General StuffPosted by Nicole Tue, July 24, 2018 20:06:11
[Mental Constitution, Paranoid Schizophrenia
I think every gamer has found him or herself in that situation where doing a bit of grinding to get some edge was a thing. I remember back in the days playing Super Mario World on the SNES collecting One-Ups for the road ahead. Now I'm somehow reminded about Duke Nukem 64 where my Brother and I once played Deathmatch just to get to some ridiculously high kill count.
Later there were MMOs; And I never played one prior to my "Ascension". Well, the idea of farming or grinding however left a bit of a foul taste in my mouth. Yet I think I would differentiate between different kinds. Still, the idea of farming or grinding left a bad taste as it would give someone a ... "foul" advantage within the game based on silly, mundane repetition.
And right away an image formed in my mind. Someone with a lot of stuff getting the admiration of passers by and being at that a social magnet who further would be able to help others on and that how start some sort of social engagement which ... well ... I would be left out of I guess. I have some sort of a memory ... where this "friend" ... that "Angel Guy" ... was talking to me while something like Napster was opened on his Computer, telling me that thats how he's gonna beat me. I wonder ... .
So however the constitution on my mind - or - things, when given shape that way, start to make a little more sense. Where-ever I would be, I'd have some strange concept of being outside of the loop. A concept filled with strange stories about me that draw me for crazy or something. And I guess I played that part well.
Its hard to say. How I should think about it. I however also noticed a strange shift amongst the Mormon community where I got baptized after some point in time. It was as though someone came in and told them weird shit, that I'm this or that, and from there on ... well. I was of course not to know anything. Its hard to say whether all that is just paranoia. "Schizophrenic Paranoia", or uh ... "Paranoid Schizophrenia". I guess thats what the official diagnosis has been so far. I certainly fit that bill though.
I don't like to admit it, thinking that it doesn't affect me. And well, I do happen to have stories where the Paranoia was actually warranted. Else I would have to believe in this magical world where no harm comes upon anyone. Where theft and all those things don't exist. And I can't do that!
In theory schizophrenia could very well just be the name of a symptom which much more is the consequence of minds with a certain sensitivity. A sensitivity which in the social chaos of today simply causes weird issues - I suppose - hence we might label those "psychosis'". Yet not to be forgotten is the general idea of strange dopamine imbalances. Perhaps dopamine also has something to do with that sensitivity. Maybe passively - produced as the mind starts to make experiences in this realm that this sensitivity senses. I guess, to be more objective, that those experiences would cause all sorts of "regular reactions". Anxiety for instance. However while not produced in the physically tangible they would seem ... unexplainable.
Or drug induced.
However. The disbelief that any of my "paranoid perceptions" turns out to be real is like a big black wall that further even repels me. Hence whenever I get to points like these where I've "spoken aloud" about what turns me inside I have troubles acknowledging it. In a way, ... I would rather hide to not see things confirmed. Every once in a while I however also noticed things that just fell right into place as a confirmation, but ... I couldn't give any examples. Anyhow - I had to realize that my general memory only reaches back 3 days. Whats past for more than that is naught but a distant memory.
So I'm well confined within my paranoid little mindset - shutting my eyes tight to not see the enemy and try things anyway.
Sometimes its hard for me to believe that there is no such thing as a giant underground network; As it simply constitutes a huge chunk of what I supposedly recognize as whats going on around me. Or wherever.
Its also the only explanation for how certain things I do would be known in the way I would think. That there is something as a ghost-version of this site. Thinking so I would get upset and be like "why can I not know?" - but as I however would arrive at def ears I might as well just be crazy.
Its however a tough nut for me to crack. Its like ... I can't have traffic. Its just not a thing. ... I know it. And the statistics show. Yet, ... somehow ... things seem to ooze through. And that how I guess I need to be sure that it is ... Schizophrenia.
General StuffPosted by Nicole Wed, July 18, 2018 18:40:05
[Anti-Depressives vs Clarity
But true ... that I, uh - well. The thing is that Anti-Depressives did sortof change something. I've gotten them since yesterday morning and that just for the morning and its yet still just a small dose. Yet ... I'm surprised by the effect. I'm not feeling perfectly fine, but, that may be more due to tobacco and coke abuse. (Coca Cola Coke). And its weird. As expected from the basis of the situation. There are things that to me are inevitably true - inevitably tied to my identity and that so before, by and within God and all that. But certain things 'were' strange. To pick up on something that bothered me before I ... "got kicked into darkness" ... there was some kind of fire. The lady I've had a crush into at the time was somehow a catalyst to it. My sexual ... "planning" got thrown into chaos and I was confused between submission and dominance. So was there a kind of fire as a male emotion of dominance; And I wondered if I could experience that with her. She was OK with it, but that was just before I ... had to leave. I wonder ... . I ... sometimes think I shouldn't have left. Maybe. Though usually I think it was the right way to go.
And well, so within the Dark I would have my own likes and sometimes some ... weird "draft" into the extreme. And the feelings, well. The Anti-Depressives block them, or something about it. I can't really find that state of self-depression anymore, while now I get to wonder. I wonder ... as ... in regards to that first big crush I had where I weeped myself into sleep. And also later with J.Lo. I had an addiction there. Self-pity in a sense. The weeping made me feel comfortable - and instead of just seeing the Love I craved for what it was, ... absurd or something thats just bad, or whatever, ... I sought those moments of sadness. And maybe thats still in there. A subconscious attachment to that something that would make me feel well.
