My Blog

Sometimes I'm just stupidGeneral Stuff

Posted by Nicole Mon, February 19, 2018 09:50:03


[reflecting upon personal mistakes]


Well, this kindof goes to toes with one of the things "on" at the beginnings of this blog. But first - a little off-segment. That goes to the insight that it can be difficult to talk of success and failure when writing. Well - spelling, grammar and "form-flow" errors aside - the content is obviously what matters. (And one of the things that I see/feel coming up is a vastly greater (intimate) understanding of how we're all differently unique - as why I alone can't convince everybody. Even the term 'to convince' can have different impact depending on from whom it comes. Someone who's a master of manipulation could tell you more straight up about that than I could. Such and such.)

So, there was this story from me playing Ark where all of my Dinosaurs died twice. The second time was more of my own mistake. Well - now there's a third story to that. I just lost one Dinosaur that however has grown onto me; As its the only Dinosaur I took to Ragnarok and I've gotten 3 successful single Griffin tames with it. The Server on which we played got full though, so we moved out. I just wanted to take some of my stuff back but noticed I had enough kibble for a top-level griffin, ... so I went out to look for one. I totally botched that one. But that isn't the important bit. I've tried something new, sortof succeeded but forgot to close the back door, died, respawn was on cooldown, had to wait 5 minutes and during that time my Argentavis died. Well. So I was there without Dino then - far off of anything to get back to the Island server on which we played - and somehow I felt like going for an adventure. I was sortof bent to still get a griffin out of it - but with almost nothing ... hmm. I first tired a Pteranodon - and I got unsure about whether the time is worth it. I thought not - walked about ... ended up at a steep cliff, wanted to look down, slipped - and yea - I thought: OK, I might land on the ground and I could easily pick up all my valuables; But landed on a single rock thats just out of reach without a good flying mount. All yellow stuff and kibble gone - back to entirely naked - and that was the day.
The story here is that in hindsight this whole sequence felt ... well ... kindof scripted. Like I decided to wander about just to drop down that cliff just to land on that rock. While I was totally ... well, "thinking", that I was doing the right thing.

I thought to take this story and explain ... well, what can I explain? Well - to 'think about' my story, my doings, from that angle - of kindof unintentionally but inevitably screwing myself over.
Yet - there's another take on this event that has come to my attention. I'm 'never' lucky - I guess - when I play "Ninja". I mean - getting into a survival game and being all careful. Trying to play safe. The main reason might be because a Videogame doesn't provide you with enough input to succeed in this mindset. You can't hear a branch cracking from someone sneaking up behind - at best are there vague thoughts of what might/could happen.
My drawn conclusion to this is that there are areas where I am as stupid as those that I would look down upon.

This little story/issue does I feel cut right down to the heart of an issue thats kindof important right now I guess. Maybe one final thing I got to explain properly.


So I was laying half-wake recently - bothered about something formulating some text in my mind. And it revolves around my IT project(s). I don't know from which angle I got into it - and this isn't really the only thing that comes to my mind, ... but its one thing I - ... have a more objective touch on. I mean - its ... a thing. And a thing I can relate to right now.
So there is the issue with glitches. I guess I got to this since I've been watching a good amount of speedruns recently. When it comes to that, ... I've encountered "glitches" in my own programs. Or - errors of a kind; In a program thats too simple for glitches to really become an issue. SO there is this one 'bug' that I keep on writing about since its the most simple to explain ... or 'debunk'. But once I tell this story (I did so once I guess) to someone who doesn't understand IT - they would think I just stupid. Explaining it to someone who does understand IT - well - not sure. Certainly there is a margin of disbelief that makes this difficult. Or ... made. The IT guy would try to figure out what I did wrong - while my story is that I did nothing wrong. Could not. Which is why its a miracle - yet because it can't be replicated (I guess) - ... I'm not sure if I got my old code (bad archiving practices) - its just ... a dull story.

The thing is this: I was writing a program to start with my game. It was supposed to be an editing environment to create assets, maps and what not and have it all in a way that comes together as it should in the end. So I started, because that was the main ambition at the time, with a globe - but I didn't do anything other than have it the way I wanted it. Then I started with a flat plane a.k.a. "Dungeon Space" and after getting the navigation done I built a 3D Model editor into it so I could create 3D assets on the fly. It worked - although I can't say I'm really proud about how it worked - but I was about to change the wonky part as I would be going forward. I however could create stuff and put it into my map. Thats how far it worked. No menus - because I kept it simple. Pressing F1 on the globe screen took me to the Dungeon screen and pressing ... P or something ... took me to the editor. The only menu I had was to select models created.
SO it worked. It all worked while revolving around a single main class accessible through one pointer. Its not as relevant - while for a non IT person all that matters is that there is only 'one thing' through which I was accessing everything I needed. Which - well - might be pretty standard here and there. So I meant to add some stuff to my program - added a variable to the class and an 'if' statement to test it for a certain value. Pretty standard. But for some reason the program crashed. By the end I just had an empty if bracket - so [if(_ptr->var) {}] and it still crashed. Removing the if block made it work again. And it was just that if block. The "_ptr" variable is accessed throughout the function. Prior to the if and subsequent to the if. It isn't changed at any point because that would be bad in general. So - an IT guy would tell you that I then must have used a faulty pointer. But I'm pretty sure I couldn't have missed it. Was there another identifier with a similar name? It did compile - and I'm sure I have more than double-checked.
There's another bug I encountered. My first 3D Model Editor all of a sudden began to crash after I created a second thing/poly/triangle. It worked fine before I implemented triangle-strips as a thing. So I wanted to track the problem down and used 'printf' to write stuff to the console - so that I could see at which point the program stopped. I tracked it down to a call to glColor3ub. A function that pretty much never crashes. I can't see how it would. There is nothing you can pass to that function to crash it. It takes 3 single byte variables ... and whatever the bits of those bytes are - its gonna be some value between 0 and 255 and thats how ... 24 bit RGB works!

But there is a logical explanation. My programming was shit! I mean - to get to the magical if error; The point was that all the things drawn were drawn in a "Lets first of all just have it there" manner. It was ... my first real solid attempt at it. Kindof. Its been 1 year in. 1 year of C++/OpenGL experience. So, with the 'if' block I kindof began to 'build' on that placeholder mechanic - and eventually I ralized that this is the only logical explanation. Thus being encouraged to rethink the entire approach I however kindof figured that starting over again would be better. Thats just how my mind went about it. And so also the 3D Model Editor (the glColor3ub error) ended. While now I have a technologically much more refined idea of how that should work.
And thats the thing. While doing my programming I was constantly reminded or encouraged ... well ... there was an undertone of the quality of my code being important. On the other side there's the idea that by Gods inspiration I should pretty much have a flawless run. Its like ... nobody would have cared about how little experience I got. So eventually people would have argued that so God should have prevented me from succeeding with that code.
Which in reverse means that my progress is somehow locked to your expectations. Except we'd have it the other way where I'd just have code better than anyone else on this planet ... "could even dream of" ... but then I'd be having a piece of tech at my hands I'm not really sure of ... it being such a good idea ... to have it ... since, ... how safe am I?
"If you walk through the fire it won't kindle upon you" - well - in which way? Should I 'open' "Pandoras Box" on my computer and just be like "Its gonna be fine!" - or could I just not open it ... no matter how hard I tried?

There is I guess a third way - but, writing code that is supremely advanced while not being convertible into a "doomsday weapon" should however turn out to be counter-intuitive. So - I would want to write good and efficient code while the inspirations would direct me another way - and so I'm bound to fail ... for the time during which I don't understand!
Which even solves the 'inspiration' issue - quite conveniently.

If the story however were that I just had to fail ... in order to not get stuck in my noobian code and be constantly encouraged to evolve ... its kindof the same thing. The story is still that I'm pretty much at the beginning of it all - and that because the beginning sets precedent for how the rest will be working out. Its a part of IT that I tried to explain frequently - but however I approached it, it usually "ends up" as an argument between whether or not every assembly of code is somehow salvageable. So - you can take the code for a calculator and turn it into a ... weather app. Even if nothing of the old code remains - the fact were still that it was there during the transition. Whatever. ANd then I had to say: "Yes, you can hack everything, potentially ..." - but I might then also just start over!
But why? Isn't that an "automatic fail"?
Where I got the complaint to say: "Fail where? In doing what?" - since, listen: The story is that I was on my mission trying to establish contacts to advance the plot - they turned out to be uninterested or whatever and so I had nothing better to do but to start programing. Is it now my fault again that 'YOU' just won't get 'YOUR' lazy butts off your couches?
#"Blown out of Proportion".

As of that comes the impression (although all of these considerations do only exist in my mind, arguably) that all that 'my opponent' does is preying for something to turn into a huge mistake on my behalf - a sign of crushing evidence that proofs that I cannot be trusted with whatever responsibility that I'm supposed to hold. (But I don't need to be good at everything other than the thing I got to be good at. But what is it? "Isn't that the question"? - You might though "ask" the one who's supposed to be that one. But how would you know who that is? ... sigh. What a fucking hilarious shitshow! Yea, welcome to my epic!)

(And no - the variable I accessed (magical if error) wasn't at the end of the class. Matter of fact I checked that - just to be sure - to have it somewhere I knew was safe because I was using variables further back in the class as well. But I did have a bad feeling the moment I implemented that variable.)

And there's a bit of an urban legend to accompany that mystery bug issue: No code/program (?) other than my own will be capable of constructing a globe as mine. I mean - from the technical standpoint. So - instead of creating an Orb from triangles, I'm constructing an orb from squares. Obviously most of the "squares" aren't legitimately 'squares' and the same could be accomplished using triangles - but I liked the idea of squares while it aligns with the classical 'Tile based' way of how games were made. And this might be true - or else Breath of the Wild might have actually been playing on a globe!
I mean - I mentioned it before (and by the way, ... when it gets to Nintendo its not all bad - that comes from me) but that ruined citadell/church that was seen so often during the earlier presentations of the game - I've seen it. Back in the days. I was wondering about what to do - and the projected consequence of one thing was that ... well, was it? However did I have the image of that citadel on a globe-ish thing. Not a huge planet, more like Mario Galaxy-ish, ... but not that small. Would make for an interesting entry I think. Somewhat (subjectively) Links Adventure-esque.

And of course this is 'us' just being egoistic I guess.


But now to the other thing. It can be constructed, from what I've been telling thus far, that whenever I write about Sex I might be inevitably screwing myself over. That story implied that I possibly should return to the Island with all I got and not go hunt down another griffin. And yea - there are those things I tend to overlook. Like, there's BSE - which comes from feeding cow bones to cows - ish; Which is something against cannibalism. Also are there biological reasons not to do incest; At least ... to the point of procreation. But eventually we can continue on this path and be against smoking and drinking. Which - well - we should be, I guess ... but ... do we want to wear protective gear when playing pool because a ball might bounce off the table? Does this argument solve any issues?

So, I could have gone and hunt down a griffin, or I could have returned home with a good amount of kibble to tame a maybe better griffin later. It was anyhow only 130 - which is ... kindof OK but to be on the good side you might want nothing below 140 - beyond a first try.
What I have slowly gathered over time is that my issues with clarity persist. I've tried to get into a "God might expect something from me" mindset multiple times - but things always played out the same way. So either I'm supposed to rebuke those things on principle with no real foundation of doing so while also growing more and more unhappy exponentially when even just thinking about it sometimes (now/here for instance) - or thats just it.
Eventually the term 'esoteric plane' came in - and when moving further on that end we have to acquire the insight that all of clarity is pretty much just there. So, while my mindset is that of an enthralled sex-slave it doesn't have to say that this is what my life is going to be always. Its then only relevant to me and my intimate affiliates - in a way of status quo and stuff. I mean ... the words here are just to spawn a vague idea as I don't have much more to it. I have the impression that words can't tell - for one reason or another. If you want to argue about it you have to note that you only have words without a matching experience as to how the force works. You might think that you can objectively comprehend it - but you're missing 'the depth' at which it works.

But for now I'm done here - with this.


ANd yea, thats it for now!

CruelGeneral Stuff

Posted by Nicole Thu, February 15, 2018 15:05:05


[rambling about stuff]


So - just as an interesting bit to have on mind: Try the search term 'cruel' on your favorite porn site. What do you think you'll get out of it? Well - to avoid you ending up on "the one" site that hosts different content - on my site of choice the 'victims' are mostly male. Like - in one out of 20 ... or 50 ... videos a female is.

Just saying.

On another note did I just find 'this': [http://www.spiegel.de/wissenschaft/mensch/youtube-facebook-co-sehend-ins-verderben-kolumne-a-1192615.html] article - which is pretty interesting.


And I think these two items create a neat contrast in the given context. What are we 'made' to see - and what is 'actually' there to see?

The whole Anti-SJW agenda is basically all around it. It has evolved to that point I'd say ... and that so because the SJW nonsense drove those that disagreed ... down that road. So there is the "women get paid less" argument vs "women also work less" counter-argument. And if thats not enough ... men do the riskier jobs and die more often. Both can be casually reviewed as equally unfounded/full-of-shit.

But yea, I've ended so at the "bottom" of YouTube a few times. Which as of that article is the point where you only got Horror and Conspiracy nonsense left. But thats where the Cool Hard Logics and Captain Disillusions come in. Makes for much better content! Captain Disillusion is definitely worth checking out.


I've been paid once to piss into someones mouth - and ... I didn't really enjoy it. In a strange way. Some weird feeling. Like, getting pebbles rubbed along my 'felt' vagina. Hence I wasn't too eager to do that kind of stuff from there on, ... while some little bit of dominance ... different story.

I've been paid to sit on someones belly and rub my butt around it till he'd cum ... which is one of those ... ... well, I didn't touch his cock. Thats the thing. And thats been a more frequent customer of mine.


This is a side of 'men' you don't get to see ordinarily - I mean - which is why they'd come to the likes of me.

And the way I get to remember those days; And also how I feel about myself - or felt about myself during those moments - it ... tells me who/what I am ... 'again'. As, what'd I enjoy more than ... [that stuff]? Maybe that last guy I mentioned makes a great example as I too enjoyed myself during those moments - and I believe that mostly because I enjoyed my position there ... as an asset mostly there ... just for the looks it would seem. Some rather useless presence ... maybe ... yet free to feel ... arousing. Or ... stimulating.

All just superficial?
I don't think, but ... to an extent.


As I previously wrote about 'words' - I here have the same issue with circumstance. There's this "figure" that is now eager to "understand" ... how all of this won't make sense anymore. ... Sigh.


I don't know ... what to make of that ... or how to handle it.

There were cocks I liked to suck, there were guys that sucked mine in a way that made me feel alright - and sure, ... recently the 'gay' parts of me have again become a bit more dominant. Still not saying that I'm gay. I'm not! That won't change! It ... can't! But I'm certainly into men when it gets to the "real stuff" (just sex) - as a woman though - which is a 'but' ... I can shove in, ... but doesn't change the fact that these things are true no matter my gender. But guy on guy action so isn't my thing! Generally.

And there were others I didn't like to suck. Not out of prejudice ... just ... the time itself wasn't fun. It was a pain eventually to get those to an end. Sad story? Well - a simpler story if we knew more about prostitution. Like - whenever a bitch complains about a guy there might be another bitch thats actually into it. I remember one day where some customer chose some other guy. 5 Minutes ... or not even ... later he came out and asked me to take over because he couldn't handle it and I found myself totally enjoying it!

So there was this one guy who got his hopes up that I might join him on his holidays ... talking about his wealth and making hints at "hosting" me ... like, ... by giving me a place to stay. In essence quite an attractive offering, but that guy ... well ... nope!

Saying that people have their fantasies and they don't always align - which isn't saying that there isn't a way. Like - the 'swap' situation I mentioned earlier. On him he had no luck - on me - more so.


If I ever was afraid of anyone during that time - it were generally folks that I would categorize as people that, ... well, ... would seem like being 100% socially integrated. Guys with immense self-confidence while showcasing the douchiest of behavior. Well - the stuff that some horror movies are made of.

Just saying! (Not sorry!)
[slow and sarcastic] "Sorry!"
Just saying!


The average drunk stumbling up the stairs ... generally not an issue and wope ... back down they stumble. I mean ... those alcohol corpses that seem to be only capable of following some malfunctioning internal GPS; Where its hard to say who's more surprised about him standing in front of our door - he or we?


Oh yea, the right tone. How do I get that straight? Gots to be complicated. I figured that the best way to get started in that way is to make analogy to music. Like ... how my internal mood and thus "effective sound" is like a melody. So - somehow. More like progressive trance. But not like ... uh, ... words again.

But sometimes I have the feeling that times where I'm totally chill (more like a calm and "solid" baseline) ... get taken as me shrieking around like a banshee after getting its testicles removed. While I sometimes ... or generally ... talk like that ... so, in an upset tone ... thats just correspondent to my mentality. Calm until I just got to shout "Bullshit!". "And look at that! And here and there! And whats this?!".

Now that I think of it - I feel that its kindof rare that I get to talk in a totally relaxed way.

But before this whole issue is sophisticated enough for me to start using musical notations prior to each sentence ... uh, ... can we set this aside? And how would I denote this? High pitched calm with offset to expected laughter. ???


Eventually I'd have to start using notes alongside each word while also some way of distinguishing different instruments.
Good look finding someone who'd love to do such. I wouldn't even if it were done for me!


I'm tired!

A world of GreedGeneral Stuff

Posted by Nicole Thu, February 15, 2018 13:44:52


[Rambling, Could and Woulds, Ifs and Thens, Double Standards and Sexuality again - rounded up in a piece thats vastly about opinions and misconceptions] - an Anti-SJW piece [and stuff about Gaming]



Once again its the time where I just don't know what to write ... (about). I have plenty of stuff round about on my mind - some of which I tried to write about but it didn't go anywhere. But within this 'puff' of thoughts eventually my urge to write keeps increasing, ... nonetheless, ... and eventually it just happens. Logically this should translate into an interpretation whereby it is viewed as an act of God that I get these thoughts - but no, not really. It isn't inherently logical. The iterative thought pops up, makes sense - and while on this narrow threading, basically having tunnel-vision of trying to keep things straight, one is required to bridge that gap somehow. The word 'logical' appears up there because, ... it does so come in. If you reason about my situation you eventually get to the "God does stuff to get me somewhere" thing. Then the word 'should' is used as a buffer word - though honestly, ... I'm already missing something at that point.

And it happens. Its bad - I guess. So we have to return and get back to what we do and improve upon ourselves. And that is best when not asked for. Thats ... truly independent. Maybe thats why I'm extremely allergic to people telling me to do stuff that I already have on my radar to do. It makes me then therefore not wanting to do it anymore. But yet jumping through the hoop - that is another side of good. Both 'goods' are inherently opposed to each other. So - on a simple chart thats only about you and 'the Environment' - generally. In this environment however are other "yous" - sotospeak - which means you're not guaranteed to see everything first because that wouldn't be logically possible.


So I guess this situation needs me to briefly touch upon a few things I wrote about. I guess there even is a 'thing' that happened which maybe toppled me for a moment. I was thinking about Star Wars - and I got the sense that the bit I threw in as for how Episode 7 could have started was, well, might call it a 'hit'. Spawning a new kind of something that would encourage me to somehow iterate on that as a ... well ... some kind of back and forth. On one end to maybe try what happens whence "the people" wrote the screenplay. Just ... 'playing' so - at least, because ... I'm not sure ... .
Anyhow - and I wrote some stuff and - as it turns out there is this bug my computer has, ... which - sometimes when I put it to sleep it won't wake up anymore - and - once I shut down the computer the stuff I wrote in Notepad++ but didn't save ... are gone.

Now I'm troubled because I'm not sure about what kind of surveillance I'm under, "if any".

So, I'm kindof ... "urged" to get back on track by generally rewriting what I had there.

But still something is keeping me away from it.


See, as it turns out the initial "logic" I was writing about - the other way is so: I get to write on stuff, "do something", accomplish things, ... until 'they' get a hang of what track I'm on. Then they begin to basically "spam" my way with stuff that gets me interested/triggered to write on, which I then follow (for the lack of anything better/else to do) - until I'm confused. Meanwhile God enhances an urge within all the stuff thats happening inside of me - drawing those things together that should matter to me and off we go, ... 'onto another track' so to speak.

Same thing ... eurgh, ... consequence, ... but different means - somehow. So, ... same thing? Not really. And ... only slightly. I mean yea - in general we could say that being totally down to the detail here isn't going to matter; But ... the devil is in the detail. In arguing how much this is as any other "God~ish" thing we'd have to ask "Well, what we mean by 'God~ish'". Yet, less nonsensical were it to just look at the thing itself. The "cliff-jump" so to speak. It doesn't matter - as the 'issue' there has to be resolved anyhow. And by thinking some more about 'that' - we would come to that previous conclusion as an alternative.
And there's a certain problem ... that might not be obvious. So - if I then went on to write about "their stuff" - they would have an argument in it being their stuff, ... or something of an ambush ... possibly.

But then - the way out were still either Gods work or Gods reluctance ... so - yea, ... good we've taken care of that!


Most of the time I however feel like there's nothing left for me to do. Again. Its all either obvious enough or too far out of the way. But I wouldn't just retell things that are told already. The issue with Trump replacing food-stamps with food-boxes for instance, ... I could ass some stuff to that. As from my own perspective of how low quality food can ruin your livelihood. What you miss here you want to get elsewhere. "So it gets them to want money and work".
Yea, thats something I started to write about. This is the kind of argument that pops up in my head in some context and becomes something of a face to argue against. It then though turns out that this statement is the exact opposite to the libertarian "request". Well - I had to check back to make sure that thats what I meant, but yea. Well - it would seem its ... the same. So - the more you then work the better money you get and your life will improve. In many ways this whole argument turned against me - and, am I against the libertarian mindset? No - thus that discussion went on to however ... show how what we have today is 'corrupt' ... to the libertarian idea.
We have it right there in the food-boxes thing. With stamps people can go to places and buy their stuff there. With boxes ... the people no longer have a choice where to put their value. So - concurrence? No - socialism. The ... bad kind of.

I guess thats ... an overdue distinction to have/make.

Well, if the "AAA" industry and 'they' hang anyhow together - I could assume that the Loot Boxes backlash made "him" grumpy and as a means to somehow ... compensate ... he used his power to get this money elsewhere. Perhaps they're really ... short ... right now, ... actually.

By the way, ... I wonder how much of that Military Budget increase just goes into his own private army.

He needs to have some 'take-over the world' type of plans or else he wouldn't make such daring moves ... is suggested.


But poor people work harder - because they really 'need' the money to survive. Well, which doesn't work if you can live on ... some social security thing. Because the money just gets you lazier and lazier as opportunity after opportunity turns out to be a wasted effort. Or such. Money gets you lazy ... thats suggested. So, the more people that want to work - the more you can get to work; And paying them little for doing a lot already has them out of the 'entitled' 'class'.

Its ... how it is.

I've been bubbeling here and there about me being advised to not underestimate my opponent, ... and at the time I was warned I had no clue why. All the things that I've seen clearly suggested to me that there is little to no thread he is to me. I mean - I'm superior in any way possible - outside of, ... earthly stuff. Which was then what I thought was what this warning referred to - but this idea was quickly discarded because thats something I can do jackshit about anyhow. Its ... a "duh".
But so it just recently got a little clearer to me just what this warning could actually have been about.

And it sortof starts right here. Or there. Its like a circle though that has ... a frontier in every direction. So, this is only one issue that "gets into that". According to that warning there is little to no good to move any further ... 'here' - that pushing into this direction isn't gonna be good. Or ... 'end well'.

About which I've also come to learn a few lessons. The 'taking warnings seriously' lesson. The "inevitable answer" to the "what can go wrong?" question. Accordingly it is for instance not a good idea to have God lock you into a mindset opposite to the one you're supposed to have. That because you ... well, ... as I take a breath to write some more it already gets more complicated; So I'll leave that for another time I guess.

To draw you a picture though ... have you seen Akira? In this end where this guy just ... "blows up". Thats basically what we're headed towards. We can stand here - at a safe distance - but basically we shouldn't "just walk into Mordor".


