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The inverse Skinners Box

SidesteppingPosted by Nicole Mon, November 26, 2018 15:03:59
'Skinners Box' is a term coined from Psychology thats frequently mentioned in the gaming community. It deals with the stimuli that get us to be more or less likely to do something. Like ... cookies for a Dog. So for instance when playing Free to Play titles all the blingin and chingin stimulates our minds that we've done something great although we just pushed a few buttons on the screen as instructed - and it gets us to repeat things. To feel rewarded. And sure - we can compare that to a drug. The momentary high from something thats potentially damaging. When I mention the 'inverse' of it - its what the applied Skinners Box does to those that apply it. So, the experiment may have started out of harmless curiosity - but someone saw it and right away "ka-ching! (Thats a way to make money!)". So they create that Skinners Box-esque Video Game environment, sell it, people buy into it and that rewards them for it and so they'll try to do more of it.

And so we can see that gamers being willing to buy into empty promises - or promises that are most certainly bollocks because 'experience' - lets them devs think they can get away with it - 'ka-ching' - and so on and so forth.

Why I collect Porn

SidesteppingPosted by Nicole Thu, November 22, 2018 01:08:33
A question I've been asking myself recently. So - last weekend I had my last bit of dope - got settled to live sober until Rehab starts (next week, off from 27th to 25th) ... and yet the desired "creative flux" didn't come. Well, I've written some code high, starting again, and wrote it so that once sober I could finish all the more tedious stuff. Doesn't come. Instead I've spent the recent days sorting through all my Porn. I have 3.5 gigabytes of images (I do have more - but they are 'too secluded' "for now" ... "impact delay" [store for later]).

Impact Delay means that I do what I 'can' - and looking through/making sense of certain things that just don't fit I better leave aside. Its like in LoL or Smite - or any MOBA - where, you can't have it all at once. You have to start with one simple item - or more - however basic things to get you started.

And still I have gathered 9524 images so far. To that, I created one 'Extraction' folder where I dumped everything into. Well, but 'this time' not Ctrl.A-ing (Select Everything) them inside, but roughly skimming through them, screen by screen, to sort out at least those few "Annoying" ones that I wouldn't want to deal with. Then I wanted to sort through the Extraction folder, but when starting to move stuff around, things usually went downhill. So I copied all I had into a ROOT and a STEM folder. Well, copied into STEM and then moved them into ROOT. So, a plus for Windows: WHen I have new stuff and I copy them in - duplicate filenames are removed from the selection cue in Windows Explorer (10) - while in Linux one has to be a bit more creative. (Move all inside, deselect, ctrl.Z and only those moved back are selected. Then copy ... and on). So I have an Up-to-date Root Folder to check for whats in STEM. And along the way I also payed sacrifices to the 'things that get lost' demand - to not overburden myself.

So, other folders I ended up having next to ROOT and STEM are 'removed', 'ex', and a bunch of others ... like 'x'. Removed is for images I wanted to remove from the stream but still collect. So the others. I should probably name them by 'what' they remove. But 'ex' then also ended up collecting images I had not removed; But wouldn't really belong. Like things that are just funny or ... just don't belong.
Not better?

In STEM I did similarly. There's an 'Ugly', a 'Rest' an 'Excitation, a 'Decitation' and various thematic folders. So - Ugly is for those that I have and somehow want to keep but they don't really do anything for me. They 'feel' somehow ugly. The 'rest' is what ~would~ stay, but to not get confused has to get moved out of the way. Some of the thematic ones I use as explicit drop in folders; And others are more and others less a "Stay/Ugly" version of a give topic as well. So, I ended up moving a lot of Bondage images into Excitation rather than Bondage; While the 'Warrior' folder is a bit of an "early excuse" to get rid of all non-sexual stuff. Well, to however sort that which isn't really an 'Excitation', although that shouldn't really be a task since 'actually' they would contain their own excitations.

In the Excitation folder then I have 'dist'(orted), 'down', 'gif', 'STAY', 'SUPER' and 'x'. So, I go through the images on screen, move everything into all but SUPER until all the images remaining go there. So, this is just sorting out - and also a way of saying that one doesn't have to be 'too' cautious. If you're alright with "loosing" something to "down" or don't need in "STAY" or higher - whatever. 'x' is thereto something aside of it all. I end up having images that for sure went into Excitation but then, they don't really belong anywhere.

SUPER is then effectively the Level 3 of 'up-filtered' imagery, ... and right now I have 5623 in my STEM, 1686 in my Excitation and 627 in my SUPER folder. And my Pregnant folder is just 100 short to the 'Rest' folder. (I created a folder to be named like the folder I would skim through next (... "base of origin". Of course I had to take breaks!).

Now I assume that starting with all my Image Material - including my Non-Sexual collection maybe - everyone would have different stuff in their SUPER folder. And so there would be images - I suppose - that reflect me in my most intimate that others would pick as well. But it might not get to their Lv. 3 because they aren't really like that. So it might end up in Lv.2/STAY - or elsewhere. That idea however so spawned the idea of this visual representation of where we regard ourselves. (And my Ugly folder isn't all that Ugly! Here and there I think I have uglier ones in higher up folders; Where, taste is in the eye of the beholder I guess).

