My Blog

The Case of proper Education (1)General Stuff

Posted by Nicole Thu, November 08, 2018 21:05:19

I love it when scientific stuff can be explained Logically. AND so I want to establish the concept of the "first Rule of Logic" as being this: The easier the verbal configuration is to understand - the better". So that the simplicity becomes measure to quality. The point is this: Whence we grow, there is this that what once has been technical and complicated may one day appear in all simplicity. Like, ... the meaning of what it means to be grown up and independent - alias: Self-responsible. Well, at least here we do - as I assume that if these things become simpler - thats better too. So I love to come back to the "parable of the Good old Times" - where I like to introduce a Hunter and how the Craft got traditioned from one Generation to another. The tradition in this is nothing mythical, but simple a convergence between life and relevance. Hunting was required to bring food to the table. Or farming. Food is always a valuable ressource - so there will always be someone taking care of it.
Germany now has a shortage of Teachers - and if I were to blame our Educational System - I'd have to criticize it for having become too distant to the pupil. The pupil is treated like a Lab-Rat, or ... "Lemming", maybe "Zergling" ... the end to which is the also as "Poison Paper" referred to "Testimony" (so the literal translation of what we have as paper that contains our annual (or bi-annual) performance grades. With them the "Lemming" is then to go out and look for what niche he finds to fall into. And maybe the challenge of creating a good Educational System is after all similar to the challenge of winning a game in Lemmings - the game.

But more-over do I think that another problem with teachers is that there so need to people that have the desire to pass on knowledge to the next Generation. And in times where the split of the Generations is really dramatic - there's a gap of understanding and respectively evolving sympathies and grievances. The "Hip and New" attracts the "newer Models" and gives them a space to then even escape the elder generation. And this can also go on through Generations - where the "Escapist" is then no longer "Escaped" since there's a cultural bridge where else there would be just confusion. But still I realize that I don't really have a desire to play LoL (League of Legends). I think that LoL is a brand of society that is a younger generation to the "initial" Gamer crowd. The initial Gamer crowd simply emerged as a branch of Fantasy artwork. I think this is the widest definition. Nowadays there also is the opposition that some would call "Casual" Gamers - where some would like to include "CoD" (Call of Duty) and FIFA to that as well. And I think the dissonance comes from the Gap that exists between the Demands of the games that either crowd grew up with. The more Demanding kind of games - the absence of which is really lamented by many - were the first with ... Programming. Then came Arcades ... as the High End of what the Hardware was capable of. As Technology advanced - Programming Techniques and Ressources grew too - and so the complexity of what could be created. So was there the branch of the "old-school" established Arcade - and the ever evolving field of Entertainent Software. So ... PC Master Race? Well, in that case has gaming been Born on the PC, alright, but gaming itself then was its own branch - so that in terms of "Gaming" per-se, it depends on the kinds of Games you like.
And in the pathology to this text you can find something that you can compare to Archaeology. Well - History. And the so far undisputed Chamption: Causality. Everything comes down to a Reason - and in the Realm of Gnosis the ultimate reason to everything is Life. Life that could not be anything but Eternal and Infinite. Respectively does the term 'In-Finity' in this context reveal a sense of 'non finiteness' - so in the sense of "Never Done". That so because of Causality. Each consequence could so in theory converge with any other - yet so there will always be configurations that are yet to come.

So, did the first Insight now have a Start? A moment prior to which "nothing" Existed? And what is it born into? Thats the final question.

So ultimately we can realize that Existence is a mystery of its own - and so we can rationalize that there is a way in which sarcasm could be bad. I mean - Existence ... to be grateful for it ... or not? "It is - and now explain that!".
Hmm ... so how did we get here? "Digging for the Fundamentals".

The Legend of Good SexGeneral Stuff

Posted by Nicole Thu, November 08, 2018 21:04:04

wrong, replace Legend with Theory ...

The idea is this: The Sex I envision as part of my Clarity is ... well ... considerably good. And this goodness also comes in a given quantity. Which one is better doesn't really matter for too little of either is bad. (Simple Multiplication).

... Done! ...

When Love hurtsGeneral Stuff

Posted by Nicole Thu, November 08, 2018 21:02:15

its possibly by thinking of the cherished or cherishable moments - that echo like joy while the lamentation of its absence transforms it into something different.