As usual there is no 'clear' end to the story. The bondage elements are still in tact and glowy, albeit some minor shifts or changes are recognizable. Well, as it has to be I guess. The general idea is probably still there - so for the minds to play with - even some of the more extreme bondage kinks; But yea ... some core of sadness has somehow vanished. I mean, ... plugged. And I feel better now - and right now wouldn't want to get rid of them (Anti-Depressives).
General StuffPosted by Nicole Wed, July 18, 2018 12:19:36
On account of the previous messages on Astair and notes of Trans-sexuality there's something missing. And right now the comments of Smith within Bane to Trinity come to mind. For me that means that I should start with them voices. I would say there are three types, excluding 'the voice of God' which can take the shape of all three and is to be excluded because ... because. On note on that though - as I understand, God restricts Himself to what we would understand as e-motes. Even so that one time where I heard it really clearly, it only said as much as "You know that I'm here for you". Those three types further segment into two categories. There's the two one might associate to Schizophrenia and the rest I would simplify as "the inner voice(es)". For the other two, lets call the one 'loud' and the other 'resonant'. Loud means, its ... we could also call it resonant when judging by my experience and the 'resonant' one loud, but ... per se the 'loud' one seems to be resonant in that it appears to be echos in the shape of fragments following "auditory experience". It could be a stressed mind dealing with the desire to have quiet. I had it twice, or more. But in two separate scenarios. The one was from playing Ark with my Brother and Friends and I also smoked a lot of weed; And as I sought to sleep those echoes sat kindof in my head and drove me nuts for a while. Like I still had the plug in my ear - and I guess I was bothered by how deeply ... attached or connected I was to my Brother. So by trying to push him away, inwardly, it would seem that some bits tried to remain as deep and that then emerged in the form of voices. No clear words, just echoes. The other time was shortly thereafter playing Dark Souls with my friend Martin. Its a similar situation there judging from my insides only that the reason why I sought silence was different.
Its sometimes all in all difficult for me to socialize. Going by time and interests.
The 'resonant' ones are ... well. I wouldn't really call them voices, but ... they are words. Leaving astair aside I would suggest that they are paranoid outgrowths of personality issues. Like so they would tell me that I suck when playing a game, for instance. Its hard for me to put a finger on them. Could be that the mind craves some kind of response to certain things and eventually ends up making them up for itself.
When it now comes to Astair I would generally ignore the presence of voices and by now I think the best way to start with it is to speak about the transfer of emotions. It would seem to me that it is possible to basically suck emotions out of someone. I so had it that upon the promise of getting my own apartment soon that I was enthusiastic. Soon thereafter someone else here also had an outlook of sorts and got excited as I slowly lost mine.
The question at the core is I think that of thoughts themselves. I so had to think about the differences between what Antichristians believe as I think it and how I think things are for real. And that came along with various impressions of how Antichristians work with the thing I just described earlier.
What is clear to me is that first of all we have a way of producing "that whatever" could be taken. And because our minds in a way also follow these things - well, a positive mood can get us going while a negative one gets us stuck. So I can reproduce my enthusiasm but because the absence thereof rendered certain ideas as possibly wrong, those wrongs stop me from really recreating it. Its ... not really clear to me.
Be it as it may - not being bothered too much with these details I would look at the bigger picture. Well, I would so think that we produce "clouds" of sorts - and ... as I believe that whatever happens there is tied to its own physics I don't really believe that those events are perfectly natural - alas: true to the nature of the spirit. But its ambiguous. If we for instance try to think of thoughts and that it were with them as with these clouds - we must wonder how we are connected to them. So, in the "bad" vision which I cannot really debunk yet, the idea is that any produced thought is as much as an independent object. And as we created it so, it can freely move around the cosmos - well - provided there's a respective force to move it as much. So would a mind have a certain diameter within which it holds the capability of doing so.
A step towards 'debunking' or "debunking" this I am looking at the system that produces these thoughts. There's one side that's as we might say 'more in the subconscious' that eventually creates thoughts imbued with a certain "glory" - and that is that which makes it visible as so making it an object. Because our mind is 'systematically tied into' producing it, there's always some remainder no matter what happens to it. Also so with the clouds. An experience or memory. But we can forget. How that happens is still a mystery to me, partially, and eventually the key to this puzzle.
Well, I've thought of it frequently - simply because ... well, I have reasons to do so. After all I on the one side have impressions that me saying that I was John the Beloved creates some expectations in me while on the other I know that I was born without memories. And yet here and there I have that "gut feeling" or ... "subjective confidence" or whatever in certain things. Respectively is it said that people can recover from Amnesia - so that I have to believe that all we lack when loosing a memory or thought is the energy it once had. And upon looking at something familiar, memories are created that then eventually connect back to 'forgotten' ones. And in this sense I think it to be fairly reasonable to believe that this Astair thing is mostly about some Energy that connects to our minds.
Regarding my Trans-sexuality I believe that the Antichristians know that I'm Trans because they tried it and saw the result; And since then try to convince me of the opposite while also keeping me confused by mixing things up a little every now and then.
A reason might be that my gender could be my way of rebelling against God. That I so would come to prefer my male presence and get upset about God turning me into a pussy.
The shrinking of my fat-layer might be connected to this. As of that I would also say that there are two types of Trans people. Those that get their support and those that don't. #JezebelOhJezebel. With a bit of fantasy and some "common" knowledge of certain things one might fathom where this might be going. #ThePatriarchy.
As for a conclusion I would draw the intended function of this Astair as in-deed a little bit confusing or chaotic. I would picture society - in the grand - as a carousel. While some people would always push the boundaries, others would be leaning back and within the back and forth of common and new ideas, people evolve and find their ways. As so there is no right and wrong per se. Whenever something new comes up, how else could we be liking it? Maybe the truth has always been there deep within us - maybe so through a bridge of some fantastic belief - but still we grow and learn of new things and shape and refine ourselves accordingly.
