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I ... can't touch it!

General StuffPosted by Nicole Mon, September 03, 2018 22:52:09

[more details and Tarot]


I started to like her at some point. She ... well, is a quiet girl. Pretty much like me ... except, I'm not really like that anymore. I talk a lot and get to be ashamed of it. Its that kind of engagement. Yea, how would you know? Could it be 'that' bad? "What could possibly go wrong?".

Anyhow - after a while something changed. That was after some 'doubt delivering feelings' had settled in. Well, ... being depressive or tending towards depression or pessimism made me welcome thoughts of doubt since I could tell myself - what I would expect to happen. So, when I felt like she couldn't possibly like me or say yes - I took it as a token of some kind. However did I thereafter start to ... have different names in my heart. I thought "Miriam" or "Mareike". Miriam was my first girlfriend and some other girl I know goes by that name too. Mareike was my ... 'best friend' while I was in the red light and some other girl I know goes by that name too. All in all names charged with some ... well ... personal disdain next to some vague presence of "motion called Love". So, as I then was used to a certain emotional presence of her and engaged with it after that point, those names were there instead. After some struggles with my heart just recently I came to a point where her real name was there. But also something else. Trying to ... face ... the circumstance ... eventually the name 'Anna' came out instead. So, me in my heart calling out to her in some way and that other name came instead. Anna by the way is that ... "first girl". In many ways ... emotionally ... its identical. The circumstances now, superficially, anyway.

Another thing with Miriam and Mareike is that, well, I wasn't really in Love with Miriam and Mareike left me in the friend-zone. After I quit with Miriam she wanted to leave. The town, her parents, ... fortune hunting somewhere else. So I wonder whether she's alright. Mareike I frequently think of when I wonder what options I have in simplest terms. Possible friends. Just something ... social.

WHen I now think of 'her' - the thing is that ... her position of having said no - it seems to me like its more of a spontaneus thing and I sense Annas smell therein. And I don't know what to do.


I don't even know about myself either. Just previously I had to lay down because my heart couldn't take it. Now ... its as though nothing ever happened. I suppose its because I've somehow found an end and turned towards other things. So, right now, I'm fine. And actually I should keep it this way. Be glad about it. And as "predicted" - it all comes down to me coping with it.

And I've been here before. In Love, not wanting to let go, being incapable of thinking of something else, ... and thinking that its right that way. Its strange how the first sane thought I believed to have was the cautious declaration of "maybe I'm just immersing myself too deeply into something". Well, on the other side - that, is one of the things that got me hooked. Turmoils in my heart that urge me to write, despite my deepest disdain against it. I don't want to write. I've been down that road. I don't want to go there anymore. Ironically the end is the same anyway. Except that the answer is more concrete. Although it still doesn't tell me what I want to know. But I can't do anything now - "I won't let it happen" - and so, the laughing part is, basically a kind of relief. Being relieved from all the thoughts and confusions and uncertainties and ... all of it.

And I can't even really cry about it. Except ... when those conflicts drive me into myself and I start digging out for where the conflict is coming from. And I am within my feelings that drove me into action and am in that position where I could ask her "why". There is disappointment ... but, good call. It used to be so that when we saw each other emotions would build up. And over night they'd be just like ... gone. Blown away. And what remains are merely memories. Memories eventually buried underneath a stinkin heap of confusion sooner rather than later.

And while I'm fine now - there is this hole. Most likely the void that took the place of my certainty that this is the one for me. It gives me that feeling that things will never be the same again. "Flowers and Bees". And I can only choose to live with it - while in hindsight ... there is only so little that would actually connect us. It seems stupid. Stupidly small. How could I have come from there to then to here?


I refused to write about it earlier. I was filled with hope and didn't want to "spill the coffee". Remarkably I however also felt bad for thinking about writing it afterwards. "The glorious success". While I should actually spend time with her.

My thoughts of what I might tell her or talk with her about also changed over the time. Its like ... things went from 0 to 100 in just a moment. And it wasn't even that much driven by emotions. There's just something that feels like a bond and provoked these positive imaginations. And the emotions didn't change - except that the bond would eventually seem more real. Confusingly so. Eventually on one hand it felt like we've been together forever. Like we'd already be a couple; And on the other - she was just a girl in the same place. She's interesting, has interests that attract me, she's got that smile. But eventually it changed. I was confused. And things broke apart.

So I thought we had this secret thing going on. She knew me and I knew her. And now I don't know what to do with these things.


Maybe I shouldn't be so pessimistic about it, but this idea feels like torture.

I have to think of Samantha. When I met her and looked her in the eye there was this fire. She came closer and closer - and eventually I told her. She was nice, we made a date and she dropped it. And I was laying there feeling horrible. And I tried to conjure up that moment to understand. I thought I maybe should write about it, but as said, I ... didn't.

I try to spot the differences. Figure out what makes this different from that. The first and most obvious thing was that burning on eye contact. I've had it before and it never really worked out. The one I didn't even try. And yea, she was that kind of girl that went out into Disco and came back with a one night stand. Pretty hot. In my opinion. The looks. Not the behavior. Although ... well.

But I'm also confused about my sexuality now. The way I feel now I'm not sure anymore about all the things I believed in. Sure, things are still there and thinking of it is there a respective way I could love her. Or she me, rather so. But ... the thing is that I lost ... my interest. I don't really care about it anymore. Thats another thing that ... basically caught me off guard. All the time I was so into things that I never thought I could connect to someone any other way. And in that sense, Monica is like an invisible girlfriend that at the same time is like a bar. Its a certain quality I have and for anyone to be anywhere near serious she'd have to live up to that. Of course there's a tolerance. For, else it'd be Monica herself. No one could ever live up to it - and so Samantha. I felt pretty well where our limits would be. And for what we had together, it was well within them. And it was 'well' within them.

Although I always felt that I wanted more than what we had. I tried to put a finger on it, wrote a lot - and sometimes I felt like she actually read what I wrote; And other times I felt like she just nodded regardless.

It wasn't intimate. I didn't find that in her but I wanted it. I guess that why she wasn't a reason for me to not leave that place.


I really didn't know her all that much either. We talked a bit, she seemed to enjoy herself - and everything was basically driven by interests or desires of some kind. Well, not ... talked about. So I eventually felt like she'd just use me to get more privileges at our place. Yet, after I left the place she basically deleted her presence. Was she afraid of me? Or was nothing holding her in the business?


Hmm. Irony! I get a lot of that right now. I remember. I was in High School and we were in the Philippines for a half year and there I had a crush. Well, silly me! I just didn't know what to do and it may have been mostly some subconscious peer pressure that made me write her. We became pen pals. I wrote her one letter, she wrote me one - and that was it. After she gave me her address I didn't know what to do. So, there was that school dance and guys were expected to pick up a lady - and I didn't know what to do. At some point she popped up in my sight and yelled "Ikaw" to me. Which means "you" in ... err. Some philippino dialect. She didn't seem pleased. Not hard to understand where that came from. Now I feel the same way!

While even more ironically, I found myself on the receiving end of it at first. I started to notice her - and at one moment our sights crossed again and she had this strange look on her face. Either like "whats up with you?" - or maybe "when you gonna make a move?". And I could only look down to signal a state of contemplation.

She gave me that feeling of ... investment. She knew things I had said at some point; And when I chose to introduce myself by my currently 'actual' name instead of 'Nicole' she looked at me like "what?". ... Where did these things go?


Maybe she said no and the feeling I got wasn't the way she intended to come across. "Anna".

But I still don't get it.


I'm sick, I'm tired and I'm weak.


So, its definitely her turn now. And thats something I can roll with, ... but ... I don't want to believe it. Else, I feel like I'd give her the feeling that everything is alright while things are most definitely not alright - and that I'd make a move while I most certainly don't want to continue being this stupid.

But here I am - in the same mood as before. Positively optimistic; Believing - and I can't find my way out of it. And so I have to struggle with myself all over again, and since I can't "debunk" it - I feel lost.

She didn't live up to the bar, she blew it away!


And ya. While I'm a whore - "or was one" - I'm technically still a virgin. Its part of my fucked up life and reality. I never knew how to make contact, ... but I eventually learned to just roll with things. Perhaps that was my time in NYC and LA. I learned that there were good people - and that not all of them can be trusted. I learned to keep my distance while still engaging with them. I learned of mutual understanding and simple ... life. Living with or next to each other based on merely circumstance. I was stranded there (in LA) with nothing and came back with two bags full of stuff.


I've a childhood dream that came to make sense now. That dream with the roller-coaster through the void. I remember now - that at some point there was another roller-coaster that at some point went parallel to my track - and I hopped over and everything was fine!

How am I gonna deal with that?