To not underestimate the AntichristGeneral Stuff

Posted by Nicole Tue, November 06, 2018 16:09:38

Finally I realize that this ultimately turns a really good advise when thinking of it so: That God has given him "quite a punch" (or rather: Bunch of stuff that "might be" above our heads).

Ups and DownsSidestepping

Posted by Nicole Tue, November 06, 2018 15:49:20

[whats up-date]

This is the first time I really come to the end of my sexual phase while I'm still having a bit of dope left. And this is good I guess. Well, so far it has at times been a bit confusing. Clear was to me that I've come into sexual phases often enough even without dope - yet where it those where I had dope that got me on further into it. Not that this process stopped otherwise - but its simply different.
I guess I've been at this point before though - just that I couldn't quite process it properly. Its what I recognized as the inherent flaw with Marijuana after my first few days and weeks in the clinic. That a lot of my problems have come through "bad habitation". So in this sense: I've gotten used - and thats a bit of a mystery puzzle - to being sexual; Or before that however otherwise productive. And when this flow ends - the mind is still prepared to move on as before.

So do changes also come slowly, or suddenly - in ways that I however tend to forget. One time high - work through inspiration. The other time, nothing - just chilling. Then the other time something new - and then it goes on. The new thing becomes habit until I'm back at just chilling. Right now I can't just chill however and I do have this awkward urge within me to do something but I feel like I however can't. Possibly I need to so take this break and write about it.

Maybe it is after all the 'being high' that now prevents me from doing what I wanted to do - though otherwise the primary suggestion stands as that I need to smoke weed in order to really properly do what I got to do. And so in the end the problem is "shifted" on into society. Where or while I got none - there is no 'habituation'. Thats a simple social fact. Because we're all individuals - me too I have my own life even when I'm alone. But while others - I guess - would feel null and void in such situations, I'm used to it. I'm used to spending my time this way.
Just me - yet so are the things I do and believe in practically stuck in this bubble with me. And sure - in the end it makes sense to suggest that both of these circumstances aren't entirely unrelated.

I've also so begun to think about what to tell my future Psychiatrists - to for once reflect upon what I've learned so far and to so give it a meaningful spin into a direction that matters. The point is that now that the end of the stay in this clinic is almost over (last day tomorrow) - I'm not really feeling better or more capable about myself in this life. I'm not even sure if I'm feeling that much better over all. Well, I gained some weight and to keep that up and upgrade to a higher base weight I can keep - thats a pretty tough task for me. Yet things concerning my 'real life' - there's this pressure that just gets me to crumple. Like so I tend to ignore deadlines because I'm somehow paralyzed. It then eventually 'comes to me' the moment its too late. So, the impulse - inspiration - motivation, all that.

And it stands to reason that the real problem with all this are the ties into 'this System' - where I so need to be concerned of repaying the favors that I've received. Where I need to think about how I'm going to contribute to the Society that made it possible that I could have a safety net to catch me. Yet its a little bit - moronic, err. ... ironic - since this 'safety net' practically is the fact that I can live without having to work. And in this situation I find myself in the zone of productivity. But it isn't quite ... right. So I put myself into check by motivating myself to find work - to take that seriously, to at the very least go into that direction and maybe find something. I wasn't demotivated. Earlier. 1? Year ago? No, almost 2 ... . I did what I could, wrote Applications; And there it isn't my fault that they came all back saying no. OK, ... it possibly wasn't 'that' appealing and one could find a fault in there - but the biggest problem is my Curriculum Vitae. I'm 34 and haven't really worked anywhere for more than 3 month except for Civil Duty. Oh, and ... Skyparadise. And for my own interests of course. So have I however been there and I can go back there and hope to find something and maybe I will. But in essence I feel like I'm displacing my own leg there. Shooting myself in the foot. And on one side that is a matter of my Trans-sexualness. That I don't want to enter 'work' and go through transition therein. Well, things change - but after all are there down-times that shouldn't need to be necessary.


A Word on Marijuana - ContinuationGeneral Stuff

Posted by Nicole Sun, October 28, 2018 22:42:22

Bad Childhood experiences? Well, thats why I'm taking it here because that might take a little longer and seems, right now, to be a nice excourse - ... for now. The thing on weed is essentially closed - and I wonder what about it. But in the end its your thing to deal with - and I also want to squeeze out what there is to 'assist you' in this quest.

