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My Blog

Writing about ... something

General StuffPosted by Nicole Sat, August 04, 2018 15:38:38
OK. Well, first of all there's a progress update of sorts concerning my medical story. I'm soon out of the Psychiatric Day Clinic to again be stationary however in a Psychosomatic thing. And then back to psychiatric day clinic. It turns out ... as I've also begun to record here ... that my story is a bit more complicated than I realized. And most importantly ... how I would realize in realtime. So, usually ... I'm feeling fine. After some lows, which I wouldn't consider as lows but just ... uh, whatever, I'm back at normal while being optimistic about my future and my ability to handle the same. Taking my concerns that I'm writing about into 'pronounced reality' is ... somehow ... broken. And that should also go for the other concerns I'm having.

Like so however was it so previously on the Matrix that the whole me vs. them issue got kicked onto another Level. So, to recap ...

12: 'We' started to be officially the bad guys
13: An example - where I tried to "play through" Neo's story but got caught up within issues and ... "replaced" ... in a way ... by Smith. Thats where I figured that this whole 'we are the bad guys' thing is a bit more serious.
14: Is where it got more tight, ... with I guess the statement being something like "we're not letting go of it" and ... poor little Neo looking ... a lot like a poor little Neo.
15: Oh yea. I had to scroll down to remember. Yea. The whole Transformers thing. And the Neverending story. Also the whole DJ Genki Dharma issue. And closing a loop on some YouTube stuff I had to re-record. The Transformers thing is first of all like a Nail in the Coffin giving a great example of how 'the Matrix' can turn one thing into another. Its simple though. In the end one is free to interpret anything into everything. The music simply provides a narrative to help it out a little. On a side-note would I suggest that this DJ Genki Dharma issue was a real one. At least for me, ... focusing on the "this is Big Bro, taking over the show" track; Which to me at first seemed like it is one 'they' provided as an example of what I did, making it look like it doesn't fit in with the rest. While however "starting" the Neverending Story show with it there's something of a ... 'lock' on them tracks. Tracks that I made - which I say since I suppose that they might have upgraded some to generate a greater disparity between my and their story.
16: I have to say that Nosferatu was creeping up on my mind frequently. This time I did it, and yea - without its audio but we got back around to that later and it was awesome. I had watched the Witch just shortly prior and since also had an urge to write about it and also to feature it on the Matrix Phenomenon. I was in-deed looking for specific moments, though rather trying to also not really spoil the whole movie. So, it was a bit like hit or miss. What bothered me was that there are previews when moving onto the timeline. Though sometimes when skipping around in the matrix I'm looking for specific moments that I eventually miss; I find it extremely distracting when I can see exactly where I'm going. What I didn't know ... but suspected ... kindof happened. The moment where the boy dies for instance. I couldn't know that some DMX track would play round about there - but I yet expected it since it would make sense. It turned out differently than I expected, but yea. To the ending, well. Its a bit confusing - but I think what works out fine is the interpretation of ... well. Taken slowly: In the matrix there's the confusion that arises from the idea of being the bad guy that in a different context I were Neo. And me doing these things 'wrongly' would make Smith the threat - like ... representing my mental illness. This is essentially circumvented by 'the Witch' since here we can manifest - as per context - me for the Witch and her dad for the bad guy. Who gets his final blow as Smith disintegrates, while the first blow co-incides with Neo being hit. Its a two in one thing thats hard to sort out I guess and this difficulty persists in what was to follow.
There is the Pandra scene where the issue stands that "this female Character" takes over the form of Neo. That would be the first explicit moment I think where the "we are the bad guys" concept is "hijacked". The loss of this 'hijack' would also co-incide with the Machines gaining ground in Zion which so firther tightens ... "the Witch construct". Lets call it that way. Or not. I feel like my suggestions never make it. Anyhow ...
Being a little bit clueless after 'this is the end' - which was kindof projected like an end to the struggles - ... oh. The end to revolutions with the Witch in the background was kindof eerie. Wasn't it? Anyhow. So I went back to Genki Dharma to get closure on this within the Matrix and ... also with some Hentai. As it stands it could be reviewed as a game of chances - although because I do it, it isn't quite that. The point was simply to see what'd happen - and I surmise that it stands as based on the Witch Construct that this 'Darkness' may now stand.
For me 16 was simply 'announced' in a way that I would do Porn, but I still wasn't into it right away. But as that truth in me gained ground I was more and more comfortable with it. The Conan thing also gave me some strength and in this supposed Chaos of interpretations (although there's the cone thing) is a clear "I can do this, and you?" thing. Just so as a hint at what the "game" actually is about. This ... me vs. them thing. Which should be important as we're getting deeper into the rabbits hole.
Then at some point we got to the "final take-over" with this amazing Smith appearance where Neo got turned ... sotospeak ... into a Angel Blade (Punish) Character. Which then also allowed me, to my self, although yet in hindsight, be more into porn. So in 16-4 I started with no porn and gradually turned into porn until we have that Urotsukidoji Event which hypes up the Witch Construct to the point thats fitting to what I've written about Clarity.
17: I gave it 3 revolutions so the Matrix could comment on that - sotospeak. Once again however expanding on the Witch Construct, where ... I would point onto Katsunis Bride scene in Pornochic 12 as a very decisive moment. To my surprise was the last revolution more about my Gender - to basically put an emphasis onto my own position. So, pussy over cock - while, the thing with the long kiss goodbye to last for a lifetime is sortof what I've been expecting as well; Though I generally found it to be problematic to write about it.
Was I missing something in 16? Well. The Illuminati, Bond and Werner thing maybe. A funny segment on probabilities I suppose. And for Bond ... getting a bit of a Deathpool (breaking the 4th wall?) thing going. I can't look into it - as to whether the tracks also still line up with the rest of Illuminati. But since the Bond segment was a bit iffy at times I suppose so. Its a question ... whether, or how much, the tracks follow me or are fixed. I'd say ... "its all in the Matrix".
Well, anyhow - also true for 17 the 'rape' issue was touched. Not that anyone with a brain would suggest otherwise, but rape clearly is bad; Though not in all circumstances. Well, it isn't where its consensual. Its a stupidly simple issue, but yea - it keeps on coming up and gets kicked out as well. So in 17-3 finally we have it that the rape issue is brought to a climax due to some Hentai flick thats really explicit - and gets treated miraculously well through two Stargate episodes. One where O'Neill and Carter end up in Antarctica (the Gate switch) and the other where this business guy clones an Asgard. Once saying that we can take the movie as the Asgard without consciousness and make it host to an Asgard consciousness. We can look at it both ways, sotosay. In the one way its clearly bad - in the other we can look at it but have to be careful. Well, its ... corrupted either way. In the bad way it imposes the justification that it'd be good for both of them - which in turn would be the argument on the good end but we'd criticize the conduct. The gate switch is just another way of saying that. There are two possible stances.
And yea. For the question for whether the Matrix Phenomenon could further expand on the Witch Construct without Porn, the answer was Married with Children! And fun fact - Kelly Bundy, fashion wise, has been one of my idols back in the days where the show was on Air. "Prototype".
Hmm, regarding Stargate there's also the Reese thing. Its a bit edgy/iffy, but it still sortof expands on the Witch Construct.