The Matrix tells me that I have to believe. Or ... better believe.


But its weird. This picture kindof collides with another thing. "Anna". It started to happen ... I guess I wrote of it. That it seemed like she would be interested again. I had dreams, ... trying to be all like "hey!" and ... near and close. And now, yea - well - thats what she is. And unsurprisingly the way how is bad!


And now its "obvious". When I doubt, it feels bad. And ... didn't I have a strange calirvoyance about that back then? Where I first wrote of something that felt bad when I doubted? It was as though something tried to tell me that I'd have to keep that in mind so I won't mess it up when it would come to matter.

LOL.

I can't make sense of anything I do without her anymore. Its not that I could not bear it - it just, ... started to make sense thinking of it and now ... I'm facing the void anyhow. Its just so that ... anyway ... being alone isn't good! That simple. And for the first time I felt like I wouldn't have to go through this alone anymore.

So, you, dear reader, with all your movie education, must at this point only be able to come to one conclusion. Lets hope its the right one!


"Girls are like Busses. One shows up every 15 minutes. You just don't have to be disappointed by it!". Movie advise. Well. It fits the tone. A ... sneaky feeling that seems to appropriately comment on whats really wrong with me. I carry it around with me and at every occasion I get to recall it. But so I also "learned" to protect myself from it. Simply put - I just don't have the time to be bothered. And as a kid I used to believe that the right one would one day just cross my way and things would be fine! For some time I wondered whether thats actually still possible. I wouldn't give much of someone I might meet in a Disco or something; But on the other side - you never know! "Last Resort".

I can at the very least tell myself that I never got distracted too far from that way. Well, although the exact opposite would be true to the cautious observer. Well, as far as I knew I always did the right thing. And for as much as I could tell - I've come the right way!

And - now what? Is this just another phase of my mental illness? Or just something old coming back up? The exact same patterns, over and over again, spread there before me. And I could be sure that things are similar for her.


The Tarot changed nothing. I could take that one card for something I should have done - but I didn't while I tried; And I would have tried anyway. From the time I thought she'd be slipping away I was eager to ... be more "aggressive". I can't live with the idea of letting things slip away. In a way all this sounds far from easy - but on the other side ... there's only one thing. But ... if its just me, ... its just me!

But certainly is there the question for 'why'. I mean, Tarot. There's the desire to have certainty of something buried deep within ones mind. Perhaps a way to dig things out - having them manifested in the cards - to then see how reality goes in different paths. Anyway - a Tarot doesn't create a decision since its the one interpreting the card that thereby does so. The last bit of doubt: It still influences someones actions in a maybe bad way. "That sodding friday". I mean, I saw that she arrived and I figured this might be the time I could at the very least give her my number. I had a message and thought it might be a good idea. So, she could call me if she felt like it. She said "Good Morning" and 'snook away'.

She didn't come with a bike that day and afterwards hurried away. She's ... apparently been really looking forward to meeting that guy.


I did a Tarot for yesterday. And it just re-assured me to play Street Fighter and later to make some music. Something about "being an underdog" and stuff. Though there's nothing else I could have done, it ... did work out just fine. I mean, I'm at 20XX points (Silver League) and playing casual where I get a lot of 3000 players and get my ass wooped regularly. Sometimes even by the 1000-1500 range.


But ... sure! "Whats the point?".


In a way I can't shake the impression that everything was fine - until I had the cards to show me. Then I had it there and I lost it in reality. Well, though at first I tried using poker cards. They seem a lot more capable in terms of right and wrong. Heart is good, the black upside down heart is bad. Cross is divine and diamond is everything else/in-between. The rest is just numbers and faces. With enough cards there could be a sense - while that many tarots ... wouldn't make any!

And why would it work? I asked God - and I asked the Tarot. Hmm. OK, I tried the latter on some other thing on my smart phone. "Do you work?" - result: "Snake". Description: Stuff about deception, even calculated - ... hmm.

I could see how "it" could have thought that I'm asking about 'her'. I mean, I wasn't online at that time, but ... well. It doesn't make sense and anyway ... . So, now while shuffling my Tarots the 10 swords fell out. And although I was advised to not go by the description and to rather just use it to get a general idea of how deep the implied meanings go - I read it to do just that. Intuitively I'd say: The Tarot feels attacked. Like, maybe with some sense of humor trying to point out the irony ... of the answer to that question. Meanings: Spiritual stress, often exaggerated. Resistence to change. Warning/Advise: A situation of crisis escapes another. What to do: An extreme situation is already changing.

Can I make sense of it? Well, so. Reading the description - things get a bit clearer. So, the fingers of him make the gesture of the Hierophant - so, one of blessing. But more significantly does the figure look towards the morning light. Or is it the evening?

So we can look at it both ways. Its the death of the old and a look to the new, or simply a card of defeat. Well, in both cases we have change. And because the figure is dead, we could think of 'resistence' to the same. Maybe this now tells us that Tarot don't work in any way of change. Being themselves resistant to it. So that maybe they would rather mirror your hopes than reflecting on future events - but - it does, ... reflect on them. As so the oracle for the day. Its like so that it 'stitches' a situation to the ground that one would be in some way bound to. And like so we could think that we learn more of the divine through them. So, in seeing our ... powerlessness in face of the predetermined. Which is the other way of saying that we can't bring about change - as from having hopes in the same by knowing the future.

So, its ... working! The situation we draw out in doubts, considering what we know, tells the same thing. We're bound to our present.


But thats not the topic here. The topic is Love. And so, if things were bad for me - well. How should I take the 9 cups? To look deeper or as "it is called": "Card of Wishes"? At this point, ... it still gets to mean the same!

Except whence she has nothing to do with it.

And so is the problem that I thought of it, maybe did it, but can't really remember the results. Thinking of our "relationship". But I would think that this is the kind of trap there is. While ordinarily we'd ask "the stars" to make sure that we don't embarrass ourselves in consequence to our actions. But so then is there also a useful bit. A way of expanding ones insight regarding the things at hand. To maybe see something we might have missed. Which generally can't work if we're biased. And thus incapable of interpreting the complexity of the matter. Which one would get to experience after starting simple - 'however'.

Hmm. Well, I couldn't avoid thinking of it again and almost automatically I lifted the deck and the card at the bottom of the heap is one that I recognize as familiar. In that context. The empress. And well - it doesn't tell me what I wouldn't have told myself. Except that I'm now, due to the "flavor text", to be more considerate while still confident in my emotions as to believe in Love.

The 8 wands is another one. I remember that one because I was very confused by it initially. Something about 'higher power'.

Queen of Cups would be a 'negative' when asking the Tarot for its functionality because of its 'proximity' to acts of creation. But we could also take it the other way and see it as the woman that gathers ... stuff ... in her cup. "The Future" maybe? The Truth? But, that wouldn't have really answered our questions. ... uh ... "Bam!!!"?

The hanged man would also sortof kindof work in the light of expressing caution. More so, although with belief in its functionality ... ? Well. But I would say that thats the thing. What would or could have popped out is not what did pop out. So, if we're discouraged from action or primed to think of being stuck in a bad situation - we could have reflected upon that on the same basis while being left with a more negative conclusion.


And again I find myself wanting to ask the Tarot about her. Its like the only thing I can do. Or think of. I here have no ways to love her. I wished I had her number and could write her or talk with her. I wish ... for something. For ... what I feel to be real to 'be' real. And I have no interactivity with anything at all. All I could do is shuffle the cards and ... 'grow in optimism'. Looking at cards that aren't too ambiguous in their positivity regarding the context. Temperance, Strength, Ace of Cups, ... OK, 7 coins is a bit weird.

The Magician. I would take that as the bad guy.

And maybe I fail to interpret these cards as things that don't deal with me necessarily - but for that I simply lack the strength of heart right now.


So, anything about my conclusion about 'her' as it stands: Knight of Swords. Does it tell me what I am? I mean, this is actually a good question now. I read a lot that the Tarot is more like a mirror. To reflect ones own understanding. And were I the first one to utter the idea of oracles by cards I'd put it the same way. I mean, I ... started with a poker deck and while doing so developed ideas that I found present in that booklet that came with the Tarots.

There's so - first and foremost - a subtle caution uttered in regards to 'fortune telling'. And the meaning of interpretation. But so the problem with Tarots, as said, is their ambiguity. To the untrained eye at least, which is basically where I'm at at the time. But we can understand 'how' it works by drawing comparisons to the Matrix phenomenon.


"Something about my conclusion" ... Knight of Swords. Valiant, Heroic, Decisive, possibly reckless. But also 'doubts, fear but also caution'. Hmm ... so - the issue is: Positive or negative? Both is kindof right here. And yea - this is where we get to what each and every skeptic of the supernatural as "seemingly" said ever. What to do: Time for being brave and smooth movement. Don't hesitate.

