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A balance issue

Fundamental/EmpiricalPosted by Nicole Wed, November 21, 2018 19:39:20

Just something to Write about ...

Well. The way I'm feeling ... uh. The 'wayS' - because this is about ~issues~ ... like straight: The one moment everything seems cool, in an upswing ... and it seems like there's nothing left to be bothered about. Then something happens. Like in this example: I do something - and then what I do comes loaded with issues that tell me what the thing I just did may have resolved, ... ~terrible stuff~ ..., where it wouldn't have helped had I known about it. So, this creates this weird situation where I simple put ... happen to be blind. Its a riddle in and of itself, what this means or could mean. To me it seems like I "see everything" - and when what I do seems to sit right, that idea is reinforced. I know that I there don't 'see everything' per se - but I know why I did it and how I have set my mind up; Where in most of all cases - if not all (I suppose its all) - God has a significant hand to it. But so the question: How am I blind? And well - for once its stuck in there, that I don't really do stuff 'knowing' what it solves but just ... that it has to be or does something as it adds up in the bigger picture.

And then this stuff comes rather randomly. I so was thinking about stuff and suddenly I thought of the thing between me and Marie as a ... well. As flawed by misconception. The idea is that on some plane she's moving into a direction, where I found myself coming from the opposite direction while the image framed it so that she would expect me to be by her side moving into the same direction. So, her movement was towards my side and mine towards her. In simplest terms, I guess, the thing is that all of us have our individual 'normality' and a given imbalance therein that lets us 'desire' something that isn't a part of it. I think: The more sexual beings of us - and I don't mean by 'physics' but certainly 'of/in the mind' have a more sexual 'normality' and mostly because their mind "breeds it like that". To us the "world of norms" is prioritizing sexual ideas - which we (learn that we) have to be ashamed about and so we hide it. Its our "dirty little secret", basically.
And so - that is the idea - we 'desire' some bit of normality - some drift away from this sexual"ism". Likewisely that don't happen to be as sexual, or passionate or such, would happen to desire some of that. In a different way than they desire those things thats of their mindedness.
How this translates into the thing between Marie and me is I think a matter of how our emotions align. So, what has above been declared a 'direction', would in the ~taken sense~ also translate into 'intimacy wishes'. So, when two of a kind come together, mingle and merge, moving on as they discover one another - they're on "the same wavelength". Hmmm ...
And this helps them grow 'deeper' towards each other - though or as it also is a 'moving along' with each other. But would our 'targets' really be the opposite end? Well - thats a new question that maybe has to grow a little.

For what this issue has been so far - the thing is that while I looked at it I noticed a distortion. So, there is that issue that "by common tongue" 'all desire Sex' and so the idea that what my kind would have were like paradise. And so I insert the term 'Work-Splice' to name something I get to write about later. But in essence its - in here - synonymous for the philosophy of work whereby what we earn is what we deserve by physical measures. So, the idea that the rich are rich because they deserved it, and everyone who isn't just hasn't earned it.

This now 'interferes' with this "directional splice" in form of a Pyramid. While there is a gradient, which: To reemphasize it: Is of our conscious normality (our "spiritual places" where at some point also clarity comes to factor in), this Pyramid has it that a point that accumulates closer to my "zero point" (of the normality) than the center - however carrying that as its top. So, the more we earned, the better the places we can "habitate" within - and when so rich that you don't have to work anymore ... well ... habitation is either just "nothing" or ... "Orgy" stuff. Right? We can all relate to that ... . Without any means to it - there is no way such a thing could even be organized. Means are not only money - but its the foundation on which it all rolls. I can know how all the way I want - and want all the way I ~would~, no money no ... something.

So, here we can already see an issue with the work-splice. You can assume that people that don't have also ~wouldn't~ - and so the question turns into a "what 'should' we, then?".

Anyhow, I then tried to "move the goalpost". What I conceived as a dislocated center (the pyramids top, a point on the line) - I simply moved to the center - on the line; And stuff happened. Like, people would start to realize that "always Sex" isn't really as happy as they might think. On that line we all feel our place somewhere - which is our place because we're fine with it. But this pyramid ... makes our perception of it all problematic. Because, if you're fine with being just a worker ... "a Drone" ... what is it that you 'deserve'?
Further, while we all so "main" our place - there's more to us than just one thing. Like so - some would expand more into sexuality than others. And things. Things we usually can't do because our social economy is shit! So we have to be alright with what is offered. And that generally narrows down in "what "they" say a drone has to be sufficient with" - which happens to be that narrow margin they can control, wherein we better stay so they can count those out that "don't behave properly (a.k.a. Risk Factors)".

Dun-dun-duuuuuuuuuunnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn ...

Aaaaaaaaaaaaand .... Knock Out!

Fundamental/EmpiricalPosted by Nicole Thu, October 25, 2018 21:48:18
"Broken Paradise"

Well, ... next in the List of ongoing assumptions of what went wrong - I've come across an interesting bit of thought. So, there is this 'thing' that ... is like a Dead End sign at the end of any hopes of Love. "I can't reciprocate your feelings/emotions". Yea, the right word this time ;).

Yet the thing was or is that I can relate to that position. But I couldn't ... 'really' do it. I could feel 'how' it feels - but not really dig into it. But now I have a theory about it. Short: Its about positions and sides ... and/or such. And I guess thats why one of the first of my responses to her disappointing me was one of betrayal. Well, feeling betrayed by her - as she's so taken a side against mine. But its not that simple. She could even do so without knowing it. I was assuming that someone's gotten her tripping against me - like "He/She is a bad person" etc.. But well.

Long Version: So, there first were feelings that made me confident - they seemed to be mutual and so everything has basically been going rather well. And then something happened. I was probably too slow and so this mutual thing wasn't solid enough just yet so that someone who had a heavier stone in her board could slowly overwhelm her; So giving her something true and furthermore ... bonding. We could say that it probably just happened - and 'it' even might not - but so whatever had bonded her to me lost significance; And or relevance.

So then the situation was that she had to somehow get rid of me - and that is where this 'weird' time happened. I was already in a bad mood, pissed, ... and ... confused. I was looking at it the wrong way. Whatever happened would to me look like a glowing hand on a vastly black canvas. It holds her - while on the other end my hopes were that she'd realize the bond between us; And so here and there she looked at me - or well, simply reacted to me in general - seemed to support that. I gave her a letter then - and already she didn't care enough. She couldn't. I guess we could compare the situation to the 'lack of concentration' symptom of a depression. There was what she had - then there was something else she could have - and a lack of the tools to solve her conflict she couldn't really enjoy it. This is now suggestion. Else she could have simply been like "... whatever ...". So - speaking of tools. She most likely had all the tools to get rid of me - and ultimately the result was that she did. But in the situation, this isn't the only way to that outcome. Assuming there was a conflict means that while she had the tools to solve it one way; That solution wouldn't work for her - but in the meantime there was very little to take it the other way.
So she gave it back to me - and then thought that it was over. That she's got rid of me. I would think that this 'getting rid of me' thing was practically supported. Its a thought 'they' like and so due to their blowing it became bigger. And while it might not be lot at large - I think its still there somewhere at the bottom of it all.

So we get to the next situation, where I asked her to talk with me and she was like "No, you certainly don't have to talk to me". There's a lot going on at that point however. Because - in some way this response would be ... most and utterly inconceivable. Well. After she told me to fuck off - (via the letter that is) - she simply did what she had to to protect what she has and is real to her. And probably helped her counter her Schizophrenia. While she couldn't solve the conflict there so were lots of reasons to do something - and that 'act' I'd say can be compared to any "sortof stupid" thing we do and aren't sure about. Like me giving her the letter. She so sought to end it - not realizing the scope of what she has in me (and I don't mean the persona. I mean 'the Love'. The kind of Love it is. Thats where I simply "win" due to Experience) - and from there on all that it did was to act against her decision. It was a conscious decision - its ... like when cloth flips over, or folding a sheet of paper. When you then bend it perpendicular to the fold, you can't easily unfold it. The Love is like a wind, or the shore, trying to unfold the paper - but her decision is the bending; And so she then would be more fiercely counter-react. So a lot of things that I had hoped in did probably become meaningless. That so because in process of living her decision, certain things simply could not exist because they would work against it. Like so the idea that it could be 'that' true Love. It would tell her that she did something wrong - and I believe it wakes up in her every now and then - and well, "Denial is the most predictable of all human responses".

So in essence we can compare this then to a cable salad. "If this then that" while the 'plane of equilibrium' on which everything is settled isn't right. So things that can be straight are twisted through one another; And yea - all for the sake of ... not believing that the current state is a farce.

To solve this - well. There are ways - most likely. Uh, err ... . Oh yea. I almost forgot. At first she was happy to see me and then all of a sudden its been the opposite. Maybe. Maybe she hoped that we at least wouldn't grow mad at each other. And I'm upset that she just ... threw me out like that. Could it be ... ? One of the Doctors was ill that day our date was supposed to happen and the substitute Doctor had a different schedule so that came in-between; And the next Monday: -Access Denied-. Fate?
However - its a thing that she in my mind 'owes' me. But in her life it can't have any relevance.

But be it as it may. The point with 'sides' is this, that ... . Well, I firstly rationalized that 'there is no reciprocation'. Not of feelings anyhow. At all! Its not ever about that. If it is about that - something is wrong. And in deed this formulation is a symptom of the underlying problem already. We don't Love by feelings. I didn't want her to reciprocate - most obviously because to me the whole thing has already been mutual - I wanted her to spend time with me. There was nothing to reciprocate we could say; But well ... the Love. The interest. And that she 'couldn't' reciprocate because ... that was explained above. In her heart she so is invested in a condition that takes her away from me. And the thing with sides and positions comes in and reveals that there 'is' a right and a wrong. In the 'right' Sphere things shouldn't come to conflicts like that. Maybe we could think of a all white sphere/room wherein all our issues are discussed in timelessness from where we then take a balanced rational stance. A thing we don't have as all the previous items show. Or otherwise she would certainly have difficulties entering a sphere where my view of things rules. And in that state it'd be true for her to say that she doesn't Love me - but in that state this is a regard to express an absence of expected emotions. On the other hand she should find that she doesn't 'not' want to spend time with me.

But well. The thing mainly is this: If she would let go of everything and look for the center of her peace - the conflict thickens as there were two possible outcomes at least and thus her biases matter. Since she can basically tell that she's attracted to me, she can foresee that consequence at a given point and then is confronted with her biases that would suggest that the other path is right/true. But so what I mean is to ignore relationships and focus on the 'right' side/thing. And in disregard of ideologies, ... its ... hmm - I've lost the focus but I'd say its down to a more vague "where I want to be" type of thing. If she so argues that fate would have to fiddle us together again - "fate" could in the same argue that she should be pulled back to where she was/is if 'that' is the true/right way. And its not even much. Just a short moment.

And what do we learn?

That sometimes we have to 'do' the right thing. Because otherwise - we won't. By that I mean to point out, that eventually we're asked to assume certain things and the more we are dragged into a reality where this assumption is considered as a fact we forget that there wasn't anything to confirm that assumption. For instance. Thats similar to what happened after I chose to go out as a Woman. All doubts I've had - no matter how strongly they held me or how severely they scared me - were wiped away and so I started to feel a lot better.
Its like a seesaw; And what concerns us are like marbles.

Outside of this - I'm even more confused since more and more ... all the signs that used to tell me that nothing good is ever going to happen to me have changed. "All signs/lights are on Green". And here a picture of this ... "underwear" (broken glass lingerie) - although what you're looking for are the cyan "tattoos". Its different - but takes more to the eye than just a bunch of lines.

