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Explaining my PTSD situation

SidesteppingPosted by Nicole Mon, July 16, 2018 21:31:57

[not knowing how to properly whine yet!]


Maybe first up I should say that the way I got to think of it in the first place was that I've been curious about my medication and then when getting to the PTSD section my heart got all heavy. For almost a week I've been sortof sad or melancholic as I've been exploring that feeling - a feeling I first got to associate to my disdain about my Mother visiting me here. I said to her that I didn't want her to visit me because I didn't want any stress. Maybe that was harsh on her but its still the truth. She, to me, is annoying in a way. And for the most part I don't even think of all the things in the past. Its something about her ways thats just ... way too negative for me. I maybe wrote about it here and there. It may be just the way it is - but, right now my heart is getting heavy again and I really wish I could just skip this.

So, anyhow - at some point I started to take notes since I noticed that I wrote way less than I could have written; And upon taking notes I unearthed more than what had been on my mind up until then. I was about to write about this - but I delayed it - up until just recently where I already had forgotten about it; Except that every once in a while I kindof got it on my radar; But one particular story was somehow triggering me. Not enough to really get down to it, but right now I just ... happen to have the time and the mood.


I have a good mood.


I admit that at first I don't have any real reason - at least superficially looking - to feel traumatized. What I tell, ... I can't really copy paste the feeling I have dealing with these things to you. Its a thing I wouldn't have noticed myself - yet at that point back then it came to make sense that way. There however still isn't any traumatic event per se - but more ... the impression of a generally traumatic childhood and youth. Not in a sense of getting actively abused, but ... I don't mean to win any "who's more traumatized" contest here either.

Traumatic is maybe the wrong word. "Suffocated" would be a more appropriate term. "Deprived of ... Life" in a way. And so there's that story I was about to get started with. Its rather ... mundane. You ... if I were to just tell it and leave it at that would possibly think I'm ... out of my mind or something. But so, here it goes: As you might "know" I've spent some time in the Philippines, going to college. So I had my cell-phone with me. It was 2001/2002 - and I had a Nokia ... whats the number. 42-something or whatever. Was pretty common back then. So, a thing that was "all the craze" back then in the Philippines was Cell-Phone modding. I got me some neat black case with blue metallic ... the thing there thats usually silver - and some blue LEDs. And not the shiny black. The ... whats the word. Well, not shiny. It was really awesome anyway. I guess I also had some transparent keys to go with it. Not all, /// or were they still standard? Not sure anymore. Anyway, being back here in germany, well, my sister talked me into giving it away. In return I would have this super ugly purple front, blue back - just ... if you think of the most ugly thing you probably are somewhat close. She probably said at some point that I'd have it back - but I really didn't!

So, I told you the story with my favorite pants. There also was my favorite Pullover at the time. It was the one thing of all the things that she managed to forget the iron on; And she tried to fix it, but, it really didn't look like much. Did I tell you about that wooden case for my comics? So, I was drawing comics and had the idea for a wooden casing. I asked my gramps to cut some wood and drill some holes and I put the thing together using some string. And she just threw it away.

While my dad would so be at work and it'd always be a scare whence he came home because I wouldn't want to show my homework because I didn't do it - my mum was on the phone pretty much all the time. In that sense I guess 'neglect' is the thing; Which so would turn me towards my own things and because they would disappear before I could really make anything of it - got stuck on Video Games and movies. Well, so however my impression of myself that Mass Media were my true parents.

And the "disappearance" of things didn't end with my Childhood. After I got into QBasic I had this really ... cool thing going. After some really bad attempts at some Adventure/RPG I had learned a bit more and put it all together. I had an editor where I could draw the map - and certain colors would relate to certain textures. Then some collision mapping on top of that - well, simple squares, and most importantly some tile-setting. I even managed it as far as to link overworld maps to dungeons, had "magic" going so to for instance shoot rankoons to cross some gaps and was just about to implement a shopping system. I still have a lot of my QBasic projects, but that one somehow disappeared. Its the only one that I somehow meant to continue as it was the one that actually worked as intended.

