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How it relates to Tolkien

General StuffPosted by Nicole Fri, November 23, 2018 13:49:26
Well, for sure he came from somewhere and went somewhere. Its a still picture in time - and I think its wrong to assume that what we are in this world is always a clear image of what we are inside. If you're a male artist of some sort, you won't always be a male artist ... per se. So the idea. Who we are and what we might be of course depends entirely on us, ... but so is each lifetime another chance to discover something new. Growth after all takes time. Consequences. So - if we narrow ourselves down to a small subset of things, there's the question for "what else?". So, what is a "painter" in a time where there is no paint? How or how was one a programmer way back when computers weren't a thing? Yea - 'somehow' - ... but not quite that! The latter part is for sure.

Also can you go and take me and put it into Tolkien ... but then you take the consequence as the origin. And I'm not sure if that Star Trek Knowledge applies there. In the "vast echo of the infinite" it might - but too is ever-evolving; So that always there is the 'here and now'. And the more concrete it is, the less it fluctuates in the vastness of the ahead of us.

So, to say that Tolkien was the same little slut that I am ... is probably right. However - I'm quite sure that a lot of the things that affect me are much older than I am. But - so the thing with Mary - I started up as a guy - and respectively do I still cherish male ... well, I did, ... affections for them; Which in turn make me more comfortable within the male position and thus tend to think to a greater degree in that way as where I would not. These are things I've recently come to 'unwind'. By now ... its hard to say, but, ... its difficult for me to really masturbate; I rather lube up my tip and rub that. Well, it started off as anticipation that that would sooner or later be the only thing left. And the 'stem' feeling would transit into a 'hole' feeling. Similar to the Anus with different degrees of 'fucked-ness'. And so also different setups of experience. There's a feeling that takes me in as defenseless and exposed to getting fucked in ways that exploit my vaginas exposure. Well - there is a certain weight of discomfort to it, which is there to make it feel like rape - while deep inside the slut that resonates within cannot denie it. In this sense a lot of rapey things, setup wise, can be done to me. But in that it is already a thing of the Slut. While in the idea 'all' is possible, the 'eternal goodness' demands itself for everyone attached to the True Vine - so that the Slut is finally the thing that matters. She in turn lives between her own Slutty fulfillments and the physical experience of the shackles of slavery. So, what prevents her from being the thing that takes over are the demands that produce other consequences. So, where the Ninefold Light takes over and provides us with strength we need in order to sustain a certain form fundamentally. So, a spine that prevents us from bouncing out of control; So, out of control within a controlled environment.

Which isn't all there is as the mind expands into a new Dimension. Regarding the inflexes and outflexes of our consciousness, there was the thing with the Belugia Natanais - where, right now I think of the 'furthest "way down"' its path of evolution is the 'now'. And we can envision future stages of Growth to awareness of a next higher degree of Dimensionality. A new 'way' of being - a new 'high up Gnosis' that includes the previous one as a given set of options. So, like 2D implies that there is a 'value' (the 1st Dimension) - it creates the vertex by simply ... what. Well - it now '"scales with"' the tool given. A value. A dimension of values. Each 'point' on that axis implies that there is a second value. A vector, mathematically speaking. So, now having the tools of planes, growing into a higher dimension adds value to plane into cube. So, on each [value] of D3, there's a D2, while each D2 is a D1. So, 3 values, where each implies its predecessor. So, what came prior to D1? D0? Or ... comes? Maybe just 1. Because no number is more wholistic - and more real. It is not a value per-se, for the scope of manipulation is not yet there. It just 'is' - and so has superiority to 0. And as we can see, 'zero' -must be- a false concept of ~the void~. //-a propos-

21.11.2018//
22.11.2018

So - where were we?

The Question for whether I want to be this or that "can be asked, but doesn't have to be asked". Like, "lets say, there is a little slut - but she's actually quite creative. ...". "What if" ... she would be born male, in a time and culture wherein Sex and Gender ... had ... "unquestioned positions". So, the 'individual' - whatever that implies at the point of birth - grows up within a culture that is so and so while ~her~ body is "this and that". What becomes of an individual comes down to what it 'does' - but as there are many different types of Video-games where 'the thing to do' is different all throughout, we all live in our individual situations. So, our freedom is restricted. Yet what becomes of us comes down to what we do. What we do "spends time" - and our time that we live is our ... lifetime. Well, this goes to say that creative ambition breeds art - and the thing with Art is that it so happens to be exploited these days. A good idea means Capital - and throughout the times we always required resources in order to build stuff. Well, it was easy, "probably", going out, cutting wood together and build a fence. All the capital required would be - Energy. Sustenance. But how much would be left of that fence today? Well - so, higher civilizations came around when 'capitals' formed wherein the wealth of the regions ended up being carried together. So, the guy who makes bricks knows who and how - and given a facility he can then hire people to mass produce them. This exists in equilibrium with the available work force. Where social structures also emerge in that equilibrium, creating a System to get things going.
So, ... all this coming together happened differently here and there. And when there now is a System that has like 2 positions at the top of the 'brick creation hierarchy' - what is there in 'wanting' to be there? Well, at some point they will need successors, ... and ... those that would naturally follow -could- be those that worked there the longest or perform well enough. So, what we spend our time on - crafts our lifetime.

