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Ups and Downs

SidesteppingPosted by Nicole Tue, November 06, 2018 15:49:20

[whats up-date]


This is the first time I really come to the end of my sexual phase while I'm still having a bit of dope left. And this is good I guess. Well, so far it has at times been a bit confusing. Clear was to me that I've come into sexual phases often enough even without dope - yet where it those where I had dope that got me on further into it. Not that this process stopped otherwise - but its simply different.
I guess I've been at this point before though - just that I couldn't quite process it properly. Its what I recognized as the inherent flaw with Marijuana after my first few days and weeks in the clinic. That a lot of my problems have come through "bad habitation". So in this sense: I've gotten used - and thats a bit of a mystery puzzle - to being sexual; Or before that however otherwise productive. And when this flow ends - the mind is still prepared to move on as before.

So do changes also come slowly, or suddenly - in ways that I however tend to forget. One time high - work through inspiration. The other time, nothing - just chilling. Then the other time something new - and then it goes on. The new thing becomes habit until I'm back at just chilling. Right now I can't just chill however and I do have this awkward urge within me to do something but I feel like I however can't. Possibly I need to so take this break and write about it.

Maybe it is after all the 'being high' that now prevents me from doing what I wanted to do - though otherwise the primary suggestion stands as that I need to smoke weed in order to really properly do what I got to do. And so in the end the problem is "shifted" on into society. Where or while I got none - there is no 'habituation'. Thats a simple social fact. Because we're all individuals - me too I have my own life even when I'm alone. But while others - I guess - would feel null and void in such situations, I'm used to it. I'm used to spending my time this way.
Just me - yet so are the things I do and believe in practically stuck in this bubble with me. And sure - in the end it makes sense to suggest that both of these circumstances aren't entirely unrelated.

I've also so begun to think about what to tell my future Psychiatrists - to for once reflect upon what I've learned so far and to so give it a meaningful spin into a direction that matters. The point is that now that the end of the stay in this clinic is almost over (last day tomorrow) - I'm not really feeling better or more capable about myself in this life. I'm not even sure if I'm feeling that much better over all. Well, I gained some weight and to keep that up and upgrade to a higher base weight I can keep - thats a pretty tough task for me. Yet things concerning my 'real life' - there's this pressure that just gets me to crumple. Like so I tend to ignore deadlines because I'm somehow paralyzed. It then eventually 'comes to me' the moment its too late. So, the impulse - inspiration - motivation, all that.

And it stands to reason that the real problem with all this are the ties into 'this System' - where I so need to be concerned of repaying the favors that I've received. Where I need to think about how I'm going to contribute to the Society that made it possible that I could have a safety net to catch me. Yet its a little bit - moronic, err. ... ironic - since this 'safety net' practically is the fact that I can live without having to work. And in this situation I find myself in the zone of productivity. But it isn't quite ... right. So I put myself into check by motivating myself to find work - to take that seriously, to at the very least go into that direction and maybe find something. I wasn't demotivated. Earlier. 1? Year ago? No, almost 2 ... . I did what I could, wrote Applications; And there it isn't my fault that they came all back saying no. OK, ... it possibly wasn't 'that' appealing and one could find a fault in there - but the biggest problem is my Curriculum Vitae. I'm 34 and haven't really worked anywhere for more than 3 month except for Civil Duty. Oh, and ... Skyparadise. And for my own interests of course. So have I however been there and I can go back there and hope to find something and maybe I will. But in essence I feel like I'm displacing my own leg there. Shooting myself in the foot. And on one side that is a matter of my Trans-sexualness. That I don't want to enter 'work' and go through transition therein. Well, things change - but after all are there down-times that shouldn't need to be necessary.

...


A Word on Marijuana - Continuation

General StuffPosted by Nicole Sun, October 28, 2018 22:42:22
Bad Childhood experiences? Well, thats why I'm taking it here because that might take a little longer and seems, right now, to be a nice excourse - ... for now. The thing on weed is essentially closed - and I wonder what about it. But in the end its your thing to deal with - and I also want to squeeze out what there is to 'assist you' in this quest.

Well, my sadness in that situation primarily stems from how I experienced my father. By that time I had problems with my Homework. In grades 1 and 2 I ... well, I began doing them with my Grandmother and as I started to become more Independent I realized that I could also just not do them and nobody would realize it. Eventually teachers called home - and that was by fifth grade ... I guess. Well, thats where it started to be problematic because my german teacher was like that. Mr. Simm. I think. Anyhow. But there were also earlier escapades; Essentially we used to "hijack" (stealing is a bit of a bad word when regarding objects that were in our house and so, well, displacing them - eventually I also started to take money and buy stuff from it and yea - that is rightfully called stealing I guess. Our dad used to beat us with the leather belt when ... well, he thought we were really bad. And I know that at some point I started to hide under the bed because I knew I didn't do homework and was afraid that my dad would check for it. He and my teacher had an agreement that the teachers would sign my homework assignments in my book, and my parents would counter-sign it as seen. At some point I started to forge the signature of my dad - and still didn't do homework. Thus I was sent to a school psychiatrist who wanted to find out ... but I don't think got anywhere. All I recall is that I was sent away being told to do better. Eventually my dad took me from that school and put me into a school closer to his working space to have me under more control. In the beginning it worked a little but eventually I could just be out - and not care about it. Perhaps because I had decent grades anyway ... things started to be less of an issue. Or because he and the director where somehow friends? Well, they knew each other.

[...conspiracy theory...]

Some plot thickens - one I ... uh, well. If I think that my family is all a bunch of Antichristians I might also think that they are all involved in some dirty business. Or should - at least to properly reflect on my internal attitude about them. Or Opinion. So, yea, why not. My dad works at the Town Hall and in its ... "building department". So - taking care of construction issues so more on the architect side of things. "Construction Technician".
What I learned from him ... . I learned how to find the center of a sphere using lines and a circle ... err ... compass. I learned that the 'tangent' of a circle is the line that only touches it. So to understand the sentence: "That tangents me just peripherally". I learned that I had a "Lie Bag" inside of me that had to get operated out - and eventually I realized that there is no such thing. And just now it really gets me that this didn't really have a conclusion. Only that I was at a lot of different places I know nothing about. I remember waiting in a Lobby. In front of a Museum. ...

And all of a sudden life was just me and my toys. Then eventually the one and the other Philippin"ian" event - where I learned that my Mother only needs us to look good in front of others. Because all she cared about was that we looked nice - or as she'd think was nice. Or well mannered. And I realized that she only needed us for that, that she wanted us to behave but that I've never really learned it. So that we should be something we're not. That we're only supposed to look nice and smile - and yea, thats that.

