My Blog

My Blog

An essay of naivety and deprived objectivity

Fundamental/EmpiricalPosted by Nicole Sun, May 20, 2018 22:04:19
I do have secret desires, by which I mean that as my thoughts travel I do stumble upon those that let me 'pray' for them 'please to be real'. And by 'prey' I mean it that way. Well, maybe not in the classic sense, but in the way that the mind invokes God to direct it at Him and the thoughts feel as though they get embraced. First I would hide those desires deep within me - fighting against them, but later after easing up about them - in response to God - they eventually turned into prayer.

But what? There's a lot of "dark" stuff on the Internet - and at times it would seem that, well, in general I would tend to seek to get rid of Taboos. While that may after all be the case, objectively defended by the compromise of looking for what works instead, its not all ... well.


There's a clear image in my head that drove my exploration for quite a bit and it also shaped my understanding to no minor extent. I was watching a porn video wherein a pregnant woman was fucked by multiple guys. And they hit her hard. But while that was going on - well - what I understood as Gods actions at the time synced into my mind and there was a clear message. It was as though God took the position of the guy to show me what went on 'within'. And what I saw, or rather felt, was hate. Well, hate is too broad of a term I guess. Hate not directed at anyone - even more so would some kind of Love bind those individuals together, but hate simply put as a means to perform the act. To thrust in, doing it without any consideration for what might become of the child - or even so with the full intent to fuck it up before it even gets born.

Can I take that seriously? I wondered - but more and more I fell in Love with it. Not only lusting for being in the position of the pregnant woman, but also for being the child in her belly.

In my fantasy however - it doesn't really get that far. Once I fantasize of being pregnant - the guy is either somewhat careful or once I crave for more - my imagined inflated belly all of a sudden disappears.

Two conflicting pieces of information it seems. Yet so they don't stand without one of them getting "flagged" with a but. Incomplete information however, as always the case, ... how to deal with it?

One thing though got clear to me: As God is a part of us, our actions may as well be His. Being careful here - it might depend. It would seem like one thing that matters is whether the mother is to be "preserved" or not. Whatever the case, I started to desire being as lewd as my mind could possibly imagine - and with great joy did I behold how my mind appeared to be perfectly in tune with that. There is nothing I hold up there that I would regret loosing in whatever insanity were to unfold - except things that I might loose for the purpose of loosing something I cherish. It would be difficult to convince me of letting these things go, ... except ... when captivated in the proper circumstances.

As of these things I took it upon myself to write about these things in a purposefully aggressive manner. And while some sense of sanity would scare me off of those things a certain fascination and lust for "the horrors" of what might be legal on behalf of the divine emerged.

Although I didn't think it for possible I started to love the idea of getting beaten up - beatings of love that would allow me to internalize the determination of these respective partners and allow me to fall into the comfort my conceived misery in this way of living.

"Grand Success" in shape of being finally lost forever. Forever ... what a dull word ... - forever seems far too long, but yet I wish it to be so. I don't find it as unreasonable. I find that my mind is already so close, it would seem that all thats missing is a little push. A little push, shoving me down a line of misery, agony, ... punishingly rough at the beginning but yielding me in the way I want to be. Respectively did I embrace every moment where I thought I could take no more, speaking of fantasies - masturbating, but yet experienced pleasure that came upon me as inevitable as the effect of a drug to the sober mind.

In the silence of my fantasies and the niches of my writings I'd pray for being a victim, to glorify the sins of sexuality as such - craving for a rule of Lust by which these pleasures could exist as a definitive branch of the eternal paradise.

Respectively did I embrace the sensations of craving my one true Love to be dominant and sadistic towards me - craving for being her victim rather than her lover. Over time I retreated from that more and more though, just to find that still ... those feelings are mine truly. Far enough for me to eventually worry that my reluctance to embrace these things might win.

I task myself to be objective, but deep within I want that objectivity to be a lie - at least once it strives against these things. A lie since in truth I'm already determined about it. Yet - as these "suggestions" stand consolidated to me they trouble me once I get back to my senses and realize how wildly unfathomable they are.

Comfort comes in shape of rationality. It would only have to start - taking me in - and take me over the hill by simply continuing. Soon enough my reservations would be gone and I myself locked into a downward spiral of hopelessness regarding my future that would from there on be the norm.