But what when you so arrive and the thing is full?

Punch a hole? Get someone kicked out?

Well, "the way" ... so might be another one. Its like a curve down a water-slide.

And now ... this life?
My life.


...


I've at some point begun to venture on my paths with backup. That would be this moment in the Philippines where I picked up that book that delivered me to a decision that I would make through which the Lord would impart His blessings on me. Whatever I 'could have done' ... so and so ... to me, would just have been time I might have better spent looking for the truth there where it isn't constantly denied. Well, all in all there was always that 'Challenge' - well. I lived my faith "a priora" - while my family pushed me to find a job, asking me to put it aside as a hobby. But the conflict therein so happened to be that it was the time I had taken 'for' it ("to be real"...) - that took me to those points where I had something significant to share that nobody wanted to really listen to. And so the question of where 'these things came from' - takes me to a funny moment in my old room back then. I had hung green cloth to the ceiling and at a moment where my room was in chaos, these cloth sheets looked like but-cheeks and the chaos in my room as though it was farted in through that. And in essence, it is quite right a divine statement that took further nuance later down the road during my times working in the red-light. I could have things my way. God would clap me on the back by blessing this attitude; And everyone would succumb to it. When things got down to those priorities - my priorities - I can have it my way and God will protect me.

Well, of course within our own code of reason and dignity. So, whatever I did, I also spent time with God. And I'm sure that it wasn't unnoticed! (LoL!). So have we been down our course - and the thing with me is that ... whatever illusory self-image I might have of myself, I basically enjoyed my time as a prostitute as I discovered those certain aspects of myself that have accompanied me throughout my life and there then came together around a -centrified- "reason of logic".

And in times like these where the gender question hasn't only been asked already - we have grown upon it. TO ask it over and over again is to ask for a greater understanding of gender itself, and those of us that believe that we are ~eternal souls~ believe that there is more to it than just biology. We would so grow to another Level by asking for how to deal with it.

But so - what is an 'illusory self-image'?

What is a 'self-image'?

What is ... 'being'?

What is 'essence'?

Is it safe to say that no matter how others perceive one - that one will always only perceive it its own way?
Well. Through QUantum Physics we have learned to think a bit more about certainties - like saying that to every rule there is an exception. That 'smudge' of unlikeliness. So what good is faith in God if that faith doesn't really gap that divide?

So to say that everyone has to see Him for themselves - ...//23.11.2018//...

Well. Is there a point to this other than going onto those huge tangents?

Well. However. There's now the point that I'm not as sure about Tolkien as to confidently influence his reputation; Yet for me - it works. I started up pretty much like I would ... I assume. Whenever I had a tool to do so - I used it for crafting works of fantasy. Early on I took huge inspirations from already established things like the Turtles and Batman - and I had weird, diffuse images that I now would say are from the Silmarillion. Well, the divine origin part. I'm not sure why they were there - but I remember that I was confused by it, also by there being a complexity I couldn't fathom - and so my "own" fantasies in that regard were decisively simple. Cereyllas origin there so is the "Big Bang", symbolized by the Templers "Rose" - which visualizes how the 4 Elements bash together and "spawned Creation" - from where on its the 4 Elements plus "Good and Evil" (Light and Dark, ... whatever). What I didn't have were connections - while being socially strongly dragged into the outskirts of society. I could have gained connections when properly going through school - but the path I was on in the Philippines was a College degree in Nursing and that bad taste of the idea that I might not be able to shake that off of me. That my hopes for going to a Movie School might get thwarted. Well, I drifted away from those things anyhow - and I think the fact that I basically had no real friends is part of the reason why I finally was alright with prostituting myself. There was just me and my ... curiosities ... and the desire for some ... change, ... downtime, ... whatever.
There my inner slut prevailed.
Strongly.
It was, as the idea was there, not even an issue.
Strange attraction ...

And on my way there I felt that my inner femme was ... it was as though she'd be becoming real. And thats how I regard it too - that this time helped me to understand myself in those ways as that I had a lot of time to think about them. ANd so is it practically that what this life of mine focusses on. As I have the chance to think about my Gender - there are going to be answers. And eventually they created that craving that wouldn't allow me to be male.

