My Blog

Well, ... not entirelyGeneral Stuff

Posted by Nicole Wed, July 18, 2018 18:40:05

[Anti-Depressives vs Clarity]

But true ... that I, uh - well. The thing is that Anti-Depressives did sortof change something. I've gotten them since yesterday morning and that just for the morning and its yet still just a small dose. Yet ... I'm surprised by the effect. I'm not feeling perfectly fine, but, that may be more due to tobacco and coke abuse. (Coca Cola Coke). And its weird. As expected from the basis of the situation. There are things that to me are inevitably true - inevitably tied to my identity and that so before, by and within God and all that. But certain things 'were' strange. To pick up on something that bothered me before I ... "got kicked into darkness" ... there was some kind of fire. The lady I've had a crush into at the time was somehow a catalyst to it. My sexual ... "planning" got thrown into chaos and I was confused between submission and dominance. So was there a kind of fire as a male emotion of dominance; And I wondered if I could experience that with her. She was OK with it, but that was just before I ... had to leave. I wonder ... . I ... sometimes think I shouldn't have left. Maybe. Though usually I think it was the right way to go.

And well, so within the Dark I would have my own likes and sometimes some ... weird "draft" into the extreme. And the feelings, well. The Anti-Depressives block them, or something about it. I can't really find that state of self-depression anymore, while now I get to wonder. I wonder ... as ... in regards to that first big crush I had where I weeped myself into sleep. And also later with J.Lo. I had an addiction there. Self-pity in a sense. The weeping made me feel comfortable - and instead of just seeing the Love I craved for what it was, ... absurd or something thats just bad, or whatever, ... I sought those moments of sadness. And maybe thats still in there. A subconscious attachment to that something that would make me feel well.

As usual there is no 'clear' end to the story. The bondage elements are still in tact and glowy, albeit some minor shifts or changes are recognizable. Well, as it has to be I guess. The general idea is probably still there - so for the minds to play with - even some of the more extreme bondage kinks; But yea ... some core of sadness has somehow vanished. I mean, ... plugged. And I feel better now - and right now wouldn't want to get rid of them (Anti-Depressives).

Astair vs. Human Nature - Part 1General Stuff

Posted by Nicole Wed, July 18, 2018 12:19:36

[preliminary message]

On account of the previous messages on Astair and notes of Trans-sexuality there's something missing. And right now the comments of Smith within Bane to Trinity come to mind. For me that means that I should start with them voices. I would say there are three types, excluding 'the voice of God' which can take the shape of all three and is to be excluded because ... because. On note on that though - as I understand, God restricts Himself to what we would understand as e-motes. Even so that one time where I heard it really clearly, it only said as much as "You know that I'm here for you". Those three types further segment into two categories. There's the two one might associate to Schizophrenia and the rest I would simplify as "the inner voice(es)". For the other two, lets call the one 'loud' and the other 'resonant'. Loud means, its ... we could also call it resonant when judging by my experience and the 'resonant' one loud, but ... per se the 'loud' one seems to be resonant in that it appears to be echos in the shape of fragments following "auditory experience". It could be a stressed mind dealing with the desire to have quiet. I had it twice, or more. But in two separate scenarios. The one was from playing Ark with my Brother and Friends and I also smoked a lot of weed; And as I sought to sleep those echoes sat kindof in my head and drove me nuts for a while. Like I still had the plug in my ear - and I guess I was bothered by how deeply ... attached or connected I was to my Brother. So by trying to push him away, inwardly, it would seem that some bits tried to remain as deep and that then emerged in the form of voices. No clear words, just echoes. The other time was shortly thereafter playing Dark Souls with my friend Martin. Its a similar situation there judging from my insides only that the reason why I sought silence was different.

Its sometimes all in all difficult for me to socialize. Going by time and interests.

The 'resonant' ones are ... well. I wouldn't really call them voices, but ... they are words. Leaving astair aside I would suggest that they are paranoid outgrowths of personality issues. Like so they would tell me that I suck when playing a game, for instance. Its hard for me to put a finger on them. Could be that the mind craves some kind of response to certain things and eventually ends up making them up for itself.

When it now comes to Astair I would generally ignore the presence of voices and by now I think the best way to start with it is to speak about the transfer of emotions. It would seem to me that it is possible to basically suck emotions out of someone. I so had it that upon the promise of getting my own apartment soon that I was enthusiastic. Soon thereafter someone else here also had an outlook of sorts and got excited as I slowly lost mine.

The question at the core is I think that of thoughts themselves. I so had to think about the differences between what Antichristians believe as I think it and how I think things are for real. And that came along with various impressions of how Antichristians work with the thing I just described earlier.

What is clear to me is that first of all we have a way of producing "that whatever" could be taken. And because our minds in a way also follow these things - well, a positive mood can get us going while a negative one gets us stuck. So I can reproduce my enthusiasm but because the absence thereof rendered certain ideas as possibly wrong, those wrongs stop me from really recreating it. Its ... not really clear to me.

Be it as it may - not being bothered too much with these details I would look at the bigger picture. Well, I would so think that we produce "clouds" of sorts - and ... as I believe that whatever happens there is tied to its own physics I don't really believe that those events are perfectly natural - alas: true to the nature of the spirit. But its ambiguous. If we for instance try to think of thoughts and that it were with them as with these clouds - we must wonder how we are connected to them. So, in the "bad" vision which I cannot really debunk yet, the idea is that any produced thought is as much as an independent object. And as we created it so, it can freely move around the cosmos - well - provided there's a respective force to move it as much. So would a mind have a certain diameter within which it holds the capability of doing so.

A step towards 'debunking' or "debunking" this I am looking at the system that produces these thoughts. There's one side that's as we might say 'more in the subconscious' that eventually creates thoughts imbued with a certain "glory" - and that is that which makes it visible as so making it an object. Because our mind is 'systematically tied into' producing it, there's always some remainder no matter what happens to it. Also so with the clouds. An experience or memory. But we can forget. How that happens is still a mystery to me, partially, and eventually the key to this puzzle.

Well, I've thought of it frequently - simply because ... well, I have reasons to do so. After all I on the one side have impressions that me saying that I was John the Beloved creates some expectations in me while on the other I know that I was born without memories. And yet here and there I have that "gut feeling" or ... "subjective confidence" or whatever in certain things. Respectively is it said that people can recover from Amnesia - so that I have to believe that all we lack when loosing a memory or thought is the energy it once had. And upon looking at something familiar, memories are created that then eventually connect back to 'forgotten' ones. And in this sense I think it to be fairly reasonable to believe that this Astair thing is mostly about some Energy that connects to our minds.