So, with all that it so has happened that in the Me vs. Them issue the Matrix has shifted in my favor; As the situation so is that whenever the Matrix is positive on them Heros it goes to confirm me in my nature; Thus ... making it so that if they were to claim that hero role furtheron it goes on to turn them into Bitches.

What we can expect is another Married with Children segment, because ... 17-2 crashed at some point projecting that, ... while else we can look at it like a Prophecy - thinking of my Prophetic function being that of doing the Matrix thing rather than writing of what I believe in; Where the confirmation of my clarity gives me a strong leeway as for all the things that go into that. Otherwise one might go to look at it as a simple reflection about what I believe in, free of right or wrong, ... and as that is a stance that can be maintained no matter what we're back at the original problem. Who is who, what and why? And all that.

Although I see nothing in this world that should make me feel any confident ... I still ... perceive other things in the realm of the spirit, motions, whatever - suggesting that they are at an end. The line in the sand has turned into a canyon. They would be upset because according to them, I'd be supposed to pick stuff to go in their favor - making me wonder: How? One issue is that even if it so happened just to give you an example of how it could look - they wouldn't take it as an example. I suppose. Probably causing 'an escalating probability of disaster'. Or something like that. If the Matrix so stays persistent on not making such 'for instance' things "anymore" - staying on its course - gives it a way to be more than just a fancy phenomenon. Or, as what the Phenomenon implies, being a ... while still factually profane but yet ... "interesting" thing. I mean ... we can't break the rules here - and it all stands on what you imply as how this whole thing works and comes together. And the more "sacred" it so becomes by keeping a straight line, the more "profane" is also turns out to be to those that don't want to or yet can't see it the other way.

So the issue of thinking of a message within the Matrix Phenomenon is a bit iffy, although certainly inevitable beyond a certain point. Else there wouldn't really much of a point to keep going aside of simple repetition and consequential growth. Which is I think where I default back to; Although I'm now basically stuck between more options than just three movies.

At the point of thinking of a message the lucky thing is however that the messages the Matrix can provide are indirect. The black and white vintage movie in 17-3 for instance portrays, at some point, some journey which we again can project as going into two directions. One good, the other bad. And at that point we're basically back, in all simplicity, at what a movie is or can be there for. Simple reflection. And at that the issue stands that it says what I said - thinking of our freedom, of tolerance, of progress - along this ... blurry line of morality and ethics. Which to me is really one of the most important things at all. As the whole of my clarity story implies anyway. Its not as simple as "Sexual Harassment" vs "Freedom of Speech". I mean - just thinking about it ... makes me feel more stupid. How is that even a 'vs'? OK, it is. But what is the accuser demanding? Thats the pivotal problem. We need a cultural change - while - more to the point, if being more dramatic, rooting out the bad from the good. But how do we do that? In John Olivers piece he interviewed that lady, ... and she wouldn't see the problems solution at changing the woman. And while I can see the truth in that, I can also see the flaw in that. Its as with mobbing. Guys are getting mobbed - but what can they do other than learning how to deal with it? Its a great conversation to be virtue signaling - but none on which we could make actual progress. Its always going to be about censorship vs. freedom of speech - or otherwise tyranny vs "democracy" in the broadest sense. Later down the line we'd have to wonder about which way 'we' would wanna go. Sacrifice Democracy because it failed or improve upon our values of what Democracy should truly mean - going the other direction.

And at the core of it, this conversation is so far apart from the contemporary common sense vision that insanity rules in behalf of virtue signals that the average person is conditioned to support because most people are decent people!