Which is a bit less ambiguous. Not in regards to what I should 'do' in reality per se - but in regards to the conclusion. So, time to ... accept it and roll with it.

That way I don't drive myself insane over it - and am ready in case she changes her mind. "Cool".


So, did it help? Well, it kindof didn't! I've been there at all. It changes ... 'nothing'. Basically. But it primes me in a way. I feel confirmed in it - more confident about my conclusion, ... which I by the way couldn't really have changed at all. I mean, to come back to the magician. "I admit" - ... "he's a pickle" ... 'no doubt about it'. But ... well. What can I do about it?

Yet the Tarot doesn't say anything that hasn't been said already in one way or another. And sure, I think this needs re-emphasis. And I think there's still a riddle hidden within it. I mean, at this point I'm sortof circling "into" this conclusion that Tarots ... well, yea ... are resistant to change. But there are tarots that are concerned of just that. As one would be in a situation of contemplation, weighing one thing against the other. Which isn't really anything that applies to me right now. There is no weighing.


The rest just ... goes along. Thats kindof what the poker cards told me. Well, that one is a little bit complicated. First I shuffled until I had two heaps. One left and one right. Then I layed a pyramid (1-3) - cards covered - and cards upon them face up. Then a row of 5 decks with each three cards. First the five, then another five on top and then the last. Then a reverse pyramid with faces up, and then another one on top of it face down.

I so started to cover up on the bottom and then the equivalent on top. Reading stuff into it. The five decks are called "fate cards". Their function ... well. It so happened that they allowed me to connect stuff on the bottom with the top. Simply because of color. So in their vague meaning. Its like solving a puzzle. There's a given meaning in their order and - putting cards onto other is like 'solved'. It solved out fine, but I was left with a deck of three ... "pikes"? And the heap on the right vastly unsolved. So, "the triad of evil remains". Thats pretty much what I took from it - and something about "Queen of Diamonds holding the Prince of Hearts".

I was left with one card, ... and I did put it above the pyramid on top. I'm not sure if it was the card that was covered though - but there was a '2 hearts' "growing" into a '3 hearts'. So, ... growing Love.

Which right now however seems more like mockery. And so are there those points where we're most certainly just not sure what to make of it. Can I trust it or should I not? Can I trust it - but when it matters it will turn against me? So, should I try not to be comforted by the Knight of Swords?


Well, at this point it sortof seems silly to ask that. I guess any Psychiatrist would at this point come down to the same thing as well. Well, 'of course' while it stays within sane measures. I mean, we could interpret it that way - so that I would think of digging more ... aggressively. As understanding the 'don't doubt' in regards to smooth motion that way too. Which could be a good advise. I mean - its a situation where giving advises would generally be foolish. Nobody can tell me what to do. I could get disappointed again and would have to handle it. If I were insane I'd probably get ... to a place with 'cozy walls' ... sotospeak.


But yea. Now ... to mention it, there's "the Loosers Parable". So, the Looser in every movie ever that was in Love with a girl and in the end maybe got her. I so far always understood it as anyone else, possibly. Just the looser/nerd type and the fun surrounding him on the screen. And some might find that special someone. But now I think differently about it. I would ... I mean, I think - because of the way it did hit me - that everyone could find himself in that position. Loving someone that for whatever reasons just seems ... out of reach. Turning even the most badass baller into a scared looser. Just a note.


But anyway. Well, trying to talk this out of my mind - that would be difficult. At least without her help. And with her help I'd find it desirable. I mean, ... its ... weird to realize that ever since I fell in Love with Anna ... things have changed so little. I'm still in Love with someone that doesn't seem to like it, riddled with ambiguities that nourish my hopes.


But yea, so - this is now going in circles. Knight of Swords. The Empress. The Magician. ... where it all ends ... well. I dare not to look again because so far I know ... nine cups and eight wands. It still could mean anything but means as much as ... that I'm powerless!


Ace of Wands: The bottom card that came 'easy'. You know - sometimes cards stick together thus creating 'natural' ... "gaps".
Lovers: The card at the bottom after I lifted again, trying another one. Not an easy one.

If it all comes the negative way ... hmm. So far I get that the negatives are always somewhat present within. Hmm, so, 'Mindscape' is now coming to an end. (The movie). "The truth is the only thing that can set us free". I guess that'd make a nice closure to this one. Otherwise I might have thought of inception. Though, that be more like a blunt club in comparison.

Hmm ... eight wands ... could be "them".

Lovers: "be careful of false decisions".


...


Well. I guess its fair to say that this turned out to be a nice representation of what I mean by "the Trap within Tarot". I mean - there's a conclusion and since then I'm just moving around in circles drawing cards. And nothing ... changes.

So, could things change were I to just act against it? I would do what I do and thus just move on. Somehow that should make me successful. So we could imply that there might be a curse that would prevent us from being successful another way. Ten swords?


But what if I now succeed? I could so try to be mad - which would also be covered in terms of 'true feelings'. I so could stop believing, be 'more mad', really upset, and be like "its over, you had your chance - now deal with it!". And it would make sense just that I don't think its warranted while I still do basically feel alright. Though, seeing her might not be the same - and Knight of Swords that way would tell me to be careful. In essence that means ... letting go, despite not letting go.

The thing I would do.

So, maybe I'm just naturally good at it and that in the way of being too good for advises of any kind.


So, any ... issues? Yes! Being all in Love might be just what "they" want ... to take her further away from me. Being negative might let her notice that something is wrong. But that could scare her as well. In this endless cycle of possibilities cards won't help. Thats certain! Except maybe I try to put down two cards - one for positive and one for negative - so, explicit. And one for actions. To ... so ... deal with the booklet that I have for guidance.

Page of Wands, Page of Coins, 10 Swords.

Eagerness, Joy and a Juvenile attitude.
Distractions, Loss of Sense/Meaning or Faith. Confusion.
An Extreme Situation is already changing.


Hmm. So ... nothing new!


Where the extreme situation could be me, right now - just as the rest. So ... good?


So, ... this probably goes on until I have to sleep. Its 10 to 11 pm - so, yea. I probably should sleep now. And I haven't eaten yet. I did struggle with it. I felt like, deliberately not eating. But then also to not do that. Now I've wasted my time on this.

By tomorrow I will have forgotten what meaning within the cards makes most sense to me - will be just going and from time to time maybe remember the one or the other. As they come. So, ... so far the Cards help me cope with it. With something they produced? Well, maybe I was too eager giving her that piece of paper - ... ?

Oh God. I mean - well. Its not over. And if thats how it is in ... after rehab, I guess, its overdue to think again.


Or not?


... [dum dum dum].

That's what it is!!!

General StuffPosted by Nicole Mon, September 03, 2018 16:47:40

Well. In appendage to the previous story - now a "preliminary conclusion".


So, as it was - last friday - things ... sortof changed. So, she was about to meet that guy - and I think things got noticeable to me earlier that morning. The way it felt to see her was different. She started to avoid me. More. We had our ways of going out of each others way, but that was different. Then, this morning, 'it' happened. A feeling I know too well and now I think I know what it means. Kindof. Well, its "that" sudden hot flash when seeing someone. It happened as she came into the dining room. I was sitting there and as she came in and probably saw me - it happened.

Well. The thing is - I asked her last week if she'd like to do something with me; And she seemed happy while she said yes. We made something out for the next day, but an appointment interrupted that. I was still in a good mood - well, I guess ... until that friday. The moment she said she had this friend she'd like to meet I felt shocked. And that feeling I know from that first girl I had been in love with returned. That awkward feeling - that feeling of being ... "outclassed" or whatever. And it was so much the same, its like ... she (the first one) was sitting there instead.

And yea. So I asked her today and all of a sudden "no" - she thinks it doesn't 'fit' ... "right now(?)" ... .

I can also add this to my "Tarot Research". I have them since last wednesday. And so far it would seem that it only gives one shitty answers that no-one can actually benefit of. That is I think the more concrete way of expressing those initial suspicions that something might be wrong with them. A problem might be that positives and negatives are ambiguous. Or guidance. Once I was laying stuff out - and while wondering of something and shuffling the cards expanding on something I had been confused about. Now, it was about my family - and the Tarot was positive towards them - however so in the financial sense. I was confused - yet - as it so simply told me something I already knew but wasn't actually fine with. The Tarot would so advise me to 'deal with it' as well as I could and yea, I see that there is no good way to escape. But there was one card which could have meant something else - and as I expanded on that, a way out 'did' expand - just, ... it depends on something else. Or ... someone.

Yea. So - I am confused about it. Still.