Regarding my Trans-sexuality I believe that the Antichristians know that I'm Trans because they tried it and saw the result; And since then try to convince me of the opposite while also keeping me confused by mixing things up a little every now and then.

A reason might be that my gender could be my way of rebelling against God. That I so would come to prefer my male presence and get upset about God turning me into a pussy.

The shrinking of my fat-layer might be connected to this. As of that I would also say that there are two types of Trans people. Those that get their support and those that don't. #JezebelOhJezebel. With a bit of fantasy and some "common" knowledge of certain things one might fathom where this might be going. #ThePatriarchy.

As for a conclusion I would draw the intended function of this Astair as in-deed a little bit confusing or chaotic. I would picture society - in the grand - as a carousel. While some people would always push the boundaries, others would be leaning back and within the back and forth of common and new ideas, people evolve and find their ways. As so there is no right and wrong per se. Whenever something new comes up, how else could we be liking it? Maybe the truth has always been there deep within us - maybe so through a bridge of some fantastic belief - but still we grow and learn of new things and shape and refine ourselves accordingly.

Therefore I have a strong reason to believe in such a thing as the substantial identity. Based on reason. I either way have based on my experience - though, I so found it hard to express it so. I would say that I happen to be the way I am mostly due to experiences of past lives. That I've been baked there and certain things of course carry over. That I so am not who I was is irrelevant because I still happen to be. It may be a pity that I lost X and Y, but for once its all still known by God and for what matters - those thing were irrelevant. Mostly. I guess.

And yet there isn't really a right or wrong - I think. There only is truth - I would or should say - which more than just 'right' or 'wrong' determines the ... "probability" of certain things to be. Like so am I free to just say "Nah, I wanna be male" - but is it likely that I would? Impossible? I would say no - not impossible. But ... undesirable. Of course one could put work into it and yet make it so - but that to me stinks for wrong! Its not what I want! And the only 'why' me being Trans-sexual isn't truly right is because there is no right or wrong in that! There's just ... good and bad? And thats a complex story of its own.

Gender "Science"(/Gnostics) within Unification ("duh")Fundamental/Empirical

Posted by Nicole Tue, July 17, 2018 21:45:20

[Plowing a Path in the Wasteland]

This isn't meant as "politics" 'for the Unenlightened'. I don't mean to do that - as what I mean to do here is strictly 'post unification' 'studies' of the 'internal mechanisms'. ... Something like that. Which is not to say that the Unenlightened shouldn't be here. Strictly told ... this is far from consolidated or sophisticated; Yet I have reasons to strongly believe that not all that one is prior to Unification stays that way. In a way however that also allows me to lean the opposite way. Its complicated, somehow. Pretty much like a fractal. I mean, think of a triangle. Now you take "the center" triangle out of it, so you have three touching each other. Google 'triforce'. So, you've taken surface area away from it. Now continue and turn the three triangles again into triforces. And so on and so forth. We see that the surface area keeps shrinking. It eventually approaches zero, but factually that can never occur. So, ... in that sense ... the whole thing stays that large triangle of the beginning, is more complex and yet also less than it used to be. I'm not sure how good this analogy is though.

We're in the beginning of something. And I'm not enlightened to the point that I might act like a supernatural version of Google. And by the way has it never been the function of a prophet or a messenger of God to know everything. Thats a human fallacy I wish people would rationalize quicker than going down the "lets test his knowledge" way.

Disappointing? Well, 'welcome to the real world!'.

When it comes to Gender 'science' - you can't tell me what I am. Lets define 'Gender' as our "Social Orientation" akin to Sex, where Sex be the Biological, sexual outset we have. And in this regard I disliked, so - getting right to that Undoomed Video I featured - the terminology of our Sex being 'decided'. No, it is 'observed'. Its a pivotal truth. Observation is key. Now, that part of the LGBTQ community that is outraged by this - I would say something like "piss off" - but, to get right to that outrage, the issue is that biology is biology, and however the 'spirit' evolves is nothing we can determine. So we can take the word 'gender' for that. And to determine ones gender further observation will be necessary. I would think of "pre-schooling" our kids in a sense of testing their skills, passions, etc.. Something that should happen in school early on to support an individuals talents and such as soon as possible. So the individual will grow up with sophisticated knowledge of its very own 'thing' and may then allow for further diversification as the mind matures. So, this isn't really about 'testing for Trans-sexuality', but the same shouldn't really be excluded. We eventually shouldn't think in 'Sex' based terms either. I however ... am not entirely sure. Yet I'm speaking of my own experiences and in my own interest - and in that regard I think we have to look at something entirely different first.


Right on the point of "decided" vs "observed" - I may have to apologize but I won't. It just so happens that I count myself to those that are ... well ... somewhat offended by that notion. Its like I have some Bullshit Radar thats ringing alarm. And it turns people off and away. Like, what should we do? Roll a dice? And that "joke" - is actually a somehow fitting theme for what I actually have to share here. My experiences with my Trans-sexuality.

Here in this clinic it is difficult to maintain a female appearance. I try, but ... because there is no real privacy here (though I can be lucky that I have a single room) there is no clear line between getting styled up and being just 'at home' sotospeak. On top of that am I not yet officially 'labeled' a woman - so they address me as a Mr.. And that really sucks hard. It did so from the beginning, but in the beginning I still felt some closer to the Mrs.. I also wear my bra here most of the time with some socks in it, and every now and again that just looks silly and makes me feel silly. Because I am and give myself the way I am ... my male nature is just out there. Obvious. With a frog in my throat I can't talk clearly unless I really clear it and then I sound really male. So, my Sex is really "in my" ... and everyone else's ... 'face' most of the time.

I bear it - and am looking forward to see myself transform. Hormone therapy changes some things ... where I don't mean to pretend. I so just know that in due time less and less of the male appearances will remain. And thats my mindset at this. I wear my bra - but at times my fat-layer is really really thin.

And when it gets to gender neutral pronouns, ... I'm indifferent. But I'm not into playing ball with Archons either. That sotospeak is none of my concern. I'm interested in the Enlightened reality - and I'm sure that it will become the norm at some point. Anything outside of that, I don't really care about!

Looking at how I feel - there is this 'fat layer'. Well, no literal 'fat' layer. You get the idea. At times it is really thin and thats where I start to question myself about the way I'm going. And that is my 'head' doing so, practically. We could also say: The contemporary mind. "Opposed" to that there is the ... 'Truth of the Spirit' we might say. And it is that which really defines the being. Pretty much like so: That when asking our mind, a lot depends on our mood. We can be for things we might actually dislike and against things we actually do like. We can assume preferences and overdo them beyond whats good for ourselves or underdo them so respectively out of shame for instance.