Then there also was my first step at remixing using Acid. I had some "planets and the stars and the moons" collapse in there, sprinkled with some Axel F interwoven into some other beat ... something of a transition - it was really cool - out of all my remixes probably the best and the one I somehow lost at some point, without which the others, ... well - meh.

It didn't even end after I was living at my gramps. I had a room for myself and one might think that there on my own nothing could be lost anymore. Well, its ... strange. There's for once the thing with the mystery bugs - and that one would be on God; But, looking at all things - I'm glad I had more time to grow before really getting into it. However - I was afraid that yet one might spy through my stuff and so I put my drawings into a case, taped it and put some ... I told that one already! So, the seal was broken. Leaving me, at least as far as my thinking was concerned, back in the dark. "What could I do, where could I go?". All this makes this feeling, or more ... "subconscious desire" to escape, to be away, to be on my own - maybe even alone. The lack of Love from my parents, it didn't seem like much at the time. My brother had a serious heart failure and was in hospital for a long time - and so I understood. I didn't want to be that guy thats naughty due to some lack of love. But in the long run - all the "amazing" stuff I had ... just gone. Some went missing due to my own failure. Thinking of LA for instance. Some things however got lost while basically being in my mums care. Well, I wasn't around - I was being naughty another way - and somehow between then and me taking my things back some of my stuff disappeared. An attempted translation of Genesis 1 for what I'm concerned of.

Since early that may have fostered a habit of beginning things but never finishing them. I never learned to do so. I never had anything for longer than that. The lack of love which ultimately would hit me subconsciously in terms of my creative work - which so wasn't just a lack of love but actually a presence of hate - made me sick. Craving for Love and that how I was susceptible to that Love promise I think. On the one side looking for that Love and Care that I wouldn't even think I deserved - I didn't even notice it that way. Just love. On the other - making something happen. And so that was the end for me. My attempts to 'reach' that girl with my Gospel stuff - again just going nowhere.
Maybe I can't deal with applause because I've learned that it doesn't mean anything. But neither did I learn the value of money that it might yield.

The argument that I never really did anything with what I had so turns out to be bullshit, although there were times where I actually believed that to be the problem. It may have been true after 2005 - or so late 2007 where the mystery bugs began - but up until then I should have had a lot more than I had to work with - and some other part was lost due to naivety. A "desperate/noobish" attempt to somehow make something with what I could do at the time.


And so, 'naturally' I was driven out and since Drugs and the social connections associated to them were attractive without me having any alternate 'real life' - thats a huge part that ended up defining me.

In a sense I could ask you: How else could I have seriously thought to "just go" to LA - without a plan of any sort and actually enjoy staying there, on the streets, homeless, for 3 month?

Yea, J.Lo or not - seriously, after the first few letters I didn't really bother anymore and much more just enjoyed the time there. Fuck her!


So, what else do I have on my list? Comic/Wooden-Case - check. Pants and Pullover - check. Negativity - ... uh ... well. Lets just say ... she might support my trans-sexuality superficially but still carries out some skeptic remarks. Its ... annoying. While other times she's just embarassingly supportive, like I'm some baby. I didn't note that one. "Showcase Kids". OK. Thats about the Philippine community here. So, every now and then there was some party like a Christmas party and she'd usually want us to wear certain things - or when going to church especially. Like we're just there to so carry some image she had in mind we are to fit into. She's also been on the phone most of the time, chatting with friends - and so in a sense I never felt like I'm more to her than just decoration.

Hypocrisy. Well, ... church. Being all "holier than thou" might be just a general problem with some people. All I saw growing up was that this religion didn't really mean anything. Until I found that book that is.

Now I have in braces {Addiction to Love, Disappointment, Illusion -> Drugs, Games}. Yea, so, check.
Then -> Ignorance (that thing when shoving things into oblivion that eventually get to haunt one later) -> Money (from mother).