I think best for the public to express it is that Song by Michael Jackson called "She's out of my Life". Its ... "funny" ... because I had a dream telling me just that. So, in that dream I was chasing after a woman. She was there, close, part of 'my group' - but whenever things got sexual she disappeared. I tracked her down after I got aware of it being just a dream - but she was occupied speaking in a room. There outside I guess the veil of the dream caught me - but there was someone telling me that maybe I should try showing my affection some more. So in that dream there were two girls. I touched them and they willingly followed me. Thereafter I found myself on a battleground and then put into birds-perspective; Like the whole place had turned into a model of some kind.

Now, I wondered - but it contributed to me actually trying to speak to her instead of trying something else.

And its confusing, because - thinking back ... she caught my eye since the very first time I saw her. I just wouldn't think of her as a potential partner because she was stationed in a different place at that time; And right away I believed that I'd never stand a chance. Although she ... isn't that typical pretty girl some might think usually catch my eye. To me however - she is. I probably have to speak to the doctor about this. Its ... driving me nuts!

Well, in the end - I again have managed to make myself love sick - or ... in more specific words: I don't know how it happened, but it happened anyway. And now it really seems like this song speaks from my heart. I didn't understand what the part "I don't know whether to laugh or cry" should mean. But I get it now. There's this sobering state of ... "well, fuck!" ... and what you wanna do? She said no - and any further thing I'd do would only make it worse. But still ... it doesn't leave me. And this is nothing like I've experienced before except that it is, in a few ways. Superficial ways. The ... ways - inside - are different. The outcome is the same. Now I don't know whether I should wait - while at the same time I won't allow myself to fall back into such patterns.

I was confused because all signs were on green - and I couldn't piece together how it would be love! Crazy, because I for the first time ... thought beyond the simple feelings. Its ... so different from anything else. I was more thinking about that I barely know her and thus asking for how it could be Love while otherwise the feeling itself would determine any notion thereof.

So, the conclusion: Whatever changed is probably due to that guy, who's one of "them" I got to think, ... and now I'm mad at her! I'm generally and majorly pissed and I can't get rid of whatever it is that attracted me to her in the first place.

Yet I had to wonder: About that song. Is it that he had to suffer through it so it could be a warning to others? It would seem like ... something totally different. Like true Love doesn't exist! It only exists to fuck us in the arse because it'd be unfair if anyone had it.

It however doesn't affect my depression. "Yet!". What am I to know about how this develops? I still can push some positive mood into my head and ... probably do it as she's doing. Just ... intentionally and consciously. While she ... whatever.


I still have cards open that need some meaning before I can conclude that part, but as it stands now - the Tarot I shared in that video ... it said that the Hierophant is the Antichrist who's actions would contribute to the broken heart - and thats where we're at now! The cards would still suggest a happy end - but - because she's schizophrenic I doubt that she's gonna get it. And when it comes to my inner eye - during art therapy I've drawn a guy standing in the green facing a huge desert, ... and a tiny staircase next to him leading down there. I also had that feeling ... that she'd have her cock within me - which might be someone elses cock in her. Well ... what could I make of it?

"Slut!"?
Probably.


So - I wasn't free enough to do the right thing in time.

Or what?

Why do I always have to do the things I just can't? Never ready - always left behind. Whatever. Maybe she's scared of me - for reasons I tried to explain in the previous article. Or at least doubtful or pre-occupied.


I possible should be positive and hopeful - but honestly - I'm not feeling it nor do I want to feel it! It was nice while it lasted. ...

"The End!"

Love, Innocence and Adultery

General StuffPosted by Nicole Sun, September 02, 2018 17:51:18
[stuff about 'some' deception]


I think I've found my least favorite movie genre. Maybe less of genre and more something of a ... theme or thread. But it is in that ... usually ... strong enough to be considered a Genre. Pretty much like "rape revenge" is a genre. And it usually deals with adultery. Stories about "that type of Guy" that would get "that" type of woman. But more to the point ... are there real life experiences and those that I get while watching ... and there's an intersection. And first of all should I so mention that there is that what we do when we try and consider something for our future when it gets to social stuff. Or rather particular individuals. Its a bit like trying to see into the future. But more of a feeling into it, ... well.

What I'm thinking about takes me way back - where I was madly in Love with a girl that wouldn't respond to me that way and yet I believed. For some reason I believed it still would turn out fine. Time went by, I eventually got away from it - made a lot of new experiences and eventually I got to thinking back.

And ... its the same story ... always, or usual ... just in different ... "shades of gray".

But we all have different ways of ... 'getting used to it'. Coping with it. I mean, the time where I'd just blindly accept what I "sense" are long gone! Now I only 'see it' - and as I see it - I try to make my way away from it. Donald Trump ... and how people react to him ... would be a matter of these and those too. Maybe lets just call him "the good friend" (that always wants to get you high) ... [and when the time comes ...] ... .

What this means is that "I'd say" that "there are those" that ... understand how to give you a good feeling about something. So, in terms of relationships you'd feel safe, in terms of friendship that they be smooth, great parties, ... whatever. You "feel in" ... and "all is good". You wouldn't hate them however - for anything.

And what can you do?

I think we naturally develop this habit of leaving things up to fate. And in a way, thats ... the mistake. There's a certain passivity in it which lets us wait for something - and that something may just be that "stranger" who has that ... thing. "Engagement". Activity. Interest. Gets things moving. "So much better than [X]".

The one side accuses them of professionally exploiting our weaknesses while they defend with "its better that way".

You try not to be a douche - and bam - yet again.

But don't worry - it gets worse!


For quite some time I frequently babbled about how whenever I have some kind of love interest in someone there's someone creeping up on that person to snatch her away. While eventually there's someone else to grab me. Sounds schizophrenic, but eventually I had a chance to observe it happening live.

I also had a strange week yesterday night. In it, well - I had a problem because Monica had a problem with some assholes; But not even the US army was willing to do anything against the "NYC Mafia". Eventually I had a change to get into their stronghold and there was a tiny entrance down into what might just be the most secure chamber - and there she was, imprisoned and raped.

And I really strongly felt this feeling of how it is when you don't like it.

I think thats just a neat image in context. If you're not dangerous to them its all just fun alright. "Lets assume".

So, there is this girl - and the amount of guys I see swirling around her has grown in equivalence to my growing interest in her. Which was ... confusing, or strange, as in a way it seemed like those were extensions of my feelings. And quite actually, the more I thought of her - the more distant she grew. Its like someone used my emotions to basically surf on them and move on in instead. And around that time I had part 2 of that dream I wrote about recently. That one with my dad and being paralyzed. So I made an experiment. For once I started to "Hug a tree" instead, ... and like magic that swirling was no more. Yet I still had a problem within myself. That paralysis. I found myself stuck to the sidelines - too confused, filled with thoughts that would only make me more passive. "I can't dare to ..." or whatever. So I tried to withdraw my ... "emotional focus" from my heart in an attempt to basically 'be as I would'. I so stood up, moved to the window, thereby getting closer to her - and woom - some other guy stood up and tried to pry his way in between us. Moving "with(in)" my 'emotional sympathy' for her. That which was there as within my actions. But I didn't get scared back and eventually he backed off. Not that it mattered all that much, but well. It matters now, and here!


Another thing is that some"thing"(one) is squeezing into my emotions. Like when I think of Monica and get the impression of being stuck with J.Lo. Good for me that I've grown distant from actually giving a damn about all that stuff going on in my mind - but, the thing is that I for instance think of her or anyone for that matter and "she" is "bulging" in like ... trying to get me distracted from whatever I'm thinking about as to eventually make me get things mixed up.

Then, well. Every friday we talk about whats been well this week and what we plan for the weekend. I heard her say she's meeting a friend she hasn't seen in a while - and as I was at home I was sortof, ... stuck and confused ... someone 'building up' feelings for her - and the only thing I could do was to curse in my mind and play Street Fighter. For the feelings, they were weird. Getting sucked into some kind of ... weirdly ... surreal sort of emotional state while then at some point feeling ... like the skin of someone else manifesting around me. 1+1 is still 2. Curses and Tiger Uppercut!


('The Voices' with Ryan Reynolds ... XD)

But well [sigh] - the Horror Genre is plagued by stupid people! And this is the redemption! Might be.


On top of that, well. How to put it? Well, lets compare those emotions to a wind - ... uh, no. But yes. Well - the thing is that I have my 'inner life'. And every once in a while there is this gap - as between me and that "wind" - and there's then "the other guy". He isn't me - but - he's ... changing me. Taking that space of that gap and being however - not me.

So, how is this? First of all - this has nothing to do with voices. These are no 'hallucinations'.

