My Blog

My Blog

Too big

SidesteppingPosted by Nicole Tue, May 08, 2018 10:55:16
3,6 gigs are too large ... that now could take a while.

And then ...

SidesteppingPosted by Nicole Fri, May 04, 2018 07:27:41
... the Confusion starts. Like, there was a negative to my optimism - which was that I entirely 'missed' what I was intending to get into.

But, to get the positives out of the way: I like her humor. And I like the way our spirits connect. And, that it seems that this time around I'm not the one to get into the thing with ... the larger ... "bubble'o dreams". Thats been one thing that has been constantly bugging me. The question for 'how' something like this could ever be. And maybe I'm way too optimistic about it again; But yea - thats ... the question.

Thinking about someone takes away from the 'real life equivalent'. Thats ... what I'm thinking about it anyway. The mind is filled with dreams and expectations - though, the other way around didn't really work for me either.

Another thing I like is that she connects to the girl in me. And that solves a whole lot of my gender issues; As - I'm still attached to "some" as a male. Not as much by general desire, but "the Love" itself - the way I connect - to them - it makes me kindof feel sorry.

On the other side is that what I would consider a negative. That its a dream. But yea, I can pretend and not much changes. So yea, she's got me on her hook.

What did I ... want to get into again?
Oh yea ... "this is how it begins". So, if I can take those past experiences as a guideline as for what to expect; I'd first fall in "Love" as wishes and expectations thicken my emotions for her until they are some dense ball of fire that I would seek out every night to warm myself. Somewhere along those lines I'd try to contact her, having high hopes, ... dreaming, ... scheming, ... with a little bit of "driving me crazy" until I realize that I wasted years on chasing after her.

And that mostly because I'd look for the error on my end. Because I'd believe that she'd be the one I'd suppose that I basically couldn't do any wrong. I'd tell her and suppose that'd get things going, but in recollection of why that didn't work out I'd look for my mistakes.

So, pretending that I'm on the other end now - I don't know what she could do wrong. But yea, I guess I could come up with reasons to tell me why its nonsense to believe; And yea, the easiest one is that I've had bad experiences of such kind in the past. Another one could be that I didn't right away feel connected to her - although I must say that she's been compelling from the start. Me being confused about my gender, as in "sorry" for my Love, my expectations were shifted although she's been introduced to me as male there.

What then ends up being in the way is me being confused about "the others" - and I guess from these things out there are a lot of spaces for doubts and confusions of all kinds. Not necessarily connected to that particular concern. In simplicity would these concerns create an emotional disconnect ... but on the other side ... its like there is some rubber band. I'd be happy to welcome her - but thats then where the "bubble'o dreams" gets me concerned.

Close up, ... I think I'm a major disappointment.

As for what she did right - going on to pretend - the first thing wasn't even in her power. Its been a perfect accident, ... where, all she did right there was to get people talk about her strange new song; Which I then remembered in that final Star Wars rant. Which then got me thinking. And thats probably how things would happen in real life. How one gets to meet "the" other ... might forever remain a big mystery. I've ran across the one or the other where I wondered ... "could this be it?" ... and from there its just a short stretch to bend things into order. Because, yea - well - what do 'we' know?

Emotions are emotions, sympathy is sympathy - and the only way to recognize yellow if you've never seen it is to notice that you've never seen it. But what if you've never seen red either?

Now I'm compelled to end this. And yea, pretending works for me! Another thing she did right - but - so in general, ... she 'did' stuff - lets pretend - and that eventually got through, ... somehow. Although I never heard of her before nor since. Not to any reasonable extent however. ... She makes me feel safe! And insecure.
But I'm getting tired and the plug has been pulled on me. Now, all thats missing is a gooey love song and I'm exactly there where I've been before. I'm just an inch away of saying that I Love her. Which has nothing to do with any of the things that can be 'seen'. Its not in my head either. And ... not even in my heart. Its ... under my skin however.