Whether its going to be how I envision it in my wildest dreams or not isn't the main issue there.

The Case of proper Education (1)

General StuffPosted by Nicole Thu, November 08, 2018 21:05:19
I love it when scientific stuff can be explained Logically. AND so I want to establish the concept of the "first Rule of Logic" as being this: The easier the verbal configuration is to understand - the better". So that the simplicity becomes measure to quality. The point is this: Whence we grow, there is this that what once has been technical and complicated may one day appear in all simplicity. Like, ... the meaning of what it means to be grown up and independent - alias: Self-responsible. Well, at least here we do - as I assume that if these things become simpler - thats better too. So I love to come back to the "parable of the Good old Times" - where I like to introduce a Hunter and how the Craft got traditioned from one Generation to another. The tradition in this is nothing mythical, but simple a convergence between life and relevance. Hunting was required to bring food to the table. Or farming. Food is always a valuable ressource - so there will always be someone taking care of it.
Germany now has a shortage of Teachers - and if I were to blame our Educational System - I'd have to criticize it for having become too distant to the pupil. The pupil is treated like a Lab-Rat, or ... "Lemming", maybe "Zergling" ... the end to which is the also as "Poison Paper" referred to "Testimony" (so the literal translation of what we have as paper that contains our annual (or bi-annual) performance grades. With them the "Lemming" is then to go out and look for what niche he finds to fall into. And maybe the challenge of creating a good Educational System is after all similar to the challenge of winning a game in Lemmings - the game.

But more-over do I think that another problem with teachers is that there so need to people that have the desire to pass on knowledge to the next Generation. And in times where the split of the Generations is really dramatic - there's a gap of understanding and respectively evolving sympathies and grievances. The "Hip and New" attracts the "newer Models" and gives them a space to then even escape the elder generation. And this can also go on through Generations - where the "Escapist" is then no longer "Escaped" since there's a cultural bridge where else there would be just confusion. But still I realize that I don't really have a desire to play LoL (League of Legends). I think that LoL is a brand of society that is a younger generation to the "initial" Gamer crowd. The initial Gamer crowd simply emerged as a branch of Fantasy artwork. I think this is the widest definition. Nowadays there also is the opposition that some would call "Casual" Gamers - where some would like to include "CoD" (Call of Duty) and FIFA to that as well. And I think the dissonance comes from the Gap that exists between the Demands of the games that either crowd grew up with. The more Demanding kind of games - the absence of which is really lamented by many - were the first with ... Programming. Then came Arcades ... as the High End of what the Hardware was capable of. As Technology advanced - Programming Techniques and Ressources grew too - and so the complexity of what could be created. So was there the branch of the "old-school" established Arcade - and the ever evolving field of Entertainent Software. So ... PC Master Race? Well, in that case has gaming been Born on the PC, alright, but gaming itself then was its own branch - so that in terms of "Gaming" per-se, it depends on the kinds of Games you like.
And in the pathology to this text you can find something that you can compare to Archaeology. Well - History. And the so far undisputed Chamption: Causality. Everything comes down to a Reason - and in the Realm of Gnosis the ultimate reason to everything is Life. Life that could not be anything but Eternal and Infinite. Respectively does the term 'In-Finity' in this context reveal a sense of 'non finiteness' - so in the sense of "Never Done". That so because of Causality. Each consequence could so in theory converge with any other - yet so there will always be configurations that are yet to come.

So, did the first Insight now have a Start? A moment prior to which "nothing" Existed? And what is it born into? Thats the final question.

So ultimately we can realize that Existence is a mystery of its own - and so we can rationalize that there is a way in which sarcasm could be bad. I mean - Existence ... to be grateful for it ... or not? "It is - and now explain that!".
Hmm ... so how did we get here? "Digging for the Fundamentals".

The Legend of Good Sex

General StuffPosted by Nicole Thu, November 08, 2018 21:04:04
wrong, replace Legend with Theory ...

The idea is this: The Sex I envision as part of my Clarity is ... well ... considerably good. And this goodness also comes in a given quantity. Which one is better doesn't really matter for too little of either is bad. (Simple Multiplication).

... Done! ...

When Love hurts

General StuffPosted by Nicole Thu, November 08, 2018 21:02:15
its possibly by thinking of the cherished or cherishable moments - that echo like joy while the lamentation of its absence transforms it into something different.

To not underestimate the Antichrist

General StuffPosted by Nicole Tue, November 06, 2018 16:09:38
Finally I realize that this ultimately turns a really good advise when thinking of it so: That God has given him "quite a punch" (or rather: Bunch of stuff that "might be" above our heads).