In that sense this 'truth of the spirit' isn't sophisticated and has tolerances. We "construct" it as we go in a sense. This construction however is bound to an inner reality. If we so find something we like, we have an information that our mind can work with. We didn't know if it before, therefore we couldn't work with it; Except sometimes this inner reality just drives us into certain directions. 'Subconsciously'.

Once we so start guessing about our inner truth we're following this unpronounceable sense and shape it by chaining pronunciations together. (... English ...). And this isn't meant as a guideline. Its an example. As to fill our inner void with meaning. And thereby we already can experience our kinks for instance. We think and our mind reacts to the imaginations. But some things just happen to come differently. So my fixation onto older women and my Trans-sexuality.

My Trans-sexuality basically came as in a dream, while looking back my childhood is stained with symptoms thereof. Like late at night I would wake up, go to the bathroom, dig through our laundry box and try on my mums lingerie. Then I would take it further and look for it in my parents bedroom whence they weren't around. Its a mystery how these superficialities relate to Gender awareness, or how kinks could be so soon, and some might read this as a red flag as to what might have really been going on. Some form of Manipulation.

And this idea, or so the lack of a fundamentally solid counter-argument, at least contemporarily, really wears down my fat-layer.

But to me thats something I generally tend to ignore. It isn't fundamentally consolidated either. Even more so just conjecture. And one that doesn't truly check out with me. One similar to a lot of "things" I see as fundamentally pointless yet surprisingly effective in steering us ... apart. Its a thought injected into ones mind that the mind cannot really cope with and so that thought eventually gets nourished by our fears and grows stronger and stronger. Then eventually some sense of self-protection flags it as bad and so our "routines of normality" reject the things it grows up against.

I have spent my life basically being driven by it. Somehow. Well - I for once never really had any true occasion to 'come out' of myself. I enjoyed playing with "Toys for Boys" - but looking back I can't really say that I enjoyed being a boy! I always wanted to be female - although at some point the gender bias kicked in and made me forget it. Keeping it in the subconscious. Still being driven by it - sexually - although that usually just influenced my taste in porn.

But later then I chose to stick to my male self as for pragmatisms sake. Until I eventually had a really bad depression and I yet ignored it; Until I eventually came to express it and since that things have become better. Respectively am I not ashamed of myself now - although I at times just look like a guy with breasts.

Going through the transition so far took me past a few things that could have consolidated some expectations that would have been disappointed. I only mention this because I believe this is a very important bit.

The way I know I'm into mature is simply that I am. Thats how its different. I never had to ask myself 'what I'm into' - I only had to think of "love" or relationship, that direction, and I knew what I wanted. Respectively was there never a point that 'made' me Trans-sexual. There only was a moment where it manifested. As it manifested it corresponded to my "inner self" and that how it just was. Alongside with Bondage and Gangbang fantasies.

I know what I am. Thinking about it too much however ... well, makes it somehow weird. It takes these 'truths' into a space where they are more throughly questioned and that also takes the corresponding experiences to another place. Either way however I just enjoy what I so happen to enjoy. I know that I'm not dominant although I may enjoy playing the dominant part. But while playing that part can be fun it isn't really 'that true inner' fun. Well, I previously made that joke analogy of pissing against a tree. Alternatively I thought of diagrams - a circle and putting different things differently far away from its center. But I think thats not gonna really cut it either.

But for reals - I for instance know of myself that those times that I walked out of a brothel with a really big smile on my face weren't those times where I had been particularly male. I have male ambitions, ... and so my contemporary mind eventually puts these things so that these things don't make me female yet. Alright, but ... I'm not truly satisfied by my penis either. However - I think there are things, feelings and emotions, we can label to make things a bit more transparent.

Things like ... when I feel my male sex-drive, so - when 'my balls are twitchy' again, I usually so try to think of what they/it wants. I so think of going to a brothel and wonder of what taste I have. That because ... although I know what I'm into ... I've learned of certain benefits of diversity. And right away - thinking of going to a brothel - or just having Sex - fills me with a certain urge. One I found difficult to describe but since recently its a bit clearer. So for once is there a demand that basically accumulates in my belly and ended up taking the shape of a baby in my womb. Thats however what I previously would call my attraction towards blondes. And it stays there now. I can't ... let it out - so, its no longer a male urge. So I ended up with someone that vaguely resembled my ideal. There wasn't much choice. And as usual the sex itself wasn't all that amazing. Well, aside of some comforts that intimate closeness holds. And thats a gripe I had for some time - that it maybe couldn't take long enough, so due to the limitations of the sex-work context. Or it couldn't be intimate enough. These missing things would go to constitute desires that kept going back. Well, she wanted to finish me off with a dildo - and ... that works a lot better for me.

As things generally that allow me to express my femininity. In Real life. So in terms of Sex that would be the positioning where clearly that is more than just Sex/Gender. There's also Kink. As per my personality, I'm ... well, there isn't much. It is also why I never had a strong urge to change my sex. But the change itself is generally positive.

So, trying to tell me what I am or have to be - as maybe incited by the assumption of knowing how to determine these things judging from the outside - I must strongly object to! We can, I can ... say that Gender is fluid. If I were a guy, a normal guy, it would be alright if I had feminine sides. These could be introverted or extroverted as well. So, were I a woman, the same applied for masculine sides. Now for transitioning that should also be the case. I have a part where I relate to my sex - so, that 'feminine side' at "that place" that makes me Trans-sexual.

And what makes me skeptical about the myriad of gender definitions is the ... fact ... that which sides we have and how they are is entirely dependent on the individual. The way I rationalize it is that the spirit itself is by default asexual, perfectly neutral and empty. Anything that becomes does become of the spirit - obviously enough - and so there aren't really any rules outside of ... "anatomic Universals" ... . But respectively is there plenty of space for all sorts of crazy. Or 'yet so'?

Well, the way I relate to myself by terms of Unification - is ... kindof different but not so much. The story for my mind is that I am a male being locked into conditions that transform my male elements into femininity. I rationalize that as I understand that I'm into women and in that stance have a male attachment. But this doesn't 'suffice sexually' while I sexually end up preferring the femininity of myself. Some might think this psychotic because its a fabricated fantasy story - but it doesn't really change how I love or whom I love.

It only adds context and makes it easier for me to relate to it.