And here, the Definition of 'demon':
A concept of thought and wanting that requires an individuals Life to be considered an Entity. An individual “possessed” by a Demon is in itself considered a Demon (/Demon Entity) as it (the Demon) completely overrides the Individuals thought and wanting as by Design.

Happy, so Happy!!!

Fundamental/EmpiricalPosted by Nicole Tue, October 23, 2018 16:58:05
Well. I'm in a relatively good mood concerning my all-over average the recent time. And that so concerning the times since I started to feel better. In a weird way I'd call it the climax so far - although it isn't necessarily 'that' Highest peak. Well, in a lot of ways this is basically of delusions or illusions. And I think that from the perspective of Unification in regards to non-Unified comprehension. It is true ... err ... right ... to compose the idea from it that the states of Unification, concerning the Force, are comparable to delusions, or illusions. Self created ones. Well, the thing is that God sits deeep in our minds. To draw a comparison: If we compared ourselves to Planets, the crust being our physical appearance maybe, probably, the mantle would be this place between mind and body - well. We need to be flexible and mind the real spectrum as opposed to getting stuck on which Layers our Planet truly has; But at some point there is the 'core' - to say: What everything else "sits"(/rests) upon. So rather as the rock upon which there's soil upon which there grows grass. Its not to be understood as a Force that acts 'through' us - as though hands reached into our minds. Its more so at the bottom ... "of the essence" ... of each and every thought that we produce as much as at the bottom of ourselves.

So, the point is that whatever happens in our psyche is just in part a matter of our surroundings. Simple story: We have a new fellow patient and he's got some Tourette-esque condition where he says 'shit' all the time. So in Relaxiation today everything was silent and at some point a silent "shit" came from somewhere in the room - and I had to laugh really hard. But I was the only one I heard that payed any attention to it. But as I couldn't stop myself from laughing and so silently laughing while trying to suppress it - others started laughing a little as well. So - the point is that we didn't react all the same. It now would seem that others had the same tendency to laugh about it inside - but my mind was in a state where it found that ludicrously funny.

And strong emotions so are things that eventually break through. That so in comparison to others that didn't have the same urge - or not to that extent - had something else going on in their minds that simply flowed into a "vaguely" different direction at that point.

So I get to say what I wanted to say, that certain Highs that I've had were probably just ... "empty Daydreams". Hope that eventually got crushed. And it reminds me of my first "Psychotic Love Interest" - though the strong emotions rather made me cry. It is as that the realization that my mind tried to Ignore inevitably confirmed a different reality. But at that point my mind was bent against that, by being interested in "elsewhat", from which perspective the 'true fire' (???) appeared as saddening. And since I've had some ... and the emphasis is on the plural ... experiences where it made me cry from joy. But the other time I don't know anymore whom I was thinking about, but I remember writing of it. There's a feeling of relief - a point sitting deep inside me that craves for compassion; And so the 'dream' that she'd say she Loves me - in a way that suggested to me that it was real - basically vented my hopes into joy. But ... this is not ... "pure Relief". This is a term to keep in mind now, as it is what this is mostly going to be about. As anchor point - something that we can commonly relate to. I would say that I have 'heard' it from others also. This 'sigh'. It comes out often during Depression Group, relatively, where I think that these are moments where our minds overcome a certain problem of ours. Sitting in Depression Group, well, ... it first of all is labeled 'Psycho-Education'. So, "PE Depression". There we learn of the causes and symptoms and ... from it I understood that these conditions are in deed taken seriously. And I have the impression that many people that end up there are at first unaware - not knowing that there are others that feel the same or even worse. And as a little insight, there's the 'Stress-Vulnerability-Resource' Model. Leaving Resources aside, the thing is that when Stress and Vulnerability reach a certain tipping point, things start to go downward. Thats accounted for in a spiral of doom. Negative thoughts feed negative emotions feed negative actions. Like withdrawal. And Vulnerabilities are part of our individuality. Thats my add. And eventually stress bypasses our vulnerability thresh-holds - and then we still have resources to handle it. Basically the problems so are there but our minds can still counter-react those things eventually. But when these then break away, we 'do not' have any resources to then 'fight' what is already 'actively draining' - and so Therapy is also a lot about providing the necessary resources to get back up.

And so there are these moments - and they don't even need to contain a strong conscious element. I usually felt somewhat void - but in that void also relatively ... good. Or not negative. The ... 'peace of the living' maybe. And that in itself came as a condition that just made me deeply sigh and it feels just ... good. Cleansing. It doesn't mean that everything is good again, but its a "bed" - basically - to fall into for the moment and take a deep breath as to see the way ahead ... not directly and more just like ... not filled with anything 'depressing'. Nothing that 'burdens' the heart. Whatever. Anyhow.

But that now didn't suffice to make me happy. Not at all. But so - there was the ... 'liberation' that I've written of previously; And so just yesterday I've somehow come back to it - but the experience was entirely different. As I've wondered about the "proposed knot" between Light and Dark people I also have at some point come across a Diagram. But it didn't fully make sense to me yet. I reflected a Lot, but missed to grow the path towards the way God now supported it. Or 'would' support it.

So I've come to lay down in my bed and ... somehow I found myself able to fully ... lean back ... into my clarity - effectively. And none of the concerns that I've previously had bothered me anymore. And I think I even can point a finger on the pivotal moment from which on this became possible. As outlined in one of my previous pictures, is there the issue of 'normality' in terms of an emotional state as opposed to an ideological one. This transition from a non-sexual vision into a kinky one that was part of the same emotion it became clearer to me that a lot of my "stuckings" are simply ... well, we could say "cramped" parts of my mind.

In regards to Marie I gathered one pivotal truth. And maybe whom I love there is just a placeholder - and if its not but she still doesn't Love me - its probably because she hasn't uncovered that part of her mind yet that would. In those moments images of individuals that I had on my list appeared to me and showed them in a way that related to me the way I understood it from Clarity, with the emotion that I associate to "their essence" "in tact" ... err ... so, confirming itself, just so in a way that showed them as different from 'their Norm'. So, "Lady Samantha" to me appeared one way, emotionally I recognized her another - but the two became one nonetheless. Now is there again a different appearance of her that then would be that which corresponded best to me. In similar ways would I be different in private relationships - and different from within one to the other - so, being there in ways that others wouldn't normally see.

Now, that part of me that 'clicks' into position as 'my Light self' - is part of the reason why this 'liberation' now comes with a peace greater than before. Earlier I would write of peace eventually, but in a somehow oppressed manner. So also the feeling. A coarse roughness which to my mind back then was like 'spice'. And so the difference is yet as from salt to sweet water. Well, "sweet" ... who said that? Well, there was a joke. Why does the "Schwob {['shwOb' - long 'o' as in 'aaaaaaaaawesome']}" [local natives here] say 'sweet' water? Because it isn't sour! Clear water. Spring water.

And that would probably also tell you more of who I am. Well, that self is the part in me that wants to be a whore for everyone. And that is apparent to me as something akin to wishful thinking. It is simply that bit in me that so has these wishes - but wouldn't normally come out 'due' to social normities. And by social normities I am twisted - a twisting that lets me 'relatively' speaking crave for ""!!Rape!!"". Enjoying the feelings of captivity. Though in relativity to this new-found peace the sensations of captivity shine slightly different now. And something like a deeply depressed condition within me slowly starts to change it seems. But that then more in relativity to this new-found peace. Its a wishful thought that so even renders my 'Light Side' - we might say: "The purest wish there is" - and that one I so would generally experience in Darkness as per the social norms. To take it into the Light side ... might now be a thing of finding a Light spirit within which this wish now could flourish. So, overriding the pressure of social normities through the 'dome' of our relationship.

Within this state then a clarity emerged that I already new of - but I had not felt it as clearly before. A webbing of sort - like a catsuit basically - or a set of lingerie - ... so with stockings, belt, top, collar and gloves - that mostly consisted of strings arbitrarily woven together in the shape of spiderwebs or more accurately: shards of glass. And the "Aura of Roses" glooming within. It is basically this Garment - or what I tried to capture within the 12 Insignia. Well, something I feel 'is' there - like bonds - that have been created of my divine ... Bridal Dress. And it therein echoes the sensation that I'm entirely captivated. And that so it is taken into the Light Side. Something that I had sensed or assumed or "concluded" for some time now - but without this bridge the answer eluded me.

And this doesn't say that there is 'no' alternative. It has also been implied that there effectively is - although its ends close that bubble and feed me back into my 'real' paradise. And so it stands to me that my male self is a fragment of my mind from adapting to normities. So, wanting to be a Sex-Slave would eventually be an issue when the norm got to a point of thinking of it and its social implications. Parts of my mind that then - in the realization of 'my Paradise' - would be useless. So to think that my 'undefined body' takes shape through myself as I react to my surrounding. So, taking a "how much do you like [...]" list - with a scale from 0 to 10 lets say - would vaguely represent how much of a thing is 'within' us. And abstracted into a virtual plane would each 10 for instance reveal a position where the individual stands. If we so spread the points throughout a plane. Each point would be differently 'loaded' - and around which points we stand, our fragments are a part of what shapes who we are.

Well, anyway. Considering the Knot between Light and Dark - I suppose the same things as for other relationships apply. There's the core of it - and things can effectively go either way. We can go darker and we can go brighter. There's the side of me in my light self that tends to the one; And another part that tends to the other side. And I feel like so, that trying to block this motion is causing stress - and ultimately some form of mattering negativity.

Oh, by the way, I almost forgot: It seems to me that Weed related psychotic effects can emerge from a negative attitude towards it. Maybe paranoia sets in and someone smokes with a mindset of "Oh no, this is bad for me" - then this thought evolves in the high state - so that it should not be a surprise that it causes problems. Opposed to that I had to yesterday try and 'embrace' it - to so avoid negative thoughts and it actually worked!

Witch Tarot: Carnality, the Thief and Tentacles

Fundamental/EmpiricalPosted by Nicole Sun, September 23, 2018 13:21:30

[Witch Tarot Philosophy (Philosophic Insights | Meta)]

Well, this isn't per se about the Witch Tarot, but so about insights that have occurred to me while working on it. Well, the main title should be 'the Thief'. Or 'the Rogue'. Its a Card in the deck - and there is another Card which sortof fulfills the same ... criteria. I mean, I could also call this other card 'the Thief' - more so as of the "traits" that make up the text for it. The actual thief card thereby has a different meaning. Of course.

The thief by principle is a Dark Elemental Card of the Griffin Symbol. The other "Thief" card is also a Dark Elemental, however of the Elephant Symbol. The Elephant symbol however focuses more on the theme of Endurance while the Griffin symbol focuses on ... tailwind. And it has occurred that I've found images that work perfectly with the idea without really looking for them. Hence the image for 'Thief' is going to be a raven with a key in its beak. Except whence the Text works better with another one.

Now, why am I telling you this?

I've come to wonder about how the Witch Tarot "pictures" compare to the Waite Tarot. Certain images would not be found or the nearest would be profoundly more ambiguous - regarding the specific meaning of the card in concern.