Its all about taking a personal stance, but one has to be careful about whom to stand on an issue with. In lots of ways can one stand with me - and although I'm not directly supporting any SJW items one can see how doing so would support those core interests. Although practically we still see the more important issues on the Anti_SJW side. They can so more easily stand on my side, but with the very same issues also stand on a completely opposed one. Further: While it seems that I stand with rape and misogyny, nobody should stand on my side; But when learning where the line is drawn, I don't stand with rape and misogyny in that sense yet fiercely against it - so nobody should stand opposed to me on that one actually. Because simply are there things that would seem sexist that shouldn't be regarded as that. Like ... (humor on, "somehow") 'having a penis'.

"Amen, my words into Gods ear" ... well, last time I checked ... thats what we say ... isn't it?

Else, ... well. I ... it seems like I should write about last nights dream I had. Which ... coincides with another thing. I mentioned that I get primed somehow before I have interviews; And since then things sortof changed a little. Now there is this odd thing that told me that in three weeks from now or whatever I'd say that I no longer am a Slut.
Well, in tonights dream I started playing Ark again and there was a building that I deconstructed which apparently belonged to my first big Love, Anna. Anyway. It got a lot more crowded and at some point there was a bit of an issue about her and me eventually getting along again somehow. Somehow playing into this Love idea, that she and I might get together again. So there were emotions around in the dream that I'm not having in reality; Though I suppose if I were in the same room with her ... who knows?
I mean - as far as I'm concerned I suffer some Stress Disorder to which she isn't without relevance. And to totally spin this out of ... thing ... there's the totally other issue of my Kinks being manipulations of some sort. Or, my Kinks/Clarity being actually a symptom of me secretly loving ... who to me would be the Antichrist. The ending of Kill Bill, where Bill expresses his disability to believe Beatrix comes to mind there too.
This on the other end is present to me by an attitude that would want to make me believe that connected to a layer of ... something ... that, well, ... suggests him as a gentle person to me. Its like a mantle. It isn't there always, but sometimes it wraps around my core and comes with this picture of him resting his hands on my shoulder - appearing all strong and supportive. And thats a problem to me. The Matrix so far went to put it as "we're just good friends". Making it clear that the freak in me is satisfied by the great Manitu personally. "By the way". Where the Antichrist would instead go to hijack my expressions of that relationship and imply that he's the one they're aiming at.
The situation is simply so: Technically I could fall for him/them by starting to value what they put upon me as impressions of them. They could go as far as trying to make me believe that these impressions are symptoms of a suppressed Love. Or you. Trying to make you believe that, or such.
The problem there is that the things which so happen to be apparently good are actually functionally evil.


The ring of Fire

General StuffPosted by Nicole Wed, July 25, 2018 14:54:14
[Complex Stress Disorder]

Today I learned about myself that the reason why I couldn't see my paranoid schizophrenia as that, is that I suffer something more complicated and have learned to ignore my problems away. Understanding that I feel fine, I would sit on this idea and go on, pretending that there's nothing wrong with me. But today we had a class where I had to ponder upon my symptoms of depression; And initially I didn't find much. I was confused, having noted nothing, regarding what I was to understand as depression. But so I began noting, and I realized that my problems can be sorted into packages, all somehow under the hat of depression. So, there's the symbol of a traffic light. Red, Yellow and Green. Red are the main symptoms, Yellow for first indications and Green for what I regard as healthy. I believe I have written of this extensively enough - where, I realized, in this frame, that others had far more concrete ideas. Specific symptoms to specific occasions. I just had bullet points, vastly without connection to "reality" yet.

So, "cluelessness" is without connection whereas "underweight" is with connection.

I so wouldn't say that I have suicide thoughts because I don't plan on killing myself; Thus regarding what I have in forms of suicidal thoughts as not worth mentioning. But by fact they are still there.

The greatest problem yet is the one described recently, here/therein only noted as "deep scheming, heavy heart, sadness". The Anti-Depressives sortof acted like a glue, while what remained is to be described as a ring of fire. Its like an eclipse. The Anti-Depressives covering the dark sadness which here and there blaze beyond it like a corona.

And so I also find myself far more vulnerable or weak than I would have admitted.

I had to unearth a lot of myself - as though I inwardly covered myself in rubbles - while "classically" the first things I did in all this time was to get into my 'hobby' from a distance. I've so begun to code again while I also invented this:

new set of glyphs. Its something about how I assume something spiritual works.

Is farming (in Video Games) an Antichristian activity?

General StuffPosted by Nicole Tue, July 24, 2018 20:06:11

[Mental Constitution, Paranoid Schizophrenia]

I think every gamer has found him or herself in that situation where doing a bit of grinding to get some edge was a thing. I remember back in the days playing Super Mario World on the SNES collecting One-Ups for the road ahead. Now I'm somehow reminded about Duke Nukem 64 where my Brother and I once played Deathmatch just to get to some ridiculously high kill count.

Later there were MMOs; And I never played one prior to my "Ascension". Well, the idea of farming or grinding however left a bit of a foul taste in my mouth. Yet I think I would differentiate between different kinds. Still, the idea of farming or grinding left a bad taste as it would give someone a ... "foul" advantage within the game based on silly, mundane repetition.

And right away an image formed in my mind. Someone with a lot of stuff getting the admiration of passers by and being at that a social magnet who further would be able to help others on and that how start some sort of social engagement which ... well ... I would be left out of I guess. I have some sort of a memory ... where this "friend" ... that "Angel Guy" ... was talking to me while something like Napster was opened on his Computer, telling me that thats how he's gonna beat me. I wonder ... .

So however the constitution on my mind - or - things, when given shape that way, start to make a little more sense. Where-ever I would be, I'd have some strange concept of being outside of the loop. A concept filled with strange stories about me that draw me for crazy or something. And I guess I played that part well.