Eventually I became tired of those events. I also didn't really know anyone there. There were always different faces, different people - some remained - but the eldest certainly didn't exist sooner rather than later anymore. Marijuana ... I at first tried after High School; And I didn't feel like saying no to it. Like ... as though I deep inside knew that it was good. I was a convinced non-smoker.
I however didn't really get high from it. But it made me curious and in the school after that summer holiday I met some people that made it happen. So, thats where I began to have 'exposure' to it and close enough to 'make it a habit' that I "might pay for". So the interest awakened and soon enough everything around me were just potheads and our ... tangentially periphering surroundings.

And that trend continued after I dropped out of that school and went to the Philippines.


In general I liked to think back and say that I had a nice childhood. I guess that one of the things that I learned throughout that time was that I had it well - "compared to now" - I think. I think. So - I however still understand it - that node of reason has barely changed at all. In all the time. I realized that we had a blessed, ... 'wealthy' ..., life - with lots of luxuries - that others don't have. I come to think about it when thinking about "the kids of today" and how they grow up in environments that are less and less likely to be as 'habitable'. Garden, vast plots of nature, ... storage halls in the house, a garden house, a garage in the storage hall - well, all sorts of toys, a terrace, ... . And my gramps was from Bohemia - which I learned to see through the eyes for nature. Not the biological, but just its beauty [Czech republic].

Now I realize that the way this realization came asks a question about how I got to where I was. Well - I was on my own, ... and eventually - after taking more care thinking about what I actually got - and what others have - and to think about what I wanted - I was grateful about what I had.


Well. To say that I felt alone? I think that ... I was also grateful for my own independence. For what God gave me. I think it came after I really 'felt' independent - or so, put on my own. So eventually I started smoking weed, God was barely an issue, ... and I was more concerned of what I could get. During that period I wanted a Tattoo of Dragon Scales on my right and a Tattoo of Tiger stripes on my left arm. But I also just assumed that I might effort it. And for a point - I couldn't before that time was over.


//tobacco contamination// ... the end?


But anyhow. What I wondered about - I think - is the thing that ... I came to appreciate what I have, after a time where all that didn't really 'do the trick' for me. I guess I basically felt as though God owed me more than what I had. But so I ventured life on my own - and after all it didn't turn out so bad.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaand .... Knock Out!

Fundamental/EmpiricalPosted by Nicole Thu, October 25, 2018 21:48:18
"Broken Paradise"


Well, ... next in the List of ongoing assumptions of what went wrong - I've come across an interesting bit of thought. So, there is this 'thing' that ... is like a Dead End sign at the end of any hopes of Love. "I can't reciprocate your feelings/emotions". Yea, the right word this time ;).

Yet the thing was or is that I can relate to that position. But I couldn't ... 'really' do it. I could feel 'how' it feels - but not really dig into it. But now I have a theory about it. Short: Its about positions and sides ... and/or such. And I guess thats why one of the first of my responses to her disappointing me was one of betrayal. Well, feeling betrayed by her - as she's so taken a side against mine. But its not that simple. She could even do so without knowing it. I was assuming that someone's gotten her tripping against me - like "He/She is a bad person" etc.. But well.

Long Version: So, there first were feelings that made me confident - they seemed to be mutual and so everything has basically been going rather well. And then something happened. I was probably too slow and so this mutual thing wasn't solid enough just yet so that someone who had a heavier stone in her board could slowly overwhelm her; So giving her something true and furthermore ... bonding. We could say that it probably just happened - and 'it' even might not - but so whatever had bonded her to me lost significance; And or relevance.

So then the situation was that she had to somehow get rid of me - and that is where this 'weird' time happened. I was already in a bad mood, pissed, ... and ... confused. I was looking at it the wrong way. Whatever happened would to me look like a glowing hand on a vastly black canvas. It holds her - while on the other end my hopes were that she'd realize the bond between us; And so here and there she looked at me - or well, simply reacted to me in general - seemed to support that. I gave her a letter then - and already she didn't care enough. She couldn't. I guess we could compare the situation to the 'lack of concentration' symptom of a depression. There was what she had - then there was something else she could have - and a lack of the tools to solve her conflict she couldn't really enjoy it. This is now suggestion. Else she could have simply been like "... whatever ...". So - speaking of tools. She most likely had all the tools to get rid of me - and ultimately the result was that she did. But in the situation, this isn't the only way to that outcome. Assuming there was a conflict means that while she had the tools to solve it one way; That solution wouldn't work for her - but in the meantime there was very little to take it the other way.
So she gave it back to me - and then thought that it was over. That she's got rid of me. I would think that this 'getting rid of me' thing was practically supported. Its a thought 'they' like and so due to their blowing it became bigger. And while it might not be lot at large - I think its still there somewhere at the bottom of it all.

So we get to the next situation, where I asked her to talk with me and she was like "No, you certainly don't have to talk to me". There's a lot going on at that point however. Because - in some way this response would be ... most and utterly inconceivable. Well. After she told me to fuck off - (via the letter that is) - she simply did what she had to to protect what she has and is real to her. And probably helped her counter her Schizophrenia. While she couldn't solve the conflict there so were lots of reasons to do something - and that 'act' I'd say can be compared to any "sortof stupid" thing we do and aren't sure about. Like me giving her the letter. She so sought to end it - not realizing the scope of what she has in me (and I don't mean the persona. I mean 'the Love'. The kind of Love it is. Thats where I simply "win" due to Experience) - and from there on all that it did was to act against her decision. It was a conscious decision - its ... like when cloth flips over, or folding a sheet of paper. When you then bend it perpendicular to the fold, you can't easily unfold it. The Love is like a wind, or the shore, trying to unfold the paper - but her decision is the bending; And so she then would be more fiercely counter-react. So a lot of things that I had hoped in did probably become meaningless. That so because in process of living her decision, certain things simply could not exist because they would work against it. Like so the idea that it could be 'that' true Love. It would tell her that she did something wrong - and I believe it wakes up in her every now and then - and well, "Denial is the most predictable of all human responses".

So in essence we can compare this then to a cable salad. "If this then that" while the 'plane of equilibrium' on which everything is settled isn't right. So things that can be straight are twisted through one another; And yea - all for the sake of ... not believing that the current state is a farce.