Well, there is a blind-spot I have because the Design process is dependent on the Oracle. So the 'Carnality' card. Wondering how to translate the German word into English I had to wonder. Respectively has the term been changed into Lewdness. And that more likely because there isn't a real word for lewdness in German. Lewdness however does make a lot more sense in the Elephant Line than Carnality. And on further consideration, Carnality doesn't make a lot of sense for a Card at all. Which, is a Witch Logic thing I guess? This Witch Logic is well filtered through the Force. The look upon the world isn't as that of a Mortal. While issues like Temptation and Carnality might present themselves as large troubles, in my regards they are far lesser than one might think. So can Carnality in and of itself be regarded as a matter of various things - mostly under the banner of "Misguidance". The closest thus far could be the "Fake Love" or ("a.k.a.") ""Mind Flayer"" card. Which in and of itself is less about 'fake Love' but more of the conditions of being misguided; Maybe due to some parasitic entity, a deceiver or whatever. "The Mind Flayer". But it could also be the own lies one could tell itself. Its at all a reasonably complex topic that can yet easily be regarded within this "Symbol".

Further does it happen to conclude that Carnality isn't at all an emotion I have a proper connection to. Although ... well. It depends. Words are the real problem here. As this card accidentally happens to reveal. Starting off simply, there is the "Over-term" of Lust. There first is Lust as the "Biblically Negative/Bad" thing, and then 'LUST' as a Form of the Force through which God interacts with us. Thats my bottom Line for that.
Now I've learned that the biblical term is rather that of 'Carnality'. And when I now move on and am ... "Lustful" about certain things - so, desiring certain sexual expressions - it could be considered Carnality, or for instance Lewdness. Whence the words mix into the same - as Lust - a differentiation is problematic. So to be specific, I understand the feeling of Lewdness as one of enduring ones own Shame within a state of pleasure. Carnality on the other hand side is more a thing of Sex for the purpose of Sex - whereby that in and of itself is a somewhat perversion of Sex as a thing whereby the ... . Sex for the purpose of Sex will eventually breed some sort of "Artistic Desire", purifying the purpose and thus growing into excess (debauchery) and such. This stands opposed to the Lust within Enlightenment which isn't that purpose driven since the actual drive is emerging from passions "locked" within the individual. In that regards there are those passions and in attachment to that there's even Love. So because the Force also ties its "logic" to other people.

So there is the Tentacle Card. One similar to the "Sex Monster" - in the way the image so happened to be ideal. Both, from a certain perspective, ... roll with the Fantasy of it ..., are "traps". So, like the Sand-Pit-Monster from Star Wars. Its a Tentacle ... mass ... that eventually digests whatever it could grab. The "Tentacle Pit" is best suited for the Sex Monster because its trait is that it is existent for a very specific purpose. Therefore, in the idea, useless for most other things - and any Sex Monster but a Tentacle Pit can somehow defy this.
So, the Witch Tarot is ultimately dependent on the definitions/descriptions - which makes sense because a few words ... or well. A picture says more than a thousand words - some people say. And that of course is the problem here.
The Tentacle card is similarly a pit or a trap while here the focus is more on its ... thing ... as a ... "morally ambiguous divine power". Which I here meant to bring up in regards to this 'divine Lust' - or so: Clarity. One might surmise that the snake could be used here, but, the Snake already happens to be the Water Animal.

So is this at all just a short piece of the ambiguity of Terms, Images and Logic that is being attached to it.

Tarot of Love

Fundamental/EmpiricalPosted by Nicole Fri, September 07, 2018 19:11:52
Short Summary:

Hope is Love. That is true. More so than Love being Hope. "Hope is the quintessential Human delusion" - sais the Architect. "simultaneously the source of [our] greatest strength and [our] greatest weakness". I have discovered truth in this. Hope in a relationship builds Love. It is basically the prime aspect of 'growing Love'. While I look for an understanding concerning Love, I do look at its substance. How it came, how it affects me, how it interacts with my beliefs - finding the lines that distinguish between different kinds of Love and trying to give good advise as best as I can. This is primarily founded on negative experiences with it. Beyond those however, there is always "that Love" which is "not" the one I'd warn you of. "Hope" it seems. Maybe ignorance. The unwillingness to let go. But why? However - at the end of the day the one and only 'good advise' will always be that: "Go for it! (but be careful!)". Does the 'be careful' need to be a part of it? One might say yes, the other no. Some believe in the value of advises, others say that we have to make our experiences ourselves.
At the center of my representation stands a Card. The 9 of cups - which practically was at the bottom of my deck since I wanted to make sure that I get the number right. Well. According to the guide I have, some call it 'the wish card'. That a wish will come true. Then again it is however said that it could mean to 'look closer'. Since this card popped up in regards to someone I love I hoped that my wish would be fulfilled - already believing that it would have to - while at the same time being prepared, at least I thought so, to see it the other way. Well, however, I will 'take a closer look' at it today. I did. Already. Hope is Love.
But is Love more than just the consequence of Hope?

To get into that, I first want to |talk| some more about the Tarot itself.


I will try to elaborate on this by reflecting upon a bunch of ... lets call them Oracles ... that I've received during the last week, the events surrounding them and the events regarding them.

Recently "we" have discussed how the 10 of Swords:

expresses the functionality of Tarot. So in response to asking the Tarot about itself - at which point it shouldn't be considered weird or contradicting. Of course it would be contradicting if there were no such thing as higher powers. Then we so may ask God personally about whether practicing it is OK or not - yet, to expand the topic onto that: I've learned from God, about the Testimony (asking Him about stuff) that its no absolute answer. That of course doesn't apply onto the main Testimony; Well - which we need to begin with. However - to get it we already require the knowledge that will compose it. Later, the practicality of the Testimony equally boils down to things we cannot resolve on our own. Otherwise the answer is usually "ill conceived" and the 'real' answer will present itself in due time by other means. That means that we are to have an open mind in concern of the world surrounding us. #Science.

We so need not ask God of the truth of Gravity since Gravity is freely available to us. Although Newton wasn't 100% right, it was enough for the time and in due time "we learned" to resolve the conflicts contained in his theories by other means. That implied that we recognized the conflicts in this theory to begin with. #Einstein, #Mercury.

Now I have wisdom of another Card in the A.E. Waite Tarot Deck - and that card is 'Strength'.

My daily Oracle for today was this:

Which I usually lay in the evening prior to sleeping. Thinking about them so far in different ways. This time I was too tired to think about it at all, so I just took notes, took my little guide-book with me and looked at it as I found the time. By that time the Strength and Knight card did already conclude. And I didn't have a clue just prior to it. By the way: The text in that guide-book concerning the cards is written by 'Rachel Pollack'. I so far did find it generally difficult to interpret the Symbols, especially the cups. But we'll get into that later.

Now, the reason why I think the 'Strength' Card makes a good entry example to the nature of Tarot is, that I think that "its effect" already took place the moment I chose to delay an interpretation. In that sense, the Strength card issues, well, we can call it inner competence. Or childish naivety. Strength that simply comes from within. So in the idea a person that is curious about Oracles, gets one, can't deal with it and chooses to move on regardless - that behavior could already expressed by a variety of cards, no doubt.
And so is the nature of it. These cards simply contain images. By themselves vastly without meaning, but by the picture in combination with its title it begets meaning; And as part of an Oracle it may carry the same out.
However, I would say: Life is fluid. And during the average, uneventful day, these may already be too many cards to say something.

So, to catch up: 1 is the 'main aspect', 2 is the past, 3 is the "future", 4 is the root and 5 is "the crown". According to that booklet, text written by 'Johannes Fiebig'. Those are merely suggestions. If you don't want to call it 'fortune telling', the future is simply ... stuff to keep on mind.

Now does this oracle speak to me as my "configuration" for the day. The Emperor would so describe my main aspect of the day. This didn't come down to any particular event, but more my position in a given clique. And by that I don't mean to say that I was the dominant part. Or "its leader". The 2 here is I think a bit more complicated and vastly what I'll be concerned about when it gets to Love. The root card would properly represent my basic concerns going into the day, which is also stuff I'll get to when it gets to Love.

Regarding this particular oracle does it stand that I today had some personal autonomy and strength going into the day. And reflecting upon today I can say that I didn't need this Oracle in order to 'fulfill' it. But I'll get back to that when we get to Love.

Hmm ... this was more inconclusive than I thought it would be!

But so, regarding the Knight of Cups - my problem is that I try to combine the idea behind cups with the idea behind Knights and thus end up seeing Pages, Knights, Queens and Kings as practically the same. So, those of one color. Knight of Cups wouldn't be much different from the King of Cups. And thus the next Layer opens up to me - which I find in the descriptions in that booklet. I would think that those insights are more sophisticated than mine and often open my eyes for what I am to look at. We get to that later with the Queen of Swords.

In simplest terms is this however 'the background'. Literally. Thinking in terms of Poker or Rummy or whatever, the Pages/Knights are lesser than the King. Going by it as I did - that would simply result in a spectrum of the same meaning. Maybe somehow trying to extrapolate an opposed idea for the Queen. But given that we may see them as identical, the only thing that separates them is the "dressing".
So I however found it amazing that the description of this card reflected upon things I had done, although in this sense I do rather attribute that to the card 'Strength'. The Knight of Cups is there described as something a bit of a dreamer. We don't know what he's up to, whether he returns or leaves - is however "on a search".
TO make my own description I will have to first wrap my mind around the concept of these Symbols. Cups are associated to visions - and so I would think of the cups representing my own visions - yet does the Knight of Cups seem somewhat frozen. Or "posing". He's just there, holding a cup - and other than the identity there isn't much of a "Knighthood" we can find in him. So we have to see it in context to our own. Since so the 'truth' that he is a Knight, his Knighthood not being found in the picture thus reveals its own ambiguity to us. Respectively the Knighthood is ... "something".

The cards description (in the booklet, so going forward) further reads the meaning of a "Spiritual Quest". Yet as advise 'to move slow'. Its difficult to unsee the "Slow Motion" he apparently moves in once having heard of it that way and trying to think of it independently. But so, its weird to speak of motion within a still image. But it further reads: "Be aware of your emotions within your acting". This is something I could apply onto now, this and here. And in-deed is there something like that which 'primed' the topic of Love as presented herein to me. It also came to me today. After all, there are a bunch of events that this card now in this sense applies to. The question would be: Does the card simply drop into these events, making them look more special than they otherwise were? What if the card were a different one? Would that also ... fit the bill?

So, lets ask the Tarot for a Card to compare with.

OK, I'll stick to Ace of Cups as it flipped around while I was shuffling.

And from merely looking at it I could fit this card into the very same events. What so 'primed' my idea of Love would be the Vision delivered by the Hand of God. Respectively would I see things "through this vision", and continue to carry it out here. However, my "hunch" is that this card would have come if I couldn't really write about it. So, in comparison to the Knight is this more so presentation to the beholder rather than actively moving to it. So, too close? Lets pick another one. 8 Wands.

I suppose ... 'same thing'. Instead of speaking of "it" as of a Vision, I'd speak of my desires addressed thereby and the divine stuff intertwined with "them" - or so, the vision. So, its "mean" to pick this card if we criticized the ace of cups as 'too close'; Yet so in comparison to the Cups would this card less apply to visions and more to events. According to the description do some associate team-work to this card. While I didn't have any of it today I'd be left to think of the higher power; But the events I associate to 'Strength' and 'Knight of Cups' today - I would attribute those to my own actions rather than Gods. Neither did "our clique" (which shaped and fell apart today ("inn Joke". The guys last day today)) really do that much together. We just bought tobacco between talking a little and having lunch. So, it sortof fits - but ... not quite.

The next one: Judgment.

Yea, well. In a sense could we say that this text now is some Judgment. Or my conclusion following the days events. And this transition/change that the descriptions would speak of, we could say that my 'vision' will have that effect. However, the conclusion of that vision isn't really conclusive yet. It still contains an open question. It doesn't really represent an 'end' - yet merely another stepping stone.