Well. In SUPER I then went on to make a copy, like with ROOT and STEM, and in 'upward_stash' (the other is 'upward copy') made 'Faces', 'Styles', 'Lv3', 'Lv4' and two "Level 3 Identifiers". 2 things that 'stand out' (or should) - but then had to be a little desperate about putting stuff in there. And here maybe the individual 'better be inspired'. Well. Lv3 is however the "new" Ugly folder. Everything that doesn't go in there, either goes up or not. If not - it is preferred in either of the two, or it is just 'style'. If it is more than just 'style' its a Face. THis is, as I think, here because 'SUPER' is already "pretty defined". Some uglies got to go out - and the rest then needs some 'definition' to create the Lv4 abstract. What goes up goes up - and now something silly. I feel again like making a copy. I might just move it, but being tempted to move stuff directly into Lv4 - ... I'm unsure ... .

Well. I want to do stuff with it now - but certainly still have things coming. Plus, I got all the other stuff that I might want to work with. So, my Pregnant folder has 300+something images - and instead of sorting them into categories and Levels I might just want to pick one for some other purpose. In other words do I have some image repository with 5000-something images yet unaccounted for. So I can have a Lv4 copy somewhere - I ... have a separate partition and thats handy in that usually copying is the default action here. Moving stuff within a partition just changes the files path - technically/theoretically - but moving stuff to another partition is to store it in a different physical volume - so, just changing the path won't work. So it would be copied there - and then deleted. "Move" is just an abstraction in that regard. So, when I now have new stuff going into Lv4, and I took files out of the copy, just copying the one to the other creates duplicates. Saying that I might move Lv4 to base and move files within upward_stash into a kept-empty Lv4 folder - though, before moving it from here to there I also copy it into the "mirror"guard"" folder.

So, Lv4 is renamed into Lv4_mirrored - and a new Lv4 folder is created. For all the other images - that go into "'Manifest'" - well. Something weird. I now have a 'transit' folder with 'Import' and 'Mirror' in it. So - I would copy stuff into 'Import' - and at some end of gathering then copy Import into Mirror - with those new ones then going into 'transit' itself. From there I would work with it - so, I clear 'transit' and move Import and Mirror up. And the Lv4 copy is now called ROOT.

What I now ended up doing, was that I wanted to just fill the import folder with something and took from the Level3-subtree a folder and basically ended up selecting my favorites therein. So, Manifest- ROOT and "Export" Are containing a "special selection" of items though Export contains those that haven't made it to ROOT. Another mechanism of relief. It would get complicated when downgrading things - so, as a rule of thumb, beyond SUPER there is no more downgrading.
But what now with Import/Export. Those images come in from all sorts of different locations - and mirroring the entire data-tree?
... file-tree.

So - for my own Filesystem 'method' - I think I called it 'Meta-FS' but for better distinction ... to be less "demanding" ... dont know. I had something on my tongue. "TXF" ... well, like the filename. Anyhow. Meta-FS is designed with partitioning in mind. So - folders can be associated to Frames - and Frames contain Filesystems. Here Meta-FS is complex in that technically it is just ... like a bootloader. A part of Meta-FS would be the ZERO partition which is the 'bootsequence' ... place. But anyhow. With the things thought of here I take it in that ... files can be mirrored 'if' they have a "safe spot". So, it is a way of removing "junk" from the filesystems by sorting certain things away.

So, now I took another folder into it and then mirrored it in. And now there's a context problem. So, I have 'Daisification' and 'RapeChamber' in my upward_stash. In both there's a picture of a Domina. And now they both pop out in the same folder; Which was technically something that "we tried" to prevent. But so is the nature of these things as well. What to do with images? You look at them once ... and then ... they get sorted away. And yea, eventually we can look at them again to be ashamed of/laugh about our past.

Now I went into my Lv3 folder to pick a few from there. And sure there are favorites again. So is there one image that works as a centrified statement, but so happens to be in Lv3. But right now I don't have a better one at hand to express it that way. Those that get close do so in a distorted way.
And then it also happens that on selecting certain images - or thinking about it - well, I'd compare it to Minesweeper. A whole lot of others want to come along. On one hand the images don't run away, on the other I worry that I could select duplicates. Well, silly me - I shouldn't worry that! The Mirroring takes care of that! And when done now - I end up having those yet unhandled in the Export folder. So, I should first clear that out before throwing in too much.

Now I created a Manifest/-- folder and moved a 'expr.Daisy' folder into it. That now is to resonate with what I meant earlier. It could at some point be called 'Feminization'. But it wasn't done yet. In this 'expression' folder I can now put images from a greater selection together - and technically take stuff from ROOT as well. Thats why I think inspiration matters as well. Or is it subconscious reveal?

So, that "by chance" there are those relevant images within those |lower tier| folders. ... [???@_$(*&#^riddled myself)]

Perhaps I should smoke some more pot. Yea, I got some today - well - received ... .

Anyhow - but what now of Lv4? I don't feel like taking things out!