Its hard to say. How I should think about it. I however also noticed a strange shift amongst the Mormon community where I got baptized after some point in time. It was as though someone came in and told them weird shit, that I'm this or that, and from there on ... well. I was of course not to know anything. Its hard to say whether all that is just paranoia. "Schizophrenic Paranoia", or uh ... "Paranoid Schizophrenia". I guess thats what the official diagnosis has been so far. I certainly fit that bill though.

I don't like to admit it, thinking that it doesn't affect me. And well, I do happen to have stories where the Paranoia was actually warranted. Else I would have to believe in this magical world where no harm comes upon anyone. Where theft and all those things don't exist. And I can't do that!

In theory schizophrenia could very well just be the name of a symptom which much more is the consequence of minds with a certain sensitivity. A sensitivity which in the social chaos of today simply causes weird issues - I suppose - hence we might label those "psychosis'". Yet not to be forgotten is the general idea of strange dopamine imbalances. Perhaps dopamine also has something to do with that sensitivity. Maybe passively - produced as the mind starts to make experiences in this realm that this sensitivity senses. I guess, to be more objective, that those experiences would cause all sorts of "regular reactions". Anxiety for instance. However while not produced in the physically tangible they would seem ... unexplainable.

Or drug induced.

However. The disbelief that any of my "paranoid perceptions" turns out to be real is like a big black wall that further even repels me. Hence whenever I get to points like these where I've "spoken aloud" about what turns me inside I have troubles acknowledging it. In a way, ... I would rather hide to not see things confirmed. Every once in a while I however also noticed things that just fell right into place as a confirmation, but ... I couldn't give any examples. Anyhow - I had to realize that my general memory only reaches back 3 days. Whats past for more than that is naught but a distant memory.

So I'm well confined within my paranoid little mindset - shutting my eyes tight to not see the enemy and try things anyway.

Sometimes its hard for me to believe that there is no such thing as a giant underground network; As it simply constitutes a huge chunk of what I supposedly recognize as whats going on around me. Or wherever.

Its also the only explanation for how certain things I do would be known in the way I would think. That there is something as a ghost-version of this site. Thinking so I would get upset and be like "why can I not know?" - but as I however would arrive at def ears I might as well just be crazy.

Its however a tough nut for me to crack. Its like ... I can't have traffic. Its just not a thing. ... I know it. And the statistics show. Yet, ... somehow ... things seem to ooze through. And that how I guess I need to be sure that it is ... Schizophrenia.

Well, ... not entirely

General StuffPosted by Nicole Wed, July 18, 2018 18:40:05

[Anti-Depressives vs Clarity]

But true ... that I, uh - well. The thing is that Anti-Depressives did sortof change something. I've gotten them since yesterday morning and that just for the morning and its yet still just a small dose. Yet ... I'm surprised by the effect. I'm not feeling perfectly fine, but, that may be more due to tobacco and coke abuse. (Coca Cola Coke). And its weird. As expected from the basis of the situation. There are things that to me are inevitably true - inevitably tied to my identity and that so before, by and within God and all that. But certain things 'were' strange. To pick up on something that bothered me before I ... "got kicked into darkness" ... there was some kind of fire. The lady I've had a crush into at the time was somehow a catalyst to it. My sexual ... "planning" got thrown into chaos and I was confused between submission and dominance. So was there a kind of fire as a male emotion of dominance; And I wondered if I could experience that with her. She was OK with it, but that was just before I ... had to leave. I wonder ... . I ... sometimes think I shouldn't have left. Maybe. Though usually I think it was the right way to go.

And well, so within the Dark I would have my own likes and sometimes some ... weird "draft" into the extreme. And the feelings, well. The Anti-Depressives block them, or something about it. I can't really find that state of self-depression anymore, while now I get to wonder. I wonder ... as ... in regards to that first big crush I had where I weeped myself into sleep. And also later with J.Lo. I had an addiction there. Self-pity in a sense. The weeping made me feel comfortable - and instead of just seeing the Love I craved for what it was, ... absurd or something thats just bad, or whatever, ... I sought those moments of sadness. And maybe thats still in there. A subconscious attachment to that something that would make me feel well.

As usual there is no 'clear' end to the story. The bondage elements are still in tact and glowy, albeit some minor shifts or changes are recognizable. Well, as it has to be I guess. The general idea is probably still there - so for the minds to play with - even some of the more extreme bondage kinks; But yea ... some core of sadness has somehow vanished. I mean, ... plugged. And I feel better now - and right now wouldn't want to get rid of them (Anti-Depressives).

Astair vs. Human Nature - Part 1

General StuffPosted by Nicole Wed, July 18, 2018 12:19:36

[preliminary message]

On account of the previous messages on Astair and notes of Trans-sexuality there's something missing. And right now the comments of Smith within Bane to Trinity come to mind. For me that means that I should start with them voices. I would say there are three types, excluding 'the voice of God' which can take the shape of all three and is to be excluded because ... because. On note on that though - as I understand, God restricts Himself to what we would understand as e-motes. Even so that one time where I heard it really clearly, it only said as much as "You know that I'm here for you". Those three types further segment into two categories. There's the two one might associate to Schizophrenia and the rest I would simplify as "the inner voice(es)". For the other two, lets call the one 'loud' and the other 'resonant'. Loud means, its ... we could also call it resonant when judging by my experience and the 'resonant' one loud, but ... per se the 'loud' one seems to be resonant in that it appears to be echos in the shape of fragments following "auditory experience". It could be a stressed mind dealing with the desire to have quiet. I had it twice, or more. But in two separate scenarios. The one was from playing Ark with my Brother and Friends and I also smoked a lot of weed; And as I sought to sleep those echoes sat kindof in my head and drove me nuts for a while. Like I still had the plug in my ear - and I guess I was bothered by how deeply ... attached or connected I was to my Brother. So by trying to push him away, inwardly, it would seem that some bits tried to remain as deep and that then emerged in the form of voices. No clear words, just echoes. The other time was shortly thereafter playing Dark Souls with my friend Martin. Its a similar situation there judging from my insides only that the reason why I sought silence was different.