Its I guess the inverse of getting someone else instead of the person I'm thinking of. So, basically - its inevitable to at some point speak more properly of telepathy. At first simply in the sense of empathy. Not that type of empathy which simply means ... "being a good person" ... but ... Deanna Troy type of empathy. Telepathic empathy. Yea, Astair - in some way. But more intermediate.

So, I guess - the story begins in my head. I live my life - and eventually I start to think about someone. And thats where "it" happens. Maybe its the same when we think of some funny advertisement or movie-scene and we can laugh with it as we feel the collective cloud of laughter that this thought has amassed. So I think of someone and so I get engaged with something. So, thats where when looking at the top we try to make out something to base our further behavior or attitude on. So, beyond it - we also get into the realms of crazy. Like the first time around - "that girl" - it all started with a song, while I was high sleeping on someones couch. Could have been Brown Eyes by Beyonce, or something like that. I thought of a girl and started to imagine things. Could we be together? How would it be? And it was as though someone was saying "Yes" ... to all my positive imaginations. And there it came - that warm feeling. I guess - what I had been prolonging for ... for all my life till then. Love. Warmth. Comfort. Now, some wouldn't go as far as to assume that this was me being deliberately put into a psychotic state - but the |guardians of realism| ... well, lets just say "Maaaaa-Trix".

Its a thing. And in a way is the Tarot feat. the Matrix thing (22) - a homage to that. How certain stances or attitudes - just like "the good friend" or "temptation" - give us comfort in our ... "measly" existence.

However. Whatever. Its on when its on - or something like that, whatever.

So - thats, when thinking of telepathic empathy, the individuals starts to engage in a more "thorough" form of interaction. Since she wasn't anywhere close, I also don't think it really had anything to do with how she'd respond. And I noticed something. A couple of times I tried to get to her, close up, for some answers. And beyond a certain point it was as though I left one sphere and entered another. The world where I was in Love with her and had those feelings ended - and a world ... a different world ... started. One where I had no chances.

Well, now its obvious what and why.

Back then, not so much.

After I had been over this I basically ... well. First there was Madonna, then Amanda and then Monica. All, in some way, like guardian angels - in the sense that each of them "pacified" me via some other emotional thing. Nothing like true Love. But, like it. Some other fascination - none alike. Different, but similarly ... enticing. All in and of themselves somewhat capable of sustaining the idea of a fulfilled life and love - but so different that this whole construct of true Love or soulmateship came to crumble. I mean, aside of Polygamous ideas there's just no sense in how all that could be. And because thats just how I was, eventually - so beyond that - I settled on vastly sexual thoughts. For pleasure. Trying to think of other things. Although ... well, whatever.

I think it just happens. At least in my situation. Alone, isolated, ... etc.. So, I eventually got to think of 'her' - and so this 'wind' would engage me in some thoughts - where this "other guy" would for instance incite struggle of some kind. So, in the sense ... I'd think of something and as this character squeezes in that turns into a quarrel. But so I have the feeling that its how she would get to see me. Yea, like ... I would see the other chick instead of her.

And all in all its confusing because the images by which I would differentiate are just forms. The ... 'emotional weight' ... changes. Either dragging me into optimism, false confidence, pessimism, ... all sorts of stuff - that just shouldn't be there.

Well, in general a situation that is created through these odd perceptions thus distorting ones 'normal being' in reality. Pessimism holds one back, optimism into it makes one try to break out - things don't happen as they would or should - etc.. Things get crazy.

Or, if I were to do something while this other character is basically charging me with optimism I'd sortof carry his "genes" (for the lack of a better word) into the activity and be masked. Thats my suggestion. The crazy then is that this "charge" has a motivation that isn't mine and while I'd follow it - I yet have to speak for myself. So, I wouldn't know what to say.

I think its complicated.

Maybe its just a way of getting me scared. Who knows? I think I've had something similar with Taylor Swift "recently"; Where anything would however make me jealous or ... get me uneasy and willing to do stuff because of that ... . However, things that aren't on my actual radar. Things I shouldn't be concerned about. Or things I should be concerned about in another way.


So, what did I miss? I have this bad feeling in my left knee. Well, anyway - I guess I could have put it all shorter. There's that girl and I think about her, get engaged into thoughts and every once in a while a "villain" pops in, one way or the other. The deeper effect simply being a distortion of whats real. In the simplest case we so just wouldn't get to talk, wouldn't come any closer, ... because ... I assume that once I'm not alone anymore things are going to change. The other way around I'm just getting more and more crazy; And once I write about it, that just adds up.

Hmm ... well. Whatever.


Silent Hill : Revelation. It deals in a similar vein as the voices, but I think its a more intimate "revelation" of 'their' kind. Possibly their understanding of reality subconsciously transformed into art.


And that girl, ... I hope she'll be safe - and gets what she wants. Something thats good for her!


But yea. "Empty Promises" - that would be the theme/topic here. Or "Empty" "Promises". The thing is that I can feel 'promises of successful relationshipping' here and there, but ... if one is to sacrifice him or herself for someone elses wellbeing, that ain't truly Love. I could feel well and comforted while someone else takes perfect care of me. Being a partner, giving me a life - and if I wanted I could then call it "it" - the good thing. While yet I know that its just an illusion erected to pacify me within a state of apostasy.


Girl in the middle of Silent Hill surrounded by Monsters screaming: "Help, why doesn't anyone help me?!" ... ??? ... []


Whatever. In metaphor I think we can find ourselves in that situation and wonder - like, ... "where's God?" ... and I wonder: Maybe my advises when it comes to God are different to you than they are to me. I get an immediate response - thinking you get the same. But, if I feel the force and you don't - yea, you'd be like me before I got in - and the effect, well, would take its while to enter the realms of the eightfold (whats perceivable therein).

...

Breakthrough

General StuffPosted by Nicole Thu, August 16, 2018 18:45:25

[stuff ... Feminism, Synagogue of Satan, Southpark, Testimony, ... uh ... nonsense]


I have this to say: In regards to the "who is who"s of our time - there's, in the end, only one thing I cared to really know of someone that I couldn't really know in any other but asking God. That is, whether he or she or "it" is "an Antichristian"; Or, sotospeak, "part of the Synagogue of Satan" - as so in the sense of the revelation and not in the sense of "Holy Satanism" of course.

I then wondered - of a particular person at first - how could I tell? And the ordinary way of the Testimony of which I'm sure I'll have to write about more conclusively at some point in the future turned out to do the trick. And accordingly - I came to understand that most black (afro american) people just and simply ain't. Which on the other end needs me to say that if someone ain't part of them, that surely doesn't mean that its a good person. Or "unflawed" or any of that. But so - we can think of the state at which I "left" Sinbad the Sailor up to this point - or so, more specifically, the scene where Jamal proposes an alliance between them three as they all needed one another. The more I get to think about it, the more evident it becomes that this point exists. So, lets for instance suppose that we all became Antichristians. Well, whether you do believe that this could work out to a good ending or not is beside the point; But we can yet assume that it could - and at that instance see the "same ending" no matter the means of getting there.
I've seen a lot of Antichristians - today so, after ... starting to expand on this aforementioned instance. Sometimes they come in groups and while I was about to give a 2 out of 10 approximation I felt getting corrected to a 3 out of 10. They are there and in the end it would seem to be a lot - and I've seen that well, it is in-deed possible to develop a feeling for this stuff; But not at all to find ways to objectively differentiate. My first best "objective" idea was to say that they try to fit in while eventually maintaining something such as an individual style. But any person with the same goal would eventually end up the same way. Fashion is like that. Then I would think of the "symptom of YOLO" - (YOLO: You Only Live Once) - whether that be the "action" or "couch" type. People that try to live their life to the fullest; However. But then, any other person could end up the same way. If there was some unique culture at first, there would be others that adopt it. Thats just the way of life. So the next step is to think of the production of those individualistic things. And we might have a strong point suggesting that they constantly try to promote "their stuff" - but anyone with an opinion and ... bad taste ... (we all have been kids - you know how it is) ... could be the same. And fitting in sometimes requires them to "side with the enemy".


Actually I however didn't mean to write about this. I had something of a breakthrough experience regarding my mental health condition. Progress out of Depression. But I feel like this isn't the best time to do this. Its almost like what I ended up writing instead fits the time better than that.


So, CIA and NSA goes to them; FBI goes to us. It seems. I also have apparently been on the right track with my skepticism regarding a certain Love Interest; But also regarding those I've "fixed" on my "List". YouTube, though I haven't checked a lot but on the surface so far it seems to be a nasty battleground. So, Thunderf00t as the lonesome warrior guy ... that fits the bill for our side it seems. TB however wasn't one of them.

It still seems that popular opinions rule - that its the good one - and that morons drag the "statistics" down.