So, the way I like to be taken ... for instance. Without 'clarity' - its just that. Some kink. With clarity ... well there's more. There are reasons, conditions, etc. that all work in tandem with a much needed relationship. So, its a story that in a sense says nothing but whats evident anyhow. So ... whomever I might end up marrying - that person would have to deal with my sexual preferences in some way. Else that relationship would kindof suck in that regard. And so, the way I love sexually in a way mirrors how I love ... "sensually" or "intellectually"? Well - if I love to be loved as a passive "slut type" individual in bed - and I want a happy relationship with my partner - she should be into that as well. Wouldn't you say? There has to be synergy. And with that synergy there has to be intimacy. That intimacy is as much as saying "how we love each other" - and all that clarity adds right there is a context ... to the mind that allows it to act accordingly. SO, instead of it just being a kink, its more of a situation. The situation bears further kinks - and all of them do come together in that context; So we don't have to treat each kink as an individual special object.

Explaining my PTSD situationSidestepping

Posted by Nicole Mon, July 16, 2018 21:31:57

[not knowing how to properly whine yet!]

Maybe first up I should say that the way I got to think of it in the first place was that I've been curious about my medication and then when getting to the PTSD section my heart got all heavy. For almost a week I've been sortof sad or melancholic as I've been exploring that feeling - a feeling I first got to associate to my disdain about my Mother visiting me here. I said to her that I didn't want her to visit me because I didn't want any stress. Maybe that was harsh on her but its still the truth. She, to me, is annoying in a way. And for the most part I don't even think of all the things in the past. Its something about her ways thats just ... way too negative for me. I maybe wrote about it here and there. It may be just the way it is - but, right now my heart is getting heavy again and I really wish I could just skip this.

So, anyhow - at some point I started to take notes since I noticed that I wrote way less than I could have written; And upon taking notes I unearthed more than what had been on my mind up until then. I was about to write about this - but I delayed it - up until just recently where I already had forgotten about it; Except that every once in a while I kindof got it on my radar; But one particular story was somehow triggering me. Not enough to really get down to it, but right now I just ... happen to have the time and the mood.

I have a good mood.

I admit that at first I don't have any real reason - at least superficially looking - to feel traumatized. What I tell, ... I can't really copy paste the feeling I have dealing with these things to you. Its a thing I wouldn't have noticed myself - yet at that point back then it came to make sense that way. There however still isn't any traumatic event per se - but more ... the impression of a generally traumatic childhood and youth. Not in a sense of getting actively abused, but ... I don't mean to win any "who's more traumatized" contest here either.

Traumatic is maybe the wrong word. "Suffocated" would be a more appropriate term. "Deprived of ... Life" in a way. And so there's that story I was about to get started with. Its rather ... mundane. You ... if I were to just tell it and leave it at that would possibly think I'm ... out of my mind or something. But so, here it goes: As you might "know" I've spent some time in the Philippines, going to college. So I had my cell-phone with me. It was 2001/2002 - and I had a Nokia ... whats the number. 42-something or whatever. Was pretty common back then. So, a thing that was "all the craze" back then in the Philippines was Cell-Phone modding. I got me some neat black case with blue metallic ... the thing there thats usually silver - and some blue LEDs. And not the shiny black. The ... whats the word. Well, not shiny. It was really awesome anyway. I guess I also had some transparent keys to go with it. Not all, /// or were they still standard? Not sure anymore. Anyway, being back here in germany, well, my sister talked me into giving it away. In return I would have this super ugly purple front, blue back - just ... if you think of the most ugly thing you probably are somewhat close. She probably said at some point that I'd have it back - but I really didn't!

So, I told you the story with my favorite pants. There also was my favorite Pullover at the time. It was the one thing of all the things that she managed to forget the iron on; And she tried to fix it, but, it really didn't look like much. Did I tell you about that wooden case for my comics? So, I was drawing comics and had the idea for a wooden casing. I asked my gramps to cut some wood and drill some holes and I put the thing together using some string. And she just threw it away.

While my dad would so be at work and it'd always be a scare whence he came home because I wouldn't want to show my homework because I didn't do it - my mum was on the phone pretty much all the time. In that sense I guess 'neglect' is the thing; Which so would turn me towards my own things and because they would disappear before I could really make anything of it - got stuck on Video Games and movies. Well, so however my impression of myself that Mass Media were my true parents.

And the "disappearance" of things didn't end with my Childhood. After I got into QBasic I had this really ... cool thing going. After some really bad attempts at some Adventure/RPG I had learned a bit more and put it all together. I had an editor where I could draw the map - and certain colors would relate to certain textures. Then some collision mapping on top of that - well, simple squares, and most importantly some tile-setting. I even managed it as far as to link overworld maps to dungeons, had "magic" going so to for instance shoot rankoons to cross some gaps and was just about to implement a shopping system. I still have a lot of my QBasic projects, but that one somehow disappeared. Its the only one that I somehow meant to continue as it was the one that actually worked as intended.

Then there also was my first step at remixing using Acid. I had some "planets and the stars and the moons" collapse in there, sprinkled with some Axel F interwoven into some other beat ... something of a transition - it was really cool - out of all my remixes probably the best and the one I somehow lost at some point, without which the others, ... well - meh.

It didn't even end after I was living at my gramps. I had a room for myself and one might think that there on my own nothing could be lost anymore. Well, its ... strange. There's for once the thing with the mystery bugs - and that one would be on God; But, looking at all things - I'm glad I had more time to grow before really getting into it. However - I was afraid that yet one might spy through my stuff and so I put my drawings into a case, taped it and put some ... I told that one already! So, the seal was broken. Leaving me, at least as far as my thinking was concerned, back in the dark. "What could I do, where could I go?". All this makes this feeling, or more ... "subconscious desire" to escape, to be away, to be on my own - maybe even alone. The lack of Love from my parents, it didn't seem like much at the time. My brother had a serious heart failure and was in hospital for a long time - and so I understood. I didn't want to be that guy thats naughty due to some lack of love. But in the long run - all the "amazing" stuff I had ... just gone. Some went missing due to my own failure. Thinking of LA for instance. Some things however got lost while basically being in my mums care. Well, I wasn't around - I was being naughty another way - and somehow between then and me taking my things back some of my stuff disappeared. An attempted translation of Genesis 1 for what I'm concerned of.

Since early that may have fostered a habit of beginning things but never finishing them. I never learned to do so. I never had anything for longer than that. The lack of love which ultimately would hit me subconsciously in terms of my creative work - which so wasn't just a lack of love but actually a presence of hate - made me sick. Craving for Love and that how I was susceptible to that Love promise I think. On the one side looking for that Love and Care that I wouldn't even think I deserved - I didn't even notice it that way. Just love. On the other - making something happen. And so that was the end for me. My attempts to 'reach' that girl with my Gospel stuff - again just going nowhere.
Maybe I can't deal with applause because I've learned that it doesn't mean anything. But neither did I learn the value of money that it might yield.