Therefore I have a strong reason to believe in such a thing as the substantial identity. Based on reason. I either way have based on my experience - though, I so found it hard to express it so. I would say that I happen to be the way I am mostly due to experiences of past lives. That I've been baked there and certain things of course carry over. That I so am not who I was is irrelevant because I still happen to be. It may be a pity that I lost X and Y, but for once its all still known by God and for what matters - those thing were irrelevant. Mostly. I guess.
And yet there isn't really a right or wrong - I think. There only is truth - I would or should say - which more than just 'right' or 'wrong' determines the ... "probability" of certain things to be. Like so am I free to just say "Nah, I wanna be male" - but is it likely that I would? Impossible? I would say no - not impossible. But ... undesirable. Of course one could put work into it and yet make it so - but that to me stinks for wrong! Its not what I want! And the only 'why' me being Trans-sexual isn't truly right is because there is no right or wrong in that! There's just ... good and bad? And thats a complex story of its own.
General StuffPosted by Nicole Thu, July 05, 2018 21:47:47
During my recent episode, the C-PTSD one, I've had to dig through a lot of mud. And during that I've had to think of a couple of other, basically unrelated things. Like so - "Psychiatry Episodes" from certain franchises. I remember the one in Stargate Atlantis and the one in Sanctuary. Well, the one in Sanctuary isn't quite that. For what they're worth - to me it used to be about reality. Knowing who or what you are, also: What reality actually is like - and not listening to the bullshit of others ... that maybe do but also maybe do NOT know things any better.
I've done what I could - being honest, speaking it out, ... while after all being really melancholically sad in some way. Struggling about what I should do. Melancholic about myself and the realization that befell me.
The final outcome is however not the projected one; Just yet anyhow. What actually bothered me was less the decision, but the truth of what I would recognize as the actually persistent disorder. A disorder I mayhap wouldn't recognize because of certain expectations implanted into my by this world. As, right at the start of this all, ... so prejudices.
But well, ... woe ..., before I'm loosing my head here - ... uh, what can I do?
I so went home from wednesday to thursday, and during that time the problem sortof went away. I had time to spend on things that actually bothered me priority wise; As some time in Street Fighter and Dark Souls. Getting them Uploads done, ... getting some of the real old stuff on my PS4s Hard-drive sorted out and getting started with them Dark Souls Videos.
So, what I did there was actually ... whats the word ... what people do with traumatic experiences, where they ignore it, then forget about it and eventually it comes back to haunt them. Which is basically my whole problem with that disorder. Maybe. Well, in a sense at least. I would try to get my head into things that would make me forget. In the beginning all that mayhap just cause I lacked anyone to actually socialize with. Which, ... could be related but is more of a circumstantial thing anyhow. But so the experienced freedom from being away from 'my past' behoofed me to aspire greatness, while any meeting with my family dragged me down. I would then need time to digest all that; And by the time I'd be ready - another month had gone by.
While I now would suggest that the solution is for me to find a way into independence independently, there also is the threat of just knowing the issue and facing it. However.
Now, yea - so. One item on mind here is the contrast between ... 'bad' psychology and 'good' psychology. The bad way being pretty much the idea or assumption that once someone suffers a disorder, the entire mind of that individual is practically sick and following the rhetorical outlines of given set of problematic issues. But, ... I'm gonna stop that right here.
More to the point however should it be emphasized that problems like Schizophrenia at least for the sake of argument also exist on a spectrum. And beyond a certain threshold we'd speak of actual Schizophrenia. In that sense, not having Schizophrenia so doesn't say that things that do help against Schizophrenia won't help you in a way. (Yes, "duh" does gender exist on a spectrum, if we stay at it that 'sex' is the biological thing. ...).
We can so conclude that when we seriously speak of a mental health disorder, that an individuals 'natural systems of control' are somehow dysfunctional. "Duh". So, while it is said that certain mental health issues imply that a person for instance tends to make things up, one can only safely start to distrust a person once it evidently does so. Otherwise, ... well, ... life can be crazy at times! Now with CRISPR we can't even be sure whether someone 'really' saw a Unicorn or not. Uh, although - being 'open minded' might include that we should believe it 'anyhow' - yea, but then we can also believe in the flying Spaghetti Monster because "why not?".
So yea, the ... line is narrow. And blurry.
At this point ... I need to mention Placebos. Some of the staff here recently hinted out ... speaking about personal health care rights and wrongs ... that for some people Neuroleptica don't work. Now I'm first of all reminded of how it is with weed. Some get depressed from it - so they obviously aren't going to be much into it. I for myself approached the treatment with Neuroleptica like I approach smoking weed - which might be entirely and most utterly different from how other potheads approach smoking weed. Whatever the case did I so come to formulate a suggestion. One who so doubts the effects of Neuroleptica would so come to create something like "Antibodies" - somehow watching whats going on in the mind ... and while the mind isn't 100% biological somehow diverting its effectiveness; While the thing might very well yet do what its supposed to do.
To put that into a proper perspective, according to me, on the other hand we have Placebos. In my idea the way they work is that first of all the individual needs to have an inner, mental/pyschological/spiritual understanding of the disease as to a point where it might derive the supposed antidote to it - should it be psychically resolvable. Then the placebo is introduced and through the belief in it being the right antidote the individual subconsciously diverts its 'belief' into the right channels and thus resolves the problem mentally.