So - I now moved all but 3 images into the expression folder. Oh, 4. Initially I thought 2. The other 2, ... I don't miss. One however although it quite puts a nail onto it - but probably too much, like ... when the Daisy is implied it just works better to a however more greater thing: The Doll.

Anyhow - by accidentally hitting ctrl.z and control.y while the browser was selected I deleted some image it seems and a folder wherein I stored xcf and its host folder. Luckily the xcf files somehow remained. Better than just the pngs I assume. Something like that shouldn't happen. And for such important stuff I would suppose something other than the default "click me away" pop-up.





Ups and Downs

SidesteppingPosted by Nicole Tue, November 06, 2018 15:49:20

[whats up-date]

This is the first time I really come to the end of my sexual phase while I'm still having a bit of dope left. And this is good I guess. Well, so far it has at times been a bit confusing. Clear was to me that I've come into sexual phases often enough even without dope - yet where it those where I had dope that got me on further into it. Not that this process stopped otherwise - but its simply different.
I guess I've been at this point before though - just that I couldn't quite process it properly. Its what I recognized as the inherent flaw with Marijuana after my first few days and weeks in the clinic. That a lot of my problems have come through "bad habitation". So in this sense: I've gotten used - and thats a bit of a mystery puzzle - to being sexual; Or before that however otherwise productive. And when this flow ends - the mind is still prepared to move on as before.

So do changes also come slowly, or suddenly - in ways that I however tend to forget. One time high - work through inspiration. The other time, nothing - just chilling. Then the other time something new - and then it goes on. The new thing becomes habit until I'm back at just chilling. Right now I can't just chill however and I do have this awkward urge within me to do something but I feel like I however can't. Possibly I need to so take this break and write about it.

Maybe it is after all the 'being high' that now prevents me from doing what I wanted to do - though otherwise the primary suggestion stands as that I need to smoke weed in order to really properly do what I got to do. And so in the end the problem is "shifted" on into society. Where or while I got none - there is no 'habituation'. Thats a simple social fact. Because we're all individuals - me too I have my own life even when I'm alone. But while others - I guess - would feel null and void in such situations, I'm used to it. I'm used to spending my time this way.
Just me - yet so are the things I do and believe in practically stuck in this bubble with me. And sure - in the end it makes sense to suggest that both of these circumstances aren't entirely unrelated.

I've also so begun to think about what to tell my future Psychiatrists - to for once reflect upon what I've learned so far and to so give it a meaningful spin into a direction that matters. The point is that now that the end of the stay in this clinic is almost over (last day tomorrow) - I'm not really feeling better or more capable about myself in this life. I'm not even sure if I'm feeling that much better over all. Well, I gained some weight and to keep that up and upgrade to a higher base weight I can keep - thats a pretty tough task for me. Yet things concerning my 'real life' - there's this pressure that just gets me to crumple. Like so I tend to ignore deadlines because I'm somehow paralyzed. It then eventually 'comes to me' the moment its too late. So, the impulse - inspiration - motivation, all that.

And it stands to reason that the real problem with all this are the ties into 'this System' - where I so need to be concerned of repaying the favors that I've received. Where I need to think about how I'm going to contribute to the Society that made it possible that I could have a safety net to catch me. Yet its a little bit - moronic, err. ... ironic - since this 'safety net' practically is the fact that I can live without having to work. And in this situation I find myself in the zone of productivity. But it isn't quite ... right. So I put myself into check by motivating myself to find work - to take that seriously, to at the very least go into that direction and maybe find something. I wasn't demotivated. Earlier. 1? Year ago? No, almost 2 ... . I did what I could, wrote Applications; And there it isn't my fault that they came all back saying no. OK, ... it possibly wasn't 'that' appealing and one could find a fault in there - but the biggest problem is my Curriculum Vitae. I'm 34 and haven't really worked anywhere for more than 3 month except for Civil Duty. Oh, and ... Skyparadise. And for my own interests of course. So have I however been there and I can go back there and hope to find something and maybe I will. But in essence I feel like I'm displacing my own leg there. Shooting myself in the foot. And on one side that is a matter of my Trans-sexualness. That I don't want to enter 'work' and go through transition therein. Well, things change - but after all are there down-times that shouldn't need to be necessary.


The Orc and his Wolf

SidesteppingPosted by Nicole Sun, October 07, 2018 21:59:27
I've lost a lot of faith. The whole fortune telling thing ... well. Its become a habit - as anything I do. It now just is a thing I do ... work on from time to time but I don't really ... "know why".

But well. There's a thing. Regarding this thing I ... how to say it? I laid cards using my Witch Poker deck and from initial to final situation, well, in-between there was this card. The Orc and his Wolf. Uh, no ... that was another thing. Anyhow. In one of the many there was this card and I was curious what it would be about.

There was a lot of stuff in there - but ... time ... just zooms by and I ... feel like I've lost my mind.

The thing with the Abyss I was writing about ... I can't do that. I ... the liberation ... its now ... stuck in there. Since Marie became a part of it - its all this one thing and I ... feel horrible. Maybe I took it too seriously that she'd be leaving me consciously - ... hmph. Anyhow ... it seemed to change ... but things didn't change. But apparently its all just a matter of time.