Part of the "heeding of warnings" lessons however was that while we don't understand the truth of a warning - we can tend to ignore it anyway. Say, ... we have disbelief. Or we just assume that we can deal with the consequences and grow from them. Often enough thats been the sole purpose of all warnings I've ever gotten. It seems. Like - warnings that were clearly there and later stood revealed as true - but nonetheless I couldn't help myself from yet ignoring them.

Anyway, an explanation is ... always good I think.

So - turns out the enemy is really good at something we already knew about. Hustling, basically. However - what I didn't see was that this eventually culminated into something somewhat differently, ... which, ... in some way we could call righteousness. So, what I'm saying is that once we "ride in" assuming that we're righteous and he's not - we're dealing with this 'Titan'-esque (Attack on Titan) ... well, ... to keep true to my own rationale that I established: Mash-up of Excuses.
In essence the whole workings of this are really simple to understand. A.k.a. "Customer Feedback". Right now I had Dynasty Warriors 9 as presented by Jim Sterling on mind, ... but the original example was something around eastern and churches. So, thinking of a Church as in essence a money making structure with eastern being one of those holidays that gets more people to "attend" than usual - and in times of decline the leader might decide to cut a facility from itself or to somehow increase peoples interests in attending mass.

Tastes bitter ... ? To some?! I guess!

Where would we be without feedback?
So, is the problem 'whom' we give feedback to?
I wouldn't thread in those waters!
I mean - I'm trying not to!

Well, for sure there certainly is wisdom to that; But this wisdom is ... practiced at everyones own discretion. I can share my "pillars" of this' and thats - but well. "The rest is up to you".
Then, yet, anyhow.

And eventually things will solve themselves.

But I think I have a good 'symbol' to make this more comprehensive. The 'Griffin' in 'Ark - Survival Evolved'. Its a game I struggle with - in terms of both: Praising and Shunning it. Well, once I have some criticism about something, there right away is a counter-argument. But whats wrong with the Griffin? The Griffin is maybe the only creature in Ark - well - that doesn't do any damage. I mean, wild creature. In Ark, wild creatures generally roam around with Plant-eaters bing "all that" (harmless and shit) and meat-Eaters being always on the look-out for something to prey on. SO you'll find Rexes trying to eat Brontos, Dilos and Raptors messing around with Trikes and Stegos ... all sorts of stuff. Generally there is always something fighting something. Once you then go look for a Griffin you'll soon notice them trying to hunt something down, as ... "per usual" ...,... except they don't do any damage. This is explicitly stated in the wiki and thus looks like a feature. So, ... why is this? Not that I care? Its another wild animal ... and whether it hurts other wild animals or not ... who cares?

Well - I wondered - and there are a lot of ... "reasons" as to why this 'feature' might have been implemented. Looking back at my earlier impressions from the game, I had some spiteful things to say about meat-eaters. Something about the viability of plant-eaters. For the most part that wasn't really an issue. But here the thing comes to mind that Griffins would be OP - and its supposed to be about Dinosaurs. So yea, another "reasonable explanation". But not so much for Evolution then! Oh, and Ark has Dragons that can spit either fire, poison or lightning.

Why are stones and small trees("bushes") such a huge obstacles for some creatures? "Makes it more realistic" (like, ... each Dinosaur so is better or worse at traversing certain areas?) ... hmm. Well - thinking about the Griffin ... this type of argument doesn't really sound all that ridiculous anymore.

Its a sad ... sad ... show to watch. I've recently seen it. A stego minding its own business, a griffin trying to kill it, the stego getting too close to a wall of some kind, getting the griffin stuck between itself and the wall - and the griffin just hanging in there trying to kill the stego who is also stuck in place and cannot move forward - but he still tries to casually walk its way (while ordinarily they are getting pretty agressive once you hit them).

So, the Griffin would really suck at being an awesome predator ... with these pathetic damage stats. But without some interaction between Griffins and the rest there is no ... 'natural selection' going on - whereby there then were the chance for some higher level Griffins to get around. Or may that have been the issue? That takes me back to a problem I had in Destiny 2 - the strange feeling that the loot I got wasn't entirely random. Which might just be a new business model coming in. You're so on the "shitty droplist" until ... you do something for 'them' or whatever.

And so is it. It just is so. Good? Bad? Can't move either way. SO I get to call it 'perfect'. And on that note I've come to assemble a conclusion for myself to alright with. Not all that many people like to play Ark - no matter how 'perfect' it is.

In the same vein we can argue about its ... Technical side. The Graphics. Why is it that in a game thats all about Dinosaurs the engine gets into trouble the moment you build any structure suitable for serving your Dinos? I mean - people are used to build fences out of 'gates' rather than using "fence foundations" - like: "Shocking News! People try to build structures out of 'walls' to keep Brontosaurs from entering their bases!". Who would have seen that coming?
But its all reasonable! What would you rather have? A cheap looking low poly Dinosaur (like you see whenever the game has problems loading (sometimes)) - or a really awesome looking Dino that almost feels like the real deal? And I can't say that it isn't to a degree awesome to have that high quality stuff. To have knocked out Dinos basically breathing in and out while you as a small dude(tte) can climb around on it ... .... its awesome. Or you can take a closer look at an Ankylo and really feel like, ... getting hit by that means bad news!

Yea, but the lag just makes it borderline idiotic! I so was trying to look for a Griffin, because thats my new hobby I guess (we now have 3 Titanoboas, am proud of myself, but turns out they barely lay any eggs. Cycle closed however - and we have plenty of female Allosaurs ... yet (you need their eggs to make their preferred food). So ... eventually I saw one really low Level griffin - tried to escape, flying in circles - but the lag basically had the griffin constantly at my arse. Not that I couldn't escape eventually - but this is just generally so an issue. The way the game deals with Lag is ... honestly ridiculous. I would guess its a paradise for cheaters ... on the PC. That because ... so it seems ... your own position is determined by your own machine. So - if your machine struggles loading the scenery and thus struggles to update your position you end up being slower. (Sometimes it so happens, I guess, that while you're lagging out in the air the server applies 'fall speed' to you - some momentum - and thus you can basically zoom across half the map and land in the ocean, ... while riding on cat). Thus the griffin could always catch up so quickly. (Getting out of caves with Bats on your ass is another such thing. It takes some time to load ... and during that time the bats catch up, kill you and thats it). Except when the game decides to work differently and just warps you to some position you have been at just some time before. It so happened that I would walk out of a door around some corners and bam - find myself further back running against a wall.

By pointing these things out I get an angry "how else would you want to do it, have your position determined by server side?". Oh good point. I had it on another issue - but, this is one way of responding, though, ... the more likely it were for me to be totally on the 'yes of course!' side, the more likely it is for "him" to skip to a "you can forget about that right away!" type of motion. So, reason is entirely blocked out - and thats how this "perfection" is more like a mutated blob than ... 'divine saving grace'.

Strange thing: I feel - at those moments - like I got anything to say about it; But ... thats ridiculous! I would get money for that, ... right?

Well, criticizing Ark is easy, ... I guess. As easy as it is with Trump. And in the end we all kindof don't care because what can we accomplish? Individually? What we would like to see is less and lesser an option; That until 'they' can provide it - so, bad socialism again. Its not socialism ... its ... despotism. A system whereby good guys are made to systematically loose. Because being 'creative' here for instance doesn't mean that you have a vision - it means that you can follow someone else's directions. Yet still so far there is the occasional gem in all the rubbish. Like - anyone has ... amazon prime? Or Netflix? Does anyone actually care about all those exclusive shows they kindof vomited into their feed? Well, maybe I'm just too distanced here. But so it goes. I'm either on Netflix or Amazon Prime - because money - and so you watching your Netflix stuff ... is totally not interesting to me. Which to me means: "it has no face". Both - the exclusive Amazon stuff too.

I really liked 'the Tick' - wonder if that will see a second season! Well - I guess it was getting too stupid too fast.


But since I've mentioned that not so many people play Ark - and somehow tied that to a "well known" issue - I kindof feel like I got "him" open for some more "customer feedback". ... ... so. And now? Now I probably will stop writing about Ark for a while. Although ... I mean - I do find the game enjoyable for what it is, ... which is, ... the core idea. A Survival Game with tamable Dinosaurs in it. And because its 'online' and 'hosted' I can have my stuff there - shared with other people - and have it being somehow ... 'consistent'. A thing. Something that is "out there" - something I 'can't loose' - except, I can. If none of our tribe plays for ... what is it? 16? 17? Days ... everything gets torn down - and by the way - the Dinosaurs eventually starve after 1 week. "Anyway". Or 2. I don't know. Depends.

I guess thats something Jim Sterling pointed out by making a piece on why Ubisoft thinks games are a thing of the past - as so what Ubisoft points out by moving further down the "Lifetime value" road of thinking. The entire 'games as a service' idea. As what corporations are interested in. Ways to capture gamers in their "live services" to secure their wallet for themselves - as, the best way to deal with concurrence is to cut their revenue, ... right? So - concurrence is essentially horse-shit then? Ark so far prevented me from delving into the Horizon Zero Dawn expansion, ... being further interested in the Secret of Mana remake, ... took my time for playing Dark Souls 2, ... Dragons Dogma is currently discontinued (awesome game though) ... and also Monster Hunter. I feel like I'm in something I shouldn't be in - like I ignored a warning I shouldn't have ignored - but I don't feel like ... I should be somewhere else. So - its ... ... weird.

Back to the argument. Which is a thing about ... us referring to them as capitalists while in essence we should rather call them communists. And they have the assets to ... well, cater to our wishes. At least to some extent. Like - well. I ... once had an issue, ... round about the time where George Lucas sold Star Wars to dis-nay. I somehow wanted to say that all the people on the Internet are dumbasses that know jackshit - when it comes to Star Wars - until I realized that ... well, there's a point to that. The same point as why I couldn't clearly express myself. I was coming from a different angle. My angle was that of warning "whomever" from listening to "those people" that have no clue about Star Wars (which aren't the people on the Internet, but people who because of that listen to people on the Internet - sotosay). But thats how we got to 'the Last Jedi' - because under the line 'so many' said that they never really cared about the deeper meaning behind Star Wars. What even is the deeper meaning? And - it happens ever so often ever so quickly that when taking Star Wars seriously beyond a point, ... it kindof falls apart because its fiction. ANd this kindof means that it doesn't matter whether or not you express your opinion - because if its important that you don't you're only capable of talking nonsense anyhow!

Suggestively.

Which is I guess a bigger lesson to make. The 'do not worry (life is good)' one. Which holds true for even the shittiest of circumstances one could be in - I guess. Except for certain exceptions I guess. And why not? People have a right to be depressed? How could I not be?


I don't mind 'lifetime value' in games. Matter of fact - that is something I'm missing ... from my Childhood. That games could capture me for month - while now I'm in the lookout for new games ... basically every month. Must have something to do with growing up - or are the games just really that bad these days?
A lot comes into that.
Horizon for instance - I ... couldn't play that game as much as I had wanted to ... which is a good thing, ... for 'it' - in terms of "credible value" - to me. I would call it a classic. It also generally meets the/my "classic" criteria - which is: Free of online Bullshit. You can put it into an offline "economy" and it'd still be the same game.

Often enough I however find so that the real problem is me. Sortof. That I don't have the time or get the time - while with new stuff here and there there's ... no need, sometimes, for games to be "that good" - until there's a void of some sort. Time to contemplate, reflect - or play games ... with other people. Those 'silly' grind-games that are just good to pass the time. How to spend 30 minutes in Ark? What you need is two bases - on two different servers - and choose to take stuff from one base to the other. You'll get to the obelisk, and there you'll have to wait for the cooldown. Which generally is something between 10 and 30(+) minutes. If you wanna kill an entire day, ... just try to tame a high level "expensive" Dino with the 'standard foods'.
Well, keeping snails around is business too I've heard. Lots and lots of rare ingredients they need.

Objectively I/we just started playing that game ... so, 3 month have passed, ... which ... means what? I mean - ... is that too much time spent on one game? Maybe not. I mean - what'd I rather do? I guess there is plenty of stuff - maybe? The thing is that after 3 month - with help - we're still basically sitting there - as in the beginning. As LTTP.

Where, yea. This kind of game is something I guess I've wanted for a long time. Which may be the largest appeal of MMOs. That accomplishments are somewhat persistent and mean something within a real environment. Its not just you spending time alone in front of your TV/Computer. Which might sound like spitefully looking at games - but, ... I guess thats part of the ... thing.

What'd I want? When asking me that question I generally struggle for an answer because my lifetime situation isn't 'set' yet. I mean - its "set" as in ... 'bullshit' ... while somehow being, to my likes, close to an ideal/desirable one. I have plenty of time to spend for myself. But I'd be lying to myself if I told me that thats what I wanted. On the other end I struggle with the idea of partnership - worrying that I might just spend too much time on my own; "not valuing what I have". Which is another kind of bullshit I guess. One "argument" goes to tell me that I wouldn't have this freedom to indulge in video-games anymore ... and I kindof see that as a good thing. As ... one of my points that adds a point to this whole issue. If I had that extra bit of social engagement I wouldn't have the need for Videogames to fill 'that much void'. Thats just me - and that 'me' is generally interested in Single-player games. Bold: "If" "they" have so managed to get me off of those Videogames to somehow benefit of my emotional impact ... or intellectual conviction - they yet couldn't change me; And for wherever me is just me that self will prevail because it ... inherently ... has the flaws of individuality.

Whatever. Lets not overcomplicate stuff. But I do believe that this is a thing 'the enemy' also boasts to believe in. Sortof. Maybe more in a rebellious way; From which angle some would react to my statements as a weird "U-Turn" to cater to their ... stuff. Whatever. ANd to me 'their' take on it is nothing but a silly excuse! And yea - thats where we have different opinions. My version of 'being true to yourself' doesn't come without the efforts to truly change inside - obviously: The the desired degree/outcome. Which is: Redemption/Redeemable/Saved.

Which is also why I cannot have an intimate satisfaction from playing Ark - and where I would turn back to having stuff on my own computer, rather than in some 'cloud'. Here Ark reminds me of how 'insecure' this "Live Service" bullshit is, how volatile. And that shouldn't come as much of a surprise to anyone. We know it. Aside of a few "easter eggs" littered into the intro-"cutscene" and certain voice-messages - the entire progress of Destiny 1 was lost. All the money people spent on it ... gone! Well, they sortof kept the game alive, ... and that sortof led to Destiny 2 ... ... ... which, ... people don't like. I for myself ... I mean, I'm not feeling too differently. I've already had "this sucks" impressions while I was internally all hype-and-clear for it. The idea that all the grinding eventually amounts to lots and lots of duplicate items ... and nothing new ... that comes from a feeling. I mean, my take on it. My 'version'. And its true. But its just a tangible "produce" of something else. Something "deeper". Maybe. Well, being all hype-and-clear for it made the raid, well, somewhat acceptable. Though actually, looking at it from a distance, ... its really ... really stupid.
I feel like a guinee pig ... playing it. I can have fun with the mechanics while I'm immersed into controlling my Character - but thats the 'place' where you eventually loose ties to the Real World ... and you don't really see how deep into "it" you have fallen. And why would you? While its fun!?
But stuff is gone anyhow.
If you stop playing Ark - its all gone. Thats good, and bad. Its good because then you can move on; And bad because while you're in it, you can't move on!


There's now this issue. "What is wrong?". How did we get "here"? How are we now the people who argue against "him" - and are the bad guys who need to stop because "he's so good" or whatever. I would mainly suggest because ... of issues. Like ... differences.
Well, everyone told 'them' why they suck - and why they are awesome. So over time, sitting in and accumulating more power - all the criticism and praise for anyone in the world "ever" (well, obviously not really that much) accumulated into that ... "perfect" thing.

Amongst these 'differences' were 'one' that is really pivotal to everything. There is only 'one' God, ... and it isn't "him" (the Antichrist). So, the more 'faithful' you are the more of a religious issue it is - to you. So, ... he's the bad guy and however God is going to outsmart him he will be outsmarted - and thats that. Nothing wrong with that. On the other side its just a matter of principles. I believe in God and I wonder why every truth of his is being confounded. Actively denied. And such. But that doesn't help anything while he still holds all that power. Basically. TO him at least. There is no use in trying to tell him that he's wrong while he's convinced that he's winning. Or so. Or right. Or ... whatever.

But thats that. Like ... Rome vs. Christians. A story on its own. The Inquisition. "Stuff like that". Lets just put it that way: "If there is a group A that is legitimately put under a serious amount of stress by a group B, and now something bad happens to group B - how can group A not look positively at that event? But obviously group A are here the arrogant ones because ... reasons.

And what is arrogance? I have the feeling that this is one of those words that is getting properly misused. I mean, barely anyone uses it because the meaning has been confounded so much that arrogance turns out to be one of those words without meaning. Arrogance has no meaning anymore and it just means that if you can't call the other one arrogant with enough 'oomph' ... you're just wrong! Which means that everyone is arrogant once someone with enough "Charisma" calls it that way.

I get confounded in the words. Well, so I was flying across Ragnarok (in Ark) while I had this argument in my mind. But the words don't come in right. Well. But, struggling through my own confusion I eventually find better words to match what I mean. Arrogance is to impose your own ignorance onto others. Be that ignorance accidental or intentional. In the latter its seriously arrogant and in the former, well ... we can leave it at ignorance. ???

Anyhow ...

Maybe this just happens to be a ... thing. Like, we got called arrogant and now we're stuck trying to figure out ... how true that is. How ... much of an issue. And I get to it that the one time the argument makes sense; But when I then try to write it down I get a sense of, ... well, now it pretty much kindof seems like it applies on me - a sense of it I didn't get before. And now ... am I going to leave it there as such or am I deleting it? Pretend it never happened? I wouldn't even truly know which accusation to weigh how - and the more words get into the definition the more complicated the whole nonsense ends up getting. It seems. Its a struggle with self, but I can be happy with myself that I like this definition I came up with to a degree that makes me not care about how much it applies to stuff that I do!
It would have looked, for a moment, like I'm trying to make it a "not me" type of definition.

The point is that we all can overlook things. And while if such happened to "him" we've so far established that 'we' have a legitimate reason to laugh a little harder and louder about it - that shouldn't change the fact that we all happen to be guilty of it. The louder laughter also would somehow relate to the issue that "he's" really serious about being ... perfect and all that "not perfect" apologetic stuff. Which by the way is ... pivotal to 'them'. To have 'one' guy on top who pulls the strings; As some means to an order. An order that is going to be well and perfect when enough people can weigh in on its details. So, now you can see - the problem isn't the perfection, ... its the rotten source.
Leading to the problem that something thats really vile and dangerous in truth looks cute and cuddly on the surface.

Which is one "thing" I have with Videogames. Its 'one of those things' I 'know' I have "the answer" to in terms of 'yes or no' - while 'issues' generally take my thoughts somehow the other way. I mean - "structurally" I am someone that "stands" as opposed to gaming. ... How to ... . Well - this means that the flow of my thoughts generally takes me to places where I get to look at games negatively - and that also somehow accumulates something of a "mindset". So, emotionally - or "generally" - by the ways how my thoughts and feelings "align" - you might feel me as such, ... opposed to gaming. But that is just a part of my mind where the 'light' basically (typo: 'liht' - ... works, somehow ...) points into the other direction. So - the issue with that is that while I 'know' the direction I don't have the reasoning or argumentation to get there. And that maybe because the way my mind works is just incompatible with that "sort of thing" ... like ... the reasons for that being 'true' is much simpler ... in real talk.
While we can yet 'start' with all the propaganda against Videogames being fabricated bollocks!

I mean, "back in the days" it was as simple as turning the Console on or off. The SNES had a really nice switch ... clack - clack ... but nowadays you have to shut consoles down from a settings menu while else it'll just go to sleep. Bad I.T.. But there is no market for Good IT. Its a tremendous waste of time and money ... I guess. And eventually not even viable.

The point is that in my struggle about what I'd want - the case that I'd have less time for games doesn't concern me. Because of my mindset I'm anyhow flowing against it - so I'm glad to 'clack' - turn off the console to do other things; And later 'clack' turn it back on. No additional reasoning required. There has to be no talk about 'live services' or how Games are bad - about 'keeping vs. removing' them - things just got to go their way and accordingly will games somehow ... sink in.
The idea that 'we' (all of us) wouldn't talk about games and movies - and as such contribute to a future; And if only by "breeding" artists with newer mindsets. I mean - thats what I thought of myself before my failures became ... more of a feature of me than successes. That I know media - I enjoy it, I enjoy crafting it - I like stuff and found that many shared my taste - stuff like that. What were the few big things I liked during my Childhood/Youth? I can almost only name classics. Well, Zelda, Secret of Mana, Return to the Future, Star Wars, Star Trek, Dragonball, ... ... strange how there is so much else and those are the things ... still big today. I liked the Turtles, but because of restraints I'm not all that familiar with them and sortof they are ... somewhat irrelevant to me. Seems to be everyones opinion. And yea - we all like Spiderman ... I guess.
I so feel like I'm chosen to ... or 'was' ... to be one of the artists of tomorrow (well, today) - ... but ... I didn't make it. Because 'reasons'. Part of it is good, and part of that is ... horse-shit.


All the nonsense of the modern world did really drive me back into "Seventh Day Adventism" - sortof. Not converting me back from being a Mormon - thats not at all the case. More so that certain teachings of SDAs started to make sense, specifically the whole entire "the world is evil" narrative which makes SDAs somewhat ... inherently distracted 'from' the "real world" - to put it harshly. But the idea starts to look really sweet whence the alternative is ... this garbage we call 'world'. And while I was trying to explain why Videogames are good - I realized that I couldn't come up with arguments that convinced me in that mindset. It all just boils down to fun with the mechanics. Well, beyond all the other reasons I generally had; Like ... how interaction would make you smarter. There was a nice ("epic") TED talk by some Daphne something on Video Games and the Brain - which was overwhelmingly positive. But then there are those games that seem like they're intentionally going the other way. Like Destiny I guess ... where after some time you're just tired of all them mobs that you stop caring about whats on the screen and instead of trying to be conscious of your environment you basically just shoot what so happens to be either in front of you or in the way of some speedrun - while the limitted content (Strikes and Raid) make it so that eventually you'll learn where the obstacles are and navigate around them. There isn't any 'real' interaction anymore unless you play a respective amount of PvP. And the moment you step into trials you loose all passion for continuing to do so. While some feel like its ... rigged ... anyway.

Which is one huge problem of our current world. More and more gets gated through systems we only ever get to hear more and more scary things about! Comparatively "back in the day" we used to have LAN parties.

And while these things ... well, I ... I got to say that I feel like 'we' are "supposed to be" on the anti-tech side. Because we're boring Christians. But then, ... whats life supposed to be for a pragmatic like me? If I so learn that something can make my life more convenient 'because science' ... why ... on earth ... and in heavens ... ... ???


A similar issue can be observed in regards to the "public opinion" about God. Like - if I come around with talking of my God, ... what does it to you? Or - would it have done? "This God who works with Illusions and Co-incidence"? "Barely a threat!". Well - yea. Thats the one! But thats the same guy who can open the earth to swallow you - no matter how physically unreasonable that may appear to be!

The reason why we know God as this "pathetic" "looser" "who can't do anything" is because he for the most part doesn't do that stuff ... that would make us really ... scared. Like ... what if you saw your Boss getting swallowed by the carpet he's standing on because he was a douche? You'd ... say ... OK ... well, I better don't be a douche. And thats why many don't believe in God. Such things don't happen and barely anyone can really make sense of it. I guess ... thats how ... "this" is similar to Star Wars.


The force was never really a thing in the movies. It was there. It was a feature that some people had - ... while something else drove the story, made the action, ... and all that. So - everything that the Force is basically just exists in peoples minds - and thats why the Midichlorians got so much hate I guess. And thats also why the Mary Sue thing is such a big issue in Star Wars!

["Thank you, Thank you!"]

So it all comes down to the Author(s) "knowing" it ... the way everyone else does. But ... how can that happen once nobody has a clue?


But well - whenever this "why" issue pops up - the same thing happens. "IDK". But yet ... then in hindsight ... a lot has been written and said - actually - which all of a sudden is like not there and needs to be rehashed. Why? Well, #1 we can't change it - deal with it. The dealing with it helps us mature.
For instance. So - maturing issues. But more to the point are we exposed to each other - as we have the power to 'interfere'. Which is part of the maturation. "Etc.".