Its sometimes all in all difficult for me to socialize. Going by time and interests.

The 'resonant' ones are ... well. I wouldn't really call them voices, but ... they are words. Leaving astair aside I would suggest that they are paranoid outgrowths of personality issues. Like so they would tell me that I suck when playing a game, for instance. Its hard for me to put a finger on them. Could be that the mind craves some kind of response to certain things and eventually ends up making them up for itself.

When it now comes to Astair I would generally ignore the presence of voices and by now I think the best way to start with it is to speak about the transfer of emotions. It would seem to me that it is possible to basically suck emotions out of someone. I so had it that upon the promise of getting my own apartment soon that I was enthusiastic. Soon thereafter someone else here also had an outlook of sorts and got excited as I slowly lost mine.

The question at the core is I think that of thoughts themselves. I so had to think about the differences between what Antichristians believe as I think it and how I think things are for real. And that came along with various impressions of how Antichristians work with the thing I just described earlier.

What is clear to me is that first of all we have a way of producing "that whatever" could be taken. And because our minds in a way also follow these things - well, a positive mood can get us going while a negative one gets us stuck. So I can reproduce my enthusiasm but because the absence thereof rendered certain ideas as possibly wrong, those wrongs stop me from really recreating it. Its ... not really clear to me.

Be it as it may - not being bothered too much with these details I would look at the bigger picture. Well, I would so think that we produce "clouds" of sorts - and ... as I believe that whatever happens there is tied to its own physics I don't really believe that those events are perfectly natural - alas: true to the nature of the spirit. But its ambiguous. If we for instance try to think of thoughts and that it were with them as with these clouds - we must wonder how we are connected to them. So, in the "bad" vision which I cannot really debunk yet, the idea is that any produced thought is as much as an independent object. And as we created it so, it can freely move around the cosmos - well - provided there's a respective force to move it as much. So would a mind have a certain diameter within which it holds the capability of doing so.

A step towards 'debunking' or "debunking" this I am looking at the system that produces these thoughts. There's one side that's as we might say 'more in the subconscious' that eventually creates thoughts imbued with a certain "glory" - and that is that which makes it visible as so making it an object. Because our mind is 'systematically tied into' producing it, there's always some remainder no matter what happens to it. Also so with the clouds. An experience or memory. But we can forget. How that happens is still a mystery to me, partially, and eventually the key to this puzzle.

Well, I've thought of it frequently - simply because ... well, I have reasons to do so. After all I on the one side have impressions that me saying that I was John the Beloved creates some expectations in me while on the other I know that I was born without memories. And yet here and there I have that "gut feeling" or ... "subjective confidence" or whatever in certain things. Respectively is it said that people can recover from Amnesia - so that I have to believe that all we lack when loosing a memory or thought is the energy it once had. And upon looking at something familiar, memories are created that then eventually connect back to 'forgotten' ones. And in this sense I think it to be fairly reasonable to believe that this Astair thing is mostly about some Energy that connects to our minds.

Regarding my Trans-sexuality I believe that the Antichristians know that I'm Trans because they tried it and saw the result; And since then try to convince me of the opposite while also keeping me confused by mixing things up a little every now and then.

A reason might be that my gender could be my way of rebelling against God. That I so would come to prefer my male presence and get upset about God turning me into a pussy.

The shrinking of my fat-layer might be connected to this. As of that I would also say that there are two types of Trans people. Those that get their support and those that don't. #JezebelOhJezebel. With a bit of fantasy and some "common" knowledge of certain things one might fathom where this might be going. #ThePatriarchy.

As for a conclusion I would draw the intended function of this Astair as in-deed a little bit confusing or chaotic. I would picture society - in the grand - as a carousel. While some people would always push the boundaries, others would be leaning back and within the back and forth of common and new ideas, people evolve and find their ways. As so there is no right and wrong per se. Whenever something new comes up, how else could we be liking it? Maybe the truth has always been there deep within us - maybe so through a bridge of some fantastic belief - but still we grow and learn of new things and shape and refine ourselves accordingly.

Therefore I have a strong reason to believe in such a thing as the substantial identity. Based on reason. I either way have based on my experience - though, I so found it hard to express it so. I would say that I happen to be the way I am mostly due to experiences of past lives. That I've been baked there and certain things of course carry over. That I so am not who I was is irrelevant because I still happen to be. It may be a pity that I lost X and Y, but for once its all still known by God and for what matters - those thing were irrelevant. Mostly. I guess.

And yet there isn't really a right or wrong - I think. There only is truth - I would or should say - which more than just 'right' or 'wrong' determines the ... "probability" of certain things to be. Like so am I free to just say "Nah, I wanna be male" - but is it likely that I would? Impossible? I would say no - not impossible. But ... undesirable. Of course one could put work into it and yet make it so - but that to me stinks for wrong! Its not what I want! And the only 'why' me being Trans-sexual isn't truly right is because there is no right or wrong in that! There's just ... good and bad? And thats a complex story of its own.