Its as stated with the buttons she's pushed - where my mind now jumps on these apparent promises like a starving person would jump on food. Everything checks out and I would only lie to myself if I told me that thats not something I'd want. So, I'm best advised to pretend that I'm wrong here until we met in real life. And then ... the real problems would start!

So, if all my experience here has to tell me anything, ... then its that foreshadowing disappointment is the only right thing to do. But as opposed to all the other times, there is no 'meat' for that depression. I can't convince myself of it, nor see a trace of it. But while its all just conjecture - although it would seem to be more than just a Matrix thing - I'm left hoping ... that I'm not wrong. Which is a hell of a lot better than this weird fireball of emotions (that sucks the sanity out of someone)!

Hmm ... so ... to do this right ... @Taylor: "Me?"

The thing with the Videos

SidesteppingPosted by Nicole Fri, May 04, 2018 03:03:02
... they sure aren't on YouTube ... though they should be there twice. On my page ... I only forgot to make them public. ^^

Oh - Internet?

SidesteppingPosted by Nicole Fri, May 04, 2018 02:28:40
Right right. So, while I was working as a Sex-worker - we had Internet and Computers there. Mendatory. After I got out of there I only had my Smartphone. So, eventually I got used to writing things on my Netbook, moving stuff to a Flash Drive and from there via the Phone to the web. Since 2015 I live in a room in a more sophisticated manner and at first I stuck to the Phone and the Internet access of someone else, but, along with getting a PS4 also got me an Internet Connection. Yes, social aid money. It may be a major distraction - but thats a different issue. I think though I put it to good use. Except you don't think that this is ... that!!

I'm so pissed about it because early on it was a major problem getting anything out there. The first video was good because it works without a video for reference. The second, not so much, but luckily I was occupied in a Work Measurement where I had access to a computer and Premiere Pro (a kindof TV station ... I wrote about it here and there) - where I consciously didn't do what I was supposed to be doing to make those videos.

My Hardware wasn't good enough to run any of that, also limited storage was an issue - and back then I had no Internet yet. Since I had it, I thought I had done what I could and waited. Since I have 'this' Computer I ... was kindof stuck waiting as well because as things were on my mind the problems were merely ideological/intellectual/philosophical, whatever. As they yet are. I just recently felt the urge to do some more - and actually I still have lots of Gigabytes on my webspace. So, whenever I'll feel like it ... I can.

But you 'demanding' anything isn't gonna 'get' you anything! Just saying! It only gets me pissed and I think thats ... coming from above!
Or I just can't stand the intellectual nonsense around it.

And yea, this recent post was necessary - thats just ... a ... how to call it? "Turnaround issue". I mean ... believing in something is once thing, then being supposed to turn the wheel for a 180, ... thats ... not all that easy! I'm actually kindof used to it, but it still pisses me the hell off! Each time again! And that because 'everything' sortof does.

In that first shelter I was I didn't have slippers yet, so, each time I had to go to the toilet I had to put on my street-shoes because the toilet was down the hallway. Thats annoying, especially with too much caffeine/black tea in the system.

Now I have to always get out of my chair or back into it, depending on the situation - which is stressful because how things are arranged. I don't have much space here and basically have to climb over the arm each time, plus a 180 turn. Onto my Mattress basically. Where I also have books and paper stuff - as everything is full of "crap".

The little things! If I want to get a book out of my cubpoard ... same issue. The one moment its like: OK, calm down, time for a break; All is good but then all of a sudden URGENT whatever ... .

... Low Blood Sugar? ... maybe that too!
Or too much of it - in the brain.
Actually I'm waiting for some weed - but that ... might take a while.

The worse about right now is that boredom is coupled with ... things like this ... that hasn't been on my mind so it ... Turnaround issues.

I partially don't get it myself. All I know is that once I'm watching Videos ... its more of a welcome change. When I have something to write about. But, after being told that I'm 'done' I think I'm done - and what runs through my mind would reflect that. So, one of the things that suck about being alone. Or having/getting no feedback ... on anything! At all!