So, so far we had cards that were 'inherently' close to the subject matter discussed. Might we get one that isn't? The next card is 'Justice'.

Well. Its also kindof close. But, that only concerning one single event that I associate to the link between Strength and the Knight of Cups; While as that, it would we a better fit at replacing the card 'Strength'. However is its tone too exaggerated for that. While I could take the previous cards prior to what happened and be somehow on the same track, this card would have really confused me today. Except maybe in a very abstract way.

Maybe that event shouldn't matter at all. Maybe I just took note of it because it had happened and did fit the description. And so I find that the Knight of Cups plays a far larger roll today at all. Like, I ... uploaded the videos from Yesterday and since they are too many and I have just a little bit of space left I have to pick more carefully. Now I found that I wanted to have something - and then realized that that part was amongst those I actually put away as skipped.
And yet again that wasn't something the cards had to tell me. Which ends up being the ... weird, ironic, contradicting part of looking for Oracles.

Yet so, that is a good segue to the topic of Love. Here I then might write some more of 'Strength', that 'event' - but more importantly, what I feel Tarot has helped me with.


There are a few concepts of Life, interaction with God and Love - that work well together and essentially oppose the idea of a 'practical Oracle'. Thats the crux so far 'stumbled upon' - when it gets to Tarot. Maybe I was just lucky today though that I had 'strength' on my side. Well, let me ... solve this out a little.

Speaking of the 'problem' with Oracles we get to the same argument that defends accusations against the inaccuracy of Testimonies. Simple thing. But nevertheless do we sometimes feel helpless. And this sounds like the ideal Pitch to start advertising for fortune tellers. But its nonetheless a truth. We would ordinarily see those as ordeals that we have to go and grow through.

Then we've also had it a bit with the ambiguity of the nature of these Oracles. That however is a good thing for something like an oracle by Cards. Would we so think to throw in cards that are less ambiguous, we'd have to deal with the consequences of entropy a bit more. Entropy - in its relevance to this stuff - has first been a topic in the Matrix Phenomenon. While eventually difficult to miss, well - its kindof ... so that although the tracks as they play in order are subject to divine intervention by being very specific configurations, they yet "seem" to obey the Laws of entropy. That means that it is highly unlikely that the randomizer will pick tracks in the order they appear in the playlist. For instance. While it is not impossible that the same track can play twice in a row - it is highly unlikely and the pattern of which tracks the randomizer picks will always appear random.
If so a card had a very specific meaning, lets say ... the "You'll die tomorrow" card inserted into a normal Tarot deck ... you'll have to deal with the possibility that this card is going to pop up at some point. And if you so lay Oracles every day - you'd suggest that this card would never ever be drawn until the day before you die. That, by the laws of entropy, is highly unlikely!
So this card would pop up, we assume, without you dieing the next day - and yet something might happen that would remind you of that card. So the meaning would get "ambiguated".

Now, ... there are 5 oracles that I want/need to share with you. 3 day Oracles, and 2 'intuitive' ones. The first I should share would be my baseline for this week. Since the week is over tomorrow, its still not truly concluded but I think that they are already fulfilled:

The black ones are cards I forgot. I didn't write them down. I first laid the back row and then the front row. The back row suggested this to me: It will start good, then 'the star' thing happens, and then we'll be together. What then happened was that the devil 'meant' that I was deceived in my primary assumption; The 'change' that is to mean cure was the 'fallout' of that initial negative; And the 5 coins ... they probably mean that I'll go out empty handed. That I'll be stuck 'looking deeper' instead.

I was optimistic all throughout; And there's still a chance she might write me today, but ... lets not. The 5 coins, when taking it as "institutions won't help" would yet speak against it.

At some point then I was still confused and wondering about what I should do I received a comforting feeling as I thought or was bumped into laying another Oracle. On the other side I had three day-Oracles this week so far; And I could understand each of them in the lines of hope going into that relationship.

But now, I think I must apologize since I won't share ... possibly any of it. I'll just ... be straightforward on this.

This Love was building up before I started to use Tarot cards. So the Hope was already there. I barely remember the first day Oracle I wanted to share, but I still do remember three things: The Hierophant was at the root, the Queen of Swords was the Future and the entire thing looked much like Celebration. So I thought it for good and believed that the Queen of Swords would mean a hint at how I would succeed, or how it would happen. That day was the day where I asked her the second time and got denied. So the Queen of Swords

Still resembled the 'work' of the day, which was to "keep the faith" or at least stay optimistic despite the bad weather. Or more so, the 'looking forward' in this ... 'mixed' weather-prospect.

However, what I did to 'fulfill' the Hierophant was that I put the cross onto my bag; And, later that day, I did another Matrix session with the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. That I didn't intend at first - but, while I was so playing Final Countdown I had the inspiration and thought it a good idea. Also thinking of the Hierophant. All in all I got away with a good mood as I didn't try to be too mad about everything.

Then there was wednesday.

This was it, I think. Then there should be thursday ... but I don't remember. I guess I forgot. No! Uhm. OK. Anyway. Yea. So.
So, what this meant for me was 'change' - because of the dead-man. A transition. Well. After all - I was in a really bad mood all day long; Feeling like dead, pinned to the ground; With only dreams to get some kind of optimism - yet during the day I made sense of how I thought to make sense of it at first. Just ... in a different sense. In the end, I had saved up enough money to buy me something, and that something should be a new Hard-drive because the Matrix Videos have piled up filling everything to the brim.

Then came Thursday.

It looked epic. It had the tower, judgment and for the future - the 6 coins. For the past - 9 coins. It came 'after' I had done that 'individualistic' Oracle - and done some stuff accordingly. Then I had a well rounded something, a message, that I could give her. Of all the cards I could have interpreted as "give her the message(s)", it was the 6 coins. Not the Knight of Coins, not the 6 cups. Not the 6 swords - although that one well represents me in my hopes and moods. Willing, looking forward to it, but also rather pessimistic about it.


So, this is the pattern. The second card relates to top, bottom, left and right. The first card to the rest. This I think best reflects a more complex situation. So, what it did was that the rear card was the High Priestess and thus meant to me things I should be quiet about. Perhaps dream about. Think about. Be peaceful about. The near card I guess was the Knight of Swords ... and the cards relating to it ... I didn't really know at first. Death was one of them. But also star. And due to that card I understood that ... . Well, it delivered to me the presence of my inner aspects, well, "the Animalic" as the description reads it. Things at the bottom of that Love. And as I so began to write I further had to remember that the 3 coins basically still "blocked" my progress in a way. So, the thing that initially "told" me to maybe write something and "channel" it into ... the progress. Though the more I wrote the less I liked it. Anyway. In regards to the cards as they were I wrote. Death always came to mind as I wrote of my pessimism. In the sense of admitting defeat - as however I felt it at the time.

I so produced what I then understood as the wealth depicted by the 9 coins, which then set the context to the 6 coins. My wealth versus her poverty, sotospeak.

And because I 'dedicated' yesterdays Matrix phenomenon to her, its still connected that way. But so, judgment and tower. How did they ... apply?

Maybe not yet. But, I felt greatly reliefed anyway. Judgment? I guess, its just in the way how I got the thing to her. Usually ... I see her going out shortly - though since recently she's been avoiding me - but she also seemed somewhat ... different. More ... like ... coming back to it. Maybe that has something to do with ... oh yea, I ... really forgot.

So, in the recent articles you would read of my struggles "with her" that would basically be struggles with ... other entities. Well. I had my thing, the intention to give it to her - made out in my head how, ... I had the opportunity and I didn't - but thats too far ahead already. Moving up from the station to the place I felt this ... weird burning sensation. Like, so with my thoughts - moving into a ball of fire. Like ... I wouldn't or couldn't give it to her. Like she'd be too upset by then already so ... it just wouldn't happen. I only "knew" how to suck all that burning into my heart and eventually it evaporated. Some things remained, but ... the big bad nasty had cleared up and so did she also seem to have lightened up. I chose to sit next to her, with one chair in-between. That day folks however decided to sit so that I would feel really alone there, so I moved one over and ... I don't know. If theres emotional telepathy it wasn't that bad!

Yea. Its ... ... a Love story as it might only happen in a Psychiatry. "If it is one".

So, Judgment happened - changes happened - I gave it to her, the ice broke a little. And ... well.

SO we get to today - after which I can finally come to the "real" part. Uh. ... well.

Anyhow. Today was a bit odd. She seemed ... well, busy. Not negative. And "the event" is really just a silly one. TOday was "motion group" - so, sports, activity - while, there we usually just throw around with balls or other stuff. Catch with left, throw with right, both at the same time ... stuff like that. And since there are usually new ones there's the game of throwing the ball while calling their names. And between her and me I feel this is awkward. I think that people misjudge the "difficulties" - when ... "mentally challenged". So, while Antichristians would know "the game", they'd play the game. Part of it is to let others 'not' play the game; And so - however - there are all sorts of issues in my mind. You maybe know it. "But others will think" or "She will think". She got the ball a few times, looked at me, and then struggled to find someone to throw it to. And yea. I usually ignore her by trying to figure out whom I 'should' throw it to. I don't know someone's name - or want to "practice" it - I'll do it. Or I'll try to see who's been left out, or is somehow in the vicinity of where I might approximate the balls destination. But I also felt like throwing it to her - and thats strength in combo with the knight of cups right there.

Although strength really took more effect later in the group where I just happened to have a good mood and wasn't really all that pre-occupied with stuff.

Yea - well.

End of the line.


So. Hope is Love. As usual - once I've "sent out" a thing, I usually start thinking of things that I 'forgot'. I was in a mindset that was totally different from mine while I was writing. Specifically the item of hope and belief. I didn't question my ability to overcome it if I had to - but, though its just a minor thing, certainly was too pessimistic considering its consequences.

Well. Hope is Love. And while we hope, belief isn't far away. And so also the story with Anna. She never quite ... killed my hope. With Marie its different. I don't feel like trying too much - but I was left riddled with ... concerns. Concerns that I had addressed and now its up to her. If she wants to make it up to her. So I'm in an awkward spot, but I don't feel awkward. I feel relieved. All my concerns are addressed in that message; And if it doesn't mean anything to her I must have been wrong. In this case no answer is an answer - and I understand that without any hope I don't have a reason to believe and without a reason to believe I have no reason to be or feel disappointed.

But I 'know' - the better now - that it was "more". There's a certain potential that, if she decides to give it a chance, will end up in what we might call true Love.

Not in the esoteric sense. In the intermediate sense.

So, what have I learned and how?

Well - open minded ... nothing that I wouldn't have learned without Oracles?

But yea. What would I expect? I had inner struggles - asked, after all, Cards for Guidance (in a sense) - and, I'd expect them to tell me 'yes' or 'no'. But we've learned that these cards have an inherent ambiguity to be valued for what they are. So, they couldn't tell me what. So I'd have to learn what they'd be wanting or willing to tell me. And by learning it, I've learned something - for life. Not just a silly bit of Mysticism - but something profound. Something I was confused about - that the cards guided me through. It was due to that, that I got to write what now makes me feel like I've accomplished something - without anything left. Well - there might things be left, still, ... useless detail that wouldn't matter one way or the other. Well. For now that is, at least.

Would it have happened otherwise? Well, who could tell? The one who could would of course have to say, I assume, of course! But still - the Oracles were better than nothing. I might assume that if I refuse to draw any cards the next week, something good might happen. Or is that superstition?