Well. I've been seeing a movie and I think it traumatized me. I don't really feel like writing a lot ... and maybe I should write in German. Hmmm.

I'm troubled about my Clarity and I feel like my interpretations of whats on the cards is a bit too one-sided yet. I need time. But time usually means that I'm sliding further down the slope - with things stuck in my mind that don't make sense. Maybe I'm just a medium and how I feel about things is like an amalgamation of how the world feels about these things. In the dark corners. And maybe I heal when they do.

I feel like smashing my head against the wall - I don't know what to do ... but, well. I mean, I have time now and I understand I should try to focus on my life, to go out more, to ... whatever. This just sounds awfully depressive but all in all my mood isn't all that negative. Its just the stress of the moment I assume.

Its weird. One part of me is over it, ... the other ... is growing sicker and sicker. Uhm, ... iller and iller. That sounds better I guess. More and more ill.

There are still dreams. Dreams I had ... and dreams I'm having. The dreams I'm having are getting weirder. I barely remember them but I barely have the time to think about them too. Time flies. ... Got to get used to it I guess.

I think what happened is that the bond that has kept my life together so far ... has ripped. Irony. Like Smith in the end of Revolutions. "This is it, this is the end!" ... but then ... it wasn't. And now just as a rubber band rips apart, "snap", ... I ... I can't evem describe it properly.

Do I love her? What is Love? I think I have suppressed all what I had believed in so that all what remains now is a damp echo of it all. But next to that there's what would be a vivid connection - and there at times I can't help but feel blind; Being like this while things are probably going just fine. There are those things that are supposed to be right - and if they are not its like ... all the time ... was pretty much just an illusion.

So at the center I still believe. Its all ... "the way it is" ... I suppose - but then considering how things are and how they went I see how things ... are supposedly going to happen and thats ... not ... "the way it is". Its the way it should have been - would nothing ... have happened to change that. I mean - I didn't expect anything; And so I am to just move on anyway. But ... my mind says ... "nay, thats not the way it is ..." - happening? Supposed to happen? Not whats going on? Anyhow ... "snap" ... and the way ahead and everything is just pointless.

The 'Dispair' Card ... it, ... for once is simply there as a Religious thing. Despair is good. But also ... some experience of this past time has flown into it. At the end of hope - with God - there will be a way. Thats the one thing. The other is that in hopelessness, at the bottom of ourselves, we see our real truth. Our substance. So, there is 'good' in it - that way.

Which however means that I can ... start a ... 'normal life' now. ... One ... without hope ... that is! Ha! L-O-L!


The Tale of the Laughing Man

SidesteppingPosted by Nicole Tue, July 24, 2018 14:59:16
... added to Front Page.

Buddhas Lift

SidesteppingPosted by Nicole Sun, July 22, 2018 23:22:03
Buddhas Lift (reloaded) added to main story.

Nooks and Crannies - admitting to Crazy - Why I won

SidesteppingPosted by Nicole Sun, July 22, 2018 21:47:33

[Disbelief and Victory?]

A thing about my Bondage Kinks disturbs me. And it is one of those things that I frequently got on my mind - but then when I write stuff it slips between the cracks. Although, I tried to write about it once, at least. It would say that my pleasure in bondage is relative to the persons attitude towards me. The person I'm attached to I would say, as there however is in first place some sort of deeper connection. The idea would so be that if someone I like would hold a hostile attitude towards me, I would experience that attitude in action while associating to it romantically. So that even quite literally if someone gave a shit about me - I would ... well, be into that somehow.

And I kindof have to think of it that way because I see changes. What remains however so far is a general baseline.

In course of moving on I've "learned" to let go of whatever I was holding on to. So at times I believe in certain things while the very next day I wouldn't. It has been a general theme at some point where I would constantly write about "my clarity" to find myself somehow disturbed by it the other day just to then at some point be compelled to write about it again. Ultimately I've come to a balance of sorts - which now however seems disturbed by these changes.
In essence I feel embarrassed by believing in some partnership between me and anyone famous; But "just saying": If it so happens that Madonna was in deed against me for the longest time then this previous theory gains weight.

But I also feel ... terrible ... for stating this last bit. And it seems legit that if I'm the One that I might have a chance to be with someone famous. Well, given that I don't seem to be able to find anyone around me! And there are traces - signs - here and there. Yet, there's a deeper problem that concerns me.

I ... realize that ... I forgot about my past. I went into that previously, though from a different angle. I so previously had to think about my Bible again, things I lost, and my conclusion as to why I yet did get to keep certain things. Those things that I "was allowed to keep (sotospeak)" they create that feeling that the loss wasn't that tragic, or not tragic at all. It creates a bit of an illusion suggesting that I didn't loose anything at all. But with whatever I had gone - while not having that much of a feeling of loss - its almost as if I never had those things. And aside of the implications for you - it messes with me more fundamentally. Well, implied for you is that I don't have any of it anymore and all work put into it is gone just as any work I could have done put upon it. Taken as truth its tragic, taken as lie ... not so much. But more to the point do I fail to properly rationalize the loss. The facts of these losses and their implications for me. I can so see that certain things of the things I entrusted to my Mother are missing - and there is no other conclusion but that someone took it from there after scavenging through my stuff. But I can't really get it into my head and react or act accordingly.