So I also had on mind to write something about/against Feminism. And this I take from my experiences with my depression. The "magic cue" starts with a common misconception. I would say it is. Although - several movies get it right. I mean, the idea of suppressing trauma as a bad thing. Yet so there is that conflict - which takes us to the misconception. The idea with 'healing' a depression, or one of them, is to convert negative into positive thoughts. That however isn't good - and thats the point - when this conversion happens by a lie. So, I wondered: My dad is an asshole - how can I convert that into something positive? The answer was then facepalm worthily obvious: I can get along without him.

I've had that breakthrough that ... this pitch black darkness which I thought I couldn't pierce through - got pierced through. I was waiting for something to happen that would make things better, ... and maybe thus I had that dream where I was flying through a tunnel of light; Like a wormhole - and a lot of people were there with me. They managed to get along quite well - and I, ... the more I tried to get forward, the further I fell behind. That has another possible interpretation as well though. That I was trying to do too much at once. And each of those things - after I so committed to it, became more and more complex so that I could actually accomplish less and less effectively and thus all the things eventually ended up in ruins. On the flipside however did I yet also do many things right. At least so in regards to myself - so, that all I needed was a little help. After I took Neuroleptics, well, it only took a few days for me to somehow stabilize on it and my "years of training" could do the rest. Which is why my "how I cured my depression" story would end up to be ... pivotal and short. In a way that lets me say - also considering the "reports" of others in our depression group - that we all move in different circles. So, one would have a depression, do the thing to get out - but in the end would still arrive in loneliness. For instance. Moving in circles without a clear way out. For me its simple. Finding myself is one piece to it - going the way another one, but learning to live - do the chores - ... more or less ... well, there's positivity coming up. I see it as ... being too busy to get depressed.

Now, this resonates with Feminism in the sense that Feminism - in its modern state - basically moves on without that Level of insight. Its ... a delicate thing to say and I'm sure not without justified opposition. In simplest terms does it stand as often told already. In my words: Ignoring the root of a problem doesn't fix it. Although in certain instances it does. So there is the issue with my past which causes a lot of depression. Being unaware of it - was part of my state of depression. Getting through the flashbacks and "seeing your enemy" was a next step. But what I can't change I can't change - and looking forward is still the best way to go. So is this not a straight line. There is a line I moved on until I stepped out of it. Then came some phases of readjustments, but yet the way is still that of moving forward. Which sometimes also implies moving back.

Moving forward here shouldn't be associated to achievements - although we, I guess, should still call it progress. Progress however comes on its own and depending on our mood that ... goes both ways. Once your stuck in a dead end - trying to move on just doesn't solve your issue!

How to best formulate it? Many ... "Militant Activists" ... (all?) ... tend to forget that you can't build well on a shaky foundation. It might be 'all' when we go to consider that those MAs are only "crowd catchers/control" - only part of the puzzle, never the real solution. Revealing Trump as a deliberate clown ... maybe. Albeit a dangerous one.

The issue I'm having is about the "positive, progressive Propaganda". Without being regressive and exclusive. The problem I'm sensing is maybe best compared to the issue with bad friends. So, bottom line: Their ways of making you feel good isn't a problem if you can safeguard yourself against potential disappointments.

"Joseph Smith was called a Prophet - dum dum dum dum dum ..." (Southpark Seas 7 - Episode 12)

Uh ... I just didn't know what else to write and that song got stuck in my head.


And yea - well, it just so happens to be with comedy that some times things are just a little ... over the edge. I think of the "Honest Movie Trailer" to the Matrix where they point out Neos ... monotone facial expression. Now, we could argue back and forth whether or not thats a good thing - but in the end its a note one can take with humor and thus tries to implement it into a joke. And when making jokes is ones profession - that would so tend to happen ... "sooner or later". And so - necessarily - with a comedy show such as Southpark ... well. Think about the viewer. The viewer goes to watch the show expecting to get a good laugh out of it. So in essence is it ... "business with shady background practices" - and in consequence one so expects to be laughing, but at the cost of it must also - in essence - be able to laugh about the own self. Getting too critical about "proper representation" simply ... goes perpendicular to that and is "harassment of comedy" in general.


I so love(d?) the episode where Randy holds his balls to the microwave so he can get testicle cancer to then get medical Marijuana. (Season 14 - Episode 3)


And its surprising how well - even if unintended - the "the Book of Mormon" musical by the Southpark creators ... nails it and "gets the spirit" ... in a way.


It may appear as "un-christian" because its all full of offense against ... everyone ... and it has "Jesus" in it, which is one of the things the Bible warns us of. "If they say the Christ is [here or there], don't listen to them". But we all know what that means and can tell that Southpark doesn't really mean it that way. We could also think that "Life of Brian" is a bad movie because it makes fun of "the Lord" - but no. It just tells some story of some dude named Brian. Yea, full of offense it might be - but the humor in it draws from the fact that our world is as fucked up as it is. Hard to say how Southpark might work in a perfect world. Is it a dilemma?

Maybe as a ... one of those ... "back in the days" movies.


However. Whatever. Sometimes I just talk shit - and I can't stop myself from it. Maybe there's a deeper meaning to it - or I hope so - but yea. Obviously this isn't really going anywhere. Anymore. So then ... peace and "goodbye".

Writing about ... something

General StuffPosted by Nicole Sat, August 04, 2018 15:38:38
OK. Well, first of all there's a progress update of sorts concerning my medical story. I'm soon out of the Psychiatric Day Clinic to again be stationary however in a Psychosomatic thing. And then back to psychiatric day clinic. It turns out ... as I've also begun to record here ... that my story is a bit more complicated than I realized. And most importantly ... how I would realize in realtime. So, usually ... I'm feeling fine. After some lows, which I wouldn't consider as lows but just ... uh, whatever, I'm back at normal while being optimistic about my future and my ability to handle the same. Taking my concerns that I'm writing about into 'pronounced reality' is ... somehow ... broken. And that should also go for the other concerns I'm having.

Like so however was it so previously on the Matrix that the whole me vs. them issue got kicked onto another Level. So, to recap ...

