My Blog

My Blog

Tarot of Love

Fundamental/EmpiricalPosted by Nicole Fri, September 07, 2018 19:11:52
Short Summary:

Hope is Love. That is true. More so than Love being Hope. "Hope is the quintessential Human delusion" - sais the Architect. "simultaneously the source of [our] greatest strength and [our] greatest weakness". I have discovered truth in this. Hope in a relationship builds Love. It is basically the prime aspect of 'growing Love'. While I look for an understanding concerning Love, I do look at its substance. How it came, how it affects me, how it interacts with my beliefs - finding the lines that distinguish between different kinds of Love and trying to give good advise as best as I can. This is primarily founded on negative experiences with it. Beyond those however, there is always "that Love" which is "not" the one I'd warn you of. "Hope" it seems. Maybe ignorance. The unwillingness to let go. But why? However - at the end of the day the one and only 'good advise' will always be that: "Go for it! (but be careful!)". Does the 'be careful' need to be a part of it? One might say yes, the other no. Some believe in the value of advises, others say that we have to make our experiences ourselves.
At the center of my representation stands a Card. The 9 of cups - which practically was at the bottom of my deck since I wanted to make sure that I get the number right. Well. According to the guide I have, some call it 'the wish card'. That a wish will come true. Then again it is however said that it could mean to 'look closer'. Since this card popped up in regards to someone I love I hoped that my wish would be fulfilled - already believing that it would have to - while at the same time being prepared, at least I thought so, to see it the other way. Well, however, I will 'take a closer look' at it today. I did. Already. Hope is Love.
But is Love more than just the consequence of Hope?

To get into that, I first want to |talk| some more about the Tarot itself.


I will try to elaborate on this by reflecting upon a bunch of ... lets call them Oracles ... that I've received during the last week, the events surrounding them and the events regarding them.

Recently "we" have discussed how the 10 of Swords:

expresses the functionality of Tarot. So in response to asking the Tarot about itself - at which point it shouldn't be considered weird or contradicting. Of course it would be contradicting if there were no such thing as higher powers. Then we so may ask God personally about whether practicing it is OK or not - yet, to expand the topic onto that: I've learned from God, about the Testimony (asking Him about stuff) that its no absolute answer. That of course doesn't apply onto the main Testimony; Well - which we need to begin with. However - to get it we already require the knowledge that will compose it. Later, the practicality of the Testimony equally boils down to things we cannot resolve on our own. Otherwise the answer is usually "ill conceived" and the 'real' answer will present itself in due time by other means. That means that we are to have an open mind in concern of the world surrounding us. #Science.

We so need not ask God of the truth of Gravity since Gravity is freely available to us. Although Newton wasn't 100% right, it was enough for the time and in due time "we learned" to resolve the conflicts contained in his theories by other means. That implied that we recognized the conflicts in this theory to begin with. #Einstein, #Mercury.

Now I have wisdom of another Card in the A.E. Waite Tarot Deck - and that card is 'Strength'.

My daily Oracle for today was this:

Which I usually lay in the evening prior to sleeping. Thinking about them so far in different ways. This time I was too tired to think about it at all, so I just took notes, took my little guide-book with me and looked at it as I found the time. By that time the Strength and Knight card did already conclude. And I didn't have a clue just prior to it. By the way: The text in that guide-book concerning the cards is written by 'Rachel Pollack'. I so far did find it generally difficult to interpret the Symbols, especially the cups. But we'll get into that later.

Now, the reason why I think the 'Strength' Card makes a good entry example to the nature of Tarot is, that I think that "its effect" already took place the moment I chose to delay an interpretation. In that sense, the Strength card issues, well, we can call it inner competence. Or childish naivety. Strength that simply comes from within. So in the idea a person that is curious about Oracles, gets one, can't deal with it and chooses to move on regardless - that behavior could already expressed by a variety of cards, no doubt.
And so is the nature of it. These cards simply contain images. By themselves vastly without meaning, but by the picture in combination with its title it begets meaning; And as part of an Oracle it may carry the same out.
However, I would say: Life is fluid. And during the average, uneventful day, these may already be too many cards to say something.

So, to catch up: 1 is the 'main aspect', 2 is the past, 3 is the "future", 4 is the root and 5 is "the crown". According to that booklet, text written by 'Johannes Fiebig'. Those are merely suggestions. If you don't want to call it 'fortune telling', the future is simply ... stuff to keep on mind.

Now does this oracle speak to me as my "configuration" for the day. The Emperor would so describe my main aspect of the day. This didn't come down to any particular event, but more my position in a given clique. And by that I don't mean to say that I was the dominant part. Or "its leader". The 2 here is I think a bit more complicated and vastly what I'll be concerned about when it gets to Love. The root card would properly represent my basic concerns going into the day, which is also stuff I'll get to when it gets to Love.

Regarding this particular oracle does it stand that I today had some personal autonomy and strength going into the day. And reflecting upon today I can say that I didn't need this Oracle in order to 'fulfill' it. But I'll get back to that when we get to Love.

Hmm ... this was more inconclusive than I thought it would be!

But so, regarding the Knight of Cups - my problem is that I try to combine the idea behind cups with the idea behind Knights and thus end up seeing Pages, Knights, Queens and Kings as practically the same. So, those of one color. Knight of Cups wouldn't be much different from the King of Cups. And thus the next Layer opens up to me - which I find in the descriptions in that booklet. I would think that those insights are more sophisticated than mine and often open my eyes for what I am to look at. We get to that later with the Queen of Swords.

In simplest terms is this however 'the background'. Literally. Thinking in terms of Poker or Rummy or whatever, the Pages/Knights are lesser than the King. Going by it as I did - that would simply result in a spectrum of the same meaning. Maybe somehow trying to extrapolate an opposed idea for the Queen. But given that we may see them as identical, the only thing that separates them is the "dressing".
So I however found it amazing that the description of this card reflected upon things I had done, although in this sense I do rather attribute that to the card 'Strength'. The Knight of Cups is there described as something a bit of a dreamer. We don't know what he's up to, whether he returns or leaves - is however "on a search".
TO make my own description I will have to first wrap my mind around the concept of these Symbols. Cups are associated to visions - and so I would think of the cups representing my own visions - yet does the Knight of Cups seem somewhat frozen. Or "posing". He's just there, holding a cup - and other than the identity there isn't much of a "Knighthood" we can find in him. So we have to see it in context to our own. Since so the 'truth' that he is a Knight, his Knighthood not being found in the picture thus reveals its own ambiguity to us. Respectively the Knighthood is ... "something".

The cards description (in the booklet, so going forward) further reads the meaning of a "Spiritual Quest". Yet as advise 'to move slow'. Its difficult to unsee the "Slow Motion" he apparently moves in once having heard of it that way and trying to think of it independently. But so, its weird to speak of motion within a still image. But it further reads: "Be aware of your emotions within your acting". This is something I could apply onto now, this and here. And in-deed is there something like that which 'primed' the topic of Love as presented herein to me. It also came to me today. After all, there are a bunch of events that this card now in this sense applies to. The question would be: Does the card simply drop into these events, making them look more special than they otherwise were? What if the card were a different one? Would that also ... fit the bill?

So, lets ask the Tarot for a Card to compare with.

OK, I'll stick to Ace of Cups as it flipped around while I was shuffling.

And from merely looking at it I could fit this card into the very same events. What so 'primed' my idea of Love would be the Vision delivered by the Hand of God. Respectively would I see things "through this vision", and continue to carry it out here. However, my "hunch" is that this card would have come if I couldn't really write about it. So, in comparison to the Knight is this more so presentation to the beholder rather than actively moving to it. So, too close? Lets pick another one. 8 Wands.

I suppose ... 'same thing'. Instead of speaking of "it" as of a Vision, I'd speak of my desires addressed thereby and the divine stuff intertwined with "them" - or so, the vision. So, its "mean" to pick this card if we criticized the ace of cups as 'too close'; Yet so in comparison to the Cups would this card less apply to visions and more to events. According to the description do some associate team-work to this card. While I didn't have any of it today I'd be left to think of the higher power; But the events I associate to 'Strength' and 'Knight of Cups' today - I would attribute those to my own actions rather than Gods. Neither did "our clique" (which shaped and fell apart today ("inn Joke". The guys last day today)) really do that much together. We just bought tobacco between talking a little and having lunch. So, it sortof fits - but ... not quite.

The next one: Judgment.

Yea, well. In a sense could we say that this text now is some Judgment. Or my conclusion following the days events. And this transition/change that the descriptions would speak of, we could say that my 'vision' will have that effect. However, the conclusion of that vision isn't really conclusive yet. It still contains an open question. It doesn't really represent an 'end' - yet merely another stepping stone.

So, so far we had cards that were 'inherently' close to the subject matter discussed. Might we get one that isn't? The next card is 'Justice'.

Well. Its also kindof close. But, that only concerning one single event that I associate to the link between Strength and the Knight of Cups; While as that, it would we a better fit at replacing the card 'Strength'. However is its tone too exaggerated for that. While I could take the previous cards prior to what happened and be somehow on the same track, this card would have really confused me today. Except maybe in a very abstract way.

Maybe that event shouldn't matter at all. Maybe I just took note of it because it had happened and did fit the description. And so I find that the Knight of Cups plays a far larger roll today at all. Like, I ... uploaded the videos from Yesterday and since they are too many and I have just a little bit of space left I have to pick more carefully. Now I found that I wanted to have something - and then realized that that part was amongst those I actually put away as skipped.
And yet again that wasn't something the cards had to tell me. Which ends up being the ... weird, ironic, contradicting part of looking for Oracles.

Yet so, that is a good segue to the topic of Love. Here I then might write some more of 'Strength', that 'event' - but more importantly, what I feel Tarot has helped me with.


There are a few concepts of Life, interaction with God and Love - that work well together and essentially oppose the idea of a 'practical Oracle'. Thats the crux so far 'stumbled upon' - when it gets to Tarot. Maybe I was just lucky today though that I had 'strength' on my side. Well, let me ... solve this out a little.

Speaking of the 'problem' with Oracles we get to the same argument that defends accusations against the inaccuracy of Testimonies. Simple thing. But nevertheless do we sometimes feel helpless. And this sounds like the ideal Pitch to start advertising for fortune tellers. But its nonetheless a truth. We would ordinarily see those as ordeals that we have to go and grow through.

Then we've also had it a bit with the ambiguity of the nature of these Oracles. That however is a good thing for something like an oracle by Cards. Would we so think to throw in cards that are less ambiguous, we'd have to deal with the consequences of entropy a bit more. Entropy - in its relevance to this stuff - has first been a topic in the Matrix Phenomenon. While eventually difficult to miss, well - its kindof ... so that although the tracks as they play in order are subject to divine intervention by being very specific configurations, they yet "seem" to obey the Laws of entropy. That means that it is highly unlikely that the randomizer will pick tracks in the order they appear in the playlist. For instance. While it is not impossible that the same track can play twice in a row - it is highly unlikely and the pattern of which tracks the randomizer picks will always appear random.
If so a card had a very specific meaning, lets say ... the "You'll die tomorrow" card inserted into a normal Tarot deck ... you'll have to deal with the possibility that this card is going to pop up at some point. And if you so lay Oracles every day - you'd suggest that this card would never ever be drawn until the day before you die. That, by the laws of entropy, is highly unlikely!
So this card would pop up, we assume, without you dieing the next day - and yet something might happen that would remind you of that card. So the meaning would get "ambiguated".

Now, ... there are 5 oracles that I want/need to share with you. 3 day Oracles, and 2 'intuitive' ones. The first I should share would be my baseline for this week. Since the week is over tomorrow, its still not truly concluded but I think that they are already fulfilled:

The black ones are cards I forgot. I didn't write them down. I first laid the back row and then the front row. The back row suggested this to me: It will start good, then 'the star' thing happens, and then we'll be together. What then happened was that the devil 'meant' that I was deceived in my primary assumption; The 'change' that is to mean cure was the 'fallout' of that initial negative; And the 5 coins ... they probably mean that I'll go out empty handed. That I'll be stuck 'looking deeper' instead.