More on the "good old days": I ... suffered through it and eventually I also got used to it. Then, in Horizon Zero Dawn ... well ... I found a game that ... did it well. I would for instance argue, thinking of my own experiences, ... that interactive and non-interactive media helped me ... "get smart". Well - within the realm of what 'story driven content' can do. So, ... in RPGs ... knowing where I am, why I am there - where to go next. That was something I thought ... uh, taught to myself was good. So - requiring the player to 'interact' ... consciously ... with the media. Even if it was just a book. Or a comic. But in a Videogame you then can test your understanding ... as it will show you whether you guessed right or not. But that got gradually taken away by the Minimap. Although we here could blame GTA ... GTA is barely to blame. GTA is GTA - and thats that! We have to blame all those that implemented that into their games ... wrongly. When it comes to Horizon we're a few years later where ... well ... maps just got too damn huge to know where to go by some vague description. Where's "the Waterfall" in Hyrule? Well - easy! Where's "the Waterfall" in ... Horizon? Well - which one?
But its not like you're just following some bright arrow on the minimap. You have to actively use the 'real map' to find your way around.

And so I can't help but notice that the terms I've used to relate to games have somehow been changed from underneath my feet. Or ... our feet. We still think - maybe - of the 'classics' like Deus Ex ... while Deus Ex nowadays is ... barely like it. Gone are the days where the tactical side of X-Com was a tense engagement where every little time unit might matter. Today its more of a speedrunning game ... ...... and how dull must it have become whence the game devs thunked it a good idea to implement a turn limit?
I mean - did anyone of them ever legitimately play TFTD for instance and got through the ship?
How could we tell though who the "real" people are that know how X-Com should be? I mean - I don't care about whether or not casual gamers can now enjoy that game - ... ... - and well, yea. I can too - 'hehe' - for "so long".
(Invisible Inc. is a worthy alternative - although I think that its "poorly made", which is, ... I'm just disappointed that for being basically just a 2D game it sometimes ... feels like its 'too demanding' on the hardware. Weird!)

And "casualization" is something a lot of gamers 'generally' complain about. I mean - to put it straight, I guess, we have to acknowledge that every gamer, no matter how hardcore, is yet just a casual when it gets to other genres. So, there is a game I'm not really into because its too complex - in a way that isn't interesting to me - so I won't enjoy it. Make it more 'casual' and I might have fun with it. But - is that fun, I'm asking myself there - although I mean it as a statement to you, now really worth taking it away from its hardcore fanbase?

ANd so we get into issues with numbers. An argument I would counter by saying that the fanbase doesn't matter since the devs are those making those games; But that is not really an argument today anymore because ... well ... what are devs supposed to look at these days? Numbers!


And once the passion has been removed from arts ... what is it? A dead industry!


Another odd thing occurs when talking about skill. So, Metroid or especially Mega Man come to mind. For once its skill-based, but in the end it then comes down to memorizing patterns. The skill is still there - in the execution. Learning the patterns comes over time. But what now is the meaning of skill when you no longer actively respond to threats? Well - is that what happens? Not if you can't tell in which order the boss is executing its attacks. The better you know the game the more familiar you are with the bosses and hence your responses are respectively improved; But someone who can't play Mega Man and make it look really easy ... is still going to have a challenge, ... even getting to the final boss marathon. Which is ... ... something.

And these are the kind of discussions where I think the Antichrist is usually on the wrong end. At least thats how I see the markets evolution, or ... where "those with power" go. Somehow the "skill doesn't matter" argument gets thrown into some design process and the whole system then ends up being botched. On another note could we wonder about why stuff in Ark is so expensive to craft (so, compared to how much resources one can gather). ... (its "brilliant". It adds value to resources and increases game-time).


Well, maybe I'm having some silly conjecture there - but ... what can I do? I can't help it!


I've now long passed on a chance to segue into Star Wars. And I don't remember what the point was. On the other hand do I have another topic on mind that isn't really ... 'fitting' of this - and I'd ask: This or that? But - when it comes to Star Wars I have an issue that also touches on that other topic. It relates a bunch to 'clarity'. Or - whatever I got out of it. At some point I felt like I had to be more open and specific about a few things - another thing I wrote but didn't bring to an end yet - but mostly my issue here comes down to something I pretty much don't want to write about. Its possibly just in my mindset that those words ... they kindof hurt. But every once in a while I so get to write stuff that would fit the idea that I now have the time to produce things - until I meet my love and then no longer get around it because I'm gonna get raped until die. Something like that. ANd so is the Star Wars issue. Writing about it 'now' - as opposed to waiting for a chance to do whatever I'd try there effectively - gives me that feeling, ... like, ... you could compare it to the "Boss Breath" in the Original Zelda Game in the rooms leading into a Boss room. So, somewhat daunting, ... and not right.

And anyhow. If I'm not comfortable writing about something I just generally shouldn't think it a good idea to yet try!

But I was pressured to do so. Well, part of a lesson - maybe. And yea, if thats how it works for you - that makes the entire clarity thing meaningless. "Obviously". In reality I just give up on trying to explain it all. Which takes me to another issue.

"Words".

Moments where words are a nuisance. Its an issue that bothered me for some time but I couldn't quite formulate it. The strange feeling that on certain arguments I've had in my mind I felt my argument getting deconstructed by some kind of imbalance within the wording. Every once in a while I had to iterate on certain statements or totally avoid some - maybe I dropped a line to express some caution about my formulation. Most of the time there however is 'one' prime culprit who generally ... well ... is like a complete dumbass. I try to explain something and while I would think its easy enough to get understood I feel "him" breeding upon some word wondering about what it might mean. My primary reaction was to try and explain it. How I meant it. But whenever I did so - I realized I just shifted the problem into the next sentence. So eventually it occured to me that I maybe looked at it the wrong way. It isn't "him" not understanding, it is him trying not to understand it - and within a solid argument thus looking for the weakest word he could drag into ambiguity to so disassemble the integrity of my statements.

This happens most often when I write about my Clarity and get to statements that are to explain certain circumstances which I felt had been ambiguous. Things that are generally beyond - so I would assume that you had a hard time relating to my statements; So the "not understanding" bit ... made sense, by trying to so ... get yourself into the mindset or whatever. I mean, I can definitely see that being the case ... though in hindsight it strikes me as odd.


Which brings me to ... "Hi Mareike!". Well, she's a girl I know or "knew" - and I really had a good time with her. She's one of the few if not the only one who ever really challenged what I said. So - we'd be talking about stuff and I'd say something and she'd eventually be like "what do you mean?" - which then generally were things that I found difficult to respond to. Well, ... because I wasn't used to that. The concept of me expressing myself incomprehensively. Well, as pretty much all I ever experienced up until then was basically "from top down" (lecturing), denial and ignorance. Every once in a while spiced with a bit of ridicule.
Like - my boss at the time eventually thought that time dilation was a funny belief of mine.

Like so we can say: Yea, there are places where you're smarts count as stupidity.

And we can't always straighten things at place, point and time.

By which I mean to say that it was a positive experience. As, how often do you ask "what?" - get an unsatisfying answer - ask again - and get an equally silly answer until you just don't bother asking anymore?


I guess the main reason why the Antichrist won't succeed is because he underestimates the reality of the world we live in. I mean ... the quality of life that we are used to. What it means to us, how it matters to us - why we want to hold on to it - that stuff. And a map of the 2016 US Elections ... well ... they kindof tell the same story. In those places we would think are "connected to the world" we see mostly 'blue'. Well yea - to say - you really need to have lived under a rock to ... this might hurt (cognitive dissonance) a little ... for instance believe in the whole 3rd wave feminist bullshit. Like Black Panther being hyped up as the first black Superhero. I mean ... why do these people keep on saying such stuff?
Or is that just a smokescreen?
Well - there are other things. More serious stuff.

In my transition to becoming a woman I've now experienced a few things that I had not really expected. For once it is a lot more stress on me - to now ... handle it. I mean - its irrelevant. Its stress nonetheless while I'm really low on stress-tolerance already. Its a temporary thing and I can't quite digest it yet. All I'm saying is that ... there is stuff ... and its still not a one-snap heal for me. Anyhow - one thing I've felt is a certain 'angst' - a creepy feeling of discomfort ... which sortof makes me counter-react but that then takes me into an equally creepy, but yet strangely comfortable counter-stance. And this counter-stance is all about 'safety'. At the time it occured to me I was about to call it "the Truth of (3rd wave) feminism" - which was to conclude that no matter how much the Sarkeesians don't like the damsel in distress trope - thats what they impose as nonetheless. "We misrepresented and sexualized women - help!". Which makes Sarkeesians concept to her own game even more hilarious. So - where are those 'strong women' ... IRL? That aren't just whining "Mememe fefes"?

How that relates to blue states?

I'm not sure - but, based on a hunch I'd say that 3rd wave feminism is more popular where "dumb" people are. Red states have the "we're anyway misogynistic anti-blue assholes" kindof thing going - different section of the Universe that is - but yea, what remains are schools. And else? Where those dumb people lead the game. Like - I don't know what to make of it. This whole incident around Richard Dawkins getting deplatformed - as an example. On the other hand we have the Atari guy who came out and apologized - which however has him in a different position. Whats the point?
This ... feeling.

This feeling that gets me afraid of being a woman - a feeling that requires me to ask for safespaces. Well - an illusory demand that is! In the other way I by doing so create space where I would go - which is like a big fat invitation to everyone who ... previously didn't know where to look for vulnerable females!

Intellectually this feeling is nonsense!

But its ... strong.
Its carried by mass media where we have all those stories of women getting raped constantly ... despite all we 'actually' hear about are false or unsustainable accusations. We barely hear anything about the 'real' stuff. Which circumstances they occur in and all that. If its not a story we can draw a narrative aligned connection to ... who cares?

And all this encouragement to 'talk about it' ... I guess ... it makes sense. But if you're in the situation and you maybe tried to - you might soon learn that people don't quite actually give a damn about your words! And thats it!

But still the fear is sortof warranted. It only takes 'one' potential criminal that 'might' be lurking around the corner. But - if its just a simple crook that is out for your money while holding a gun - your gender and outfit is totally irrelevant! Well - how often does this and rape come together? Like "now that I robbed you I might as well rape you!". Sounds like something that might happen in a Hentai flick, but in reality? I guess not! THe robber would be stressed to gain as much distance ASAP - rather than risking to attract further attention. Like "of course" - let me drag you behind this conveniently placed heap of trash here so I can rape you! P).

Point is: We all eventually have a reason to be afraid! The odd thing about this feeling of insecurity is ... that it doesn't really 'mean' anything other than looking for that mystical 'safe space'. Or, to complain about how crooked this world is. I mean - thats where it starts. Then we hear about rape culture - and thats where this feeling kicks in. The fear to dress sexy because it feels ... like you're exposing yourself ... in an unsafe way. Which adds a conflict, eventually, because there is joy in ... dressing good. So - in the end, this mystical safe space is something I guess most of us, even crooks, are yearning for! I mean - in that place crooks had no reason to be crooks and hence they had no reason to be constantly afraid of getting caught by the police!

SO - in a sense, though I didn't quite "say" it, I argue that by looking for this safe-space you're 'actually' getting raped!
Because, what good would this safespace be if it meant that I couldn't have Sex anymore?!


Its convoluted - and while people actually have a case and point within that - ... there are people actively establishing the convoluted nonsense as straight. So - they have different issues on different frontiers that make sense in the context - but where it all comes together ... well ... it all falls apart!


I also find that this fear is extremely unwarranted. Thus ... I shifted it into this "we all have reasons to be afraid" category. Simply because generally, by walking around as a woman, I get 'nothing' from people that would make me anyhow ... afraid. Nervous maybe, but ... in a different way. I mean - there are those that look away, those that give me a stare of acknowledgment, ... those that try not to be offensive - and often enough I feel like people feel a little proud about ... acknowledging "me" - I mean, ... . The only folks that really stand out in a negative way are all the "Machos" - and ... I wouldn't expect differently from them. I mean - for once I don't think that its hard to see what my true biological gender is. And in that regard I'm pretty sure that I'm not the kind of person anyone of those would want to brag with in front of their friends. And I have zero ambitions to be anyhow upset about that. Like, does any street gang now need an alibi Tranny? Well, maybe!? Which is the other way. To not think of me there as a 'girl' but as a 'guy' - a 'friend' - ... but as that I know that I don't know them and hence have no business with them and hence I just don't care! And they don't care either! And I believe that this won't change until I'd try to rub my butt against one of them. Sotospeak.
By which I mean that my 'real life' me doesn't "get it".

ANd most of the stories about rape that I hear either deal with a lot of alcohol or the situation is ... not really all that street related. It happens at home ... and what happens there ... I mean ... yea, maybe I just don't know enough! I 'am' downplaying it maybe - and if I am ... sorry! I just don't see any clear evidence as to why I should do the opposite!

It shouldn't be us who bend over backwards just to give "them" some sense of security - it should be us being generally concerned about positively influencing our future. Where all that whining helps ... how? It tells us that we got to do something. "Duh!". Thats the whole premise forever and always. But yea - for all the fun that we can have about it - that some of the whining is really coming across as "urgent" ... well - isn't entirely irrelevant either. I mean - Trump is US president after all! The patriarchy couldn't have found a better representative ... sotospeak.
But Trump and 3rd wave feminism - they share similar goals. Censorship for instance.
Diminishing Videogames ... for whatever reason. Or ... rather ... turning them into "Live Services". Whatever that means!


Where, I would give those SJWs some credit for having accomplished some good things. Like - from that corner of myself where I actually do sympathize with the issues brought forward. That on one side is however ambushed for once by their own stupidity - and furthermore: Horizon was/is a pretty good game - except for here and there Aloy to me came across as a bit cringe-worthy because of certain dialogs that had "SJW Political Correctness" written all over it. "Too perfect" - in a sense. Its maybe just one conversation in the whole game, but still.


Well, in some way it all seems like a reboot of our past, just that this time idiots are in charge of everything.


And I play Ark! By which I mean: I'm german - I'm even somewhat proud of it - but looking at ... certain things I see on certain Ark servers ... I'm legitimately ashamed of being german. So, in Ark I am. In general its not an issue, but all it takes is one tribe that places its base 'around' an obelisk with Black-Red-Yellow everywhere and a Griffin named Adolf to ruin everything.
But I guess thats better than ... some ... what was his name? "Ultimate Illuminati" or something - who just casually placed a stone golem 'on' the Terminal at each Obelisk. Uhm ... so. What that means: Obelisks are places where you can upload and download dinosaurs (moving to another server) - as yourself. To do so you have to access the 'terminal'. Stone Golems can turn into stones ... and when placed 'on' the Terminal I can walk into them and approach the terminal, but I can't access it because the hit-detection thinks I'm pointing at the golem. (After I complained in the chat about it and asked what those people playing there did I was told that these beacons/loot-crates do the same things (They randomly spawn across the map)).

To say: I have no issue turning female 'and' not being an SJW/3rd-wave-feminist.


But its - still a tricky topic. I mean - there is this story that ReviewTechUSA covered - which was about a woman that yelled "Sexual Harassment" from having played a VR game. That because the game she was playing was a Online-Multiplayer game and some dude thought it was funny to "touch her crotch". And ReviewTechUSA gave his 5 cents on it which is basically ... the ... "first impression" type of response? "Sexual Harassment in a Video Game?!". At the time I was a bit opposed to his presentation - though being now in the same position to give my 5 cents on it; I too must acknowledge that it gets real in your head - like, you can get a similar feeling as in a free-fall tower by jumping from a really tall cliff in a Videogame. But on the other side you got to acknowledge that it is just in your head ... after all. Its a Video Game ... but what can you do to make him stop? To not be annoying? Well - isn't that the philosophers stone that MMO/Survival game devs are looking for? Maybe ask some LOL players about it too!

So, it just happens that from not trying to belittle those people, you actually get to belittle them even more! I mean - I can have as much empathy for that situation as it gets ... where does it end?

Once it gets clear that there is no practical value to this one side - it just turns out as hilarious. To some degree. A degree high enough to negate all empathy I had and further. Which then is a healthy reaction because it now actually deals with the real world. It ... seeks to 'perpetuate sanity'.
And if you took note, ... then one thing VR is going to be top at is ... some "Second Life" type of stuff. But ... "people don't want dirty games" ... right?

"of cooooooo~urse!"


Oh man, ... I hate censorship! I hate this meddling with what we're supposed to be OK with and what not! There are arguments to be had about what is OK and what not - but ... one silly thing when browsing for porn for instance is that typing in 'incest' doesn't generally yield any results anymore, but if you type in 'mom son' for instance you see plenty of 'not sons' that fuck 'not their mother' - or something like that. Which yea, is the more accurate set of terms to actually enter into the search bar ... if your interests are that specific. On the other hand is "Familienfick" a term that ... basically translates into incest but somehow it doesn't. Weird.

And so what if I'm into it? Its not that I'm actually thinking that about my own family - ... or "by the way".

"Double Standards". That was the word ... I meant to use instead of 'hypocrite' ... where I on the main-site wrote about certain things revolving around BDSM. And somehow there seems to be an issue with that part. But what issue? It can only be nonsense!


Like, if you don't like BDSM you're a Hypocrite? That would be the problem. That might be how it reads. Or if you're not inherently pro incest you're a bad person, ... because ... "reasons". And for anything other than flinging feces around ... we can't change stuff. Can we?

But who's flinging feces around? Talking about Hypocrites/Double Standards - ... yea who? For once this were an issue you'd have to solve with "them" that originated that statement. I can only add as much to that as I 'can' - and I 'can' see how for the most part these SJWs ... well ... aren't people I would generally trust. To any capacity. Let alone being free of bad habits.

Then I would like to argue that if you're in with them you're not thinking straight - and then you kindof ... deserved whatever disappointment you got coming your way!

Simple!

But the modern SJW is basically pro-everything. Even so 'free-speech' - for as long as criticism can be flagged as hate speech and subsequently removed due to that.


"Dear UN leaders. I received hate on the Internet, therefore I propose you to announce me to the worlds sovereign leader so I can do something against it!". ... daaamn ...


If you wanna touch the fire you got to handle the heat!

And I almost lost to this point I guess. This was the second attempt. Botched the first one. Got into it in a weird way.
Like so, what does the term 'Double Standard' imply here? People try to rid the Internet of "filthy porn" (on a porn website ... btw) - and other people find a way to circumvent that. Did we, miss the point already? Oh - yea, porn! We're so in the territory of you telling me what porn is OK. And check: Pregnant women getting gangbanged seems to be totally OK. Because ... why not?
Censoring incest though ... thats awfully specific. Has something of a ... 'religiously motivated vibe' to it. ... ... ... and so ... I'm not legitimately writing about Double Standards here?

But yea - thats one issue. Where on the other side where its 'you' that need to be ashamed for not being totally open-minded about everything ... thats a totally different thing. Don't get those twisted!

In the end I have to look really carefully to make sure I don't have any double standards - and I can't with confidence claim that I'm innocent. Thats also ... a thing left there. But why is this still a thing? I don't get it. I'm ... too far into it? I'm not seeing it as a problem but something ... tells me ... it is. Maybe yea, ... because I'm making one out of it. ... ?


Its that kind of "words" issue, somehow, at this point. The word is 'double standard' ... which ... seems to make no sense. Looking at the other side ... removing 'incest' from the pool maybe takes weight away from people getting too eager to find 'real' incest videos. Same with 'rape'. Though now you got to wonder how much 'real rape' is actually on camera that doesn't right away look like it or is just labeled as "getting fucked hard".

All I'm trying to say here though is that I hate it. And right away the counter-argument comes around claiming stuff along the lines of "where does it end"? Well, apparently it doesn't end with 'snuff'. It didn't even begin there. Maybe the problem just was that too many young folks were looking for such? I can get behind that!
But ... if I can get around it ... with my "old" 34 years ... I'm sure that some teenager can do that too!


It makes no sense and that sortof breaks my head.


I mean, I ... feel like so: The moment I get to heavily advocate for a removal of censorship someone is already in place to show you the worse stuff you can possibly imagine, asking you if thats something you want to be for. And in reality this is the same thing as with freedom of speech. But ... somehow rather the inverse of it. So - not the freedom of speech but the freedom of consumption. In terms of freedom of speech "these" folks would show you a bunch of Nazis openly hailing Hitler and speaking against "people of (non-white) african background" (because the term 'afro-american' is insulting to all the (still) native africans) - where you couldn't possibly have any other response but the desire to deny them that.
You might so try to find where and when they meet and have a counter demonstration - like: "KKK is a club of and for faggots!". "You suck!". "Whiney White Men looking for attention". Stuff like that. But who would coordinate that?

It might seem menacing, but I'm sure that in a direct comparison they are a really small minority - which is why SJWism works. Which has the side-effect of influencing folks towards the right. When - so - caring about what some Sargon of Akkad has to say for instance. "But no, I'm actually quite liberal!". The thing with the Duck I say.
I mean, what initially got me interested in his channel was a piece on 'Cults' he's done. I found it informative and enlightening. In hindsight however - not even that holds up. Or in other words he is a cult-leader himself that is aware of what a cult is - himself telling you how to think about a cult - so ... which redeems him ... I guess?


But I'm here not asking anyone to do anything to the Internet. I don't care whether or not Incest is an 'allowed' search term or not. Except - if we get more general. That kind of meddling is at the base already entirely ... 'dangerous' even. It goes to tell me ... "the truth" ... that what I get isn't 'real' anymore. Sotospeak. I type in 'incest' and get nothing. Which doesn't mean that nothing of that sort is there! Maybe its an Anti-SJW protection mechanism. So - some SJW would go, type in 'incest' and be utterly upset about it. Thats how I picture it going down.
OKOK - these words ultimately don't make for family friendly 'SFW' content. I'm sorry - but ... fuck, horseshit, bitch, whore, pussy, vagina, penis. "Your Anus". Everyone ... even as old as me is practically a child that grew up with Southpark. I was a teen, but still - it counts. Not everyone is into it - but still. Not everyone has seen it - but still. "Please". Or am I now actually being more 'crass' than Southpark?


And yea - that ... thing about those folks that have sex with animals ... that was ... krass. "Kill me!". And as someone who would say is a bit if not a lot zoophilic as well ... its ... "offensive"! Bad! Southpark must be stopped! Uh, ... because of crass queefing jokes! Err ... and such.

But yea, the point is that there is some stuff on a site ... but typing in certain terms it won't show me. So, taking YouPorn ... it tells me that it couldn't find what I was looking for. "We tried, we really did!". Yea, my ass you did! Or did everything with 'incest' in the title get actually removed? Seems so ... ... so - I'm wrong then?
So - what I'm learning from that is that being straight with the Internet is bad!

'It' ... isn't straight.


And it makes no sense at all. No ... apparent one at least.

Its not that I think that I'm morally superior - in first place its about stuff I know is there - stuff I want - of which I personally don't care whether it is real or not. I rather have it being played because it ends up being of something we could call quality. And for the most part I don't trust this world with my opinions - so - just saying. I guess ... I need some "skip to here" kindof ... re entry point? Because decency?
Which wouldn't solve the issue ... though.


I'm a "bad girl" - and to some extent I guess thats the more important part that I got to write about. Which, ... brings us back to ... the usual. So, to make it quick I cut right to the end and write this: When having worked on something, like having done some programming, ... or anything non-sexual, that I enjoyed ... I retain that joy and wonder about it in contrast to it eventually being taken away. It gets me sad ... or something. Depressed? Well ... sortof - while various things do ascertain me ... like a strong positively calm feeling ... that I don't have to worry. But this, as the other side to it - where I rather want those things to be taken from me - ultimately ends up being tied to my mood. And one disqualifies the other - it would seem, but the latter is more compelling and covers the wider range of my moods. Both aren't entirely 'explored' properly yet - and neither is the gender situation.

What I really want to be - is to really be true to the bad girl in me and be a strong advocate of the most perverted rules we could possibly find to fuck each other. Ish. Which isn't unopposed ... as for instance by whatsoever would like to do some programming every now and then. Neither of the two really occupies my "main rationale" - its both equally irrelevant ... in that sense.