I'm not sure what I meant there. Well, the money thing is the recent thing. When I attend some family meeting I get money from her and I usually don't feel right taking it. I feel dirty, I feel bought. I feel made dependent on her. Which is why I happily take that money and spend it on bitches. And about that ... well ... I can't escape my femininity. Is that also something they did to me? Well, I don't really have all that much fun "working a woman" - simple enough. Well, maybe that depends on how much woman there is - or how interactive she is. Well, whatever. Let that be a thing for antoher time.

So, forgetting things, shoving them into the back - I don't know about doing so consciously. But after my parents got divorced and we had a new life sotospeak it was more so my Brother who I think made things disappear while my mum just ruined things. I would however try to move on and guess simply ignored all those things. I wouldn't know how to confront them with any of that either.

Next thing: -Brother (Toskana, Love). Well, thats a thing. One time my brother got sick-leave from school just so my dad and he could make holliday in the Toskana while I had to stay at home and go to school. At the bottom of those notes I've also noted "Spargeltarzan" (Asparagus Tarzan) and ... the german word for those that put the trash away. "Men at Work". Those were two things my dad used to say to me. Asparagus Tarzan as a nickname and the letter more like his prognosis for what I'd end up as. I was everything bad while my Brother was caressed and beloved. As said, I glanced past it and was excited for what new Video Game there would be, or what movie I could watch.

Next is 'missing stuff (QBasic, Remix). Check.

Then: Problems to bring things to an end. Also check.

Then 'delusions, mourning'. I guess thats somehow self-explaining. I mean. OK. Delusions I have noted relative to Love -> Psychosis and by that I mean my craving for Love which led me to imagine what I couldn't have. Oh, and I mourned as at night I would think of why this Love wasn't true or what she might be doing and I eventually imagined things ... like once I actually believed she just died. Other times I'd just 'cry' myself into sleep while lamenting her ignorance towards me.

Troubles to bring things to an end also linked to Paranoia - well, check.

Next thing is 'Food (Breakfast, Lunch, Supper) -> Change of School, Divorce'. Well neat. Here's some advise on how to loose weight. First, plan your daily nourishment with a big english breakfast, some good juicy bohemian lunch and some, whoever has a thick supper kind of supper. Then, first, skip breakfast. You can get some other stuff on your way to lunch. Then, at lunch, skip it. You don't need it because you just had something. To then make it to supper just take something else - and you would have guessed: Simply skip supper. Eventually you'll get along with eating less and less along the way ... and in case you need more, smoke a cigarette and have some coffee.

But seriously. We used to have breakfast, but then at some point we didn't. After my parents divorced - anyway not. And we were humble. We didn't even expect lunch or supper. Some ... Kebap would be enough. I barely noticed it. As I changed school the first time my dad basically took me with him to work and I had to stay there until school began. At best we'd stop by a bakery. Then lunch - I'm not really sure if I had any. I spent time in his office or elsewhere - and got some Kebap, eventually, on my way home. I have a hard time remembering but I sure don't remember any regularity there. Supper at best. But I guess I shoved those memories into oblivion too.

Next: Art, Lifestyle <- Outside, Games, Drugs. Hmm. Sometimes I think I simply associate different feelings to things and understand things I noted down the wrong way. This isn't really any more than that what I wrote of already and to me right now simply reads as: Those things became my life, my relief.

So, below "Extra" I've noted the Handy, and 'Bad Equipment'. So, I used to get sent to the Pathfinders and I never really made any friends with the equipment. Nobody taught me how to use this Food Pot or whatever it is anyway, my backpack was way too large - and I never felt 'well equipped'. Well, to my understanding at least. Later I turned that into a strength. Attempted at least. By now I take care that I have what I need. The embarrassment I felt back then was enough for my taste. But now there are other things I have to be embarrassed about; Well, lets hope I get those things fixed as well.

I also have a Pro segment. I noted "Martial Arts ?? <> Music School" and "Outside, Smoking Pot". Well, I had some support for going to Karate classes, after doing some heavy convincing though. The Question Marks ponder upon that support versus the kind of "support" (force) I had to endure for being shoved involuntarily into Music School.


And yea, that concludes my little list.