To solve this - well. There are ways - most likely. Uh, err ... . Oh yea. I almost forgot. At first she was happy to see me and then all of a sudden its been the opposite. Maybe. Maybe she hoped that we at least wouldn't grow mad at each other. And I'm upset that she just ... threw me out like that. Could it be ... ? One of the Doctors was ill that day our date was supposed to happen and the substitute Doctor had a different schedule so that came in-between; And the next Monday: -Access Denied-. Fate?
However - its a thing that she in my mind 'owes' me. But in her life it can't have any relevance.

But be it as it may. The point with 'sides' is this, that ... . Well, I firstly rationalized that 'there is no reciprocation'. Not of feelings anyhow. At all! Its not ever about that. If it is about that - something is wrong. And in deed this formulation is a symptom of the underlying problem already. We don't Love by feelings. I didn't want her to reciprocate - most obviously because to me the whole thing has already been mutual - I wanted her to spend time with me. There was nothing to reciprocate we could say; But well ... the Love. The interest. And that she 'couldn't' reciprocate because ... that was explained above. In her heart she so is invested in a condition that takes her away from me. And the thing with sides and positions comes in and reveals that there 'is' a right and a wrong. In the 'right' Sphere things shouldn't come to conflicts like that. Maybe we could think of a all white sphere/room wherein all our issues are discussed in timelessness from where we then take a balanced rational stance. A thing we don't have as all the previous items show. Or otherwise she would certainly have difficulties entering a sphere where my view of things rules. And in that state it'd be true for her to say that she doesn't Love me - but in that state this is a regard to express an absence of expected emotions. On the other hand she should find that she doesn't 'not' want to spend time with me.

But well. The thing mainly is this: If she would let go of everything and look for the center of her peace - the conflict thickens as there were two possible outcomes at least and thus her biases matter. Since she can basically tell that she's attracted to me, she can foresee that consequence at a given point and then is confronted with her biases that would suggest that the other path is right/true. But so what I mean is to ignore relationships and focus on the 'right' side/thing. And in disregard of ideologies, ... its ... hmm - I've lost the focus but I'd say its down to a more vague "where I want to be" type of thing. If she so argues that fate would have to fiddle us together again - "fate" could in the same argue that she should be pulled back to where she was/is if 'that' is the true/right way. And its not even much. Just a short moment.

And what do we learn?

That sometimes we have to 'do' the right thing. Because otherwise - we won't. By that I mean to point out, that eventually we're asked to assume certain things and the more we are dragged into a reality where this assumption is considered as a fact we forget that there wasn't anything to confirm that assumption. For instance. Thats similar to what happened after I chose to go out as a Woman. All doubts I've had - no matter how strongly they held me or how severely they scared me - were wiped away and so I started to feel a lot better.
Its like a seesaw; And what concerns us are like marbles.



Outside of this - I'm even more confused since more and more ... all the signs that used to tell me that nothing good is ever going to happen to me have changed. "All signs/lights are on Green". And here a picture of this ... "underwear" (broken glass lingerie) - although what you're looking for are the cyan "tattoos". Its different - but takes more to the eye than just a bunch of lines.

And here, the Definition of 'demon':
A concept of thought and wanting that requires an individuals Life to be considered an Entity. An individual “possessed” by a Demon is in itself considered a Demon (/Demon Entity) as it (the Demon) completely overrides the Individuals thought and wanting as by Design.

Happy, so Happy!!!

Fundamental/EmpiricalPosted by Nicole Tue, October 23, 2018 16:58:05
Well. I'm in a relatively good mood concerning my all-over average the recent time. And that so concerning the times since I started to feel better. In a weird way I'd call it the climax so far - although it isn't necessarily 'that' Highest peak. Well, in a lot of ways this is basically of delusions or illusions. And I think that from the perspective of Unification in regards to non-Unified comprehension. It is true ... err ... right ... to compose the idea from it that the states of Unification, concerning the Force, are comparable to delusions, or illusions. Self created ones. Well, the thing is that God sits deeep in our minds. To draw a comparison: If we compared ourselves to Planets, the crust being our physical appearance maybe, probably, the mantle would be this place between mind and body - well. We need to be flexible and mind the real spectrum as opposed to getting stuck on which Layers our Planet truly has; But at some point there is the 'core' - to say: What everything else "sits"(/rests) upon. So rather as the rock upon which there's soil upon which there grows grass. Its not to be understood as a Force that acts 'through' us - as though hands reached into our minds. Its more so at the bottom ... "of the essence" ... of each and every thought that we produce as much as at the bottom of ourselves.

So, the point is that whatever happens in our psyche is just in part a matter of our surroundings. Simple story: We have a new fellow patient and he's got some Tourette-esque condition where he says 'shit' all the time. So in Relaxiation today everything was silent and at some point a silent "shit" came from somewhere in the room - and I had to laugh really hard. But I was the only one I heard that payed any attention to it. But as I couldn't stop myself from laughing and so silently laughing while trying to suppress it - others started laughing a little as well. So - the point is that we didn't react all the same. It now would seem that others had the same tendency to laugh about it inside - but my mind was in a state where it found that ludicrously funny.

And strong emotions so are things that eventually break through. That so in comparison to others that didn't have the same urge - or not to that extent - had something else going on in their minds that simply flowed into a "vaguely" different direction at that point.


So I get to say what I wanted to say, that certain Highs that I've had were probably just ... "empty Daydreams". Hope that eventually got crushed. And it reminds me of my first "Psychotic Love Interest" - though the strong emotions rather made me cry. It is as that the realization that my mind tried to Ignore inevitably confirmed a different reality. But at that point my mind was bent against that, by being interested in "elsewhat", from which perspective the 'true fire' (???) appeared as saddening. And since I've had some ... and the emphasis is on the plural ... experiences where it made me cry from joy. But the other time I don't know anymore whom I was thinking about, but I remember writing of it. There's a feeling of relief - a point sitting deep inside me that craves for compassion; And so the 'dream' that she'd say she Loves me - in a way that suggested to me that it was real - basically vented my hopes into joy. But ... this is not ... "pure Relief". This is a term to keep in mind now, as it is what this is mostly going to be about. As anchor point - something that we can commonly relate to. I would say that I have 'heard' it from others also. This 'sigh'. It comes out often during Depression Group, relatively, where I think that these are moments where our minds overcome a certain problem of ours. Sitting in Depression Group, well, ... it first of all is labeled 'Psycho-Education'. So, "PE Depression". There we learn of the causes and symptoms and ... from it I understood that these conditions are in deed taken seriously. And I have the impression that many people that end up there are at first unaware - not knowing that there are others that feel the same or even worse. And as a little insight, there's the 'Stress-Vulnerability-Resource' Model. Leaving Resources aside, the thing is that when Stress and Vulnerability reach a certain tipping point, things start to go downward. Thats accounted for in a spiral of doom. Negative thoughts feed negative emotions feed negative actions. Like withdrawal. And Vulnerabilities are part of our individuality. Thats my add. And eventually stress bypasses our vulnerability thresh-holds - and then we still have resources to handle it. Basically the problems so are there but our minds can still counter-react those things eventually. But when these then break away, we 'do not' have any resources to then 'fight' what is already 'actively draining' - and so Therapy is also a lot about providing the necessary resources to get back up.