If this premise of mine turns you on - you might be one of us. However - one thing aside: By being open about myself I don't mean to really attract anymore. Or to seduce, ... or ... such. I would say that anyone trying to emphasize that side of me, claiming that I do, ... is doing it wrong! Its the concepts though ... as from those you can relate to yourself. Independently.


And yea, with that on mind the whole Double Standards issue isn't really an issue because we know - basically - that this is part of a system that gets rid of double standards by acknowledging that we're not all in the same boat ... after all. And before I try to explain to "them" how that works again - ... I rather ... don't do that.


We live in a world of greed - so the title proclaims. The issue now is that greed however isn't really directly about the money anymore. Although ... that doesn't work unless whatever they replace the quest for money with isn't somehow tied into a money making scheme. What really matters the most nowadays is to shift consumer interest towards their schemes. Because ... if you look around ... well, maybe not, ... but the point is still that those companies that don't grow ... eventually vanish. Bigger corporations take over smaller ones ... and in this concurrence driven market it is really highly ambiguous to filter out just what is actually better than the other. I mean, if you're into Apple ... OK, ... but is that a conscious choice? Like - have you really tested out everything else? Most of us didn't - reflecting upon whatever our brands of choice were! So - concurrence once again is horse-shit with the one consequence being that we have to work harder and harder to sustain this nonsense!
And by 'we' I here mean 'us' (everyone) in general - although in the meanwhile some get to work less. What I mean by 'us in general' is tied to poverty. I'm not working - and I doubt I ever will. But I'm still influenced by the economy. If we only can buy shit food - we only can buy shit food - and thats that. The "downward" market is that of cheap labor - where - the ability to basically eat shit is ... perhaps even a selling point. To say: If your concurrence are people more desperate for work than you, ... you're the unlucky one.

So yea, it is this around which we might get to an argument about which side is better, smarter, wiser ... but the golden rule is: Where there is a will there is a way. We would fail at certain points eventually - anyway - what this means is that once we don't want to fail we'll try and fix it. Anyway. True for both sides.


And again and again - the last point remains ... whats the deal with Luciferianism? It ends up being there - an issue. Like whenever I get to mention it ... I feel like you/folks/people wanted the opposite and I can't help but double down on it. But how? Maybe the thing is that you're stuck in some "glitch" - well - that gives you the impression that you're supposed to change. Into that/such. I for my part got to the impression that I might enjoy my future more if I now would be forced into an opposing mindset. How did that turn out?

Well - it ended with me more and more 'connecting' to my male desires and finding it oddly confusing because I couldn't fully 'indulge' ... in what these desires aspired for. Fantasy-wise. In the meanwhile I found myself getting more and more comfortable with it - as eventually incapable of balancing that out. The ... natural imbalance that so occurs from wanting something you don't quite actually want that much - while being incapable to really enjoy what you really want to enjoy!
And thats saying as much that if you're a sick psycho that thinks he can't enjoy anything but being a sick psycho - there might be hope for you. If I try to distance myself from "such people" I generally mean it - while the issue of who ends up how on the other side is a totally separate issue; As I 'have to' consider that someone who now is a sick psycho might actually not be ... wanting to be on that side of things anymore. Similar to how I was pretty much ... the opposite to myself.

Which is something I guess can easily scare someone.

But this other side has always been there - thats why ... I ... actually ended up being as alright with it as ... those things ... "would require me to".

And yea - finally there is no place for 'sick psychos' in paradise. There are certain rules that ... well, basically - first of all - whats the usual 'relationship status' of a "sick psycho". I mean - being this average guy with dark secrets? Thats one thing. I can ... see how that isn't as much 'sick psycho' as it is ... 'circumstantially troubled'. Those people - I think - don't really mean any harm. But what do I know? I'm not supposed to be their judge! What matters is 'your' ambition - to either be good or bad. That there is such a thing as the realm of darkness - well - I guess it really doesn't help as much. Except to maybe add context to the issue of who/what we are ... or what we are 'not' by throwing in some curve-balls. Sotospeak. And I might just have been the first officially recognized Sex Slave!
The thing is that this place where you'd enter and have "all that" - that isn't what we ... well, ... I mean, thats what I would argue is the afterlife. In real life ... things are a bit different. In general though one who's into raping has to see that not everyone wants to be raped - and thats ... the big thing. ANd once someone is into rape it would happen by the grace of God that you'd get the same if not better highs ... as ... the lust that controls these things is all about ... from the rapists perspective ... the act ... which a 'welcoming' partner would only complement, ... . Even if this partner is your spouse that needs all the spousal attention. The more effort you'd put into it - the more entitled you were to rape ... "her". Or "rape" her. We'd omit the quotation marks on 'rape' because we'd think its still sortof real rape; Although entirely consensual as based on mutual desires.

As I still enjoy the idea ... of being food. I ... aspire it. I ... have a childish fancy for it.


But thats enough for now!



I don't careGeneral Stuff

Posted by Nicole Tue, January 30, 2018 07:21:19


[Rambling on the worth of Politics, Identity and Video Games/Experiences ... somehow ... a little]



Well, quite a variety of shit on my mind again; And I'm contemplating about how to phrase my concerns best, ... considering its worth - wondering about what matters. "Big Politics" might be the obvious trainwreck to tackle - but whats the point? The issue simply is that it feels like people nowadays were so fed up with nonsense left and right that they just stopped to care about 'news' - and Trump would have been the cream on top of that - the uber clown to turn even the last of those that payed any bit of attention off from giving a damn, ... but thats not really how it worked out. Right? Well - its tiring! Isn't it? Just get into it on YouTube and see Trump coverage left and right and ... if you ever stopped caring but chose to switch in a few days or so later ... you find yourself surprised that its yet getting worse and worse.

It seems like they're now trying hard ... fighting to cut our attention of whats important in this world so that they can hike back into the shadows ... . But wording this more general like: "People don't care about news anymore" - well, any uncareful wording would seem like a proper setup for failure. What is it that we got to be concerned about?

I however got to realize that I'm far less significant in all this, ... than I would think. Well ... it depends. But when it gets to how the crowds move ... I'm totally ... hmm. Underestimating my worth? Well, no! No matter how I estimate myself - people gots to be upset about Bullshit themselves. I mean, thats the point. I mean - that ... either you realize the Bullshit yourself or you'll never 'get' what the heck I'm "complaining" about.


For there certainly will be people in place to tell you just how stupid I could look when looking at it at a certain way, being provided with certain bits of information that don't seem like there is any space left for another view but if you just contemplate for a few moments you'll realize that thats bullshittery.


So, this topic is an odd one. And yet what concerns me right now are Video Games. Or ... "Monetization". Not much of a topic, just another pile of stinking garbage ... and for all the mental and emotional investment I've had into this subject - I simply stopped caring. Especially when it gets to these bloated "AAA" games ... I've never really cared about them anyway. Back in the days life was easier ... but now we have the Internet to start worrying about what we ourselves like and get a good dose of bias about what we're interested in.

But no, my main issue here is ... I don't know ... I guess ... what I consider "Antichristian Arts". Which ultimately however gets me to write in a bad manner "down" unto those that are hooked to it. I mean, 'cool stuff'. Cool stuff is cool ... right? We've had it here recently with Star Wars. Where ... The Last Jedi can be as "Star Warsy" as it gets ... filled with 'cool stuff' ... we eventually ... don't care about any of it.

Whats cool? In the end ... this is about Supremacy.

Playing Ark I came to wonder a lot about what I actually want. I figure that it takes a long time to get all those fertilized eggs I'll need for the Titanoboas, ... and eventually I'm just too fed up with all the repetitive shit to make some more ... and maybe I just feel like I have enough for now to get me 'one' ... to get started. I just figured that I spend a lot of time building, ... and nearing the end of whatever I've built I start to question the worth of it. Or ... why? I just sortof finished building out the perimeters of my own part of our Jurassic Park, ... and while I have some purpose for every "square" thought in ... well, ... I'm still conflicted about it. The main base is large and a lot of it isn't even used. But the goal is slowly taking shape. Once I have those ... boas ... I can relax and say "OK" - technically we're "Cat ready" and then I won't have trouble looking forward to "Boss Ready" Dinosaurs.

But all that aside ... I'm strongly conflicted regarding my own self-worth, ... in a way. While building there are those moments where I feel totally hype about how epic what I created is ... maybe ... and closer to the end thats the opposite. And so I'm bouncing back and forth between relatively high and relatively low "self worth" - which sortof kicks me straight into an identity crisis. One that I also felt in Destiny ... or Destiny 2. The issue there is that with Character customization you're sortof coming to a point where you want to express yourself in a way, ... and there is this strange thing I can't quite get a grasp of.
For what I can get a handle on the issue is like ... dress like a Badass and you get shot ... dress like a noob and you rock. Its not that simple, ... surely, ... but the same back and forth ... was going for me there. Its like ... there's a quest for true self-realization that just didn't go anywhere. And anyway ... from the sources I watch I've come to be informed about ... I mean, ... obviously "Character Customization" is a selling point. Its nice when its fun - but once money comes into play ... .

In Ark I can customize my armor too. And I don't care as much ... and have less trouble with just having some colors on the stuff I noticed I end up repairing rather than throwing away ... and if I loose it ... not much of a problem. Craft some new stuff, maybe paint it ... and done.

I am not perfectly happy with the Character I created, ... but comfortable. The Character creation isn't really sophisticated anyway, ... and so ... well, whatever!

ANd yea, at the very least does CC help a Multiplayer game in that people can look different from each other - but for some reason something inside me wants to make it a bigger deal than it possibly is.


I guess its the search for some kind of satisfaction ... that just isn't there.

//2018.01.30|05:01

...

I get to think: Maybe the problem is that I am confused about getting my ego damaged. Since ... most of the time I'm not searching for anything. I'm just ... enjoying or trying to enjoy. I play a little, get what I want ... am sortof happy - and then it usually starts. "Got to change this", "uhappy about that" - and sometimes these "dents" basically "damage" things I ... liked. Which is why I eventually ended up mentioning some paranoia about ... its in the MacGuffin stuff. But maybe its more sinister than that. Maybe nothing at all.

I just get to this 'damaged ego' thing because ... yea, well - how was that again? Its hard to tell, ... the confusion is within me and mostly I'm confused because it doesn't make sense. Its like I'm arbitrarily being punished for stuff I don't know anything about. So I'm trying to adapt ... and the end result is basically only that I'm thinking lesser about myself ... and that time and time again.

Its not that I'm not humble. I 'am' humble - but apparently not humble enough. ... Hard to figure out. This was just a flimsy example.

Maybe ... looking into Ark might help ... for I'm getting the same issues there as well. But how?

There is this "pusher" I was writing about ... and ... its basically the 'way' he is that triggers me. I think he's a nice guy, ... but judgments like that ... I would say are generally 'bland'. Whats a 'nice' guy? So I get to think of the story with my "dear" neighbor again. The "Toilet guy". So, he apologized some time after ... for a while I was worried he'd just get hyped up and upper in his anger. Well, he apologized, I apologized ... and there's the trouble. Now I'm basically saying that I'm somewhat OK with him being ... like he is. I was saying that he improved ... but still ... hairs in and around the sink?
Anyhow - its a sympathy trap. Is it good or bad? I mean - in this situation its a relief of some sort, ... but ... the situation is only somehow improved.

What concerns me are these 'psychological traps'. On the good side it helps those "awkward people" integrate, ... become accepted. On the "bad" side - its just that. Same words.

ANd how to value that? Its ... similar but more aggravating when the issue isn't 'objectively perceptive' ... but ... I mean, less 'material' but more 'intellectual'. "Intellectual Dirt" sotospeak. There are people you eventually start to "bend around". Saying, you're used to their bullshit and their ways of not acknowledging your criticism that you start to lie just in order to please them. Pretending that you agree with them sotospeak.


But yea, when talking of 'peoples ways' - I have to express some reservations. Once starting to look at people that way you may end up taking a pattern of personality into mind and putting it onto someone else just to see if it checks out. But you can also do the same to yourself and ... then should figure that this isn't something we should do.

But well. SO, this guy ... "the Pusher" ... he has a strange way of getting me triggered. So, recently the server on which we played was down and we was worried that it got shut down entirely. So we tried around starting anew until it eventually ended up being there again. By then we had somehow agreed already to try out another map, ... and so, since we've been back at our server ... things went sideways. He's totally up into moving to "the Center", ... I looked around that map and couldn't get happy with it. Its a paradise, for sure - but thats my problem. Its a "retirement map". Yet he consistently keeps on saying awesome here, awesome there - he's totally invested in it and I don't find myself there anytime soon. Couple to that that he can't install his own generator and fridge - calling on me to get that stuff done - and ... so ... whats the issue? I get angry, somehow swallow it, ... to what result?

At this point it happens to be so that my emotions are somehow synced up to his behavior. His hype for moving to the center is somehow shared with me. Whenever I spend some time there for whatever reason, unless he isn't around, I feel encouraged to stay. And thats perfectly normal I assume ... considering that these "empathic" thingies are more general, ... and just of his own amazement for the map. But while I took maybe 2 hours to look around and realize that this isn't my place to be - he spent hours and hours and only ended up getting more and more into it. In a sense to me that is a statement of just how much above everyone else I actually stand ... but ... that isn't in everything. I mean, I'm human. I got flaws. But maybe my flaws are still ... basically above everyone else. Though ... just so in the whole package. A flaw is a flaw. Once they've accomplished something I start to feel bad about my own progression. I feel little ... or rather, ... belittled. While just judging on my own ... I'm doing fine. I'm playing for a bit more than a month now, ... and my own tames, ... legit or not, ... imply an Argentavis that came out on 165 and a Stego at around the same. Or higher? Well, my Bronto came out at 192 or so. (The thing is that Dinos only gain 70 levels total, ... and here the thing is that each of them gets (got) over 200, which is something of a tier level. 300 is - I gather - what'd be getting towards Boss ready. So - I'm not 'there' - but for the time I've spent there I'm doing fine!

I've got a good amount of eggs, ... and 'can' ignore a bunch of Dinos that the others already have ... . But sometimes I feel like Teamplay is bad. Its a weird zone between being alone and being not alone. We help each other. Our resources somehow benefit us all, even if they basically just are 'one's. Damn I spend a lot of time just building!


Well, anyhow. "Going easy on him" is what I do. There are issues, and sometimes there are just those days where I'm just generally more salty. Those are the days where the building system "decides" (apparently) to be even more illogical than it already is ... . I mean, I kid you not! Been trying to replace a sloped wall with a normal one. Sometimes it goes, sometimes it doesn't. This day it just didn't, ... but eventually I moved up close, looked at it for a while, ... and then it worked.

Sure, assuming that there isn't anyone watching and trolling is more far fetched by now than the opposite!

And since when did pushing square take me up one folder?

Glitches?

Whatever!


Anyhow. Belittled. Its odd. On the one end there is the issue that they might stay out of the main base so there aren't any issues about who built what. On the other end nobody is using it - and so a huge chunk of that ... "slightly" lag-inducing base is basically useless and the rest of our perimeters are "littered" with other "slightly" lag-inducing structures.

So yea, this game has ways to really get me angry. I mean - getting into that ... there's a huge dump I got to take on it yet. To just get started - I can't figure out ... where the lag is coming from after I die ... when the game puts you to the 'map' where you can select a spawn point. Its a fucking 2D menu screen. Are it those animated hexagons? Hell. I mean it. Sometimes ... its just unresponsive for what feels like an eternity. The one time I counted ... approximately 20 seconds! From beginning to end this game just 'yells' "overcompensating for something". And don't talk badly about my tits there! THe thing is ... if even the "intro cinematic" for one of the companies involved doesn't entirely run smoothely, ... you maybe should reconsider ... whats feasible or not. You can there also "PC Master Race" me all the way you want - the game is ultimately built on the premise of "getting used to it". Because "epic".


Which takes me back to the start. Monetization. Ark is vastly 'free'. I mean - silly to say it, but, you buy it and then you have it. No hidden extra cost unless you want to spend some more for the expansions, ... to which there is no point until you have ... some resources at hand. I guess. I mean - I suppose its similar with "the Center" and "Ragnarok" ... two free maps that you can't easily settle on unless you already have some strong Animals to help you out.

And yea, I assume that the game is "perfect" - saying that there are excuses for everything. The building system is totally aggravating ... but I suppose it adds "charm" to the buildings. Or lag. Lag that ultimately forces you to build differently - and whether that is good or bad for ones creativity ... well ... is possibly ... a matter of opinion.


But yea, I got to think of how EA sells their games. Its similar - and yea, its the "Graphics vs Gameplay" discussion. Well - Minecraft succeeded because ... err ... Graphics? And no clone with whatever better graphics was able to get even near it - and I'd argue thats because the improved graphics lessened the ... well, ... playability. Modern graphics systems are however a bit different. Stuff can (in theory) be done 'parallel' to other stuff, ... so, you can do whatever minecraft can do while the graphics would be basically a separate system. Its amazing what "these things" (Machines, Consoles, Computters, ...) can do nowadays. But ... it seems like people got somehow high on that. Having no sense of ... keeping it real. "Moderate" isn't in the dictionary.

But that is only a tiny fragment of the whole issue. Or ... the coating?

I got to think about Anthem. The trailer and images are ... stunning. "Awe Inducing". But thats ... well ... something I'm ... allergic against. So - it doesn't do anything for me. Except that I feel this "Awe Inducing" ... and hear people gush about it. To me its already a fail - and that was before any of the Loot Box issues came up. I mean - some of us would say they saw it coming and so there aren't any big surprises there - except maybe that this issue has become viral.
"Finally".

Although, I guess its generally something to be acknowledged with care. The more hype there is, well, the more is solely based on emotion. Period. But yea, ... emotions are at the base of reason.

Or something like that.

So, there is this scene where ... I assume its "the Player" ... walks through this tent city with this huge robot walking by before this ... edgy looking guy starts to talk with you. And I can't shake the feeling that this is supposed to be what makes the game awesome. The rest is just "OOoh, look - flying through grand open area" ... and thats it. My problem with this stuff is that there isn't any real purpose to it. I got an epic feeling of flying through a grand open era on the SNES already ... playing Secret of Mana. At this point a lot of the presentation isn't worth the gameplay attached to it. It only drags it down. Period.


(And if you don't understand what gameplay is ... .... ....... ........ no .............. I'm speechless!)


But yea. I would say that this "Anthem Trailer" grade of effort would make for a great movie or "Interactive Story" - the Technical Capabilities are there - but ... the "downside" to it is that I've seen it already ... and I don't feel like paying 70+ euros to see any more of it! Or even feel remotely interested into paying anything on top of what I would have to pay for the "base" package.

Here's an idea: Sell games in style of modern loot drops. Grey, Blue, Purple, Yellow and whatever else suits your fancy. Not that its a good idea! Its just an idea!


But what is all this anyway? Aren't there those that'd say that these things are "of the world" ... not meant to last. That ... looking at the failures of the industry ... all we ever 'can' do 'here' is merely a shadow of what we 'can' do in the 'afterlife'. But ... what does that even say? So - we're here 'now' - and got to wait until 'then' to have anything cool?

"Thats not ..." I know I know ... I'm sure! Its not what you said or meant ... but that being distracted by those things is bad. Yea, thats how this thing here started ... if you still remember. The other issue however is that it would seem like ... some people are enlightened and end up doing really well - and others that aren't would still seem to think that they're kindof balling in the same league. So, what'd someone like that do? Focus entirely on graphical power? What does that accomplish? Or tell? That you can swing the whip harder?

That is this background argument we're not having in Ark. Who does what, who contributes what, ... and why is my Metal disappearing? Now that I'm stacking them Ks, ... K, ... I can 'deal' with the loss of the contents of one ... smelting thingy, ... (400 or 450) ..., ... and apparently it happens that stuff just glitches away. So that. But the part of me that tries to make sense of it without considering that is ... as mentioned ... worrying to end up as a slave. That all I'd do is farm metal for someone else's enjoyment. That I got to be grateful for having been 'beaten' to the grind so we could now have this Lag-fest of a base.


Well, I make it sound worse than it is ... but ... just coz I allowed myself to get dragged along and partake of the joy that it brought, ... doesn't say that there wouldn't be a better way. Maybe not so ... huge, ... but ... huge, ... thats what the three of us are looking for I guess.

Min-Maxing. One Mins, One Maxes, ... and the other one plays in-between.


And I guess thats the important thing done here. Why Video Games are on top of my "to write about" list. It is the thing of all this stinking heap of bullshit that ... well, ... is only such from certain perspectives. Its one thing that gives me joy, ... or a life, ..., ... good games are fun ... they can help people through dark times, ... such and such etc.. But moreover ... its art. Its a thing some of us do for fun - and as of that Video Games are an inevitable consequence. ...


...

The inner MomentumFundamental/Empirical

Posted by Nicole Thu, January 25, 2018 16:38:03



[stuff about Clarity, Law, Freedom and Individuality, Religion and Order, ... privileges, marriage, ... and Sin]



"They say, that what we propose is a means of escapism" - or something like that - is written in one of them books where I got that Unification stuff from. It sounds like what any other sect/cult would tell its followers about its teachings, providing something of a refuge for the irritated individual. And well - nothing is going to change 'that way' when entering the true Religion; And why? Because it are those principalities of existence we prolong that eventually make us want to stay. Its like family. By such superficial arguments, families are cults. Who would deny that?

So, when entering the big family of God, what would be different? The issue with this "real world" and "real life" thing is - escapism. We would try to deny it. The bible tells us that Jesus came to bring the sword, to part family members from each other. So we would go and seek to keep contact to our family members "because" - yet we traverse the world on our own, seeking as much distance from them as genuinely possible. Some there have a closer attachment to their parents than others.
Even incestuous ones.

I cannot tell or claim that such exists outside of fantasy, ... but I've ... read stories. Apparently it happens. And apparently those situations that would seem that they could only happen in fiction, ... do actually exist here and there. But maybe usually less pretty than an artist might envision. Either that is how it is, ... or it is just so in the Media. Who knows?


Of course press is biased either way. It tells the stories - and woe the public opinion finds distaste in the positions these take.


So would incest seem to be the direct opposite to what Jesus claims there in the Bible. But that also only ... from certain perspectives. I mean, the issue is that we all have something of an attachment to our parents. In one way or another, ... family is family. So - OK - good, I have my new one now. Apparently. Though - apparently not. First of all, choosing God to be my father is an ideological choice - based on the or some ideals of idealizing God in His/"its" fatherhood. #TheCreator. But also so within the Bible God is endeared to us as Father, ... and when getting beyond the strictness of His, ... that is when taking the reasons for Him to be strict/"grim"(harsh, rough, angry, ...), then there is God as God is within which there is a Father aspect that is quite pleasant.
It is through this invisible hand that I learned ... of the ways, or some of the ways, of this world.
So in a manner that truly shines out from beyond. As anyone would ... well, maybe its a thing, ... easily explain stories about God through natural means. Its ... "in there". Like in the Matrix thing, ... cosmic flow issues.

First it was the Matrix for me, then it was Joe, ... then I tried calling it Cosmic Flows, ... while Cosmic Convergeances would make more sense, but ... that term would also cover a lot more than just that.
Same could be said with Flows, ... but whatever.
"Matrix thingies"?

So I would be delusional, or ... somewhat, ... overzealously interpreting stuff into stuff.

Well - I got a mindburn from some weed now. But ... thats part of the story I was going to tell here.


We introduced escapism and implied that within it, we find a lot of what we actually want. Or may want. It was issued that we yet seek to escape, ... seeking ... the distant. This is a cultural paradigm, ... in that "back in the days" families had greater value. Its so that from within the roots, ... traditions would be kept within families. Father does this, Son does the same. There so is that issue of privilege. If your dad had something built up, it is of privilege to be able to work and learn there. From that would come a higher standard which 'ordinary peasants' could not have.

Nowadays however these boundaries do not exist anymore. Through our educational system we can all have free access to information of centuries and that in a wide variety of subjects. You don't need to be the son of a biologist to ever learn about biology. Fiction only adds to that in that it sparks/sparked our imaginations for what there might be.

Whether 20.000 miles under the ocean now inspired explorers or just movie makers, ... well ... who cares?
Might be interesting.


