sanity out of someone)!

Hmm ... so ... to do this right ... @Taylor: "Me?"