Well, my sadness in that situation primarily stems from how I experienced my father. By that time I had problems with my Homework. In grades 1 and 2 I ... well, I began doing them with my Grandmother and as I started to become more Independent I realized that I could also just not do them and nobody would realize it. Eventually teachers called home - and that was by fifth grade ... I guess. Well, thats where it started to be problematic because my german teacher was like that. Mr. Simm. I think. Anyhow. But there were also earlier escapades; Essentially we used to "hijack" (stealing is a bit of a bad word when regarding objects that were in our house and so, well, displacing them - eventually I also started to take money and buy stuff from it and yea - that is rightfully called stealing I guess. Our dad used to beat us with the leather belt when ... well, he thought we were really bad. And I know that at some point I started to hide under the bed because I knew I didn't do homework and was afraid that my dad would check for it. He and my teacher had an agreement that the teachers would sign my homework assignments in my book, and my parents would counter-sign it as seen. At some point I started to forge the signature of my dad - and still didn't do homework. Thus I was sent to a school psychiatrist who wanted to find out ... but I don't think got anywhere. All I recall is that I was sent away being told to do better. Eventually my dad took me from that school and put me into a school closer to his working space to have me under more control. In the beginning it worked a little but eventually I could just be out - and not care about it. Perhaps because I had decent grades anyway ... things started to be less of an issue. Or because he and the director where somehow friends? Well, they knew each other.

[...conspiracy theory...]

Some plot thickens - one I ... uh, well. If I think that my family is all a bunch of Antichristians I might also think that they are all involved in some dirty business. Or should - at least to properly reflect on my internal attitude about them. Or Opinion. So, yea, why not. My dad works at the Town Hall and in its ... "building department". So - taking care of construction issues so more on the architect side of things. "Construction Technician".
What I learned from him ... . I learned how to find the center of a sphere using lines and a circle ... err ... compass. I learned that the 'tangent' of a circle is the line that only touches it. So to understand the sentence: "That tangents me just peripherally". I learned that I had a "Lie Bag" inside of me that had to get operated out - and eventually I realized that there is no such thing. And just now it really gets me that this didn't really have a conclusion. Only that I was at a lot of different places I know nothing about. I remember waiting in a Lobby. In front of a Museum. ...

And all of a sudden life was just me and my toys. Then eventually the one and the other Philippin"ian" event - where I learned that my Mother only needs us to look good in front of others. Because all she cared about was that we looked nice - or as she'd think was nice. Or well mannered. And I realized that she only needed us for that, that she wanted us to behave but that I've never really learned it. So that we should be something we're not. That we're only supposed to look nice and smile - and yea, thats that.

Eventually I became tired of those events. I also didn't really know anyone there. There were always different faces, different people - some remained - but the eldest certainly didn't exist sooner rather than later anymore. Marijuana ... I at first tried after High School; And I didn't feel like saying no to it. Like ... as though I deep inside knew that it was good. I was a convinced non-smoker.
I however didn't really get high from it. But it made me curious and in the school after that summer holiday I met some people that made it happen. So, thats where I began to have 'exposure' to it and close enough to 'make it a habit' that I "might pay for". So the interest awakened and soon enough everything around me were just potheads and our ... tangentially periphering surroundings.

And that trend continued after I dropped out of that school and went to the Philippines.

In general I liked to think back and say that I had a nice childhood. I guess that one of the things that I learned throughout that time was that I had it well - "compared to now" - I think. I think. So - I however still understand it - that node of reason has barely changed at all. In all the time. I realized that we had a blessed, ... 'wealthy' ..., life - with lots of luxuries - that others don't have. I come to think about it when thinking about "the kids of today" and how they grow up in environments that are less and less likely to be as 'habitable'. Garden, vast plots of nature, ... storage halls in the house, a garden house, a garage in the storage hall - well, all sorts of toys, a terrace, ... . And my gramps was from Bohemia - which I learned to see through the eyes for nature. Not the biological, but just its beauty [Czech republic].

Now I realize that the way this realization came asks a question about how I got to where I was. Well - I was on my own, ... and eventually - after taking more care thinking about what I actually got - and what others have - and to think about what I wanted - I was grateful about what I had.

Well. To say that I felt alone? I think that ... I was also grateful for my own independence. For what God gave me. I think it came after I really 'felt' independent - or so, put on my own. So eventually I started smoking weed, God was barely an issue, ... and I was more concerned of what I could get. During that period I wanted a Tattoo of Dragon Scales on my right and a Tattoo of Tiger stripes on my left arm. But I also just assumed that I might effort it. And for a point - I couldn't before that time was over.