From there on out fantasies of death and mutilation are just a small step away, ... a small step into a whole new world of pleasures I crave to explore. All in due time. And in turn of that I find my masculinity shaping itself to be female, submissive, aspiring to be the framework of a slut thats bent to expose herself to that life. And all that I once was would grow more and more distant - excluding my shock about it which would draw the outer hull of the expanding vacuum of lust within me.

Then a few clicks, key-strokes and up it is. What next? Nothing but to stare at the emptiness of my life. Maybe finding something to enjoy. Something other than porn - as I find my desire for such saturated. So again I grow away from those things and eventually start another writing wherein I write about it. Again a few clicks, key-strokes and up it is. And next? Sometimes its shame, other times ... a nagging need to correct myself. But what to? It couldn't be ... what I just denied? Could it?

I hold to myself that I have no way of really knowing, something that comes easy whence I'm confused. So I write and I find opportunities to sophisticate thoughts that rise up against my cravings. Yet - I always think, ... that I might be wrong about it. Think? Might? ... Forebode ... maybe. And then it clicks. Thinking of the sense as foreboding, it clicks. I want it. I wish it. But how? How could I ... explain that now? After all the 'sane reason' I've put into it? "Well", I think, "once I get born in such a way that ..." - it could be necessary. It should be! It would be! It feels ... complete! In a sense - this unlocks the most depressing opportunities I crave to enjoy.

I then remember things. Like the old Narnia movie where Aslan sacrifices himself. Back then it evoked a strange pleasure within me. One that gradually faded away quickly enough to be as though it never happened - and as faint as my desire to explain that any further. Then I feel cuts - and suddenly I know that I really don't want any of that. Or needles. Except the latter ... doesn't fade away without leaving an intoxicating sense of pleasure I might get out of them ... scaring me ... until one day it made sense to me. I still don't like it. I wouldn't ever do that to myself. Drugs can do horrible things, ... but not all poison is always bad!

Eventually things come to an end. The package is wrapped up. Its full, its smooth, ... nothing missing, ... yet it feels like it is too much; But were I to take anything away from it - I start to realize that I don't want that.

State of Decay

General StuffPosted by Nicole Sun, May 20, 2018 18:51:45

#Thereare4Lights [a PSA of sorts]

Whats the state of Taiwan these days? Is it its own country, or is it a part of China? Well, as far as I'm concerned there's something of a Troll ... like what Shadow Link is for Link ... that generally, how can I say, ... well - its not a person. Its myself, basically, ... but ... not really. More something metaphysical. But so, this troll is somehow 'taking away' - or would try to ... if I so wrote stuff like "Pro Taiwan" or "Free Tibet". Or: I'm looking forward to meeting the Dalai Lama. But yea - its more ... just so that it isn't the top priority for me and when I decide to start over it tends to remain forgotten, for some time.

But its not that important anyway. What this is actually about is that 'to me' the dress is blue and black - and I wonder: If anyone who gets in is gonna have to answer that question, how many do not see it that way? And when asked more specifically, in case they don't see it as black and blue, if thats just some mental gymnastics BS or actually genuine.

The issue with it would be: How many of us accept the matter that it isn't blue and black for everybody? How many of us just give up arguing that its black and blue? And it turned out, so I read, that it is matter of fact black and blue, so - white and gold ... where does it come from? How? I mean, there are explanations - but they don't work in this context. If color A looks like color B in certain conditions, it 'looks like' B - so, even if it were white and gold - its still F'in blue and F'in black in that picture!

And now "they're" trying it with sound.

And yea, sure ... next we all agree that Taiwan is a part of China; And shit like that. And yea, there are explanations - like this:

picture; So, Taiwan used to be Chinese people that went somewhere else. So, 'historically' speaking we can say that Taiwan 'is' China, but then we have to say that China is the renegade state. Sotospeak.

I'd be hard pressed to see white and gold on that dress. Easy answer: Open the image in gimp and use that tool to get the RBG values. Period. How hard can it be?

Matrix video 4.2 the first ... the first track ... "Parameters of Perfection" ... nothing? Or ... even cooler ... Deichkind - Denken sie GroS instrumental. Nothing? The result? "Stunning!". I mean, I'm familiar with the concept of different viewpoints. Just as demonstrated earlier with China and Taiwan. In the same vein ... the USA is actually Germany; ... . Yea, and Trump is the new Hitler. Crazy how that goes. Weren't his ancestors German? I guess I heard that somewhere. Part German.