All the things I accomplished up to date I accomplished after I made the Nasirite vow - and those were the first things I still got with me. I for some reason I can't explain still have my diary from the time I was in the armored forces and with it some notes I took back then. I guess it makes the other things I lost stories less believable? Well ... . Then of course all the spiritual goods I gained that can't be taken from me are still there - and with it whatever experienced I gathered Information Technologically. And I guess those MoA and some other "designs". Why MoA didn't happen as it could happen is still somewhat mysterious - but I'm sure there are reasons. Like me being not yet good enough. Or ... what seems more likely ... not having any proper behavioral structure to actually conduct that work reasonably. Dealing with the real complexity of what I actually envision properly. The thing that usually made me think back - where, whenever I thought "Nah, I'm so far now ..." something strange started to happen as things somehow failed to function properly. Yea, ... not everything that looks bad 'is' bad! And it somehow did fit the story. ???

!!!

Sela!? I'm not sure of all the answers myself. I would think that I have some Oedipus complex because I crave the Love from my Mother that I didnt get - yet the more I thought about it, the more disgusted I was by it while the parts that remain are for some other woman anyway. Is it real or just a crutch? Who can tell? Am I into mature or was it just that? I think we can't reduce all of ourselves to such petty explanations. Like my Transsexuality. Were I to question it, what remains? I can only think of it that way: Questioning my Transsexuality is to me like pissing at a tree and wondering whether the tree is there due to my piss since the piss actually so runs down in the shape of the tree. But well ... I stil feel like I have a lot more to digest ... so, now isn't a good time for this!


I might not even be finished here! WIth this trauma thing.

On the other end, I'm doing fine here. I've gained some weight and from simply just gymnastics and some mild strenth training I have nonstop sore muscles. I get Magnesium supplement now - morning and evening - since some time now actually, almost 2 weeks - and I'm getting "out" here next week. Then its 'day clinic'. Which means - I live at home but for the day I have to come here.

And yea - other than just dealing with these things myself all help I get here ... well. At first they offered me to somehow manage a meeting with my Mother which I didn't want. Then silence, and now the option for Anti-Depressives. I'll see how they work. Its something I have to handle myself and since I can't expect any of my relatives to change I'm pretty much stuck with my "sensations" - there's nothing anyone could do. I don't know how to handle it myself - but I am a lot more reluctant about connecting with them. I feel like every time I'm with them I'm getting weaker, as, once I'm back home I first need time to 'ignore' all the things back into their proper place in oblivion; And by the time I'm fine again the next meeting is there. I probably caught a lucky time to be here since my mum also used to be in holiday leading up to it. And this month also took an unexpected toll on my bank-account. So, double yay! At the end of the money still so much month left! ^^ ANd this time I barely spent any and yet am almost bankrupt. This webspace now costs me nearly a hundred bucks - which means that I now have to start saving to be ready for the next bill. And I do 'only' have 500 gigabytes for Videos, which means - thats as much as I could possibly do. I don't know where we're at right now. 100? 150? Well, there's still plenty of space I guess.

But the uploading is a chore. If I upload multiple at once there's an almost certain guarantee that at least 33% fail. Sometimes more than 50. ...

Like so, I spent that entire weekend doing nothing but - after laying there for some moments - recording and then after I had slept, while I went to sleep as I got really really tired - uploading. And the time I had to upload everything wasn't enough as you might be well aware of. And it does feel straineous at times. I say I feel well but at times I put myself under some extra stress - and with that included I'm not doing all 'that' well right now. I'm still weak. Everything exhausts me. I'm basically exhausted almost all of the time. Partly from eating, partly from sports. But I'm above 50 now! Should be around 51 by now. Being optimistic ... 51.5. Which means I'm probably at 50.9 to 51.1. Well. Its going up.

Getting no feedback on what I'm doing here sucks! And, I ... I should spend more time pondering on how to properly whine about these things!

Quest For Truth Update

SidesteppingPosted by Nicole Mon, July 16, 2018 18:46:18
Added "(On) A Quest For Truth" to the main story page.