There are things to maybe dig into that a little deeper. I've begun to write her before all the Tarot stuff. Which to me already meant as much as 'failure'. It meant as much as: "Too much time has passed so that now my escape is on paper". And that, no matter how much I didn't want it that way, would mean that this would have to be the way inevitably.

And so the three of coins popped up "all the time". Well, initially at least.
Together with the 9 cups, which, was probably foreshadowing this.

If it works out in the end, its still true that hope is love. And how this hope gets born ... that may be the answer to what it will be in the end.

Hmm. 9 swords. Whats up with that one? Yea, the 'saddening truth' finally becomes aware. To me it used to be how I felt weekend after weekend, or night after night as time went more and more dire. Its like I had that card programed into me to associate it to that when I saw it. Then it was like a mirror. But I wasn't saddened by this outcome, I was ... smacked by being in Love again. With someone I ... deemed ... maybe too wonderful to be true. Being afraid of getting myself into "just this" situation yet again. Unwilling to do, unwilling to bear the risk to get disappointed yet again. But the way it went on, day after day, was that I only grew more and more eager to see this to an end. A conclusion. Mostly driven by hope. And belief. And if this is now all just to burst like a bubble - I however finally learned it. And this lesson is valuable even if it comes together.

So, well - so far.

Hope is Love - thats ... all I have to say.

Nightmares and Fear

Fundamental/EmpiricalPosted by Nicole Mon, August 20, 2018 00:39:36

[Nightmares, Fear Conditions, DMX, Feminism ... and more ... and less]

I should sleep, but I feel like I shouldn't - and thats one of those feelings that I've learned to ... trust. I'm ... about to, anyway.

I've had nightmares in my lifetime, but ... not for a long time. There are three, basically, that I can recall. One of them was a repeating one. Or should I put it as: "one of those" ... repeating ones? Well, of those I also had a couple in my lifetime.

Well, in the one I came into the main "hallway" of the apartment I grew up in. And at the one end my Dad appeared and he had the appearance of a T-Rex. I got scared, ran away - the other way. Heading towards the balcony - and I realized that it was just a dream and I jumped down.

If what I think of choices in dreams is right - then that was the moment where I "decided" that I can get along without him.

That repeating one - was basically a black void filled with spaghetti like ... roads. I moved upon them and eventually they'd get ... bumpy. A weird feeling. A little bit like once a sleepy limb wakes back up, but different nonetheless. It was nasty - it felt uncomfortable and for the Love of God I wanted it to stop. Eventually I got onto a smooth passage - and I guess since there and then had this hope that one day things will be ... 'better'. Or in my lifetime ... to look for it. I get reminded of it every once in a while.

The other one ... I found myself somehow chased by a black man. An afro american - who chased me up a skyscraper in construction and at the end of a beam he shot me. I fell down - and as I smashed onto the ground I woke up. And the guy looked like DMX.

That may have been a prophetic one. I remember another one where DMX had a role. I somehow was "washed ashore" in NYC. I was looking for a place to stay and found something. Maybe too good to be true. Eventually however it got scary there - and I escaped. Swum in some water ... to some point. Got out. And then - it somehow blurrs away. Next things I remember are walking through a house filled in red Light, DMX opening a side-door to it; And then ... Eminem dressed as a clown with some other clowns ... smashing against a garage door that ... was filled with graffiti and had just closed. Then I woke up - with some meaning of ... well. It was like ... if I "sided" (?) with DMX, Eminem would freak out.

I had another dream where I got killed - or more - but I wouldn't call those Nightmares.


Well, Prophetic dreams?

I've had such. And also with my Depression I think I'm getting into areas that aren't as easy ... to "get". I mean, entering grounds that seem out of touch. Like, things that to me happen to be easy but others ... maybe don't 'believe' they could ever "get there". And to that I think that those problems are problems that are ... well ... "intrinsic" to ones mind. With that we also get to this "fabled" ... "enemy within". The mind eventually grows beyond ones own ... errors ... but those errors persist. Simply because over the time they've grown stronger - and that because they're ... "essential" ... to, basically, ones ... "Character". Character, yea!

Its like the foundation to a house - which is ... basically ... irreplacable. One has to tear down the whole house to ... "fix it".

Fear. ... I had fear. But - in a weird way I learned to ignore it. Or escape it. To a point where I wouldn't even rationally comprehend it as fear anymore. I realize that now because ... "they" (Psychiatry) talk of fear frequently. And I, when I get asked about it I generally have to say 'no'. But there are those moments - usually after I got high, but only sometimes - where I have this weird ... anxiety. Its like instead of the "sweet high" there's this fog, ... a black dark fog with phantoms inside that wanna reach for me and make me feel like I've done something wrong. Well, it starts there - and I assume that this is simply because thats "my frontier". Thats where "they" begin to chew. And if you don't have those ... "fortifications" I have then they might have more control upon you. Well ... . The thing is - I get into those situations also when I'm not high. At least - in a ... in some way. I can however relate to it and see how it would appear to me had I smoked weed.

And these things - maybe thats why ... or, I'm sure that thats why ... I'm so much into horror movies and such. I have the feeling that those 'manifested fears' work as a sponge. If I have correlating fears, or "phantoms", they somehow ... get manifest with the images and that on the other end makes them more relate-able to me. Its like ... pouring flour into water. The image gets cluttered up with the manifestation ... uh ... and so a face that I would tend to trust would appear not so trustworthy anymore because now the 'pictures' that are cluttered up with it carry their own weight.

I feel like I've seen all the movies free on Amazon Prime already. At least, the better rated ones. Meanwhile I'm scavenging ... what I would call "all the Nonsense". And yea, not all of them are quite ... "all that bad". But if I were to give them any prizes they'd still be more of the Golden Raspberry kind. More or less.

Well. There's this - which is unrelated to ... "the phantoms of the abyss" I have; If we want to call them that way - movie, ... the german title is "Orphanage - Das Weisenhaus 2" (Orphanage - the Orphanage 2) ... uh ... "The Orphanage Milwood"?. Well, its ... in its content reminiscent of a Psychiatry. And I guess it depends on ones mindset whether this movie would awaken, support or kindle such fears - or work as I described earlier. Well, lets ... think this through. It happens so that this "cluttering" thing doesn't work because there is no dark and mysterious phantom that tries to hide. So, rather is there a fear that then would further clutter up with these "horrors" - and so, it would depend on what experiences you have with those things. And well, the dramatic reality would suggest that ... there are places like that and so ... its a different issue.

I have my own Demons to fight - and I guess thats one thing I ... basically 'grew' afraid of. They were nothing I ... ever had any control of and thus ... it appeared unimaginable how I could ... fight them. But since I've found that what it takes is ... well, 'are' ... the right tools to it. While they are beyond ones reach, thats just the way it is. One develops ways to deal with them otherwise - and thats maybe how their terror continues. I had this one dream which I guess was close to a nightmare. I wrote of it - the latter part of it - just ... some time ago. The "Starcraft" dream with the Red Crystals and strange riots or overtaking. In the beginning of that dream I was living in the room I lived in before I lived in the Redlight district. Well, the room in my grandpas house. My dad was there and everything was just ... fine. Hmm ... now I remember a few other ... strange dreams. Well, anyhow. Everything was fine - but then some of his friends were to come. And everything should be better. But then I got worried - some strange fear came upon me - and then I fled. I felt ... stunned. As though something had tranquilized me. And following - this idea. That my Dad would only play nice until all "elements" would be in position to strike. Or was that the origin of that fear? I can't really recall that now - but anyway, it was mostly something that occupied my mind during waketime anyway.

And in a strange way - I ... felt it coming while in the same time feeling ... like I couldn't do anything. Surely, the idea of going into a Psychiatry seemed like the perfect fit. Its not to hard to believe, for me, that this outcome would have been foretold - while other things leave me to suggest that the opposite was ... the plan.

Which also reminds me of the T-Rex thing. Huge Legs, but tiny arms. Which I think fits the "natural power" of the Antichrist(ians) pretty well. They can do a lot in the shadows - but "the System", as it is, is operated through normality. Normal people have to exist in it. Live in it. Making it work. So, in a psychiatry with Normal people I don't have to worry anything! Well, the more it is run by them - the more problematic it gets; But part of my bettering ... well ... "taught" ... or yea, 'taught' me that I, in this situation, am my biggest enemy. If I refuse help, I'm on my own. And on my own, without anywhere to go, I'm trapped!

So, whatever it may be. Schizophrenia, real Phantoms, ... Paranoia or real Enemies; It boils down to the same thing, somehow.

I recall ... . Once I found myself in that situation of ... just not seeing ... "the end", or "the way". So I wanted to know - and I had what I would now call a Vision. A ... "sticky insight". Or memory? Well, the memory is clear - its sticky - its as fresh, basically, as the moment whence it came. It was a road; And it was leading up to a bridge - and there ... it seemed to be closed. Then there was a "Forrest way" leading off it. It also came to an end. Beyond this barrier there was a willow. Beyond that willow a ... some water. Beyond that water ... a building. And that was the way. Or "would have been" the way. Back then I was still in - and I just moved on as before. Some time later I was in another measurement of the Job Center - and thats where I got stressed out, ... and simply felt better staying at home. So, would that be the dead end on the road? Or was that me ... taking the exit? I got stuck there for a while until someone got concerned about me. This would seem like its the exit on the road; Like ... officials coming in and ... doing their thing. And so I might have had to look for Transgender Therapy another way.

Well. The thing is however that I can relate to the grassy area and the water beyond it. The grass, full of stones, that is now. Therapy. Thereafter - rehabilitation. Also - gender alignment. Would be a few years - but all in all - getting away from ... trying to pretend as though I could live a normal life in this situation.

How does a Ghost catch its prey?

I have to think of a movie called "The Bye Bye Man". In this its so that ... generally one is to not think or say his name. But yet there is one scene where the Protagonist starts to strike out the name, and with each occurrence of his name that is striked out, he moves closer. And so it would actually be ignorance that "summons" him. And likewisely, in the end he concludes that it is his fear that gives him strength. He tries to be brave; And he breaks his illusion for a moment.

Well, its ... perhaps bad to consult such movies for council - but, one thing is nevertheless certain: They deal with fear. Some would do it better than others - and each one potentially differently so. The classic story needs a beginning, a main part and an end. The ghost starts his shenanigans, the terror unfolds and ... somehow the thing has to end. Depending on what the end should be there then would be some plot device to end it, or not. Or there is one but it matters not. Or there is none but somehow it works out anyway.

Ghosts get scary when they can do stuff and also read our minds. So they start to drive "us" crazy. The two in combination make for a simple concept of a ghost. He reads our minds to do stuff. We pay attention to it, start to move within those illusions and by doing so we're already moving in its realm - a realm that is produced to take us closer and closer to him. SO, in other words: The further we enter its realm, the more powerful the ghost can be. Its ... simple ... "Geometry".

Those dreams that I remembered while writing of the place I used to live in - or being reminded of it - well, they ... as one could suggest by now ... are reoccurring ones. Sometimes I find myself sneaking around the lower storage hall and some ... shady stuff is going on. I hide. And eventually I find myself fighting. In the upper one some constructions are going on. And then there's something of a hidden treasure. I think thats my gramps' Testament. Accordingly, my brother, dad and I would get equal parts of his wealth. But without the original - we couldn't claim it. So, thats why the dream changed - after I moved out - where the treasure was no longer hidden in the house, but, in an underground facility.


Well, I come to believe that it wouldn't have been worth the trouble.