We can flip and twist things and sometimes its funny. The truth is flexible - and history is written by the victor.

Like so, take an army, invade a country, ransack its resources and label it ... I don't know ... humanitarian aid ... or ... doing them a favor. "Civilizing the uncivilized". And for as long as there is at least a hint of influence from one into the other, thats even 'the case' - except that actually it isn't. We can look at it that way though - and people with a philanthropic vein might actually take it that way and certainly be off doing something good. Thats ... just the thing. Something happened, good or bad, now ... the only good one can do is based upon the situation.

I can see it a bit clearer here. Otherwise ... I'm hard pressed to find the point from where I can trick my brain into thinking that this blue is white. And even on this picture - there clearly is a little difference that does the trick.

... Funny how Tailor Swift appears in this story again ... (In the Wikipedia article on the Dress)

Its all kindof not a big deal, but then again it is. We can set it aside - but while I think I would do that, my consciousness is already breeding upon a different connection. Speaking of conception and misconception in general. We can think of all sorts of issues that are somehow ambiguous between two groups. Like, ... Einstein. Theists and Atheists can both "Love" that guy. His God related statements are sweet enough to a Theist to refer to them - but also scientifically clean enough to still regard him as an Atheist.

Utopia is a thing. Or, maybe 'Socialism' makes the best example. Or, to take a little detour: Joseph Smith Jr. mentioned once that Conservatism is bad. Its not in the "Teachings of the Presidents" book dedicated to him, but there's another "Teachings of Joseph Smith" book wherein that can be found. Yet most Mormons vote Conservative I believe.

Yea, Lincoln was a Republican - and Democrats were the bad guys. Republicans were progressive, Democrats conservative. So that however!

And that even takes me closer to making a statement on whats the 'definitive' proper political 'label/identity' for Christians. I could boldly go with Joseph Smith and say that Christ in all that he did was progressive and liberal - except when it comes to his interpretation of Religion certainly a conservative hardliner. Not conservative in regards to what the public perception of Judaism was - but more so 'truthful' or 'practical' about the source material. Anyway did Jesus not come to defend Judaism or the old Covenant - so the Sermon of the Mount is a great piece about Gods progressive standards. We can also read into the stories that Jesus didn't really expect Jews to easily accept him as he rather argued by conjecture and parable. Which later turned out to make sense if we consider that the mission that the Apostles and Disciples received would send them out into the world - and not round about Israel.
It so happens to be relatively simple and comprehensive and especially meaningful to understand Christ in this way. There were those Jews that wouldn't accept 'any change' - simply enough because they had a "hardcoded" idea of what the Messiah was supposed to be, which he certainly was not (true to the idea); And so he spoke in words that would 'make sense' - simply enough because, well, "He could".

"Worlds first!"

So - we can derive a difference between Conservative and ... "Base Progressive". The latter being conservative in a sense (true to the source Material), but not in a way that shuts down progressive idea. Neither so is it Progressivism in a way that shuts down all 'empirical thinking'.

Yea, I guess ... thats that!

And if you give the book of Ezechiel a try you'll find that, well, as within the Prophets in general; Once the content isn't just "I'll smite these and those - Speech of the Lord" - a lot of lamentation about ... "peoples reluctance to think". So, there's a saying that gets mentioned there which is: "The parents eat bad bread and the children get rotten teeth" or something like that. Obviously referring to points where God says that He'll punish the offspring of people; Somehow like He blessed Salomon on behalf of Davids 'good deeds'.

Like so we can look back and be cynical about it. How God changes His mind like He isn't perfect at all. But being a bit more realistic and reasonable we find that those were simply the times. Nations had their idols and would act according to their beliefs ... . More true to the topic can we find it hard to relate to "Prophets" like Moses or Samuel because the situation that God had a plan for them biases our perception of what kinds of people they were. I guess the only one who sticks out is David - where the odd thing is that he gets a lot of praise although the story is more one of a person that 'didn't' do what God wanted. Well, neither did Saul - but he gets a bad wrap for it.