And so there are these moments - and they don't even need to contain a strong conscious element. I usually felt somewhat void - but in that void also relatively ... good. Or not negative. The ... 'peace of the living' maybe. And that in itself came as a condition that just made me deeply sigh and it feels just ... good. Cleansing. It doesn't mean that everything is good again, but its a "bed" - basically - to fall into for the moment and take a deep breath as to see the way ahead ... not directly and more just like ... not filled with anything 'depressing'. Nothing that 'burdens' the heart. Whatever. Anyhow.


But that now didn't suffice to make me happy. Not at all. But so - there was the ... 'liberation' that I've written of previously; And so just yesterday I've somehow come back to it - but the experience was entirely different. As I've wondered about the "proposed knot" between Light and Dark people I also have at some point come across a Diagram. But it didn't fully make sense to me yet. I reflected a Lot, but missed to grow the path towards the way God now supported it. Or 'would' support it.

So I've come to lay down in my bed and ... somehow I found myself able to fully ... lean back ... into my clarity - effectively. And none of the concerns that I've previously had bothered me anymore. And I think I even can point a finger on the pivotal moment from which on this became possible. As outlined in one of my previous pictures, is there the issue of 'normality' in terms of an emotional state as opposed to an ideological one. This transition from a non-sexual vision into a kinky one that was part of the same emotion it became clearer to me that a lot of my "stuckings" are simply ... well, we could say "cramped" parts of my mind.

In regards to Marie I gathered one pivotal truth. And maybe whom I love there is just a placeholder - and if its not but she still doesn't Love me - its probably because she hasn't uncovered that part of her mind yet that would. In those moments images of individuals that I had on my list appeared to me and showed them in a way that related to me the way I understood it from Clarity, with the emotion that I associate to "their essence" "in tact" ... err ... so, confirming itself, just so in a way that showed them as different from 'their Norm'. So, "Lady Samantha" to me appeared one way, emotionally I recognized her another - but the two became one nonetheless. Now is there again a different appearance of her that then would be that which corresponded best to me. In similar ways would I be different in private relationships - and different from within one to the other - so, being there in ways that others wouldn't normally see.

Now, that part of me that 'clicks' into position as 'my Light self' - is part of the reason why this 'liberation' now comes with a peace greater than before. Earlier I would write of peace eventually, but in a somehow oppressed manner. So also the feeling. A coarse roughness which to my mind back then was like 'spice'. And so the difference is yet as from salt to sweet water. Well, "sweet" ... who said that? Well, there was a joke. Why does the "Schwob {['shwOb' - long 'o' as in 'aaaaaaaaawesome']}" [local natives here] say 'sweet' water? Because it isn't sour! Clear water. Spring water.

And that would probably also tell you more of who I am. Well, that self is the part in me that wants to be a whore for everyone. And that is apparent to me as something akin to wishful thinking. It is simply that bit in me that so has these wishes - but wouldn't normally come out 'due' to social normities. And by social normities I am twisted - a twisting that lets me 'relatively' speaking crave for ""!!Rape!!"". Enjoying the feelings of captivity. Though in relativity to this new-found peace the sensations of captivity shine slightly different now. And something like a deeply depressed condition within me slowly starts to change it seems. But that then more in relativity to this new-found peace. Its a wishful thought that so even renders my 'Light Side' - we might say: "The purest wish there is" - and that one I so would generally experience in Darkness as per the social norms. To take it into the Light side ... might now be a thing of finding a Light spirit within which this wish now could flourish. So, overriding the pressure of social normities through the 'dome' of our relationship.

Within this state then a clarity emerged that I already new of - but I had not felt it as clearly before. A webbing of sort - like a catsuit basically - or a set of lingerie - ... so with stockings, belt, top, collar and gloves - that mostly consisted of strings arbitrarily woven together in the shape of spiderwebs or more accurately: shards of glass. And the "Aura of Roses" glooming within. It is basically this Garment - or what I tried to capture within the 12 Insignia. Well, something I feel 'is' there - like bonds - that have been created of my divine ... Bridal Dress. And it therein echoes the sensation that I'm entirely captivated. And that so it is taken into the Light Side. Something that I had sensed or assumed or "concluded" for some time now - but without this bridge the answer eluded me.

And this doesn't say that there is 'no' alternative. It has also been implied that there effectively is - although its ends close that bubble and feed me back into my 'real' paradise. And so it stands to me that my male self is a fragment of my mind from adapting to normities. So, wanting to be a Sex-Slave would eventually be an issue when the norm got to a point of thinking of it and its social implications. Parts of my mind that then - in the realization of 'my Paradise' - would be useless. So to think that my 'undefined body' takes shape through myself as I react to my surrounding. So, taking a "how much do you like [...]" list - with a scale from 0 to 10 lets say - would vaguely represent how much of a thing is 'within' us. And abstracted into a virtual plane would each 10 for instance reveal a position where the individual stands. If we so spread the points throughout a plane. Each point would be differently 'loaded' - and around which points we stand, our fragments are a part of what shapes who we are.


Well, anyway. Considering the Knot between Light and Dark - I suppose the same things as for other relationships apply. There's the core of it - and things can effectively go either way. We can go darker and we can go brighter. There's the side of me in my light self that tends to the one; And another part that tends to the other side. And I feel like so, that trying to block this motion is causing stress - and ultimately some form of mattering negativity.


Oh, by the way, I almost forgot: It seems to me that Weed related psychotic effects can emerge from a negative attitude towards it. Maybe paranoia sets in and someone smokes with a mindset of "Oh no, this is bad for me" - then this thought evolves in the high state - so that it should not be a surprise that it causes problems. Opposed to that I had to yesterday try and 'embrace' it - to so avoid negative thoughts and it actually worked!