The DMX dream is also somehow clear to me nowadays. "How can I be a fan of his?". Well, I can only believe that in truth he's a fan of God - and so, whatever has been meant however ... well, however it may be ... shouldn't trouble me at all. I mean, whatever diverges from the true path; The one we all are to travel on ... cannot be considered ... 'Honest' ... in ... "that" sense.

And so I also come to find a where and when to write about Feminism. "Finally, ... "once and for all"".

Its something that has bothered me. Like, ... you just say a thing you believe is true and get into conflicts with ... "Feminists" or whatever. But lets put it so: 'I' ... have my opinion. Just like ... Thunderf00t or Undoomed ... have theirs. And ... "something" would like me to believe that I'm wrong listening to them. But well. Lets say that they are 'not' Antichristians. Just as I am ... 'not'. What does it change? Well - what ... would you do? Or would you have me do? Or them? There are ... principles. Things that we believe in, each in their own way, that ... "you" would have us give up because ... 'Feminism'.?!... . And we say no! Not out of hostility but, in your ... "rage" ... you wouldn't see it any other way. Because you 'have to' ... keep pushing.

And the consequence? Trouble!

ANd so ... there is this ominous "Way of Truth". What is it? What could it be? I'm walking on my way with God - and that takes me to things that DMX wouldn't consider ... 'real' or however we wanna put it. And so there is this convergence ... of our ways. Mine and his. Those like me and those like him. And where they converge - there has to be unity. We have to stand next to each other; With each other. Beyond that ... they ... might ... "leave" each other again. They can be them and we can be us - each ... being an individual again.

Cannot see it work?

It has to be a unified way - for all and forever the same?

No divergence?

No ... what?

Define! This Mystery! Can you tell me what it means?

Explain! These Notions and Metaphors!


You must see it by now! You can't win! Its pointless!

Are you fighting for something? For more than your survival? Can you tell me what it is? Do you even know? Is it freedom or Truth? Could it be for Love?

All Illusions? Vagueries of Perception? Temporary Constructs of a Feeble Human Intellect trying to justify an existence that is without meaning or purpose? And all of them as artificial ... as ... the Matrix itself?

Dig it like that: What is freedom if yours diverges from the one that God "intends" (supports) for all of us? What is Truth if yours only keeps on fueling a fire of hatred against God? What is Love, if all it is isn't more but a reason to fuel that fire even more? You wanting it your way? Not wanting some "White old Prick" to determine your fate? What is it?

"The purpose of Life is to end".

Isn't it?

"This Life" - this convoluted life. This life of confusion and redundant bitterness which we in our Mass Delusional Society somehow learned to romanticize? Or is it really just a of ... individuality? Well, who would know to keep the two apart?

Baptism however is death! Killing this old self thats caught up in the spiderwebs of the dark predators of this reality, its demons, phantoms, ghosts and what not. Allowing God to flush it by a cleansing Light - transforming morbidity into ... /true/ individuality.

You must be able to see it by now!

Is it freedom? Or Truth? Perhaps peace? Could it be for Love?

Feminism is Tyranny!

There's a line ... separating obsession from fanaticism.

Peace! And 'Sela'!

Serotonin re-uptake inhibition

Fundamental/EmpiricalPosted by Nicole Wed, August 08, 2018 15:26:46

Lady Slut and Roleplaying Issues

[A practical insight into the workings of clarity and love in relation to psycho-active substance intake]

Along with how the Matrix keeps on confirming me in my own self-perception I feel less of a need to justify me in my being. As of that I would normally start getting 'back' into that subject with a mindset that assumes that generally speaking my position is taken as nonsense. So I would have to start at square one and re-iterate the introduction points etc. which as it so happens would here and there come hand in hand with newer associations to the subject matter.

In this contrast I would further feel generally alone. Being 'down a path' that would be too extreme for even the most "hardcore sluts" to follow. At least enough to kick them out of their 'concept of alignment'. So I would for instance think that a person which has inherent ties to certain Satanic themes and Sexuality would easily feel stranger to the concepts I have to the point where there would be no alignment recognized. At that point it then would seem rather difficult for me to 'explain' how it is just an attitude problem. Or how that persons alignment would yet be individual and in its differences still valid as it is.

Yet it is one of the 'core items' of all that. Essentially one could metaphorize 'it' to the glowing candle. The issue of individuality and - to the "uninitiated": the Profane truth of Gods attitude to value and support our individuality. That however and most certainly (as utterly self-understood) in alignment to His great sense of divine Unity and Harmony. So, naturally it is one self-explaining tenant of 'Paradise' that we won't harm one another. Some might think that it is the nature of a finite world with finite resources that we have struggles to begin with, but of the ten commandments only one actually deals with worldly possession. If we exclude 'life' as one of them.

One has to keep in mind that not only do we there deal with everlasting Life, but as of that also with the term of 'living'. And living comes with all the "bam". Expectations, Plans, Joys/Pleasures, etc.; So that something as simple and technically essential as "reproduction"/Love (well, lets call it 'simple' (by concept)) gets complicated as it involves another individual with the same basis of ... "rights" of freedom. It is through that, that the idea of the promise of "70 virgins" needs to be linked to the question whether there even be 70 people that would wanna share time with you.

As otherwise confusing, I came up with the term 'Psi' (well, ...) in association to 'Clarity' to frame the social elements to it. So, my clarity being 'Whore' or 'Sex-Slave' - it needs be so that there is a Pimp/Owner for it to work. While that is implied within Clarity, Psi takes us/me to the 'actuality' thereof; Though I have to keep on mind that my case might be special in that my privacy and "professionality" are close to each other. It is however now so as a part of Clarity or Psi, that Gods influence can manipulate us. That is one way to assume that one might have X number of spouses. Thus - simply suggesting that God elects 70 individuals per person that are by all means bound to wanting to be with that other one. One way God could take care of doing this right by evaluating our individualities and corresponding interests and priorities. And there Love comes down to its most pragmatic and logical "data points". Whom would I want to be in Love with, if not with someone I can vibe with? Eventually this point is hard enough to make any alternative seem irrational - but it still is "too technical" to really sit well with us. We can't explain it, ergo we can call it irrational still, but as of that would also know that rationality - to our understanding - isn't always perfect. It is flawed. This is also why we should be scared away from "Golden Chaining". So, implying too much into a simple root of understanding.

On the same note: Free Will is irrational since if it were not, it would not exist since it would be entirely based on rationality. And by being that, there is no free will, or will at all.

So is individuality itself also irrational since rationally we should want and want to be all the same. Because rationality only knows perfection without divergence/risk.

Respectively do I understand my Love-situation as something akin to a puzzle. Well, or ... "flowers and bees" in a distant sense. Flowers and Bees - well, this model is easy to visualize. We have "buds" - and when in Love with someone else, their "bees" come and fertilize them. These then are 'memories'; Experiences that basically carry that social bond. And it is to me so that they cannot be undone. I suggest it is because of our emotional connection to them, that they simply become pivotal elements to our emotional constitution influencing our entire "social meta" (reasoning of Love). Well, unless we've lost our active memory of them. Then they work more ... passively. Yet as our minds have grown around them, they would still function in relative patterns.

So do I for instance know - as through the Force I must assume - that there is one that I am supposed to Love, but I cannot love "her" like I do love my #1. The "#1 buds" will always contradict to that.

So is it with 'adultery', the case of finding another ("more suitable") Lover, that the Love experience is different. One eventually saturated the experiences with the one and then moved on to something else. The success with that would/should depend on how "wholesome" that Love interacts with ones intermediate reality/world/life/consciousness/... .

In my case I believe it to be so that my "first buds" are "whore-ish". Saying: I have enjoyed various states of intimacy without direct Love towards an individual. Then came my first Love and respectively are there yet my 'first buds' that entice me to further experience my life as a prostitute of some kind. It is complicated - saying: It takes time to wrap ones head around those things. I mean - once things start coming they come, as far as I understand, in no 'practical' order. An order starts to be perceptive once a certain amount of "things" have come up; Sufficiently so to realize some context and relativities. Respectively does ones image/perception also change over time until it has settled within its own sotospeak.

This is to say that coupling is ... complicated ... when understood, as far as I understand, through "the eyes of God". And something tells me that it is not only complicated, but paramount. I further think that we aren't all "of the same cloud". Although some individuals might be bigger to the point that they are a part of a cloud that inhabits many. As a cloud I hereby mean, simply enough, a collective of beings caught up in what would be a "sense" of co-existence. A part of God, as I would describe it, that links us together. But perhaps its better to think of some geology where now there are regions, boundaries and gates. And then some evolution over time.

When thinking of Love we can so think of 'things' and 'links'. I can so want a specific thing, or a specific link. Both comes with the respective other; but priority-wise that also generates conflicts within our understanding of fairness. If I now want 'some-one' who would be best at giving 'the thing' to someone else - so for instance - whats it gonna be? Should God prioritize the link or the thing?

Ultimately to me it comes out that the link takes priority because they are unique; In that I for instance cannot replace someone. And I would suggest that that is good! It adds meaning to 'true Love'. But further we must wonder whether true Love is always mutual; And I would suggest: Yes - if so that these buds that I'm talking of are inherently mutual constructs. In that regard they would assure a 'strong Link' that also works for those involved.

It is now through such issues that my Clarity is re-affirmed. Or my clarity in some way shapes the demands wherein I then find my Love-interests confirmed. And thats how I experience the reality of my "sexual excessiveness". Ergo: It is 'not' a 'practical idea' of how life should be. But an abstract one.

But still practical to some extent. So is there my clarity by which I settle my priorities. Respectively - since my real-time existence shows none of such habits - do I experience it as stranger once clarity related concepts grow within me; But still is it so that any prospect of a related lifestyle happens to be enticing towards me. The more I progress in my gender transition, the more I'm easing up towards Loving 'men' - so, becoming Hetero-Sexual (or "remaining" so); Although ultimately I still see myself as lesbian.


It is now clear to me that the influence of the Force (God) in all this is 'fundamental'. Saying, God helps us procure our vital interests and priorities and further helps us structure our lives accordingly. That is clear to me since I've experienced the effects of Serotonin re-uptake inhibition (Anti-Depressives (Venlafaxin (75mg/day (starting with less)) that clearly cancelled out a certain spectrum of emotions. I can still experience their foundations, but the effect isn't quite as strong. I suppose that my depression caused a stronger draft into a depressing interpretation of those foundations.

Serotonin re-uptake inhibitors 'block' the body from ... "recycling" Serotonin. That is important because Serotonin cannot be "put into" the brain - or something like that. There's a barrier, so, when consumed it stays in a part of the nervous system thats irrelevant to our mood. Inhibiting its re-uptake means that more is available, but it also ... messes things up a bit. Its hard to explain, but ultimately the key insight to this is that the spirit has a broader unity with the body than we might suspect. I think we can draw an analogy to Quantum-Physics where we can imply that quantum states (super-positions) can be directly associated to Gods will. And as we are supposed to have physical senses to for instance feel pain, our minds need a strong link to its ... biochemistry we'd assume I suppose.

So can the presence of certain compounds within our nervous system be rationalized as carrying specific moods or at the very least 'impressions' - which then would be resources to our minds ability to ... function. So, the more dopamine we produce the more ... "off the ground" our thoughts can be. Serotonin on the other end helps us relax - in the broadest sense - while I however assume that its re-uptake is also coupled to certain conditions which once inhibited are simply put inhibited.