//tobacco contamination// ... the end?

But anyhow. What I wondered about - I think - is the thing that ... I came to appreciate what I have, after a time where all that didn't really 'do the trick' for me. I guess I basically felt as though God owed me more than what I had. But so I ventured life on my own - and after all it didn't turn out so bad.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaand .... Knock Out!Fundamental/Empirical

Posted by Nicole Thu, October 25, 2018 21:48:18

"Broken Paradise"

Well, ... next in the List of ongoing assumptions of what went wrong - I've come across an interesting bit of thought. So, there is this 'thing' that ... is like a Dead End sign at the end of any hopes of Love. "I can't reciprocate your feelings/emotions". Yea, the right word this time ;).

Yet the thing was or is that I can relate to that position. But I couldn't ... 'really' do it. I could feel 'how' it feels - but not really dig into it. But now I have a theory about it. Short: Its about positions and sides ... and/or such. And I guess thats why one of the first of my responses to her disappointing me was one of betrayal. Well, feeling betrayed by her - as she's so taken a side against mine. But its not that simple. She could even do so without knowing it. I was assuming that someone's gotten her tripping against me - like "He/She is a bad person" etc.. But well.

Long Version: So, there first were feelings that made me confident - they seemed to be mutual and so everything has basically been going rather well. And then something happened. I was probably too slow and so this mutual thing wasn't solid enough just yet so that someone who had a heavier stone in her board could slowly overwhelm her; So giving her something true and furthermore ... bonding. We could say that it probably just happened - and 'it' even might not - but so whatever had bonded her to me lost significance; And or relevance.

So then the situation was that she had to somehow get rid of me - and that is where this 'weird' time happened. I was already in a bad mood, pissed, ... and ... confused. I was looking at it the wrong way. Whatever happened would to me look like a glowing hand on a vastly black canvas. It holds her - while on the other end my hopes were that she'd realize the bond between us; And so here and there she looked at me - or well, simply reacted to me in general - seemed to support that. I gave her a letter then - and already she didn't care enough. She couldn't. I guess we could compare the situation to the 'lack of concentration' symptom of a depression. There was what she had - then there was something else she could have - and a lack of the tools to solve her conflict she couldn't really enjoy it. This is now suggestion. Else she could have simply been like "... whatever ...". So - speaking of tools. She most likely had all the tools to get rid of me - and ultimately the result was that she did. But in the situation, this isn't the only way to that outcome. Assuming there was a conflict means that while she had the tools to solve it one way; That solution wouldn't work for her - but in the meantime there was very little to take it the other way.
So she gave it back to me - and then thought that it was over. That she's got rid of me. I would think that this 'getting rid of me' thing was practically supported. Its a thought 'they' like and so due to their blowing it became bigger. And while it might not be lot at large - I think its still there somewhere at the bottom of it all.

So we get to the next situation, where I asked her to talk with me and she was like "No, you certainly don't have to talk to me". There's a lot going on at that point however. Because - in some way this response would be ... most and utterly inconceivable. Well. After she told me to fuck off - (via the letter that is) - she simply did what she had to to protect what she has and is real to her. And probably helped her counter her Schizophrenia. While she couldn't solve the conflict there so were lots of reasons to do something - and that 'act' I'd say can be compared to any "sortof stupid" thing we do and aren't sure about. Like me giving her the letter. She so sought to end it - not realizing the scope of what she has in me (and I don't mean the persona. I mean 'the Love'. The kind of Love it is. Thats where I simply "win" due to Experience) - and from there on all that it did was to act against her decision. It was a conscious decision - its ... like when cloth flips over, or folding a sheet of paper. When you then bend it perpendicular to the fold, you can't easily unfold it. The Love is like a wind, or the shore, trying to unfold the paper - but her decision is the bending; And so she then would be more fiercely counter-react. So a lot of things that I had hoped in did probably become meaningless. That so because in process of living her decision, certain things simply could not exist because they would work against it. Like so the idea that it could be 'that' true Love. It would tell her that she did something wrong - and I believe it wakes up in her every now and then - and well, "Denial is the most predictable of all human responses".

So in essence we can compare this then to a cable salad. "If this then that" while the 'plane of equilibrium' on which everything is settled isn't right. So things that can be straight are twisted through one another; And yea - all for the sake of ... not believing that the current state is a farce.