The Orc and his Wolf

SidesteppingPosted by Nicole Sun, October 07, 2018 21:59:27
I've lost a lot of faith. The whole fortune telling thing ... well. Its become a habit - as anything I do. It now just is a thing I do ... work on from time to time but I don't really ... "know why".

But well. There's a thing. Regarding this thing I ... how to say it? I laid cards using my Witch Poker deck and from initial to final situation, well, in-between there was this card. The Orc and his Wolf. Uh, no ... that was another thing. Anyhow. In one of the many there was this card and I was curious what it would be about.

There was a lot of stuff in there - but ... time ... just zooms by and I ... feel like I've lost my mind.


The thing with the Abyss I was writing about ... I can't do that. I ... the liberation ... its now ... stuck in there. Since Marie became a part of it - its all this one thing and I ... feel horrible. Maybe I took it too seriously that she'd be leaving me consciously - ... hmph. Anyhow ... it seemed to change ... but things didn't change. But apparently its all just a matter of time.


Well. I've been seeing a movie and I think it traumatized me. I don't really feel like writing a lot ... and maybe I should write in German. Hmmm.


I'm troubled about my Clarity and I feel like my interpretations of whats on the cards is a bit too one-sided yet. I need time. But time usually means that I'm sliding further down the slope - with things stuck in my mind that don't make sense. Maybe I'm just a medium and how I feel about things is like an amalgamation of how the world feels about these things. In the dark corners. And maybe I heal when they do.

I feel like smashing my head against the wall - I don't know what to do ... but, well. I mean, I have time now and I understand I should try to focus on my life, to go out more, to ... whatever. This just sounds awfully depressive but all in all my mood isn't all that negative. Its just the stress of the moment I assume.

Its weird. One part of me is over it, ... the other ... is growing sicker and sicker. Uhm, ... iller and iller. That sounds better I guess. More and more ill.

There are still dreams. Dreams I had ... and dreams I'm having. The dreams I'm having are getting weirder. I barely remember them but I barely have the time to think about them too. Time flies. ... Got to get used to it I guess.


I think what happened is that the bond that has kept my life together so far ... has ripped. Irony. Like Smith in the end of Revolutions. "This is it, this is the end!" ... but then ... it wasn't. And now just as a rubber band rips apart, "snap", ... I ... I can't evem describe it properly.

Do I love her? What is Love? I think I have suppressed all what I had believed in so that all what remains now is a damp echo of it all. But next to that there's what would be a vivid connection - and there at times I can't help but feel blind; Being like this while things are probably going just fine. There are those things that are supposed to be right - and if they are not its like ... all the time ... was pretty much just an illusion.

So at the center I still believe. Its all ... "the way it is" ... I suppose - but then considering how things are and how they went I see how things ... are supposedly going to happen and thats ... not ... "the way it is". Its the way it should have been - would nothing ... have happened to change that. I mean - I didn't expect anything; And so I am to just move on anyway. But ... my mind says ... "nay, thats not the way it is ..." - happening? Supposed to happen? Not whats going on? Anyhow ... "snap" ... and the way ahead and everything is just pointless.


The 'Dispair' Card ... it, ... for once is simply there as a Religious thing. Despair is good. But also ... some experience of this past time has flown into it. At the end of hope - with God - there will be a way. Thats the one thing. The other is that in hopelessness, at the bottom of ourselves, we see our real truth. Our substance. So, there is 'good' in it - that way.

Which however means that I can ... start a ... 'normal life' now. ... One ... without hope ... that is! Ha! L-O-L!


...

Witch Tarot: Carnality, the Thief and Tentacles

Fundamental/EmpiricalPosted by Nicole Sun, September 23, 2018 13:21:30

[Witch Tarot Philosophy (Philosophic Insights | Meta)]


Well, this isn't per se about the Witch Tarot, but so about insights that have occurred to me while working on it. Well, the main title should be 'the Thief'. Or 'the Rogue'. Its a Card in the deck - and there is another Card which sortof fulfills the same ... criteria. I mean, I could also call this other card 'the Thief' - more so as of the "traits" that make up the text for it. The actual thief card thereby has a different meaning. Of course.

The thief by principle is a Dark Elemental Card of the Griffin Symbol. The other "Thief" card is also a Dark Elemental, however of the Elephant Symbol. The Elephant symbol however focuses more on the theme of Endurance while the Griffin symbol focuses on ... tailwind. And it has occurred that I've found images that work perfectly with the idea without really looking for them. Hence the image for 'Thief' is going to be a raven with a key in its beak. Except whence the Text works better with another one.

Now, why am I telling you this?

I've come to wonder about how the Witch Tarot "pictures" compare to the Waite Tarot. Certain images would not be found or the nearest would be profoundly more ambiguous - regarding the specific meaning of the card in concern.

Well, there is a blind-spot I have because the Design process is dependent on the Oracle. So the 'Carnality' card. Wondering how to translate the German word into English I had to wonder. Respectively has the term been changed into Lewdness. And that more likely because there isn't a real word for lewdness in German. Lewdness however does make a lot more sense in the Elephant Line than Carnality. And on further consideration, Carnality doesn't make a lot of sense for a Card at all. Which, is a Witch Logic thing I guess? This Witch Logic is well filtered through the Force. The look upon the world isn't as that of a Mortal. While issues like Temptation and Carnality might present themselves as large troubles, in my regards they are far lesser than one might think. So can Carnality in and of itself be regarded as a matter of various things - mostly under the banner of "Misguidance". The closest thus far could be the "Fake Love" or ("a.k.a.") ""Mind Flayer"" card. Which in and of itself is less about 'fake Love' but more of the conditions of being misguided; Maybe due to some parasitic entity, a deceiver or whatever. "The Mind Flayer". But it could also be the own lies one could tell itself. Its at all a reasonably complex topic that can yet easily be regarded within this "Symbol".

Further does it happen to conclude that Carnality isn't at all an emotion I have a proper connection to. Although ... well. It depends. Words are the real problem here. As this card accidentally happens to reveal. Starting off simply, there is the "Over-term" of Lust. There first is Lust as the "Biblically Negative/Bad" thing, and then 'LUST' as a Form of the Force through which God interacts with us. Thats my bottom Line for that.
Now I've learned that the biblical term is rather that of 'Carnality'. And when I now move on and am ... "Lustful" about certain things - so, desiring certain sexual expressions - it could be considered Carnality, or for instance Lewdness. Whence the words mix into the same - as Lust - a differentiation is problematic. So to be specific, I understand the feeling of Lewdness as one of enduring ones own Shame within a state of pleasure. Carnality on the other hand side is more a thing of Sex for the purpose of Sex - whereby that in and of itself is a somewhat perversion of Sex as a thing whereby the ... . Sex for the purpose of Sex will eventually breed some sort of "Artistic Desire", purifying the purpose and thus growing into excess (debauchery) and such. This stands opposed to the Lust within Enlightenment which isn't that purpose driven since the actual drive is emerging from passions "locked" within the individual. In that regards there are those passions and in attachment to that there's even Love. So because the Force also ties its "logic" to other people.