And similarly I should have been able to help myself out of my dilemma. Like if I see that I play too much Video Games and worry that I play too much Video Games the obvious resolve is to play less Video Games. If the problem is more complex I could skip that and move on to the next reason to my problems that I see. For me that used to be 'something else'. Something thats missing - and so the idea of getting 'picked up' would provide me with the possibility of having other pillars in my life which would shift the way I spend my time in a good way. And thats a perfectly reasonable assumption considering that we're social beings. Now, learning to eat again and spending my energy in a good way - thats something I've begun to learn here.
And thats ... in about it. So, left is the issue with Anti-Placebos. Well ... maybe there's a better word. I remember two occasions during my stay in Los Angeles that would bestow me with material to fuel worries and fears for some time to come. The one thing was a guy that I never saw before who got at me the one night I slept in Pershing Square. He had a glass or bag full of pennies and told me that he was my brother. He then told me that he'd give me money from those pennies to get a ride back to the shelter where I was at; And some crazy conditions alongside that I don't really remember anymore. The other guy was someone ... I'm not even sure if I asked him or whether he offered it to me - but it was about a cigarette. He told me he was a demon or an angel or something and that there would be a cost to it. Now - the way I recall it I both times was reluctant to accept their offering, but then they turned it around, making it acceptable. That Demon guy meant something about a weird feeling in my left foot - like a hoof - and it would somehow continue to bother me until some time, I don't know - possibly mentioning it at a point like this. Not sure. However - the thing is that this feeling was there and as the memory of what actually happened blurred out I could worry that I agreed to an unreasonable deal. Its still there, sometimes. Whenever I think about it.
By the way, that Angel Demon guy said that it will soon be over with Los Angeles. "^^"(??) That was 2006 by the way. Could he have told the truth?
But yea, ... make of this what you will! Or would. Or whatever. Peace!
General StuffPosted by Nicole Tue, July 03, 2018 21:05:04
Well, on further inspection it sure ain't some Borderline disorder that I have. I think my symptoms are too tame for that. If on a scale from 1 to 10 8 were like the threshold, or anyhow, I'm more of a 0.1. Bipolarity on the other hand, ... well, ... I don't really get 'depressed' - and actually would generalize Bipolarity as ... "artists Disease". There's just that kind of work that requires some amount of immersion, isn't the regular ... morning to evening type of thing. Ideas come when they come ... though, in contrast to how I lived before I got into this clinic, ... I'd say I've certainly overdone it to my detriment. That so as since I'm here have gained and taken distance to my own 'work' or "work" - consciously trying to more so inch my way back in by doing things that aren't really as demanding and would later help me to have things easier. Well, its ... either way ... also part of the plan. What I've been looking forward to, what I thought or felt like being unable to do at the time ... . Usually I'd say that I don't have enough space to unfold. Doing the paperwork first, thinking things out beforehand. Maybe also due to paranoia, but that paranoia then would usually get confirmed as I'd find myself unable to think. To do what I'd want to.
I think - to assume I have some bipolarity disorder - the phases so far always had some buffering. Either way my activity would dominate my daily life and whether I be manic or depressed ("depressed") wouldn't truly matter. I would put it in quotation marks because I've had a deep depression which I've seen going away since I outed myself. But, ... well, I think I now understand a bit better where the buts to that would be coming from.
So, arguing that BPD comes with problems of associating or developing a personality - is however nonsense. If I have BPD, I even more so have C-PTSD and regarding that ... there's been some hiatus today. Whether its just in my head or not, ... doesn't matter. It just appears to be more difficult now to actually ... say it out loud and ... I worry that it wouldn't even be taken seriously.
Well, the way that "it" started ... was that at some point today some thoughts about it came into my head. Be it doubts, or just some 'wind' blowing that way, ... I'm not really sure anymore but ... at some point I'd "throw" a link to what I'd be most worried about ... which in this very case is the leash. And as I found it somehow fallen into "those" hands I tore it back out and thats where the drama began. At the end I'd think that they are more keen on 'holding' it than I thought. Really desperate. And the moment I'd leave it out of my sight, they'd fetch it so that the next moment I look its back there. As for the 'real' consequences, ... I simply feel weak to resist them. Or so the issue of keeping my family at a distance.
With all those things running through my head I could certainly appear depressed - or whatever it is that bipolarity has on the other side of the mania. More thoughtful, withdrawn. Its so a back and forth between things that distract one sufficiently enough from those problems and the 'awakening' to the matters that are nonetheless unresolved.
And the more inwardly stressed I am by those things, the more ... it also 'bleeds out' into the visible. As I might so find myself with a rather angry expression on my face while I'm so struggling about a thing, growing necessarily angry, mad, ... boiling, ... about "them".
Initially I would laugh about their efforts. 'These' type of things. But eventually its just too much. It drives me insane and makes me prolong when they'll receive their deserved judgment which I would work towards, making sure they don't get away from it. Well, in those moments however. Usually I get back to a "whatever" - and that mostly because ultimately I don't want to needlessly lessen the quality of my life - but eventually it depends on their suffering. Maybe. But nonetheless - essentially I'd rather have them rot away in oblivion than be bothered a tiny bit about them.
Eventually I'm too much stuck in my head as well. Too focused on these visualizations, not knowing how real they are after all - although the discomfort is very real as it after all triggers my upsetness. But I can look into the now and here and tell myself that I'm in charge of my life. Thus avoiding the issue to slip into my imagination as subject to a battle I don't think I'm likely to win; And rather so taking it to the front of my mind where I make those decisions I finally end up making. And yea - thats probably the 'real' consequence and why schizophrenia and all that stuff are considerably real and serious problem situations/conditions.