12: 'We' started to be officially the bad guys
13: An example - where I tried to "play through" Neo's story but got caught up within issues and ... "replaced" ... in a way ... by Smith. Thats where I figured that this whole 'we are the bad guys' thing is a bit more serious.
14: Is where it got more tight, ... with I guess the statement being something like "we're not letting go of it" and ... poor little Neo looking ... a lot like a poor little Neo.
15: Oh yea. I had to scroll down to remember. Yea. The whole Transformers thing. And the Neverending story. Also the whole DJ Genki Dharma issue. And closing a loop on some YouTube stuff I had to re-record. The Transformers thing is first of all like a Nail in the Coffin giving a great example of how 'the Matrix' can turn one thing into another. Its simple though. In the end one is free to interpret anything into everything. The music simply provides a narrative to help it out a little. On a side-note would I suggest that this DJ Genki Dharma issue was a real one. At least for me, ... focusing on the "this is Big Bro, taking over the show" track; Which to me at first seemed like it is one 'they' provided as an example of what I did, making it look like it doesn't fit in with the rest. While however "starting" the Neverending Story show with it there's something of a ... 'lock' on them tracks. Tracks that I made - which I say since I suppose that they might have upgraded some to generate a greater disparity between my and their story.
16: I have to say that Nosferatu was creeping up on my mind frequently. This time I did it, and yea - without its audio but we got back around to that later and it was awesome. I had watched the Witch just shortly prior and since also had an urge to write about it and also to feature it on the Matrix Phenomenon. I was in-deed looking for specific moments, though rather trying to also not really spoil the whole movie. So, it was a bit like hit or miss. What bothered me was that there are previews when moving onto the timeline. Though sometimes when skipping around in the matrix I'm looking for specific moments that I eventually miss; I find it extremely distracting when I can see exactly where I'm going. What I didn't know ... but suspected ... kindof happened. The moment where the boy dies for instance. I couldn't know that some DMX track would play round about there - but I yet expected it since it would make sense. It turned out differently than I expected, but yea. To the ending, well. Its a bit confusing - but I think what works out fine is the interpretation of ... well. Taken slowly: In the matrix there's the confusion that arises from the idea of being the bad guy that in a different context I were Neo. And me doing these things 'wrongly' would make Smith the threat - like ... representing my mental illness. This is essentially circumvented by 'the Witch' since here we can manifest - as per context - me for the Witch and her dad for the bad guy. Who gets his final blow as Smith disintegrates, while the first blow co-incides with Neo being hit. Its a two in one thing thats hard to sort out I guess and this difficulty persists in what was to follow.
There is the Pandra scene where the issue stands that "this female Character" takes over the form of Neo. That would be the first explicit moment I think where the "we are the bad guys" concept is "hijacked". The loss of this 'hijack' would also co-incide with the Machines gaining ground in Zion which so firther tightens ... "the Witch construct". Lets call it that way. Or not. I feel like my suggestions never make it. Anyhow ...
Being a little bit clueless after 'this is the end' - which was kindof projected like an end to the struggles - ... oh. The end to revolutions with the Witch in the background was kindof eerie. Wasn't it? Anyhow. So I went back to Genki Dharma to get closure on this within the Matrix and ... also with some Hentai. As it stands it could be reviewed as a game of chances - although because I do it, it isn't quite that. The point was simply to see what'd happen - and I surmise that it stands as based on the Witch Construct that this 'Darkness' may now stand.
For me 16 was simply 'announced' in a way that I would do Porn, but I still wasn't into it right away. But as that truth in me gained ground I was more and more comfortable with it. The Conan thing also gave me some strength and in this supposed Chaos of interpretations (although there's the cone thing) is a clear "I can do this, and you?" thing. Just so as a hint at what the "game" actually is about. This ... me vs. them thing. Which should be important as we're getting deeper into the rabbits hole.
Then at some point we got to the "final take-over" with this amazing Smith appearance where Neo got turned ... sotospeak ... into a Angel Blade (Punish) Character. Which then also allowed me, to my self, although yet in hindsight, be more into porn. So in 16-4 I started with no porn and gradually turned into porn until we have that Urotsukidoji Event which hypes up the Witch Construct to the point thats fitting to what I've written about Clarity.
17: I gave it 3 revolutions so the Matrix could comment on that - sotospeak. Once again however expanding on the Witch Construct, where ... I would point onto Katsunis Bride scene in Pornochic 12 as a very decisive moment. To my surprise was the last revolution more about my Gender - to basically put an emphasis onto my own position. So, pussy over cock - while, the thing with the long kiss goodbye to last for a lifetime is sortof what I've been expecting as well; Though I generally found it to be problematic to write about it.
Was I missing something in 16? Well. The Illuminati, Bond and Werner thing maybe. A funny segment on probabilities I suppose. And for Bond ... getting a bit of a Deathpool (breaking the 4th wall?) thing going. I can't look into it - as to whether the tracks also still line up with the rest of Illuminati. But since the Bond segment was a bit iffy at times I suppose so. Its a question ... whether, or how much, the tracks follow me or are fixed. I'd say ... "its all in the Matrix".
Well, anyhow - also true for 17 the 'rape' issue was touched. Not that anyone with a brain would suggest otherwise, but rape clearly is bad; Though not in all circumstances. Well, it isn't where its consensual. Its a stupidly simple issue, but yea - it keeps on coming up and gets kicked out as well. So in 17-3 finally we have it that the rape issue is brought to a climax due to some Hentai flick thats really explicit - and gets treated miraculously well through two Stargate episodes. One where O'Neill and Carter end up in Antarctica (the Gate switch) and the other where this business guy clones an Asgard. Once saying that we can take the movie as the Asgard without consciousness and make it host to an Asgard consciousness. We can look at it both ways, sotosay. In the one way its clearly bad - in the other we can look at it but have to be careful. Well, its ... corrupted either way. In the bad way it imposes the justification that it'd be good for both of them - which in turn would be the argument on the good end but we'd criticize the conduct. The gate switch is just another way of saying that. There are two possible stances.
And yea. For the question for whether the Matrix Phenomenon could further expand on the Witch Construct without Porn, the answer was Married with Children! And fun fact - Kelly Bundy, fashion wise, has been one of my idols back in the days where the show was on Air. "Prototype".
Hmm, regarding Stargate there's also the Reese thing. Its a bit edgy/iffy, but it still sortof expands on the Witch Construct.

So, with all that it so has happened that in the Me vs. Them issue the Matrix has shifted in my favor; As the situation so is that whenever the Matrix is positive on them Heros it goes to confirm me in my nature; Thus ... making it so that if they were to claim that hero role furtheron it goes on to turn them into Bitches.

What we can expect is another Married with Children segment, because ... 17-2 crashed at some point projecting that, ... while else we can look at it like a Prophecy - thinking of my Prophetic function being that of doing the Matrix thing rather than writing of what I believe in; Where the confirmation of my clarity gives me a strong leeway as for all the things that go into that. Otherwise one might go to look at it as a simple reflection about what I believe in, free of right or wrong, ... and as that is a stance that can be maintained no matter what we're back at the original problem. Who is who, what and why? And all that.


Although I see nothing in this world that should make me feel any confident ... I still ... perceive other things in the realm of the spirit, motions, whatever - suggesting that they are at an end. The line in the sand has turned into a canyon. They would be upset because according to them, I'd be supposed to pick stuff to go in their favor - making me wonder: How? One issue is that even if it so happened just to give you an example of how it could look - they wouldn't take it as an example. I suppose. Probably causing 'an escalating probability of disaster'. Or something like that. If the Matrix so stays persistent on not making such 'for instance' things "anymore" - staying on its course - gives it a way to be more than just a fancy phenomenon. Or, as what the Phenomenon implies, being a ... while still factually profane but yet ... "interesting" thing. I mean ... we can't break the rules here - and it all stands on what you imply as how this whole thing works and comes together. And the more "sacred" it so becomes by keeping a straight line, the more "profane" is also turns out to be to those that don't want to or yet can't see it the other way.


So the issue of thinking of a message within the Matrix Phenomenon is a bit iffy, although certainly inevitable beyond a certain point. Else there wouldn't really much of a point to keep going aside of simple repetition and consequential growth. Which is I think where I default back to; Although I'm now basically stuck between more options than just three movies.

At the point of thinking of a message the lucky thing is however that the messages the Matrix can provide are indirect. The black and white vintage movie in 17-3 for instance portrays, at some point, some journey which we again can project as going into two directions. One good, the other bad. And at that point we're basically back, in all simplicity, at what a movie is or can be there for. Simple reflection. And at that the issue stands that it says what I said - thinking of our freedom, of tolerance, of progress - along this ... blurry line of morality and ethics. Which to me is really one of the most important things at all. As the whole of my clarity story implies anyway. Its not as simple as "Sexual Harassment" vs "Freedom of Speech". I mean - just thinking about it ... makes me feel more stupid. How is that even a 'vs'? OK, it is. But what is the accuser demanding? Thats the pivotal problem. We need a cultural change - while - more to the point, if being more dramatic, rooting out the bad from the good. But how do we do that? In John Olivers piece he interviewed that lady, ... and she wouldn't see the problems solution at changing the woman. And while I can see the truth in that, I can also see the flaw in that. Its as with mobbing. Guys are getting mobbed - but what can they do other than learning how to deal with it? Its a great conversation to be virtue signaling - but none on which we could make actual progress. Its always going to be about censorship vs. freedom of speech - or otherwise tyranny vs "democracy" in the broadest sense. Later down the line we'd have to wonder about which way 'we' would wanna go. Sacrifice Democracy because it failed or improve upon our values of what Democracy should truly mean - going the other direction.

And at the core of it, this conversation is so far apart from the contemporary common sense vision that insanity rules in behalf of virtue signals that the average person is conditioned to support because most people are decent people!

Its all about taking a personal stance, but one has to be careful about whom to stand on an issue with. In lots of ways can one stand with me - and although I'm not directly supporting any SJW items one can see how doing so would support those core interests. Although practically we still see the more important issues on the Anti_SJW side. They can so more easily stand on my side, but with the very same issues also stand on a completely opposed one. Further: While it seems that I stand with rape and misogyny, nobody should stand on my side; But when learning where the line is drawn, I don't stand with rape and misogyny in that sense yet fiercely against it - so nobody should stand opposed to me on that one actually. Because simply are there things that would seem sexist that shouldn't be regarded as that. Like ... (humor on, "somehow") 'having a penis'.

"Amen, my words into Gods ear" ... well, last time I checked ... thats what we say ... isn't it?