I was optimistic all throughout; And there's still a chance she might write me today, but ... lets not. The 5 coins, when taking it as "institutions won't help" would yet speak against it.

At some point then I was still confused and wondering about what I should do I received a comforting feeling as I thought or was bumped into laying another Oracle. On the other side I had three day-Oracles this week so far; And I could understand each of them in the lines of hope going into that relationship.

But now, I think I must apologize since I won't share ... possibly any of it. I'll just ... be straightforward on this.

This Love was building up before I started to use Tarot cards. So the Hope was already there. I barely remember the first day Oracle I wanted to share, but I still do remember three things: The Hierophant was at the root, the Queen of Swords was the Future and the entire thing looked much like Celebration. So I thought it for good and believed that the Queen of Swords would mean a hint at how I would succeed, or how it would happen. That day was the day where I asked her the second time and got denied. So the Queen of Swords

Still resembled the 'work' of the day, which was to "keep the faith" or at least stay optimistic despite the bad weather. Or more so, the 'looking forward' in this ... 'mixed' weather-prospect.

However, what I did to 'fulfill' the Hierophant was that I put the cross onto my bag; And, later that day, I did another Matrix session with the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. That I didn't intend at first - but, while I was so playing Final Countdown I had the inspiration and thought it a good idea. Also thinking of the Hierophant. All in all I got away with a good mood as I didn't try to be too mad about everything.

Then there was wednesday.

This was it, I think. Then there should be thursday ... but I don't remember. I guess I forgot. No! Uhm. OK. Anyway. Yea. So.
So, what this meant for me was 'change' - because of the dead-man. A transition. Well. After all - I was in a really bad mood all day long; Feeling like dead, pinned to the ground; With only dreams to get some kind of optimism - yet during the day I made sense of how I thought to make sense of it at first. Just ... in a different sense. In the end, I had saved up enough money to buy me something, and that something should be a new Hard-drive because the Matrix Videos have piled up filling everything to the brim.

Then came Thursday.

It looked epic. It had the tower, judgment and for the future - the 6 coins. For the past - 9 coins. It came 'after' I had done that 'individualistic' Oracle - and done some stuff accordingly. Then I had a well rounded something, a message, that I could give her. Of all the cards I could have interpreted as "give her the message(s)", it was the 6 coins. Not the Knight of Coins, not the 6 cups. Not the 6 swords - although that one well represents me in my hopes and moods. Willing, looking forward to it, but also rather pessimistic about it.


So, this is the pattern. The second card relates to top, bottom, left and right. The first card to the rest. This I think best reflects a more complex situation. So, what it did was that the rear card was the High Priestess and thus meant to me things I should be quiet about. Perhaps dream about. Think about. Be peaceful about. The near card I guess was the Knight of Swords ... and the cards relating to it ... I didn't really know at first. Death was one of them. But also star. And due to that card I understood that ... . Well, it delivered to me the presence of my inner aspects, well, "the Animalic" as the description reads it. Things at the bottom of that Love. And as I so began to write I further had to remember that the 3 coins basically still "blocked" my progress in a way. So, the thing that initially "told" me to maybe write something and "channel" it into ... the progress. Though the more I wrote the less I liked it. Anyway. In regards to the cards as they were I wrote. Death always came to mind as I wrote of my pessimism. In the sense of admitting defeat - as however I felt it at the time.

I so produced what I then understood as the wealth depicted by the 9 coins, which then set the context to the 6 coins. My wealth versus her poverty, sotospeak.

And because I 'dedicated' yesterdays Matrix phenomenon to her, its still connected that way. But so, judgment and tower. How did they ... apply?

Maybe not yet. But, I felt greatly reliefed anyway. Judgment? I guess, its just in the way how I got the thing to her. Usually ... I see her going out shortly - though since recently she's been avoiding me - but she also seemed somewhat ... different. More ... like ... coming back to it. Maybe that has something to do with ... oh yea, I ... really forgot.

So, in the recent articles you would read of my struggles "with her" that would basically be struggles with ... other entities. Well. I had my thing, the intention to give it to her - made out in my head how, ... I had the opportunity and I didn't - but thats too far ahead already. Moving up from the station to the place I felt this ... weird burning sensation. Like, so with my thoughts - moving into a ball of fire. Like ... I wouldn't or couldn't give it to her. Like she'd be too upset by then already so ... it just wouldn't happen. I only "knew" how to suck all that burning into my heart and eventually it evaporated. Some things remained, but ... the big bad nasty had cleared up and so did she also seem to have lightened up. I chose to sit next to her, with one chair in-between. That day folks however decided to sit so that I would feel really alone there, so I moved one over and ... I don't know. If theres emotional telepathy it wasn't that bad!

Yea. Its ... ... a Love story as it might only happen in a Psychiatry. "If it is one".

So, Judgment happened - changes happened - I gave it to her, the ice broke a little. And ... well.

SO we get to today - after which I can finally come to the "real" part. Uh. ... well.

Anyhow. Today was a bit odd. She seemed ... well, busy. Not negative. And "the event" is really just a silly one. TOday was "motion group" - so, sports, activity - while, there we usually just throw around with balls or other stuff. Catch with left, throw with right, both at the same time ... stuff like that. And since there are usually new ones there's the game of throwing the ball while calling their names. And between her and me I feel this is awkward. I think that people misjudge the "difficulties" - when ... "mentally challenged". So, while Antichristians would know "the game", they'd play the game. Part of it is to let others 'not' play the game; And so - however - there are all sorts of issues in my mind. You maybe know it. "But others will think" or "She will think". She got the ball a few times, looked at me, and then struggled to find someone to throw it to. And yea. I usually ignore her by trying to figure out whom I 'should' throw it to. I don't know someone's name - or want to "practice" it - I'll do it. Or I'll try to see who's been left out, or is somehow in the vicinity of where I might approximate the balls destination. But I also felt like throwing it to her - and thats strength in combo with the knight of cups right there.

Although strength really took more effect later in the group where I just happened to have a good mood and wasn't really all that pre-occupied with stuff.

Yea - well.

End of the line.


So. Hope is Love. As usual - once I've "sent out" a thing, I usually start thinking of things that I 'forgot'. I was in a mindset that was totally different from mine while I was writing. Specifically the item of hope and belief. I didn't question my ability to overcome it if I had to - but, though its just a minor thing, certainly was too pessimistic considering its consequences.

Well. Hope is Love. And while we hope, belief isn't far away. And so also the story with Anna. She never quite ... killed my hope. With Marie its different. I don't feel like trying too much - but I was left riddled with ... concerns. Concerns that I had addressed and now its up to her. If she wants to make it up to her. So I'm in an awkward spot, but I don't feel awkward. I feel relieved. All my concerns are addressed in that message; And if it doesn't mean anything to her I must have been wrong. In this case no answer is an answer - and I understand that without any hope I don't have a reason to believe and without a reason to believe I have no reason to be or feel disappointed.

But I 'know' - the better now - that it was "more". There's a certain potential that, if she decides to give it a chance, will end up in what we might call true Love.

Not in the esoteric sense. In the intermediate sense.

So, what have I learned and how?

Well - open minded ... nothing that I wouldn't have learned without Oracles?

But yea. What would I expect? I had inner struggles - asked, after all, Cards for Guidance (in a sense) - and, I'd expect them to tell me 'yes' or 'no'. But we've learned that these cards have an inherent ambiguity to be valued for what they are. So, they couldn't tell me what. So I'd have to learn what they'd be wanting or willing to tell me. And by learning it, I've learned something - for life. Not just a silly bit of Mysticism - but something profound. Something I was confused about - that the cards guided me through. It was due to that, that I got to write what now makes me feel like I've accomplished something - without anything left. Well - there might things be left, still, ... useless detail that wouldn't matter one way or the other. Well. For now that is, at least.

Would it have happened otherwise? Well, who could tell? The one who could would of course have to say, I assume, of course! But still - the Oracles were better than nothing. I might assume that if I refuse to draw any cards the next week, something good might happen. Or is that superstition?

There are things to maybe dig into that a little deeper. I've begun to write her before all the Tarot stuff. Which to me already meant as much as 'failure'. It meant as much as: "Too much time has passed so that now my escape is on paper". And that, no matter how much I didn't want it that way, would mean that this would have to be the way inevitably.

And so the three of coins popped up "all the time". Well, initially at least.
Together with the 9 cups, which, was probably foreshadowing this.

If it works out in the end, its still true that hope is love. And how this hope gets born ... that may be the answer to what it will be in the end.

Hmm. 9 swords. Whats up with that one? Yea, the 'saddening truth' finally becomes aware. To me it used to be how I felt weekend after weekend, or night after night as time went more and more dire. Its like I had that card programed into me to associate it to that when I saw it. Then it was like a mirror. But I wasn't saddened by this outcome, I was ... smacked by being in Love again. With someone I ... deemed ... maybe too wonderful to be true. Being afraid of getting myself into "just this" situation yet again. Unwilling to do, unwilling to bear the risk to get disappointed yet again. But the way it went on, day after day, was that I only grew more and more eager to see this to an end. A conclusion. Mostly driven by hope. And belief. And if this is now all just to burst like a bubble - I however finally learned it. And this lesson is valuable even if it comes together.

So, well - so far.

Hope is Love - thats ... all I have to say.

Nightmares and Fear

Fundamental/EmpiricalPosted by Nicole Mon, August 20, 2018 00:39:36

[Nightmares, Fear Conditions, DMX, Feminism ... and more ... and less]

I should sleep, but I feel like I shouldn't - and thats one of those feelings that I've learned to ... trust. I'm ... about to, anyway.

I've had nightmares in my lifetime, but ... not for a long time. There are three, basically, that I can recall. One of them was a repeating one. Or should I put it as: "one of those" ... repeating ones? Well, of those I also had a couple in my lifetime.

Well, in the one I came into the main "hallway" of the apartment I grew up in. And at the one end my Dad appeared and he had the appearance of a T-Rex. I got scared, ran away - the other way. Heading towards the balcony - and I realized that it was just a dream and I jumped down.

If what I think of choices in dreams is right - then that was the moment where I "decided" that I can get along without him.

That repeating one - was basically a black void filled with spaghetti like ... roads. I moved upon them and eventually they'd get ... bumpy. A weird feeling. A little bit like once a sleepy limb wakes back up, but different nonetheless. It was nasty - it felt uncomfortable and for the Love of God I wanted it to stop. Eventually I got onto a smooth passage - and I guess since there and then had this hope that one day things will be ... 'better'. Or in my lifetime ... to look for it. I get reminded of it every once in a while.

The other one ... I found myself somehow chased by a black man. An afro american - who chased me up a skyscraper in construction and at the end of a beam he shot me. I fell down - and as I smashed onto the ground I woke up. And the guy looked like DMX.

That may have been a prophetic one. I remember another one where DMX had a role. I somehow was "washed ashore" in NYC. I was looking for a place to stay and found something. Maybe too good to be true. Eventually however it got scary there - and I escaped. Swum in some water ... to some point. Got out. And then - it somehow blurrs away. Next things I remember are walking through a house filled in red Light, DMX opening a side-door to it; And then ... Eminem dressed as a clown with some other clowns ... smashing against a garage door that ... was filled with graffiti and had just closed. Then I woke up - with some meaning of ... well. It was like ... if I "sided" (?) with DMX, Eminem would freak out.

I had another dream where I got killed - or more - but I wouldn't call those Nightmares.


Well, Prophetic dreams?

I've had such. And also with my Depression I think I'm getting into areas that aren't as easy ... to "get". I mean, entering grounds that seem out of touch. Like, things that to me happen to be easy but others ... maybe don't 'believe' they could ever "get there". And to that I think that those problems are problems that are ... well ... "intrinsic" to ones mind. With that we also get to this "fabled" ... "enemy within". The mind eventually grows beyond ones own ... errors ... but those errors persist. Simply because over the time they've grown stronger - and that because they're ... "essential" ... to, basically, ones ... "Character". Character, yea!