So we're in this society where the bonds of family loose meaning. Actively so, probably. The "old generation" is that which has come forth from those ancient roots. I however remember my Gramps (no longer alive) who used to take us to Bohemia for hollidays once or twice showed us his old 'home'. It was a hat in the middle of the woods, or ... what remained of it. Just a few barely recognizable walls.

He told us stories about eating his first Banana. I though barely remember any detail of any of it. But the gist of it is that civilization was a bit off. Out of the way. He had to walk through school essentially on pathways through the wilderness. I don't know how wild ... but well, ... it was family. Quite a few live here in the area. Also part of my granmas. Which is ... as after the war ... my Gramps eventually however ended up nearby, ... and two of his brothers live around here too. So - of course families would look for each other. Gather in camps - and from there on out it was living on food-stamps for a while.

Well - according to him, for those whom it matters, the sentiment after the war - or starting with the loss at the front of russia - the sentiment amongst the soldiers began to shift and in prison camps ... jokes about Hitler were ... certainly a thing.

What changed?

Maybe its wealth. Overpopulation even. So, the more people there are, the more work can be done. Businesses grow - and a lot of business just revolves around money. There is no resource other than that - as - what is bureaucracy? And ideologistic complex of nonsense, just there to ... keep us busy. It seems.


When we're dealing with Incest however - we got to ask ourselves the question: Is it rape? I don't mean to ask: Is incest Rape? I meant to wonder: Is "that particular" case of Incest rape?


So, that is in about the goodest angle on the topic of clarity I found so far. To start off by asking the question: "What about Incest?". Which - I would assume in this case - you would want to ask me at some point, ... had I mentioned nothing of that sort. Now, how to take a proper apostolic position to this? Can I tell? Well - I didn't learn anything from any apostles. And if I did, I didn't know they were that. Maybe I assumed something of the sort ... or 'somehow knew' ... but ... got it?

Anyway, ... it has been a personal issue of mine. I wondered. So, because after Christ left the Apostles there, ... they were left on their own and much of the Bible itself is ... well, even just on behalf of them. They didn't create the New Testament themselves. The new Testament is a report from others - so, as a letter that: "This is what happened and I have come to the belief that it is true". Does tell.

So, whatever 'Christian Knowledge' there is - we got to wonder. Where is it? Or, where has it come from? How is the duty of an Apostle? They were asked to go out and preach, yet apparently left clueless about what to do or say. Until ... enlightenment came to them, ... or something.


We learn from the Bible that the Law is naught, but not naught. "Not a yota will be taken from it". So, the law is valid - but then, whats all that Sacrifice "nonsense" about? We got to wonder. Some would have an answer that sucks, other would think they know it better. That seems to be the case there. So - I got to 'ask' as there is no unity about it - it seems.
And that is the issue.
What would an Apostle tell?
And why? Or how?

How are we supposed to know anything???


So - I wondered, totally different subject, about this Force thing, ... within the Ninefold - ... how it works, or ... how to describe it when inevitably I have to. I would usually describe as something ... 'beyond'. Something ... that isn't in the Eightfold. Its ... that way hard to actually tell ... in which way it is different because ... it just is different.
It occured to me from time to time that people were wondering, or might wonder, ... suggesting that in some way it has to be comprehensive within a form. Which Form does the absolute and infinite take though?

The one thing I would say now is that it seems that it is the 'knowledge' itself that takes 'phase' with infinity, 'reflecting' of infinity its own intimacy about a thing, ... thus adding a certain 'shine' to what is "rendered to us" within the spectrum of limitations.


We could take this in a naturalistic way, ... but should not forget that God can also ... think for Himself. Thus, the matter here is the spiritual aspect of it. As we have emotions, those are based on spiritual capabilities - things the spirit can do. Therefore God can. The issue is that ... speaking. So, God can generate these "fields" of information that is dear to God, coming in form of a message to us. It to me makes however most sense when speaking of a sacred relationship between two people - which God holds dearly and thus it reflects to us as truth. In this there is also the harsh contrast between the soft and the hard. On the soft end we can find God dearly caring about a given relationship, though on the other we must face the hard facts "of legality" - whereby this endearing care is effectively to happen on the infinite scale, on the absolute plane. So - which is where Unification happens as how it happens. We get to grow familiar with the infinite - realizing just how far ahead of us it is - how small we are in comparison - which is why we "give it to Him" - though we rather must say that there is nothing we could give Him.

Suggesting that there is space for negotiation is suggesting that God didn't think of all possible concerns already, ... and how do I know that again?
It was however ... time to return to the topic of clarity.


The argument against any claim that would open up for sexual possibilities ... would most basically be stuff around it "leading to no good". So we can therefrom derive the "prime issue", which is 'the worse case scenario' - basically - of that 'no good'.

I would have fortified my argument by claiming that there are safeguards in place, for He who gives us those passions to go forward also takes them away. They come and go. Which is then where we had an argument about what is and what isn't - inside and outside of the Ninefold.

So, to the mind burn//weed burn.

I realize that I must stop. But ... this is a very complicated issue when analyzed in depth. On one simple line however the case is that I'm now getting a sense for that which not smoking it would improve. The case so far has usually been that whenever I had anything, I generally had some excuse to yet do it - or was otherwise encouraged to not be too troubled about it.
Now is weekend - so its fine. The start into the week was botched anyway - so its fine. Ah, the day is as good as over - so its fine. Oh, what a pleasant morning - how could I not?

Thats the inner Momentum there. But - in another subject, my inner Momentum is still in 'defensive argumentation' when it gets to my gender journey. I mean to argue in defense of my own, against some inner voice of oppression. So, seeing that I can try to change it.

And that is where the inner Momentum is ... what matters the most. It is the means by which we come to develop a sense for who or what we are. Our mistakes and accomplishments that define us ... that 'describe' us as individual from the void.

The inner momentum is our own presence as fortified through its past. Our concerns that either vanish or grow. Curiosities, interests, ... all that.

And so I generally used to tell me that I must stop smoking weed - at least, every now and then when I felt like I was just too busy being high. Or whatever. Something ... a sense of not getting to do anything or wasting it while playing Video Games. IDK. The issue is that with whatever good intentions I started into a week - a) the experience of doing it wasn't grown strong enough, but b) with nothing being on or the idea of being done in no time was enough for me to skip it. Well - in my own Momentum of basically sitting down in my chair and thinking about what I could do from there.
Now I do have weed - and now I'm entering a time where I know I shouldn't be heading into ... too high. And however the end of that ... the issue is that there is growth.


...//2018.01.21|0346
...//2018.01.24|1135


Did I mention that the 'I must stop' shouldn't mean that I truly believe that I absolutely have to abstain from it? I don't believe that. The conflict at the core is that of getting some order into it. Some sense of a structure. So, ... as to change the Momentum.

Those times where I wanted to ... well, thought I should stop - those would then translate into moments where I shouldn't have that issue, so, by not smoking too much in the time ahead of those. So - I have to observe more critically when and when not to. Where the issue is that most of the time I don't have a reason not to.

I bring this up because it would be brought up. Regarding ... self-control. I however don't say that self-control is the issue. Or an issue. I don't believe that my weed-smoking habits are the/a problem. Either. Times where I should lay low a little are basically tied into stuff I got to do in this world. And ... other issues I haven't gotten into yet.


Now, what I get as "a reasonable stance" - so you - were that of demanding some ... abstinence. That we all so agree to stop doing certain things and all will be dandy. But do you think that this time its gonna be more than every new year? This time it'll work? We all just got to believe hard enough ... ... and this time we have a real reason and motivation!

I mean, thats sortof my issue with weed. To abstain for some reason of soberness to interact with certain people or entities I have to interact with for some reason. To maybe get my room tidied up, ... or whatever. To just be clean ... ? Well, thats where it goes too far for me!

And thats just me - sortof. I like to smoke weed. If you make it a problem, ... thats your doing!

Well ... how is that?


What are we saying? Going by the Word of Wisdom: Every herb is good! That it be used in right measure. And so I wonder what the right measure of weed is. And so the question is what the right measure of anything is.


So - how can I concoct an answer to the super-imposed question? We can quote the Bible and get into an argument about the core principles of the Gospel. Not a yota vs but the Law. "We can't expect order from enforcing no rules" vs. "The law is written into our Hearts".

Its an issue when wrought out by people of different faith - what can we expect? Eventually the one as the other will have to either change their fundamental beliefs or reject to change their minds. As there is a group which 'can' claim the latter argument, that the law is written into our Hearts, ... and here the argument ... is ... "crazy". ... uh, 'crazed'. In a given setup of powers the powerful unbeliever wants a satisfying answer from the believers which only have an answer that is rooted in their faith, a faith the unbeliever has no part in. So either the believers bow to a compromise or they find a way to have it their way.

Yet so asking for what is 'right' within that realm of holy alliance with the Most High, ... the answer cannot be one that doesn't imply God to some extent. And the conflict washes up as ... well ... Gods part could be that of pronouncing a Law we could then give to the Unbelievers to sortof have it that way, ... but the Law written into our Hearts ... well, what is it like or about? Is it the same for all of us?

Short answer is 'no' - and the long answer revolves around it not working like that! It shouldn't be thought of as a written codex, ... a universal truth for everybody. Thats what we have or would say is on the 'mortal end'. Where we need some written doctrine to regulate between rights and wrongs. But there's an example of that in the Bible. In the Tabernacle - as given to the Israelites during their exodus - there used to be a Table with sacred Breads. They were not supposed to be eaten. One day however David was fleeing - and passed by the Tabernacle and took those Breads. Now, ... my Memory is flawed about it - but I think that story is later then referenced by Christ ... and not in a way that condemns David.
Its like the Breads were there just for David to have them.

So there is the written Law, an order, ... but the ways of life on the other end - which is why we generally say that there is an exception to every rule.
Thats a good way to start ... but ... not really enough.

The Law that is written into our Hearts isn't a flashy inscription we could read ... easily. I have to learn of myself and Gods correspondence to that. And therein - within my own individually - where I have those fundamental agreements with the divine - thats where I can start speaking of a Law thats written into my heart. Its totally different from ... "etiquette". I think thats what Mormons would refer to as 'the Light of Christ'.

And what is that Law about? I got to ... well, you got to squint a little to see it ... "sotosay" I think. I got to emphasize a bit more just how much this 'individuality' thing 'mixed' with "Gods confirm-ment" ... is the thing thats really to be seen here.
Its there where 'you' know ... straight from God ... what is 'fair' about you. And yea, many 'outside' may have an issue with that this part is entirely ... "up to the individual" ... sotosay. Like ... I could make up something. Whatever. But if you just take a few steps around that issue, ... you can see it from the more objective ... 'present direction' within it - that the individual rule that God establishes within the individual will start/continue to be(come) present ... and that all on its own. You could say that it just happens to be individuality. No need for any legal terms there. Now the issue with the 'stance against a universal codex' is that of criminality of course. Saying that we have a Law is to create criminality. (Letter to the Romans). Saying that we don't have/want one, is to say that some of us "would be" criminals.

Thats the whole point. To make a law that is perfectly fair - we now would have to go and equate things to each other. So - I do what some consider criminal. I smoke pot. Now I could go and say "OK, I'll stop it" - but at that moment "Divine Righteousness" would have to come in and demand from those that demand me to stop a similar sacrifice. That doesn't mean that they can squiggle themselves out by saying that they just don't do pot. As for me - who I am and what I do, ... what I'm passionate about, good at, etc. - weed has a certain significance. And through this a synergy unfolds ... where how I manage it now ... is the issue?
Well, yea - but not entirely.
The point is that from those few aspects where weed ties in well, the ties to the weed allow the weed to tie into things that maybe don't benefit from it all that well. But how would we know about all that? Social ignorance however ... wouldn't be beneficial to it.
On the other end is the more simple thing - that on a crude basis there are the ways in which it benefits me - while I don't do anyone harm; So - as of which there is this simple good vs. evil angle of me just living my life. Not hurting anyone, not meaning anyone harm, just minding my own business. Which is why the demand on me to give it up is basically without foundation. It isn't 'right' or 'righteous' ... and while I'm innocent your judgment of me renders you guilty where the proper punishment would be that you had to give something up that is significant to you.

Now, there is not a lot to be 'known' here. This just makes sense, and thats how ... my mind works. I mean ... I learned to draw certain conclusions that come in certain ways by some ... 'force' ... . There is a meaning provided to me that I just can't deny. And despite having it I don't think I am incapacitated from looking around and understanding contradicting points of views. Within these 'forced conclusions' there is a clear sense of direction which harmonically aligns around the schemings of a true and perfect God.

Well ... perfection ... what is it?

Asking one of us to be perfect however, is asking us to become robots that have autonomous responses to each and every possibly even just slightly politically/ethically weighted issue ... period. That on the slightest hint of an iniquity we would react with "proper force" to repel it and put it into its boundaries.


What it means to me - by some spontaneous measure - to have a submissive clarity is that for once dominance becomes possible. But also do I feel the "those that exalt themselves shall be ... err ... "humiliated?" - and those that humble themselves shall be exalted" bit in a ... strange way. Submissiveness is in part of my being - thats just a thing. Thus it blends into sub:dom/dom:sub oriented society - however does that also always impose the questions of wealth. So there must be some compensation for the submissiveness. So the individual isn't punished just for being ... how it is.
Further though is it in deed so that on the other side its monkey business. Saying that I through my being blend into a given society, the same is true for everyone in it. So, we all there have that inner synergy with ourselves - in that theoretical environment. So, an immediate reward - in some sense - were it not for given social pressures and tensions ... that so come with hierarchy.

So, on one scheme we can draw an axis as a mirror axis and see two sides, the dominant and the submissive, unfold as neutral in their measured worth. The submissive person is in better harmony with itself when in the submissive, ... while the dominant is in better harmony with itself when in the dominant. When we get to talk about weed - the issue is similar - where now either the pothead imposes the pot, or the "lawhead" imposes the law. When however talking of communities whereof we can think of "sufficient distance" is a more lightheaded way - it is clear that the one is invading the other, ... in whatever which way now.

Those are however struggles that emerge ... between now sacred grounds. Thats the big difference ... where now comparisons to 'criminal environments' ... fail, logistically. What comes first is the sacred ground - so, Gods "warranty" in a sense, of him saying: "This is you and I'm fine with it!". When you then go and build a legal structure around it, it must not contradict to it.


What we then however get in-between those grounds ... that is where a recognition of what these grounds are happens to become important. That so that once we want to impose something such as a middle ground, there are always those closer to it than others - and that ... is an issue to balance. So, these grounds also first have to ... be ... a thing. Otherwise I can only speak for myself - and there are those places where I experience my 'submissive harmony' - from my own situational perspective which then also comes with sufferings and satisfactions ... without anyone around me to basically 'stabilize my equilibrium'.

So yea - basically this all is just theory, but basically ... already is spelled as jurisdiction. Recognizing true human nature will help us craft a jurisdiction that is fundamentally bound to its interest. Err ... know what I mean? So to realize the inevitability of individuality can become a thing - where then, well, 'duh', ... we have to become more specific. But with individuality being a right, ... school systems would have to change to accommodate for the individuals best interest. And the jurisdiction here rather says that those things have to be in place, rather than what must and mustn't. Err ... yea, ... sortof.

The way I figured this out is less by reason, but more by how the thoughts were tainted. Or how they would and wouldn't snap to each other.
And that somehow is a skill similar to talking.

"Understanding"

How the mind moves and juggles with thoughts - to generate something from the sense or meaning of a thing.

Which comes in two "forms/ways". The Light of Understanding involves the Aeons of Wisdom, Peace and Perfection. The Light of Level-Headedness involves Image, Love and 'Understanding'. These two Lights appear a lot in tandem with the term 'Pistis Sophia' - which as by descriptions is about the deeper rationality behind their contextual drive with each other. In comparison the Lights of Mercy and Perception are in perception different. Mercy is the thing that is perceived while Perception is the thing that is perceiving. We can describe them as interwoven from where we can derive the suggestion of a similar situation between Understanding and Levelheadedness.

How the mind moves and judggles with thoughts may also seem to at first involve Wisdom. Perfection being the intention that comes from the peace within Understanding ... does what? It applies Image, Love and Understanding to generate a thought integrated to a given 'sense' or Wisdom. Wisdom then however is the Form we perceive within a constellation of words for instance. These constellations enter perception and beget meaning, where we by our desire can similarly generate constellations ... 'pre-perceived'.

Involving God into our cognitive processes adds that these emergences can get properties of divine intelligence, ... thus reacting in ways to each other that behave in accordance to a higher wisdom.


So there are concepts I come up with that are aimed at getting it right, but end up being wrong to some extent whereby I then go and re-arrange things until they fit together ... a bit better. Sometimes there's still some ... shivers of discomfort, ... but getting that right would be a whole different magnitude of things.

Like, from sea to space travel.


So is there however a "fantasy world" - which in the sense truest to the term emerges from the individuals contemporary "composure" as abstraction from the 'hard facts'. Which are or can be ... "fractals" in and of themselves.

But while all that is just more or less certain - certain things do 'stand tall' - by being established through a clear enough word and/or meaning - and with them comes a sense of universalistic order.

What is not to be missed here is that these sacred grounds are no permission to anyone involved to impose their norms onto others. So - what I regard as true for me at that Level is also first of all just true within this 'bubble' wherein the 'we don't harm anyone' rule is established.

And sure, while for the start everything is crude - we all have to take it that what we get 'here' on that end of things is most likely crude to begin with and therefore have to expect certain inconveniences. But ... while there is nobody to enforce any of those rules ... well, who cares?


Oops. So, where were we?


In the beginning there's just the simple question for "whats allowed?". And the end of the story is that this isn't how we should think about it. That further opens into field of larger complexity, which, to a point, is there to answer just that question.

How much can and can't be justified by individuality? Well - individuality shouldn't be an excuse. Hence there is etiquette - and slandering it comes with punishments of unworthiness. ??? Sortof? Well. Smoking renders me incompatible with the Church of latter day saints - sortof. And more. I can't fully abide by their standards of worthiness - and thats a ... very impressionable experience solely based on certain spiritual perceptions.

Where your first experience with the Force may as well be that which comes of baptism?

Well, ... I think thats ... an issue - of getting things twisted. There is the one side of the force which also manifests in any sense of anything, where experience in general is "the Force" - but isn't that 'fully' as the shift into the Ninefold makes clear.


But yea, ... almost forgot, ... one branch to all this is that once we acknowledge our individuality, ... we have to understand that it doesn't work like that, ... entirely. It can't. Its just ... an issue of society. In any random collective of individuals nobody can be certain of the others 'origins'. But even in a perfectly "harmonic" environment we can't make sure that we can all have it our ways always. Its as saying as that one can only be as loud as others allow them. And some people who are quiet can get quite loud at times too!

Rights and Righteousness. Are rights entitlements?

Sometimes the issue with Laws just is that ... they naturalistically can end up standing in the way of individualistic judgment.


So, we ultimately need God to work with us. The quality of ones individuality is then basically in equivalence to that persons synergy/"depth" with God. So, clearly we can't derive a solid law or rule from that in this sense.

But we can get a sense of "the Law of the Holy Spirit" - as where there is a specific rule that God embeds into our Hearts which we find hard to transcribe we can refer to that as equally mysterious by given nature - which basically should breed a certain kind of respect for handling those kind of issues.

The way it stands for me - the final answer will be certain religions that offer different perspectives on certain conditions, ... conditions that set individuals into places where nobody can truly 'scam the system' to get more out of anything or to exploit others.


...


Well ... as one can only be at "so many places" ... "at once".


Weird?


Well - individualities that converge within any society that can be described as different other is so distinguishable by words of which some are dedicated to ideology or normalities. While in some sense the positivitualistic perspective assumes that there is a good common norm in all of them, the same is true for the opposite. A foundation as simple as 'respect the other persons life' can however appear in a variety of ways. Respecting a Slaves life due to its worth as a labor force might be one way - not speaking of anything sacred though.

The more 'detail' we want, the closer we get to 'hard differences' - and if we then were to apply certain criteria ... we can filter out certain things. So, there is a sweet-spot, we might say, where any society would either fail as abnormal or pass as normal - though, subjectively so. We can for instance go and oppose Christendom to Buddhism - yet we can also go and unite them. If we oppose them we breed individualistic ideals that "stick out to the eyes of preference". While we oppose them, we ignore what binds them together - which we can imply through our "preference" - saying that its the same thing although maybe not truly understanding the depth of this statement.

On the other side there is culture, ... a totally different "beast".


Understanding the middle-norm as something thats purposefully sterile ... neutralistic ... we can individually relate to it and describe our differences to 'it'. Thats ultimately how individuality works. It is some difference from some unifom ... something.

And so there are things to me as of the whore I am - that, ... well, ... 'obviously' stand out; In a way that ultimately ... involves Luciferianism. Thats ... something we eventually can't not talk about. Describing it as that makes sense as that is how God presents it - and it involves ways of life that preferred a certain norm other than ... "mute".
It then is a religion where incest would rather be encouraged ... for reasons primarily in concern of various individuals ... that attach to each other in a way that just translates into that when applying the form of familiarities - and maybe further assimilate it for fancies.

But when now something like that happens - two or I don't know how many meeting on premise of a synergy of identity - ... I don't know. But, ... implying that who were my Mother isn't my Mother, ... while I'm having such fancies. So - that reality is different to this reality - and for whatever whore I am - beyond just saying that thats my clarity - I'm having a growing sentiment to shove that aside.

...


//1425
//2018.01.25|1320


...

Which is like saying that all the previous stuff I wrote about it is bollocks, but not quite. And ... just so we're on the same page here: I've lost oversight of all the open threads there might be ... here, still. The main concern is pretty pointy, ... and moving on with that ... the issue is once again that of clarity.
The way how it got to that for me is that after I first adopted Mormon standards for myself I have become more and more open"ed" to more open ideas - as the: "If I don't hurt anybody, is it bad?" question goes. Pretty much of that has just been philosophy but to some part that yet had taken me back into older habits. Basically smoking.

The way I got into prostitution was just weird - as beyond my own control. It was certainly "there" - to me just around the corner, ... though yet once across the globe because of my own inner ideologies that kept me away from it. Or ... "would keep me away". There certainly isn't or wasn't much thought in that resentment. Just some "of course" prostitution is bad. Because ... err, ... reasons. Its dirty or whatever. Its humiliating or whatever. Its "lesser work". Well ... its sex plus money. Money for Sex. Or Sex for Money.

One might say that this is the descent after I broke away from the Mormon rules. So, unworthiness leading to more and more of itself. The same could be said about US Politics right now, ... from both sides. You could say that about humanities efforts to explore space. You could also say that of those that say those things - in response to their ignorance. For when yet the argument goes that the 'old testament' says this or that - I've lost you at some point.

But - lets just put it that way: If the situation goes to say that there are certain ways that we mustn't be - that is as saying as that there won't be certain ways in heaven/paradise/"the next emanation". However we want to refer to that time or place. The logical conclusion?

But now the issue continues that there are individuals who grown based upon Gods light have an individuality that is to them as intimate as it gets - and their alignment to God helps them at discovering their own self and most importantly: Sorting things out in light of the truth - well, ... to say that they establish a stronger individually that is less willing to be suppressed by plain virtue of existing.

I'm reminded of the US prohibition - where the government ruled out alcohol and how crime spread in consequence. Same things are being said about Marijuana.


Though - I may have just ... last week ... screwed up my life, due to it. It was one week of me not checking my mail - and now of course all the deadlines have passed. And that brings me to this motivation to not smoking it - or the right time - again - which is simply that a sobriety focused start into the day will provide some more time to get that kind of stuff sorted out. Though that kind of stuff, ... to me is unnecessary inconvenience. But ... thats sortof the issue. And still I would for the most part blame it all on the lack of a supporting environment. Which ... is about everything that I am not.

Sure can I blame it all on me too - and certainly do I hold my own self responsible for those things that are in my control - but I'm still saying that the whole entire social infrastructure we live in is nasty. I mean, ... what doesn't work out for me can eventually be narrowed down to circumstances. Circumstances ... that had they not occurred because of this and that ... like, would I not have to go here and there because the Jobcenter wants me to find a job, ... or to go here and there to get some weed, ... because at the time I didn't have those 10 bucks or change for a ticket (excuses), ... whatever - I wouldn't have gotten those black tickets, ... . For instance.