... and all this goes 'way back'. At first ... and that I'm a bit ashamed about ... Lunch. While either being busy programming or just about to sleep because I had made the night through ... was bad enough. But it got worse. Well ... "buhu". Yea, working ... door rings, telephone rings, guests leave ... all those interruptions happened close enough together to not leave enough space for proper immersion, but still far enough apart so ... one would inevitably get immersed in something.


"Easy!" ... 10 years or so. And thinking that most of the time I was talking to a wall, basically, doesn't really make things any better! (This fucking Windows thing also replaced my Quick Search with Bing ... .... that shouldn't be legal! The only notification I got was some Explorer thing. ... [shakes head] ... and ... by the way: Why is there no easy way to get smart about what kind of stuff the body needs? We're in the 21st fucking century I thought. MORONS! "Free Market" ... yea, sweet sweet. It doesn't get THE job done anyhow! Thats for sure!)

And in a couple of days this will be somewhere lost in the belows ... so I might have to write the whole thing all over again - or have a huge fucking sidebar that nobody is able to see through. ... "Easy!".

My world keeps getting larger

SidesteppingPosted by Nicole Thu, May 03, 2018 23:58:13
Political Correctness ... well. Lets ... uh, ... well. The thing is, Family Friendliness is a thing. Lets call it the 'sane average' thats generally 'supposed to be' suitable for ... almost all audiences. The older we get, the more distant we potentially grow from that - but as the distance from each other grows along with that, this middle ground remains.

Early on, all I had on my mind was myself, my story and a supposed bunch of people. I couldn't recognize that my view was rather narrow because I thought I was directing myself to everybody. Nonetheless were there those ... lets say 'phantom images' ... that stuck to my mind and generally "produced" my response ... level. So, that would since the start be Antichristians I suppose; Being vastly determined to address everybody but the issues that bothered me were mostly produced by "them" - or in other words, contra, complaints, issues with/to what I was thinking about. And that also first of all ... as I was a sex-worker ... regarding why I was there and stuff round about.

So eventually it to me was as though those issues were the only ones that mattered. Respectively I supposed that if I solved those, I'd be done. With ... whatever I'd have to be done with.

Eventually I was done with them - and as I got into them, ... uh. Well. Actually. First of all I had a thing to share - then there were issues and so on. I so responded, got 'done', and then again had things to share and so on. So, after the first Matrix thing, the same thing happened. I got out, had issues on my mind, responded to them - was done; And then went on with my stuff.

It wasn't until my first twitter round that I really felt an expanse in whom I was "talking" to. I mean, starting with me popping up on Capcom Forums I'd also think about folks that would come from there, or otherwise some might stumble upon my YouTube channel. I thought those might tune in or be tuned in - but that never had any impact. Maybe I had to ignore them, maybe there was nobody. The numbers suggest there was nobody.

With this expanse I finally looked at my Clarity stuff in a totally different way. Things I thought I had solved had to be written again; Eventually - and in case you wonder what I was thinking while I was writing ... certain things ...: I thought: Who would actually bother to read through all this?

I guess ... nobody.

Its not that important anyway - until you're really curious about in-depth insights about that stuff which shouldn't really come until you're actually dealing with it yourself. Its there however, done is done.

I also had this strange feeling that people were tuning in - but the moment I had something important to share things were going the other way.

Anyway, ... it would seem now that its a part of success. Or growing into the public, ... to have some kind of ... "audience appeal". I guess thats what makes some celebrities weirder than others. I mean, certain folks don't have this 'middle ground' audience to appeal to.

And I feel like thats a thing thats freaking some people out. Although one with ... I mean, we can look at the Matrix Reloaded. Even that, although made for the general public now gets a whole lot more attention and yea - so I feel like some were/are kindof comfortable being in their niche corners - ... [*caugh|krhrm*] ... yea ...

mmmm - ... well.