Its like the foundation to a house - which is ... basically ... irreplacable. One has to tear down the whole house to ... "fix it".

Fear. ... I had fear. But - in a weird way I learned to ignore it. Or escape it. To a point where I wouldn't even rationally comprehend it as fear anymore. I realize that now because ... "they" (Psychiatry) talk of fear frequently. And I, when I get asked about it I generally have to say 'no'. But there are those moments - usually after I got high, but only sometimes - where I have this weird ... anxiety. Its like instead of the "sweet high" there's this fog, ... a black dark fog with phantoms inside that wanna reach for me and make me feel like I've done something wrong. Well, it starts there - and I assume that this is simply because thats "my frontier". Thats where "they" begin to chew. And if you don't have those ... "fortifications" I have then they might have more control upon you. Well ... . The thing is - I get into those situations also when I'm not high. At least - in a ... in some way. I can however relate to it and see how it would appear to me had I smoked weed.

And these things - maybe thats why ... or, I'm sure that thats why ... I'm so much into horror movies and such. I have the feeling that those 'manifested fears' work as a sponge. If I have correlating fears, or "phantoms", they somehow ... get manifest with the images and that on the other end makes them more relate-able to me. Its like ... pouring flour into water. The image gets cluttered up with the manifestation ... uh ... and so a face that I would tend to trust would appear not so trustworthy anymore because now the 'pictures' that are cluttered up with it carry their own weight.

I feel like I've seen all the movies free on Amazon Prime already. At least, the better rated ones. Meanwhile I'm scavenging ... what I would call "all the Nonsense". And yea, not all of them are quite ... "all that bad". But if I were to give them any prizes they'd still be more of the Golden Raspberry kind. More or less.

Well. There's this - which is unrelated to ... "the phantoms of the abyss" I have; If we want to call them that way - movie, ... the german title is "Orphanage - Das Weisenhaus 2" (Orphanage - the Orphanage 2) ... uh ... "The Orphanage Milwood"?. Well, its ... in its content reminiscent of a Psychiatry. And I guess it depends on ones mindset whether this movie would awaken, support or kindle such fears - or work as I described earlier. Well, lets ... think this through. It happens so that this "cluttering" thing doesn't work because there is no dark and mysterious phantom that tries to hide. So, rather is there a fear that then would further clutter up with these "horrors" - and so, it would depend on what experiences you have with those things. And well, the dramatic reality would suggest that ... there are places like that and so ... its a different issue.

I have my own Demons to fight - and I guess thats one thing I ... basically 'grew' afraid of. They were nothing I ... ever had any control of and thus ... it appeared unimaginable how I could ... fight them. But since I've found that what it takes is ... well, 'are' ... the right tools to it. While they are beyond ones reach, thats just the way it is. One develops ways to deal with them otherwise - and thats maybe how their terror continues. I had this one dream which I guess was close to a nightmare. I wrote of it - the latter part of it - just ... some time ago. The "Starcraft" dream with the Red Crystals and strange riots or overtaking. In the beginning of that dream I was living in the room I lived in before I lived in the Redlight district. Well, the room in my grandpas house. My dad was there and everything was just ... fine. Hmm ... now I remember a few other ... strange dreams. Well, anyhow. Everything was fine - but then some of his friends were to come. And everything should be better. But then I got worried - some strange fear came upon me - and then I fled. I felt ... stunned. As though something had tranquilized me. And following - this idea. That my Dad would only play nice until all "elements" would be in position to strike. Or was that the origin of that fear? I can't really recall that now - but anyway, it was mostly something that occupied my mind during waketime anyway.

And in a strange way - I ... felt it coming while in the same time feeling ... like I couldn't do anything. Surely, the idea of going into a Psychiatry seemed like the perfect fit. Its not to hard to believe, for me, that this outcome would have been foretold - while other things leave me to suggest that the opposite was ... the plan.

Which also reminds me of the T-Rex thing. Huge Legs, but tiny arms. Which I think fits the "natural power" of the Antichrist(ians) pretty well. They can do a lot in the shadows - but "the System", as it is, is operated through normality. Normal people have to exist in it. Live in it. Making it work. So, in a psychiatry with Normal people I don't have to worry anything! Well, the more it is run by them - the more problematic it gets; But part of my bettering ... well ... "taught" ... or yea, 'taught' me that I, in this situation, am my biggest enemy. If I refuse help, I'm on my own. And on my own, without anywhere to go, I'm trapped!

So, whatever it may be. Schizophrenia, real Phantoms, ... Paranoia or real Enemies; It boils down to the same thing, somehow.

I recall ... . Once I found myself in that situation of ... just not seeing ... "the end", or "the way". So I wanted to know - and I had what I would now call a Vision. A ... "sticky insight". Or memory? Well, the memory is clear - its sticky - its as fresh, basically, as the moment whence it came. It was a road; And it was leading up to a bridge - and there ... it seemed to be closed. Then there was a "Forrest way" leading off it. It also came to an end. Beyond this barrier there was a willow. Beyond that willow a ... some water. Beyond that water ... a building. And that was the way. Or "would have been" the way. Back then I was still in - and I just moved on as before. Some time later I was in another measurement of the Job Center - and thats where I got stressed out, ... and simply felt better staying at home. So, would that be the dead end on the road? Or was that me ... taking the exit? I got stuck there for a while until someone got concerned about me. This would seem like its the exit on the road; Like ... officials coming in and ... doing their thing. And so I might have had to look for Transgender Therapy another way.

Well. The thing is however that I can relate to the grassy area and the water beyond it. The grass, full of stones, that is now. Therapy. Thereafter - rehabilitation. Also - gender alignment. Would be a few years - but all in all - getting away from ... trying to pretend as though I could live a normal life in this situation.

How does a Ghost catch its prey?

I have to think of a movie called "The Bye Bye Man". In this its so that ... generally one is to not think or say his name. But yet there is one scene where the Protagonist starts to strike out the name, and with each occurrence of his name that is striked out, he moves closer. And so it would actually be ignorance that "summons" him. And likewisely, in the end he concludes that it is his fear that gives him strength. He tries to be brave; And he breaks his illusion for a moment.

Well, its ... perhaps bad to consult such movies for council - but, one thing is nevertheless certain: They deal with fear. Some would do it better than others - and each one potentially differently so. The classic story needs a beginning, a main part and an end. The ghost starts his shenanigans, the terror unfolds and ... somehow the thing has to end. Depending on what the end should be there then would be some plot device to end it, or not. Or there is one but it matters not. Or there is none but somehow it works out anyway.

Ghosts get scary when they can do stuff and also read our minds. So they start to drive "us" crazy. The two in combination make for a simple concept of a ghost. He reads our minds to do stuff. We pay attention to it, start to move within those illusions and by doing so we're already moving in its realm - a realm that is produced to take us closer and closer to him. SO, in other words: The further we enter its realm, the more powerful the ghost can be. Its ... simple ... "Geometry".

Those dreams that I remembered while writing of the place I used to live in - or being reminded of it - well, they ... as one could suggest by now ... are reoccurring ones. Sometimes I find myself sneaking around the lower storage hall and some ... shady stuff is going on. I hide. And eventually I find myself fighting. In the upper one some constructions are going on. And then there's something of a hidden treasure. I think thats my gramps' Testament. Accordingly, my brother, dad and I would get equal parts of his wealth. But without the original - we couldn't claim it. So, thats why the dream changed - after I moved out - where the treasure was no longer hidden in the house, but, in an underground facility.


Well, I come to believe that it wouldn't have been worth the trouble.

The DMX dream is also somehow clear to me nowadays. "How can I be a fan of his?". Well, I can only believe that in truth he's a fan of God - and so, whatever has been meant however ... well, however it may be ... shouldn't trouble me at all. I mean, whatever diverges from the true path; The one we all are to travel on ... cannot be considered ... 'Honest' ... in ... "that" sense.

And so I also come to find a where and when to write about Feminism. "Finally, ... "once and for all"".

Its something that has bothered me. Like, ... you just say a thing you believe is true and get into conflicts with ... "Feminists" or whatever. But lets put it so: 'I' ... have my opinion. Just like ... Thunderf00t or Undoomed ... have theirs. And ... "something" would like me to believe that I'm wrong listening to them. But well. Lets say that they are 'not' Antichristians. Just as I am ... 'not'. What does it change? Well - what ... would you do? Or would you have me do? Or them? There are ... principles. Things that we believe in, each in their own way, that ... "you" would have us give up because ... 'Feminism'.?!... . And we say no! Not out of hostility but, in your ... "rage" ... you wouldn't see it any other way. Because you 'have to' ... keep pushing.

And the consequence? Trouble!

ANd so ... there is this ominous "Way of Truth". What is it? What could it be? I'm walking on my way with God - and that takes me to things that DMX wouldn't consider ... 'real' or however we wanna put it. And so there is this convergence ... of our ways. Mine and his. Those like me and those like him. And where they converge - there has to be unity. We have to stand next to each other; With each other. Beyond that ... they ... might ... "leave" each other again. They can be them and we can be us - each ... being an individual again.

Cannot see it work?

It has to be a unified way - for all and forever the same?

No divergence?

No ... what?

Define! This Mystery! Can you tell me what it means?

Explain! These Notions and Metaphors!


You must see it by now! You can't win! Its pointless!

Are you fighting for something? For more than your survival? Can you tell me what it is? Do you even know? Is it freedom or Truth? Could it be for Love?

All Illusions? Vagueries of Perception? Temporary Constructs of a Feeble Human Intellect trying to justify an existence that is without meaning or purpose? And all of them as artificial ... as ... the Matrix itself?

Dig it like that: What is freedom if yours diverges from the one that God "intends" (supports) for all of us? What is Truth if yours only keeps on fueling a fire of hatred against God? What is Love, if all it is isn't more but a reason to fuel that fire even more? You wanting it your way? Not wanting some "White old Prick" to determine your fate? What is it?

"The purpose of Life is to end".

Isn't it?

"This Life" - this convoluted life. This life of confusion and redundant bitterness which we in our Mass Delusional Society somehow learned to romanticize? Or is it really just a of ... individuality? Well, who would know to keep the two apart?

Baptism however is death! Killing this old self thats caught up in the spiderwebs of the dark predators of this reality, its demons, phantoms, ghosts and what not. Allowing God to flush it by a cleansing Light - transforming morbidity into ... /true/ individuality.

You must be able to see it by now!

Is it freedom? Or Truth? Perhaps peace? Could it be for Love?

Feminism is Tyranny!

There's a line ... separating obsession from fanaticism.

Peace! And 'Sela'!

Serotonin re-uptake inhibition

Fundamental/EmpiricalPosted by Nicole Wed, August 08, 2018 15:26:46

Lady Slut and Roleplaying Issues

[A practical insight into the workings of clarity and love in relation to psycho-active substance intake]

Along with how the Matrix keeps on confirming me in my own self-perception I feel less of a need to justify me in my being. As of that I would normally start getting 'back' into that subject with a mindset that assumes that generally speaking my position is taken as nonsense. So I would have to start at square one and re-iterate the introduction points etc. which as it so happens would here and there come hand in hand with newer associations to the subject matter.

In this contrast I would further feel generally alone. Being 'down a path' that would be too extreme for even the most "hardcore sluts" to follow. At least enough to kick them out of their 'concept of alignment'. So I would for instance think that a person which has inherent ties to certain Satanic themes and Sexuality would easily feel stranger to the concepts I have to the point where there would be no alignment recognized. At that point it then would seem rather difficult for me to 'explain' how it is just an attitude problem. Or how that persons alignment would yet be individual and in its differences still valid as it is.

Yet it is one of the 'core items' of all that. Essentially one could metaphorize 'it' to the glowing candle. The issue of individuality and - to the "uninitiated": the Profane truth of Gods attitude to value and support our individuality. That however and most certainly (as utterly self-understood) in alignment to His great sense of divine Unity and Harmony. So, naturally it is one self-explaining tenant of 'Paradise' that we won't harm one another. Some might think that it is the nature of a finite world with finite resources that we have struggles to begin with, but of the ten commandments only one actually deals with worldly possession. If we exclude 'life' as one of them.