Placebo and Anti-Placebo

General StuffPosted by Nicole Thu, July 05, 2018 21:47:47
During my recent episode, the C-PTSD one, I've had to dig through a lot of mud. And during that I've had to think of a couple of other, basically unrelated things. Like so - "Psychiatry Episodes" from certain franchises. I remember the one in Stargate Atlantis and the one in Sanctuary. Well, the one in Sanctuary isn't quite that. For what they're worth - to me it used to be about reality. Knowing who or what you are, also: What reality actually is like - and not listening to the bullshit of others ... that maybe do but also maybe do NOT know things any better.

I've done what I could - being honest, speaking it out, ... while after all being really melancholically sad in some way. Struggling about what I should do. Melancholic about myself and the realization that befell me.

The final outcome is however not the projected one; Just yet anyhow. What actually bothered me was less the decision, but the truth of what I would recognize as the actually persistent disorder. A disorder I mayhap wouldn't recognize because of certain expectations implanted into my by this world. As, right at the start of this all, ... so prejudices.

But well, ... woe ..., before I'm loosing my head here - ... uh, what can I do?

I so went home from wednesday to thursday, and during that time the problem sortof went away. I had time to spend on things that actually bothered me priority wise; As some time in Street Fighter and Dark Souls. Getting them Uploads done, ... getting some of the real old stuff on my PS4s Hard-drive sorted out and getting started with them Dark Souls Videos.

So, what I did there was actually ... whats the word ... what people do with traumatic experiences, where they ignore it, then forget about it and eventually it comes back to haunt them. Which is basically my whole problem with that disorder. Maybe. Well, in a sense at least. I would try to get my head into things that would make me forget. In the beginning all that mayhap just cause I lacked anyone to actually socialize with. Which, ... could be related but is more of a circumstantial thing anyhow. But so the experienced freedom from being away from 'my past' behoofed me to aspire greatness, while any meeting with my family dragged me down. I would then need time to digest all that; And by the time I'd be ready - another month had gone by.

While I now would suggest that the solution is for me to find a way into independence independently, there also is the threat of just knowing the issue and facing it. However.

Now, yea - so. One item on mind here is the contrast between ... 'bad' psychology and 'good' psychology. The bad way being pretty much the idea or assumption that once someone suffers a disorder, the entire mind of that individual is practically sick and following the rhetorical outlines of given set of problematic issues. But, ... I'm gonna stop that right here.

More to the point however should it be emphasized that problems like Schizophrenia at least for the sake of argument also exist on a spectrum. And beyond a certain threshold we'd speak of actual Schizophrenia. In that sense, not having Schizophrenia so doesn't say that things that do help against Schizophrenia won't help you in a way. (Yes, "duh" does gender exist on a spectrum, if we stay at it that 'sex' is the biological thing. ...).

We can so conclude that when we seriously speak of a mental health disorder, that an individuals 'natural systems of control' are somehow dysfunctional. "Duh". So, while it is said that certain mental health issues imply that a person for instance tends to make things up, one can only safely start to distrust a person once it evidently does so. Otherwise, ... well, ... life can be crazy at times! Now with CRISPR we can't even be sure whether someone 'really' saw a Unicorn or not. Uh, although - being 'open minded' might include that we should believe it 'anyhow' - yea, but then we can also believe in the flying Spaghetti Monster because "why not?".

So yea, the ... line is narrow. And blurry.

At this point ... I need to mention Placebos. Some of the staff here recently hinted out ... speaking about personal health care rights and wrongs ... that for some people Neuroleptica don't work. Now I'm first of all reminded of how it is with weed. Some get depressed from it - so they obviously aren't going to be much into it. I for myself approached the treatment with Neuroleptica like I approach smoking weed - which might be entirely and most utterly different from how other potheads approach smoking weed. Whatever the case did I so come to formulate a suggestion. One who so doubts the effects of Neuroleptica would so come to create something like "Antibodies" - somehow watching whats going on in the mind ... and while the mind isn't 100% biological somehow diverting its effectiveness; While the thing might very well yet do what its supposed to do.

To put that into a proper perspective, according to me, on the other hand we have Placebos. In my idea the way they work is that first of all the individual needs to have an inner, mental/pyschological/spiritual understanding of the disease as to a point where it might derive the supposed antidote to it - should it be psychically resolvable. Then the placebo is introduced and through the belief in it being the right antidote the individual subconsciously diverts its 'belief' into the right channels and thus resolves the problem mentally.

And similarly I should have been able to help myself out of my dilemma. Like if I see that I play too much Video Games and worry that I play too much Video Games the obvious resolve is to play less Video Games. If the problem is more complex I could skip that and move on to the next reason to my problems that I see. For me that used to be 'something else'. Something thats missing - and so the idea of getting 'picked up' would provide me with the possibility of having other pillars in my life which would shift the way I spend my time in a good way. And thats a perfectly reasonable assumption considering that we're social beings. Now, learning to eat again and spending my energy in a good way - thats something I've begun to learn here.

