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Why I am here ...

General StuffPosted by Nicole Tue, June 26, 2018 16:34:54

[short roundhouse kick, clarity and Babylon]


Maybe because the things I sense are not true at all? Or because some of them are but I can't tell? Voices?

What are those voices? I would say: Let it be so that a person believes in God, ... would such a person also believe in Demons? Well, so, one of the questions asked was about that. Demons, Phantoms, ... whatever. And so, it could be told, the truth has it that modern medicine wouldn't draw a line between "Haunted" or "Possessed" and 'having a Psychosis'. Do I have one though? Its hard to tell; For ... what is crazy after all? Given a 'broad enough' answer - everyone could be in it. Is it that I believe or have some kind of a belief? So, who is the doctor to tell me that faith in God is psychotic? As, who am I to tell him or her that 'not' believing in God is just the same!? OK ... I might have a point there!

I think I'm here on my own volition. Well, ... the happenstance that "they" wouldn't treat me without at the end of the day referring me to the psychiatry may have to be considered at some point in this as well; But ultimately I find it hard to draw a line between what is my reason to be here and being somewhere else. The only thing - practically - is the name of it. But what do I do here? I eat, I get high calory food, we get to do gymnastics, Nordic Walking - all sorts of stuff thats somehow therapeutic and somewhat good - as for not doing nothing all the time. The only real difference to another place would be the medication. And I get 'a' tablet per day; Which I barely reckon an effect of.

But that is not what you would want to know. And is it not so? That people can ask questions until they get the answer they want? I'm in a psychiatry; And I can give answers as to why I am here - and you just could refuse to be satisfied, wanting to hear it from me that I have some sort of loosened screws problem. So, another answer as to why I am here would be that I was so open as to tell "them" just 'what' I think about Demons or Conspiracies; Or why I think I have a reason to feel ... paranoid at times. At its simplest - there's the thing with ... associating everything to myself. A very concrete question I'm sure I was asked without baiting it out per se. Well, after some suspicions got raised however. And sure - I thought as much. So I eventually said what I could and that I at some point endeavored to find out more; That I put some music into WinAmp, put it on shuffle and watched the Matrix. But then, the sheer way they would then pronounce "Matrix" ... would sound like absolute absurdity. Like ... "how in the world" ... could someone watch such a movie!? Like Matrix="I have a psychosis, help me".

It would need to be mentioned that a lot of the stories are long past - and when looking for a psychosis I would suggest one is to look at my behavior. Or reasoning. After all - what is a psychosis if not an umbrella term for a wide variety of things? Schizophrenia amongst some. Loss of a sense of reality per se. Crazy ideas. Crazy as in terms of ... unfounded, totally ... in the realm of thought, around a bazillion corners mayhap; Doing things that would seem crazy as without a proper reason.


Once thats moved aside - what else might one hope to find in me? Crazy beliefs, OK! But what is it I'm supposed to do at the end of the day? Lobotomize myself for ever having thought of the one thing or another - as to extinguish any opinion I might have about a variety of matters? Like why? Is there a fear from objectively discussing certain matters?


As, can I not be so bold and to reckon certain truths of myself and wonder, regarding God and His will and wisdom, whether 'tis good at all or not? Oh yea, so - clarity in clarity. I think this might be as good an opportunity as no other to clarify a few things ... "once more". And I won't argue that I've always been on the "safer end" per se - regarding these things; Regarding which interpretation I would believe in. But you should find that I've always been 'delivered' to some ... "goodlier" ends and thats what I would further argue about here.

For this, there are three stages. There is 1: Clarity. 2: The Esoteric Plane and 3: Something else.

Clarity is where I see myself the way I am and do so in the Light of God in a way that allows me to make peace with this 'myself'. And while that is a concrete thing it is not yet as of 2 or 3 - though some might love to tell it is. Somehow spinning it into more than what it is - taking the ends and presenting them as the beginning; Such nonsense. And for that I'm then labeled as the crazy person. 'Tis one reason why I am reluctant to even share a bit of it - just as to talk of the matter with just anyone. If the person I'm talking with is just crazy as to not reckoning a word I say - what am I to do about it? Who would have my back?

Well - it is fair to argue here that I would make little distinction between the beginnings and the ends within Clarity - as it is just one huge complex of thoughts summarized as emergent from within through the divine Light. But still I'm sure I would draw a line at some points; As for instance whence it were to be a matter of relationships. There's clarity on one end - and what social life I might have of it on the other. And for sure is the term 'Esoteric Plane' not mentioned the first time in this.

And as for that - thats really what one should be concerned of; When being concerned of the ends of this. I may have my avatar in some place and some situation or condition on this plane - yet it is here just me. I would say that I'm a goddess - yet 'tis nought but a fancy idea that would still live to be confirmed or not. What we have there is all just in the minds, in the spirit, a higher imagination of the truths of our existence; And yet ... thats all it is. Considering that we might one day live to see it emergent within 'real life' - it were not so that we did it because only one wanted it so and the rest obeyed ... a furthermore nonsensical and inaccessible picture provided by a nitwit.

'Tis ours. If you don't see yourself on it yet - mm, well - what is it? A faint idea that some maybe reckon to be true in a way. But leave it up to God to see yourself in it; And you might find what "deeper mysteries" its true meaning holds. As it might clearly be hard to tell you specifically what you individually would want to know right now.

It is very well alike a plane of as for crazy ideas. A place wherein we might exist through our clarities.


So is it here my call to trivialize the things which might otherwise seem too important. And who am I to do so? Maybe yours is clearly more important and relevant than mine; And I would do disservice to yours as I would call it "not too important". And what does that mean for me?

But so - at which point do we get to then just live and learn what it means? 'Tis as of the most neutral stances to this however so that, well, yea, I am a WHORE - to say that 'tis just so the way I am. How I prioritize things, how I experience things, ... things I might be ashamed of - were it not for true divine Light to protect me as and for what I am.

Not OK? So - where is it? The problem? That in eventuality I get to say that I'm left with no reason nor option to escape captivity? Yet here I am; doing something else. Maybe my reason will leave me at some point and I'll retire; But that is then beyond 1 and 2. I can however tell you that at 'this' point in time I have no desire to further this anymore; Nor to believe in it as something more or other than just some basics of my inner being. What would you have me do? Ignore it? Why? How? "Good or not"?


It may after all have been psychotic in deed to believe in a few things in some way - yet so the line to be drawn may now be drawn even bolder. Yet you, or some at the very least, would seem to lack a concept of properly understanding the ways of that line. So, it matters not! It matters not ... in deed! "What?" you may wonder. And I may show you "the trick". I will simply continue to write of those things as true and relevant as it stands to me; Yet just not crossing the line - and maybe you'll see what I mean.