This is also as it is with the Transformers movies. For the longest time I've seen it as "their" work. #PretentiousPrime. Now, the 12, 14, 15 series is a victory for me and a happening that tells me that what I was thinking was true. Additionally I had the chance to re-present my own remixes to myself and it did stir up some minor issues. Also did I get the impression that they play some bigger "Matrix-ish" role thereby. Its baffling to now think of it all and see things conclude somehow, but ... I ... can't ... 'dig it'. I can't rationalize it. I can't believe that what I believed was actually true. I can't believe that anyone has seen it - I can't believe that the victory is real ... I ... am bound to yet believe in another failure.

Like I'm supposed to do something that I'm scared of doing. As I'm sick of trying anything either way.

I would so think of living a "normal life" - and while ignoring whatever I believe in I somehow normalize this ignorance; While what remains is the recognition of a fucked up life. And the fact that I still do the things I do because its ... my purpose. I can't do it any other way. I have to keep going. While yet any step is a failure I would think that I need time - time to balance myself out, to get a clear mind; And thus whatever I try to do is holding me back.

... LOL. Could it be that the whole SJW Hollywood thing is a derivative of them trying to explain how Transformers wasn't as successful as anticipated?

I wonder ... what the whole story is like. Sometimes I'm scared to hear that ... everything was dark and reigned by evil. Like believing that anyone who ever made a name in Hollywood only did so because the Antichrist made it possible. I would though think that certain things speak against that, ... but well.

Looking back I realize that I wrote things that I now think I've written because I was actually fucking insane. I was writing things I inwardly knew wouldn't work the way I wanted it - but I'd not think about it again and let it out anyway. But ...

I now think it was part of the plan. The plan being that in any other way, the victory would have been ours because they did something wrong. And that would however have been stupid. So God gave them the perfect plan and all the success they needed to succeed - just so that it would fail anyway.

That so is the theory I have right now, yet wondering how any of the success of it is gonna work out. I'm lost, stuck lamenting my inability to do or get anything right; But well - Gods revenge is ... Gods revenge!

But I have lost hope and faith in it actually ever happening! I don't see how anything I ever did and still do is getting anywhere, ... so how could anything come from it? "In due time" God would do His thing, that how! Good enough - but now that I've seen the end happening in this situation, ... I can't take it seriously. Its again ... a thing done and lost in the dark. Its a fun memory I guess, ... but still I now worry that I may have thrown too many pearls unto the pig.


Part of what makes me female is entitled to outgrow what makes me male. Currently I'm in a state of outgrowing what makes me male in that I have grown sick and tired of it keeping me at bay. Thats how I feel about it. I was comfortable as a guy, being accepted or not, and felt confident about me all the way through. It is that which I would have to decide against at any rate should I be willing to transition. And that struggle has kept me at bay since I've seen no practical need to do so. Yet privately I would yet dream about it, wish for it, seeing myself in no other way, thus perceiving my male presence as a farce. A farce I established to feel comfortable, practical, or ... to avoid shame and laughter that might be coming my way should I begin to seriously try. Now can I safely say that this male side of me does to me stand like a Titan. Whatever confidence of faith I had in God and His guidance would directly translate into my male ego; And so my wits and technical skills did some rest to consolidate a pretty decent guy that I myself could be proud of being.
And it is this that I now grow up against - which implies that I have to have some confidence to overcome my own ... shadow.

The word Alter Ego however triggers a different story within me.
Its about that inner voice, or ... something ... that I associate to as myself but ... in a way ... is different. Might be a "parasite" or "trojan" of sorts. A mimic? ???

But well. This "vs my male self" isn't really that much of an 'anti male' thing. As so ... properly explained I think. The male simply happens to be the obstacle. Or in other ways also the booster. For, it isn't so that the male thing is a thing of its own and the rest of me is the rest to that. The male 'thing' itself is more like a skin while the same confidence and such is taking shape within my female as I start to take things through that one.

But yet at times none of this feels real. Its almost as if I as a whole do or cannot exist. I'm like a walking and talking contradiction - while I'm usually feeling berated as though I were someone else. Prejudice mayhap. ... Or Trumans show?


I yet get to blame myself, questioning the impulses that kept me going for some deception. I made my way around the Matrix however pretty well. But, my failures were certainly not unexpected and "thus" not beyond a measure of control. I still got my bearings, but a couple of things are certainly spinning out of control!

Explaining my PTSD situation

SidesteppingPosted by Nicole Mon, July 16, 2018 21:31:57

[not knowing how to properly whine yet!]

Maybe first up I should say that the way I got to think of it in the first place was that I've been curious about my medication and then when getting to the PTSD section my heart got all heavy. For almost a week I've been sortof sad or melancholic as I've been exploring that feeling - a feeling I first got to associate to my disdain about my Mother visiting me here. I said to her that I didn't want her to visit me because I didn't want any stress. Maybe that was harsh on her but its still the truth. She, to me, is annoying in a way. And for the most part I don't even think of all the things in the past. Its something about her ways thats just ... way too negative for me. I maybe wrote about it here and there. It may be just the way it is - but, right now my heart is getting heavy again and I really wish I could just skip this.