And thats ... in about it. So, left is the issue with Anti-Placebos. Well ... maybe there's a better word. I remember two occasions during my stay in Los Angeles that would bestow me with material to fuel worries and fears for some time to come. The one thing was a guy that I never saw before who got at me the one night I slept in Pershing Square. He had a glass or bag full of pennies and told me that he was my brother. He then told me that he'd give me money from those pennies to get a ride back to the shelter where I was at; And some crazy conditions alongside that I don't really remember anymore. The other guy was someone ... I'm not even sure if I asked him or whether he offered it to me - but it was about a cigarette. He told me he was a demon or an angel or something and that there would be a cost to it. Now - the way I recall it I both times was reluctant to accept their offering, but then they turned it around, making it acceptable. That Demon guy meant something about a weird feeling in my left foot - like a hoof - and it would somehow continue to bother me until some time, I don't know - possibly mentioning it at a point like this. Not sure. However - the thing is that this feeling was there and as the memory of what actually happened blurred out I could worry that I agreed to an unreasonable deal. Its still there, sometimes. Whenever I think about it.

By the way, that Angel Demon guy said that it will soon be over with Los Angeles. "^^"(??) That was 2006 by the way. Could he have told the truth?

But yea, ... make of this what you will! Or would. Or whatever. Peace!

Dealing with Bipolarity

General StuffPosted by Nicole Tue, July 03, 2018 21:05:04
Well, on further inspection it sure ain't some Borderline disorder that I have. I think my symptoms are too tame for that. If on a scale from 1 to 10 8 were like the threshold, or anyhow, I'm more of a 0.1. Bipolarity on the other hand, ... well, ... I don't really get 'depressed' - and actually would generalize Bipolarity as ... "artists Disease". There's just that kind of work that requires some amount of immersion, isn't the regular ... morning to evening type of thing. Ideas come when they come ... though, in contrast to how I lived before I got into this clinic, ... I'd say I've certainly overdone it to my detriment. That so as since I'm here have gained and taken distance to my own 'work' or "work" - consciously trying to more so inch my way back in by doing things that aren't really as demanding and would later help me to have things easier. Well, its ... either way ... also part of the plan. What I've been looking forward to, what I thought or felt like being unable to do at the time ... . Usually I'd say that I don't have enough space to unfold. Doing the paperwork first, thinking things out beforehand. Maybe also due to paranoia, but that paranoia then would usually get confirmed as I'd find myself unable to think. To do what I'd want to.

I think - to assume I have some bipolarity disorder - the phases so far always had some buffering. Either way my activity would dominate my daily life and whether I be manic or depressed ("depressed") wouldn't truly matter. I would put it in quotation marks because I've had a deep depression which I've seen going away since I outed myself. But, ... well, I think I now understand a bit better where the buts to that would be coming from.

So, arguing that BPD comes with problems of associating or developing a personality - is however nonsense. If I have BPD, I even more so have C-PTSD and regarding that ... there's been some hiatus today. Whether its just in my head or not, ... doesn't matter. It just appears to be more difficult now to actually ... say it out loud and ... I worry that it wouldn't even be taken seriously.

Its complicated.

Well, the way that "it" started ... was that at some point today some thoughts about it came into my head. Be it doubts, or just some 'wind' blowing that way, ... I'm not really sure anymore but ... at some point I'd "throw" a link to what I'd be most worried about ... which in this very case is the leash. And as I found it somehow fallen into "those" hands I tore it back out and thats where the drama began. At the end I'd think that they are more keen on 'holding' it than I thought. Really desperate. And the moment I'd leave it out of my sight, they'd fetch it so that the next moment I look its back there. As for the 'real' consequences, ... I simply feel weak to resist them. Or so the issue of keeping my family at a distance.

With all those things running through my head I could certainly appear depressed - or whatever it is that bipolarity has on the other side of the mania. More thoughtful, withdrawn. Its so a back and forth between things that distract one sufficiently enough from those problems and the 'awakening' to the matters that are nonetheless unresolved.

And the more inwardly stressed I am by those things, the more ... it also 'bleeds out' into the visible. As I might so find myself with a rather angry expression on my face while I'm so struggling about a thing, growing necessarily angry, mad, ... boiling, ... about "them".

Initially I would laugh about their efforts. 'These' type of things. But eventually its just too much. It drives me insane and makes me prolong when they'll receive their deserved judgment which I would work towards, making sure they don't get away from it. Well, in those moments however. Usually I get back to a "whatever" - and that mostly because ultimately I don't want to needlessly lessen the quality of my life - but eventually it depends on their suffering. Maybe. But nonetheless - essentially I'd rather have them rot away in oblivion than be bothered a tiny bit about them.

Eventually I'm too much stuck in my head as well. Too focused on these visualizations, not knowing how real they are after all - although the discomfort is very real as it after all triggers my upsetness. But I can look into the now and here and tell myself that I'm in charge of my life. Thus avoiding the issue to slip into my imagination as subject to a battle I don't think I'm likely to win; And rather so taking it to the front of my mind where I make those decisions I finally end up making. And yea - thats probably the 'real' consequence and why schizophrenia and all that stuff are considerably real and serious problem situations/conditions.

"Darkman X got you bouncing again! bouncing again! bouncing again!"


Tadaa! And yea, that Cryptonite thing, ... its coming! Its recorded already!

Dealing with C-PTSD/BPD?

General StuffPosted by Nicole Tue, July 03, 2018 11:17:44

[To begin with ...]

Its weird because I knew/know something is wrong with me but the at the time provided answers just wouldn't work for me. And writing about it, or starting to write about it now, at first feels like laying down in a bed of chaos. Its something that isn't really new on my blog. That from time to time I just feel like I have too much information on my mind to properly know where or how to start.