What I so am talking about are circumstances or events that buffer against those ... "outer world threats" ... things that so happen, ... .

Or is it Ark?


The main issue for me is that I'm usually lost in my own thoughts, too much to generally care about the world around me. So - where not having the money for a ticket is an excuse is where I really don't think I have the 10 bucks for a 4-use ticket, or where the convenience of having a card didn't truly jive with me yet. The card from the bank into the ticket thing - works - ... but yea, then there is time. It takes a while, ... ... though that one day where I got caught I wasn't really in a hurry. The train I needed to take however was just arriving.

But its a more serious issue when asking ... well, I've heard that it is a common issue amongst ... the likes of me. Unemployed/Homeless people. ... Bad Habits?


Some would, despite any 'legal rights', see it from a critical ... social perspective, speaking of injustice on part of the jurisdiction. "People like me" are generally people with various problems. Some just 'can't' with society so much that they prefer being homeless. "Hitting the turf". Others that try to catch some foot are generally left in depressing conditions - where partially I get the feeling that each flicker of motivation is getting suffocated as soon as it appears. In the mean-time, that is between the individual appointments, you're somehow meant to look for work and spent your otherwise 'void filled' life ... and the more problems with finding work come, the more this 'void' takes over. For once. Problems with finding work can there be many, ... and they start at even knowing where or how to begin.

In the meantime those people usually have a shattered life to begin with. No tight links to family or friends - where the only friends end up being those around you at those times that just know how you feel about it.

Looking it up, the daily rate for the average unemployed would be at 1 to 5 bucks. The daily rate they however generally impose is at ... 60. And they want 12 of those.

And thats the kind of stuff. You read: "12 x 60" and baam ... whaaat? And I put it away because I'm shocked. It only adds to all the other stress you have with keeping up - while of course the other life also drags you down a little. Its a daily routine based on spending time, ... which eventually becomes more and more deprived by nature. While some would suggest filling that gap with activity would help, ... I wouldn't practically object, but still argue about 'relief' being good. Making it less problematic to somehow ... get settled. Or maybe stop pretending like there is enough work for everybody?

Tough questions?

"Life isn't fair!"

But do I believe that "they" couldn't tell how much I earn, and how much they 'can' ask from me?

Another tough one.

And I get a headache. All this nonsense 'shouldn't be' - and that not because I behaved properly, but because such things shouldn't be in general.
And what do we do? We get money and spend it - putting it right back into the economy. That way we practically create work.


...


Its possibly a combination of all those things and more.
But back to topic.


We can say that with individuality there come flaws. While we can try to change as we are required by circumstance, ... any effort of that kind requires our awareness of the situational requirements. Thats just how it is. Punishment is there to evoke a response ... of practical self-improvement upon certain issues that are subject to that punishment. But however. I don't mean to discuss this at this depth.

What I'm saying is that we by our individual selves in certain ways differ to other peoples ways of doing things. And be it just nuances. When it gets to that in terms of human nature - I think we must shed the idea of corporal anatomy. We rather should speak of constellations of ideas, ... and while we could look at each other as rocks of different shapes and configurations, ... these cognitive constellations that make us individual would furthermore be an individual weighting within those rocks. So, certain points within the rock that weigh more or less individually; And have different magnetic alignments and what not.

So if a martial art for instance puts focus on certain movements that you inherently slander, ... you're going to have a tougher time mastering it, ... or an easier one ... eventually. Maybe so because you see what you get wrong in direct contrast to how you do it - ... .

And undoubtedly are there certain qualities that are beneficial to ... lets say ... working with other people. "Thats life". Now are there things I'm good at, or good for, ... but it doesn't mean jackshit to this society!


Soo .... . In the end the answer is: "Whatever". ...
... where was I?


Sure, if you understand the answer, you should also understand how it entails the good and the bad. The pretty and the ugly.
As for my own clarity - it works as an answer to this question; But as I see it now, ... just remotely. Its in the issue of incest - that my clarity, or clarity in general, doesn't really resemble a direct answer. I don't think that there is one clarity that specifically implied that.

To me clarity is mostly about profession or ... synergy with a social status. Or role, ... purpose. So, labels that are comprehensive to a society, ... entailing various forms wherein the individual then individually synergizes with. So are there various 'veins' that I have ... clear "triggers" or "handles" that make me flourish within such a relationship/situation. Whether that is wanted of my contemporary corporal presence ... thats an issue that has been bothering me. I mean, the question as to whether or not.

Thinking of what I want ... is problematic. Instead of thinking 'what I want' the formulation of 'how I want' it urges in - and seems to be more dominant. This is however a statement I don't have any context for to say it. The smarts behind putting it that way aren't there yet.
But having it presented that way allows me to try and understand that position, as of which I then can get to them eventually.
In that sense I do personally not have any motivation to prostitute myself to any capacity - while I however know of certain ways of how I yet would; Thus ... negating this statement through how things are (a.k.a.: I don't have a motivation 'now' - but I might have one later); ... and contrary to what some might believe is there yet a personal layer to it. There are my ways ... though while I at my core or whatever am submissive, this submission is 'casted within' a given environment of "familiarities" - which directly "buffer into" the given feelings. Its like ... an identity check. Trying to sotospeak impose as one of them by mere action would trigger an "unrightful access" feeling which generally ... is one of those legal issues ... mentioned earlier.

Ever so often I get to think of this due to a feeling ... which emerges from something taking the shape of what I'm looking for, mechanically. So if I here said that the trust wouldn't be there, this "thing" would attempt to become sotospeak 'trustworthy'. But it doesn't stop being uncomfortable.
Sometimes it triggers me to think that it is the sole reason for why I believe what I believe - but that is certainly casted out once I can calm down and re-emerge from myself.

The question there is in about around who may and who may not do what to and/or with me. Thats the feeling I'm getting. Someone thinking that he or she by what I say can give it to me much better. Like that came out as a surprise. And there is that breed that thinks that its all about that, it would seem. Supremacy or Superiority. That their ability, sotospeak or for instance, to take everything they see and add a few bells and whistles to it, makes them somewhat superior - and deserves our admiration and worship ... or something. That so justly based on that they so have the right to dig on me - keep my beloved away from me just to bend me over so I might eventually "accept "the truth"" - but yea. There is this thing of mine - that of 'falling to the devil'. So - where there is the picture of the "Heroine" (in a Hentai flick) that has totally succumbed to the lust of being a sex-slave. So, in a scene that would establish their perfect detachment from whats otherwise drawn as "normality" or "sanity". So, by imagination, sucking the cock of the devil in front of audience. Now - what this image however entails is a certain degree of submission on my part - which is in this sense integrated into a community we could so say I'm 'married (in)to'. So is the contrast of holy vs unholy just a theme around those figures implied/involved - and in this real world, it doesn't matter how 'evil' you are - my enthrallment is to those I'm enthralled to - which is those within this given environment wherein clarity reigns supreme. And in that realm we also play around with charms ... of mind-control. "Magic" if you so will. Because ... hey, ... its fantasy. Fantasy that works. It so helps my mind to get into certain tunes - the Light ... expanding its acceptance of ones individuality through benevolence.

Or is it ... clarity?

If not, I'd get these things mixed up because they ... fit seamlessly together, it seems. Where I can see how it would be two separate things though is at the "metrics" of attachments. There is clarity on one side, which is about me, "what" I am - and attached to that is a certain understanding of how it ties into my privacy, ... where there then is a certain understanding of my intimate affiliates or whatshouldmesay.

Here I think that I just 'have to' say what this is for me to make people understand ... what my consequential problems are ... living my life at any rate. I'm a whore, ... and my ties into privacy are that I'm enslaved to that capacity, where now my intimate affiliates are those that own me. And this sure yields a respectively extreme experience of what clarity entails. Which may however just be a misconception.

Well, moving forward the first question of course should be (??? "duh?" ...) that of what my own independence is about. So - the situation is that neither my owner nor anyone affiliated to them or however to the capacity of prostitution anything - is present, ... all of that falls flat. If there were some prostitution thing, that wouldn't automatically work out. For some reasons, where intimate ones would be just as good as other ones. Equally there could be reasons for something working out. //

Anyhow - what I'm 'getting' is that now my 'profession' is technically something other than prostitution. That changes how I'm tied into it - somehow - but now who my intimate affiliates are. Naturally. Nor does it change the things round about ... how I am turned into or held as a sex-slave. And well, if I have made a mistake in estimating its value, ... maybe the issue is that of the 'esoteric worth'. Uhm, ... so ... the esoteric background is "there" - but its dormant. All those individuals that are relevant to my 'esoteric identity' ... are missing. For context. Or anything that would however tie me into any of it. In this situation my perspective is that there is 'certain interest' in my intimate affiliates that doesn't come from the clarity perspective, but my own contemporary one. This goes to say that while those relationships are part of what we might compare to a machine that gives everyone purpose ... which is further driven by the passions of the individuals involved ... this isn't the only way how they and I can relate to each other.

So it ... stands.

At least in theory. The circumstance that I turn out to be female prior to any of my male (spirits(?)) dreams getting fulfilled - well, it certainly ... well, well, ... there is one way of seeing it as an unhappy ending, ... but in that it resonates with ... my marital bonds in a positive way. So, a happy ending on that side of things.


Anyhow. Thats ... where I was going with this anyway. That on the private/intimate side now these constellations are absolute. My spouse is my spouse. Those people I'm married to are who they are, what they are - and part of that involves our commitments to each other. As I allow someone to be dominant upon me - I make that person dominant. I give it that ... role in life, somehow. And so is it that I, in my privacy, exist as though I'm property of someone. So - caring for myself is something of a thing that ... I can't quite get a handle of/on.

And so, what happens as I enter that environment is that to the extent our bonds have been woven, ... certain normalities should kick in. This could imply enslavement. That is true as of my inner alignment to it. The "switches" I know I have. In reality however there yet is the driving force of 'her' (in that case) drive/interest and other things.


This now doesn't involve any illegal activity, ... while we could say that me with her is already incest and pedophilia - but so on an esoteric plane. We would have it that way, ... eventually, ... as part of how we relate to each other. So - thats where its either clarity or something else. Its ... the Light. I once suggested the term Psi, ... seems like ... we need it after all.

So, through that we breed the idealization of these circumstances requiring something of a religion that honors these kinds of kinks. And thats how I have become a "Satanist"/Luciferian. It simply hosts the habits opposed to the "order of the Light" - within the whole that is still good/just and right. So, here the Light creates a Law for the Purpose of casting shadow - while now different streams of life can assemble around given ideologies that imply their own laws in contrast to the "central" one.


What this says is that I'm not a whore per-se, ... that me being one so depends on certain individuals. Eventually there could be things in place against that - but right now this isn't about my individual fancy. But, I can mostly just relate to it from my own perspective; And right now I feel that my link to prostitution is mostly dependent on them. Any other way I feel "softened" up for it - is ... basically already running into dead ends. "I have no motivation" - and for the sake of argument I hereby impose that any relationships that matter to me have to respect that. So - thats how it could end. But maybe thats just me bugging out right now because ... I wanted to be this way in case I'd get the opposite.

I'm confused.

I want to say something - ... but yea. What has to be said is finally that there are rules, in there. So, that my spouse is my Mother, amongst others that would be that, ... in some way, ... that is a part that is 'fixed in'. Whether or not we inherently chose Luciferianism thereby, ... is ... questionable. It might be that we just took on some preferences and then found those shifted into that. So, ... the easy way. Luciferianism then adds identity, or theme, ... and rules. It allows us to be married mother and son, ... it allows me to get turned around and enslaved, ... and in the sense does our attachment to that higher religion now bind us to sacrifices and privileges. To whatever extent ... that is yet to be explored.

Or well - maybe it should read: And the Luciferian way of things resonated best with us since it allows us to ... .


So, if one of those religions casts a rule - demanding certain privileges for its members - that goes 'one up' - and 'the people' have to confirm the validity of its claim. Essentially that were each and everyone for themselves, ... yet for sake of officiality rendered into an 'ecclesia' - where the individuals 'place' is that of confirming the validity of that.

This were then a black on white resemblance of what is and what isn't - confirmed - in terms of those things that are generally speaking for God. And that Luciferians ... as on my behalf ... would want permission to own people and do with them as they please ... is ... one of those issues. It has to be properly formulated and ... backed up and stuff ... as for instance also solving the issue of who ends up being a potential victim ... and also how the individuals freedom is protected ... ... . So do I think there have to be circles of twelve, where now a majority with objections should speak for something missing, ... and that would lead to further pondering. Or ... 'guided pondering'.
Figuring out whats left.

In terms of incest this can mean that an individual is 'entitled' to encouragement by religion. Sotospeak. Thats ... the Luciferian way. Personal humiliation - in terms of dignity or freedom - for ... gains of that kind. Subjecting ourselves to a higher power to manipulate our primitive instincts ... according to Lust or some respectively "dark diety". What matters is that it is all God - who finally carries all the things out that matter ... as to give "Lust" a tangible ... "self" of some kind, for us to interact with it as a diety, or guiding force. So is it then however so that instead of 'being allowed', one so rather is 'forced' to. Where I guess the cynicism on that side of life comes with a given lack of interest.

What I'm getting at is I suppose that there is a not to be underestimated amount of depth to these structures.

And that, so I'm alerted, doesn't necessarily stretch into the "more"s of anything.


Eventually we can come to talk of "Psi" as being in essence more like a seed that casts a sense of love - an idea of who we are, how we love, what we love, ... and so on - so that we can better speak of Love in terms of relationships, that so as by our better understanding of our own ways. Here what I got could ultimately translate into things that are rather simple - only craving circumstances of intimacy ... that is established on that certain type of intimacy and bonding. So, how our preferences, dreams, kinks, stuffs ... best line up with others, ... where we can 'start' to talk of 'true' love. (Where we can love the other for reasons that are intimate to us).

The Mary SueGeneral Stuff

Posted by Nicole Thu, January 18, 2018 16:16:34


[Ark Update, Force Philosophy]


Isn't it obvious? "Haha!". Well - there seems to be an ongoing struggle - and this one's specifically odd in that it has me ... feel like the only ones I'm talking to are Antichristians. I mean - usually when I have certain issues on mind I feel something like a general audience. Some ... people standing outside that the issue also connects to. This may also be the case here - but not in the direct sense. While these things might interest you, ... its not like anyone actually cares ... but them.

There may be a lot to be said here, but in short terms - what is the reality of the force? What is its 'truth' - (Star Wars) - so that there is merit to the criticism regarding Reys ease of using it. We might take it really simple and add that Luke and Anakin having had certain difficulties with it, well - Anakin maybe not so much, visually at least; Which gives the viewer a sense of "its difficult". Thats just ... whats on the screen there. Why question it? Thats what the story wants me to believe - so in context of the movie/Star Wars Universe ... thats how it is.
Thats then what we could examine, once taking a science approach.

THe Mary Sue is like a pre-mature Deus Ex Machina. When describing Deus Ex Machina in that context, ... we have a situation of danger basically resolving itself through whoever is involved. That might be an impossible situation to get out of and something unforeseeable happens - or its more literally an "Ex Machina" (from the Machine ~ the structure of the Film) type of thing. Like, ... the Hero being given just enough time to learn what he head to learn by the time it mattered to save everybody.


Of course we should eventually wonder about the merits of such stories anyway. Whats the point? Whats the argument? Isn't it anyhow just, ... good guy beats bad guy?


But such arguments are inherantly of 'diminishing quality'. Its the 'retreat' from a challenging situation. There is an obstacle ... say, to "yet" - no matter how "cheap it is objectively" - try and make it as compellingly reasonable as possible. I guess 9.999~ times out of 10 the viewer knows that by the end everything will be good - while cases where any heroes or good characters that are being killed off are usually met with cynicism. So, here we can wonder: Where's the difference? Its all ... manifactured anyway ... so, everyone surviving vs. not everyone surviving ... ... same thing?

I mean - here we can say its ... creativity that tells the rules. There is no right or wrong way, ... as who would be telling those rules? There are guidelines though, ... and so it seems - a back and forth between how much which side thereof matters.

When it gets to artworks and movies and such - I have this spot on my mind which is occupied by people ... that well ... to me they are insane! Its a space crowded with echoes of arrogance, ... people that figured that everything they can imagine could be put onto the screen - while being given some tools like finished Characters and Environments to play with, high of the ease at which one can be made interact in some way with the other. However you put it, the end-result will be a story that can be turned into a film - and other people will take care of the miniscule details of making it look realistic, creating the models, placing key-frames, doing some choreography.

Its a bit as a good king vs bad king story - where the good king is concerned of the people and the bad king is concerned of his power and what he can do with it. The bad King might wonder: But where is the good of a King that looses his power? Well - where is the good of a King that is no good to his people?


So - back into Ark ... the case with the Metal? Well - I had certain examples in terms of Ark, regarding my own ... ways of being and not being a Mary Sue. So, just to add context. Like - my own ... Deus Ex Machina - sotospeak. Or ... struggles with Survival.


So - going into the game I was a total noob. Unequipping the equipped tool was one of the early major challenges. It didn't occur to me to just press the button again. I then figured I could go into the inventory and equip and unequip stuff from there. Well - all my previous cries for help didn't yield any answer until 'after' how I figured how to do it the wrong way.

Then one learns to build with foundations. First thing. Eventually one unlocks fence foundations, ... but until I would know that pillars snap to walls and foundations to pillars ... multiple "ruined" bases would come and go ... eventually. Well, two in our case.

And I wouldn't have had the time to really look into it, had we not flewn accross the map and looked at some other bases.

So - essentially the game here is like: If you start with a foundation, you're 'already' doing it wrong. Which I in my Mary Sueyness should have seen coming. Did I see it coming? Should I? Well - aside of getting a strong sense that I'm doing 'something' wrong ... I couldn't tell 'what'.
Again I should wonder: What did I do with my time? Well - ... first up ... building. Getting a base - a little hut to start from. Well - hard to tell. I remember running around trying to gather Wood and Stone ... without a Dino. I remember not only upgrading my carrying capacity, but also health, melee, movement speed and stamina. I was adding a second floor to the base the others have built. Once we had some tranq arrows there was this Stegosaur, ... and the Therizino. The other guy was the first to have one. It was round about then that I wanted to get into gardening so we'd have more Narcoberries - but due to the Trike that was no longer an issue. Though around me starting with laying some pipes and trying to make our base a little bigger I got my first bunch of Parasaurs. Round about then we decided to move on.

In conclusion to part 1: Got killed by Piranhas a lot.

From here on out - well, lets tell this differently. First things first. I was the one who built our first thing for making tranquilizer, ... and outside of gathering stuff, dieing and building some stuff I didn't do much.

In the second base I had an idea - or we had one - I however had one and thus laid the foundation to that and went on building. Now, as I got to the upper floor - things dried out. The others were busy building their stuff - and I so really started to feel a shortage of building materials. On one gathering trip then my Parasaurs died. Then was left with nothing, ... got up again with a new Stego and a Trike ... but they too died before I could even properly do anything with them.

At some point there I did put some points into Water and Food - but also into Oxygen. Meanwhile someone had gifted us two Dinos. An Ankylo and a Tapejara. Thats also where the Metal starts coming into play. However - later we then got again other Dinos ... a whole bunch ... and around that time I felt it was more important to first make my side of the Den larger before finishing the central building ... which was barely used anyway.
"Remember that for Later - viewers".

Well - around then we decided to again move and start bigger. So again, I took over the main building - and ... while I was sortof lacking a real drive to move forward ... I was compelled to stick around. One night - I was the only one left - I decided I wanted to take a deeper look into the water ... tried to get me a Megalodon ... and ... well - maybe find some silica pearls. I tamed one, lost it to a server disconnect while piranhas were chewing at it in the shallow water. But I still finished that fencing. Then, the next day I guess, I got me 4, ... but they too died ... after I was venturing too deep. Well - I managed to escape with a few, but some Cniderias and Mantas ... gave the rest to them. So, I didn't pursue that any further - but I still got out of it with a bunch of oil.

Now the case is this, that the central building/main base is semi complete ... its done but still lacking final polish and the extension ... and I'm the one who has spent the most time there. We have all the most important stuff in there - a fabricator, a generator, fridge, egg-hatching spot, ... but it sortof is just there for the heck of it. It could as well be my base. Now - the issue with that however is, as far as in-game "uncheated" achievements go - I can carry home the oil - enough to keep two generators running 24/7. Maybe even 3. But 2 is convenient - 3 would mean stress.

And thats sortof the story. The next thing were to get some defensive artillery to deal with some Titanosaur, ... but the Metal cap ... is way over out head right now. As for which I've gotten me some Turtles to get their eggs for Kibble to get some strong Brontosaurs. Which is my idea as opposed to taking the Quetzal and some Argentavi to the Volcano. And as chance has it - I know just the right spot. At least ... it would be a good guess and I've kindof gravitated towards that area anyhow. Predictably so?

I got a feeling ... that yes.

And ... something about it aggravates me. It has nothing to do with the parts that came organically. Like - I need them Brontos anyway, and after my Brother never seemed to have any luck at keeping his Turtles alive - mine are the only ones we got, ... and need. After we lost most of our Pteranodons - I also took it upon me to get us some new ones. And some Dodos while we're at it playing it that way. The Kibble way.

Dodo eggs for Pteranodons, Pteranodon eggs for Carbos, Carbo eggs for Brontos - and our Central Base happens to be a good place for some Bronto Mating Action. With Lights!!!

And I'm also working on my first attempt little-Bird-cave-exploration-shield-army. But thats gonna take a while. And I don't have a particularly good feeling about it.

So - thats the thing, where in terms of success ... it eventually happened. I can build diving gear, ... well. I don't know if my Oxygen is enough to get to those silica pearls legitimately, ... but I think so. But the nickname "Aqua Man" is safe. On their behalf.


So - there is that ... "Deus Ex Machina" ... that I so in my planlessness had enough foresight to skill Oxygen and try taming some Megalodon ... plus getting onto a Metal Gathering tour often enough so in time we had enough to start hatching eggs. Where, Bonus, we have a fertilized Wyvern egg in our fridge ... due to that, basically - but no way to actually grow the baby. Just the day I installed the first air-conditioners some guy in chat wanted to get rid of his.

Fertilized Bronto eggs for the Titanboa, Titanboa eggs for the Tylas.

Still I didn't right away start taming Dodos, ... then Pteras and then Carbos. Anyhow - I think at first just surviving should be priority. And Stego eggs are used to make Kibble for Argentavi. Para eggs for Raptors. Though we talked about eventually getting there - I never touched any eggs for kibble until my Baby Stego (RIP) wanted some.

Technically I don't need to keep my Plants alive, ... the fridge holds enough eventually ..., Oh yea, ... vegetables. Thats why. Need Vegetables for Kibble.


THat part is eventually just a matter of having a base to start wondering about which way to go. Though just having everything ... is another way of doing it.


Anyhow - that falls along the "die until you're done ... or got it figured out" line of things. I've somehow stumbled into place, ... and got what I need to be in that place. SO the issue. Which also somehow, passively, turns me into 'head of treasury'.

Well - my point though is that there was enough failure on the way ... like, I mean. Yea - sure. There isn't a need to have Megalodons if there is no use for the oil. I might have gotten into Brontos early, ... where occasionally I have the feeling that I should maybe tame the things I've just more or less accidentally killed. Try to tame the Bronto? ... Not now. Next thing that happens: It runs over our base. We kill it.

Still - point being: There is a struggle to the goal. I think of it in terms of what I have been prepared for when. The thing being that while in some way the story can be told as a flawless progress from A to finish - ... err ... - its a Deus Ex Machina thing rather than a Mary Sue thing.


It might seem miniscule, but a Mary Sue would have showed that Alpha Raptor. I don't know how - but thats kindof the thing about it.
A Mary Sue would have never lured that Therizino right into our base ... by accident ... she would have built a trap and tamed it. So without any prior training and expertise.
Someone just waiting for one to try and tame it - thats a different story. I ... just wanted to know its level ... first of all.


But yea, Crystals aren't really 'my' resource ... talking of it. Though - digging into caves ... with Bug Repellant ... - might be my way of gathering at least something. Not enough to build a house of glass ... but I don't even have enough points left to unlock those structures. Not if I want other things ... like a Chemistry Lab ... maybe ... ... we'll see.