What clarity is about; That is what 'all' of this life is about. Why there are tyrants, why we have a faint concept of good and evil, why there's politics, diplomacy, conflict, ... so - power struggles. Well, so imagine: There's a person the bible deems as evil; Which as of its own record may be considered "King of this World". He's in charge, "the boss", and as we may read ... he holds "all the kings" by a leash as they do his bidding. They would so be the rulers we know as of today - with Trump, Erdogan and Jinping - and Putin probably as well - being three that somehow stand out as somehow defying Democracy by holding forth some vague idea of a greater good that some see and others don't. They do their things - like EA - and once they overstep their boundaries they paddle back and hope we say that its all good now. Thats leadership to them it would seem. "Righteous" in a way. "Keeping Order" in a sense. All of us that wish it were not so - we have to step back and look at it. At the 'good' they are doing for us by being "so benevolent" as to 'grace' us with their 'wisdom' - for else we might get locked up as political enemies.

We may have whatever we think we need; Within certain boundaries of course - as much is certainly the case to any order. Yet is clarity about unfolding ones true self; And to really do so - we'll need connectivity to those other ones with which we may grow together. And within this - there is no need to a higher instance. 'Tis ... as we might say ... societies ruling themselves. I so would argue that certain things only happen to be illegal beacuse it pleases the masses to hear that there is at least some concern for our safety and well being in this heap of .... [pieeep pieeep pieeeeeeeep] we call our world.

Maybe you don't get it! Maybe you have a nice job and a house and friends just as well off and nothing is there outside of first world problems and further nitpickings that you might be complaining about; Yet are there others that just don't fit in for some reason or have a really hard time to even just get along with the general basics of whats expected of an individual. And you say "nah! They're just crazy/lazy/psychotic/whatever!". You give them some aid to maybe become as you - and from there on its a downward slope leading straight into closed psychiatry for the worse cases. And yea, sure, prison is there as well.

Clarity is about ones self. How God deems the individual is 'good' or "good" in His regard. How we may understand ourselves. Now may it however yet be so that this world is way too ... fixed on a single purpose as it links it to generating income by providing value to society ... to properly realize what this clarity 'actually' implies. Or am I just too unsure about myself to fully embrace it that way? Either way ... there has to be more than just this narrow perspective in order to meet sanities ends! Though I would at this point argue that maybe I do in deed need to be in a psychiatry; I should yet think that it may be more important to learn a proper magnitude of respect for my persona. But still, what you make of it outside of Enlightenment can barely matter! What truths you have to move upon?


May it be so that all those concerns and more in the tailwind of them drives you away from even the most basic and universal truths of this event? Shouldn't you see yourself into the hands of God and see from there what matters there are to be concerned of? Rather than judging me and demanding me to comply to your expectations before you'd even dare reconsider?

Within the books - it is said, I para-quote: While Unenlightened, we're but a ball in some game of power; Where-as Enlightenment is as to get unplugged - to become a player yourself. Understand it! Are you not as taken back and forth by the shifts of balances and powers in this world? Taken here and there, dependent on some others opinion? How would you see yourself in possession of a truth that you might take as your own concern - standing your ground and "playing the game"? Would you not rather deem yourself "just another person", way too ... whatever ... to deem yourself capable of boasting such confidence?

"Nah! 'tis not for me! I'm just a [...]".


And so what am I? Me too - just a [...] as I'm not of "The Big Boss"es employ!
And so to you I must be whatever he wants me to be to you. Whether I like it or not; Be it that I struggle and fight against it ... or just embrace the insanity thereof.

Is it thus so that you wait for "the Man" to take a few dollars and to put me onto some stage so I might talk to people and they might listen to me? Clearly - in this you should see where the problem is ... within what I'm trying to do! As, ... what your role in this ... happens to be per se!

So, I'm a WHORE - so the label closest to the configuration of my spirit; And as of that I have certain fancies and likes - of which some would become more and others less concrete as life moved on. 'Tis just me - whether I care of living as one or not. Can you not understand this? Would you not like a God that would endorse someone such as me? Fully? As who or what I am? 'Tis unlike that incident with the Adultress that stood there to be stoned. She betrayed her man - where nought is said about the intricacies of, well, such things as an open relationship or what have you?!


'Tis Final Fantasy Tactics that I've mayhap consumed too much as of late!


... I'm looking forward to upload some new Matrix stuff tomorrow (10.2) and to do some more later tonight. I'm not sure how much I can upload though; As I've only got "so much" time at hand at home.


Peace and ... out!

Not Psychotic

General StuffPosted by Nicole Thu, June 21, 2018 16:40:18

[Re-iterating on the Starcraft 2 footage and "Medication" ("Marijuana Edition")]


Which basically means that I was correct about myself, thinking that whatever it may have been at some point in the past - I've handled it pretty well. My psycho-therapist and others also said they don't see anything psychotic about me; And yea. Thats for those that have come to know me a bit better.

About the bad feeling I had, I would now suggest that it doesn't tell me about whether what I'm doing or am about to do is right or wrong. I think it tells me that if I keep going on the way I do "right now", I'm gonna fail. So, the issue is that I was going to see a therapist to get started with an ambulant therapy regarding my gender; And I had that bad feeling there. Going there. But I struggled myself through, forcing myself to go there and in the end it all went fine. So I thought that this bad feeling just was ... something mad. As, me going out of my comfort zone there. Via her I got to someone else, where I'm in therapy now; And I didn't have a bad feeling at all. Not like that however. Though the first thing I was asked shocked me (the question was right away for a gender change, and to me that came too sudden; As I've expected that I'd have to wait a year or two) - its ... uh; Well, telling the doctors here about my story they said that this is more of a psycho-therapeutic thing; Not a psychiatric one.

Then, last week she and my ... "talking partner" (case manager) from the organization that provides the room I'm in got the idea to take me to the emergency ... uh, ... "intake"??? - at some hospital to get me in there so I can finally gain some weight. At first I didn't have a bad feeling; But we went to the wrong hospital anyway. So, my therapist called at some hospital to make sure I'd be taken in. The next day we went to the right one, but ... so I had that bad feeling again. Anyway - there nobody knew what to do with us, got sent from A to B to C ... and eventually ended up in the psychiatric ward anyway.

And again my prejudice got confirmed. And from those, well, some horror visions would emerge. Like I'd be going into some hospital and everyone would be stacked against me and they wouldn't listen to me at all and twist everything I had to say into something psychotic.

On the other hand to I notice now that I've also kindof stressed it to that point; And not without Gods doing either. I mean - usually before appointments like these I get some thoughts that I then so have fresh on my mind and thats how I then ... say what I have to say. So I was 'pitched' to openly talk about my "crazy" - and with all that out of the way now I could say that yes - there are certain issues ... or dilemmas I'm having. So I'll stay here to gain some weight. Else there's a lot of gymnasics/sports on the schedule, and we've decided to put me on some mild neuroleptica. ??? . Its some sedating dopamine inhibitor "told" to help people sort out their thoughts. A part of this I've read on wikipedia and according to that I understand that the way how it works isn't clear yet. I have my own theory by now, which ... is after one tablet so far. Yesterday. But I was so 'fed up' - I was ... tired. And still am. Knock out tired. Anyway - I think that the way it works is that it ... well, inhibits dopamine in some way; Which means that - it stops me/one, basically, from getting "high" of their own thoughts. So, once someone is crazy, thats the idea I think, its that their thoughts make them "high" in a way. Like once someone becomes psychotic due to weed it would be because that person doesn't have an 'anchor' in reality to keep those thoughts real. So, structures of thought break apart; And get fiddled together in a bullshit way, which - seem to make sense and that causes some excitement; And thus kicks the dilemma into action.