So, anyhow - at some point I started to take notes since I noticed that I wrote way less than I could have written; And upon taking notes I unearthed more than what had been on my mind up until then. I was about to write about this - but I delayed it - up until just recently where I already had forgotten about it; Except that every once in a while I kindof got it on my radar; But one particular story was somehow triggering me. Not enough to really get down to it, but right now I just ... happen to have the time and the mood.

I have a good mood.

I admit that at first I don't have any real reason - at least superficially looking - to feel traumatized. What I tell, ... I can't really copy paste the feeling I have dealing with these things to you. Its a thing I wouldn't have noticed myself - yet at that point back then it came to make sense that way. There however still isn't any traumatic event per se - but more ... the impression of a generally traumatic childhood and youth. Not in a sense of getting actively abused, but ... I don't mean to win any "who's more traumatized" contest here either.

Traumatic is maybe the wrong word. "Suffocated" would be a more appropriate term. "Deprived of ... Life" in a way. And so there's that story I was about to get started with. Its rather ... mundane. You ... if I were to just tell it and leave it at that would possibly think I'm ... out of my mind or something. But so, here it goes: As you might "know" I've spent some time in the Philippines, going to college. So I had my cell-phone with me. It was 2001/2002 - and I had a Nokia ... whats the number. 42-something or whatever. Was pretty common back then. So, a thing that was "all the craze" back then in the Philippines was Cell-Phone modding. I got me some neat black case with blue metallic ... the thing there thats usually silver - and some blue LEDs. And not the shiny black. The ... whats the word. Well, not shiny. It was really awesome anyway. I guess I also had some transparent keys to go with it. Not all, /// or were they still standard? Not sure anymore. Anyway, being back here in germany, well, my sister talked me into giving it away. In return I would have this super ugly purple front, blue back - just ... if you think of the most ugly thing you probably are somewhat close. She probably said at some point that I'd have it back - but I really didn't!

So, I told you the story with my favorite pants. There also was my favorite Pullover at the time. It was the one thing of all the things that she managed to forget the iron on; And she tried to fix it, but, it really didn't look like much. Did I tell you about that wooden case for my comics? So, I was drawing comics and had the idea for a wooden casing. I asked my gramps to cut some wood and drill some holes and I put the thing together using some string. And she just threw it away.

While my dad would so be at work and it'd always be a scare whence he came home because I wouldn't want to show my homework because I didn't do it - my mum was on the phone pretty much all the time. In that sense I guess 'neglect' is the thing; Which so would turn me towards my own things and because they would disappear before I could really make anything of it - got stuck on Video Games and movies. Well, so however my impression of myself that Mass Media were my true parents.

And the "disappearance" of things didn't end with my Childhood. After I got into QBasic I had this really ... cool thing going. After some really bad attempts at some Adventure/RPG I had learned a bit more and put it all together. I had an editor where I could draw the map - and certain colors would relate to certain textures. Then some collision mapping on top of that - well, simple squares, and most importantly some tile-setting. I even managed it as far as to link overworld maps to dungeons, had "magic" going so to for instance shoot rankoons to cross some gaps and was just about to implement a shopping system. I still have a lot of my QBasic projects, but that one somehow disappeared. Its the only one that I somehow meant to continue as it was the one that actually worked as intended.

Then there also was my first step at remixing using Acid. I had some "planets and the stars and the moons" collapse in there, sprinkled with some Axel F interwoven into some other beat ... something of a transition - it was really cool - out of all my remixes probably the best and the one I somehow lost at some point, without which the others, ... well - meh.

It didn't even end after I was living at my gramps. I had a room for myself and one might think that there on my own nothing could be lost anymore. Well, its ... strange. There's for once the thing with the mystery bugs - and that one would be on God; But, looking at all things - I'm glad I had more time to grow before really getting into it. However - I was afraid that yet one might spy through my stuff and so I put my drawings into a case, taped it and put some ... I told that one already! So, the seal was broken. Leaving me, at least as far as my thinking was concerned, back in the dark. "What could I do, where could I go?". All this makes this feeling, or more ... "subconscious desire" to escape, to be away, to be on my own - maybe even alone. The lack of Love from my parents, it didn't seem like much at the time. My brother had a serious heart failure and was in hospital for a long time - and so I understood. I didn't want to be that guy thats naughty due to some lack of love. But in the long run - all the "amazing" stuff I had ... just gone. Some went missing due to my own failure. Thinking of LA for instance. Some things however got lost while basically being in my mums care. Well, I wasn't around - I was being naughty another way - and somehow between then and me taking my things back some of my stuff disappeared. An attempted translation of Genesis 1 for what I'm concerned of.