Hospitality

SidesteppingPosted by Nicole Wed, June 20, 2018 04:15:19
So, today was a bit shorter than usual; But thats because later I got to be at the hospital. Thats in 6 hours and I also have to still upload everything and make sure that I have the time for that. Last time didn't go so well. So, I'll be in the ... Psychiatric Ward ..??.. at the "Buergerhospital" in Stuttgart (TuerlenstraSe), and ... I have mixed feelings about it. I've had a bad feeling basically starting with 'way back' when the journey began. I went to that Psychologist, from her to the other and there because of concerns about my weight I got to the Hospital; And those people there seem to have a talent for understanding my stories ... that way. Ways so far familiar to me. Saying what I say just making it sound really crazy. So, I'm not sure what to expect; But ... some of my problems - regarding my eating disorder - may be of that kind. I just don't see the connection between "this and that". So I hope that I at least will be able to gain some weight; As ... being this malnourished really has an impact on my mind. How long ... I don't know. Yet.

I however am most certainly going to be fine!

Else - I don't know what else to write of, so ... I'll keep this short!

I might be not around for a while starting Today.

SidesteppingPosted by Nicole Fri, June 15, 2018 08:19:47
As I'm possibly going to Hospital. Anyhow - as to comment on the Matrix stuff ... what I learned in hindsight didn't help me much. I played some more after it, the next day, and I was back to basically just 'one' command group for most of the time. The problem is that when moving out I don't really do anything. I park my army in front of my base and wait. Thats the early plan - but once I did well at unit production I should be fine. Whatever. Nobody gets born perfect ... .

Anyhow. What I actually wanted to "say" at first is that moving in I didn't know what to really expect to be different when high. And usually thats when things really work out. I've been high yesterday too and pretty much played like before.

I got to wonder since the last time I played Street Fighter high it also wasn't as usual. I played weak. And sure - a lot of it also comes down to the opponent. Its easy to forget about that. At least - I think - in a situation one as mine where the social contact in regards to these games isn't truly an intimate thing.


Anyhow - where I played "properly" lets say ... its extremely slow. Too far into the game; Obviously dragging things out unnecessarily. But its been a good visual example for me to be honest, though I'm not sure what to make of it in hindsight (and sobriety).


Uhm yea. When entering the ladder the big thing is that ... this style of building elaborate Fortifications is a bit more difficult to pull off or throw in. So ... to "perfect" this style a lot more work has to go on. And by work I mean ... elaborate math and experience on the build-orders and stuff. And I have to get bolder on moving out; And if just for the sake of experience. Which is the pitfall with laddering too much. One doesn't really get better by just doing that. Even so just playing against the A.I. can be iffy in that regard because ... one also ranks up and down in that play. So if you just wanna see how something does for the timings sake - well, on the one side one can overthink it but on the other end when necessary - and if just for curiosity - one has to make sacrifices.


But then, playing against the A.I. is somewhat more chill. Maybe what I learned wasn't useful at all, but it was fun!
And ... thats not, ... it.


OK. In deeper depth. I only thought of sharing things this way as I was playing. And maybe I played more than I should have. Time wise it didn't check out as I was supposed to be at hospital yesterday already, but it did check out because that ... is a different story.

Playing slower ... well, for once its difficult to come up with a strategy on the fly. Often I find myself at a point where I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do. I forget using the hotkeys properly once stuff has gone wild for a moment. Being high, I'd say, in a variety of ways impaired my play. But on the other side, that I'm not 'as fast' anymore, or prone to getting stuff wrong, forgetting things, ... the type of engagement I have with the interactivity is different. I would so play the game, move around - and while I find time to do something I'd do it. In a slow game ... not much of a problem. And that all is time to think about things. Time a more tense game wouldn't have.


On the other side is Starcraft, or playing Starcraft (over the long run) simply a game of evolution. Trying to copy the builds of pros is one way of getting into it, but usually one has to consider its viability in terms of the own skill set. Getting a bunch of early units is OK, but not worth a lot if you don't do anything with it. For instance. So its about going back and forth between playing and doing experiments.