Just a few thoughts that crossed my mind ... . I kindof feel driven out of my own comfort zone (too?). But that after all is one of the strongest ... things ... that shows me where I belong. Basically. I mean, I don't have any company to take me back into my comfort zone; And what that kind of company were is ... something ... which is different to something else. ...

But yea, ... nothing else to say here I guess.

What I have done?

SidesteppingPosted by Nicole Thu, May 03, 2018 00:54:30
Its confusing. I'm told to 'densify/intensify' my 'evil Self'. I guess to prevent my good side from getting abused. Its weird. Sometimes I 'punch' some figure in my mind and I feel the pain. As though I'm punching myself there. And I just got back from failing horribly in Street Fighter. I made it to Silver, did reasonably well and then everything failed all of a sudden. I couldn't get a hold of anything - and eventually it all got pointless.

Once I densify that evil self, trying to "look" all horrifying, like a mix between Deathwing and Diablo, I feel like people are punching that image. That might actually be a conversation. Every now and then there are figures that look kindof concerned - as though something ... is failing. I don't know if I can trust that though. But it feels ... like it.

It chaotic. It seems that while I'm densifying my evil looks, thats kindof like a stun. My minds energy goes into that instead of anything else and maybe even goes further as, ... some petrification spell. Whatever. I hope I haven't gone crazy!

When I'm in a bad mood it seems to go easier. Maybe "he"'s trying to conjure formal defense and I got to make sure that it isn't get obscured through some 'nonsense'.

Yea, those 'concerned faces' are I guess distractions that make me think I'm winning, that then gets me into a good mood and thats when I start loosing it. So - I should stop writing about having any success whatsoever; Because while I'm winning here I'm possibly loosing elsewhere and that sucks! ... Seems to be over for now!



SidesteppingPosted by Nicole Thu, May 03, 2018 00:02:37
Things have changed again. The stuffiness in me is dense now, I don't know how to move it - and everything sucks again. If there's nothing I can do nor anyone else - I wonder - whats next? It can't be about who's right or wrong - So, its just about power now. Or, getting ... "dominated". I have no clue, but ... well. The things I've written whenever Astair was the topic, I guess it pretty much resembles what bothers me about it. And my doings in general. I get dragged into something, I think about it, an error pops up, I try to correct it, another error pops up - and so on. Thats pretty much how it went down the first time I was blindly in Love, thats how it went down with J.Lo, thats how it went down after I started this homepage, ... and how it goes down ever since.

The "thick" seems stronger than before. Maybe thats good. Maybe it means that all is focused on my now and thats why I don't see the light. But what would it mean? I cannot see the end of the tunnel. No matter how hopeful I get or how strongly signs seem to play in my favor - there's just this "Light" but I don't think its real. RIght, say I and the image changes - leaving the tunnel. But woops, now I'm back in it.

There's nothing left to discuss - so, I guess I got to get back to the start and maybe get things done right this time. Otherwise - I'm entirely demotivated, in a terrible mood and I don't know where this is or should be going. I'm sure I'll be buggered to write nonsense like this and that every once in a while, but I doubt that there's actually anything worth the time left to write about. So, unless I'm terribly wrong about this - I guess I'm signing out here.

Peace and Out!

So many wrong

SidesteppingPosted by Nicole Wed, May 02, 2018 04:36:09
Yea. So - I was probably wrong on some of the 4 Horsemen stuff. And maybe I was wrong about what I just wrote previously. I mean, sometimes - now that I come to think about it again - I even believe they'd not shy away from shooting the/a plane down. I admit, thats ... kindof a hole in my plan/expectations.


Maybe it wasn't real - at all, and I'm just ... drawn into something to think of something.

... Yea. Hello bottom. Hasn't been long. Cheers! I hope I never end like THaC (snorting Alcohol).

... I'm confused. [Mumble Grumble]

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