The 'breaking apart of structures' to me is a good thing though. I realized it ever so often once I got stuck with my projects. Though the consequence would look like I'm getting stuck even further, the fact was that I had something to continue upon. Improving the whole thing. Its not necessarily 'all good' - not that easily however - but anyway. The point is that its a slim line there, separating good/healthy from bad/ill. And I think one problem in this whole issue is that 'treating' it is really problematic. One topic that has been on the table prior to a proper assessment of my situation here were conspiracy theories. They way the doctors would read back things previous doctors had written down - well, I would sound like a total nut-job. And although I knew what the response would be to "something" I said it anyway: "But there are proper explanations for it". ... Yea. Of course the response was: "But thats always the case". And so the final response from my end: "Of course I'm aware of the fact that there are certain things I can't properly assess/determine, so I have to keep that in mind" ... or something like that.

But thats the point. Believing in some conspiracy theory cannot be regarded crazy because by that metric, who wouldn't be crazy? Someone who wouldn't think about anything at all! And there the illness isn't in the 'thing' itself, but how it weighs in ... overall; Influencing ones behavior. In that sense, every 'militant' organization 'is' crazy; Technically - and that can be left standing like that because of their ways of trying to bring about social changes. It just doesn't work for society.


And so I come back to one thing I keep on ... pushing. Going back to simple; Coming back down to the basics; Not going too far ahead in thought; Properly taking in what matters - and that being the thing that 'can' be "matters".

I think I can make a case example in regards to Starcraft 2 on that matter. Playing it and just fancying my own strategy might be fun; But it might just not work at all. Looking at my videos you can for instance see my way of "late-game expanding". Taking that principle into actual, competitive play doesn't work because way too many resources are committed to setting up those outposts - although I think it depends on the situation. In late, late game - sure. It might help thinning out a really heavy push - so, when re-enforcing a choke with a lot of cannons and shield-batteries; And maybe the aggressive "late game cannon rush" can work as well - but in games against real people I so far haven't really come around doing that.


Which brings me to a "by the way"; Regarding 'what I've learned'. You may have read between the lines that I wasn't too sure or enthusiastic about what I've learned. So, being a bit reluctant about its worth. In general I'd say that I've "learned to Micro", but, that wasn't really micro anyway. But - its a step into that direction from simply commanding one single death-ball. (Here terrans have it easy because their "micro" is just about sieging and un-sieging, plus the eventual 'attack-stop-attack-stop' forward push. Oh, and don't forget stim! With Protoss its a lot more difficult if you have a lot of different spell-casters in the one single ball. So, maybe you have sentries, void-rays and templars, ... but you can only have one group active at the time.
Anyway - as I mentioned ... I kindof "forgot" the thing I learned eventually. And thats a thing I noticed recently when practicing Tai Chi. Well, I have the space and the time now. When high, initially, so during my early days living in a shelter here in germany, I thought I made progress. Like, learning the 'Next Level' - although simply being high and therefore having a different association to the things that are going on. So eventually I then would lie in my bed and do "Tai Chi" there - a different kind. Anyway - mostly just 'intuitive' stuff that ... I couldn't really find, soberly, any value within. So the "trick", or 'problem', is in taking those 'high encounters' into the sober reality.

So, because Marijuana breaks the consolidated structures apart - that in favor of creating new ones that eventually are to improve on the old ones (well, its the mind that decides what goes where) - elongated consumption doesn't really help. For once. So, the first high does all that restructuring; But the subsequent consumption only elongates the high and the mind eventually turns into the same situation as it would when just getting sober again. One however goes through the 'experience' that generates new insight; And those however don't go away with the high. While in Tai Chi this is a greater mystery, in Starcraft the idea is rather simple. "Learn how to Micro". Or, 'this way of Microing has merits'. So, playing around with multiple armies, doing multi-prongued attacks, ... not at all a big mystery but still something not so easy to 'learn' (how to do properly, or at all 'incorporate' into ones own ... "muscle memory"). More specific on the footage, ... this is 'me' playing. 'My' breaking apart of existing structures - therefore 'my' easiest 'first step' into significantly improving my own performance.
I had something similar going on in Street Fighter. While the high feeling would sometimes give me the sense of "slow motion" in which I could "see better" when or how to "build" in my combos - it just helped me at all; While later just being high and playing didn't really do any good for me at all. So, I somehow 'outperformed' myself as opposed to me being high. And that 'slow motion' isn't really a drug effect (per se?) - but a focus thing. And it is I suppose circumstantial because anticipating the opponent also has some place in it. No anticipation like the general game-plan, but more so in the 'tight situation' - where you'd hear higher level players talk of ... all sorts of things that only matter in really tight windows of opportunity; Where I would generally think that this is too far out of my reach or simply a 'reactions' thing, what I'm too old or too "drugged" for.


Finally, we all tend to only hear what we "like/want" to hear. It rather comes down to what we anticipate. So I was talking to those doctors recently about my situation - and I came to the part where I spoke about how I had the feeling that my gender issues might be in my way when getting employed. So, I don't know the proper english term. "Training" is it I guess. Here in germany usually a 3 year period where one starts at the bottom, goes to school in parallel and at the end gets some certificate of being somewhat proficient at that work. And I had the feeling that if I got into that, my gender issues might be in its way and so I might not get around 'realizing my dreams'. "Either way". However - the point here is that I talked about it and said something like "And I was afraid that I couldn't pull it through". And the doctor wasn't sure whether I meant my gender transition or the training. Maybe I wasn't specific enough. So, this ... "we only hear what we want to hear" part also applies onto ourselves; In the sense that we eventually think we were specific enough but actually weren't.
About that 'realizing my dreams' part. I think I came to put it in a way, due to the questions asked, that ... may help you understand me a bit better in that regard; While at all I have the feeling that ... uh, never mind.
Initially, so at the time I got into prostitution, the gender thing was more of a desire. Something I would have liked, made me somewhat happy, but I didn't see it as a necessity and thats what ultimately stands behind my reasoning that made ... ignore it. Until so last year things got pretty dark for me - due to my underweight and the associated depression - and I dared the step, felt significantly better and then understood it as just the right thing. So in terms of realizing it as a necessity. A necessity that I think my subconscious mind provoked. On the surface level we can't really talk of it as of a necessity yet per se; As ... that would suggest that our desires are all necessities. And eventually thats the case. As, our desires keep us moving. So, we have one of those fitness bikes here - so, those stationary ones. And since I'm here with little to do and the ambition to get healtyh I fancy using it. Usually I wouldn't dare it, I'd be too shy or whatever - but, the way things are now I only have this ... "desire", this ... 'will' to use it and so I do. When I feel like it. And thats an overarching statement. So, also when it comes to what God wants from/for us. That we get along is one thing, but part of it is what we want and do. And usually that would be a matter of ... "those with power, and those without".