The argument that I never really did anything with what I had so turns out to be bullshit, although there were times where I actually believed that to be the problem. It may have been true after 2005 - or so late 2007 where the mystery bugs began - but up until then I should have had a lot more than I had to work with - and some other part was lost due to naivety. A "desperate/noobish" attempt to somehow make something with what I could do at the time.

And so, 'naturally' I was driven out and since Drugs and the social connections associated to them were attractive without me having any alternate 'real life' - thats a huge part that ended up defining me.

In a sense I could ask you: How else could I have seriously thought to "just go" to LA - without a plan of any sort and actually enjoy staying there, on the streets, homeless, for 3 month?

Yea, J.Lo or not - seriously, after the first few letters I didn't really bother anymore and much more just enjoyed the time there. Fuck her!

So, what else do I have on my list? Comic/Wooden-Case - check. Pants and Pullover - check. Negativity - ... uh ... well. Lets just say ... she might support my trans-sexuality superficially but still carries out some skeptic remarks. Its ... annoying. While other times she's just embarassingly supportive, like I'm some baby. I didn't note that one. "Showcase Kids". OK. Thats about the Philippine community here. So, every now and then there was some party like a Christmas party and she'd usually want us to wear certain things - or when going to church especially. Like we're just there to so carry some image she had in mind we are to fit into. She's also been on the phone most of the time, chatting with friends - and so in a sense I never felt like I'm more to her than just decoration.

Hypocrisy. Well, ... church. Being all "holier than thou" might be just a general problem with some people. All I saw growing up was that this religion didn't really mean anything. Until I found that book that is.

Now I have in braces {Addiction to Love, Disappointment, Illusion -> Drugs, Games}. Yea, so, check.
Then -> Ignorance (that thing when shoving things into oblivion that eventually get to haunt one later) -> Money (from mother).

I'm not sure what I meant there. Well, the money thing is the recent thing. When I attend some family meeting I get money from her and I usually don't feel right taking it. I feel dirty, I feel bought. I feel made dependent on her. Which is why I happily take that money and spend it on bitches. And about that ... well ... I can't escape my femininity. Is that also something they did to me? Well, I don't really have all that much fun "working a woman" - simple enough. Well, maybe that depends on how much woman there is - or how interactive she is. Well, whatever. Let that be a thing for antoher time.

So, forgetting things, shoving them into the back - I don't know about doing so consciously. But after my parents got divorced and we had a new life sotospeak it was more so my Brother who I think made things disappear while my mum just ruined things. I would however try to move on and guess simply ignored all those things. I wouldn't know how to confront them with any of that either.

Next thing: -Brother (Toskana, Love). Well, thats a thing. One time my brother got sick-leave from school just so my dad and he could make holliday in the Toskana while I had to stay at home and go to school. At the bottom of those notes I've also noted "Spargeltarzan" (Asparagus Tarzan) and ... the german word for those that put the trash away. "Men at Work". Those were two things my dad used to say to me. Asparagus Tarzan as a nickname and the letter more like his prognosis for what I'd end up as. I was everything bad while my Brother was caressed and beloved. As said, I glanced past it and was excited for what new Video Game there would be, or what movie I could watch.

Next is 'missing stuff (QBasic, Remix). Check.

Then: Problems to bring things to an end. Also check.

Then 'delusions, mourning'. I guess thats somehow self-explaining. I mean. OK. Delusions I have noted relative to Love -> Psychosis and by that I mean my craving for Love which led me to imagine what I couldn't have. Oh, and I mourned as at night I would think of why this Love wasn't true or what she might be doing and I eventually imagined things ... like once I actually believed she just died. Other times I'd just 'cry' myself into sleep while lamenting her ignorance towards me.

Troubles to bring things to an end also linked to Paranoia - well, check.

Next thing is 'Food (Breakfast, Lunch, Supper) -> Change of School, Divorce'. Well neat. Here's some advise on how to loose weight. First, plan your daily nourishment with a big english breakfast, some good juicy bohemian lunch and some, whoever has a thick supper kind of supper. Then, first, skip breakfast. You can get some other stuff on your way to lunch. Then, at lunch, skip it. You don't need it because you just had something. To then make it to supper just take something else - and you would have guessed: Simply skip supper. Eventually you'll get along with eating less and less along the way ... and in case you need more, smoke a cigarette and have some coffee.

But seriously. We used to have breakfast, but then at some point we didn't. After my parents divorced - anyway not. And we were humble. We didn't even expect lunch or supper. Some ... Kebap would be enough. I barely noticed it. As I changed school the first time my dad basically took me with him to work and I had to stay there until school began. At best we'd stop by a bakery. Then lunch - I'm not really sure if I had any. I spent time in his office or elsewhere - and got some Kebap, eventually, on my way home. I have a hard time remembering but I sure don't remember any regularity there. Supper at best. But I guess I shoved those memories into oblivion too.

Next: Art, Lifestyle <- Outside, Games, Drugs. Hmm. Sometimes I think I simply associate different feelings to things and understand things I noted down the wrong way. This isn't really any more than that what I wrote of already and to me right now simply reads as: Those things became my life, my relief.

So, below "Extra" I've noted the Handy, and 'Bad Equipment'. So, I used to get sent to the Pathfinders and I never really made any friends with the equipment. Nobody taught me how to use this Food Pot or whatever it is anyway, my backpack was way too large - and I never felt 'well equipped'. Well, to my understanding at least. Later I turned that into a strength. Attempted at least. By now I take care that I have what I need. The embarrassment I felt back then was enough for my taste. But now there are other things I have to be embarrassed about; Well, lets hope I get those things fixed as well.

I also have a Pro segment. I noted "Martial Arts ?? <> Music School" and "Outside, Smoking Pot". Well, I had some support for going to Karate classes, after doing some heavy convincing though. The Question Marks ponder upon that support versus the kind of "support" (force) I had to endure for being shoved involuntarily into Music School.

And yea, that concludes my little list.

All the things I accomplished up to date I accomplished after I made the Nasirite vow - and those were the first things I still got with me. I for some reason I can't explain still have my diary from the time I was in the armored forces and with it some notes I took back then. I guess it makes the other things I lost stories less believable? Well ... . Then of course all the spiritual goods I gained that can't be taken from me are still there - and with it whatever experienced I gathered Information Technologically. And I guess those MoA and some other "designs". Why MoA didn't happen as it could happen is still somewhat mysterious - but I'm sure there are reasons. Like me being not yet good enough. Or ... what seems more likely ... not having any proper behavioral structure to actually conduct that work reasonably. Dealing with the real complexity of what I actually envision properly. The thing that usually made me think back - where, whenever I thought "Nah, I'm so far now ..." something strange started to happen as things somehow failed to function properly. Yea, ... not everything that looks bad 'is' bad! And it somehow did fit the story. ???