To solve this - well. There are ways - most likely. Uh, err ... . Oh yea. I almost forgot. At first she was happy to see me and then all of a sudden its been the opposite. Maybe. Maybe she hoped that we at least wouldn't grow mad at each other. And I'm upset that she just ... threw me out like that. Could it be ... ? One of the Doctors was ill that day our date was supposed to happen and the substitute Doctor had a different schedule so that came in-between; And the next Monday: -Access Denied-. Fate?
However - its a thing that she in my mind 'owes' me. But in her life it can't have any relevance.

But be it as it may. The point with 'sides' is this, that ... . Well, I firstly rationalized that 'there is no reciprocation'. Not of feelings anyhow. At all! Its not ever about that. If it is about that - something is wrong. And in deed this formulation is a symptom of the underlying problem already. We don't Love by feelings. I didn't want her to reciprocate - most obviously because to me the whole thing has already been mutual - I wanted her to spend time with me. There was nothing to reciprocate we could say; But well ... the Love. The interest. And that she 'couldn't' reciprocate because ... that was explained above. In her heart she so is invested in a condition that takes her away from me. And the thing with sides and positions comes in and reveals that there 'is' a right and a wrong. In the 'right' Sphere things shouldn't come to conflicts like that. Maybe we could think of a all white sphere/room wherein all our issues are discussed in timelessness from where we then take a balanced rational stance. A thing we don't have as all the previous items show. Or otherwise she would certainly have difficulties entering a sphere where my view of things rules. And in that state it'd be true for her to say that she doesn't Love me - but in that state this is a regard to express an absence of expected emotions. On the other hand she should find that she doesn't 'not' want to spend time with me.

But well. The thing mainly is this: If she would let go of everything and look for the center of her peace - the conflict thickens as there were two possible outcomes at least and thus her biases matter. Since she can basically tell that she's attracted to me, she can foresee that consequence at a given point and then is confronted with her biases that would suggest that the other path is right/true. But so what I mean is to ignore relationships and focus on the 'right' side/thing. And in disregard of ideologies, ... its ... hmm - I've lost the focus but I'd say its down to a more vague "where I want to be" type of thing. If she so argues that fate would have to fiddle us together again - "fate" could in the same argue that she should be pulled back to where she was/is if 'that' is the true/right way. And its not even much. Just a short moment.

And what do we learn?

That sometimes we have to 'do' the right thing. Because otherwise - we won't. By that I mean to point out, that eventually we're asked to assume certain things and the more we are dragged into a reality where this assumption is considered as a fact we forget that there wasn't anything to confirm that assumption. For instance. Thats similar to what happened after I chose to go out as a Woman. All doubts I've had - no matter how strongly they held me or how severely they scared me - were wiped away and so I started to feel a lot better.
Its like a seesaw; And what concerns us are like marbles.

Blog imageBlog imageBlog image

Outside of this - I'm even more confused since more and more ... all the signs that used to tell me that nothing good is ever going to happen to me have changed. "All signs/lights are on Green". And here a picture of this ... "underwear" (broken glass lingerie) - although what you're looking for are the cyan "tattoos". Its different - but takes more to the eye than just a bunch of lines.

And here, the Definition of 'demon':
Blog imageA concept of thought and wanting that requires an individuals Life to be considered an Entity. An individual “possessed” by a Demon is in itself considered a Demon (/Demon Entity) as it (the Demon) completely overrides the Individuals thought and wanting as by Design.

Happy, so Happy!!!Fundamental/Empirical

Posted by Nicole Tue, October 23, 2018 16:58:05

Well. I'm in a relatively good mood concerning my all-over average the recent time. And that so concerning the times since I started to feel better. In a weird way I'd call it the climax so far - although it isn't necessarily 'that' Highest peak. Well, in a lot of ways this is basically of delusions or illusions. And I think that from the perspective of Unification in regards to non-Unified comprehension. It is true ... err ... right ... to compose the idea from it that the states of Unification, concerning the Force, are comparable to delusions, or illusions. Self created ones. Well, the thing is that God sits deeep in our minds. To draw a comparison: If we compared ourselves to Planets, the crust being our physical appearance maybe, probably, the mantle would be this place between mind and body - well. We need to be flexible and mind the real spectrum as opposed to getting stuck on which Layers our Planet truly has; But at some point there is the 'core' - to say: What everything else "sits"(/rests) upon. So rather as the rock upon which there's soil upon which there grows grass. Its not to be understood as a Force that acts 'through' us - as though hands reached into our minds. Its more so at the bottom ... "of the essence" ... of each and every thought that we produce as much as at the bottom of ourselves.