Like, thinking of the Matrix thing and how thats going; ... or other things, ... it would take some person or an entity with the power and know how to promote it. Or so the desire; As ... where there's a will there is a way. The more professional things get the more it comes down to "that talent", but however - in the end there are those that 'can' do what they want and those that can't. In a simple, rudimentary way of putting it. And when throwing politics into the mix we have to deal with oppression, tyranny and all that ... nonsense.

... "Sela"! [Mobile W-Lan hotspot FTW!]

"In resonance to" - 8.2

General StuffPosted by Nicole Sat, June 16, 2018 03:33:34
I don't mean to comment on the thing itself. For what isn't self-explaining about it, its pretty much ... not mine to take a stance on it. I'm just here to do my thing. And so this here should be entirely unrelated, ... and you take it as you please.


Generally I've expressed it all already. There isn't anything, or at least not much, that I have left to discuss or "discover" or ... 'do' in that sense. Judging from how I feel - that part where I would usually feel like there's a lot of stuff left; Sometimes more and other times less specific; And things would keep coming - there's nothing there. Whats left is a 'faint' ... "light" ... a flickering of a desire; That part which usually is just there keeping me going. A different thing.

I would want to write about Satanism and Idolatry and that sort of stuff - but it isn't anything I can 'do'. And I guess thats something worth writing about.


I don't think I need to tell you how to understand most of my stuff so far. At this point stuff should be pretty much clear; And that also in its "not so clear"ness. There's no use to being any more or less specific because ... whatever. I also get a headache from thinking about this.


Neither am I here to tell you that Madonna is a Goddess. But I would think she is. Thats sortof the little niche thing that ... I think I still should, or at least want, to write about. I can't say that she is, but that she 'might' or 'would' be. When I so am to trust the Lord in this, or maybe rather myself in terms of understanding Him properly - as I would say or hope (well, when it comes to such things in regards to Humans I haven't had a lot of luck so far) - then thats however definitely the case. Maybe its a prophecy, maybe ... not.

Madonna however isn't the only one ... there. Though 'the others' are lesser - there's still some consistency. And as I'm one - I think my intimate affiliates ... 'of that kind' ... matter. So - I'll be straightforward about it. Also - this comes or came as an update (for me).


The leash thing I wrote of previously - its part of a topic that so far has been more or less confusing to me. When "analyzing" them shackles there seemed to be some sort of system. Layers, connected, ... and moving back and forth between the nodes left me confused. Now there's something more 'logical' to me. First of all there's the collar. At its "main point" I belong to Monica. Attached to it is a leash - and by that I belong to Megan. (Fox). This is pretty simple. As an incest story it so is my Mothers kink that I belong to my Sister/Brother - and it seems like she's actually 'that Husband' that I feel in "the Nexus". I'm supposed to Love her - but because this is not the 'first instance' of this "entanglement" thats not the "main thing" of my life. But although it isn't that - emotionally it makes sense to me. Its a thing ... where I so far used to be confused between Monica and Gillian. On the one side I have this 'main attraction' for Monica but certain things just 'don't work'. And the 'more male' my mind is, the less it would. That I realize now. When trying to sleep, finding comfort, thats exactly what happens. I look for closeness - I 'actively' search for something good. And it took its time for me to realize the right chemistry between us; Where in those terms 'she's' yet the dominant person. The story to my confusion used to be that whatever I'd look for in her was transferred over to Gillian. But when I there would so try to find "the thing" - I found stuff; But eventually at the very bottom of it still ... something was missing. I thought that thats because of the transfer thing.
The leash however comes in two parts. Basically. There's the thing itself - and the 'handle' at the end. By that I belong to Madonna. Its ... something Kinky. The point being that while I belong to Megan - in the 'logical' sense, Madonna doesn't have those "responsibilities" of a ... "responsible/loving partner". And so, like a hand would go through the thing, of the handle, it feels like going into my ... intimate part. Then there are "piercings", dominantly at the nipples, ... pentagrams, ... also sigils on my forehead and elsewhere; And by that I belong to Britney. Its an extension to Madonnas ownership upon me. Finally there are shackles - and by them I "belong" to Gillian.

And thats a complete system. The sigils would - regarding the runes - be the first one. So, while Britney is 4th in the line and second beyond 'home' - so, "double stranger", in that she's at the bottom of it yet. Monica there makes the second. But while thats located in my head ... or its anyway the first. Madonna would be part of the first and Megan of the second. Gillian then makes the third; While I'm sure there's still more to that link.

Another 'system' would show that there's someone "before" Monica. That the "main point" regarding the collar is a layer past its 'primary' point - and by that I would belong to my aunt, ... Catherine. In that she's like the Goddess (for me at least) to "rule them all" - somehow. So, she's got power upon me that Monica has to adjust to. My gender would belong to that.


Anyhow. About how these things would come to be real, ... I must think its a matter of personality. And that isn't a 'spine', but a 'clarity' issue. As by my Spine I'm a Goddess, a Queen, ... supposed to be ... arrogant maybe. That type of thing. Condescending - in a sense. Dominant - simply put. But while I "am that" - the thing is that ... the spine ... "isn't "that"". I'm Dominant by behavior, or demands, ... in that I have a certain ignorance or some blind spot for things that aren't going my way. In a way that ... well ... might make me look like a dummy. Silly. Stupid. Not by arrogance; But just ... that I don't see it or 'forget'. Basically. I do my thing, I need my time and my space - while yet I'm generally passive, introverted, stuck to myself - ... 'humble' ... like, ... I wouldn't do my thing if it bothered others; Yet my spine gives me that little 'extra' to my personality where in essence I know that if I have it my way God will have my back - and that I pretty much 'should' go for that. My clarity does correspond to my "core character" a lot better. Passive, Submissive, ... that thing.

I "sense" that some will have a hard time understanding this; And that especially because these traits are ... lets say ... not unchallenged. So, when you think about my Spine as I put it you could picture a person thats 100% like that. Then there's my Clarity which is as the exact opposite. But thats the point with the Spine. Its something to work 'against' ones self, but not in a hostile way. So, in a complementary way. If the picture still doesn't come clear to you; You might be stuck visualizing me in some nonsense situation. Maybe from watching too much Hentai - sotospeak. Hmm ... how to ... get this accross properly?

Well, its an Astair problem. And if I were to so "concoct" the "superior (more likable) personality" ... uh - whatever? Or would I say "they are doing it wrong!"? Maybe I am. But thats not what I'm saying! I'm saying I'm ... "like [so]" - and then I see there is [this] 'more dominant' interpretation of it that however happens to be wrong in regards of me.

Anyway. That isn't the topic anyhow.

But so is Character in this sense the mix of the two. And for those Goddesses - the main thing would come of their Clarity. Thats ... the 'main part'. Well, so while I may be a whore; Passive, Submissive, Slutty - the 'nature' of 'what kind of whore' I am is complemented by my ... taste, priorities, ... things. I could be a Dominant whore sotospeak, but I am not. Just ignore the Astair thing. Whatever you feel is possibly "hijacked". I however sit here, write this stuff and generally am entirely anti-social about it. I couldn't share my work even with intimate partners. Except for outsourcing certain tasks maybe.