So there is the Tentacle Card. One similar to the "Sex Monster" - in the way the image so happened to be ideal. Both, from a certain perspective, ... roll with the Fantasy of it ..., are "traps". So, like the Sand-Pit-Monster from Star Wars. Its a Tentacle ... mass ... that eventually digests whatever it could grab. The "Tentacle Pit" is best suited for the Sex Monster because its trait is that it is existent for a very specific purpose. Therefore, in the idea, useless for most other things - and any Sex Monster but a Tentacle Pit can somehow defy this.
So, the Witch Tarot is ultimately dependent on the definitions/descriptions - which makes sense because a few words ... or well. A picture says more than a thousand words - some people say. And that of course is the problem here.
The Tentacle card is similarly a pit or a trap while here the focus is more on its ... thing ... as a ... "morally ambiguous divine power". Which I here meant to bring up in regards to this 'divine Lust' - or so: Clarity. One might surmise that the snake could be used here, but, the Snake already happens to be the Water Animal.

So is this at all just a short piece of the ambiguity of Terms, Images and Logic that is being attached to it.

Witch Therapy

General StuffPosted by Nicole Wed, September 19, 2018 16:52:31
Now, well. How the story went on is somewhat transparent I think - so within the Matrix. To however go in further depth, well. I ain't really feeling like it. Well, except for this one thing. My Love to her was like a sponge. If you know of my past writings you may know of my returning "perplexity" regarding my male side in regards to my relationships. So I would wonder whether my path would be bad. Where I felt as though my way would not be wanted. While I so felt attached to Monica in this one way I'd also feel as though this way wouldn't be desired by her. I however was conflicted. At certain points this conflict was delivered a bit closer to my mind. I would see "her" in a way that would make my "male heart" jump up and say "Hey! I want to be there for her". I would also think of having a male to female relationship with them, while within my clarity its basically just female to whatever. Me being female.
My Love to Marie changed that. It sucked all those issues out - as they all were concerned of her. And further - the Gender issue was gone. Or is gone. That is one part that I feel although ... well. I sometimes had the impression that she had some sexual interest in me which I'd want to respond to but somehow couldn't. Its strange however since those are now merely memories of the past. Nowadays ... well, to me it seems as though she had changed and now I don't really know anymore ... who she is.

My attraction towards her however isn't male to female. Its more like female to male. But in essence not even sexual although still ... somehow ... sensual.

But anyhow. I at the end sought out to talk with her since I needed some clarity and she wouldn't even give me that I might have a need to talk to her. Total blockade. That so after it seemed as though her heart had softened up. Maybe not enough. But ... I fear asking again - and don't really see a need for it either. She's grown stranger to me - although my head is still obsessed with her. I've seen a few movies recently, most recently the Truman Show (for the first time) - and in those moment where Love is the issue I can't but think of her. And whenever I do, I somehow have to punch myself. Hurting myself. Really. And I guess if the problem is that someone doesn't know what to do - it is a thing one 'can' do.

But what the reply to my letter did was that I've had it there. I wrote about Love being Hope, but that didn't really help me cope with it. In that regard I've somehow been over it, but actually ... not quite. And I still am not. I can't but believe in it - despite being forced to give up my hope in it. One of the first reactions after I've read it was ... that the Abyss is now open for me. I could feel myself standing there - with nothing holding me back and over the time I learned to embrace it to fuel my perverted self towards ... exceeding joy. A kind of liberation from all the concerns that held me back. And this in essence describes the situation wherein that feeling grow which I herein regard as witch Therapy. The getting closer to the reigns of darkness - while thinking that maybe it all has greater reason behind it. That maybe my choice to be as I am required me to give up on true Love, which now might explain this feeling that I've had. Perhaps so the potential of true Love being unresolved - trying to somehow find its place within the structures while stressing me to give up on my path in order to get it. But ... this now bears the other conflict: How could I?

I somehow feel as though it is a choice. That it is in part due to my doing that actually caused her to distance herself from me. In that regard I could see it happen as well. So that whatever the Antichristians had tried wasn't doing anything but moving with the flow that has happened anyhow.

In the beginning, when this love grew, things were innocent. But eventually I thought of it sexually - and noticed how my attitude seemed as though it would flow opposed to hers. Originally my mind was filled with ideas that worked with the impressions I had of her. But then I started doing things, like using Tarot cards, and once more had the impression that it wouldn't fit into our relationship.

So now I however wonder whether there is something that I can do to undo this; While also wondering whether I'd actually want it. Its a weird thing. This liberating feeling got awesome; Well - as predictably stressed out through my inner being. But I can't shake the feeling that there's something wrong with it.

So I however have to wonder about what I could 'actually' change. I damn sure couldn't let go of Monica. And whatever comes from that is inevitably so. By that I regard my clarity and at no point would I want it to change. Well, into ... the other side.

However - Marie is more to me than just a sponge. There to suck out my troubles and to then just toss it away - although I can rationalize that her position might be ... well, as I would expect. As I at one point suggested of how those on the Light side relate to the likes of me. With a certain hate, or maybe fear, despise, ... rebuking us ... which to us is the feeling that prevents us from seeing reason in trying. While we have that hate and such for the likes of ourselves.

If now this thing is settled and there is no choice but to either let it all go or to continue - then I'm glad. I'm happy. Seriously! This feeling of liberation is awesome! And it even gives me doubts. Serious concerns of whether I'd want to be with her since it might bring me love in a way that would obscure this feeling of liberation.
But ... there is still this other feeling, that the absence of it would eventually put my heart into "shock" - and I'd be no longer able to enjoy anything. Shock? Stasis? The issues of monotony which however diverse Sex might be could emerge in some way. That so when there is no redemption from the negativities. In this line of reasoning it seems like reasonable to still believe in this Love. While ... the failure would be a matter of something ... deeper within the maze of our minds.