So, the point is that whatever happens in our psyche is just in part a matter of our surroundings. Simple story: We have a new fellow patient and he's got some Tourette-esque condition where he says 'shit' all the time. So in Relaxiation today everything was silent and at some point a silent "shit" came from somewhere in the room - and I had to laugh really hard. But I was the only one I heard that payed any attention to it. But as I couldn't stop myself from laughing and so silently laughing while trying to suppress it - others started laughing a little as well. So - the point is that we didn't react all the same. It now would seem that others had the same tendency to laugh about it inside - but my mind was in a state where it found that ludicrously funny.

And strong emotions so are things that eventually break through. That so in comparison to others that didn't have the same urge - or not to that extent - had something else going on in their minds that simply flowed into a "vaguely" different direction at that point.

So I get to say what I wanted to say, that certain Highs that I've had were probably just ... "empty Daydreams". Hope that eventually got crushed. And it reminds me of my first "Psychotic Love Interest" - though the strong emotions rather made me cry. It is as that the realization that my mind tried to Ignore inevitably confirmed a different reality. But at that point my mind was bent against that, by being interested in "elsewhat", from which perspective the 'true fire' (???) appeared as saddening. And since I've had some ... and the emphasis is on the plural ... experiences where it made me cry from joy. But the other time I don't know anymore whom I was thinking about, but I remember writing of it. There's a feeling of relief - a point sitting deep inside me that craves for compassion; And so the 'dream' that she'd say she Loves me - in a way that suggested to me that it was real - basically vented my hopes into joy. But ... this is not ... "pure Relief". This is a term to keep in mind now, as it is what this is mostly going to be about. As anchor point - something that we can commonly relate to. I would say that I have 'heard' it from others also. This 'sigh'. It comes out often during Depression Group, relatively, where I think that these are moments where our minds overcome a certain problem of ours. Sitting in Depression Group, well, ... it first of all is labeled 'Psycho-Education'. So, "PE Depression". There we learn of the causes and symptoms and ... from it I understood that these conditions are in deed taken seriously. And I have the impression that many people that end up there are at first unaware - not knowing that there are others that feel the same or even worse. And as a little insight, there's the 'Stress-Vulnerability-Resource' Model. Leaving Resources aside, the thing is that when Stress and Vulnerability reach a certain tipping point, things start to go downward. Thats accounted for in a spiral of doom. Negative thoughts feed negative emotions feed negative actions. Like withdrawal. And Vulnerabilities are part of our individuality. Thats my add. And eventually stress bypasses our vulnerability thresh-holds - and then we still have resources to handle it. Basically the problems so are there but our minds can still counter-react those things eventually. But when these then break away, we 'do not' have any resources to then 'fight' what is already 'actively draining' - and so Therapy is also a lot about providing the necessary resources to get back up.

And so there are these moments - and they don't even need to contain a strong conscious element. I usually felt somewhat void - but in that void also relatively ... good. Or not negative. The ... 'peace of the living' maybe. And that in itself came as a condition that just made me deeply sigh and it feels just ... good. Cleansing. It doesn't mean that everything is good again, but its a "bed" - basically - to fall into for the moment and take a deep breath as to see the way ahead ... not directly and more just like ... not filled with anything 'depressing'. Nothing that 'burdens' the heart. Whatever. Anyhow.

But that now didn't suffice to make me happy. Not at all. But so - there was the ... 'liberation' that I've written of previously; And so just yesterday I've somehow come back to it - but the experience was entirely different. As I've wondered about the "proposed knot" between Light and Dark people I also have at some point come across a Diagram. But it didn't fully make sense to me yet. I reflected a Lot, but missed to grow the path towards the way God now supported it. Or 'would' support it.

So I've come to lay down in my bed and ... somehow I found myself able to fully ... lean back ... into my clarity - effectively. And none of the concerns that I've previously had bothered me anymore. And I think I even can point a finger on the pivotal moment from which on this became possible. As outlined in one of my previous pictures, is there the issue of 'normality' in terms of an emotional state as opposed to an ideological one. This transition from a non-sexual vision into a kinky one that was part of the same emotion it became clearer to me that a lot of my "stuckings" are simply ... well, we could say "cramped" parts of my mind.