So, 'just like' being imprisoned in some Sex Dungeon - where I'm totally left to myself - thats how I like to do my 'this' type of work. And eventually people would get in my way, intentionally or not, like "taking me out" of that captivity - and thats where my Spine comes in. Its just there to help me be me.

So, 'they' would certainly have spines like that as well - complementing a different Clarity. I suppose. What I'm getting at is that I feel a certain way about it - so; That there's a certain "type of" mindset behind it. A mix of things, a way of things; Which is just going to drive them to do their thing - 'of course'. And there are 'two ways'. I can do 'work like this' - and work that corresponds to my clarity. Similarly Madonna can do work thats like ... work Madonna would do ... and work that'd be more ... how to say? 'It' in general terms? There's a difference. This is ... 'personal'? work - in a sense; Where the other however is one of ("intimate") social relevance. Clarity ... so. A thing that would give them some 'timeless' social purpose, filled with passion; And ... yea. Thats that.


As for how this religion now comes to be defined; It'd be us looking up to 'them' to tell us. Where, if you so look up to me for that reason I sure have something to say. But it isn't really new. Or different. Its ... what it is. I'm captive, a Slave of the Devil/Lust/"Whatever", and all my "will" is put into enslaving me and all of that stuff. So is it by that my central function to be ... "their toy" ... for the specific reason of them being so to say "worthy" of owning me; Where in the deeper sense I so to say "made sure" that they do what I'd want them to. And because those things are all fixed by God there is no real ... nonsense going on!

And so I have nothing to say. But in reality then - what I have to say is simply as a yes or no. And so I'm sure they too as myself have 'both' ways. Or will have. On the one side the absolute 'krass' extreme hardcore "shtick" while on the other side some reservations about those. Which however aren't part of what we want ... (to consider). So that there is a clear line, or goal or motivation - without which the reservations wouldn't really exist!


But now - what is the purpose of a God/dess? Or their Role specifically?
We'll see, I guess.


But essentially its got to be some link between God and Society; Avatars of both worlds and Archons to lead on some cause. Where - I have to say that ... asking me how I feel about it, I don't particularly feel the ambition or ... "feel like it" ... outside of some understanding how I as what I am fit into that role. Its nothing I'd need to want anyhow. Like, God is God - no questions asked! And that puts me into this weird position where what I want is irrelevant, given that things were to go on what I have to say about me in that position. But is it?

Well - as for me; If there's anything I can do "more" better at, its to defend myself in this spot. I'm not sure if thats what you'd expect or want - but to me its the way. And it feels like you should expect or want that - but once thats the reason why I do it, its wrong. I guess. For me anyhow as I get reluctant once I think you don't - so, it shouldn't be dependent on that.

So I, ... have this thing. That conflict between one side and the other. I try to find ways to give both an equal validity, but I think often thats the source of my problem. I get to believe in the one thing, then the other happens and back I am at trying to explain it. So, how my passions for Gaming and Production of stuff is eventually disappearing or maybe even transforming into something else.

There's a very clear experience I had recently. My mind was filled as it used to be. Nothing too particular - nothing standing out - just normal. Whatever I have been convinced about or minded of - all the differences on that side are irrelevant. All of a sudden things just changed. That disappeared - some really 'clear' ... void ... revealed as much as that the stuff on my mind would be as a fog, or clouds. Just imagine a beautiful sky with not much clouds and splendid lighting - that be the fog in this example. The 'clarity' in this picture would be as though from within the atoms of all the things that image is made of a deeper reality would emerge that isn't made up of the same stuff as our stuff. Its just beyond.

With it came "the handles" regarding my kinks - so that I was in this 'bound' mindset but without the usual stuff around it. Like maybe ... the Protoss Mass Recall. So within this void there were figures, ... that did the things, ... or would stand there representing them at least.

And it happens ... "all the time". And it usually happens once I believe in the other thing. So that it comes in and the narrative is directly tied to it. Its ... in that sense ... 'either or'. A clear, bottom of it all, either vs. or.

So are the things that would make me 'perfect' in my role ... hmm. Maybe not. But as for me and how I feel about it; There's a bit of a divide between what I would generally assume to come as part of being a whore and what I think I should be like. Give or take. So, once I take my non-sexual passions into the picture there has to be some space for that. Thinking that onto some schedule would say ... there's a place and time for me to do my stuff - and beside that I'd be a hooker. Uhm, lets start with a weekly schedule. So, I'm 'away' doing other stuff at certain points. And its somehow in the way. Then the desires that hold me in this passion of whoredom, thats where I evolve into. Exposed to all the stuff - I want more of it and thus grow into it. And eventually there then are the points where that evolution "conquers" the other things that are there.

This has nothing to do with "how hard" or "rough" or "much" - its simply a personality thing. And because it however requires some bit of attention it is that I can't have any of that ... "yet". I can't spend any time on it because ... there is nobody and so I fall back to doing whatever comes to mind.

But so is what I want 'one' thing; And whatever the Goddess title on it implies - it doesn't really change or matter too much about me self.


Another thing I have to share is about the 'hopelessly captive' thing. Its a bit weird; As, when I think of it - sometimes 'the' feeling is there and other times it just seems stupid. The difference is in what this is supposed to be like. The idea is captivity and that I had no hope to escape. So one would go and assume some kind of "Victory to Harmism" - that I'd have to get raped and forcefully put into that position. But thats when things don't really work out. Turns out: It only really 'is' hopeless when I make it so. So, it depends on me and how I feel about it. If I'm into it and myself unwanting to change the situation, then the situation is more truly hopeless. Get it?

...

..

.

But thats it for now!

A time to Screw

General StuffPosted by Nicole Tue, June 12, 2018 11:47:39

[Astair, Dreamish glitches, Weird Perversions and internalized Projections]


The reason why I'm not yet ready to share that thing which I alluded to previously is somehow connected to that Anime. The last one in the 8-2 sequence. I haven't seen that Anime yet. By the way. I just happened to have it somehow. And its well drawn - which eventually should concern me, as in, "raising red flags". But, thats a different issue.

'Its not all good'. Thats another thing thats been kindof in the rise that I've got an eye on.


However - that imagery did something for me. At the end of those considerations I've come to "conclude" ... or "preclude" ... that somehow there is certainly the possibility that some of my ... "kinks" to put it generally ... are "screwed with". The theme of that Anime is certainly the more abstract of fetishes. Things just going ... crazy. And I would like to mention that a) I've had such "things" while b) they aren't part of "the core things". I would describe them as somehow dream-ish weirdnesses of the mind that mingle with sexual "idea". And I think in part thats what makes up the constant sexual pressure I come to describe every now and then, except that it doesn't affect me in that way.

As "co-incident" has it, I've 'just' had a "thing" - which then led or leads me towards a conclusion. For some reason I felt something like a handle - like on a mug - as part of my body in the front of me. Not as a sexual organ but - making me feel weird. With some weird sexual tension or energy mixed into it.