Suggestively my attitude. Like, it makes sense that the skulls I've had in that dream regarding my Software project were ... well. "Burried Corpses" ... buried as I was dwelling in my absolutistic striving for the truths of clarity. In the flipside I might have to "unburry" them to then be able to get to my software project and to be with her.

It is a thought that however still delivers agony to my heart. Though being with her - that idea somehow stabilizes it.

So in theory are there a few minor knobs I need to switch - maybe by starting to pray differently or whatever - and when done properly I'll shift into the right attitude which then would cause her to warm up towards me.

At some point I was advised to trust her and to await her move. I couldn't since she seemed slipping away. But the more I tried the further she moved away anyhow. So now seems to be the point where this is ... the only thing left. Though in a way I feel like I can't do it all on my own. As so here writing this I wish she would ... help me towards it.

But yea - how to really 'do' something this complex? Its impossible unless its really simple at its root. The attitude to watch out maybe. THen there is counter motion. Like an addiction that would yet take me the other way. And yea, what would real love be without differences of the one or the other kind? I don't know - maybe its just my cynical humor at work.

And well. Now I have to think that I'm a relatively hot bitch. I mean, thinking of how my substitute doctor reacted as I told her that I know that I'm ugly that could be the case. And I mean, I didn't notice just how ugly I was until I saw myself on that webcam. Its really an unfortunate angle. And bad lighting.

On another note, well. THis might be the pivotal example of how complicated Love/Relationships can be. How would I react whence she would bring up topics that would tease the whore in me? And how would she react to my reaction?

Or otherwise - my attitude is that she's the Boss, but how would she experience this expression, regarding that there isn't really such a thing as a Boss when thinking of proper balance?!

Well, I can't be what I am not. So, is she ... "to have but not to hold"? Or is there a way I can be that works out?

Well, it can't be all up to me. Maybe thats the lesbian Dilemma. Who is the man that needs the strong woman?

And in my situation I also don't know how to respond to her teasing my male particles. What I feel like ... what I really want ... is to deny it. And yet, why would she tease it?

So - I'm torn between two worlds right now. In the one I deepen my experience within this sense of liberation, in the other I yet prolong a conclusion to this Love. A positive one. For else it has concluded already!

My only hint: What are those 2 or 3 skulls?


I have to resist my whore-ish urges. I have to decline an atmosphere of satanic religion. And?

OK, maybe I have another hint. According to the small witch tarot - err, lets just say Witches Oracle, its been the Devil - "my Darling" - who led her away from me. Since the Witch Oracle is no absolute book of Truths but here and there plays with someone (as its Lord is the Devil) this plays into the esoteric truths. The Devil wants me for him. In this liberated sense.

One way I see this play out, this way of having this love, is that at one point things shift and I'll betray her; In regards to which she'll find a respectively liberating counter attitude towards me. The same I have for her denying me, just without the agony surrounding it. Well - though a sense of the attachment should always be there.


Well, something that sticks is that the more of an atmosphere I create that she can't be in, the more problems we'll have. In the flipside however should she also be able to create an atmosphere that I couldn't handle. And isn't that the root of a good relationship? I mean, meeting there between ones selfishness? Or in our case to also have some space of privacy? Or, to somehow ... move over to the other side a little. Just enough to keep the whole thing together.

Well, the only way I can solve this is in prayer ... or "meditation". I think the birth of insight is the pivotal issue - and yea, well, Oracles did help somehow; Although - this type of Oracle ... doesn't need to be that. Simply asking "Segulo" is enough. Well, Segulo is a name for that object which functions to give a testimony. Its a block/Box which either movies through a certain membrane or doesn't. "Testimony". And a good trick is to watch out for the "click". But this doesn't really matter until baptized or maybe even unified. Someone should keep an eye on that. Apparently it does ... not? ... work in baptism. I mean, it makes sense to suggest that it is dependent on 'the Force' establishing the Ninefold. Which is the 'expanded reality' ("expanded eightfold") - expanded by God through the Force and His intimate full-time relationship to every yet so tiny thing of us.

If there's a way. Else, I'll continue to drift within this mood of liberation. Yet in it I see no future for much of my workings - while all I desire is to succumb within and into darkness; Where my greatest pleasure is to make my Mother (Monica) proud of me by being a "slutty whore"/piece of garbage.


About Oracles ... a big issue is the trouble that knowledge of something bears. Any Oracle has the chance of altering our consciousness - and sometimes situation may happen to be so complex that even the tiniest amount of a certain bit of knowledge could alter the course. To properly think this into the right pattern for a safe Oracle is something I've been occupied with as of late. At the end a simple symbol based yes/difficult/no indicator should do the trick - or a card indicating how the knowledge affects the oracle and a card to indicate a counter measure. I have a full text for a variety of solutions but its not really done yet.

The most difficult question is however that of choices. In my situation I am however striving for a solution and yet I find that simple is different! Ultimately a rule of the thumb would be that if your ideas change as you move - there's just too much and an oracle wouldn't really help. There are concrns of fate and providence. Providence being fate plus all the things plus Gods plan woven into it. So, fate regards choices as they are abound to happen and providence considers the ability to change fate and applies onto that. Suggesting that God has this much of a foresight.

So it should be simple to play with the idea of figuring out ones providence - as the safest and easiest play to work towards Gods plans. But so far I've come to the point where I 'was' thinking of my problem as one of choice while ultimately I figure that my urging towards a choice is the result of me wanting to change my way in order to get something I'd otherwise miss.
So the problem of choice is ultimately a problem of digging down deep enough to resolve the conflicts that then settle the things that may otherwise equate to choice but are rather so a matter of evolution.

"Target and Conflict driven transformation *of alignment(s)"

And Segulo now tells me that it doesn't matter ... err, no ... thats something else. That the devil however will also help me in this towards the right outcome. So, well, it ... has become a little bit ... of a thing. I mean, originally the step into the dark side has been complicated for me since I had troubles letting go the one and embracing the other thing. But growing closer to the truths within darkness has taken the devil closer - and this "abyss of liberation" has helped a bit too - although using the Witch Oracle was doing so before that.

This now tells me that the changes expected of me don't have to imply a complete transformation of my religious self; Which makes sense given that such should be more so on the impossible side. But ... err. ... She at the very least has to accept certain aspects of my dark-sided nature.

And the Witch Oracle now revealed: I, and so she as well, have to be minded of not dragging the other into the own side - outside of things that concern our relationship. So, if my sexuality is a bit odd she'll have to deal with that, while if these oddities move beyond the thing of our relationship I have to shut it down. In essence this means that she can get the all of me without any of the side-effects. Except that certain things within could be considered such.