Hence does my sexual excessiveness now no longer exist emotionally - reasonably - ... uh, as reasonably emotional, but by a fundamental understanding of myself that yet renders me incapable of settling upon or reasonably creating alternate solutions. Well, unless there is sufficient space. One example of such would be in the assumed 'void' that a practically monotone setup somehow implies. So, understanding myself as a 'sex doll' implies that I have no reason outside of being a sexual utility and as of that would settle in a way that could be regarded as demise or depressive. One step further away from "mechanical" I understand myself as a pet. So, animalic patterns of behavior surrounding those mechanisms that make me that kind of doll I am. Yet with a higher level of mental activity we inherently leave that sphere where now the question for my mental activity needs an answer; And this answer can only be sexualized indirectly. And then, when so generalizing my activity as creative (Designer) my ability to realize that within sexual terms is also limited by ... things. Necessity for once; But maybe more importantly the respective impact regarding the equilibrium between submission and dominance. So, being submissive by kind 'should' block me from functioning "creatively dominant". So, the extent of how sexualized my intellectual activity can be cannot be inherently dictated. There is however a bit of tolerance. Well ..., the thing being that intellectual work is work of its own, where now sexual items cannot be rationally integrated. Thinking of math for instance can Sex not really be a thing; Unless that math could somehow produce sexuality; Which would be more of a random thing that furthermore were too ... abstract to settle on that for a thing. As so math takes the upper hand.

Well, I'm not that good at math but I happen to have sufficient understanding of it to support my Programming interests. While there I find myself ambitioned to utilize it sexually, the work itself that is to support those ambitions has to be done vastly in ignorance of it. Its a weird dynamic.

Well, regarding my Creativity however I don't really experience myself as free. That supports me in recognizing me as submissive by nature. And its only depressing if one were to exclude all the sexual fun from the equations.


Frozen - "the Witch"

Fundamental/EmpiricalPosted by Nicole Sun, July 29, 2018 15:13:34
[Of converging with the Darkness and Evil]

I once invented a Name for the Father; Abayan; And that moment ... a figment ... appeared. Lusting for it. Prolonging it. Digging on me so that I might give this name to him. I declined. Yet ... it went on. It continued. And soon - I'm not sure which - it continued with threats. Not against me, but against whom I Loved ... and I became weak and did as it requested. It wanted to take me from behind. It did - but soon I felt deceit; Yet I felt dirty, dirtied, ... the name ... tainted. The relationship to my Father, the Father, ... well ... apart of stains it seemed all just well.

Soon enough God was familiar to me by ... well ... a strong growth of hair on his back. And I loved it. It was cozy. Weird ... it should seem ... and in deed, we'll be getting there.

So time passed by and I had started to prostitute myself. I felt like I wanted to be a part of it but just wasn't. I wondered, worried - and the thought of praying to the devil entered my mind and started to nourish itself on my attention. However I tried to repel the idea, it seems as though I was sliding down a slippery slope without anything to hold me. The only thing that I could do was to assure that I wouldn't ... "do the bad thing" per se. Making sure that I wouldn't betray God.

Thereafter, that hair - once so cozy, a happy place like a wonderful forest - turned vile. Sweaty. Sticky. "Ugh" - Nasty. And it made me sad.

Before all that - I once smoked some weed. It was in the Philippines. I had it from some guy. I didn't know another way to smoke it but to take the sticky piece of an envelope to build a joint. I smoked it. Soon thereafter ... I felt like dieing. And I prayed to God to please keep me alive and in return I'd want to be the best Christian there has ever been. Thats where I heard a voice speaking "John, You know that I'm there for you!".

Much later I've been in L.A. at some point. I believed my Love for J.Lo was meant to be. Love ... ... how much ... ill has it brought upon this world?

I once woke up having dreamt of a girl and I knew I wanted to Love her. I prayed to God "please". Later that day I succumbed in the doorway - and vacuum cleaner was presented to me where I had to flip a switch. On or off. Whatever I did - it rang at the door later that day. Two girls stood there that I had never seen; And the one told me that I'm not a man and that she'd be off doing more evil than ever before.

I was in Love with J.Lo and wondered ... what to do? I wrote her a letter and wrote of my desires of submission. Like in a dream it so was that there had been a guy with a crown - and I could have been his ... I suppose. I'm not entirely sure, ... but I didn't want it. Maybe it was me who damaged this toilet ... because I had to in order to consolidate my choice. Not that I remembered much of it.

Everything I did seemed cursed. Could it be ... . My Half-Sister once had me swear something on the Bible. Something I knew I broke, and in return ... something with thorns around my hands ... should happen.

While I was prostituted ... I saw a lot people come and go. Near the end of my time there, ... I stole 25 bucks. While later I was accused of having taken 50 or 75 ... it doesn't matter as it however had been the end for me. I almost stumbled down the stairs, tripping over however once, ... it was a bit as though I got shoved.

There are a lot of strange things I went through. One more I just remembered ... is that I once fell asleep. I was a child. I guess I had listened to some Bible Story Audio Cassette. And in that dream - I think - I was told about my future. About what I am here to do.

I just told the latter ones because ... well. When else might I share them? Well - I did. I might.

Frozen ... . It seems to me as though I'm stuck. Stuck between condemnation and salvation. In some weird limbo. Be it on my way to heaven as some rift to hell opens up; Or on my way to hell with a ray of heaven shining at me.

So well. I quit working in the Red Light, was on the streets; And met even more of those people I had met before in NYC and LA. With one I ended up joking about how far we made it. Unemployed, sitting in a shelter. After some time I had my own room - I was busy with my own stuff - and ignored what friendships I had made. One ... left angrily. Understandably. I felt I didn't have the time.

... I was in LA and attended a sermon. It was in a park and I got to them near the end. The two that had held it asked me about me. Then they prayed for me, that my feet might find the right path and gave me 20 bucks.

... I was in LA and visited a Mormon municipality. Thereafter I went out looking for a post office and ended up wandering around aimlessly. I got thirsty and thought of begging for money, but I felt ashamed ... and unlucky. I asked anyhow - but, I maybe got 25 cents and was demotivated. I sat down in some shadow and inwardly said to God that I'm thirsty. Then ... a preacher who was preaching in the park came to me and told me that I'm going through a need. I jokingly replied that "Yes, I'm thirsty" - but he offered me 20 bucks for listening to his story. Or were it 10?

He was about to commit suicide once. Standing on the Bridge already, thinking that nobody loves him. And it is then where a voice spoke to him from within, telling him "I do". He didn't understand at first - but as he realized that it was Jesus he felt His Love coming over him. Or something like that. And thats basically how or why he became a preacher. And I call that 'the Testimony of Christ'. A ... simple 'epiphany' whereby the truth of Christ is simply put ... 'ignited'.

"The Witch" is a movie that I just watched. From the first moment I had to think about what it was that made me watch it; After I had seen that it wasn't rated all that well.

As I said - I quit my work, had a room, lost a friend; And it was there in my desolation that again ... Satanism would call upon me. I was lost in thoughts of Monica; Confused, wondering about her reality; And I was told that I would have to become a Satanist. The picture of swimming in a public bath, filled in candle light and crowded with people dressed in black was in my mind.

I tried to resist, but my heart turned sore. I saw the way - that it would suit my lifestyle, or my desires more to the point; Things I believed were from God, but diminished in their quality due to constraints of the Biblical Light. I thought it would have to be, as a play per se, a bridge for the mind; But still I resisted. My heart turned black. Splinters of black, tar covered glass striking through it. Just the thought of "making the step" made it go away. Maybe I didn't cover all the options?

I did it however. If it was a sign between right and wrong - it shouldn't go away for something thats wrong!

It wasn't easy to get my head into it. To cut off all the strings to fully dwell in the truth of this Satanism.

What happened is that I sunk deeper and deeper. Found myself a Goddess, craving for life in the Abyss. But powers? Magic?

The Witch is a movie about a Christian family that gets excommunicated from their village and moves out into a wild. They find a place, build a farm, but soon get haunted by a witch - and nothing they try does any good at stopping her. Higher Powers, Forces of Nature, ... all that misses between Mysteries and Sciences is knowledge.

I wonder of my life, my words, my story - everything, my status, my role, ...; And that I despite having experienced miraculous things - and so so at least once every 6 days these days - my life is so ... much not "like that". How little I know. ... Although when moving from picture to fantasy, 16 is quite accurate. Amazing!

I have to think about what I want to write about and must realize that I can't. Sex ... prostitution ... it seems like a cure to my problems. "Do what you dream". But oh my, thats another story.

Anyhow. I have to realize that a lot of crazy comes from misjudging the truths of reality. Clearly. We might look at the bads of 'panic' and see how irrationality causes problems where rationality could solve them. And its about the 'could' rather than the 'would'.

Hmm ... I had a dream once. Watching Matrix Revolutions on Loop for days ... I once slept and dreamt of being in the movie. So I woke up in the back of Niobes car, basically. So, I was sitting there in the back of that car in the dream, and woke up seeing the car on screen. And the 16-2 moment at just a little while ago (2:51) triggered it; The train bit - as that had been in the dream too, sortof.


Well, that somehow concludes the 'Paranormal Activity' I can record. There are dreams; And I think about keeping a dream record of sorts. I had prophetic ones that I understood as such in hindsight and I regard them as too cryptic to be of any worth other than that of looking back and understanding some sort of synergy between dreams and reality. And similarly I look at fortune telling. Fortune telling is similarly "a lie" in that it creates an illusion of ... not choice ... but the opposite while in the meantime suggesting some sort of control one might have. Irony, it seems.

About that though, to address the elephant in the room, ... I suggest its everyones own ... fault? Why is this word creeping up in here? Well - you take what you can and see what you will. Or ... 'as you' ... see what you will. You're looking for something and if it ain't the truth - well, you might see it but still not get it. If we are so without free will and perfectly victims of a semi-deterministic universe ... uh, whats the semi there for? Lets say we behave just as the configuration of our minds allows us to - "perfectly unfree". It is so ours to 'feed' our minds with the proper stuff so it would dig the right thing and do the right stuff, going the right ways. And well, ... 'truth' shouldn't come without some sort of lack of freedom. Its kindof, well, its purpose! Like in a math test. You are free to put whatever answer to any problem - but thats kindof ... not how it works!

As for the other elephant, or elephants ... well. As for this - I see two ways. There's the one of my clarity and stuff about freedom, peace, truth and love. Things that 'the enemy' would understand to package in a way that would have one suggest they can give you better than what God does. And I think thats one item at the center of "the age old struggle" between good and evil. The other is simply about the ... bad I did.

Or ... proposed bad.

? I however understand that God likes us and wants us to be free. And I yet see freedom in slavery. I have this thing ... which in simplicity has me regard this "alternative" as above other possibilities. I so keep writing on my software and get a positive feeling from aiming at finishing it. But if one were to give me the alternative by so for instance purposefully laying waste to it - I find it hard to resist. And thats just a thing, which I at other points regard as possibly deceptive.

God knows why you did what and everyone has to come around recognizing the own faults. Whether they be serious or trivial flaws. We can't overcome them on our own. On the other hand do we need to totally understand ourselves to better realize in how far God supports or interferes with our own freedom.

I so had a way before me - a way I might have moved further on had I not had that tight relationship with the Most High. In hindsight I must find myself pushed back upon it again - while God seems to care about me doing it so as though I had done the "wrong" thing for reals. I suppose its some kind of ordeal that is to put me into the right conditions so I might fully be a part of the world that I suppose is my 'home'. So, the realm of Darkness to be some more explicit.