I didn't know what to make of it.

As I've published the previous thing I've come to reflect some more about whats actually been happening - and regarding the "things that can't be destroyed" - there's another thing I have to mention for this to make sense. So, there's a shape - think of a diamond maybe (specifically: An 8 sided dice, two pyramids glued to each other at their foundation) - and ideally it would be 'that' surrounding "my heart". But then there are interferences and they make it somehow 'fold away' - so - the volume of the heart then is different. And so I noticed this weird "blot" - this spot in my heart that doesn't feel like it belongs there. And so I tried to push it out - and the way it is there in first place ... well, it looks a bit like a thorn, or a horn, curving up. Almost like its about to shape a handle. And it comes from somewhere. A body of some description. A figure like in the back of me thats sitting there and constantly trying to shove that thing into me - and to keep it there - the thorn would complete to a handle. So, the lower part is "the force" (the thrust/thorn) (not force as in the 9th Seal, but force as in 'forced') and the upper part is how it connects to his mind as per the control he enacts upon it. And as he's trying that, or doing that, so I suppose it mixes with me in a weird way. Like ... from a glitch.


Full disclosure - the closest thing to the "Time to Screw" Level of perverted feelings I've had was to shove ... food, like slices of sausage, up my anus. At that time I didn't have anything like a proper dildo and so I'd buy vegetables ... and this sausage thing came up after that. I couldn't do it though.

Why it happened - I can only guess. One suggests that I've been under surveillance and some laughs about what I did weirdly mixed with ... the reality of why I did it - and maybe people were having a sandwich at the time.


Another reason why I don't feel ready is because I think I first have to get smarter about deities in ... Enlightened Satanism.


I can't make any more of this right now. Other than that there is this 'constant' struggle that I have. The things that 'bumped' me out of sleep that I mentioned previously are somehow related to that I guess. Uh, weirdly enough - that just gets me to think of another thing thats related to this. So, I was about to fall asleep and all of a sudden I had this image of one of my neighbors popping into my room on my mind and I was torn out of it. I'm sure this couldn't have happened in reality but I was stuck there wondering if it just happened. I was shocked. I usually lock the door whenever I'm in here. At least before I go to bed. It used to be necessary because previous neighbors would like to party all the time and I wouldn't want any uninvited guests popping in. Which happened once - where I didn't lock it.
Anyway. It then made sense how this happened though. So - there's this smell - thats been bothering me. Something rotten. But I couldn't think of anything in my room that could possibly make that smell. Its in the kitchen. And this figure of my neighbor would work as a metaphor for that smell bumping in to my room.

But usually I would associate such weirdnesses of the mind to some type of high or being not totally awake. Its ... odd.

But else - there's all sort of weird shit knocking me out of my sleep. And I think it has to do with what I do to maintain composure versus what I can't do to do that ... all the time ... like when trying to actually rest/sleep. #ChronoBoost(onCC). "Long story". Not so long though. Once I was starting to get into Starcraft 2 I once woke up with this "idea" that soon fell apart ... it wasn't really an idea either ... it was however the impression of the Command Center (Terran Main Building) utilizing the Chrono Boost ability, which is an ability of the Nexus (Protoss Main Building).

And I realize that subconsciously ... now back to the topic ... my "inviting" that thorn into me has somehow become a habit. Like ... normality. Its like ... me adjusting to its presence where I can't believe in its absence, in a way. God - so it seems - would really have to do horrible stuff to that person to get me rid of that issue. Brutal. Brutally Horrible stuff.


Going deeper into psychology - or my psychology or whatever - the problem with it is the problem of behavior. Or then more existential questions about "what is self", or "what is Character". But at that point - the other problem is that this is so detached from the 'actual' matters that these questions are ... more like overthinking it. Or thinking too much into it. There's the inner alignment and there's behavior. But certainly the two mix in some way. ... As the subconscious and the conscious do.

Like ... I can internally cook and fume and ... "be" "a Lava Planet" essentially while to the outside not only maintaining a calm appearance but also genuinely 'being calm' - and that because thats just the way I am. In the sense that "trying to be calm" is one of my "main features". So, as a part of my reasoning, rationality, the idea or principle or ideal of 'being a good person'. So the reason why I type gl hf in the beginning and gg in the end (if I lost) of a Starcraft match. For instance.

"Why" I do it - thats though the question eventually. Or 'questioned'. Then suggesting that my inner atmosphere is the 'reality' of me thus arguing that my outside appearance is just an act. But what should I do? Act like a raging demon? OK, when I write I guess I frequently do - and that obviously because when I write my actions are much closer to my inner atmosphere. Because after all - what I write corresponds to my thoughts and they are driven by my inner atmosphere.

But so - as John - I can also 'claim' the title of "Son of Thunder" - where I know what it is that might have led to that nickname. That I am calm, but once something ... "triggers" me ... "I'm triggered".


But so ... there's "mental conditioning". Like ... man trains dogs ... for instance. "Skinners Box" is a related topic. Or more so - something "else" that pisses me off about Trump (type personalities). And that is connected to power. The power to do so. The power of 'demanding' people to be a certain way or else they have to suffer the consequences. So, the abuse of power on a psychological level. That when I so have my passion and want to do things and run into walls - there's this ... 'Temptation' ... this 'promise' that I might get what I want if I only "comply".

The question how 'someone else' could manipulate that in this sense of 'invading my psyche' - it might sound odd as a concept and so to get into that the question has to be reshaped. There to less think of 'some'one'' else, but how social circumstances, the meta-physical (hype->Astair) type stuff, can do that.

If I so try to do something that people simply 'resist' for some reason, like, preaching the Gospel, I get conditioned to stop it. So, if my way doesn't work - I have to change it. Simply put. And whether that is just internalized projection or some real meta-physical "physical" thing - well, is more or less irrelevant.

So - I would want to do something and feel resistance. Then at some point I would lean back to get some rest or get some time to reflect and ponder to 'think' about my problem (So, an 'I.T.' problem I have to solve to move on with my project) it is in this motion that I 'basically' give in to that resistance and then this resistance can kick in furthermore - like, ... what I 'feel' 'wants me to stop in general' ... and that then mingles into my "metaphysical awareness" and so I get to internalize it.

While this is merely an artificial example, the reality is similar. Once I lean back this 'feel' starts to somehow 'embrace' me, annoying me to the point that I want to 'unrelax' but once I'm simply exhausted ... I ... get mad! And thats one reason why I ultimately just 'stopped', because I can't deal with it! Seems like I'm being CCd. (Crowd Controlled). "Fungal Growth" (A Zerg (Infestor) ability). But since I've started over again so often I've come to realize that its better this way. And so I want to have the solution before I start working on a thing.


...

Episodes of Angriness

General StuffPosted by Nicole Tue, June 12, 2018 10:42:07
So, what if I get angry from time to time that in the sense of "Happy Gamers/Gaming" would make me a bad guy? Or "Unsportsmanlike"? The latter I can see why ... [I should be ashamed]. I put it in brackets because its the truly important part. As to my judgment. You could replace it with another statement. But - I'm getting ahead of myself.