One has to keep in mind that not only do we there deal with everlasting Life, but as of that also with the term of 'living'. And living comes with all the "bam". Expectations, Plans, Joys/Pleasures, etc.; So that something as simple and technically essential as "reproduction"/Love (well, lets call it 'simple' (by concept)) gets complicated as it involves another individual with the same basis of ... "rights" of freedom. It is through that, that the idea of the promise of "70 virgins" needs to be linked to the question whether there even be 70 people that would wanna share time with you.

As otherwise confusing, I came up with the term 'Psi' (well, ...) in association to 'Clarity' to frame the social elements to it. So, my clarity being 'Whore' or 'Sex-Slave' - it needs be so that there is a Pimp/Owner for it to work. While that is implied within Clarity, Psi takes us/me to the 'actuality' thereof; Though I have to keep on mind that my case might be special in that my privacy and "professionality" are close to each other. It is however now so as a part of Clarity or Psi, that Gods influence can manipulate us. That is one way to assume that one might have X number of spouses. Thus - simply suggesting that God elects 70 individuals per person that are by all means bound to wanting to be with that other one. One way God could take care of doing this right by evaluating our individualities and corresponding interests and priorities. And there Love comes down to its most pragmatic and logical "data points". Whom would I want to be in Love with, if not with someone I can vibe with? Eventually this point is hard enough to make any alternative seem irrational - but it still is "too technical" to really sit well with us. We can't explain it, ergo we can call it irrational still, but as of that would also know that rationality - to our understanding - isn't always perfect. It is flawed. This is also why we should be scared away from "Golden Chaining". So, implying too much into a simple root of understanding.

On the same note: Free Will is irrational since if it were not, it would not exist since it would be entirely based on rationality. And by being that, there is no free will, or will at all.

So is individuality itself also irrational since rationally we should want and want to be all the same. Because rationality only knows perfection without divergence/risk.

Respectively do I understand my Love-situation as something akin to a puzzle. Well, or ... "flowers and bees" in a distant sense. Flowers and Bees - well, this model is easy to visualize. We have "buds" - and when in Love with someone else, their "bees" come and fertilize them. These then are 'memories'; Experiences that basically carry that social bond. And it is to me so that they cannot be undone. I suggest it is because of our emotional connection to them, that they simply become pivotal elements to our emotional constitution influencing our entire "social meta" (reasoning of Love). Well, unless we've lost our active memory of them. Then they work more ... passively. Yet as our minds have grown around them, they would still function in relative patterns.

So do I for instance know - as through the Force I must assume - that there is one that I am supposed to Love, but I cannot love "her" like I do love my #1. The "#1 buds" will always contradict to that.

So is it with 'adultery', the case of finding another ("more suitable") Lover, that the Love experience is different. One eventually saturated the experiences with the one and then moved on to something else. The success with that would/should depend on how "wholesome" that Love interacts with ones intermediate reality/world/life/consciousness/... .

In my case I believe it to be so that my "first buds" are "whore-ish". Saying: I have enjoyed various states of intimacy without direct Love towards an individual. Then came my first Love and respectively are there yet my 'first buds' that entice me to further experience my life as a prostitute of some kind. It is complicated - saying: It takes time to wrap ones head around those things. I mean - once things start coming they come, as far as I understand, in no 'practical' order. An order starts to be perceptive once a certain amount of "things" have come up; Sufficiently so to realize some context and relativities. Respectively does ones image/perception also change over time until it has settled within its own sotospeak.

This is to say that coupling is ... complicated ... when understood, as far as I understand, through "the eyes of God". And something tells me that it is not only complicated, but paramount. I further think that we aren't all "of the same cloud". Although some individuals might be bigger to the point that they are a part of a cloud that inhabits many. As a cloud I hereby mean, simply enough, a collective of beings caught up in what would be a "sense" of co-existence. A part of God, as I would describe it, that links us together. But perhaps its better to think of some geology where now there are regions, boundaries and gates. And then some evolution over time.

When thinking of Love we can so think of 'things' and 'links'. I can so want a specific thing, or a specific link. Both comes with the respective other; but priority-wise that also generates conflicts within our understanding of fairness. If I now want 'some-one' who would be best at giving 'the thing' to someone else - so for instance - whats it gonna be? Should God prioritize the link or the thing?

Ultimately to me it comes out that the link takes priority because they are unique; In that I for instance cannot replace someone. And I would suggest that that is good! It adds meaning to 'true Love'. But further we must wonder whether true Love is always mutual; And I would suggest: Yes - if so that these buds that I'm talking of are inherently mutual constructs. In that regard they would assure a 'strong Link' that also works for those involved.

It is now through such issues that my Clarity is re-affirmed. Or my clarity in some way shapes the demands wherein I then find my Love-interests confirmed. And thats how I experience the reality of my "sexual excessiveness". Ergo: It is 'not' a 'practical idea' of how life should be. But an abstract one.

But still practical to some extent. So is there my clarity by which I settle my priorities. Respectively - since my real-time existence shows none of such habits - do I experience it as stranger once clarity related concepts grow within me; But still is it so that any prospect of a related lifestyle happens to be enticing towards me. The more I progress in my gender transition, the more I'm easing up towards Loving 'men' - so, becoming Hetero-Sexual (or "remaining" so); Although ultimately I still see myself as lesbian.


It is now clear to me that the influence of the Force (God) in all this is 'fundamental'. Saying, God helps us procure our vital interests and priorities and further helps us structure our lives accordingly. That is clear to me since I've experienced the effects of Serotonin re-uptake inhibition (Anti-Depressives (Venlafaxin (75mg/day (starting with less)) that clearly cancelled out a certain spectrum of emotions. I can still experience their foundations, but the effect isn't quite as strong. I suppose that my depression caused a stronger draft into a depressing interpretation of those foundations.

Serotonin re-uptake inhibitors 'block' the body from ... "recycling" Serotonin. That is important because Serotonin cannot be "put into" the brain - or something like that. There's a barrier, so, when consumed it stays in a part of the nervous system thats irrelevant to our mood. Inhibiting its re-uptake means that more is available, but it also ... messes things up a bit. Its hard to explain, but ultimately the key insight to this is that the spirit has a broader unity with the body than we might suspect. I think we can draw an analogy to Quantum-Physics where we can imply that quantum states (super-positions) can be directly associated to Gods will. And as we are supposed to have physical senses to for instance feel pain, our minds need a strong link to its ... biochemistry we'd assume I suppose.

So can the presence of certain compounds within our nervous system be rationalized as carrying specific moods or at the very least 'impressions' - which then would be resources to our minds ability to ... function. So, the more dopamine we produce the more ... "off the ground" our thoughts can be. Serotonin on the other end helps us relax - in the broadest sense - while I however assume that its re-uptake is also coupled to certain conditions which once inhibited are simply put inhibited.

Hence does my sexual excessiveness now no longer exist emotionally - reasonably - ... uh, as reasonably emotional, but by a fundamental understanding of myself that yet renders me incapable of settling upon or reasonably creating alternate solutions. Well, unless there is sufficient space. One example of such would be in the assumed 'void' that a practically monotone setup somehow implies. So, understanding myself as a 'sex doll' implies that I have no reason outside of being a sexual utility and as of that would settle in a way that could be regarded as demise or depressive. One step further away from "mechanical" I understand myself as a pet. So, animalic patterns of behavior surrounding those mechanisms that make me that kind of doll I am. Yet with a higher level of mental activity we inherently leave that sphere where now the question for my mental activity needs an answer; And this answer can only be sexualized indirectly. And then, when so generalizing my activity as creative (Designer) my ability to realize that within sexual terms is also limited by ... things. Necessity for once; But maybe more importantly the respective impact regarding the equilibrium between submission and dominance. So, being submissive by kind 'should' block me from functioning "creatively dominant". So, the extent of how sexualized my intellectual activity can be cannot be inherently dictated. There is however a bit of tolerance. Well ..., the thing being that intellectual work is work of its own, where now sexual items cannot be rationally integrated. Thinking of math for instance can Sex not really be a thing; Unless that math could somehow produce sexuality; Which would be more of a random thing that furthermore were too ... abstract to settle on that for a thing. As so math takes the upper hand.

Well, I'm not that good at math but I happen to have sufficient understanding of it to support my Programming interests. While there I find myself ambitioned to utilize it sexually, the work itself that is to support those ambitions has to be done vastly in ignorance of it. Its a weird dynamic.

Well, regarding my Creativity however I don't really experience myself as free. That supports me in recognizing me as submissive by nature. And its only depressing if one were to exclude all the sexual fun from the equations.


Frozen - "the Witch"

Fundamental/EmpiricalPosted by Nicole Sun, July 29, 2018 15:13:34
[Of converging with the Darkness and Evil]

I once invented a Name for the Father; Abayan; And that moment ... a figment ... appeared. Lusting for it. Prolonging it. Digging on me so that I might give this name to him. I declined. Yet ... it went on. It continued. And soon - I'm not sure which - it continued with threats. Not against me, but against whom I Loved ... and I became weak and did as it requested. It wanted to take me from behind. It did - but soon I felt deceit; Yet I felt dirty, dirtied, ... the name ... tainted. The relationship to my Father, the Father, ... well ... apart of stains it seemed all just well.

Soon enough God was familiar to me by ... well ... a strong growth of hair on his back. And I loved it. It was cozy. Weird ... it should seem ... and in deed, we'll be getting there.

So time passed by and I had started to prostitute myself. I felt like I wanted to be a part of it but just wasn't. I wondered, worried - and the thought of praying to the devil entered my mind and started to nourish itself on my attention. However I tried to repel the idea, it seems as though I was sliding down a slippery slope without anything to hold me. The only thing that I could do was to assure that I wouldn't ... "do the bad thing" per se. Making sure that I wouldn't betray God.

Thereafter, that hair - once so cozy, a happy place like a wonderful forest - turned vile. Sweaty. Sticky. "Ugh" - Nasty. And it made me sad.

Before all that - I once smoked some weed. It was in the Philippines. I had it from some guy. I didn't know another way to smoke it but to take the sticky piece of an envelope to build a joint. I smoked it. Soon thereafter ... I felt like dieing. And I prayed to God to please keep me alive and in return I'd want to be the best Christian there has ever been. Thats where I heard a voice speaking "John, You know that I'm there for you!".

Much later I've been in L.A. at some point. I believed my Love for J.Lo was meant to be. Love ... ... how much ... ill has it brought upon this world?

I once woke up having dreamt of a girl and I knew I wanted to Love her. I prayed to God "please". Later that day I succumbed in the doorway - and vacuum cleaner was presented to me where I had to flip a switch. On or off. Whatever I did - it rang at the door later that day. Two girls stood there that I had never seen; And the one told me that I'm not a man and that she'd be off doing more evil than ever before.

I was in Love with J.Lo and wondered ... what to do? I wrote her a letter and wrote of my desires of submission. Like in a dream it so was that there had been a guy with a crown - and I could have been his ... I suppose. I'm not entirely sure, ... but I didn't want it. Maybe it was me who damaged this toilet ... because I had to in order to consolidate my choice. Not that I remembered much of it.

Everything I did seemed cursed. Could it be ... . My Half-Sister once had me swear something on the Bible. Something I knew I broke, and in return ... something with thorns around my hands ... should happen.

While I was prostituted ... I saw a lot people come and go. Near the end of my time there, ... I stole 25 bucks. While later I was accused of having taken 50 or 75 ... it doesn't matter as it however had been the end for me. I almost stumbled down the stairs, tripping over however once, ... it was a bit as though I got shoved.

There are a lot of strange things I went through. One more I just remembered ... is that I once fell asleep. I was a child. I guess I had listened to some Bible Story Audio Cassette. And in that dream - I think - I was told about my future. About what I am here to do.

I just told the latter ones because ... well. When else might I share them? Well - I did. I might.

Frozen ... . It seems to me as though I'm stuck. Stuck between condemnation and salvation. In some weird limbo. Be it on my way to heaven as some rift to hell opens up; Or on my way to hell with a ray of heaven shining at me.