Since early that may have fostered a habit of beginning things but never finishing them. I never learned to do so. I never had anything for longer than that. The lack of love which ultimately would hit me subconsciously in terms of my creative work - which so wasn't just a lack of love but actually a presence of hate - made me sick. Craving for Love and that how I was susceptible to that Love promise I think. On the one side looking for that Love and Care that I wouldn't even think I deserved - I didn't even notice it that way. Just love. On the other - making something happen. And so that was the end for me. My attempts to 'reach' that girl with my Gospel stuff - again just going nowhere.
Maybe I can't deal with applause because I've learned that it doesn't mean anything. But neither did I learn the value of money that it might yield.

The argument that I never really did anything with what I had so turns out to be bullshit, although there were times where I actually believed that to be the problem. It may have been true after 2005 - or so late 2007 where the mystery bugs began - but up until then I should have had a lot more than I had to work with - and some other part was lost due to naivety. A "desperate/noobish" attempt to somehow make something with what I could do at the time.

And so, 'naturally' I was driven out and since Drugs and the social connections associated to them were attractive without me having any alternate 'real life' - thats a huge part that ended up defining me.

In a sense I could ask you: How else could I have seriously thought to "just go" to LA - without a plan of any sort and actually enjoy staying there, on the streets, homeless, for 3 month?

Yea, J.Lo or not - seriously, after the first few letters I didn't really bother anymore and much more just enjoyed the time there. Fuck her!

So, what else do I have on my list? Comic/Wooden-Case - check. Pants and Pullover - check. Negativity - ... uh ... well. Lets just say ... she might support my trans-sexuality superficially but still carries out some skeptic remarks. Its ... annoying. While other times she's just embarassingly supportive, like I'm some baby. I didn't note that one. "Showcase Kids". OK. Thats about the Philippine community here. So, every now and then there was some party like a Christmas party and she'd usually want us to wear certain things - or when going to church especially. Like we're just there to so carry some image she had in mind we are to fit into. She's also been on the phone most of the time, chatting with friends - and so in a sense I never felt like I'm more to her than just decoration.

Hypocrisy. Well, ... church. Being all "holier than thou" might be just a general problem with some people. All I saw growing up was that this religion didn't really mean anything. Until I found that book that is.

Now I have in braces {Addiction to Love, Disappointment, Illusion -> Drugs, Games}. Yea, so, check.
Then -> Ignorance (that thing when shoving things into oblivion that eventually get to haunt one later) -> Money (from mother).

I'm not sure what I meant there. Well, the money thing is the recent thing. When I attend some family meeting I get money from her and I usually don't feel right taking it. I feel dirty, I feel bought. I feel made dependent on her. Which is why I happily take that money and spend it on bitches. And about that ... well ... I can't escape my femininity. Is that also something they did to me? Well, I don't really have all that much fun "working a woman" - simple enough. Well, maybe that depends on how much woman there is - or how interactive she is. Well, whatever. Let that be a thing for antoher time.

So, forgetting things, shoving them into the back - I don't know about doing so consciously. But after my parents got divorced and we had a new life sotospeak it was more so my Brother who I think made things disappear while my mum just ruined things. I would however try to move on and guess simply ignored all those things. I wouldn't know how to confront them with any of that either.

Next thing: -Brother (Toskana, Love). Well, thats a thing. One time my brother got sick-leave from school just so my dad and he could make holliday in the Toskana while I had to stay at home and go to school. At the bottom of those notes I've also noted "Spargeltarzan" (Asparagus Tarzan) and ... the german word for those that put the trash away. "Men at Work". Those were two things my dad used to say to me. Asparagus Tarzan as a nickname and the letter more like his prognosis for what I'd end up as. I was everything bad while my Brother was caressed and beloved. As said, I glanced past it and was excited for what new Video Game there would be, or what movie I could watch.

Next is 'missing stuff (QBasic, Remix). Check.

Then: Problems to bring things to an end. Also check.

Then 'delusions, mourning'. I guess thats somehow self-explaining. I mean. OK. Delusions I have noted relative to Love -> Psychosis and by that I mean my craving for Love which led me to imagine what I couldn't have. Oh, and I mourned as at night I would think of why this Love wasn't true or what she might be doing and I eventually imagined things ... like once I actually believed she just died. Other times I'd just 'cry' myself into sleep while lamenting her ignorance towards me.

Troubles to bring things to an end also linked to Paranoia - well, check.

Next thing is 'Food (Breakfast, Lunch, Supper) -> Change of School, Divorce'. Well neat. Here's some advise on how to loose weight. First, plan your daily nourishment with a big english breakfast, some good juicy bohemian lunch and some, whoever has a thick supper kind of supper. Then, first, skip breakfast. You can get some other stuff on your way to lunch. Then, at lunch, skip it. You don't need it because you just had something. To then make it to supper just take something else - and you would have guessed: Simply skip supper. Eventually you'll get along with eating less and less along the way ... and in case you need more, smoke a cigarette and have some coffee.

But seriously. We used to have breakfast, but then at some point we didn't. After my parents divorced - anyway not. And we were humble. We didn't even expect lunch or supper. Some ... Kebap would be enough. I barely noticed it. As I changed school the first time my dad basically took me with him to work and I had to stay there until school began. At best we'd stop by a bakery. Then lunch - I'm not really sure if I had any. I spent time in his office or elsewhere - and got some Kebap, eventually, on my way home. I have a hard time remembering but I sure don't remember any regularity there. Supper at best. But I guess I shoved those memories into oblivion too.