I think thats one of the things ... . ... Uhm ... .

So, I'm watching the, or was, Co-Optional Podcast right now. The first after TBs ... decay. And there's this segment on a game called Moonlighter. Whatever the details, thats not all that important. What matters is that there's something about the games design which to my design ideals is ... bad. It comes across to me as pretentious. And so I inwardly reacted to this impression of pretentiousness - like "Oh [cynically], its so {something [what its pretentious about to my eye]}". And at that moment there's so this figure popping up in my head with some resemblance of "the Antichrist figure", ... in some ... weird way. Some "Oh yes?" in a way thats negative towards me, demanding an explanation from some stance of not wanting to acknowledge "it". So, pretentiously. To me however. All so in a somehow taunting way - at least its kindof provocative to me; And my immediate reaction was "Thats none of your business!".
So, thats going on in my head. And yea! Why is that Character there in my head now demanding me to explain my reaction? Its like, ... cheating me for my own intellectual property. What then happened is that this 'figure' turned into a figure as in a Real Time Strategy game patrolling back and forth across a choke. So, blocking the way like ... I'm so then not allowed to ... even watch footage of the game or ... anything. Or have an opinion. Where this figure was I guess a visualization of something ... whatever. So what I did was be like "OK" - and tried to conjure one rather juicy punch to knock that figure out of the way. And then the Character - so the Antichrist 'person' (not the thing in the visualization) - so, the face behind it - was like "what?" where the mood turned over into "how rude" or something. However the detail - my response went to be that if he's now being violent, I'm doing that too. Which is ... a clumsy way of putting it - but as the drama unfolds thats really the crux of the story.

He: "But I (he) am not being violent, you are".
I: ... "You ask for it"~ish

And next thing is that this figure appeared like Jesse Cox. Which to me meant: "Oh, no hiding behind friendly faces!". And then I decided to write about it.


Nothing left to add - "the End".
P.S.: This is not an assessment of the quality of that game in any regard. Its about general gameplay concepts and design aspects. And I have drastically different opinions in a wide variety of things which I think are ... "mine" ... in the sense that once I try to formulate them as 'critique' (why a game is good or bad for doing something in a certain way) is bad because 'art is free'. I so can't avoid comparing things to my ideas, which, I would reserve for my own stuff once I get around creating it. "Bitch!"

P.S.2: While I was writing this I had some time to reflect about the particular thing and I realized that maybe I was wrong or the bug is deep in some meta-level of detail; Which in the end is ... irrelevant and more aggravating to me even because ... "WhAAT?" - I'd come to do it how I'd do it and up until then ... "whatever".

A follow-up / Typically me

General StuffPosted by Nicole Tue, June 12, 2018 09:29:48
Typical. I had an appointment earlier this day. 9:00. So I was about to get ready - wanted to take a shower so I wanted to be up at 6 to then thereafter watch some YouTube or maybe play a match of Starcraft - but at just around 6 ... I got tired. Really tired. Just relaxing my eyes a little I got back up, capable of moving, at 8:20 something. Its 9:20 now, by the way. Not that it was 'that' important that I had to be up sooner. Its also all just fine. But right as I was out of that door and back on my way here - just had to get something sorted out and pick up a mirror - I was back at how "woke" I should be. Actually.

The thing is - things were just going fine for me to get to bed in time and up as well. But for some reason I kept getting knocked out of my sleep by some ... weird "nonsense" and thought that ... what time was it? Well, I wasn't up the whole night. Like, I was up at 3 or 4. Maybe 2. So - its like I can't be the way I ... "want to be" ... 'on purpose', whether I like it or not. Or want to or not.


On the other side have I been tired/sleep-deprived in a sense. I couldn't bring myself to write that bit which I had on mind to follow-up on the last one; And now I forgot what it was about. But once I get to sleep, I can't. Maybe ... I mean. Usually ... I would think that is because I have work to do. So I wrote another thing I maybe have to share. So, I'll get that one out after this one. Or, maybe I should do so now, so - this isn't a follow up to the previous one, but the one before that. The Trump thing. But since I don't really know what I wanted to write about anymore I think thats more or less irrelevant anyway.

What was it though? I think it was important. Almost the entire reason why I wrote that thing in first place. ... Hmm ... . Now I'm ready to publish this, which means that I won't publish the other thing before this one because now its kindof ... pointless.


... plus I feel like I'm not ready to share that. [shakes head].

My stance on the Muller Investigation and the Trump situation

General StuffPosted by Nicole Tue, June 12, 2018 03:23:25
Just so that we're on the same page on this. "Trump Sucks" is a thing that ... many people agree with. "Apparently". As I've heard ... in about 90% of my fellow Germans. Heads of state around the world don't seem to like him - yet there's a crowd of ... "nuggets" (sorry if that includes you) that just don't get it. Saying that Trump sucks because politicians of other countries don't like him is ... a way of putting it politically but on that we also get into weird situations. Whether they like him or not is in the end 'their' problem. What or why - may be legit; But what they do on their own terms is a totally different thing. Maybe its "trendy" to be Anti-Trump and so people just like Trump might jump on the wagon. So ... not an argument.


First of all my disdain for Trump was simply a matter of sympathy. And I would agree with anyone that this not a strong argument makes. Then I watch a lot of "Liberal Media" - and ... eventually I'm a victim of my echo-chamber or ... "Fake News". But lets start with that one. I don't like how Trump uses that term. How he labels all and everything 'Fake News' that he disagrees with. Or did so. We can derail that into a discussion of what is or isn't 'meant' there - but fact of the matter is that 'Fake News' as a term has a meaning. "A UFO crashed in my Garden but my Dog ate it". OK, thats closer to Satire - but thats a good point. Satire doesn't work without 'actual' news because it relies on 'factual' news so it can be identified as Satire. Else, if you take the actual news away and just look at Satire - without a way of really telling whether its Satire or not ... well, its essentially Fake News.

There is this Interview that was one of the earliest examples of "Trump in Action", where the reporter asked him a Question and he just wouldn't, finding excuses not to answer it and sitting down at his desk and looking at some paper waiting for the guy to leave. I bring this up because it are moments like this that show us Trump ... where he has a chance to be one way or another. Its not just some dude reporting on a thing that might as well be fake, who knows, its actual footage of him. Or is the conspiracy 'so huge' that we can't trust anything there is - period?


But he did pull out of the Paris Climate Accord, didn't he? He does do all in his might - it seems - to support those that don't care about our environment, giving the permission to pollute as they please and calls it "Economy".