In regards to Marie I gathered one pivotal truth. And maybe whom I love there is just a placeholder - and if its not but she still doesn't Love me - its probably because she hasn't uncovered that part of her mind yet that would. In those moments images of individuals that I had on my list appeared to me and showed them in a way that related to me the way I understood it from Clarity, with the emotion that I associate to "their essence" "in tact" ... err ... so, confirming itself, just so in a way that showed them as different from 'their Norm'. So, "Lady Samantha" to me appeared one way, emotionally I recognized her another - but the two became one nonetheless. Now is there again a different appearance of her that then would be that which corresponded best to me. In similar ways would I be different in private relationships - and different from within one to the other - so, being there in ways that others wouldn't normally see.

Now, that part of me that 'clicks' into position as 'my Light self' - is part of the reason why this 'liberation' now comes with a peace greater than before. Earlier I would write of peace eventually, but in a somehow oppressed manner. So also the feeling. A coarse roughness which to my mind back then was like 'spice'. And so the difference is yet as from salt to sweet water. Well, "sweet" ... who said that? Well, there was a joke. Why does the "Schwob {['shwOb' - long 'o' as in 'aaaaaaaaawesome']}" [local natives here] say 'sweet' water? Because it isn't sour! Clear water. Spring water.

And that would probably also tell you more of who I am. Well, that self is the part in me that wants to be a whore for everyone. And that is apparent to me as something akin to wishful thinking. It is simply that bit in me that so has these wishes - but wouldn't normally come out 'due' to social normities. And by social normities I am twisted - a twisting that lets me 'relatively' speaking crave for ""!!Rape!!"". Enjoying the feelings of captivity. Though in relativity to this new-found peace the sensations of captivity shine slightly different now. And something like a deeply depressed condition within me slowly starts to change it seems. But that then more in relativity to this new-found peace. Its a wishful thought that so even renders my 'Light Side' - we might say: "The purest wish there is" - and that one I so would generally experience in Darkness as per the social norms. To take it into the Light side ... might now be a thing of finding a Light spirit within which this wish now could flourish. So, overriding the pressure of social normities through the 'dome' of our relationship.

Within this state then a clarity emerged that I already new of - but I had not felt it as clearly before. A webbing of sort - like a catsuit basically - or a set of lingerie - ... so with stockings, belt, top, collar and gloves - that mostly consisted of strings arbitrarily woven together in the shape of spiderwebs or more accurately: shards of glass. And the "Aura of Roses" glooming within. It is basically this Garment - or what I tried to capture within the 12 Insignia. Well, something I feel 'is' there - like bonds - that have been created of my divine ... Bridal Dress. And it therein echoes the sensation that I'm entirely captivated. And that so it is taken into the Light Side. Something that I had sensed or assumed or "concluded" for some time now - but without this bridge the answer eluded me.

And this doesn't say that there is 'no' alternative. It has also been implied that there effectively is - although its ends close that bubble and feed me back into my 'real' paradise. And so it stands to me that my male self is a fragment of my mind from adapting to normities. So, wanting to be a Sex-Slave would eventually be an issue when the norm got to a point of thinking of it and its social implications. Parts of my mind that then - in the realization of 'my Paradise' - would be useless. So to think that my 'undefined body' takes shape through myself as I react to my surrounding. So, taking a "how much do you like [...]" list - with a scale from 0 to 10 lets say - would vaguely represent how much of a thing is 'within' us. And abstracted into a virtual plane would each 10 for instance reveal a position where the individual stands. If we so spread the points throughout a plane. Each point would be differently 'loaded' - and around which points we stand, our fragments are a part of what shapes who we are.

Well, anyway. Considering the Knot between Light and Dark - I suppose the same things as for other relationships apply. There's the core of it - and things can effectively go either way. We can go darker and we can go brighter. There's the side of me in my light self that tends to the one; And another part that tends to the other side. And I feel like so, that trying to block this motion is causing stress - and ultimately some form of mattering negativity.

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Oh, by the way, I almost forgot: It seems to me that Weed related psychotic effects can emerge from a negative attitude towards it. Maybe paranoia sets in and someone smokes with a mindset of "Oh no, this is bad for me" - then this thought evolves in the high state - so that it should not be a surprise that it causes problems. Opposed to that I had to yesterday try and 'embrace' it - to so avoid negative thoughts and it actually worked!