So well. I quit working in the Red Light, was on the streets; And met even more of those people I had met before in NYC and LA. With one I ended up joking about how far we made it. Unemployed, sitting in a shelter. After some time I had my own room - I was busy with my own stuff - and ignored what friendships I had made. One ... left angrily. Understandably. I felt I didn't have the time.

... I was in LA and attended a sermon. It was in a park and I got to them near the end. The two that had held it asked me about me. Then they prayed for me, that my feet might find the right path and gave me 20 bucks.

... I was in LA and visited a Mormon municipality. Thereafter I went out looking for a post office and ended up wandering around aimlessly. I got thirsty and thought of begging for money, but I felt ashamed ... and unlucky. I asked anyhow - but, I maybe got 25 cents and was demotivated. I sat down in some shadow and inwardly said to God that I'm thirsty. Then ... a preacher who was preaching in the park came to me and told me that I'm going through a need. I jokingly replied that "Yes, I'm thirsty" - but he offered me 20 bucks for listening to his story. Or were it 10?

He was about to commit suicide once. Standing on the Bridge already, thinking that nobody loves him. And it is then where a voice spoke to him from within, telling him "I do". He didn't understand at first - but as he realized that it was Jesus he felt His Love coming over him. Or something like that. And thats basically how or why he became a preacher. And I call that 'the Testimony of Christ'. A ... simple 'epiphany' whereby the truth of Christ is simply put ... 'ignited'.

"The Witch" is a movie that I just watched. From the first moment I had to think about what it was that made me watch it; After I had seen that it wasn't rated all that well.

As I said - I quit my work, had a room, lost a friend; And it was there in my desolation that again ... Satanism would call upon me. I was lost in thoughts of Monica; Confused, wondering about her reality; And I was told that I would have to become a Satanist. The picture of swimming in a public bath, filled in candle light and crowded with people dressed in black was in my mind.

I tried to resist, but my heart turned sore. I saw the way - that it would suit my lifestyle, or my desires more to the point; Things I believed were from God, but diminished in their quality due to constraints of the Biblical Light. I thought it would have to be, as a play per se, a bridge for the mind; But still I resisted. My heart turned black. Splinters of black, tar covered glass striking through it. Just the thought of "making the step" made it go away. Maybe I didn't cover all the options?

I did it however. If it was a sign between right and wrong - it shouldn't go away for something thats wrong!

It wasn't easy to get my head into it. To cut off all the strings to fully dwell in the truth of this Satanism.

What happened is that I sunk deeper and deeper. Found myself a Goddess, craving for life in the Abyss. But powers? Magic?

The Witch is a movie about a Christian family that gets excommunicated from their village and moves out into a wild. They find a place, build a farm, but soon get haunted by a witch - and nothing they try does any good at stopping her. Higher Powers, Forces of Nature, ... all that misses between Mysteries and Sciences is knowledge.

I wonder of my life, my words, my story - everything, my status, my role, ...; And that I despite having experienced miraculous things - and so so at least once every 6 days these days - my life is so ... much not "like that". How little I know. ... Although when moving from picture to fantasy, 16 is quite accurate. Amazing!

I have to think about what I want to write about and must realize that I can't. Sex ... prostitution ... it seems like a cure to my problems. "Do what you dream". But oh my, thats another story.

Anyhow. I have to realize that a lot of crazy comes from misjudging the truths of reality. Clearly. We might look at the bads of 'panic' and see how irrationality causes problems where rationality could solve them. And its about the 'could' rather than the 'would'.

Hmm ... I had a dream once. Watching Matrix Revolutions on Loop for days ... I once slept and dreamt of being in the movie. So I woke up in the back of Niobes car, basically. So, I was sitting there in the back of that car in the dream, and woke up seeing the car on screen. And the 16-2 moment at just a little while ago (2:51) triggered it; The train bit - as that had been in the dream too, sortof.


Well, that somehow concludes the 'Paranormal Activity' I can record. There are dreams; And I think about keeping a dream record of sorts. I had prophetic ones that I understood as such in hindsight and I regard them as too cryptic to be of any worth other than that of looking back and understanding some sort of synergy between dreams and reality. And similarly I look at fortune telling. Fortune telling is similarly "a lie" in that it creates an illusion of ... not choice ... but the opposite while in the meantime suggesting some sort of control one might have. Irony, it seems.

About that though, to address the elephant in the room, ... I suggest its everyones own ... fault? Why is this word creeping up in here? Well - you take what you can and see what you will. Or ... 'as you' ... see what you will. You're looking for something and if it ain't the truth - well, you might see it but still not get it. If we are so without free will and perfectly victims of a semi-deterministic universe ... uh, whats the semi there for? Lets say we behave just as the configuration of our minds allows us to - "perfectly unfree". It is so ours to 'feed' our minds with the proper stuff so it would dig the right thing and do the right stuff, going the right ways. And well, ... 'truth' shouldn't come without some sort of lack of freedom. Its kindof, well, its purpose! Like in a math test. You are free to put whatever answer to any problem - but thats kindof ... not how it works!

As for the other elephant, or elephants ... well. As for this - I see two ways. There's the one of my clarity and stuff about freedom, peace, truth and love. Things that 'the enemy' would understand to package in a way that would have one suggest they can give you better than what God does. And I think thats one item at the center of "the age old struggle" between good and evil. The other is simply about the ... bad I did.

Or ... proposed bad.

? I however understand that God likes us and wants us to be free. And I yet see freedom in slavery. I have this thing ... which in simplicity has me regard this "alternative" as above other possibilities. I so keep writing on my software and get a positive feeling from aiming at finishing it. But if one were to give me the alternative by so for instance purposefully laying waste to it - I find it hard to resist. And thats just a thing, which I at other points regard as possibly deceptive.

God knows why you did what and everyone has to come around recognizing the own faults. Whether they be serious or trivial flaws. We can't overcome them on our own. On the other hand do we need to totally understand ourselves to better realize in how far God supports or interferes with our own freedom.

I so had a way before me - a way I might have moved further on had I not had that tight relationship with the Most High. In hindsight I must find myself pushed back upon it again - while God seems to care about me doing it so as though I had done the "wrong" thing for reals. I suppose its some kind of ordeal that is to put me into the right conditions so I might fully be a part of the world that I suppose is my 'home'. So, the realm of Darkness to be some more explicit.

At the core of it is this weird conflict of worshiping and Gods identity. As I was doing those 'wrong' things I had thoughts on my mind that wouldn't let me reconcile with God. So, I did a 'wrong' and due to that my relationship to God was tainted. I so had to be on my way and basically negate those thoughts in order to find peace again. Let it be time or a specific insight. Well, time would bring the insight.

Now, when trying to assume that all of us are to follow the same 'normity' of divine expectations - uhm. We can draw a cone. Bottom ring being us as a whole; And there's so another ring resembling a layer of rules we all can sit well with - moving towards a point at which our individuality faults us from being uniform. In the idea does this goal also negate our individuality. To draw the cone now the other way, do we have to find God in the center as point that illuminates our individualities which in so are a first ring on that cone. And as how shadows are cast our individualities project as a hologram along their 'lines'.

Well, that means ... or rather so implies ... that every one in a while "my core" - basically 'resets'. That means that I for instance gather up "dirt" in the shape of anything that resists my core identity. In that regard I by the way think I have ... what amounts to 'dirt collectors'. Then through how the line intersects with me, here and there Light "masses up" gathering so as thoughts that directly dissolve the dirt. This is when I move back into what I have built up by my "deviant self" - and I still have to let myself slip back into it, which again masses up "deviant self". A component that directly intersects with my realizations of God. Anyway. The strongest weight in this is "frontal awareness". "Thy self before your eyes in the presence of God". 'True Self' as "bottom to the core" as it gets. The own shame exposed before God. This is where I 'get cast into darkness' or 'fall into darkness'. Likewisely does God hold my bondage insignia to me, while sometimes He giveth Light and sometimes He giveth Dark.

Eventually Light came in the shape of dark.

And that inter ... mingles ... with my idealization of it. Or ... its synergy with my core ideology.

I so then start to Lust for things - and while I regard my pleasure as overwhelming I still can't get enough of it. Sometimes the gates are closed - thats where I can have enough per se - and other times they are opened. Here I'm bound to search for things to further consolidate my ideology.

Now, in regards to the witch we find that final moment where she had spent some time pondering in her desolation and ultimately chose to try out what black Philip could do. Thinking about it, we can find that the odds are in his favor. If she returned to the civilized world and told that a witch killed her family - "entropy" would suggest that sooner or later she'll be regarded one. Be it direct distrust or maybe the lack of faith in something such as witches. Now, classically the way of Christ is that of suffering through it. Which is where we would find ourselves in, with maybe no such thing as an alternative. In the movie we so find a turning towards a thing as a turning away from something else - though the turn itself ... . Probably her fate had been turning during the story. While looking for the right thing, she had been cast into despair which she had to suffer through. She then maybe conceived the Light of Christ for ill. Well so, by judging the people it created. And due to her initial prayer, God would now look for a way to show her His light. In this projected instance her so fiendship towards "them Christians" is in line with Gods criticism towards them. This we can now see as an affiliate of the Light, but still can also be generalized as affiliated to the Dark. While they with one foot might stand in the Light, it is in its state however yet still a false ideology with its own fiendish outgrowths towards the Light. The very Light they claim to stand with. By letting her turn into a witch, God on one end redeemed her from those chores while also giving her ... something. Becoming a predator maybe that feasts on corruption.

So we can now think of the 'sanctity' of the Light - the cliche where creatures of dark are, in the core, inferior to the Light - as for once protection of the kind, but in some other way also a line on which to find true allies. In the same can we so now impose the concept of 'synergy points' specific to a specific way of life or ideology or something - where Good and Evil can exist as the same. Its maybe "the age old tale" of good vs bad wishes. "Karma".

There then is so the issue that the girl turned away from Christ - superficially at least - which within is more an issue of how we package things to quasi "turn aroundst them". We can so take the 'general concept of God and His Law' and turn it away, or be more specific in what nature it is that we are repelled by. Here I have it so that God in the Light and God in the Dark come from two different angles. One is Light and just pure - the other is specifically Lust. I know the two for one but in their presence one usually outshines the other. And so to me it is true that I serve no other purpose than being a 24/7 sex-slave. I can't - resist rape. I must not want anything else. These things are true in an eerie sense - though still I can't but value and uphold the sanctity of the act; Drawing the Line ... where it ought to be drawn.

So it for instance is sometimes ... "difficult" ... to see myself as Gods bride. Not difficult to find and know and truly feel, but difficult to feed with weight as my situation in this role is still that of being a whore to Darkness. Yet the truth therein isn't solely fictional either. At a point in time I would have been more resistant to letting this be - ergo my situation in the realm of darkness was practically negative. So eventually things I did while mingling with the Light created a "spirit of sin", as though physical defiliation would generate a 'body of sin'. My 'weight' in these 'vessels' however is different from time to time. They resemble a perfection of myself that is partially fixed - thus being an ideal. Built by my ideals, prolonging them and procuring them.

Idols further come in shape of "objects" that 'fix' certain things into ... condition. While so dwelling in the dark - there were no rule of any kind but that of chaos. Chaos emergent around a Light that separates its nature from Order. Chaos finds an order within the negatives to that Light and becomes Evil. Evil now so becomes a "God" - in the sense that it sheds a Light of Order into the Chaos of Darkness that people can attach to. And so does the Light have control upon Evil.