A Word on Marijuana - Continuation

General StuffPosted by Nicole Sun, October 28, 2018 22:42:22
Bad Childhood experiences? Well, thats why I'm taking it here because that might take a little longer and seems, right now, to be a nice excourse - ... for now. The thing on weed is essentially closed - and I wonder what about it. But in the end its your thing to deal with - and I also want to squeeze out what there is to 'assist you' in this quest.

Well, my sadness in that situation primarily stems from how I experienced my father. By that time I had problems with my Homework. In grades 1 and 2 I ... well, I began doing them with my Grandmother and as I started to become more Independent I realized that I could also just not do them and nobody would realize it. Eventually teachers called home - and that was by fifth grade ... I guess. Well, thats where it started to be problematic because my german teacher was like that. Mr. Simm. I think. Anyhow. But there were also earlier escapades; Essentially we used to "hijack" (stealing is a bit of a bad word when regarding objects that were in our house and so, well, displacing them - eventually I also started to take money and buy stuff from it and yea - that is rightfully called stealing I guess. Our dad used to beat us with the leather belt when ... well, he thought we were really bad. And I know that at some point I started to hide under the bed because I knew I didn't do homework and was afraid that my dad would check for it. He and my teacher had an agreement that the teachers would sign my homework assignments in my book, and my parents would counter-sign it as seen. At some point I started to forge the signature of my dad - and still didn't do homework. Thus I was sent to a school psychiatrist who wanted to find out ... but I don't think got anywhere. All I recall is that I was sent away being told to do better. Eventually my dad took me from that school and put me into a school closer to his working space to have me under more control. In the beginning it worked a little but eventually I could just be out - and not care about it. Perhaps because I had decent grades anyway ... things started to be less of an issue. Or because he and the director where somehow friends? Well, they knew each other.

[...conspiracy theory...]

Some plot thickens - one I ... uh, well. If I think that my family is all a bunch of Antichristians I might also think that they are all involved in some dirty business. Or should - at least to properly reflect on my internal attitude about them. Or Opinion. So, yea, why not. My dad works at the Town Hall and in its ... "building department". So - taking care of construction issues so more on the architect side of things. "Construction Technician".
What I learned from him ... . I learned how to find the center of a sphere using lines and a circle ... err ... compass. I learned that the 'tangent' of a circle is the line that only touches it. So to understand the sentence: "That tangents me just peripherally". I learned that I had a "Lie Bag" inside of me that had to get operated out - and eventually I realized that there is no such thing. And just now it really gets me that this didn't really have a conclusion. Only that I was at a lot of different places I know nothing about. I remember waiting in a Lobby. In front of a Museum. ...

And all of a sudden life was just me and my toys. Then eventually the one and the other Philippin"ian" event - where I learned that my Mother only needs us to look good in front of others. Because all she cared about was that we looked nice - or as she'd think was nice. Or well mannered. And I realized that she only needed us for that, that she wanted us to behave but that I've never really learned it. So that we should be something we're not. That we're only supposed to look nice and smile - and yea, thats that.

Eventually I became tired of those events. I also didn't really know anyone there. There were always different faces, different people - some remained - but the eldest certainly didn't exist sooner rather than later anymore. Marijuana ... I at first tried after High School; And I didn't feel like saying no to it. Like ... as though I deep inside knew that it was good. I was a convinced non-smoker.
I however didn't really get high from it. But it made me curious and in the school after that summer holiday I met some people that made it happen. So, thats where I began to have 'exposure' to it and close enough to 'make it a habit' that I "might pay for". So the interest awakened and soon enough everything around me were just potheads and our ... tangentially periphering surroundings.

And that trend continued after I dropped out of that school and went to the Philippines.


In general I liked to think back and say that I had a nice childhood. I guess that one of the things that I learned throughout that time was that I had it well - "compared to now" - I think. I think. So - I however still understand it - that node of reason has barely changed at all. In all the time. I realized that we had a blessed, ... 'wealthy' ..., life - with lots of luxuries - that others don't have. I come to think about it when thinking about "the kids of today" and how they grow up in environments that are less and less likely to be as 'habitable'. Garden, vast plots of nature, ... storage halls in the house, a garden house, a garage in the storage hall - well, all sorts of toys, a terrace, ... . And my gramps was from Bohemia - which I learned to see through the eyes for nature. Not the biological, but just its beauty [Czech republic].

Now I realize that the way this realization came asks a question about how I got to where I was. Well - I was on my own, ... and eventually - after taking more care thinking about what I actually got - and what others have - and to think about what I wanted - I was grateful about what I had.