"Darkman X got you bouncing again! bouncing again! bouncing again!"
Tadaa! And yea, that Cryptonite thing, ... its coming! Its recorded already!
General StuffPosted by Nicole Tue, July 03, 2018 11:17:44
[To begin with
Its weird because I knew/know something is wrong with me but the at the time provided answers just wouldn't work for me. And writing about it, or starting to write about it now, at first feels like laying down in a bed of chaos. Its something that isn't really new on my blog. That from time to time I just feel like I have too much information on my mind to properly know where or how to start.
Luckily I've got some thoughts that would have made it in here were my thoughts recorded. It is about how I "would" ordinarily begin, which is then however also a matter of its own. The first things that come to my mind stem from these, ... well, schizophrenic paranoia - thoughts regarding "Rufmord" ('killing of reputation') - where I so would get to write about what I think people would say to this; As so a matter of downplaying my situation and being like I couldn't possibly have either of the two. I would get into these things trying to from there draw the line to more serious problems. And then probably spend more time dealing with these things; The other half of which would simply be lies; Than I should - thus forgetting the things that practically matter.
As so the recent post somehow shows. There's a thing that has been somewhere on my mind but nowhere near the things I would write about. I might get to write about it eventually, when the situation would allow it. I think it is part of my 'fighting spirit'. As, to some extent we all have been conditioned to not be whiney. To fight. As of that I would shove those weaknesses into the background and be occupied with the things that feel like there's conflict.
This ... also is, I suppose, one of the ways how problems with concentration are associated to a lot of mental health disorders. It is that the person doesn't have problems concentrating per se, but once there are things that just go 'against the wind', one has too many sails set that make it hard to stay on course.
So do I yet feel like I have to draw up a defense, ... being dragged into what those "voices" are concerned of. But I have something of a 'primary line' of ... whatever.
Infantile Amnesia ... is a thing I think I suffer. Over the last year or so I've had flashbacks of memories that ... are of a younger age but they just don't fit into anything. They seem somewhat associated to trauma, but aren't traumatic of themselves. They're like fragments. The other point to complete the line is that 'since I remember', my life has pretty much been like a constant ergo-therapy. Uhm, that is, ... drawing, building stuff (toys, playful), ... well, creative things. Its one of the things I've always been encouraged to do - but at certain points; And thats where I get closer to the 'pool of emotions' I have that makes me believe I have C-PTSD; My efforts have been crushed.
"I believe". Well, I get Quentrapin is it I think, ... and by researching it I got into reading about where its used and known to help; And while I don't think that the usual disorders are the ones I suffer, setting myself apart with the possibility of suffering PTSD or C-PTSD made my mood swing around and all the optimism I had was liked washed away, leaving a somewhat melancholic, sad, ... heavy hearted one. And on further investigation I think one can be rather certain that I suffer some form of bipolar disorder.
PTSD however is usually associated to some heavy trauma - which is something I have a hard time to find. Per se. My childhood has been pretty, ... 'ergo therapy' we can say. But so one of the things I remember is that I once started to draw a Comic; And I asked my gramps to make a case for it out of plywood. I had a concrete idea of how I wanted it to be; Only needed him to cut the wood and drill the holes. And at some point my mum just threw it away. She had a wild habit of doing so. Whenever she felt like our room was too untidy she just arbitrarily threw out all the things dear to us/me. Maybe its an exaggeration, but to me it is not. The 'most recent' of those stunts she pulled is already several years old; But ... I had those pants ... my favorites, ... and at some point she just felt like - or whatever - turning them into shorts.
My dad, he used to punish us with the leather belt. Whenever we did something silly. Maybe we sometimes 'deserved' it - as a means of education. One may be skeptical about those methods nonetheless, but I can't say that they didn't work. Maybe. But sometimes we were punished for 'taking things', and not money. I so 'took' my dads Camcorder at some point because I wanted to use it and didn't think he'd use it. He didn't miss it for quite a while at least. As they found out, we got punished. I got punished. And at that time some passersby heard my cries, called the police and ... thats a memory.
Later I then got to sink my own boat by being in Love with that girl whom I meant to impress and trust by sending her all I did. And that was yet another phase. It might be relevant that I mention that I at that time had spent most of my time daydreaming - usually felt like an outsider or dragged along while eventually all my friends ... or those closest to me at the time ... would make fun of me behind my back and pulling some other stunts.
That would also conclude the 'things' I'd mention in regards to Trauma - something that ... 'things' that simply were too much for me to handle at any given point along the line - with no time given to however gain any distance or comfort or whatever outside of ... ergo therapy.
Right now, ... I only don't want to answer my phone anymore. The time I was "back on the streets" I felt free, redeemed, good - and even happy about my past. It was a great time, somehow, ... at least I had felt some genuine comfort every once in a while, ... but all that changed the moment I responded to my family. And right now its just the same. I was feeling well here - starting to feel better - but eventually I responded to my mum, told her where I was (why I had no time) and now she wants the address to come visit me. And I really don't want that!
How that affects the rest of my work here is somehow uncertain. Sure its close to say that most of my clarity is 'a' way of dealing with these problems; Making up 'fantasy friends' to comfort me next to whatever other excuse my mind would need to somehow believe in it. That doesn't answer everything though, as ... just 'what' the things are I like - but - those are problematic from another point of view; And I'd by lying were I to say that I don't experience any problematic nature in them. But I can say that when I feel happy as a slave, so with collar and leash, it is important to me who held it. If I so were to bite the one who held it - rather - no good! And not just that. Even if the person were OK in some way but just not 'close enough' - "like maybe only my own fantasy could produce" - it wouldn't really work either.