For beings of the Light to dwell within this Darkness, they need to be able to synergize with its principles of co-existence with the Universal truths. These would now however not be inspired by the order of Light while aligning to an order of Darkness. That to so speak of the underlying sense. The divine Light as it shines in and out of ... "the Matrix". So are there desired things and respectively a desire for tools to procure them. Tools maybe more in the sense of guiding principles. So is there the concept of Sin which in itself has a way of synergizing with the Light. There so is the saying that each rule has its exceptions. Now is so the idea of sinning not practically Evil while understanding what may have to be excluded. This issue is then simplified once putting those concerns aside while firstly speaking of consensus. There so be a rule that one is to subscribe to - and by doing so they consent with its consequences. As I so consent to being a slave I automatically imply a certain rule of disrespect which within the overarching construct it is a norm defiant to 'the Light' while established in its own context as higher. So, the Light shines more through the constructs within than it does as its own and thus realizes this rule to those that have become a part of it. What I consented to goes far beyond simple slavery however. But well. Simply put may I suggest that as I'm driven by THE Lust I may find myself a medium to it. By it I fix myself into a position of synergy with it, as to so eventually become a pure expression to it. While I'm doing it internally, the bonds are yet getting tightened.

Bonds of romance have changed slightly over time - but at its strongest part they have grown and tightened following my ideals. So while there yet is a male identity I could speak of that has its own ideas of romantic synergy, it has become weaker and weaker. Within it I find a source of peril - which however is specific to sexual connections. This doesn't amount to my every-day being that is free from those restraints. It is that however not by their absence, but within their presence. Where, ... an implied overarching social context dominates in its own.

What Evil I have in me is further based upon Lust as well. Here Lust procures an 'expansion of pervertedness' into realms of darkness. So, ... Evil to procure Evil. Driven by Lust. Here Evil is as aligned to its own right co-existing with the Light. So it isn't evil in the Literal sense, though still so in the order of things.

Specifically my desires there converge around an ideology - surmised to procure "the specific gist" of their ... expression. Thereby I find myself in a fantasy setup that has been drafted around certain ideals, over time generating something such as a picture. There so is the Evil in the order which I'm entitled to since I'm part of the darkness. Sin is to Evil as a Sail is to the Wind, ... and based on my Lust the kind of Sin I procure is sexual in nature. As through my position as slave the side I see myself on is the victim, where my ideals to procure evil now extend along this synergy - and there things mingle in an area where submission and dominance have a different order to them. So is there that part of the/a desire which is in inherently dominant, though another one - the expectation - is submissive. It can be very active - as is the nature of this - as so there is a dominant wanting and a submissive craving. Dominant or Submissive to the ideal. So the desire aims at specific things while the expectation lusts for specific outcomes. In my case that what I 'want' procures sinning of a kind while my 'expectation' craves to be its victim.

This so is a tiny amount of dominance within my system, where now my Lust aims at being fixed in a way that circumvents it.

The situation here is circumstantial but not without any prolonging from my end. Circumstantial is to say that I at first had nothing about it - yet is there so this imposed layer as part of the consequences wherein I am to describe myself. On the other end to I inherently aspire higher degrees of "conflexion" with the Light, where now fantasies that would imply some social surrounding also need to make sense. In that there so are lower and higher orders - where logically there be those on top. And so is "the fall of the Valkyrie" simply put, if I may put it like that, an exposure to her inward nature.

I so basically further retain my innocence in that I may only truly prolong evil without any power to do any more than that on that behalf. So, seeing myself as victim, in the sense of procuring that situation, is already as much of it as generally present. And since my evil is so basically just my own "nature" there is that part which loves to be regarded as 'sow' for instance - as it converges with the truth in that bit. And so by simply being that I can retain my evil inside of me as simple compliance with these circumstances.

My dirt collectors make it so that I grow resistant to these things devoid of any means to truly resist them. But well - eventually that comes down to the intermediate reality where conditions don't need to align with their desired surroundings.

What I want for myself is also a matter thats more complex than simple definition. I so may only want rape, but part of what we associate to self and becoming goes beyond that. Character for instance. Here part of myself is driven by Evil - where my desires for being an innocent slut essentially require an amount of 'force by order' to say, basically redeem me from my ... personal aspirations. At least ... all that which defies the definition.

Still however whatever grows there is a part of the being.

Yet so is 'the Blasphemer' - we might say - the highest degree of sexual submission and bondage. My blasphemy thereby isn't direct - as everyone is simply tied to the conditions.

And so there must be things to create conditions.

As are there. Like LUST. We further however require more. Lust is vague - in itself - and furthermore gains shape through the /inflicted/. Love then also mingles around these concepts and matters over perception and bondage may have a hand at driving things into matters over property. I so feel glad to be property as I feel glad over my owner to be able to refer to me and relate to me as such. And so I'm also bound to be happy with the consequences thereof. Where now the social order in place is set to drive things in everyones own favor. As I so desire further exploitation are those that I belong to setup to further exploit me, in turn being there for their own desires in it. Be they personal or as by order. What I subscribed to however being generally. Drawing a shape wherein individuals have to unfold. Or may. Want to.

On the other hand is it Love for each other that creates our own intimate spheres of pleasure.

While the consequences so however shape me, these things though ultimately align to them as well.

There so to my situation is a feeling of daunt to it. Its simply the nature of consequences that we're not in control of all of it. Thus we're lucky if we can adjust to a higher force that understands how to settle things to come by wonderfully. What daunt I have easily transforms into ecstasy and is what you might regard as odd about me. Or suicidal. Crazy. Insane. Because of my ways I know no other way of putting it. All items are tilted into a certain direction, causative to a higher picture, ... hence there is no escape. And thats daunting. Seeing how the social pressure transforms me into something that I am not - but pretty much would love to be. Thats where my hope rests in. Or my 'lifes elixir' if you so will. There's a slim line between a feeling thats deeply curing and grim darkness. And utter despair? Those words just so dropped into my mind.
It feels like a jab to my side. Reminding me of the spear thrust into that of Christ.
How to traverse it - that however couldn't be up to just me.

What reliefs the daunt from me is the understanding of how I would get there. That I would at every step towards it not only want it, but furthermore deeply enjoy it. If that means "Good by Agoraeyah", then I have made my peace with it. While I still can doubt it and think of certain things such as that certain things just are and can't be perfectly circumvented - I may surmise that whatever I'll need will still be present in that case.

It ... has to be.

I believe.

And so I think we're all naturally driven to our centers of converging with the Light. The better we understand it, the more we'll get out of it; As the closer we can be with God!

Gender "Science"(/Gnostics) within Unification ("duh")

Fundamental/EmpiricalPosted by Nicole Tue, July 17, 2018 21:45:20

[Plowing a Path in the Wasteland]

This isn't meant as "politics" 'for the Unenlightened'. I don't mean to do that - as what I mean to do here is strictly 'post unification' 'studies' of the 'internal mechanisms'. ... Something like that. Which is not to say that the Unenlightened shouldn't be here. Strictly told ... this is far from consolidated or sophisticated; Yet I have reasons to strongly believe that not all that one is prior to Unification stays that way. In a way however that also allows me to lean the opposite way. Its complicated, somehow. Pretty much like a fractal. I mean, think of a triangle. Now you take "the center" triangle out of it, so you have three touching each other. Google 'triforce'. So, you've taken surface area away from it. Now continue and turn the three triangles again into triforces. And so on and so forth. We see that the surface area keeps shrinking. It eventually approaches zero, but factually that can never occur. So, ... in that sense ... the whole thing stays that large triangle of the beginning, is more complex and yet also less than it used to be. I'm not sure how good this analogy is though.

We're in the beginning of something. And I'm not enlightened to the point that I might act like a supernatural version of Google. And by the way has it never been the function of a prophet or a messenger of God to know everything. Thats a human fallacy I wish people would rationalize quicker than going down the "lets test his knowledge" way.

Disappointing? Well, 'welcome to the real world!'.

When it comes to Gender 'science' - you can't tell me what I am. Lets define 'Gender' as our "Social Orientation" akin to Sex, where Sex be the Biological, sexual outset we have. And in this regard I disliked, so - getting right to that Undoomed Video I featured - the terminology of our Sex being 'decided'. No, it is 'observed'. Its a pivotal truth. Observation is key. Now, that part of the LGBTQ community that is outraged by this - I would say something like "piss off" - but, to get right to that outrage, the issue is that biology is biology, and however the 'spirit' evolves is nothing we can determine. So we can take the word 'gender' for that. And to determine ones gender further observation will be necessary. I would think of "pre-schooling" our kids in a sense of testing their skills, passions, etc.. Something that should happen in school early on to support an individuals talents and such as soon as possible. So the individual will grow up with sophisticated knowledge of its very own 'thing' and may then allow for further diversification as the mind matures. So, this isn't really about 'testing for Trans-sexuality', but the same shouldn't really be excluded. We eventually shouldn't think in 'Sex' based terms either. I however ... am not entirely sure. Yet I'm speaking of my own experiences and in my own interest - and in that regard I think we have to look at something entirely different first.


Right on the point of "decided" vs "observed" - I may have to apologize but I won't. It just so happens that I count myself to those that are ... well ... somewhat offended by that notion. Its like I have some Bullshit Radar thats ringing alarm. And it turns people off and away. Like, what should we do? Roll a dice? And that "joke" - is actually a somehow fitting theme for what I actually have to share here. My experiences with my Trans-sexuality.

Here in this clinic it is difficult to maintain a female appearance. I try, but ... because there is no real privacy here (though I can be lucky that I have a single room) there is no clear line between getting styled up and being just 'at home' sotospeak. On top of that am I not yet officially 'labeled' a woman - so they address me as a Mr.. And that really sucks hard. It did so from the beginning, but in the beginning I still felt some closer to the Mrs.. I also wear my bra here most of the time with some socks in it, and every now and again that just looks silly and makes me feel silly. Because I am and give myself the way I am ... my male nature is just out there. Obvious. With a frog in my throat I can't talk clearly unless I really clear it and then I sound really male. So, my Sex is really "in my" ... and everyone else's ... 'face' most of the time.

I bear it - and am looking forward to see myself transform. Hormone therapy changes some things ... where I don't mean to pretend. I so just know that in due time less and less of the male appearances will remain. And thats my mindset at this. I wear my bra - but at times my fat-layer is really really thin.

And when it gets to gender neutral pronouns, ... I'm indifferent. But I'm not into playing ball with Archons either. That sotospeak is none of my concern. I'm interested in the Enlightened reality - and I'm sure that it will become the norm at some point. Anything outside of that, I don't really care about!

Looking at how I feel - there is this 'fat layer'. Well, no literal 'fat' layer. You get the idea. At times it is really thin and thats where I start to question myself about the way I'm going. And that is my 'head' doing so, practically. We could also say: The contemporary mind. "Opposed" to that there is the ... 'Truth of the Spirit' we might say. And it is that which really defines the being. Pretty much like so: That when asking our mind, a lot depends on our mood. We can be for things we might actually dislike and against things we actually do like. We can assume preferences and overdo them beyond whats good for ourselves or underdo them so respectively out of shame for instance.

In that sense this 'truth of the spirit' isn't sophisticated and has tolerances. We "construct" it as we go in a sense. This construction however is bound to an inner reality. If we so find something we like, we have an information that our mind can work with. We didn't know if it before, therefore we couldn't work with it; Except sometimes this inner reality just drives us into certain directions. 'Subconsciously'.

Once we so start guessing about our inner truth we're following this unpronounceable sense and shape it by chaining pronunciations together. (... English ...). And this isn't meant as a guideline. Its an example. As to fill our inner void with meaning. And thereby we already can experience our kinks for instance. We think and our mind reacts to the imaginations. But some things just happen to come differently. So my fixation onto older women and my Trans-sexuality.

My Trans-sexuality basically came as in a dream, while looking back my childhood is stained with symptoms thereof. Like late at night I would wake up, go to the bathroom, dig through our laundry box and try on my mums lingerie. Then I would take it further and look for it in my parents bedroom whence they weren't around. Its a mystery how these superficialities relate to Gender awareness, or how kinks could be so soon, and some might read this as a red flag as to what might have really been going on. Some form of Manipulation.

And this idea, or so the lack of a fundamentally solid counter-argument, at least contemporarily, really wears down my fat-layer.

But to me thats something I generally tend to ignore. It isn't fundamentally consolidated either. Even more so just conjecture. And one that doesn't truly check out with me. One similar to a lot of "things" I see as fundamentally pointless yet surprisingly effective in steering us ... apart. Its a thought injected into ones mind that the mind cannot really cope with and so that thought eventually gets nourished by our fears and grows stronger and stronger. Then eventually some sense of self-protection flags it as bad and so our "routines of normality" reject the things it grows up against.