Well. To say that I felt alone? I think that ... I was also grateful for my own independence. For what God gave me. I think it came after I really 'felt' independent - or so, put on my own. So eventually I started smoking weed, God was barely an issue, ... and I was more concerned of what I could get. During that period I wanted a Tattoo of Dragon Scales on my right and a Tattoo of Tiger stripes on my left arm. But I also just assumed that I might effort it. And for a point - I couldn't before that time was over.


//tobacco contamination// ... the end?


But anyhow. What I wondered about - I think - is the thing that ... I came to appreciate what I have, after a time where all that didn't really 'do the trick' for me. I guess I basically felt as though God owed me more than what I had. But so I ventured life on my own - and after all it didn't turn out so bad.

Witch Therapy

General StuffPosted by Nicole Wed, September 19, 2018 16:52:31
Now, well. How the story went on is somewhat transparent I think - so within the Matrix. To however go in further depth, well. I ain't really feeling like it. Well, except for this one thing. My Love to her was like a sponge. If you know of my past writings you may know of my returning "perplexity" regarding my male side in regards to my relationships. So I would wonder whether my path would be bad. Where I felt as though my way would not be wanted. While I so felt attached to Monica in this one way I'd also feel as though this way wouldn't be desired by her. I however was conflicted. At certain points this conflict was delivered a bit closer to my mind. I would see "her" in a way that would make my "male heart" jump up and say "Hey! I want to be there for her". I would also think of having a male to female relationship with them, while within my clarity its basically just female to whatever. Me being female.
My Love to Marie changed that. It sucked all those issues out - as they all were concerned of her. And further - the Gender issue was gone. Or is gone. That is one part that I feel although ... well. I sometimes had the impression that she had some sexual interest in me which I'd want to respond to but somehow couldn't. Its strange however since those are now merely memories of the past. Nowadays ... well, to me it seems as though she had changed and now I don't really know anymore ... who she is.

My attraction towards her however isn't male to female. Its more like female to male. But in essence not even sexual although still ... somehow ... sensual.

But anyhow. I at the end sought out to talk with her since I needed some clarity and she wouldn't even give me that I might have a need to talk to her. Total blockade. That so after it seemed as though her heart had softened up. Maybe not enough. But ... I fear asking again - and don't really see a need for it either. She's grown stranger to me - although my head is still obsessed with her. I've seen a few movies recently, most recently the Truman Show (for the first time) - and in those moment where Love is the issue I can't but think of her. And whenever I do, I somehow have to punch myself. Hurting myself. Really. And I guess if the problem is that someone doesn't know what to do - it is a thing one 'can' do.

But what the reply to my letter did was that I've had it there. I wrote about Love being Hope, but that didn't really help me cope with it. In that regard I've somehow been over it, but actually ... not quite. And I still am not. I can't but believe in it - despite being forced to give up my hope in it. One of the first reactions after I've read it was ... that the Abyss is now open for me. I could feel myself standing there - with nothing holding me back and over the time I learned to embrace it to fuel my perverted self towards ... exceeding joy. A kind of liberation from all the concerns that held me back. And this in essence describes the situation wherein that feeling grow which I herein regard as witch Therapy. The getting closer to the reigns of darkness - while thinking that maybe it all has greater reason behind it. That maybe my choice to be as I am required me to give up on true Love, which now might explain this feeling that I've had. Perhaps so the potential of true Love being unresolved - trying to somehow find its place within the structures while stressing me to give up on my path in order to get it. But ... this now bears the other conflict: How could I?

I somehow feel as though it is a choice. That it is in part due to my doing that actually caused her to distance herself from me. In that regard I could see it happen as well. So that whatever the Antichristians had tried wasn't doing anything but moving with the flow that has happened anyhow.

In the beginning, when this love grew, things were innocent. But eventually I thought of it sexually - and noticed how my attitude seemed as though it would flow opposed to hers. Originally my mind was filled with ideas that worked with the impressions I had of her. But then I started doing things, like using Tarot cards, and once more had the impression that it wouldn't fit into our relationship.

So now I however wonder whether there is something that I can do to undo this; While also wondering whether I'd actually want it. Its a weird thing. This liberating feeling got awesome; Well - as predictably stressed out through my inner being. But I can't shake the feeling that there's something wrong with it.

So I however have to wonder about what I could 'actually' change. I damn sure couldn't let go of Monica. And whatever comes from that is inevitably so. By that I regard my clarity and at no point would I want it to change. Well, into ... the other side.

However - Marie is more to me than just a sponge. There to suck out my troubles and to then just toss it away - although I can rationalize that her position might be ... well, as I would expect. As I at one point suggested of how those on the Light side relate to the likes of me. With a certain hate, or maybe fear, despise, ... rebuking us ... which to us is the feeling that prevents us from seeing reason in trying. While we have that hate and such for the likes of ourselves.