Else, ... well. I ... it seems like I should write about last nights dream I had. Which ... coincides with another thing. I mentioned that I get primed somehow before I have interviews; And since then things sortof changed a little. Now there is this odd thing that told me that in three weeks from now or whatever I'd say that I no longer am a Slut.
Well, in tonights dream I started playing Ark again and there was a building that I deconstructed which apparently belonged to my first big Love, Anna. Anyway. It got a lot more crowded and at some point there was a bit of an issue about her and me eventually getting along again somehow. Somehow playing into this Love idea, that she and I might get together again. So there were emotions around in the dream that I'm not having in reality; Though I suppose if I were in the same room with her ... who knows?
I mean - as far as I'm concerned I suffer some Stress Disorder to which she isn't without relevance. And to totally spin this out of ... thing ... there's the totally other issue of my Kinks being manipulations of some sort. Or, my Kinks/Clarity being actually a symptom of me secretly loving ... who to me would be the Antichrist. The ending of Kill Bill, where Bill expresses his disability to believe Beatrix comes to mind there too.
This on the other end is present to me by an attitude that would want to make me believe that connected to a layer of ... something ... that, well, ... suggests him as a gentle person to me. Its like a mantle. It isn't there always, but sometimes it wraps around my core and comes with this picture of him resting his hands on my shoulder - appearing all strong and supportive. And thats a problem to me. The Matrix so far went to put it as "we're just good friends". Making it clear that the freak in me is satisfied by the great Manitu personally. "By the way". Where the Antichrist would instead go to hijack my expressions of that relationship and imply that he's the one they're aiming at.
The situation is simply so: Technically I could fall for him/them by starting to value what they put upon me as impressions of them. They could go as far as trying to make me believe that these impressions are symptoms of a suppressed Love. Or you. Trying to make you believe that, or such.
The problem there is that the things which so happen to be apparently good are actually functionally evil.

"Basta!"

The ring of Fire

General StuffPosted by Nicole Wed, July 25, 2018 14:54:14
[Complex Stress Disorder]


Today I learned about myself that the reason why I couldn't see my paranoid schizophrenia as that, is that I suffer something more complicated and have learned to ignore my problems away. Understanding that I feel fine, I would sit on this idea and go on, pretending that there's nothing wrong with me. But today we had a class where I had to ponder upon my symptoms of depression; And initially I didn't find much. I was confused, having noted nothing, regarding what I was to understand as depression. But so I began noting, and I realized that my problems can be sorted into packages, all somehow under the hat of depression. So, there's the symbol of a traffic light. Red, Yellow and Green. Red are the main symptoms, Yellow for first indications and Green for what I regard as healthy. I believe I have written of this extensively enough - where, I realized, in this frame, that others had far more concrete ideas. Specific symptoms to specific occasions. I just had bullet points, vastly without connection to "reality" yet.

So, "cluelessness" is without connection whereas "underweight" is with connection.

I so wouldn't say that I have suicide thoughts because I don't plan on killing myself; Thus regarding what I have in forms of suicidal thoughts as not worth mentioning. But by fact they are still there.


The greatest problem yet is the one described recently, here/therein only noted as "deep scheming, heavy heart, sadness". The Anti-Depressives sortof acted like a glue, while what remained is to be described as a ring of fire. Its like an eclipse. The Anti-Depressives covering the dark sadness which here and there blaze beyond it like a corona.

And so I also find myself far more vulnerable or weak than I would have admitted.


I had to unearth a lot of myself - as though I inwardly covered myself in rubbles - while "classically" the first things I did in all this time was to get into my 'hobby' from a distance. I've so begun to code again while I also invented this:


new set of glyphs. Its something about how I assume something spiritual works.

Is farming (in Video Games) an Antichristian activity?

General StuffPosted by Nicole Tue, July 24, 2018 20:06:11

[Mental Constitution, Paranoid Schizophrenia]


I think every gamer has found him or herself in that situation where doing a bit of grinding to get some edge was a thing. I remember back in the days playing Super Mario World on the SNES collecting One-Ups for the road ahead. Now I'm somehow reminded about Duke Nukem 64 where my Brother and I once played Deathmatch just to get to some ridiculously high kill count.

Later there were MMOs; And I never played one prior to my "Ascension". Well, the idea of farming or grinding however left a bit of a foul taste in my mouth. Yet I think I would differentiate between different kinds. Still, the idea of farming or grinding left a bad taste as it would give someone a ... "foul" advantage within the game based on silly, mundane repetition.

And right away an image formed in my mind. Someone with a lot of stuff getting the admiration of passers by and being at that a social magnet who further would be able to help others on and that how start some sort of social engagement which ... well ... I would be left out of I guess. I have some sort of a memory ... where this "friend" ... that "Angel Guy" ... was talking to me while something like Napster was opened on his Computer, telling me that thats how he's gonna beat me. I wonder ... .

So however the constitution on my mind - or - things, when given shape that way, start to make a little more sense. Where-ever I would be, I'd have some strange concept of being outside of the loop. A concept filled with strange stories about me that draw me for crazy or something. And I guess I played that part well.


Its hard to say. How I should think about it. I however also noticed a strange shift amongst the Mormon community where I got baptized after some point in time. It was as though someone came in and told them weird shit, that I'm this or that, and from there on ... well. I was of course not to know anything. Its hard to say whether all that is just paranoia. "Schizophrenic Paranoia", or uh ... "Paranoid Schizophrenia". I guess thats what the official diagnosis has been so far. I certainly fit that bill though.

I don't like to admit it, thinking that it doesn't affect me. And well, I do happen to have stories where the Paranoia was actually warranted. Else I would have to believe in this magical world where no harm comes upon anyone. Where theft and all those things don't exist. And I can't do that!

In theory schizophrenia could very well just be the name of a symptom which much more is the consequence of minds with a certain sensitivity. A sensitivity which in the social chaos of today simply causes weird issues - I suppose - hence we might label those "psychosis'". Yet not to be forgotten is the general idea of strange dopamine imbalances. Perhaps dopamine also has something to do with that sensitivity. Maybe passively - produced as the mind starts to make experiences in this realm that this sensitivity senses. I guess, to be more objective, that those experiences would cause all sorts of "regular reactions". Anxiety for instance. However while not produced in the physically tangible they would seem ... unexplainable.

Or drug induced.


However. The disbelief that any of my "paranoid perceptions" turns out to be real is like a big black wall that further even repels me. Hence whenever I get to points like these where I've "spoken aloud" about what turns me inside I have troubles acknowledging it. In a way, ... I would rather hide to not see things confirmed. Every once in a while I however also noticed things that just fell right into place as a confirmation, but ... I couldn't give any examples. Anyhow - I had to realize that my general memory only reaches back 3 days. Whats past for more than that is naught but a distant memory.

So I'm well confined within my paranoid little mindset - shutting my eyes tight to not see the enemy and try things anyway.

Sometimes its hard for me to believe that there is no such thing as a giant underground network; As it simply constitutes a huge chunk of what I supposedly recognize as whats going on around me. Or wherever.

Its also the only explanation for how certain things I do would be known in the way I would think. That there is something as a ghost-version of this site. Thinking so I would get upset and be like "why can I not know?" - but as I however would arrive at def ears I might as well just be crazy.

Its however a tough nut for me to crack. Its like ... I can't have traffic. Its just not a thing. ... I know it. And the statistics show. Yet, ... somehow ... things seem to ooze through. And that how I guess I need to be sure that it is ... Schizophrenia.

Well, ... not entirely

General StuffPosted by Nicole Wed, July 18, 2018 18:40:05

[Anti-Depressives vs Clarity]


But true ... that I, uh - well. The thing is that Anti-Depressives did sortof change something. I've gotten them since yesterday morning and that just for the morning and its yet still just a small dose. Yet ... I'm surprised by the effect. I'm not feeling perfectly fine, but, that may be more due to tobacco and coke abuse. (Coca Cola Coke). And its weird. As expected from the basis of the situation. There are things that to me are inevitably true - inevitably tied to my identity and that so before, by and within God and all that. But certain things 'were' strange. To pick up on something that bothered me before I ... "got kicked into darkness" ... there was some kind of fire. The lady I've had a crush into at the time was somehow a catalyst to it. My sexual ... "planning" got thrown into chaos and I was confused between submission and dominance. So was there a kind of fire as a male emotion of dominance; And I wondered if I could experience that with her. She was OK with it, but that was just before I ... had to leave. I wonder ... . I ... sometimes think I shouldn't have left. Maybe. Though usually I think it was the right way to go.

And well, so within the Dark I would have my own likes and sometimes some ... weird "draft" into the extreme. And the feelings, well. The Anti-Depressives block them, or something about it. I can't really find that state of self-depression anymore, while now I get to wonder. I wonder ... as ... in regards to that first big crush I had where I weeped myself into sleep. And also later with J.Lo. I had an addiction there. Self-pity in a sense. The weeping made me feel comfortable - and instead of just seeing the Love I craved for what it was, ... absurd or something thats just bad, or whatever, ... I sought those moments of sadness. And maybe thats still in there. A subconscious attachment to that something that would make me feel well.

As usual there is no 'clear' end to the story. The bondage elements are still in tact and glowy, albeit some minor shifts or changes are recognizable. Well, as it has to be I guess. The general idea is probably still there - so for the minds to play with - even some of the more extreme bondage kinks; But yea ... some core of sadness has somehow vanished. I mean, ... plugged. And I feel better now - and right now wouldn't want to get rid of them (Anti-Depressives).

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