Sela!? I'm not sure of all the answers myself. I would think that I have some Oedipus complex because I crave the Love from my Mother that I didnt get - yet the more I thought about it, the more disgusted I was by it while the parts that remain are for some other woman anyway. Is it real or just a crutch? Who can tell? Am I into mature or was it just that? I think we can't reduce all of ourselves to such petty explanations. Like my Transsexuality. Were I to question it, what remains? I can only think of it that way: Questioning my Transsexuality is to me like pissing at a tree and wondering whether the tree is there due to my piss since the piss actually so runs down in the shape of the tree. But well ... I stil feel like I have a lot more to digest ... so, now isn't a good time for this!

I might not even be finished here! WIth this trauma thing.

On the other end, I'm doing fine here. I've gained some weight and from simply just gymnastics and some mild strenth training I have nonstop sore muscles. I get Magnesium supplement now - morning and evening - since some time now actually, almost 2 weeks - and I'm getting "out" here next week. Then its 'day clinic'. Which means - I live at home but for the day I have to come here.

And yea - other than just dealing with these things myself all help I get here ... well. At first they offered me to somehow manage a meeting with my Mother which I didn't want. Then silence, and now the option for Anti-Depressives. I'll see how they work. Its something I have to handle myself and since I can't expect any of my relatives to change I'm pretty much stuck with my "sensations" - there's nothing anyone could do. I don't know how to handle it myself - but I am a lot more reluctant about connecting with them. I feel like every time I'm with them I'm getting weaker, as, once I'm back home I first need time to 'ignore' all the things back into their proper place in oblivion; And by the time I'm fine again the next meeting is there. I probably caught a lucky time to be here since my mum also used to be in holiday leading up to it. And this month also took an unexpected toll on my bank-account. So, double yay! At the end of the money still so much month left! ^^ ANd this time I barely spent any and yet am almost bankrupt. This webspace now costs me nearly a hundred bucks - which means that I now have to start saving to be ready for the next bill. And I do 'only' have 500 gigabytes for Videos, which means - thats as much as I could possibly do. I don't know where we're at right now. 100? 150? Well, there's still plenty of space I guess.

But the uploading is a chore. If I upload multiple at once there's an almost certain guarantee that at least 33% fail. Sometimes more than 50. ...

Like so, I spent that entire weekend doing nothing but - after laying there for some moments - recording and then after I had slept, while I went to sleep as I got really really tired - uploading. And the time I had to upload everything wasn't enough as you might be well aware of. And it does feel straineous at times. I say I feel well but at times I put myself under some extra stress - and with that included I'm not doing all 'that' well right now. I'm still weak. Everything exhausts me. I'm basically exhausted almost all of the time. Partly from eating, partly from sports. But I'm above 50 now! Should be around 51 by now. Being optimistic ... 51.5. Which means I'm probably at 50.9 to 51.1. Well. Its going up.

Getting no feedback on what I'm doing here sucks! And, I ... I should spend more time pondering on how to properly whine about these things!

Quest For Truth UpdateSidestepping

Posted by Nicole Mon, July 16, 2018 18:46:18

Added "(On) A Quest For Truth" to the main story page.

Placebo and Anti-PlaceboGeneral Stuff

Posted by Nicole Thu, July 05, 2018 21:47:47

During my recent episode, the C-PTSD one, I've had to dig through a lot of mud. And during that I've had to think of a couple of other, basically unrelated things. Like so - "Psychiatry Episodes" from certain franchises. I remember the one in Stargate Atlantis and the one in Sanctuary. Well, the one in Sanctuary isn't quite that. For what they're worth - to me it used to be about reality. Knowing who or what you are, also: What reality actually is like - and not listening to the bullshit of others ... that maybe do but also maybe do NOT know things any better.

I've done what I could - being honest, speaking it out, ... while after all being really melancholically sad in some way. Struggling about what I should do. Melancholic about myself and the realization that befell me.

The final outcome is however not the projected one; Just yet anyhow. What actually bothered me was less the decision, but the truth of what I would recognize as the actually persistent disorder. A disorder I mayhap wouldn't recognize because of certain expectations implanted into my by this world. As, right at the start of this all, ... so prejudices.

But well, ... woe ..., before I'm loosing my head here - ... uh, what can I do?

I so went home from wednesday to thursday, and during that time the problem sortof went away. I had time to spend on things that actually bothered me priority wise; As some time in Street Fighter and Dark Souls. Getting them Uploads done, ... getting some of the real old stuff on my PS4s Hard-drive sorted out and getting started with them Dark Souls Videos.

So, what I did there was actually ... whats the word ... what people do with traumatic experiences, where they ignore it, then forget about it and eventually it comes back to haunt them. Which is basically my whole problem with that disorder. Maybe. Well, in a sense at least. I would try to get my head into things that would make me forget. In the beginning all that mayhap just cause I lacked anyone to actually socialize with. Which, ... could be related but is more of a circumstantial thing anyhow. But so the experienced freedom from being away from 'my past' behoofed me to aspire greatness, while any meeting with my family dragged me down. I would then need time to digest all that; And by the time I'd be ready - another month had gone by.

While I now would suggest that the solution is for me to find a way into independence independently, there also is the threat of just knowing the issue and facing it. However.

Now, yea - so. One item on mind here is the contrast between ... 'bad' psychology and 'good' psychology. The bad way being pretty much the idea or assumption that once someone suffers a disorder, the entire mind of that individual is practically sick and following the rhetorical outlines of given set of problematic issues. But, ... I'm gonna stop that right here.

More to the point however should it be emphasized that problems like Schizophrenia at least for the sake of argument also exist on a spectrum. And beyond a certain threshold we'd speak of actual Schizophrenia. In that sense, not having Schizophrenia so doesn't say that things that do help against Schizophrenia won't help you in a way. (Yes, "duh" does gender exist on a spectrum, if we stay at it that 'sex' is the biological thing. ...).

We can so conclude that when we seriously speak of a mental health disorder, that an individuals 'natural systems of control' are somehow dysfunctional. "Duh". So, while it is said that certain mental health issues imply that a person for instance tends to make things up, one can only safely start to distrust a person once it evidently does so. Otherwise, ... well, ... life can be crazy at times! Now with CRISPR we can't even be sure whether someone 'really' saw a Unicorn or not. Uh, although - being 'open minded' might include that we should believe it 'anyhow' - yea, but then we can also believe in the flying Spaghetti Monster because "why not?".