Next: Art, Lifestyle <- Outside, Games, Drugs. Hmm. Sometimes I think I simply associate different feelings to things and understand things I noted down the wrong way. This isn't really any more than that what I wrote of already and to me right now simply reads as: Those things became my life, my relief.

So, below "Extra" I've noted the Handy, and 'Bad Equipment'. So, I used to get sent to the Pathfinders and I never really made any friends with the equipment. Nobody taught me how to use this Food Pot or whatever it is anyway, my backpack was way too large - and I never felt 'well equipped'. Well, to my understanding at least. Later I turned that into a strength. Attempted at least. By now I take care that I have what I need. The embarrassment I felt back then was enough for my taste. But now there are other things I have to be embarrassed about; Well, lets hope I get those things fixed as well.

I also have a Pro segment. I noted "Martial Arts ?? <> Music School" and "Outside, Smoking Pot". Well, I had some support for going to Karate classes, after doing some heavy convincing though. The Question Marks ponder upon that support versus the kind of "support" (force) I had to endure for being shoved involuntarily into Music School.

And yea, that concludes my little list.

All the things I accomplished up to date I accomplished after I made the Nasirite vow - and those were the first things I still got with me. I for some reason I can't explain still have my diary from the time I was in the armored forces and with it some notes I took back then. I guess it makes the other things I lost stories less believable? Well ... . Then of course all the spiritual goods I gained that can't be taken from me are still there - and with it whatever experienced I gathered Information Technologically. And I guess those MoA and some other "designs". Why MoA didn't happen as it could happen is still somewhat mysterious - but I'm sure there are reasons. Like me being not yet good enough. Or ... what seems more likely ... not having any proper behavioral structure to actually conduct that work reasonably. Dealing with the real complexity of what I actually envision properly. The thing that usually made me think back - where, whenever I thought "Nah, I'm so far now ..." something strange started to happen as things somehow failed to function properly. Yea, ... not everything that looks bad 'is' bad! And it somehow did fit the story. ???


Sela!? I'm not sure of all the answers myself. I would think that I have some Oedipus complex because I crave the Love from my Mother that I didnt get - yet the more I thought about it, the more disgusted I was by it while the parts that remain are for some other woman anyway. Is it real or just a crutch? Who can tell? Am I into mature or was it just that? I think we can't reduce all of ourselves to such petty explanations. Like my Transsexuality. Were I to question it, what remains? I can only think of it that way: Questioning my Transsexuality is to me like pissing at a tree and wondering whether the tree is there due to my piss since the piss actually so runs down in the shape of the tree. But well ... I stil feel like I have a lot more to digest ... so, now isn't a good time for this!

I might not even be finished here! WIth this trauma thing.

On the other end, I'm doing fine here. I've gained some weight and from simply just gymnastics and some mild strenth training I have nonstop sore muscles. I get Magnesium supplement now - morning and evening - since some time now actually, almost 2 weeks - and I'm getting "out" here next week. Then its 'day clinic'. Which means - I live at home but for the day I have to come here.

And yea - other than just dealing with these things myself all help I get here ... well. At first they offered me to somehow manage a meeting with my Mother which I didn't want. Then silence, and now the option for Anti-Depressives. I'll see how they work. Its something I have to handle myself and since I can't expect any of my relatives to change I'm pretty much stuck with my "sensations" - there's nothing anyone could do. I don't know how to handle it myself - but I am a lot more reluctant about connecting with them. I feel like every time I'm with them I'm getting weaker, as, once I'm back home I first need time to 'ignore' all the things back into their proper place in oblivion; And by the time I'm fine again the next meeting is there. I probably caught a lucky time to be here since my mum also used to be in holiday leading up to it. And this month also took an unexpected toll on my bank-account. So, double yay! At the end of the money still so much month left! ^^ ANd this time I barely spent any and yet am almost bankrupt. This webspace now costs me nearly a hundred bucks - which means that I now have to start saving to be ready for the next bill. And I do 'only' have 500 gigabytes for Videos, which means - thats as much as I could possibly do. I don't know where we're at right now. 100? 150? Well, there's still plenty of space I guess.

But the uploading is a chore. If I upload multiple at once there's an almost certain guarantee that at least 33% fail. Sometimes more than 50. ...

Like so, I spent that entire weekend doing nothing but - after laying there for some moments - recording and then after I had slept, while I went to sleep as I got really really tired - uploading. And the time I had to upload everything wasn't enough as you might be well aware of. And it does feel straineous at times. I say I feel well but at times I put myself under some extra stress - and with that included I'm not doing all 'that' well right now. I'm still weak. Everything exhausts me. I'm basically exhausted almost all of the time. Partly from eating, partly from sports. But I'm above 50 now! Should be around 51 by now. Being optimistic ... 51.5. Which means I'm probably at 50.9 to 51.1. Well. Its going up.

Getting no feedback on what I'm doing here sucks! And, I ... I should spend more time pondering on how to properly whine about these things!

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