If now this thing is settled and there is no choice but to either let it all go or to continue - then I'm glad. I'm happy. Seriously! This feeling of liberation is awesome! And it even gives me doubts. Serious concerns of whether I'd want to be with her since it might bring me love in a way that would obscure this feeling of liberation.
But ... there is still this other feeling, that the absence of it would eventually put my heart into "shock" - and I'd be no longer able to enjoy anything. Shock? Stasis? The issues of monotony which however diverse Sex might be could emerge in some way. That so when there is no redemption from the negativities. In this line of reasoning it seems like reasonable to still believe in this Love. While ... the failure would be a matter of something ... deeper within the maze of our minds.

Suggestively my attitude. Like, it makes sense that the skulls I've had in that dream regarding my Software project were ... well. "Burried Corpses" ... buried as I was dwelling in my absolutistic striving for the truths of clarity. In the flipside I might have to "unburry" them to then be able to get to my software project and to be with her.

It is a thought that however still delivers agony to my heart. Though being with her - that idea somehow stabilizes it.

So in theory are there a few minor knobs I need to switch - maybe by starting to pray differently or whatever - and when done properly I'll shift into the right attitude which then would cause her to warm up towards me.

At some point I was advised to trust her and to await her move. I couldn't since she seemed slipping away. But the more I tried the further she moved away anyhow. So now seems to be the point where this is ... the only thing left. Though in a way I feel like I can't do it all on my own. As so here writing this I wish she would ... help me towards it.

But yea - how to really 'do' something this complex? Its impossible unless its really simple at its root. The attitude to watch out maybe. THen there is counter motion. Like an addiction that would yet take me the other way. And yea, what would real love be without differences of the one or the other kind? I don't know - maybe its just my cynical humor at work.

And well. Now I have to think that I'm a relatively hot bitch. I mean, thinking of how my substitute doctor reacted as I told her that I know that I'm ugly that could be the case. And I mean, I didn't notice just how ugly I was until I saw myself on that webcam. Its really an unfortunate angle. And bad lighting.

On another note, well. THis might be the pivotal example of how complicated Love/Relationships can be. How would I react whence she would bring up topics that would tease the whore in me? And how would she react to my reaction?

Or otherwise - my attitude is that she's the Boss, but how would she experience this expression, regarding that there isn't really such a thing as a Boss when thinking of proper balance?!

Well, I can't be what I am not. So, is she ... "to have but not to hold"? Or is there a way I can be that works out?

Well, it can't be all up to me. Maybe thats the lesbian Dilemma. Who is the man that needs the strong woman?

And in my situation I also don't know how to respond to her teasing my male particles. What I feel like ... what I really want ... is to deny it. And yet, why would she tease it?

So - I'm torn between two worlds right now. In the one I deepen my experience within this sense of liberation, in the other I yet prolong a conclusion to this Love. A positive one. For else it has concluded already!

My only hint: What are those 2 or 3 skulls?


I have to resist my whore-ish urges. I have to decline an atmosphere of satanic religion. And?

OK, maybe I have another hint. According to the small witch tarot - err, lets just say Witches Oracle, its been the Devil - "my Darling" - who led her away from me. Since the Witch Oracle is no absolute book of Truths but here and there plays with someone (as its Lord is the Devil) this plays into the esoteric truths. The Devil wants me for him. In this liberated sense.

One way I see this play out, this way of having this love, is that at one point things shift and I'll betray her; In regards to which she'll find a respectively liberating counter attitude towards me. The same I have for her denying me, just without the agony surrounding it. Well - though a sense of the attachment should always be there.


Well, something that sticks is that the more of an atmosphere I create that she can't be in, the more problems we'll have. In the flipside however should she also be able to create an atmosphere that I couldn't handle. And isn't that the root of a good relationship? I mean, meeting there between ones selfishness? Or in our case to also have some space of privacy? Or, to somehow ... move over to the other side a little. Just enough to keep the whole thing together.

Well, the only way I can solve this is in prayer ... or "meditation". I think the birth of insight is the pivotal issue - and yea, well, Oracles did help somehow; Although - this type of Oracle ... doesn't need to be that. Simply asking "Segulo" is enough. Well, Segulo is a name for that object which functions to give a testimony. Its a block/Box which either movies through a certain membrane or doesn't. "Testimony". And a good trick is to watch out for the "click". But this doesn't really matter until baptized or maybe even unified. Someone should keep an eye on that. Apparently it does ... not? ... work in baptism. I mean, it makes sense to suggest that it is dependent on 'the Force' establishing the Ninefold. Which is the 'expanded reality' ("expanded eightfold") - expanded by God through the Force and His intimate full-time relationship to every yet so tiny thing of us.