I think a part of those experiences are/were therapy given by God which ordinary doctors wouldn't have thought might help or were good in any way. But there's so the thing: Whatever my problems are, due to whichever experience; Underneath it all is still me - and that is independent to whatever happened to it. So I can't deduce who or what I truly am just by going into the opposite to what ... happened.
And yes - I had optimism before the realization "befell" me - and ponding about this, I ... realize ... that if I take distance to my family - I feel better and my optimism returns; ... has some grounds to grow upon. Now I just somehow need to convert this realization into practice.
General StuffPosted by Nicole Sun, July 01, 2018 20:38:15
"Forced Enthusiasm Hurts". Thats a sentence that just kept "Blurring up" in my mind. I wouldn't call that voices, but it is yet different to how I know my minds ordinary way of working. Simply put, there isn't a lot of context to that sentence but some kind of force behind it. It is however nothing I would describe as negative either. Its just there ... its like a ball played right into my hands. I do have thoughts about it, as I also 'did' have thoughts about it. Its at that a larger topic on my mind; One more integrated into my every day life.
The gist of it is that when reflecting about the Antichristians I get a couple of things that just don't work with me. So, things that add up as items I simply do not like about them. And when I get to write about these things I generally tend to grow passive and uncertain. And so it is part of the things I on one side am certain about since its part of my consolidated idea of them which generally keeps getting confirmed; And on the other side I'm uncertain because its difficult to formulate those things properly - as ... presented in a proper context or frame maybe. So, "framing it out".
"Forced Enthusiasm" to me is one of those things they do in order to push their agenda by means of Astair. Well, there's even a very specific ... "tune". Think of the Merovingian at the point where he's "Ah, here he it at last, Neo, the one himself" ... and take that "Ahhh" ... in that very specific tune and put it into a higher pitch thats more like ... the "pre-cum" of some really "epic pointe" or something like that. To my mind its like "suckage", in the literal sense. Sucking out some hype, "of course". At the origin of those things I suppose there are people that are bent to see things coming in a certain way. Like Russia loosing to Spain or Japan not making it into the finals. B).
Leaving it just at that would be simple and true enough for me - but giving it a few seconds shows me that ... "it goes on". Rather than just some people doing that 'trick', I then have to think of a chain of people - something that is setup like an avalanche. It then goes from people that ignite it to people that further ride on it, as to the very end to people that act out the desired outcome. That would be the last measure for once, but is at that yet just another beginning. The acting out is then supposed to be the most apparent "symptom" of the whole thing to catch someone into the idea - where then the igniting and inciting continues.
And so - I've noticed that when it comes to sex, ... or rather 'sexual desires' ... or urges or provocations or ... "things", ... I know of two different 'origins'. The one is like a balloon that gets blown up inside of me - which yet has some certain core within it that would give one some idea of it being ones own thing; Which after all it is or should be, but its distorted. I could say that as when that happens I generally have problems following it up. What I do when I try is that I usually end up, not intentionally but as part of the process, sotospeak "deflating it" and arriving back at whats left which then isn't really "in touch" with the 'bloated up' state and so there then usually isn't really a reason to follow it up any further. The other thing is more like a wildfire. It starts somewhere and soon enough my entire system is like ... glowing and "burning" (a weak metaphor considering ...) ... and the end result is compelling but ... "underwhelming" in a sense. There's no real point in explaining this in detail while if you care, ... maybe check out /index-2017.html ... where somewhere I've written about those things. Not sure how deep you'd have to dig. And I don't mean what I at some other point (page2) labeled as 'combustion', but similar. But well, in essence its like a wildfire underneath the surface. Like a stack of hay burning from within. And that generally has the result of some curiosity within me that takes me towards deepening certain aspects of myself. Or maybe just more generally thinking about the whole thing.
Somehow like right now, but right now is particularly different in that I'm not really 'sexually compelled' - although certain vibes of it have been around and were still at the front of my mind while the main motivator however is of a different kind.
And so there are things in "my mind" that have been consolidated over the years. As I mentioned at certain points in the beginning, its a system of thoughts and ideas, wired together, intertwined and linked in some "multi-dimensional" system of strings and streams and hubs and places and memories and pseudo memories; Whatever the mind could produce captured in some 'illuminated' 'system of self'. And yet it is clear to me that I 'now' have parts wired into it that I had been reluctant to even consider. And yea, ... thats where it goes more crazy, but ... for a moment I would like to emphasize this reluctance. It is still around, in a sense - speaking of whatever the mind held that would cause this reluctance. Or unwillingness. Respectively is the step beyond that a problematic one, but the connections still exist.
So are there certain things that I had wanted that I didn't fully understand, or couldn't fully grasp and integrate, before I ... 'could' make that step. I'm ... sorry ... to bring it up, but Pedophilia might be the easiest item to make a less troublesome example of ... whats actually the point I'm trying to make here. Previously, or so - in the beginning - I was troubled by it. While I was still young on my mind anyway it mayhap didn't really matter that much - and neither did I make much of my own fantasy of being a child in such circumstance. But there simple were things and I couldn't get rid of them. Since I've spent some time more openly writing about these things I've come to accept them - and yet not much changed. Per se. Still when I'm outside and see little children I can't help but think about Sex. Well, not that per se, but ... through a pedophile lens - or - however thinking of them in a sexual way. Yet, since I had accepted it, one thing did change. I had a closer link to thinking about whats going on in my mind and so I can now for instance say that most children I see ... don't fit. And not digesting that properly, that ... is also supported by given ... reluctances. What is to be digested? Well, ... it just comes to me that the sight of those children makes me feel ... bad ... . I would look at them and see that it wouldn't work or be nice in any way and I get ashamed, in a way, of myself for ever even mentioning anything of the sort.