Luckily I've got some thoughts that would have made it in here were my thoughts recorded. It is about how I "would" ordinarily begin, which is then however also a matter of its own. The first things that come to my mind stem from these, ... well, schizophrenic paranoia - thoughts regarding "Rufmord" ('killing of reputation') - where I so would get to write about what I think people would say to this; As so a matter of downplaying my situation and being like I couldn't possibly have either of the two. I would get into these things trying to from there draw the line to more serious problems. And then probably spend more time dealing with these things; The other half of which would simply be lies; Than I should - thus forgetting the things that practically matter.

As so the recent post somehow shows. There's a thing that has been somewhere on my mind but nowhere near the things I would write about. I might get to write about it eventually, when the situation would allow it. I think it is part of my 'fighting spirit'. As, to some extent we all have been conditioned to not be whiney. To fight. As of that I would shove those weaknesses into the background and be occupied with the things that feel like there's conflict.

This ... also is, I suppose, one of the ways how problems with concentration are associated to a lot of mental health disorders. It is that the person doesn't have problems concentrating per se, but once there are things that just go 'against the wind', one has too many sails set that make it hard to stay on course.

So do I yet feel like I have to draw up a defense, ... being dragged into what those "voices" are concerned of. But I have something of a 'primary line' of ... whatever.

Infantile Amnesia ... is a thing I think I suffer. Over the last year or so I've had flashbacks of memories that ... are of a younger age but they just don't fit into anything. They seem somewhat associated to trauma, but aren't traumatic of themselves. They're like fragments. The other point to complete the line is that 'since I remember', my life has pretty much been like a constant ergo-therapy. Uhm, that is, ... drawing, building stuff (toys, playful), ... well, creative things. Its one of the things I've always been encouraged to do - but at certain points; And thats where I get closer to the 'pool of emotions' I have that makes me believe I have C-PTSD; My efforts have been crushed.

"I believe". Well, I get Quentrapin is it I think, ... and by researching it I got into reading about where its used and known to help; And while I don't think that the usual disorders are the ones I suffer, setting myself apart with the possibility of suffering PTSD or C-PTSD made my mood swing around and all the optimism I had was liked washed away, leaving a somewhat melancholic, sad, ... heavy hearted one. And on further investigation I think one can be rather certain that I suffer some form of bipolar disorder.

PTSD however is usually associated to some heavy trauma - which is something I have a hard time to find. Per se. My childhood has been pretty, ... 'ergo therapy' we can say. But so one of the things I remember is that I once started to draw a Comic; And I asked my gramps to make a case for it out of plywood. I had a concrete idea of how I wanted it to be; Only needed him to cut the wood and drill the holes. And at some point my mum just threw it away. She had a wild habit of doing so. Whenever she felt like our room was too untidy she just arbitrarily threw out all the things dear to us/me. Maybe its an exaggeration, but to me it is not. The 'most recent' of those stunts she pulled is already several years old; But ... I had those pants ... my favorites, ... and at some point she just felt like - or whatever - turning them into shorts.

My dad, he used to punish us with the leather belt. Whenever we did something silly. Maybe we sometimes 'deserved' it - as a means of education. One may be skeptical about those methods nonetheless, but I can't say that they didn't work. Maybe. But sometimes we were punished for 'taking things', and not money. I so 'took' my dads Camcorder at some point because I wanted to use it and didn't think he'd use it. He didn't miss it for quite a while at least. As they found out, we got punished. I got punished. And at that time some passersby heard my cries, called the police and ... thats a memory.

Later I then got to sink my own boat by being in Love with that girl whom I meant to impress and trust by sending her all I did. And that was yet another phase. It might be relevant that I mention that I at that time had spent most of my time daydreaming - usually felt like an outsider or dragged along while eventually all my friends ... or those closest to me at the time ... would make fun of me behind my back and pulling some other stunts.

That would also conclude the 'things' I'd mention in regards to Trauma - something that ... 'things' that simply were too much for me to handle at any given point along the line - with no time given to however gain any distance or comfort or whatever outside of ... ergo therapy.

Right now, ... I only don't want to answer my phone anymore. The time I was "back on the streets" I felt free, redeemed, good - and even happy about my past. It was a great time, somehow, ... at least I had felt some genuine comfort every once in a while, ... but all that changed the moment I responded to my family. And right now its just the same. I was feeling well here - starting to feel better - but eventually I responded to my mum, told her where I was (why I had no time) and now she wants the address to come visit me. And I really don't want that!

How that affects the rest of my work here is somehow uncertain. Sure its close to say that most of my clarity is 'a' way of dealing with these problems; Making up 'fantasy friends' to comfort me next to whatever other excuse my mind would need to somehow believe in it. That doesn't answer everything though, as ... just 'what' the things are I like - but - those are problematic from another point of view; And I'd by lying were I to say that I don't experience any problematic nature in them. But I can say that when I feel happy as a slave, so with collar and leash, it is important to me who held it. If I so were to bite the one who held it - rather - no good! And not just that. Even if the person were OK in some way but just not 'close enough' - "like maybe only my own fantasy could produce" - it wouldn't really work either.

I think a part of those experiences are/were therapy given by God which ordinary doctors wouldn't have thought might help or were good in any way. But there's so the thing: Whatever my problems are, due to whichever experience; Underneath it all is still me - and that is independent to whatever happened to it. So I can't deduce who or what I truly am just by going into the opposite to what ... happened.

And yes - I had optimism before the realization "befell" me - and ponding about this, I ... realize ... that if I take distance to my family - I feel better and my optimism returns; ... has some grounds to grow upon. Now I just somehow need to convert this realization into practice.

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