If there's a way. Else, I'll continue to drift within this mood of liberation. Yet in it I see no future for much of my workings - while all I desire is to succumb within and into darkness; Where my greatest pleasure is to make my Mother (Monica) proud of me by being a "slutty whore"/piece of garbage.


About Oracles ... a big issue is the trouble that knowledge of something bears. Any Oracle has the chance of altering our consciousness - and sometimes situation may happen to be so complex that even the tiniest amount of a certain bit of knowledge could alter the course. To properly think this into the right pattern for a safe Oracle is something I've been occupied with as of late. At the end a simple symbol based yes/difficult/no indicator should do the trick - or a card indicating how the knowledge affects the oracle and a card to indicate a counter measure. I have a full text for a variety of solutions but its not really done yet.

The most difficult question is however that of choices. In my situation I am however striving for a solution and yet I find that simple is different! Ultimately a rule of the thumb would be that if your ideas change as you move - there's just too much and an oracle wouldn't really help. There are concrns of fate and providence. Providence being fate plus all the things plus Gods plan woven into it. So, fate regards choices as they are abound to happen and providence considers the ability to change fate and applies onto that. Suggesting that God has this much of a foresight.

So it should be simple to play with the idea of figuring out ones providence - as the safest and easiest play to work towards Gods plans. But so far I've come to the point where I 'was' thinking of my problem as one of choice while ultimately I figure that my urging towards a choice is the result of me wanting to change my way in order to get something I'd otherwise miss.
So the problem of choice is ultimately a problem of digging down deep enough to resolve the conflicts that then settle the things that may otherwise equate to choice but are rather so a matter of evolution.

"Target and Conflict driven transformation *of alignment(s)"

And Segulo now tells me that it doesn't matter ... err, no ... thats something else. That the devil however will also help me in this towards the right outcome. So, well, it ... has become a little bit ... of a thing. I mean, originally the step into the dark side has been complicated for me since I had troubles letting go the one and embracing the other thing. But growing closer to the truths within darkness has taken the devil closer - and this "abyss of liberation" has helped a bit too - although using the Witch Oracle was doing so before that.

This now tells me that the changes expected of me don't have to imply a complete transformation of my religious self; Which makes sense given that such should be more so on the impossible side. But ... err. ... She at the very least has to accept certain aspects of my dark-sided nature.

And the Witch Oracle now revealed: I, and so she as well, have to be minded of not dragging the other into the own side - outside of things that concern our relationship. So, if my sexuality is a bit odd she'll have to deal with that, while if these oddities move beyond the thing of our relationship I have to shut it down. In essence this means that she can get the all of me without any of the side-effects. Except that certain things within could be considered such.

Well.

And Segulo agrees with this Witch Oracle. Shouldn't be otherwise. And yea, I asked (and ask) Segulo about getting into Tarot, the Witch Oracle and such beforehand.

And this somehow concludes the Gig for now/today. (And both, Segulo and the WO agree that the 'somehow' here means nothing)

Why would I continue?

General StuffPosted by Nicole Sat, September 08, 2018 20:14:44
There's still something left. To just be concerned of my own self (health) now, there's a strong impression that something is wrong with me. When I look back and have to think that I went wrong again, I seriously have to question my sanity anew. Not that it matters all that much given that I have a solution; So, its probably just ... echoes from the movies I've been watching.

What? Well, 'Wasting Away' presents another one of those "Real World/Fantasy World" type of situations.

There are still emotions I'm riddled by, but I think the solution is rather close. I've observing this in a couple of situations and conditions; And these are independent from what I would consider Love. This 'warm burning' feeling - it would appear within circumstances (relationships of thought) that I didn't associate to it in any way. Its I guess a simple heartache over the own loneliness. But more importantly an emotion that 'cracks into' ... well, the heart attacking a certain weakness.

The impression that it is somehow telepathically generated is there since it wouldn't seem like there's another explanation. Its still hard to really put a finger onto it though. In essence it comes up crawling, suggesting that I've deserved some of it. I've just had it before and that really chewed on my strength. I was sitting there, watching stuff, ... and I'm not sure why its there, just that its associated to a person I think of. Well, respectively the one largest on my mind at the time.

Giving into it is like giving into a dream. Well, "I suggest" - since it's really been a long time ago since I really delved in it.
Nowadays its simply a good reminder to turn away and think again.