But so, punishing a person "for Generations to come" - there is a sense of truth in it. If a pad person - so in context to a dominant religious idea - raises its children, those are most likely going to be "just as bad". Because education. "Most likely" because ... after all we're all individuals - yet so would it be in the power of God to either sustain this 'ill growth' or to work against it. And then we have it as a word of Christ that he didn't come to bring peace, but to bring the sword that splits families. Wherein we could read the exact opposite. As - I'm sorry I don't have the exact location - somewhere in Isaiah if I remember correctly we have it about "God changing "the wisdom" ("of things")". Where I have to think about the story of Job. That story is one where there's our protagonist and a lot of bad things happened to him and as it has been the religious conception of people at the time, that meant to them that he was doing something wrong. The thing between God and Satan might just be a plot device to generate this 'higher point of view' - to from the start say: He actually didn't do anything wrong - it is the misconception of his fellow people that makes it so. (I think it is generally believed that Job isn't in fact a historic account. How it got into the Tanach/Bible ... who knows?).

In a lot of ways 'belief' does matter. Once we're too indifferent about important things we generally lack it - in terms of what we 'can' do. Or what you so believe about God and his prophets determines how you'll think about their words. For instance: Being pro prostitution. Depending on what type of male or female you think I am the idea tastes good or bad. Or for how the situation is presented to me: Me being 'pro prostitution' seems to have the opposite effect for some reason.

In essence though, so in terms of the Bible, there have always been those 'others' - those that by definition were heathen - that were looked upon favorably by God. So did God, by picking Israel, not start with a clearly globalistic ideology but one that supported the nationalistic logic of the time. So nobody can say that God ignores the obvious. But still there is enough space for those that want to think progressive to really do so; And in all the stuff that followed - in the big picture - it wouldn't matter that much anyway. God kept Himself in the background and so in a sense every Religion is Gods religion as much as none of them was truly His.

Yet it would strike us as odd if there were 'nothing' at all.

Now, belief isn't strictly this 'religious faith' - belief to me in general is the strength of our ideas. What else do you do, other than strengthening certain ideas, once you try to 'believe' in something? Or don't you? I guess ... a lot of times belief is simply passive. Something starts to make sense to us, we find fulfillment in it, ... ergo we believe. It happens automatically. But there is an active side to it. Or: But there is a passive side to it. Right and Wrong ... strictly taken ... only exist in context to whether what you believe in is right or wrong. And which is which?

So, there are two sides. The true prophet and the false prophet. Or, the true prophet and the false prophets. As chance hat it - chances are that a lot of people will fall for the false ones. And as reality has it - I'm no charismatic leader anyone would fall for. Does that make me a bad (false) prophet?

Anyway. In general I observe two sides. And keeping you and everyone else out of this picture we can simply look at 'belief' as a substance. Maybe a resource. We can so apply the logic that we'd tend to take the way of least resistance - because ... thats how energy works and (our) will is effectively the base of energy. The way we make sense of things is a matter of finding "those juicy connections" that just "click" - basically. So, if you're an Atheist (and sorry if you no longer like that label) and a lot of scientific arguments click for you, you so gather "Atheistic belief". Regardless of Theistic correctness or implication - that is in and of itself not a bad thing. You simply find meaning in things that generally ignore God because God lacks tangibility. So, in that sense you can be both, a believer and an Atheist - so I prefer the term 'Gnosticism' to wrap it all up - simply ... uh, I digress.
Anyway are there 'routes of power'.
So, China claiming that Taiwan is a part of China is one of those things. It creates a narrative that is backed up by some influence which makes it respectively difficult to say that Taiwan is its own country. The truth of that matter is that you are 'supposed to choose' whether or not you acknowledge, in this case, the position of the minority (Taiwan), basically. You can look at the history and make your decision. Or make it easier for yourself and simply don't listen to what the Chinese government wants you to believe. The point is that you eventually get conditioned to take it one way or another - without actually understanding the underlying truths.
Classically the situation would be simple. Taiwan acts as its own Country ... therefore it is. Now China says it isn't - and as China scolds airlines for listing Taiwan as its own country and those Airlines follow suit, ... well, thats power routing in action. And eventually ... well ... "thats the way of all things". "The way of least resistance". Like ... "who cares?".