I have spent my life basically being driven by it. Somehow. Well - I for once never really had any true occasion to 'come out' of myself. I enjoyed playing with "Toys for Boys" - but looking back I can't really say that I enjoyed being a boy! I always wanted to be female - although at some point the gender bias kicked in and made me forget it. Keeping it in the subconscious. Still being driven by it - sexually - although that usually just influenced my taste in porn.

But later then I chose to stick to my male self as for pragmatisms sake. Until I eventually had a really bad depression and I yet ignored it; Until I eventually came to express it and since that things have become better. Respectively am I not ashamed of myself now - although I at times just look like a guy with breasts.

Going through the transition so far took me past a few things that could have consolidated some expectations that would have been disappointed. I only mention this because I believe this is a very important bit.

The way I know I'm into mature is simply that I am. Thats how its different. I never had to ask myself 'what I'm into' - I only had to think of "love" or relationship, that direction, and I knew what I wanted. Respectively was there never a point that 'made' me Trans-sexual. There only was a moment where it manifested. As it manifested it corresponded to my "inner self" and that how it just was. Alongside with Bondage and Gangbang fantasies.

I know what I am. Thinking about it too much however ... well, makes it somehow weird. It takes these 'truths' into a space where they are more throughly questioned and that also takes the corresponding experiences to another place. Either way however I just enjoy what I so happen to enjoy. I know that I'm not dominant although I may enjoy playing the dominant part. But while playing that part can be fun it isn't really 'that true inner' fun. Well, I previously made that joke analogy of pissing against a tree. Alternatively I thought of diagrams - a circle and putting different things differently far away from its center. But I think thats not gonna really cut it either.

But for reals - I for instance know of myself that those times that I walked out of a brothel with a really big smile on my face weren't those times where I had been particularly male. I have male ambitions, ... and so my contemporary mind eventually puts these things so that these things don't make me female yet. Alright, but ... I'm not truly satisfied by my penis either. However - I think there are things, feelings and emotions, we can label to make things a bit more transparent.

Things like ... when I feel my male sex-drive, so - when 'my balls are twitchy' again, I usually so try to think of what they/it wants. I so think of going to a brothel and wonder of what taste I have. That because ... although I know what I'm into ... I've learned of certain benefits of diversity. And right away - thinking of going to a brothel - or just having Sex - fills me with a certain urge. One I found difficult to describe but since recently its a bit clearer. So for once is there a demand that basically accumulates in my belly and ended up taking the shape of a baby in my womb. Thats however what I previously would call my attraction towards blondes. And it stays there now. I can't ... let it out - so, its no longer a male urge. So I ended up with someone that vaguely resembled my ideal. There wasn't much choice. And as usual the sex itself wasn't all that amazing. Well, aside of some comforts that intimate closeness holds. And thats a gripe I had for some time - that it maybe couldn't take long enough, so due to the limitations of the sex-work context. Or it couldn't be intimate enough. These missing things would go to constitute desires that kept going back. Well, she wanted to finish me off with a dildo - and ... that works a lot better for me.

As things generally that allow me to express my femininity. In Real life. So in terms of Sex that would be the positioning where clearly that is more than just Sex/Gender. There's also Kink. As per my personality, I'm ... well, there isn't much. It is also why I never had a strong urge to change my sex. But the change itself is generally positive.

So, trying to tell me what I am or have to be - as maybe incited by the assumption of knowing how to determine these things judging from the outside - I must strongly object to! We can, I can ... say that Gender is fluid. If I were a guy, a normal guy, it would be alright if I had feminine sides. These could be introverted or extroverted as well. So, were I a woman, the same applied for masculine sides. Now for transitioning that should also be the case. I have a part where I relate to my sex - so, that 'feminine side' at "that place" that makes me Trans-sexual.

And what makes me skeptical about the myriad of gender definitions is the ... fact ... that which sides we have and how they are is entirely dependent on the individual. The way I rationalize it is that the spirit itself is by default asexual, perfectly neutral and empty. Anything that becomes does become of the spirit - obviously enough - and so there aren't really any rules outside of ... "anatomic Universals" ... . But respectively is there plenty of space for all sorts of crazy. Or 'yet so'?

Well, the way I relate to myself by terms of Unification - is ... kindof different but not so much. The story for my mind is that I am a male being locked into conditions that transform my male elements into femininity. I rationalize that as I understand that I'm into women and in that stance have a male attachment. But this doesn't 'suffice sexually' while I sexually end up preferring the femininity of myself. Some might think this psychotic because its a fabricated fantasy story - but it doesn't really change how I love or whom I love.

It only adds context and makes it easier for me to relate to it.

So, the way I like to be taken ... for instance. Without 'clarity' - its just that. Some kink. With clarity ... well there's more. There are reasons, conditions, etc. that all work in tandem with a much needed relationship. So, its a story that in a sense says nothing but whats evident anyhow. So ... whomever I might end up marrying - that person would have to deal with my sexual preferences in some way. Else that relationship would kindof suck in that regard. And so, the way I love sexually in a way mirrors how I love ... "sensually" or "intellectually"? Well - if I love to be loved as a passive "slut type" individual in bed - and I want a happy relationship with my partner - she should be into that as well. Wouldn't you say? There has to be synergy. And with that synergy there has to be intimacy. That intimacy is as much as saying "how we love each other" - and all that clarity adds right there is a context ... to the mind that allows it to act accordingly. SO, instead of it just being a kink, its more of a situation. The situation bears further kinks - and all of them do come together in that context; So we don't have to treat each kink as an individual special object.

I have a bad case of D...thing

Fundamental/EmpiricalPosted by Nicole Fri, June 08, 2018 16:57:06

[How the Unholy matters to me]

And days go by as almost ... just a dream. One like the other seemingly filled with plague, every day another struggle and I just can't make sense of it all in my head. But there's a Light. Lets say that in the past I did something wrong and things kept getting worse and yesterday then went to bed with like no way things could get any more worse and so tried to undo the wrong thing by supposedly doing the right thing - and things all of a sudden turned for the better.

Then bits of the wrong came back into my mind and things got worse again. Now things aren't entirely better but I realize that I still haven't really had the time to really internalize that right vs. wrong thing yet.

But what if I told you what this right vs. wrong thing was/is about? You'd probably tell me: "Still doing it?" ... something like that. Still being like I'm the one in the wrong ... and don't actually have a 'real' reason to say all those things. So, eventually I'll cave into those things again, doing "the right" thing, things get worse again and then I'm gonna tell you whats happening and still nobody wants to hear it.

Here's the thing: The absence of "you" in that sense adjusting to 'us' in any way is a good indicator of whats really going on!

I mean, thats the thing. 'We' types of people don't know normality like you do. We look at whats normal to you, assume thats how we got to be and 'we' adjust to it. While you stand there as being all so smart by being so normal - whatever - not bending one way or another in the slightest - but we're the one considered wrong here!

Can you gather from these things what this is about?

So, why is Satanism important? Or more so - within Unification. Its a double layered issue/problem. I don't know how else to put it. I don't even truly understand what this is all about, but, at the center of it all - its about Worship. Nothing else!

So, some time ago - I think around where I started those tweets - I, for the lack of knowing how to help myself any better "returned" to praying normally. And wow - now I'm feeling significantly better. Just on behalf of mentioning this. Normally means: The Lords prayer. That led things to spiraling out of control however. Getting back to how I got used to it - which isn't really sophisticated - confused me. Eventually I did both - and generally not really understanding what I'm supposed to do I got more and more back to "normal". So until yesterday where I, as I had 'learned' it (supposedly), ignored the "Light side". Which by the way was 6 a.m. today - and I didn't do any Matrix stuff so far because a) There was a black out, b) I felt bad and c) by the time I had eaten I wasn't really in the mood and d) right now I feel like its a good time to stop it altogether.

So once more do I here have a moment where I have to take the dark side more seriously; And what that pushes me to think or rationalize is that it is a significant part of our spiritual reality. How, what and why is at this point irrelevant. "What matters is that whatever happened, happened for a reason".

Here's something I've written previously on that matter: {
Worship and Satanism

In order to Understand the role of God within Satanism we have to understand Satanism as a way of life religiously separated by God. Satanists are thereby individuals that live in a way where praying to God as 'normal' seems inappropriate. This however more as a community since to the individual the reality is still one wherein God is just that.

From what I understand however - God, to me however, in first place takes on the form of Lust. By being omnipresent and invisible God simply interacts through this flow of energy and so a Satanist sees God within these emotions. Whenever I so experience that special kind of Lust I automatically relate it to God and see the corresponding items as 'God-sent' or given. However respectively authoritative in value.

The kinky situation of myself ... . The kink I experience emerges from the weirdness of these values I experience therein; While however experiencing them not only due to lust as joyful. There is also joy in the playfulness of them. The reality of being a pet for instance. While I can't really find a lot of comfort defending this outside of the immersion within this LUST, there certainly is a leash and collar attached to something like veins which feel like steel anchored in spacetime. Steel not in the material sense but as 'sturdy'. Something that seems to emerge from some reality 'beyond', an infinite space of sexual energy. Lust, maybe ... but more so an energy that ... like heated metal would glow and radiate heat it "oozes" into my 'cognitive body' and anchors me to itself. I so feel "molten" to a grid, something that 'grabs' me - and in its structure I find myself in a kneeling position, acting as a pet.

Within this situation I see myself as such - and devoid of any privileges which mostly 'make sense' in regards to my outfit. So the idea that my outfit weren't my choice, explicitly sexual and in this position humiliating.

My primary Goddess is "Isis". This is somehow tied to my situation as a pet, but less through the corresponding structures but more through the inescapability of being in that situation. As I so am, through the structure, "assimilated" into this reality of LUST, she would be the Goddess of the given reality and so it is simply by virtue of being a "Sex Slave" (of this kind) that she is whom I'm primarily supposed to worship. Or pray to.

How to pray however isn't really all that clear to me. Usually I find different words each time I do so - while generally there are some items that work better than others. Thankfulness for being her slave, joyful expectation of getting exploited - those usually weigh less than what comes of a craving for the most horrible things I could sexually imagine. Living in darkness, getting tortured and raped, ... simply praying for my personal 'demise' in this sense seems to be the best thing I can do.

With this in mind I also feel it impossible for myself to resist her will. Whether that is absolute or follows some rules is left to be seen.

This I've written after I started 'Building Paradise Part 3' - but that file was corrupted. So - its lost. Either way I'm not sure how to continue on either of the two right now - but I think this is an important part along the way. Just so we're on the same page - one way or another.
Maybe its worth mentioning that this has nothing to do with my gender transition. These things still work for me both ways - one way or the other - and thats that.

Building Paradise - Part 1

Fundamental/EmpiricalPosted by Nicole Mon, June 04, 2018 03:22:57
Something is wrong with me. I'm too upset at something and responding to it by writing about it just doesn't work. There's a thing. Its like I can say things that someone is then getting offended by and then I'm stuck in 'that' zone. Its like a crack in a container under pressure. So far I've 'dared' it. Hoping to somehow contain it otherwise. Or so moving it to your awareness - because after all that would be a thing 'you', my audience, would have to deal with; As I think of it.

I want to do things right - but if everyone is against me that won't work. Talking will be pointless, writing will be pointless - and I couldn't 'do' anything because what am I to accomplish?

My mind is bothered and the only thing I usually come down to are Sexual matters. Myself in some regard. Just a few hours ago I was really down. After I was done being pissed off about everything and had a somewhat clear mind I got back out of my bed and its just a matter of seconds before all the nonsense that I've "destroyed" came back wrapping up. I played some Street Fighter - now I'm watching 6.2 - and while I had a somewhat clear ambition going into this, my mind soon got wrapped up in this kind of rambling and ... what I wanted to write about ... became something I didn't really want to write about anymore. I then tried to mimic what I did earlier where I was pissed, looked into myself and all the "non sexual inhibitors" were gone and I had something of 'myself' back. Except that I would still question it.