So yea, the ... line is narrow. And blurry.

At this point ... I need to mention Placebos. Some of the staff here recently hinted out ... speaking about personal health care rights and wrongs ... that for some people Neuroleptica don't work. Now I'm first of all reminded of how it is with weed. Some get depressed from it - so they obviously aren't going to be much into it. I for myself approached the treatment with Neuroleptica like I approach smoking weed - which might be entirely and most utterly different from how other potheads approach smoking weed. Whatever the case did I so come to formulate a suggestion. One who so doubts the effects of Neuroleptica would so come to create something like "Antibodies" - somehow watching whats going on in the mind ... and while the mind isn't 100% biological somehow diverting its effectiveness; While the thing might very well yet do what its supposed to do.

To put that into a proper perspective, according to me, on the other hand we have Placebos. In my idea the way they work is that first of all the individual needs to have an inner, mental/pyschological/spiritual understanding of the disease as to a point where it might derive the supposed antidote to it - should it be psychically resolvable. Then the placebo is introduced and through the belief in it being the right antidote the individual subconsciously diverts its 'belief' into the right channels and thus resolves the problem mentally.

And similarly I should have been able to help myself out of my dilemma. Like if I see that I play too much Video Games and worry that I play too much Video Games the obvious resolve is to play less Video Games. If the problem is more complex I could skip that and move on to the next reason to my problems that I see. For me that used to be 'something else'. Something thats missing - and so the idea of getting 'picked up' would provide me with the possibility of having other pillars in my life which would shift the way I spend my time in a good way. And thats a perfectly reasonable assumption considering that we're social beings. Now, learning to eat again and spending my energy in a good way - thats something I've begun to learn here.

And thats ... in about it. So, left is the issue with Anti-Placebos. Well ... maybe there's a better word. I remember two occasions during my stay in Los Angeles that would bestow me with material to fuel worries and fears for some time to come. The one thing was a guy that I never saw before who got at me the one night I slept in Pershing Square. He had a glass or bag full of pennies and told me that he was my brother. He then told me that he'd give me money from those pennies to get a ride back to the shelter where I was at; And some crazy conditions alongside that I don't really remember anymore. The other guy was someone ... I'm not even sure if I asked him or whether he offered it to me - but it was about a cigarette. He told me he was a demon or an angel or something and that there would be a cost to it. Now - the way I recall it I both times was reluctant to accept their offering, but then they turned it around, making it acceptable. That Demon guy meant something about a weird feeling in my left foot - like a hoof - and it would somehow continue to bother me until some time, I don't know - possibly mentioning it at a point like this. Not sure. However - the thing is that this feeling was there and as the memory of what actually happened blurred out I could worry that I agreed to an unreasonable deal. Its still there, sometimes. Whenever I think about it.

By the way, that Angel Demon guy said that it will soon be over with Los Angeles. "^^"(??) That was 2006 by the way. Could he have told the truth?

But yea, ... make of this what you will! Or would. Or whatever. Peace!

Dealing with BipolarityGeneral Stuff

Posted by Nicole Tue, July 03, 2018 21:05:04

Well, on further inspection it sure ain't some Borderline disorder that I have. I think my symptoms are too tame for that. If on a scale from 1 to 10 8 were like the threshold, or anyhow, I'm more of a 0.1. Bipolarity on the other hand, ... well, ... I don't really get 'depressed' - and actually would generalize Bipolarity as ... "artists Disease". There's just that kind of work that requires some amount of immersion, isn't the regular ... morning to evening type of thing. Ideas come when they come ... though, in contrast to how I lived before I got into this clinic, ... I'd say I've certainly overdone it to my detriment. That so as since I'm here have gained and taken distance to my own 'work' or "work" - consciously trying to more so inch my way back in by doing things that aren't really as demanding and would later help me to have things easier. Well, its ... either way ... also part of the plan. What I've been looking forward to, what I thought or felt like being unable to do at the time ... . Usually I'd say that I don't have enough space to unfold. Doing the paperwork first, thinking things out beforehand. Maybe also due to paranoia, but that paranoia then would usually get confirmed as I'd find myself unable to think. To do what I'd want to.

I think - to assume I have some bipolarity disorder - the phases so far always had some buffering. Either way my activity would dominate my daily life and whether I be manic or depressed ("depressed") wouldn't truly matter. I would put it in quotation marks because I've had a deep depression which I've seen going away since I outed myself. But, ... well, I think I now understand a bit better where the buts to that would be coming from.

So, arguing that BPD comes with problems of associating or developing a personality - is however nonsense. If I have BPD, I even more so have C-PTSD and regarding that ... there's been some hiatus today. Whether its just in my head or not, ... doesn't matter. It just appears to be more difficult now to actually ... say it out loud and ... I worry that it wouldn't even be taken seriously.

Its complicated.

Well, the way that "it" started ... was that at some point today some thoughts about it came into my head. Be it doubts, or just some 'wind' blowing that way, ... I'm not really sure anymore but ... at some point I'd "throw" a link to what I'd be most worried about ... which in this very case is the leash. And as I found it somehow fallen into "those" hands I tore it back out and thats where the drama began. At the end I'd think that they are more keen on 'holding' it than I thought. Really desperate. And the moment I'd leave it out of my sight, they'd fetch it so that the next moment I look its back there. As for the 'real' consequences, ... I simply feel weak to resist them. Or so the issue of keeping my family at a distance.

With all those things running through my head I could certainly appear depressed - or whatever it is that bipolarity has on the other side of the mania. More thoughtful, withdrawn. Its so a back and forth between things that distract one sufficiently enough from those problems and the 'awakening' to the matters that are nonetheless unresolved.

And the more inwardly stressed I am by those things, the more ... it also 'bleeds out' into the visible. As I might so find myself with a rather angry expression on my face while I'm so struggling about a thing, growing necessarily angry, mad, ... boiling, ... about "them".

Initially I would laugh about their efforts. 'These' type of things. But eventually its just too much. It drives me insane and makes me prolong when they'll receive their deserved judgment which I would work towards, making sure they don't get away from it. Well, in those moments however. Usually I get back to a "whatever" - and that mostly because ultimately I don't want to needlessly lessen the quality of my life - but eventually it depends on their suffering. Maybe. But nonetheless - essentially I'd rather have them rot away in oblivion than be bothered a tiny bit about them.