In other words now is what we see in the Original Trilogy something we could describe as 'resistance of the Force'. It resists the person attempting to use it. Not that though as of that being its intention - its merely an observation putting emphasis on the 'difficulty' from a different perspective. This allegory works, I guess, ... because something that behaves a certain way - even without intention - yet follows some sense of an intention. So - the earth orbiting around the sun may not do so because it wants to - but we could still speak of the precision at which those things happen as of a higher intent. TO just so point onto the ... thing. Relating to it as an intention doesn't change how things work - except you want to get overly spiritualistic with it. Where then, yea, Jesus said it. If you have enough faith ... .

But thats not the point. Its ... counterproductive even.

Yoda eventually teaches Luke that size doesn't matter - so, its within acceptable margins that there were some trick to it ... allowing Leia to do what she did. I mean, to the point of exploring the idea of the things the Force can do. And it is here where whatever tolerance I had snaps back - and I got to say that the question for how to get the most out of the force is one of the underlying "hidden" plotlines of the movies. The Sith so turning towards vile actions to commit themselves to the dark side ... for of course: Ultimate Power. The Jedi on the other end avoiding the dark side - only implying "reason" (sanity) as the answer for why. Its just 'the thing' - the way it is - a.k.a. "Deal with it" - but it works. The Sith would disagree - elaborating how whatever, ... - and thats sortof the struggle. The one sides lust for power throws it into ignorance about its consequences, ... while the other can only refer to it as a threat. A ... dark and sorry thing.

And I still believe that Lukes incident on Dagobah, where he saw his own face underneath Vaders helmet, is about Lukes decent into the Dark Side - aspirations for Power to kill Vader and/or save his friends - imbued however with his own Goodness, his will to not fall into the Dark, thus materializing as a warning.

And I mean, that is the whole shtick with these desolate learning incidents - where the Hero is annoyed by what he's made to endure. He begins to question everyone and everything, but by pushing on - those things become less and less meaningful - and in his anguish he's led closer and closer to the things that really matter. Ridden of the confusions ... the shackles ... of everything else; Free from the waves that drive us back and forth - free of the tides that pull us up and down.

And certainly ... it makes sense that his choice to leave Dagobah is also somehow involved. The question whether he should stay or go - ... would also concern him, while slashing through the bushes. Stay and become a great Jedi, or leave and risk everything? Righteousness over ... Pride?


The difference between seeing Luke as a "grey" Jedi and understanding Yodas perspective is I guess ... complicated. Yoda would be telling us that there is a harmony with the force to be gained from withdrawing from the dark side. Which to me is - something as a passive synergy rather than an imperative application. An 'asking for' rather than 'commanding to' (the Midichlorians). As of that though there were clearly more than just one way ... "the Force works". In Yodas mindset then ... the issue between Light and Dark is 'literal' - there are two distinct sides with its own demands of getting the most out of it. On the Light side "salvation" is brought within passivity - as part of the Force and thereby the greater workings of the Cosmos - and on the Dark side it is brought about through activity - as wielder of the force.

Luke there would be a guy "separated" from this Loop - in my interpretation - taken by the force - to offer a third option. To say that perfect passivity cannot be the highest there is - and maybe that played into Yodas behavior as well. Being cautious, careful to teach someone of his age - being cryptic and indirect. Well remembering, perhaps, the mistakes of the past, ... or being woefully reminded of the pains that Anakin had caused.


So, how could Star Wars continue? I guess ... I'm as conflicted as George Lucas about it. I mean, I wondered - why he's contradicting himself so harshly when it comes to the Sequels. I knew quite early - and nobody was believing me - that there would be prequels. I mean, its obvious today - and it says 'Episode IV' right there too - but I was one "of the few" not confused by Episode I. ANd I read there were to be 9. Then we hear sometimes yes and sometimes no.
I myself - had various ... ideas ... but nothing quite manifacturing a clear idea, or something such as movies. Isn't the story over? Would anything further not just be a desperate attempt to rekindle a flame that might as well better be left extinguished?

I guess nobody really knows or knew how to continue the saga, ... so ... "might as well ...!"?



Ideo-logistixGeneral Stuff

Posted by Nicole Tue, January 16, 2018 16:49:24


[Ideology vs. Ideology, Luciferianism, Gods choice]


Everything. Nothing. Period. Need I explain?


Racism: There's the thing - that, this should be simple. Christianity is/should-be inherently inclusive thus racism is should/be inherently disqualified. Simple thing. But - it seems the meaning of racism has shifted - slightly. There's a difference between racism a.k.a.: 'The recognition of there being such a thing as race (racial/cultural differences)' and racism a.k.a.: 'Being condescending based on racial markers' - and though it would stand that one is inherently good and the other inherently bad - not even that is 'clear' enough. What I mean by that is that 'racism' if we want to talk about it in terms of "the Christian Ideology" (to the point of me representing what I believe to have that sortof done) isn't a no-go. It works as a matter of given preferences in terms of a favored ... stuff ... like, birds of the same feather flock together. That said and done - of course there is no such thing as 'good racism' when racism is about exclusion.


So, what is 'my' Gods ideology. What do you get in once you're in with Him?

I think the main complaint that I am to address here are all those issues round about my God being unfair. It to me is "sugar daddy God" vs. ... 'My God'. And My God ... well, is possibly Homophobe, Mysogenistic, ... and stuff. I'm left alone - add that to the list. Its possibly where the crux is at, considering that my opponents would need to be many; Many that all can confirm each other as part of a greater whole through which we can discover the true Love of God. A Love that is based on sugercoating us. Or such ... .

See, it shouldn't be inherently abstract to think of God being "supposed" to look after us to some extent; And that society can shield us from what God could do ... without resorting to the heavy stuff (like fireballs). Society further can shield us from God - period. Speaking of Fireballs, ... a society confirming its belief in those having come from the devil - well - would have it that way. Period.

Its where the lines are getting blurry. So, ... ever heard this: "Maybe the Devil is the good guy"? And that sortof is clearly the idea. Evil being around here - in this world - as advocate for whosoever would have a stance against God. At least so in the classic Good vs. Evil scheme. But the more nuanced it gets, the less the Devil is actually of interest or significance.
Thinking of the first time the snake appeared - thats in Eden. God had planted the Tree of Recognition of Good and Evil and by telling Adam and Eve that there is something they don't know and that they 'shouldn't' - the situation is already there. Conspiracy, ... Wondering, ... a Lack of Knowledge wherein 'the Snake' effectively takes shape; Thus being just an extension of Gods creation.


But well. I think the easiest way to put this is straight forward: What I believe is the ideology standing against me is an abstraction of the fundamental Antichristian ... thing. So, the reasons they have to be upset about God, wrapped up into a religion possibly disguising as Gods. And somewhere around that is some ... "things being set Equal" stuff. So - if both impose as the true Prophet it comes down to what each has to say - basically. Ideology vs. Ideology. So, we choose - or you - who wins this fight. (But eventually God says that actually knowing which is which ... isn't entirely irrelevant).
This way ... we could save ourselves quite some headache - but ... it seems that in the end the smarter one has to take a step back and so we now pose as the bad guys. Lust, Temptation, ... all of that. But ... how could that work? How is that still Gods side?


Well, first of all - 'we' - do not need to care! We have learned how to live our lives, ... we enjoy it and our enjoyment 'rules'. Period. Whatever piss you got to take at it - take it - its your problem! This is what I learned - that ultimately - I don't need to let my part in life be diminished by your ignorance!
Yea sure, there are the 10 commandments and "logical rules" and what not - but guess what: None of us disagrees with that! I certainly do agree with the 10 commandments - as far as I understand them - but I no longer need to be bothered by my inabilities to perfectly obey all good rule. I know who God is - I know who enlightened me, whom my Salvation is due; ... so, if I then enjoy me some idolatry ... that would seem like a contradiction on the surface but my idolatry is not to replace that one and only God with an Idol. It only extends everything. But so, obviously, this can't work out if you don't have that ... thing with God. Lets say ... if I were married and I brought home the money and my wife spent some of it - yea, not making a drama out of it, there's a variety of things I wouldn't mind. If you however took my wallet and bought the same stuff that I didn't mind my wife buying, ... well ... different thing, isn't it?

The Antichristian perspective is flawed in that it opposes God and therefore removes itself from understanding Gods true motives behind His actions. In their place they need to come up with other stuff; Which eventually has to be abstracted further to fit into their active agenda.

Who's ignorant there? If they say that we are - we must believe that God is of inferior insight than their Boss or entirety. Which is something I can logically not get behind.

Sure are/can there (be) things that I don't right away understand ... and whenever this issue comes up we're ... in the place that takes us here. So - the issue that I have to have all the answers because thats what I'm here for. But thats just the thing. There are things we do not understand ... period. There are things that I do understand which you don't - but thats a different issue. Here I know something you don't and I would do good, possibly, by sharing those things with you. But hereby its inherently so that the stuff that concerns me is biased through my own individuality. I have my own perspective - and no matter how centric it may be ... what prevents you from taking an arbitrary position I haven't considered (yet) and disagree or misunderstand? That would be you! And thats my main point here. A principality. I'm not saying that I'm not gonna share any of the stuff I deem important at this point - but sooner or later you'll have to get accustomed on your own.


And the more you'd rather have this not be the case, the more you simply keep on running into this wall. You might ignore it, pretend that this isn't a wall or a door I "should open" because "reasons" - but it still is and will always be, matter of fact, a wall - and ... guess what: If you get that ... you get it! And thats the point!


On the other end we don't need to pretend like we can't see behind "them" - thus moving forward arguing: The 'ideologies' that we are to be concerned about are all the little things that I said which someone could find an argument against. Its the same as with YouTube hiding censorship efforts behind the talking points of progressiveness and safe spaces and being inclusive and not racist and protective and what not. Doesn't change the fact.

Yea ... where 'freedom of speech' is good for as long as it fits the agenda.

We not? How would we do it if we were in charge? How could our "do whatever you want" attitude possibly work in a society?


Well - first of all: The less time you spend pointing your fingers at others, the more time you get for living your own life. And sure - I'm guilty at this point - but to the consequence of not having much of a life for my own. Be this ... therefore or whyever.

Either way you don't have much choice but to live your life either way; And pick a society/culture to be(come) a part of. What I like about God vs. theirs is that we don't need to cater to each other, artificially making sure that we're all inclusive and friendly and that everyone is happy. Thats not how I want to be loved - and not how I want to love my neighbor. Does that make me a bad/unfriendly person? Am I the grumpy single guy that don't wants any help from anyone?
Well - how does it sound when I say that I were happy to accept help if the entity helping me understood how?
Am I now arrogant? I mean, I say: People don't understand me. Their help doesn't usually arrive at me as helpful. In a way you could spin this and make me stand there as some arrogant person that needs the others around her to bend to her will - to adapt to me, basically; But what is it my fault? And ... I have been holpen by others already. Its maybe just that ... I don't need all that much help - period.

But sure, when it gets to myself, being true to my inner being, ... acting in interest of my own ..., thats where I'm bad at. I ... really suck at looking after myself. So, thats where I would need the most help, ... but that is a thing where ... its difficult to provide any help at all!


As for why God seemingly doesn't do anything about it - thats not how I experience it. Period. But to give a proper response to the concern, well, I first have to think. I then get to wonder why it is not a problem to me - and would eventually even get to think about it to begin with. I just know that I wasn't bothered by it before - and so there is no way that me thinking about it could change that. The question is why. And maybe its just that I didn't think of it - but so - if I had no concept of it, ... I wouldn't have noticed any help. Now that I do have concepts about it - there is some kind of help?
Well - there is more. There is the question: What did God do? At all? And ... can I defend it?

The one thing is that God never made any moves 'against' ... those things. It was me standing in my own way, and God helping me to change that ... is ... good? Isn't it? Isn't that how it should be?

Now, either way - its a situation that some of you might experience as "triggering". So, if you were caught up in that situation - or my situation - ...

I find this confusing because "more often than not" problems just appear out of nowhere. Things that were all clear just the day before all of a sudden turn into raging thunderstorms. The ultimate WTF experience, ... sortof.

I don't know. I just sense that this is ... basically the main point of contention. What God does or doesn't do - should or shouldn't - while generally thats not on my mind because I learned to bother living rather than ... breaking my head over such nonsense.


And there are points where the opposite is the problem. Namingly: Inspiration. Apparently that suggests that I'm not doing my creative work myself. So, here now Gods help is 'bad'. But then, it isn't good enough either - as - God doesn't pre-produce everything. We have to do our own work to it. At least thats how I get it. I get a concept thats usually flawed at some points and my own cognitive abilities learn about them - eventually - I suppose depending on how good I did. The more work I've done the more experience I can resort to and the better God can help me out.
Good for me that none of that should matter anymore.

Ultimately the whole "which ideology do you prefer" nonsense comes down to you having your own preferences ... and if we are to settle on that, then why not settle on it so?


Well - so, whats the point? The thing is that the 'buggy point' here is that the 'real' issue is the matter of which 'standards' we set. Or get settled with. Thats the 'freedom of speech' thing. Right now it would stand that freedom of speech is one of those 'standards' we can settle with. Religious freedom - for that matter. So, they and me/us, we can sortof co-exist in this frame. But if we are to settle on some standard of ideological censorship - we 'should' understand that we really need to know what we are doing ... and even then ... we ... maybe had to find that we then should opt against it. Its however clear that a reality where you cannot freely express your ideas isn't a good standard but for the few that happen to be in line with it. Give or take. The critical issue here is that of how broad or narrow the tolerance there is.
The idea would be that "the Prophet" "is to come" and settle some standards for everyone to adjust to. Creating some sense of order. That then goes on to assume that its one vs. the other - that there is some ... point by point similarity. So, as for me: They would settle some religious doctrine as standard - and so would I - and the issue is which one the better one is; Where in both cases the consequences for the other side were similar. Or the same. Stuff like Sonic vs. Mario - rather than Civilization vs. Mario.

Or, "freedom of speech, but" vs "freedom of speech - done/period/and".

The easiest thing about 'my thing' is that nothing needs to be settled as some standard. We don't need to get behind the steering wheel and plot a course. Therefore we won't have to bother about the fight for who's in charge. Well - naturally those that get 'in' will be in and they will sortof get settled amongst each other and that in tune with the Light. And once that gets to be the official thing due to majorities - then so we have that standard settled democratically.

"No bullshit, no ass-kissing".


"But what about ..." - well - once its settled its settled. That ... about it!


You can read through the Gospel looking for stuff that specifically tells us what to do and what not to do - and you'll eventually notice that thats not how it works! Or the wrong thing to be looking for. ...


Well - I get some ... difficult response; spiritually, ... from making these/my points. This works as a reminder of what my Clarity is about - and while those things might seem irredeemable, there are redeeming points that just don't seem to settle with some folks. Its tough ... anyhow. But, first of all - if it works for me it works for me. On the other side are the compelling things about it strongly so because of the Light, ... hence it is God creating the circumstances wherein these things work out ... and thus it should be in His responsibility to make those things happen that way. However, whenever.
Well, sometimes the dealing with stranger philosophies/ideologies/stuff is just difficult, ... or uncomfortable. Whether you're on a more sexual or a less sexual page - the other side will always be somehow less ... comfortable to you.

So, getting 'raped to death' ... tortured, punished, ... getting fucked by Tentacle Monsters, ... that sortof stuff ... for instance. Good? Bad? Of course it depends on what your joy with a given part in such a story would be - ... while some would claim that for me just mentioning that I'd like to be on the receiving end I should therefore be put into it hard ... thats the core of the problem.

For the most part I'm just guessing, ... when it comes to what the implications thereof are to real life in 'this world'. And in deed are there things that work for me - to say - "as much as possible" is a thing. But there are also other things that would go against that. I mean - thinking about getting raped to death, ... like, right now I feel like there's a knife at my throat. Or maybe even in my throat. It makes me feel uncomfortable and totally not into the whole getting raped to death thing. But with a certain selection of entities that add some emotional context to it, ... that changes, ... thus arguing that it wouldn't have to be "saved for the afterlife". That should say that we'll have such things before this world ends - totally legitimately and integrated into society - but it does not say so 'per se'.
The issue is that we can't leave it standing just like that because this kind of thinking only ever allows 'one' outcome to everything. The proposed ideal. Without sidestepping.
...
It is for instance within the realm of possibilities that this case of me sometimes being warm and sometimes cold regarding issues about my clarity is vastly of spiritual concerns; And that me being warmed up for my clarity isn't - as related to the contemporary world - about the proposed outcome but the implied social dynamics.

As my clarity goes there are a few things that inherently define me as incapable of quitting any of this "insanity". I can only crave for rape, ... I must only want things that are sexual self-depriving (simply put) ... being the perfect slave all in all that is totally designed for a life of eternal suffering. 'Period'. And any move away from that would diminish the quality of the projected image.
So, thats how it is - or in simpler words: "The one outcome". There is only one - and the only difference from one lifetime to the other were how long I'd live, when what would begin - that stuff.
That is however true within me. There is no divergence left or right - that I could or would take. Basically. In principle. Often enough that goes deeper and deeper to be literally as absolutistically true as possible. So, ... to for instance say that my male veins are getting Characterized and turned into items that are then inverted so I get raped to death always. To so remove anything that would take any other direction. Thats just the general consequence of my will being bent to forever and always only being capable of wanting to get raped.
And as for how I experience it - the general gist is that I would enjoy myself in there more than I ever could in any other circumstance.

But

...

There is no 'but' to that which works within that setting. Thats ... another way of putting it. But that being a problem is like saying that there is nothing outside of that ... realm.

At the very least am I capable of existing outside of those things. Like I do right now. And it doesn't feel as satisfying or enjoyable as stuff inside of that realm, ... but still different. I suffer a lot, ... outside of that realm, ... making it literally so that I need to inherently distance myself from this normality - but still my life is OK in a lot of other ways. You could draw this life as a road ... and eventually it would inevitably lead into a black hole. Thats the one string. From a different point of view this road however is a plane, ... and instead of a black hole there are black hole "items" (like Video Game pickups) littered throughout. Those then aren't the full fledged experience, ... but "shadows" thereof which "at the very least" resembled, in my case, some Kinky stuff. Its the idea that I'm the slave of my wife through which all the depravity occurs - but eventually the 'emotional plane' whereby we're just generally in love with each other is more relevant than those Kinks.


"Which, when, how?" isn't anything I feel like answering. Either answer would inherently deny the other. The one side of me wants it - the other side feels intellectual/creative efforts (creating a game) as more compelling. The two are at conflict - without me being able to resolve it. It might be a combination of the two, but ... yea ... thats where we get into ... this ... "iffy" zone.

Either way you're required to either accept or burn me; Basically. Thats the easiest "print through" we can agree on I guess. On the one side I'm supposed to die, ... and on the other as well. But both outcomes, in this sense, would happen 'because' of some pressure that I don't recognize as a thing 'within' the Ninefold. That which (is to) abducts me into depravity is/should-be love ... and that inherently isn't or shouldn't be anyones business. So either there is this realm where that is possible or not - to begin with.

And so maybe its true ... that I don't like it ... is also part of the rape thing. Same as that I basically like it more. So. In other words ... getting limbs removed for instance isn't something I look favorably upon, ... but the feeling I get from thinking of some having been removed is opposingly positive. But what happens here is that I can't escape myself. I'm supposed to ... lock myself up within this outcome. The only thing that can save me are those with authority upon my life - where again ... at the very best I can be somewhat agnostic about that.

Ultimately ... what did I want to say?


I guess it mostly amounts to the suggestion that 'maybe' those issues won't ever be of any concern to us because our emotions IRL won't ever take us down that road that far. Maybe.
Else - well - take it as an example of how ... free we are. Where most of my concerns that drive me away from my darkness are due to ... well ... some "political correctness" sortof thinking.

I however don't really feel comfortable getting shoved in there either. If it were up to me, if I had to be honest ... well ... by now this should have some comedy value. There is no way how I could honestly get out of this. But, ... on the other side do both possible ways feel off in their own way. Think of an egg - where you separate the yellow from the white. The one feeling is yellow, the other is white, ... but still the whole egg includes both.

Its got to be its own story that makes sense within our relationships - while, once 'snuff' would be legal ... I'd certainly envy those who could get snuffed if I couldn't.


Thats just a thing.


And yea ... "sorry" ... I guess.
Which, I realize, is ... a statement done in regards to a very specific setting. In a sense that any of those kinds of imaginations are very specific. There are certain elements that create the 'atmosphere' wherein certain 'Lights' are being triggered - and changing any one element might change the whole picture completely. Like ... thinking of what if snuff were legal 'already' - then I would have to change the point of where my envy occurs closer to the beginning - and in that I see that ... this isn't the case. I ... don't have that envy now already. I do have it in a remote sense - so ... its difficult.

Whats easy is on the one side just figuring out whats going on 'inside of me'. Thus - finding my 'clarity' - for all I got to do is to acknowledge myself in response to the Light. But yea ...


When taking all of this down into official terms ... there is a lot of dark stuff on a list of things that I would propose towards legalization. At the worse: Child Rape. Which is yet, as controversial as it is, equally ... something of a niche thing. Its very specific. Its not simply suggesting that Child Rape shouldn't be looked down upon. The idea here is that this is just a very abstract way of love and care. I mean - if our standard philosophy is to prepare a child for an independent life in our society - we already make decisions for that person which may or may not be good.
And I'm possibly the best case example. There is a lot of value that you can assign to me, outside of anything sexual. Speaking so of "Neutral, Intellectual Potential" or something like that. Now - if we generalized that people like me should get raped since childhood ... would eventually deny that type of potential to ever unfold. Plain theory. In practice we might find that it isn't that simple because of the childs growth and its parents emotional attachment. Yet the underlying issue is that this is mainly about the child and not the parents. The parents don't get to choose who their child is!

So on the other side we should be taking it very seriously that we can't just subject any child to "such parents" - while on the other side there so were the argument that God would judge a child by giving it to such parents. Thereby we however would suggest that there are as many 'such children' as there are 'such parents' that are getting offspring. It would make sense - but eventually there are 'so many' in life already. I mean - we could generalize, but in the end ... judging on a case by case basis ... is the safer option.

And so on and so forth.


So - I'm most definitely not trying to set the standard for anything of this sorts. [Now I got weed again].


I think the most appropriate stance to this is to take it into consideration that everyone, both sides, have the 'same' interest in it; Although that from different points of view. We could argue that 'we' feel sick for being the way we are - and we want to have that sickness ... somehow recognized and treated.

Its not that we 'want' Pedophilia to become legal. Although we are Pedophiles. That is, those of us who are. Dark Side. "Satanists" or for matter of distinctiveness: "Luciferians"? At this point I would feel like that legalizing it - as by a snap - wouldn't do too much good. I sure don't feel like we'd just go on and fuck children. Thats ... too sudden. It ... also kindof doesn't make any sense.

As, there - recognizably - is no reason yet to have that. No context. At least not the type of thing that I feel 'we' want. So, just "letting" us ... so ... doesn't sit right with me. On the other hand saying that we want to is true - but - not right away in the way you might think. I think this is a new piece of data on being Unified. There, to me - now more clear than ever - is a means to the end. A way to the goal. So - there is what I/we want - but that is eventually more complicated than not. At least from our "modern" perspective. You might however notice the little nuances that matter for me specifically, ... which cannot be easily generalized. Pedophilia might be an umbrella term, but so is Snuff, Slavery, ... and such ... and all that does somehow come together - and - as with cooking, ... sometimes the amount of ingredients is key to a tasty meal. 80% mayo and 2% meal wouldn't make a good sandwich. And we want that environment where we can enjoy ourselves the way ... its supposed to be. Settling for anything less ... would be ... less desirable of course. That is how we can get ... effectively ... darker and grimmer stuff to be legal; But that due to there being an extensive amount of well established (common sense?) knowledge that allows these statements to ... be ... 'real'.

One thing that I have to think about is ... the "double standard" some BDSM folks accuse non BDSM folks of ... where, be it as it may, your own Clarity might amaze you. Not that it has to be sexual - but anyhow - is there that level of things we have to get settled. So - what we all would want is some database whereby individual can offer their personal experiences and respective conclusions to the public eye and therefore informing some crowd of things that in turn create a real idea of all the things that there happen to be - on that plane of reality.