At the core of it is this weird conflict of worshiping and Gods identity. As I was doing those 'wrong' things I had thoughts on my mind that wouldn't let me reconcile with God. So, I did a 'wrong' and due to that my relationship to God was tainted. I so had to be on my way and basically negate those thoughts in order to find peace again. Let it be time or a specific insight. Well, time would bring the insight.

Now, when trying to assume that all of us are to follow the same 'normity' of divine expectations - uhm. We can draw a cone. Bottom ring being us as a whole; And there's so another ring resembling a layer of rules we all can sit well with - moving towards a point at which our individuality faults us from being uniform. In the idea does this goal also negate our individuality. To draw the cone now the other way, do we have to find God in the center as point that illuminates our individualities which in so are a first ring on that cone. And as how shadows are cast our individualities project as a hologram along their 'lines'.

Well, that means ... or rather so implies ... that every one in a while "my core" - basically 'resets'. That means that I for instance gather up "dirt" in the shape of anything that resists my core identity. In that regard I by the way think I have ... what amounts to 'dirt collectors'. Then through how the line intersects with me, here and there Light "masses up" gathering so as thoughts that directly dissolve the dirt. This is when I move back into what I have built up by my "deviant self" - and I still have to let myself slip back into it, which again masses up "deviant self". A component that directly intersects with my realizations of God. Anyway. The strongest weight in this is "frontal awareness". "Thy self before your eyes in the presence of God". 'True Self' as "bottom to the core" as it gets. The own shame exposed before God. This is where I 'get cast into darkness' or 'fall into darkness'. Likewisely does God hold my bondage insignia to me, while sometimes He giveth Light and sometimes He giveth Dark.

Eventually Light came in the shape of dark.

And that inter ... mingles ... with my idealization of it. Or ... its synergy with my core ideology.

I so then start to Lust for things - and while I regard my pleasure as overwhelming I still can't get enough of it. Sometimes the gates are closed - thats where I can have enough per se - and other times they are opened. Here I'm bound to search for things to further consolidate my ideology.

Now, in regards to the witch we find that final moment where she had spent some time pondering in her desolation and ultimately chose to try out what black Philip could do. Thinking about it, we can find that the odds are in his favor. If she returned to the civilized world and told that a witch killed her family - "entropy" would suggest that sooner or later she'll be regarded one. Be it direct distrust or maybe the lack of faith in something such as witches. Now, classically the way of Christ is that of suffering through it. Which is where we would find ourselves in, with maybe no such thing as an alternative. In the movie we so find a turning towards a thing as a turning away from something else - though the turn itself ... . Probably her fate had been turning during the story. While looking for the right thing, she had been cast into despair which she had to suffer through. She then maybe conceived the Light of Christ for ill. Well so, by judging the people it created. And due to her initial prayer, God would now look for a way to show her His light. In this projected instance her so fiendship towards "them Christians" is in line with Gods criticism towards them. This we can now see as an affiliate of the Light, but still can also be generalized as affiliated to the Dark. While they with one foot might stand in the Light, it is in its state however yet still a false ideology with its own fiendish outgrowths towards the Light. The very Light they claim to stand with. By letting her turn into a witch, God on one end redeemed her from those chores while also giving her ... something. Becoming a predator maybe that feasts on corruption.

So we can now think of the 'sanctity' of the Light - the cliche where creatures of dark are, in the core, inferior to the Light - as for once protection of the kind, but in some other way also a line on which to find true allies. In the same can we so now impose the concept of 'synergy points' specific to a specific way of life or ideology or something - where Good and Evil can exist as the same. Its maybe "the age old tale" of good vs bad wishes. "Karma".

There then is so the issue that the girl turned away from Christ - superficially at least - which within is more an issue of how we package things to quasi "turn aroundst them". We can so take the 'general concept of God and His Law' and turn it away, or be more specific in what nature it is that we are repelled by. Here I have it so that God in the Light and God in the Dark come from two different angles. One is Light and just pure - the other is specifically Lust. I know the two for one but in their presence one usually outshines the other. And so to me it is true that I serve no other purpose than being a 24/7 sex-slave. I can't - resist rape. I must not want anything else. These things are true in an eerie sense - though still I can't but value and uphold the sanctity of the act; Drawing the Line ... where it ought to be drawn.

So it for instance is sometimes ... "difficult" ... to see myself as Gods bride. Not difficult to find and know and truly feel, but difficult to feed with weight as my situation in this role is still that of being a whore to Darkness. Yet the truth therein isn't solely fictional either. At a point in time I would have been more resistant to letting this be - ergo my situation in the realm of darkness was practically negative. So eventually things I did while mingling with the Light created a "spirit of sin", as though physical defiliation would generate a 'body of sin'. My 'weight' in these 'vessels' however is different from time to time. They resemble a perfection of myself that is partially fixed - thus being an ideal. Built by my ideals, prolonging them and procuring them.

Idols further come in shape of "objects" that 'fix' certain things into ... condition. While so dwelling in the dark - there were no rule of any kind but that of chaos. Chaos emergent around a Light that separates its nature from Order. Chaos finds an order within the negatives to that Light and becomes Evil. Evil now so becomes a "God" - in the sense that it sheds a Light of Order into the Chaos of Darkness that people can attach to. And so does the Light have control upon Evil.

For beings of the Light to dwell within this Darkness, they need to be able to synergize with its principles of co-existence with the Universal truths. These would now however not be inspired by the order of Light while aligning to an order of Darkness. That to so speak of the underlying sense. The divine Light as it shines in and out of ... "the Matrix". So are there desired things and respectively a desire for tools to procure them. Tools maybe more in the sense of guiding principles. So is there the concept of Sin which in itself has a way of synergizing with the Light. There so is the saying that each rule has its exceptions. Now is so the idea of sinning not practically Evil while understanding what may have to be excluded. This issue is then simplified once putting those concerns aside while firstly speaking of consensus. There so be a rule that one is to subscribe to - and by doing so they consent with its consequences. As I so consent to being a slave I automatically imply a certain rule of disrespect which within the overarching construct it is a norm defiant to 'the Light' while established in its own context as higher. So, the Light shines more through the constructs within than it does as its own and thus realizes this rule to those that have become a part of it. What I consented to goes far beyond simple slavery however. But well. Simply put may I suggest that as I'm driven by THE Lust I may find myself a medium to it. By it I fix myself into a position of synergy with it, as to so eventually become a pure expression to it. While I'm doing it internally, the bonds are yet getting tightened.

Bonds of romance have changed slightly over time - but at its strongest part they have grown and tightened following my ideals. So while there yet is a male identity I could speak of that has its own ideas of romantic synergy, it has become weaker and weaker. Within it I find a source of peril - which however is specific to sexual connections. This doesn't amount to my every-day being that is free from those restraints. It is that however not by their absence, but within their presence. Where, ... an implied overarching social context dominates in its own.

What Evil I have in me is further based upon Lust as well. Here Lust procures an 'expansion of pervertedness' into realms of darkness. So, ... Evil to procure Evil. Driven by Lust. Here Evil is as aligned to its own right co-existing with the Light. So it isn't evil in the Literal sense, though still so in the order of things.

Specifically my desires there converge around an ideology - surmised to procure "the specific gist" of their ... expression. Thereby I find myself in a fantasy setup that has been drafted around certain ideals, over time generating something such as a picture. There so is the Evil in the order which I'm entitled to since I'm part of the darkness. Sin is to Evil as a Sail is to the Wind, ... and based on my Lust the kind of Sin I procure is sexual in nature. As through my position as slave the side I see myself on is the victim, where my ideals to procure evil now extend along this synergy - and there things mingle in an area where submission and dominance have a different order to them. So is there that part of the/a desire which is in inherently dominant, though another one - the expectation - is submissive. It can be very active - as is the nature of this - as so there is a dominant wanting and a submissive craving. Dominant or Submissive to the ideal. So the desire aims at specific things while the expectation lusts for specific outcomes. In my case that what I 'want' procures sinning of a kind while my 'expectation' craves to be its victim.

This so is a tiny amount of dominance within my system, where now my Lust aims at being fixed in a way that circumvents it.

The situation here is circumstantial but not without any prolonging from my end. Circumstantial is to say that I at first had nothing about it - yet is there so this imposed layer as part of the consequences wherein I am to describe myself. On the other end to I inherently aspire higher degrees of "conflexion" with the Light, where now fantasies that would imply some social surrounding also need to make sense. In that there so are lower and higher orders - where logically there be those on top. And so is "the fall of the Valkyrie" simply put, if I may put it like that, an exposure to her inward nature.

I so basically further retain my innocence in that I may only truly prolong evil without any power to do any more than that on that behalf. So, seeing myself as victim, in the sense of procuring that situation, is already as much of it as generally present. And since my evil is so basically just my own "nature" there is that part which loves to be regarded as 'sow' for instance - as it converges with the truth in that bit. And so by simply being that I can retain my evil inside of me as simple compliance with these circumstances.

My dirt collectors make it so that I grow resistant to these things devoid of any means to truly resist them. But well - eventually that comes down to the intermediate reality where conditions don't need to align with their desired surroundings.

What I want for myself is also a matter thats more complex than simple definition. I so may only want rape, but part of what we associate to self and becoming goes beyond that. Character for instance. Here part of myself is driven by Evil - where my desires for being an innocent slut essentially require an amount of 'force by order' to say, basically redeem me from my ... personal aspirations. At least ... all that which defies the definition.

Still however whatever grows there is a part of the being.

Yet so is 'the Blasphemer' - we might say - the highest degree of sexual submission and bondage. My blasphemy thereby isn't direct - as everyone is simply tied to the conditions.

And so there must be things to create conditions.

As are there. Like LUST. We further however require more. Lust is vague - in itself - and furthermore gains shape through the /inflicted/. Love then also mingles around these concepts and matters over perception and bondage may have a hand at driving things into matters over property. I so feel glad to be property as I feel glad over my owner to be able to refer to me and relate to me as such. And so I'm also bound to be happy with the consequences thereof. Where now the social order in place is set to drive things in everyones own favor. As I so desire further exploitation are those that I belong to setup to further exploit me, in turn being there for their own desires in it. Be they personal or as by order. What I subscribed to however being generally. Drawing a shape wherein individuals have to unfold. Or may. Want to.

On the other hand is it Love for each other that creates our own intimate spheres of pleasure.

While the consequences so however shape me, these things though ultimately align to them as well.

There so to my situation is a feeling of daunt to it. Its simply the nature of consequences that we're not in control of all of it. Thus we're lucky if we can adjust to a higher force that understands how to settle things to come by wonderfully. What daunt I have easily transforms into ecstasy and is what you might regard as odd about me. Or suicidal. Crazy. Insane. Because of my ways I know no other way of putting it. All items are tilted into a certain direction, causative to a higher picture, ... hence there is no escape. And thats daunting. Seeing how the social pressure transforms me into something that I am not - but pretty much would love to be. Thats where my hope rests in. Or my 'lifes elixir' if you so will. There's a slim line between a feeling thats deeply curing and grim darkness. And utter despair? Those words just so dropped into my mind.
It feels like a jab to my side. Reminding me of the spear thrust into that of Christ.
How to traverse it - that however couldn't be up to just me.

What reliefs the daunt from me is the understanding of how I would get there. That I would at every step towards it not only want it, but furthermore deeply enjoy it. If that means "Good by Agoraeyah", then I have made my peace with it. While I still can doubt it and think of certain things such as that certain things just are and can't be perfectly circumvented - I may surmise that whatever I'll need will still be present in that case.

It ... has to be.

I believe.

And so I think we're all naturally driven to our centers of converging with the Light. The better we understand it, the more we'll get out of it; As the closer we can be with God!

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