Eventually I'm too much stuck in my head as well. Too focused on these visualizations, not knowing how real they are after all - although the discomfort is very real as it after all triggers my upsetness. But I can look into the now and here and tell myself that I'm in charge of my life. Thus avoiding the issue to slip into my imagination as subject to a battle I don't think I'm likely to win; And rather so taking it to the front of my mind where I make those decisions I finally end up making. And yea - thats probably the 'real' consequence and why schizophrenia and all that stuff are considerably real and serious problem situations/conditions.

"Darkman X got you bouncing again! bouncing again! bouncing again!"


Tadaa! And yea, that Cryptonite thing, ... its coming! Its recorded already!

Dealing with C-PTSD/BPD?General Stuff

Posted by Nicole Tue, July 03, 2018 11:17:44

[To begin with ...]

Its weird because I knew/know something is wrong with me but the at the time provided answers just wouldn't work for me. And writing about it, or starting to write about it now, at first feels like laying down in a bed of chaos. Its something that isn't really new on my blog. That from time to time I just feel like I have too much information on my mind to properly know where or how to start.

Luckily I've got some thoughts that would have made it in here were my thoughts recorded. It is about how I "would" ordinarily begin, which is then however also a matter of its own. The first things that come to my mind stem from these, ... well, schizophrenic paranoia - thoughts regarding "Rufmord" ('killing of reputation') - where I so would get to write about what I think people would say to this; As so a matter of downplaying my situation and being like I couldn't possibly have either of the two. I would get into these things trying to from there draw the line to more serious problems. And then probably spend more time dealing with these things; The other half of which would simply be lies; Than I should - thus forgetting the things that practically matter.

As so the recent post somehow shows. There's a thing that has been somewhere on my mind but nowhere near the things I would write about. I might get to write about it eventually, when the situation would allow it. I think it is part of my 'fighting spirit'. As, to some extent we all have been conditioned to not be whiney. To fight. As of that I would shove those weaknesses into the background and be occupied with the things that feel like there's conflict.

This ... also is, I suppose, one of the ways how problems with concentration are associated to a lot of mental health disorders. It is that the person doesn't have problems concentrating per se, but once there are things that just go 'against the wind', one has too many sails set that make it hard to stay on course.

So do I yet feel like I have to draw up a defense, ... being dragged into what those "voices" are concerned of. But I have something of a 'primary line' of ... whatever.

Infantile Amnesia ... is a thing I think I suffer. Over the last year or so I've had flashbacks of memories that ... are of a younger age but they just don't fit into anything. They seem somewhat associated to trauma, but aren't traumatic of themselves. They're like fragments. The other point to complete the line is that 'since I remember', my life has pretty much been like a constant ergo-therapy. Uhm, that is, ... drawing, building stuff (toys, playful), ... well, creative things. Its one of the things I've always been encouraged to do - but at certain points; And thats where I get closer to the 'pool of emotions' I have that makes me believe I have C-PTSD; My efforts have been crushed.

"I believe". Well, I get Quentrapin is it I think, ... and by researching it I got into reading about where its used and known to help; And while I don't think that the usual disorders are the ones I suffer, setting myself apart with the possibility of suffering PTSD or C-PTSD made my mood swing around and all the optimism I had was liked washed away, leaving a somewhat melancholic, sad, ... heavy hearted one. And on further investigation I think one can be rather certain that I suffer some form of bipolar disorder.

PTSD however is usually associated to some heavy trauma - which is something I have a hard time to find. Per se. My childhood has been pretty, ... 'ergo therapy' we can say. But so one of the things I remember is that I once started to draw a Comic; And I asked my gramps to make a case for it out of plywood. I had a concrete idea of how I wanted it to be; Only needed him to cut the wood and drill the holes. And at some point my mum just threw it away. She had a wild habit of doing so. Whenever she felt like our room was too untidy she just arbitrarily threw out all the things dear to us/me. Maybe its an exaggeration, but to me it is not. The 'most recent' of those stunts she pulled is already several years old; But ... I had those pants ... my favorites, ... and at some point she just felt like - or whatever - turning them into shorts.

My dad, he used to punish us with the leather belt. Whenever we did something silly. Maybe we sometimes 'deserved' it - as a means of education. One may be skeptical about those methods nonetheless, but I can't say that they didn't work. Maybe. But sometimes we were punished for 'taking things', and not money. I so 'took' my dads Camcorder at some point because I wanted to use it and didn't think he'd use it. He didn't miss it for quite a while at least. As they found out, we got punished. I got punished. And at that time some passersby heard my cries, called the police and ... thats a memory.

Later I then got to sink my own boat by being in Love with that girl whom I meant to impress and trust by sending her all I did. And that was yet another phase. It might be relevant that I mention that I at that time had spent most of my time daydreaming - usually felt like an outsider or dragged along while eventually all my friends ... or those closest to me at the time ... would make fun of me behind my back and pulling some other stunts.

That would also conclude the 'things' I'd mention in regards to Trauma - something that ... 'things' that simply were too much for me to handle at any given point along the line - with no time given to however gain any distance or comfort or whatever outside of ... ergo therapy.

Right now, ... I only don't want to answer my phone anymore. The time I was "back on the streets" I felt free, redeemed, good - and even happy about my past. It was a great time, somehow, ... at least I had felt some genuine comfort every once in a while, ... but all that changed the moment I responded to my family. And right now its just the same. I was feeling well here - starting to feel better - but eventually I responded to my mum, told her where I was (why I had no time) and now she wants the address to come visit me. And I really don't want that!

How that affects the rest of my work here is somehow uncertain. Sure its close to say that most of my clarity is 'a' way of dealing with these problems; Making up 'fantasy friends' to comfort me next to whatever other excuse my mind would need to somehow believe in it. That doesn't answer everything though, as ... just 'what' the things are I like - but - those are problematic from another point of view; And I'd by lying were I to say that I don't experience any problematic nature in them. But I can say that when I feel happy as a slave, so with collar and leash, it is important to me who held it. If I so were to bite the one who held it - rather - no good! And not just that. Even if the person were OK in some way but just not 'close enough' - "like maybe only my own fantasy could produce" - it wouldn't really work either.

I think a part of those experiences are/were therapy given by God which ordinary doctors wouldn't have thought might help or were good in any way. But there's so the thing: Whatever my problems are, due to whichever experience; Underneath it all is still me - and that is independent to whatever happened to it. So I can't deduce who or what I truly am just by going into the opposite to what ... happened.

And yes - I had optimism before the realization "befell" me - and ponding about this, I ... realize ... that if I take distance to my family - I feel better and my optimism returns; ... has some grounds to grow upon. Now I just somehow need to convert this realization into practice.