Like so have we gotten used to contradiction. We/I would be really surprised if there were one topic on this world around which there wouldn't be some controversy. But 9/11 didn't get debunked! WTC 7!!! What about that? But as things played out and those that called 'conspiracy' couldn't make an impact - the dominant narrative simply became that its a "Conspiracy Theory", a.k.a. ignoring it, ... and all debunking that somehow explained how the Twin Towers fell got accepted although they couldn't explain what up with Building 7.

Its ... useless information, or ... unnecessary weight. Its a way to make your life more difficult. I don't have a problem with that because ... "I have the truth" ... whats easy about that? I mean ... difficult is my "third forename". Uh ... whatever.

So, now that we understand the concept of "Power Routing" - which in part is a natural effect - I want to brag about how I'm different. I mean, of course! I too have some degree of "self' interest'. I mean, obviously thats my "big point" here.

So, to get to the PSA part - there are things we can learn from this. To pick something small - lets start with belief and the story about Atheists. So, Atheists and Believers are 'worlds apart'. There's a clear 'Atheistic' path which is science and rationality; And there's a clear 'Believers' path which is scripture and faith. Each side has a 'wealth' of thought and idea that defines them. This leads to some degree of "Golden Chaining" which in general makes it difficult for one to become the other; But if it happens we expect that change to be dramatic. So, an Atheist would abandon all reason and a Believer would abandon all faith. To so fit into "the narrative"/"Pattern of Powers". And there are additional reasons to actually support that change. The Atheist who becomes a believer can see all that reality has to offer as 'useless tat' while the Believer who becomes an atheist can see all that religion has to offer as empty promise. We can see those as ideological leverage points. Those are 'stimulated' as we 'force' our minds to embrace what we think we are to embrace. We so apply 'energy' - or in other words: Force ourselves to believe. So, a believer who grows upset would use his upset as a starting point to discard all religious nonsense from his mind as craving in some 'rational sanity'. Antichristians would look forward to throwing in some signs of God so the upset person doesn't abandon faith and is so prone to become an Antichristian/Evildoer. "Path of least resistance". #Causality.

Now, I want it to be obvious that I am concerned about that. That I don't like either of the two. And what do you care about what I do or do not like? ... Uhm. Whatever. [Hmm, I have to write about "Whats cool?" at some point. Answer: Something Antichristians would like to be good at - HAAAAA ... hehe ... uh, ... uhm ...]. But yea - I'm so sharing a message and as the previous paragraph was about to point out, there's that "Golden Chaining" - and there are 'ways of reason' that I think are likely to "occur" - but, they don't work well with what I think, believe or understand. And yea - I don't make a big deal out of being incorrect here and there, or ... that what I do is more 'experimental' than sophisticated. So I want to be "this fair" about myself or so the value of my opinion - to say that it doesn't really say anything per se. But I can certainly do one thing: I can think about why God favors me! In Church (SDA) I used to be more of a troublemaker, I used to be somewhat kleptomaniac (and thats also a thing I could write more about), ... to say that I have reasons to at least superficially speak myself into being a bad person. What I understand of myself as things that God could like - well - are things I had to figure don't work well generally. But intimately I know that God loves me; And sure - that isn't always clear to me either. Every now and then I can go on and think that so far nothing payed out - and that all that I could call "Gods Love" did turn out to be pointless. And I'm sure - yea, thats a good example for earlier where I introduced that belief matters - some would extract that as 'my message'. That I so try to say that God doesn't care by simply pretending that I'm a believer while all you could see is how God punishes me (for it).
But I know that I'm not a person - or at least: I don't want to be. Anyway - contemplating upon virtues and good and evil one must realize that righteousness cannot be proven without something evil. Good and Evil so are 'relative' - well, to our given social order. And that basically is "Nazi talk". Its true, but potentially misleading. Then there are those that would criticize the 'dominant order' for being bad and those would be evil. They would disrupt order - and so its just a small step away from genocide. And religious fanatics ... they see good in that. Not unheard of.
But so - what then ultimately happens to be good is up to God. In this narrow sense. Everything else is evil.
Now, I do experience Gods love in a way that is exclusive to being Unified with Him - and this is also something of a weakspot. I experience Gods Love on a cognitive Level as there is some kind of embrace regarding something of a wholesome understanding of myself that had grown over time; Which basically means that God loves me the way I am - in a sense. Not entirely - as that message would ultimately ... well, render ethics irrelevant.
Its a weakspot because a lot of it is ethically ambiguous or 'raw individualism'. Uh, ... this is more difficult than I expected.

