Right right. So, while I was working as a Sex-worker - we had Internet and Computers there. Mendatory. After I got out of there I only had my Smartphone. So, eventually I got used to writing things on my Netbook, moving stuff to a Flash Drive and from there via the Phone to the web. Since 2015 I live in a room in a more sophisticated manner and at first I stuck to the Phone and the Internet access of someone else, but, along with getting a PS4 also got me an Internet Connection. Yes, social aid money. It may be a major distraction - but thats a different issue. I think though I put it to good use. Except you don't think that this is ... that!!
I'm so pissed about it because early on it was a major problem getting anything out there. The first video was good because it works without a video for reference. The second, not so much, but luckily I was occupied in a Work Measurement where I had access to a computer and Premiere Pro (a kindof TV station ... I wrote about it here and there) - where I consciously didn't do what I was supposed to be doing to make those videos.
My Hardware wasn't good enough to run any of that, also limited storage was an issue - and back then I had no Internet yet. Since I had it, I thought I had done what I could and waited. Since I have 'this' Computer I ... was kindof stuck waiting as well because as things were on my mind the problems were merely ideological/intellectual/philosophical, whatever. As they yet are. I just recently felt the urge to do some more - and actually I still have lots of Gigabytes on my webspace. So, whenever I'll feel like it ... I can.
But you 'demanding' anything isn't gonna 'get' you anything! Just saying! It only gets me pissed and I think thats ... coming from above!
Or I just can't stand the intellectual nonsense around it.
And yea, this recent post was necessary - thats just ... a ... how to call it? "Turnaround issue". I mean ... believing in something is once thing, then being supposed to turn the wheel for a 180, ... thats ... not all that easy! I'm actually kindof used to it, but it still pisses me the hell off! Each time again! And that because 'everything' sortof does.
In that first shelter I was I didn't have slippers yet, so, each time I had to go to the toilet I had to put on my street-shoes because the toilet was down the hallway. Thats annoying, especially with too much caffeine/black tea in the system.
Now I have to always get out of my chair or back into it, depending on the situation - which is stressful because how things are arranged. I don't have much space here and basically have to climb over the arm each time, plus a 180 turn. Onto my Mattress basically. Where I also have books and paper stuff - as everything is full of "crap".
The little things! If I want to get a book out of my cubpoard ... same issue. The one moment its like: OK, calm down, time for a break; All is good but then all of a sudden URGENT whatever ... .
... Low Blood Sugar? ... maybe that too!
Or too much of it - in the brain.
Actually I'm waiting for some weed - but that ... might take a while.
The worse about right now is that boredom is coupled with ... things like this ... that hasn't been on my mind so it ... Turnaround issues.
I partially don't get it myself. All I know is that once I'm watching Videos ... its more of a welcome change. When I have something to write about. But, after being told that I'm 'done' I think I'm done - and what runs through my mind would reflect that. So, one of the things that suck about being alone. Or having/getting no feedback ... on anything! At all!
... and all this goes 'way back'. At first ... and that I'm a bit ashamed about ... Lunch. While either being busy programming or just about to sleep because I had made the night through ... was bad enough. But it got worse. Well ... "buhu". Yea, working ... door rings, telephone rings, guests leave ... all those interruptions happened close enough together to not leave enough space for proper immersion, but still far enough apart so ... one would inevitably get immersed in something.
"Easy!" ... 10 years or so. And thinking that most of the time I was talking to a wall, basically, doesn't really make things any better! (This fucking Windows thing also replaced my Quick Search with Bing ... .... that shouldn't be legal! The only notification I got was some Explorer thing. ... [shakes head] ... and ... by the way: Why is there no easy way to get smart about what kind of stuff the body needs? We're in the 21st fucking century I thought. MORONS! "Free Market" ... yea, sweet sweet. It doesn't get THE job done anyhow! Thats for sure!)
And in a couple of days this will be somewhere lost in the belows ... so I might have to write the whole thing all over again - or have a huge fucking sidebar that nobody is able to see through. ... "Easy!".