Speaking of Spiritual Anatomy:

What we can certainly all relate to is "the eye". I mean - I have it, I know what it is, what I mean - and I have a hard time imagining that to be however not the case for someone. We can't be that different. So - circle with a dot. Lets just say. Is this accurate? Does it work for you? If not - well - ... that should be interesting!

So are we then eventually speaking of clarity - something we all should agree on "popped" like out of nowhere, underneath or within everything we thought was possible - and then is there on a level as intimate to us as we never could have imagined. So we all know that intimate sphere that we so get to call 'clarity' - which is where God does His thing of being with us. From our deepest insides we're built up towards/within a Character that we resonate with .... thus gaining something of a cognitive body through which we experience our 'beyond-ish' (esoteric) existence in the "beyond-ish" (esoteric) community. Which is where God does what he does when supporting our communications through physics. We speak = what speaks? It is our body that generates the sound - and we do not know how it does that. We just do it. We learned how to move our cognitive issues into our body - generating that which we so desire. Uttering a single sound from 'wanting' to utter them, down to mimicking more complex tunes. What we grow to through God generating a plane of physical existence for us that exists between God and ones self and thus not for anyone else, ... is however perceived by God and as real as a knowledge through which He can compare our individual selves to all the others that grow up in that space. We are sotospeak connected through a spiritual plane - and where that isn't God its one of Gods creations. Like our own established link to our Body.


It becomes noticable at some point - but again its ... something totally unthunk of ... that emerged like out of nowhere. That because as we grow we grow to a deeper and deeper understanding of the world we entered - and certain things require certain depths of insight - and that can ultimately not be forced/sped-up artificially.


But before I get too wound up in this, ... while I could so continue a dark cloud takes shape at the horizon, ... and however it begins by something resonating with who/what I am ... and me starting to feel uncomfortable about it. I lack the answer to combat this whatever there so "bends itself around me" - but it feels wrong. The answer eventually comes in identifying the individual who claims that part of me that is resonating. There I then clearly see that part of me which is resonated with attaching to someone, leaving that which started to resonate into me as nothing I have to that way synergize/agree with. And that in and of itself is a battle. Its a thought, ... a part of my mind that determines how I think or feel about myself ... and there are so thoughts trying to get in that are opposed by another set of thoughts - and however which way I believed it I'd make it for myself.

Thats what I dislike about passivity inducing media. The Bible is one thing. You read through it - sotospeak - whereafter it speaks for itself. Well, kindof. Its there. Its something. And after some time, ... that just is. Interactive and New Media and sorts however keeps the ball moving, ... we move from A to B to C to A. Well - whenever movies or trailers do that ... well, its a hit or miss thing. It can be done right, I think - but generally I hate it when the entire hype is in the flow and all the movie is generally doing 'well' is that everything is constantly moving and in some dynamic flow that leaves 'nothing' to me but sitting there and drooling, ... effectively.

Thinking of Video Games ... I have to think of Horizon : Zero Dawn, as a good example of an Open World experience. One of the few Open World experiences I have. There is the GTA type of thing which can be fun. Jumping into some random savestate and maybe doing some missions and eventually just aimlessly cruising around. On the other end there is the RPG environment whereby there still basically are missions (stuff to do) and the cruising around bit - but within an RPG there also comes progression in terms of Levels. So - parts of the world may be inaccessible. Artificially so, maybe. In Horizon that isn't so much the case. Once finishing the first part of the story, which is ... well, there is only one area that is locked off and that is pretty much the larger part of the map. It comes in three stages. First there is the village, ... then its vicinity, and then the rest - and the game does a great job of conveying that. So, you always basically know stuff about the next bigger area you enter that gives you a sense of understanding the Character even. In the beginning while everything is still new there are a few basic things to master - "fetch some fire canisters" - which is the games way of telling you to hunt down some Machines that carry those things - but doing nothing to help you doing that. All there is is the games intro tutorial. Then you are sent on your mission - You're allowed to enter the wild ... and you have a simple goal ... marked on the map. So, all you got to do is move up a significant stretch of the map - and thats where you would play around getting yourself a mount, hunting down some materials and doing some side-quests or finishing some challenges. The two things in mind here are a sense of direction and a lack of directions. Once you're allowed into the first big area, outside of Motherheart, you're basically still bound to the plot of the story to so unlock access to the rest of the Map - but there nonetheless is still a lot of stuff that can be done. It basically lets you loose - which is what you wanted all along - but if you want all of it there is this task that you still have to complete. For the rest of the game you're pretty much free to roam around - but certain bits are still tied to you completing the story. Its pretty linear in that one thing leads to another - but yet the way from A to B is generally an open challenge; In that it takes you further into the wilds. It keeps you moving, but not to the price of being perfectly on rails. Well - it doesn't just let you loose either. It wants you to have that amount of participation in its events ... that you're for the time being ... interactively involved with it. It asks you to this and that - things that eventually are 'required' and therefore "bog standard" - although, what do you do if the only mount nearby is ... a bit more tricky to hack? Well - anyhow - but you're still travelling the wild, fighting machines and mobs, ... with lots and lots of stuff to do and find in-between.

When it comes to movies - Mad Max : Fury Road comes to mind. It wasn't everyones thing, ... but its one "hell of a ride" that takes you through a lot of different shit where a lot is left up to the viewer to fill out. Not asking too much, ... but relating to the Characters mostly on behalf of their actions rather than their words; While being all in all given/left little time to breathe, but that time is there at all.

Resident Evil : Retribution on the other hand side can be pretty stressing to get through. But once you got some weed on your hand time to let yourself be immersed - its pretty decent. It has its little sub-plots and resulting circumstances and plot-twists - an actually rather complex situation at whole that is just minimalistically attached to the Resident Evil movies that came prior (by dropping the protagonist into a completely isolated sphere) so that one does not only not have to know a lot of them, but also has to catch up to stuff that hasn't been introduced anywhere. Well ... except for minor details that then don't really stand out in the whole. I guess it even throws some stuff in, pretending it had happened.

And why not? Its called "switching off" for a reason. Whatever works for you.

The switching off here comes through the deliverance. Its not mind-numbingly stupid - its just, ... providing stuff to you without you doing anything for it - except, as in a video game for instance, the moving from A to B bit.


All we essentially need is a bit of time here and there - provided you have the right aid to help you from here to there - and help you to put that time to the right use, ... most importantly.


The ideology itself thus is basically about saying that we believe that we can be "this open". And that maybe mostly because God is putting us to it. I mean - its not like we have much of a choice here. Which can be taken as a good thing. That so by putting us to things we wouldn't dare to admit. As - ... you have no choice other than to acknowledge that there are people that have my perception of things. And now you're supposed to judge us, or come up with a solution, ... like, ... can't we just let it go?

Its the part where you most certainly have no choices. Like physics, ... or concrete, ... . I can't change what my Clarity is - nor would I want to. Thats ... I guess a part of it. Why it is what God imposed as it. For the most part its none of your business - its then within its own logic that it here and there 'desires to connect to official terms' - . And thus the ideology is that God knows us the best and that with Him we can be free.


... to be continued?

ShitgateFundamental/Empirical

Posted by Nicole Tue, January 16, 2018 10:51:43


[SJW vs. Anti SJW showtime, the One Truth, the Empirical Way, Outlook]


So, there goes my Showertime. No, seriously! I was about to take a shower - (right after I got up at around 8:15) - but was somehow held back. Actually my plan was to go into Ark, ... then maybe take a break and then get back into it. I had a bunch of stuff on mind to write about it too - so I wondered. However - what finally got my ... "ink boiling" ... is a different thing. Its due to a flyer I once had in my mailbox and had kept for some reason. At the time it surprised me ... that I would find such a thing in my mailbox. The things the flyer addressed ... well ... seemed weird, ... strange to me.

I felt as heavily on the side of those that dispensed those flyers, ... while very well at first glance noticing already that the thoughts this flyer was rallying against were on my own agenda. So, in essence, this turns out to be an "Anti-SJW (or we shall see) essay" - but not in tune of the YouTube scene of SJW and Anti SJW, ... but in response to German politics.


A recent episode of TJ-Kirk however also highlights this issue from a different angle. Thereby responding to Donald Trump referring to other countries as "Shithole Countries"; And TJ takes a somewhat pro Trump-ish stance in being Triggered by the emotional news anchors shedding some tears. It is this that tunes into what got me concerned today, as I was reading through this flyer again.


The flyer is titled 'Gender Mainstreaming' and it ... basically takes a stance against "Anti Homophobia" measures that are (to be?) introduced into our educational system starting within Kindergarten. The way the flyer puts it, our Kids are thereby to learn about Masturbation by the age of 4 (0 to 4), Masturbation and Homosexuality by 6; Sex, birth control and Lust by 9, Gender orientation by 12 and everything about Sex by 15.

Well, ... what caught my attention initially is round about this - where I got a sense of ... what I was thinking/writing-of at around that time but sortof on overdrive. I got a sense of some people realizing the truth of what I was saying (and since I'm not a part of it I got to be suspicious) - but doing so in "their ways" ... where what I would fear is that they would do it in a way that would squeeze some controversy into it - and sure not leaving out those handles to ... benefit of those things otherwise.

You know, like Feminists wanting that them 'claiming' that they got raped should suffice for a guy to get locked away.

Like: "No, we can't just have gender-equality and tolerance, ... "it sells well" ... so we should look to squeeze some bullshit into it". Oh yea, which reminds me: How SJWs and ANtichristians link together: Youth. Well - "stupid bitches" sotospeak, that have the "mental assets" to turn ANtichristian to begin with - getting a chance at twisting some knobs in society. And because Antichristians are so Tolerant because Christians are ... its a shtick ... its ... so. However in my mind.

I fear they have some handles within the gaming industry, ... "duh" ..., and the whole issue whether or not SFV should be as Sexualized as it is or not ... still floats around. I myself, full disclosure, was - before I was opened up to the "Sexual Interpretation (of everything)" - pretty Mormon, ... thus ... sortof leaning towards non-sexualized outfitting. It was a feeling, but ... sometimes I act in conflict with myself. The point is that once I draw stuff I generally get a "deeper feeling" of what I'm doing, ... uh, ... stuff like ... sometimes the stuff feels 'polished' ("glossy") - and other times rough ... somewhat not right. Its a feeling I associate to some "on paper bullshit" of mine. Its hard to explain. Lets just say it appeared sortof pale and rubbish - yet I could not react to it. As anyhow - sometimes I would try really hard to do something and yet get such a feeling, ... thus not entirely knowing what to make of it.
Anyway ... I do not know what drove me - yet it is inevitable that I here do conflict to myself and were you to say that my first oppinion counts ... ooough, ... well. Lets just say ... what can I say?


I don't mean to rush this.
Reiterating on the past ... shouldn't be of any meaningful substance. Matter of fact what I do every time I write something is that I re-evaluate what I had thunk 'on the spot'. You could say: Thats why I'm here. Because I looked through the flyer today, found that I related differently to it than I did before ... thus thinking: "Oh, well - thats strange" and therefore now 'attempting' to make some sense of it by writing. Which is why you should maybe consider writing a diary. Or something. Writing helps with thinking. Having your thoughts written out helps you to reflect on your thoughts much better. You sotospeak can't escape that which has been made manifest.

Thats my experience at least. Based on a Mormon ... 'guideline'.


"But how to be sure?". Well - I was sure of a few other things back in the days that went in the opposite direction of un-sexualizing stuff. Before I sent that stuff out I had already been open to the idea of for instance using the "classic" Costumes. I don't know what went wrong with me - but the core issue to me yet is that they 'deny me' - whoever 'they' are - that I have no position to talk for myself other than by these remote means ... so I guess we wanted them to have those victories.

How to be sure? Certainly not by building foundations on whimsical ideas. Stuff I maybe utter as something of a possibility. To me - my growth in regards to Street Fighter is very indicative of this. I was doing that stuff because I used to be a Street Fighter fan, ... somehow; While not having played it a lot since a) My parents forbade us to play those 'violent games' while we could - and then we had Nintendo Consoles rather than Sony ... and thus not much of a chance to play Street Fighter. On the PC I ... - but I never really had a handle to the deeper mechanics of the game until I was inspired to search for a Street Fighter 4 Tutorial once I had a chance to get into 'that'.
And what Street Fighter is to me now is roughly "that much more" than what it used to be. And in short: Street Fighter is "on the edge" gaming. Its ... what happens with games once players get their hands on them eventually. Like Speedrunning. Playing the game as "hard" as possible, ... gameplay wise. Like, ... in Super Metroid there is the thing that when the Avatar gets hit it bounces back. Some Speedrunners employ this mechanism to get a speed boost in various instances by facing the opposite direction they want to move into and allowing themselves to get hit. So do moves in Street Fighter have a startup, active and recovery time - counted in 'frames' - and how many frames a move takes determines how often you can punch for instance. Or, ... how soon you can start moving or blocking again. As a noob, especially as choosing to main Rose, this was really the beast to conquer. The, ... when can I move ... when should I not attack so I can move, ... stuff.
But none of that was part of those designs. "Duh" ... . Would those people have had "reason"/faith - they would have given me the benefit of the doubt, given me some crash-course and things would have been fine! But years of real-life experience are arguably better.

Anyhow.

I'm getting this weird "rubbish paper" feeling right here ... in a different way though? One part of me perceives it as what public belief/opinion is "made to be" like. I 'suppose' that it is "them" trying to push some 'bad feelings' into your perception. And ... thats why none of my designs ever gained a lot of attention. Its the same thing like "the Prequels not being "Star Warsy" enough". Or wondering: "Aren't the sequels the most Star Warsy thing possible?". So, I suppose this Star Wars "controversy" is ... an inch we gained back here.

And non-sexual Costumes still work in Street Fighter!
Of course, being a Whore, ... I would change my stance on that somehow. But my stance on what was done to SFV - well - it came from an Arts "producing" standpoint, ... not a socio-political one. It turns into that because thats where its coming from ... but anyhow.


Well, reading through that flyer today however, ... gave me a totally different impression. Now it were the harshly ... homophobe expressions therein that turned me off. I guess I glossed over those because I pretty much expected those. I was pitched against what they were rallying against, ... not on their turf though. For instance is it emphasized that these educational concepts have vastly been designed by 'lesbian feminists'. Something about "social constructs". Well, here's two paragraphs, ... showing what got me upset initially:

""Sexual Diversity" in the educational plan doesn't want to enlighten, but to distinctively support early sexuality. Already for Kindergarten Kids there are Gender-Mainstreaming-Concepts, so that smallest ones already "question" their gender and learn of various sexual practices. So ware severe Personality disorders being preprogrammed - and that is politically even wanted.

Examples? Pantomime-Games, whereby terms such as "Porno", "coming too early" or "Groupsex" are displayed. Kids are to construct a "Brothel for all", wherein in each room different sexual practices are offered for Money. Kids are to purchase Sex-Toys by auction, make a drivers license for the Condom or investigate on gay Internet Portals - as homework!"

Sounds pretty absurd - to me at least - and that still today. So I wondered: Is this for reals?


What struck me the most is how these ways of "supporting my logic" though - as however anticipated - entirely throws the whole Clarity/Unification stuff out of the window. Or, ... considering the innocence of a Child maybe. So, being 'authoritarian' rather than 'investigative' - in the sense of ... understanding as an adult what the kid wants and reacting to that in co-operation with its parents being what I'd want, ... . Which also requires a social change ... which SJWs it seems want to kindof ... enforce. And this is how this article ultimately spins into the Anti-SJW direction for good.

I mean, thats the point - its the same 'pragmatic flaw' as with Utopia. Kids will grow up into the society that 'is' - and teaching them of tolerance within a vastly intolerant society - isn't really going to change our society. What those things will accomplish however, thats what I'm convinced of, is that the tolerance our societies already 'breed' will be acquired ... but so also the intolerance.

And so, lets ... look at 'Chris Ray Gun' for instance. He would strike me as that type of guy that those which were to support this Gender Mainstreaming/pro-Tolerance evolution would want their kids to become like. 'Woke', 'bright', ... 'reasonable' ... but I'm sure he didn't grow up that way.

That is why I like to keep the focus on what matters. What I think has the true chance of transforming our society; ANd that by giving each and everyone a chance and a practical way of changing themselves. That should set examples that the maturing youth would eventually need to grow into and learn of as well. Which is diversely different to Christian indoctrination and authoritarianism.


I guess its only fair that God here and there vastly exists in the 'evil' that is depicted within Motion Picture. Smith, the Architect, ... the Walking Dead, ... well ... give or take. I can look at Batman vs. the Joker either way. I can find myself on the side of Negan as on the side of Rick. Well, there is the clear Antagonism that needs to be blurred out of course. Although once its just man vs. man - or issue vs. issue, down the principles ... well - if all is just window-dressing you can as well dress it either way. Which, digging deeper, could be considered the "flaw" of the side of the Good Guys. There is 'no end' to be had - the show must go on - hence they are lost in the eternal struggle. Without spiritual unity there will never be real unity - and thats where most Heroes have the "Magic Plot Rod" going for them. This doesn't 'say' that the Zombies are the good guys - sure. But thats not what I'm trying to say here. What I try to say is that if you were to look at the Zombies as the Good guys/Christians, you can see that they are all pretty united in their actions, "agnostic" about Life and certainly ... "reborn" ... as slowly taking over the world; While the 'living' have petty arguments that divide them.

To further say that there is this 'veil of antagonism' that surrounds me. Whether its natural or because the ... "emotionally more dominant person/entity" twists it so be secondary. And that is something you should be able to step through; And yet the only way to properly do that - which is that of not falling for the 'evil' you perceive - is by the Truth. Only if you in truth stand on that side can you defend yourself as a part of it. And if your truth were fundamentally different to mine, we couldn't stand together.

Easy! Like you get all 'that' good stuff ... just from "here"; Where the others need to find ways to circumvent 'those' threads. Finding some way of blocking the only way to the truth out of your sight, ... finding 'reasons' and stuff that 'tell' why "this" side here is wrong. Things that totally bypass your personal Link to the divine 'except' of course you follow their guidelines, which involve 'not' doing certain things "because" - I would have similar reservations about your endeavors to find the truth. I would exhort you to pray to God, ... and right away could spot some "buts" or ... "good/better advise" - like, maybe try to make sure that you're reaching 'THE' Most High, ... or, ... trying to be principally bent on addressing 'HIM' rather than your own interpretation of God. I suppose thats as much of Freedom you'd get from them. That they would "allow" you to pray 'once' you have established for yourself which God you worshiped 'by ideology'. Because "duh" - if you're ideologically not in touch with "the God" you might as well rather not be with 'that' God to begin with. And to 'lecture' you what 'that' God is - thats what they are there for. "Go figure!"?
Well, its different to making way for your ideology being flawed - and thats what I am here for, I guess. And thats why there is a lot of stress between these sides based on ... talking. Talking of ideology. I say freedom and clarity and they go and find all the possible badness those beliefs entail.
Still my advise is to go for 'THE most High' - period. So you'll know who is who and you'll learn of His ideology from Him. If you can get that going for yourself - you know God. Personally. Intimately. If I were to take that away from you - I would sortof say that God couldn't be that specific to you individually. But sure ... "the more you know". And 'that' is what I am here for.

I'm not looking for my own. I rather believe that if you're looking for the Truth, you'll find 'my' God and therefore I will be looked after.

And along those lines can you find what were to matter to me were you to approach me. If you couldn't convince me of your faith - that is: If I so happened to be in doubt about you being there in Truth - that would be what it is. I would have to remain skeptical and might foresee an unhappy ending. I don't want to feel responsible for your spiritual wellbeing! I don't want you to depend on me. I want you to be there on your own, for yourself - so we both could benefit of each other; And I wouldn't be shoehorned into the(/a) leadership position (that I'm not fit for).


So, sure. Getting into this I was sortof afraid that I would end up on the SJW side here. As for that - I can certainly see why what they do seemed right. 'Pushing a progressive agenda' would help "impregnating" our society the way that 'evil' has done. Makes sense! That is assuming that this evil did so - and that the good had nothing to say meanwhile. Which isn't how it works/looks for me. What evil 'has' is power. But the people inhabiting this world - we, that are supposed to fight the good fight, are there as are the others. Here I refuse to draw a simple good vs. evil line anyhow. And you can "see" in Gods actions that He was cautious to not do so either. To set us up for this stage of neutrality. Why else 'confusion'? The Babel incident - at the very least - is a 'clean' cut separating us from our Origins; Introducing this Mystery surrounding our Origins; Making it difficult if not impossible - as much as reasonable I guess - to ever find unity on base of those type of ideas.

But so things get a bit clearer. Trump is only there to be the Moron so these SJWs can further push their agenda; While the way how Christians are presented in media is just the same - a clear setup to show them how stupid they are and so, yea, that kindof looks like a plan.

And no plan would set me up as the bad guy better. That I by principality must resist their progress.

So I guess I don't have to spend a lot of time getting into any of "the good" that these SJW efforts entail - its a non-issue while any "alliance" there might be between their points of view and mine ... well, suggesting that they are on my side and not on their own, is severely misguided.
I mean, thats ... my personal struggle with their issues. The question of whether or not we're secretly on the same side. The idea that they are trying to work towards the same goal as me - in a secret alliance with me - that I so should take a side with them. But thats not how it works. I mean - I'm not here to dispense "buddy tokens". If I speak well of TJ and such - I'm adapting their talking points to the extent I agree with it - and that so happens to be this general stance of skepticism towards this SJW nonsense. This SJW nonsense is a huge part of the phantom menace that I have been prepared to be prepared for.
The general idea of stuff that is like what I say, but in certain areas severely different because they don't have Unification. They don't have God. They might be able to sneak you into getting some Testimony and out again - but that only after indoctrinating you. Brainwashing you to stick to a very specific guideline - which on my side exists within the boundaries of 'what' gets you into the Ninefold. So, the 12 Aeons, ... and the prayer. 2 Conditions. That knowledge. That basic ... most basic Knowledge Universal throughout the Cosmos. Knowledge that is no Knowledge prior to your Unification - and turns into Utmostly Perfect certainty thereafter.

It doesn't matter from where you come - all that matters is God. Knowing the basics that are there to be known - allowing you to "breathe" that information and 'tune' your mind to its meaning - and if at the very least just to grasp those concepts of what God is; To then based on that make individual, independent experiences with that Entity.


So, the "Seal" (of the 13) to get started with maybe has to be the 7th. Independence. Once you gained Independence and from there finally grow into a holistic understanding of the Eightfold - there is (should be) only God who could convince you of Himself. God should be your standard for judging me, my friends and my enemies - the "mirror" through which you reflect upon this world ... yada yada.

It should however get you suspicious if you 'realize' someone else trying to fiddle around with your own intimate knowledge of the God. At the very least so when trying to tell you stuff that isn't inherently empirical. So - things you don't have a clear foundation for to even establish that thought. If I tend to do so, you should still be able to trace it back to the basics - and at all start there; Ignoring whatever I said for the time being.


But how is that going to evolve once more and more join this side? Isn't some kind of ... "social pressure" inevitable and the whole point therefore ... pointless? Well - think about it: Where does it start? And how does it continue? If we started on a flawed foundation - how certain could we be about where we ended? On the other hand, if we start on the right foundation - we there at least have that. Then we still got to fight for it - and what will our talking points be? By the time we've gotten this shit "over the hill" - it should be as public of an issue that a simple majority should be born from those 'empirical' right true unflawed concepts - at all. There is that - where the other side to 'that' is that we were the majority, the 'ruling party', the "social norm", ... and we would still say the very same things to your young ones to get them prepared. The worse that could happen is that they'd get it wrong and thus being not able to get into the Ninefold - that maybe because there is no sense of seriousness around this issue. Maybe thats what will happen ... 1000 years after. That so the society as of them will find itself incapable of guiding their Youth to the Tree of Life - because whatever - even so we see it coming, ... thus they have something of an argument we then can't argue against ... and then what? Who knows? Who cares? Its all ... just speculation and the only thing that can be told to get it right always - is that fundamental truth that works always, universally, throughout the Cosmos. And what else should we be learning about to begin with?

You are the center of your own Universe - and if you can't attach it to the truth - you'll be sucked into darkness. Period.