Whatever I can do about it is one thing. Its something I can't really expect of you and so I believe that there are these issues that have to be resolved first. But then I think about it - and now I think I should be writing something totally different. Then I would get there and find nothing; Thinking I should come back here - and ... nothing makes any sense.

Anyway - I think 'a Plan' is what I need. Thats it either way. While as where this was 'supposed' to go was all about the Kinky business I yet inevitably get into doubts about myself I think the premise can't be an absence of those. So, lets think about that for a moment!

Why do I have doubts? I have them because I have no confirmation of them. Same with all the things - at times literally everything. There are just a few things that are 'beyond' doubt. The Testimony as it is burned into my heart - the experiences after baptism and the kawoosh of Unification. But everything else - all the 'light', all things I associate to the 'force' are in doubt. I'm uncertain as of how much of it is just me and how much is 'fake'. OK, now I "get it". The force establishes certain things to consciousness and those then drive the spirit as per its emotional constitution. There are things I like and they were 'made significant' to me by the force and so my mind more inherently resolves to them. But when I doubt things its like I wrap those things up with some 'anti idea' - negating their influence for the time being.

I can't ever get out of this trouble on my own. I'm not supposed to stubbornly believe in any of it either. Thats obvious because thats not what life is supposed to be like. While those things were 'new' to me, my mind was busy figuring itself out. As of that I came to internalize things that then defined my understanding of things. Then I would go and structure my life accordingly - and the thing with that is that as far as I as an independent person am concerned my thing is my hobby. Everything else is supposed to be socially driven; And while the situations I've been in couldn't comfort any of those needs things just didn't go that well for me.

And now - its obvious whats wrong! The lack of any of the 'necessary' connections diminishes my ability to believe in them. Its no longer just 'there' for me to discover and be excited or joyful or happy about. There is nothing new, its all 'old stuff' - and upholding any belief in them is connected to efforts. Efforts that I eventually can't accomplish anymore. Work I can't do - simply because my awareness is situated against an endorsement of those items.

When I then get to write things and my path takes me into that vicinity ... its also obvious what happens. The things I've internalized and are there - which are nonetheless rock-solid - come back into play. And the more I come to manifest of them, the more these things move to a higher "plane of logic" - so, the logic of the text that I've written. Then they begin to influence me stronger and thats how I then get into this "downward spiral". Although, there possibly is more to that. I guess there's a certain subconscious need I have for those internalized things to be strong on my mind. While I so didn't understand the herein established context I simply had a desire to get my mind into the right situation. And although I've solved that problem now; That doesn't mean that I can't forget about it and have the same problem again.

It would be 'nice' to have knowledges that just are 'unshakable' - but thats not how the mind works. Everything is fluid - more or less. I had to realize that in respect to playing competitively. Things I thought were fixed parts of my mind eventually vanished. And then there's a totally new situation related to doubts. While I earlier was getting better in Street Fighter although I didn't play it - now that 'thing' is gone and when I re-enter the game I have doubts in stead that suck me down.

"Fighting it back" seems to be hopeless endeavor. I guess my mistake was to mention it in the first place. That how they came to know of it; Target it and take it. Or box it out or whatever.

I guess I have to mention that I appreciate that some of you seem to be willing to help me; But you are mistaken! That whole Astair game is hopelessly lost. And to some extent I'm allergic to it. If you are willing to "give me your energy" you're possibly there too. It doesn't work just by the mind alone either. If you stay passive and don't actually do anything - 'we are fucked'!!!

And what should I do? "I don't know!". I do something so you can do something. What else? So, I do something that 'convinces' you to do something - like writing things - or what? I've tried the 'going somewhere' already. And I just don't have the opportunities anymore either! No money, no freedom!

There's only one constant: Any 'but' to the 'you move to do the thing' is wrong! My e-mail. Why not try it that way?

I'd say because you are afraid. Too much filled with doubts yourself, but me too I can only do 'so much' to help you out. And if you don't even check those things that'd help you - thats too bad! But I think thats beside the point here, except that it isn't entirely.

So, 'it' all begins once the kawoosh connects us. And from there on out ... . Well, up unto then: Ask Christ to be your teacher. If Christ wouldn't want that, He'd tell you so. And then you 'know'. How bad could it be?

Its about allowing God to steer your boat. Else, why would He? I mean, you have to wrap your head around it yourself. Either you think that He should and then you might as well ask Him just to be sure; Or you think that He shouldn't and you could ask Him not to; Just to be sure.

At some point we can't go on without it though. If we're in this Sexuality topic for instance. My assumption is that we'd go as we felt it to be right; And while connected we'd at least have that certainty of being all 'cool' with God. Unless you'd be cool with it otherwise. I mean, I feel like some have an issue with that, but why? I don't 'really' understand it! You could call it racism or something like that - but at least for me, in my situation, you should understand why I wouldn't want to waste my time with "those" people that would waste my time!

Or what would your counter argument to that be? That I should 'trust' "you"? Why? For what? How? In what way? To what end? For what reason? What makes you trustworthy? That you're a good person that wants the right thing? 'Prove it!'.

Then I get that people have issues about the 'trustworthiness' of our feelings at all once we're 'in'. Like, if we fall in Love with each other; How is it the right thing? And thats a contradiction to the other point; That of "trusting you although you won't make it in". There "you"'d say its OK, but once 'connected' all of a sudden it should be different?

And with all the knowledge of the things I've written - at least roughly so - things would happen one way or another dynamically, organically, naturally. And thats the plan. It ever was and ever will be. And if that doesn't work for you and you call me unreasonably paranoid - whats the point of that? Maybe you underestimate the enemy - and you think there's nothing to worry about; But yet I can't do the things I want to, which so tells me otherwise. And as you make no beeps on moving - I pretty much don't stand corrected on that one! - The End!

An essay of naivety and deprived objectivity

Fundamental/EmpiricalPosted by Nicole Sun, May 20, 2018 22:04:19
I do have secret desires, by which I mean that as my thoughts travel I do stumble upon those that let me 'pray' for them 'please to be real'. And by 'prey' I mean it that way. Well, maybe not in the classic sense, but in the way that the mind invokes God to direct it at Him and the thoughts feel as though they get embraced. First I would hide those desires deep within me - fighting against them, but later after easing up about them - in response to God - they eventually turned into prayer.

But what? There's a lot of "dark" stuff on the Internet - and at times it would seem that, well, in general I would tend to seek to get rid of Taboos. While that may after all be the case, objectively defended by the compromise of looking for what works instead, its not all ... well.


There's a clear image in my head that drove my exploration for quite a bit and it also shaped my understanding to no minor extent. I was watching a porn video wherein a pregnant woman was fucked by multiple guys. And they hit her hard. But while that was going on - well - what I understood as Gods actions at the time synced into my mind and there was a clear message. It was as though God took the position of the guy to show me what went on 'within'. And what I saw, or rather felt, was hate. Well, hate is too broad of a term I guess. Hate not directed at anyone - even more so would some kind of Love bind those individuals together, but hate simply put as a means to perform the act. To thrust in, doing it without any consideration for what might become of the child - or even so with the full intent to fuck it up before it even gets born.

Can I take that seriously? I wondered - but more and more I fell in Love with it. Not only lusting for being in the position of the pregnant woman, but also for being the child in her belly.

In my fantasy however - it doesn't really get that far. Once I fantasize of being pregnant - the guy is either somewhat careful or once I crave for more - my imagined inflated belly all of a sudden disappears.

Two conflicting pieces of information it seems. Yet so they don't stand without one of them getting "flagged" with a but. Incomplete information however, as always the case, ... how to deal with it?

One thing though got clear to me: As God is a part of us, our actions may as well be His. Being careful here - it might depend. It would seem like one thing that matters is whether the mother is to be "preserved" or not. Whatever the case, I started to desire being as lewd as my mind could possibly imagine - and with great joy did I behold how my mind appeared to be perfectly in tune with that. There is nothing I hold up there that I would regret loosing in whatever insanity were to unfold - except things that I might loose for the purpose of loosing something I cherish. It would be difficult to convince me of letting these things go, ... except ... when captivated in the proper circumstances.

As of these things I took it upon myself to write about these things in a purposefully aggressive manner. And while some sense of sanity would scare me off of those things a certain fascination and lust for "the horrors" of what might be legal on behalf of the divine emerged.

Although I didn't think it for possible I started to love the idea of getting beaten up - beatings of love that would allow me to internalize the determination of these respective partners and allow me to fall into the comfort my conceived misery in this way of living.

"Grand Success" in shape of being finally lost forever. Forever ... what a dull word ... - forever seems far too long, but yet I wish it to be so. I don't find it as unreasonable. I find that my mind is already so close, it would seem that all thats missing is a little push. A little push, shoving me down a line of misery, agony, ... punishingly rough at the beginning but yielding me in the way I want to be. Respectively did I embrace every moment where I thought I could take no more, speaking of fantasies - masturbating, but yet experienced pleasure that came upon me as inevitable as the effect of a drug to the sober mind.

In the silence of my fantasies and the niches of my writings I'd pray for being a victim, to glorify the sins of sexuality as such - craving for a rule of Lust by which these pleasures could exist as a definitive branch of the eternal paradise.

Respectively did I embrace the sensations of craving my one true Love to be dominant and sadistic towards me - craving for being her victim rather than her lover. Over time I retreated from that more and more though, just to find that still ... those feelings are mine truly. Far enough for me to eventually worry that my reluctance to embrace these things might win.

I task myself to be objective, but deep within I want that objectivity to be a lie - at least once it strives against these things. A lie since in truth I'm already determined about it. Yet - as these "suggestions" stand consolidated to me they trouble me once I get back to my senses and realize how wildly unfathomable they are.

Comfort comes in shape of rationality. It would only have to start - taking me in - and take me over the hill by simply continuing. Soon enough my reservations would be gone and I myself locked into a downward spiral of hopelessness regarding my future that would from there on be the norm.

From there on out fantasies of death and mutilation are just a small step away, ... a small step into a whole new world of pleasures I crave to explore. All in due time. And in turn of that I find my masculinity shaping itself to be female, submissive, aspiring to be the framework of a slut thats bent to expose herself to that life. And all that I once was would grow more and more distant - excluding my shock about it which would draw the outer hull of the expanding vacuum of lust within me.

Then a few clicks, key-strokes and up it is. What next? Nothing but to stare at the emptiness of my life. Maybe finding something to enjoy. Something other than porn - as I find my desire for such saturated. So again I grow away from those things and eventually start another writing wherein I write about it. Again a few clicks, key-strokes and up it is. And next? Sometimes its shame, other times ... a nagging need to correct myself. But what to? It couldn't be ... what I just denied? Could it?

I hold to myself that I have no way of really knowing, something that comes easy whence I'm confused. So I write and I find opportunities to sophisticate thoughts that rise up against my cravings. Yet - I always think, ... that I might be wrong about it. Think? Might? ... Forebode ... maybe. And then it clicks. Thinking of the sense as foreboding, it clicks. I want it. I wish it. But how? How could I ... explain that now? After all the 'sane reason' I've put into it? "Well", I think, "once I get born in such a way that ..." - it could be necessary. It should be! It would be! It feels ... complete! In a sense - this unlocks the most depressing opportunities I crave to enjoy.

I then remember things. Like the old Narnia movie where Aslan sacrifices himself. Back then it evoked a strange pleasure within me. One that gradually faded away quickly enough to be as though it never happened - and as faint as my desire to explain that any further. Then I feel cuts - and suddenly I know that I really don't want any of that. Or needles. Except the latter ... doesn't fade away without leaving an intoxicating sense of pleasure I might get out of them ... scaring me ... until one day it made sense to me. I still don't like it. I wouldn't ever do that to myself. Drugs can do horrible things, ... but not all poison is always bad!

Eventually things come to an end. The package is wrapped up. Its full, its smooth, ... nothing missing, ... yet it feels like it is too much; But were I to take anything away from it - I start to realize that I don't want that.

Next »