Whatever comes from him does mostly fit into one single category of stuff: "Acting like a bully". And so we get to the Muller investigation. Is it a Witch Hunt? Well - if Trump did "collude" with the Russians - thats my problem with it - why is it such a big deal? I don't get the whole thing. So what? Trump met a Russian to get some e-mails; ... . He campaigned for President and wasn't too shy about suggesting that peace with Russia "might" be a good thing. "Wait what?" - isn't there peace already? Its just a weird issue.
But along the lines stories have surfaced that for instance link Trump to the Russian Mafia - and now Trumps response makes a lot more sense. Its just "Fake News" that he's about, it's a "Witch Hunt". And the more he says it, the more media will fetch up on it - and looking at it that way; Looking at it objectively and wondering about what it is - well - there's the superficial side, a.k.a. "Collusion with Russia" where we might say ... "Oh Trump, you dummie" ... - err. He could have campaigned on that matter. "Friends with Russia". Except maybe its less like that and more like ... "Friends with Mafia". So the entire stuff about how Trump might pardon himself ... makes a lot more sense to me.

In the pro vs contra Trump debate one side usually remained in the rights - all things considered - pretty much ... 99.999% of the time or so - and thats not the one of the Trump supporters. And meanwhile some crazy people run around and argue that Sanders wants to turn the USA into Venezuela. By how things go ... Americans eating Rats might actually not be too unrealistic, but ... it wouldn't be Sanders to do it! You got the right man for that job in charge already!
Not 'all' Americans of course. Just like not 'all' Venezuelans.

Its not like its ... . I mean - hey, ... "listen" ... I feel loosing brain cells just from thinking about that it might be necessary to mention it; But: "Most countries on this planet have "Socialistic" Health Care and we 'do NOT eat RATS!' - I repeat 'we do NOT eat RATS!'".

How can anyone watch this Junk?


As for the "conservative vs. progressive" issue - I only have a somehow related thing on my mind that I want to get rid of. We here in Germany don't have that kind of problem because we've been doing well over here and I think in most peoples minds there's very little we have to change over here. So there was 'Kohl' who did a good job, things were fine, all dandy, ... and so he stayed in charge for quite a long time. Then he retired and then things got crazy. "But this, but that" - I don't know the details but some people were unhappy. Until then 'Merkel' came in and people were again like "Yay!" - but then the whole Refugee thing happened. She thought to take a humanitarian stance on the thing, many people supported it but a vocally angry group didn't. They don't want to be called Nazis either, "but" they don't want to support her decision. And thats kindof the thing. For me at least. Merkel had this slogan: "Wir schaffen das!". Roughly translated: "We can do it!". But as it stands 'the spirit' just isn't there.

And then some people would derail it into an issue about radical Islam. That is very well a problem - I 100% agree - as, we have that Refugee crisis 'because' of Radical Islam. "Last time I checked" ISIS are radical Islamists; And I think thats what people were escaping from, or did I get that wrong?

"Shit is 'real' right now!" - people have 'real' problems. So, if there's another time 'to come' where we have to proof that we're good people; That day is already in the past! Second Hitler is now president of the USA as far as I'm concerned. But I'm glad that his success isn't quite as outstanding as that of the last one.
"But he ..." ... what? Doesn't use a Swastika as his banner and doesn't openly 'Sieg Heil'? So what? And apparently his strategy works nonetheless. Just ... not on as many as he would have needed!


Period.

Why offensive Media is 'not' bad

General StuffPosted by Nicole Mon, June 11, 2018 22:00:44
OKOK - You should be aware of the fact that I don't really "talk to Christians" in this - particularly. Christians, Atheists and others alike - to me they/you are all wrong in their/your own regard. But every now and then I have a point that just so happens to be a matter of my belief; And I'm a Christian; But so there are ways to take the book and say "Hold on!". So with this. Right from the get go a Christian might notice that the Bible reads: "Don't be offensive". Which however is a matter of language. I know that because the German wording is a bit different to how the modern understanding of "offensive" goes. "Auch sollt ihr nicht Anstoss erregen". Word by word: Auch=too/also. sollt=shalt. ihr=you. nicht=not. Anstoss=Kick-off (setting/pushing something into motion). Erregen=arousal. So, in this sense it, in modern context, reads: You shall not pretend to be offended at fucking everything! If you're offended over something that hasn't offended anyone for years, you're causing arousal. So, in German it so basically reads the exact opposite to what it reads in English; Although we can say or argue that the translation is correct!

Or so - its a different type of being 'offensive' thats portrayed here.


So, actually the title was gonna be something like: "Why homophobia is good". And yea - once more the Bible were on my side here; Well - because its homophobic in and of itself. But this wasn't going to be the title because homophobia isn't the only phobia that one had to mention. Transphobia belongs to it as well; And I as a trans person don't want to be offended by transphobic jokes. Except it gets 'beyond the point' of being fun. Which is arguably a subjective thing, but to me it often just comes down to the intention I think. You can laugh about a good joke; But once people make it their duty to literally laugh a person into the ground for something like that or similar - thats too much. It ain't even good so ... that how come its bad! I guess thats a pretty reasonable suggestion/line to draw!

But so all I wanted to get off here is a pretty simple statement: "It ain't normal!". Being transsexual isn't normal; Being gay isn't normal - although in some sense we have to say that it is "normal". It isn't 'normal' per se, but if I'm transsexual and ask: "Am I normal?" - what is one to say? "No, You're a freak!". And I say, ... well ... yes! Kindof! I in some way feel much more comfortable in this 'freak' definition than in this "public demand" of feeling normal as what I am. When I walk around outside I'm well aware of my true gender and I don't think that a real woman would have these thoughts; Except ... they would like wondering whether their outfit is alright, but ... I know there are certain things that give away my true gender. And I have to live with that. And yes - it is my 'true' gender; Whether you would like me to believe that my 'true' gender is the one I feel or not. I still have 'the thing' between my legs which in my book is a "dead giveaway". Uh, ... no pun intended. And no - it isn't dead. Yet. I won't get hormones until 1 year into Therapy. So, its ... 11 month until that might happen.


I don't feel 'normal' walking around "posing" as a woman, but I feel 'better'.


And creating this 'natural' idea of what 'normal' so happens to be where there is a 'norm' that can be defined is healthy. Although one could certainly be too extreme about that as well, I certainly feel better about my transition once I have to make my own decisions - in spite of regardless of what. With it being 'normalized' so much I feel less certain about myself; And mostly - well - how is it these days? Am I just looking for attention? Jumping on a bandwagon? Not that these thoughts matter to me - but they find their ways into my head and now I have to deal with people that might think of me that way. Hypothetically. And thats ... no good!

Feminists were ridiculed and yet they did their thing and people agree with their points and so is emancipation. But true emancipation will never be gained - until you find a way of making men pregnant and getting women to turn their eggs into sperms. Or have a clit-rection. Or whatever. And it ain't good to promote this '100% equality' thing anyway. All it is is 'more demand on the market'. I've heard certain history stuffs where ... yea, it was about China where emancipation - or was it russia? - was used as a gimmick to get women to join the work-force. Not that they 'mustn't' - and that not because its written here or there but just because ... we're human beings and have the ability to be so in decency towards one another. So ... fight if you must ... certainly ... and it wouldn't have been so successful if there wouldn't have been an actual 'demand' like that (feminism) - while on the other end there are men that do the female part, sotospeak. Not a big deal. But calling every notion of being in your 'actual' gender role sexist ... is that really what we or anyone wanted out of it? I guess not!


Peace and Out!

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