Well.

And Segulo agrees with this Witch Oracle. Shouldn't be otherwise. And yea, I asked (and ask) Segulo about getting into Tarot, the Witch Oracle and such beforehand.

And this somehow concludes the Gig for now/today. (And both, Segulo and the WO agree that the 'somehow' here means nothing)

Why would I continue?

General StuffPosted by Nicole Sat, September 08, 2018 20:14:44
There's still something left. To just be concerned of my own self (health) now, there's a strong impression that something is wrong with me. When I look back and have to think that I went wrong again, I seriously have to question my sanity anew. Not that it matters all that much given that I have a solution; So, its probably just ... echoes from the movies I've been watching.

What? Well, 'Wasting Away' presents another one of those "Real World/Fantasy World" type of situations.

There are still emotions I'm riddled by, but I think the solution is rather close. I've observing this in a couple of situations and conditions; And these are independent from what I would consider Love. This 'warm burning' feeling - it would appear within circumstances (relationships of thought) that I didn't associate to it in any way. Its I guess a simple heartache over the own loneliness. But more importantly an emotion that 'cracks into' ... well, the heart attacking a certain weakness.

The impression that it is somehow telepathically generated is there since it wouldn't seem like there's another explanation. Its still hard to really put a finger onto it though. In essence it comes up crawling, suggesting that I've deserved some of it. I've just had it before and that really chewed on my strength. I was sitting there, watching stuff, ... and I'm not sure why its there, just that its associated to a person I think of. Well, respectively the one largest on my mind at the time.

Giving into it is like giving into a dream. Well, "I suggest" - since it's really been a long time ago since I really delved in it.
Nowadays its simply a good reminder to turn away and think again.


And it seems like there is no real difference between this and asking for Oracles. Except maybe that Oracles hold a more tangible possibility to live up to a greater expectation. As so, to unfold ones true potential. In the sense that just stumbling around ... isn't any better than stumbling around with a bit of a clue or hint of guidance.

But yet again I get reminded that I'm still anxious, or ... superstitious, regarding worries. After all, things were fine up until ... I started asking. Looking at cards, wondering what they might mean ... is it really an improvement? How could I do any better that way?

Whats up ahead? How would I know? I mean - not in terms of "whats gonna happen", but "what am I to do next?". How could the cards tell me? ... Humm. OK, I remember, ... that they did. Once. Nothing outside of the ordinary though. ...


Do your chores, be a good person, save the world ... the usual stuff.


So ... in essence I've grown beyond it in a way where I wonder how I can challenge the Oracle. To prove its worth to me, basically. Or, to find the reason myself. To find where, when and how ... its ... actually a practical upgrade.

Silly me. So, I've had it. Once. I may not have succeeded, but ... still it was a success in a way. I, to put it to myself clearly, wouldn't have believed that this state of comfort exists, given the situation I thought I was in. To get over it, despite being actually (and still) utterly incapable of the same. So, I should hold on to that.


So the whole aspect of the future - that is maybe a neat little trick. Otherwise, strength is strength; Whether the cards tell me I have it or not. But, objectively, ... its true that we have "objective minds". Words to the trick. Knowing strength may help me incorporate it into my mindset. Its like stumbling upon something good by accident - just a little bit better.

So, yea. So far I've figured that any 'future' aspect is rather ... useless. There isn't much in it. But ... there's still some surge that keeps me looking for something that I'm missing.

And sure - there's that. Choices. I think. So far I didn't get to a point where I'd have to make a choice. Like, this or that. So far - I'm myself and go/do as I would. Maybe it would have been good had I known beforehand what I'd be getting into. So, well. Let me take a trip back in time to see where the point was ... .


So, I was entering psychiatry and something told me that I'd find my Girlfriend there. Thats one of the things that then came back and helped nourish that hope that was building up slowly. From what I've learned and believe I shouldn't be minded of it. It should be as well would I discard this "prophecy" or not. But its fair to suggest that I simply didn't believe. Its my ... hypocrisy I think. I believe ... in a lot of ways. But when it comes to myself, I'm stuck believing that I'll never make it out of "this darkness". Which is a direct contradiction to what I'm supposed to believe about myself. But I just can't see the way. Thinking of Love its clearer that my first goal should be to 'grow' "my "community"". So that there's not only me. But yea, thats what I've been trying all the time - never to any ends of success.

So, I should have layed my cards back then. Concerning that issue. I mean - Segulo is alright, but ... maybe cards are better. So, what does Segulo say? Will I meet my girlfriend there? No! So. There's a problem though. I met 'her' at a different place, somehow. Different part of the place. Does it make the difference? "Apparently". So, me again - weak. I should say yes. And probably the next answer will be that I'll meet her around "here" (there). So, is that the case? Yes!

So, its at this point no different than having it from the cards. Except that the cards now might take me closer to the subject matter. Except that I met her ... and things went fine "up until". But why isn't God telling me to stop? As mentioned - I was heading a direction that was supposedly or practically bad before I did Oracles, ... and then it were Oracles that brought me to this point of peace. Respectively is it still more or less just a matter of time it seems.

But my problem is this: I'm afraid that God turns out ... wrong. Or, trolling me. I don't dare say 'yes' to anything good since I worry that its going to turn out differently - and to a certain extent thats like a mask. That of me doing these things. I have to keep the faith but am in certain regards unwilling to truly believe in it.

But so. Taking it this way ... I've been drawn to draw a few cards - or to shuffle. And what did pop out was the 9 of swords. Which, in this context has a more transparent meaning. It can't say 'no' at this point. So, its more of a sign by which I would know her. I mixed on wondering about ... what else I might need to know and four cards fell out. There's a fight, there's a "crossing" of sorts, there's the page of coins and the hermit. All things that by now are basically already history. So, I could tell that these are the challenges or events along the way.

But now I worry that I was wrong for not being well prepared enough, thus worrying that the 5 of coins is as a death sentence.

"Spiderbrain, Spiderbrain ..."


Or, its just another part of the road. But ... what do I do with it now?

I guess that's where we're back to ... the beginning. There's only one way I would have picked up Tarot Cards; And thats on base of Gods interactions with me. So, that happened when it happened. No sooner or later. The idea was always there, but ... as usual I have a tendency of standing on the wire. Err ... hose.

And when it gets to anything but just surfing through the day, also relatively clumsy.

So, I don't feel like I can get to any other point right now and here but to keep trying - to maybe find what I'm looking for.

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