Getting a hold of it however opens the realm of ... well ... the "mmmmmh" ... 'good pedophilia' - which is where the boundaries to "Hell" are the most narrow, but also ... the most ... 'solid'. And letting that boundary be a boundary and thinking of crossing it, that first takes us to adults that would want to cross over and that I don't see as something thats going to be easy or simple - no matter how strong the attachments or desires of the sort might be. First it is an issue of the numbers; And that rather in the percentages rather than the relative values - for once. Next it also matters that we've 'arrived' and so generally rather embrace the various truth than questioning them. Its nothing that could or should be forced in, or slipped under the rug sotospeak.
And for my part - well - I feel my fingers "hurting" as I'm writing this, as though they'd get cut off at some point in consequence. Its nothing unfamiliar at this point and something part of this illuminated system ... of joys. However, associated to the positive thereof the problems I have with what I'd be missing out upon aren't really a thing. So in the flipside does this say that while I'm having troubles letting go, there is I suppose some legitimacy to it. It wouldn't just be brutally enforced upon me, but ... part of the ... very pleasant ride.
This says what I wanted to say actually in a slightly different way. Maybe one thats more accessible or easier to understand. I would have otherwise drawn the line to some possibly traumatic experiences as to think of the time I'd require to solve those struggles within me.
This has nothing to do with voices or the winds.
Where the winds come into play is ... well ... my ... thing, ... 'setup with practicality' - or in other words: "my masturbation habits". And sometimes also related to things I might do on the computer. To properly follow that desire I'd have to ... swallow a bomb or something. It doesn't make sense!
As a footnote I'm starting to notice aspects regarding my relationships that I would understand as the things of other people that I just happen to have a role in. Things I can't properly relate to but I somehow feel that it is there. So, those things aren't self-centered and my purpose therein would be serving them. So, I don't really have a part in it; Outside of playing mine. And thats ... good. Its ... also nice to get some diversity into my understanding/awareness of these things.
So, for lessons to be learned: It seems to be so, with in certainty bounding probability, that for their 'spook' to work they need certain thoughts to exist. Or know of their existence or make sure of it. \Or hope one just gets caught up in it - or these winds are byproducts, ... if not both. But yea, gossip might be one way of ... boosting certain things. Sometimes it is honest or fair I reckon and thats I guess when we can laugh about our own selves. But yea, thats in about it - for today. Anything left? [looks over left and right shoulder and thinks of having not seen anything while writing the words of this sentence, thinking: Not really an effective way of making sure].
General StuffPosted by Nicole Sun, July 01, 2018 16:12:21
[Irrelevant Nonsense, arguing with Phantoms
Well, another pressing issue still on my mind ... so happens to be ... problematic ... I reckon. Some would be waiting for it - or maybe not, ... but there seem to be a lot of entanglements. Like, ... why is it so hard for people to see the simple and obvious? One answer would be: Because the simple and obvious to them isn't the simple and obvious to me. Or yours ain't mine and mine ain't yours. Theirs ain't yours as yours aren't theirs. And thats really ... essentially ... one of the simplest things to understand. You got to wonder about what your "Shadow Self" would tell you, had it been born or "fallen" into different circumstances. So, use your own arguments against yourself to see how unfounded yours might be.
What are the 'reasons' - for you to believe what you believe?
I don't mean to be rude, but certainly ... at times it just happens to be the way of how things are. Tolerance so happens to be a topic you could argue is one of the things I value, though equally you could take 'tolerance' as a thing that I despise. Depending on how you'd flip the coins. Like so: Should we tolerate roman catholics? Why can't we ask them to 'acknowledge' the truth standing? Why do we have to do those mental gymnastics to see why we should be tolerant while there isn't a reason at all why we had to; At all - except maybe in this "world without logic and reason".
Isn't it at all the problem that we can't fix our differences at points where we acknowledge each other in our falsely founded ideas?
We surely could go on like that - and eventually we had to in order to accommodate those that just don't want to see - but the fact yet stands that the truth holds the lens through which bigots stand revealed; And a bigot is a bigot - simple as that!
Are you one? Or, rather: Do you WANT to be one? If not - ask yourself: What is it that you 'do' to help yourself? Again I need to apologize; As ... simply put, I think some people are more complicated cases than others. As we have it - there wasn't ever really an easy way to realize. I often hear that the sole idea of 'knowing' the truth is ... a bigoted one. Like, who could claim to know it? Its a thing I also often hear uttered in spite. As though I had to be ashamed of myself for believing that I know better - where eventually I have to realize that I wouldn't be the first to claim that. And thats one of the reasons why I stopped working ... on things as though I knew and kept it to the bare minimum of what is safe to say. Or relatively safe to say.
So recently I had a conversation with someone, where I started to respond by saying that I have a hard time finding people to talk about the things that I'm really interested in. Why? Because ... it deals with religion. And so I would go on to explain how I noticed that people have different ways of access to the topic and how I might quote the Bible to Seventh Day Adventists and they yet wouldn't want to hear it. He responded speaking of protection. That people want to protect their beliefs - and I agreed. Thats what I meant in a way - as you also might find in my story on the front-page. And I so went on to say about myself that I used to be rather in the offense about protecting my beliefs. So, by carrying out what I had found to so find confirmation from others - but I'd usually hit a wall.
And why is that?