So, what did go on in my mind early on during those high plays is that I'd have two groups. One main army and another group basically thought up as a spellcaster squad. But anyhow - coordinating things didn't go so well so far. I forget using what I got; And am a lot of bad in a lot of places. But anyhow, this isn't about me all of a sudden going grand-master either.


Its difficult to explain - well. Maybe I'll wait some more until I actually know what there is to be explained - for what shouldn't be clear already.
...

As usual - a follow up commentary to my tweets

SidesteppingPosted by Nicole Mon, June 04, 2018 04:00:46
I'm sorry if I'm too itchy. I want to get this over with ASAP - and each year I think: OK, maybe they're waiting for my birthday. I say things like 'take your time' and ultimately there's no way around it either. But if you then lay it aside - all of you - and put it on the 'backburner' - I get disappointed. I don't understand whats going on. I don't understand 'you' - whoever you are. However - a part of this.

My Birthday is December 6, but by now I'm so pissed about this that if you waited for my birthday, even if it were just a week away and in your mind rather close, I'd be pissed! Really really pissed! Because I'd assume you've waited for it ... 'all the time'. It would really arrive at me the wrong way!


The real 'magic' time for me is 'this'. Pentecost and the stuff associated to it.


"Take your time", but 'take' it ... for the right reasons ... I'd say. Feast yourself on the things - and once you're overwhelmed, take a break, pray and ponder. Use all the time you have to get closer to God - and soon enough, you'll see the Light!

Have a nice ... whatever!

Page 2 Update

SidesteppingPosted by Nicole Mon, May 28, 2018 19:46:23
Page 2 was updated. And I was sober writing all of it. The old page is still around as "white version", but ... you'll see it inevitably.

Random Sidestepping Choreography

SidesteppingPosted by Nicole Thu, May 24, 2018 00:02:03
Here are some 'epic' fightscenes that stood out to me after I got high. So, there's one Tony Jaa fightscene in which he fights two dudes dressed in black. If emphasizing one example I would take that. Its a nice fiction of 'what if' now a person with the abilities of a Shaolin Monk were to ... well. What is on display there was certainly physically happening in some way. That means that there is the physical fitness that goes along with it - and while by 'Shaolin Monk' we mean primarily 'strength' and 'resilience' the focus is rather on moveset and dexterity. And a fiction it may be - but impressive nonetheless.


The truth of it all comes down to, well, how real one can get with it. How strong someone can punch, how easily all the different things come out - where, well, blade now is something Special. So, here we deal with 'naturally' supernatural strength - and that makes the Choreography more forgiving.

So, what can we learn from it?

Well, if we make it about anything its probably about some things being better than others - and at that point we can or have to wonder what of all the things that are in general is the best. As its about Martial Arts - its however also about some being better than others, and by some I rather think of individuals. Either way, in the end it still is 'what they do' - and whatever it is, they do it well.

Why not just say it? "Tai Chi". I mean, thats as close as it would get to something everyone can 'simply do' - just as anything that doesn't require you to have a Dojo or expensive equipment. It also keeps you healthy, or ... 'regenerating' at least ..., ... and its something that is good to have. It gives you a feeling for a different part of yourself - except maybe if you can't internalize its core principle(s).

"Flow" ... as a thing.


All the action ... its just a cool thing on top of it. There is a guy that is gifted that does things very well - and he wins because thats the story - but yet there's however something more to it. I mean, unless its a comedy, ... there's something. Or even if its a comedy, ... there's something ... special that may be silly. The point being - serious stories deal with progression and logic of some kind. So do Characters have backgrounds that ... "supposedly" make sense ... and we eventually can only imagine what there is at the "core" or "heart" of it. What I up into here isn't about what it is - but about what it might be for us. Or you individually. If there's anything at all. I mean, taking the idea from the picture. And of course - ultimately - that is about God. Because in order to "be 'the' Guy" you'd need to fulfill certain ... criteria. In a general sense that would be 'being the Good guy' - and as competition has it - in all the which is betters than whats there is the ultimate Truth - so, where we're beyond simple ethics and things are more existential in their relevance. Or esoteric? Higher? Divine ...