And it seems like there is no real difference between this and asking for Oracles. Except maybe that Oracles hold a more tangible possibility to live up to a greater expectation. As so, to unfold ones true potential. In the sense that just stumbling around ... isn't any better than stumbling around with a bit of a clue or hint of guidance.

But yet again I get reminded that I'm still anxious, or ... superstitious, regarding worries. After all, things were fine up until ... I started asking. Looking at cards, wondering what they might mean ... is it really an improvement? How could I do any better that way?

Whats up ahead? How would I know? I mean - not in terms of "whats gonna happen", but "what am I to do next?". How could the cards tell me? ... Humm. OK, I remember, ... that they did. Once. Nothing outside of the ordinary though. ...


Do your chores, be a good person, save the world ... the usual stuff.


So ... in essence I've grown beyond it in a way where I wonder how I can challenge the Oracle. To prove its worth to me, basically. Or, to find the reason myself. To find where, when and how ... its ... actually a practical upgrade.

Silly me. So, I've had it. Once. I may not have succeeded, but ... still it was a success in a way. I, to put it to myself clearly, wouldn't have believed that this state of comfort exists, given the situation I thought I was in. To get over it, despite being actually (and still) utterly incapable of the same. So, I should hold on to that.


So the whole aspect of the future - that is maybe a neat little trick. Otherwise, strength is strength; Whether the cards tell me I have it or not. But, objectively, ... its true that we have "objective minds". Words to the trick. Knowing strength may help me incorporate it into my mindset. Its like stumbling upon something good by accident - just a little bit better.

So, yea. So far I've figured that any 'future' aspect is rather ... useless. There isn't much in it. But ... there's still some surge that keeps me looking for something that I'm missing.

And sure - there's that. Choices. I think. So far I didn't get to a point where I'd have to make a choice. Like, this or that. So far - I'm myself and go/do as I would. Maybe it would have been good had I known beforehand what I'd be getting into. So, well. Let me take a trip back in time to see where the point was ... .


So, I was entering psychiatry and something told me that I'd find my Girlfriend there. Thats one of the things that then came back and helped nourish that hope that was building up slowly. From what I've learned and believe I shouldn't be minded of it. It should be as well would I discard this "prophecy" or not. But its fair to suggest that I simply didn't believe. Its my ... hypocrisy I think. I believe ... in a lot of ways. But when it comes to myself, I'm stuck believing that I'll never make it out of "this darkness". Which is a direct contradiction to what I'm supposed to believe about myself. But I just can't see the way. Thinking of Love its clearer that my first goal should be to 'grow' "my "community"". So that there's not only me. But yea, thats what I've been trying all the time - never to any ends of success.

So, I should have layed my cards back then. Concerning that issue. I mean - Segulo is alright, but ... maybe cards are better. So, what does Segulo say? Will I meet my girlfriend there? No! So. There's a problem though. I met 'her' at a different place, somehow. Different part of the place. Does it make the difference? "Apparently". So, me again - weak. I should say yes. And probably the next answer will be that I'll meet her around "here" (there). So, is that the case? Yes!

So, its at this point no different than having it from the cards. Except that the cards now might take me closer to the subject matter. Except that I met her ... and things went fine "up until". But why isn't God telling me to stop? As mentioned - I was heading a direction that was supposedly or practically bad before I did Oracles, ... and then it were Oracles that brought me to this point of peace. Respectively is it still more or less just a matter of time it seems.

But my problem is this: I'm afraid that God turns out ... wrong. Or, trolling me. I don't dare say 'yes' to anything good since I worry that its going to turn out differently - and to a certain extent thats like a mask. That of me doing these things. I have to keep the faith but am in certain regards unwilling to truly believe in it.

But so. Taking it this way ... I've been drawn to draw a few cards - or to shuffle. And what did pop out was the 9 of swords. Which, in this context has a more transparent meaning. It can't say 'no' at this point. So, its more of a sign by which I would know her. I mixed on wondering about ... what else I might need to know and four cards fell out. There's a fight, there's a "crossing" of sorts, there's the page of coins and the hermit. All things that by now are basically already history. So, I could tell that these are the challenges or events along the way.

But now I worry that I was wrong for not being well prepared enough, thus worrying that the 5 of coins is as a death sentence.

"Spiderbrain, Spiderbrain ..."


Or, its just another part of the road. But ... what do I do with it now?

I guess that's where we're back to ... the beginning. There's only one way I would have picked up Tarot Cards; And thats on base of Gods interactions with me. So, that happened when it happened. No sooner or later. The idea was always there, but ... as usual I have a tendency of standing on the wire. Err ... hose.

And when it gets to anything but just surfing through the day, also relatively clumsy.

So, I don't feel like I can get to any other point right now and here but to keep trying - to maybe find what I'm looking for.

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