So, shortcutting the whole thing - whatever I might tell would only clutter this choke-point I think; At least that particular point is why the headline is the one it is. "Wickedness". Am I wicked for telling you that I only arrived at deaf ears? That I had little to no success with my mission? Is it? Wicked? Or is it just the way things are?
Its part of the "Psychotic Nonsense" thats cursing around on my mind - "voices" of people that would want to see a different story. One of success. One where I'd meet the right people, start a movement with great success to then have social backup through which I might move on and convince "even" those in Hollywood. Like its a video game. Starting simple with no less than a few friends - similar to Jesus - and making friends with those "High Tier" individuals at the end.
Saying that this ain't how it worked is like admitting defeat; Or often it feels that way; And whatever reason I'd have to argue in my own defense would be another way of "pointing out" how God didn't give me what I needed. "Wicked!"?
So, anyway. That conversation continued. That guy spoke a lot of how "interesting" he thought certain things were. Things I'd rather describe as serious problems or dilemmas. Differences. Well, in a positive way. Along the lines of diversity and how it allows us to grow beyond ourselves as opposed to getting stuck in an echo-chamber. And along those lines he noted that he couldn't possibly deem to be able to know the truth of these things. In response I said that I had that demand to myself. That of understanding things. And thats one of those points where I ... "stop trying"? No - it, at first, sounds like: "Well, I do ... know! (And I might prove it to you)". But so - what is real?
I think that some people would believe that I'd "rock the boat" there; That I might convince those doctors of my beliefs and that this would be the start. I would say, if you think that way, you're psychotic! You ... just don't get it!
You don't know how people tick. How they think, fare and how their multiple entanglements influence them. If you got nothing but resentment for me - yea, think again! Why should anyone near me be different? They know me in person? "All just an act!". Now what?
I've written about it multiple times. People are stuck in their ways, financial safety for instance being a concern - and I don't know how to get them, or anyone, to do my bidding. Possibly God closed their hearts - and that because ... those "High Tier" individuals - they are cowards were they to seriously believe in that shit! Once I had a lot of people believing in me - "then" they'd think its safe. Its trendy, its "cool", its "the thing to do" and then they think they can show their asses and be like "woo!". Thats how I get it. For what is so really the difference? Why am I not allowed to share my story with the world - and let everyone decide? Hmm ... because its more complicated than that?
But if "you" with enough money and safety can't utter enough confidence in the truth on your own - how you'd expect anyone else to do so? With people that have a lot more to loose!? People that maybe just have a few hours a day to think about anything other than their survival? How would I magically get to that critical mass of people that we might have something of an independent grounds away from such worries? Whose problem is it? Really? Prey, tell me!
And so "you" make it easier for yourself by saying: "It ain't mine!". For as long as "others" do the thing however, you're all fine with it! And you eventually get sucked into the lure of ambiguous success. People maybe that as anyone else was stuck in this world, seeing how "the world" was riddled with stories of wicked success; And not seeing a light figured they might as well take a piece of the cake. Think it impossible?
If you can't imply such into that success story but all sorts of idiotic nonsense into mine - prey, tell me - what are you doing right again?
And the coin keeps flipping. Now that you can't defend 'this' ground, you'd flip it around and be cynical about those pressing issues I had on mind which I thought to be problematic. And yea, that because if I started on that ground; To a point that you couldn't hold anymore, you'd just flip the coin and be on the end of things just recorded.
Or am I wrong?
So, prey, tell me - how do people tick?
Similar thing with the Matrix. The one moment its all bad because its obviously made that way; And the other moment its all bad because its just stuff randomly put together to so fit at certain points. THe latter, by the way, is how its 'meant' to work. How the synergies emerge and why the thing I do could be considered special; So, that I have a hand for hitting the marks - ... the former is just a ... well ... added bonus, ... hidden within. Which basically lends itself to the suggestion that the potential is in deed infinite!
But well. So, what I'd have ordinarily written about is ... "Hell" ... as I'd call it by now to so bolden the line between "normal" and "crazy". A battle you'd so have lost already should you still be concerned of arguing against me. Flip the coin, roll the dice, ... which side is yet not covered?
The one where you'd assume that I'm actually honest and legit? Oh, that could not possibly be an answer, right?
I've had an insight recently. It would suggest that in my life prior to the recent one, I was a girl. A daughter to something of a landlord who was more wicked than not; And I took issue in that and he'd see me for a threat and see me to be kidnapped and ... while at it ... being a bit more cruel than just that. Its of course nothing I could proof - but it might explain how I would have ended up more male and less interested in being female ... for a while. And its a relatively interesting contrast ... considering what I'm into. Did you notice that I really care about this? The similarities between good and bad and where the difference is?
Well, that story aside - it leads me to the same 'general reaction' than when considering myself mentally ill or otherwise when I have a more "normal" mindset relating to that. I isolate it ... putting it aside and seeing the difficulties within such pleasures. But so is there "Hell" ... as the most dark and perverted way that paradise could be. For me, still to be founded on Love. As, ... well.
Love ... the way I've experienced since unification is apart from how I experienced it before far more intimate because ones very mind is entered into the equation; Rather than just sticking to the bodies. How I so would feel someones spirit - well, is certainly dependent on what is on the other ones mind; In a way that I can fathom. And so I wouldn't like someone who's mind is filled with wicked evil, someone I'd normally despise - why would I stop there? Why should I devote myself to someone I'd fight to my dying breath?
It also happens to be a part of the choices you'll make. Good guy or bad guy? It isn't as simple as wanting it to be a certain way. Which believer does not "auto assume" that God guides his path; And how would we make it from there into a reasonable, mutual common sense foundation for the future? By ... not changing anything about it?