Well ... it are movies. Movies are fun. And thats ... that! Thats 'it'. Not everything has to be serious!



Persistent Troubles

SidesteppingPosted by Nicole Tue, May 22, 2018 16:37:00
Well, I'm just done watching ... how did I call it? Random Sequence? ... well, Matrix #5 - and ... well. I was curious. I went in 'thinking' that ... well. Lets take this back a little further. An underlying theme for me now are the changes within me. Previously I mentioned trouble I've had ... uh, right now I'm kindof back there. Things are puzzled on my mind. Twisted, flipped, ... confused.

But so ... I felt more calm going into 4.3 and more so on 5, ... so, I had a "lets see" attitude going in. Rewatching it, well - its certainly better than I had experienced it to be while I was doing it. I noticed that what I've written there barely made any sense. I mean, the context for me writing that did totally not work with me watching it. I was curious, and ... as I've started to write - uh, where did I? Seraph, after the fight. As I started to focus on the textbox and was curious about what I'd write I got torn out of my immersion and that generated some dissoance which reflected within my perception of what was going on. So, note on that: Distraction is bad. Relaxing is the way to go. Preferrably with some weed. And about that - being high while doing it so far worked better for me personally, but ... once the high is ... 'bad' or stressful it doesn't really do anything for me.

Anyhow ... generally ... what I took from watching it - that I experienced it differently was the big takeaway. And so, the whole "priming the randomizer" thing was kindof a shot into my own foot. I mean, "too bad". As I wrote that I referred to something else. But ... seeing it as some sort of statement from God at me about how I meant or thought I had to "prime" it ... yea, it makes sense. But, thinking of the rolling stone, ... one can see it either way. The reality of it would come down to the very first video. There I just let things run, ... and at that particular point it just ... was the thing ... that got captured.


For a moment I also felt like I (the guy writing) was the Antichrist. Its ... weird.

And underlying trivia ... well ... I thought I was perfectly right doing what I did. "It was meant to be". And it also lines up with the "me being cast into the realm of Darkness" bit; So, where I in heaven am not part of the holy realm. It stood out to me just how things are different for me as I do it; And yea ... I wanted to write about that.

In essence ... things are jumbled. Its like ... the rolling shutter effect. Or, well. For once am I distracted, I listen more to the music and judge the quality from there, so, how the movie plays into the music. Its like my mind is numb in a way. And the volumes are different on the recording from how I heard them.

... I guess you can see what I mean in the two tracks leading up to the skrillex part in the Smith fight. Its something I'm generally worried about. Sometimes I think I skip too quickly while in between I'm afraid that I've lost my sense for what works and what doesn't.


So, I think there's something within me thats fighting against me and as it distracts me ... hmm ... no. Strange. Anyway ... it doesn't really matter that much!

... now I feel this "hunger" which I basically know ... doesn't really ... "want me to be good". I think while I'm dong it, this mood simply drags me down, I look at stuff from a depressed angle and that is probably designed to make me stop.

...

And now I'm freaked out.

...

Edit: And thats what often gets me to skip around "too much". Similarly I thought there was too much dubliners, or too much 2Pac, like as of recent I thought there was too much Nas. On that side - well. If you're thinking of objectives for me - I'm looking forward to it. I mean - its got to work out somehow. But I don't villy nilly click around. I sometimes want to go to a particular moment, or just follow some "dot" on the line. Maybe that dot is there to piss me off. Initially it wasn't there. It came in at some point - but well. Whatever.

There's something pissing me off - but what matters is the result. And it seems that how what pisses me off when is also in essence subjected to God. I mean, ... sometimes its as though there's an on and off switch too.

But what is the reason ... why can't I ... stop this here and now? Why need I go on writing? I haven't gotten anything left on my mind. Or am I to write about my failure, that I'm sorry, ... and so and so? ??? Doesn't make any sense! Well, except if it depressed you and you would so go in with a distorted mind. ...

Well, the mood you go in with certainly kindof matters. Once you're tense and you want there to be a payoff - thats not gonna happen because thats not how movies/videos work. ... "LOL".

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