But yea. Back to the point I guess. The way God designed His revelation - so in part by me being the medium to it - is relatively ... open. So, to be precise about it: I can't tell whether there are Aliens or not. Which in other words would say that we also welcome "Believers" of that kind. In regards to pretty much anything there isn't much I could tell you - so in terms of a Yes or No answer, or Right vs. Wrong. This creates the simple narrative that in essence there is no wrong.

And well, that was easier than I expected.

But so, in terms of believers of 'that kind' - the Moulder kind - we have to understand that we also welcome the exact opposite to that. And that is one "hint" about the wrongs within us. How they exist. We can't easily pick major items and label them one way or another. The right and wrong is 'within us', how we approach these things. And I don't expect there to be no conflict at all. Or difficulty of some kind. There are the 'major' changes which simply come in relation to baptism - so - the willingness to be cleansed/transformed; Which I believe makes us inherently righteous. There is a perceivable difference - internally - and that sets us up for 'getting saved' - as it says that Baptism is all we need for salvation. And so it should be clear how it is a requirement for Unification.
The invitation part is a bit more ambiguous and in essence I can only guess about it. So - I think I wrote as much as I can about it - at this point. Which now includes this ... saying, well ... "maybe?". Well, maybe everyone is invited? Well, I guess its more like a communicated 'failsafe' to say that baptism isn't enough if you're not sincere about it. I mean, "I can already hear" ... those saying their things in case that second condition were missing.

There's a gap between those Moulder type individuals and the structures of power. So, 'conspiracy theories' "run rampant" because we in general have incompatible interests. So, folks that believe in those conspiracy theories - they can't just 'look' behind the curtain; And that our governments tend to do things we don't understand only re-enforces that in a negative way. And bringing the two sides together make for a great case example. The science people have this inalterable position of authority because ... well ... thats their job. #PhysicsWorks! "End of the discussion". "Moulder"s on the other side - well - they come from a similar angle, but the things they refer to ... they are usually more on the not so clear side. (A note against the Fermi paradox: What reason would Aliens have to populate every planet?)
Well, some people are however convinced that there are Aliens - that they have visited us - and it would be hard to convince them of the opposite I guess. So, the solution here isn't really a solution at all. "The thing" comes down to how the two sides interact. The Alien issue at first is a 'question' - while the Science side at first is probably composed of folks that don't know - lets say. Then over time the quality of evidence or counter-evidence exists in a different context. The general gist: We learn how to cooperate as a whole rather than as isolated cells.

Uhm - so, in a "worse case" scenario, "Moulder"s would continue being Moulders - and lets say that Aliens don't exist - that would eventually get 'corrected'. I for instance don't really "buy" the images of Nansen - like, that little ditch there doesn't look like it could be what we see from higher up; While I can see how the images of the Black Knight satellite - there are angles of the thing that don't make sense - eventually. And those to me are the two most compelling things to look at. If the BKS isn't there anymore, well, bad luck. We can still look at Nansen. If it turns out to be just a ditch - well - then "thats that".

It might take a while before we can 'operate' on that Level - but certainly there is a truth; And thats what matters.

I feel a bit queasy here. This would be another example of how belief matters. Right now - you could say that all I want is to know whether or not there are Aliens. Makes me think that there are! Because the way I feel, well, I feel like someone wants to hide something. Might however just be in regards to the leverage this argument has.

There however is a truth. That ... is certain. And sure - in a sense I do say that we have a right to know; And if thats how it goes - well - then I'm there at the 'front' of that movement; So - once the other side hides away behind their "Government walls" putting up the "No entry" signs. But what I'm proposing 'does not' - I repeat: DOES NOT - equate to 'storm the buildings'. Thats not how this works ... or should work. But if some Streisand effect type of things emerges from it - well - what can you do?


But yea, how's the matter if someone so signed a ... thing ... to not say anything, ... like we see in Stargate? Hmm, I could say - the existence of this issue already proves that there's something fishy going on! I mean ... seriously. I feel like that 'is' an issue. Well, at the very least one of "diplomatic" kind. Well, if I wouldn't sign anything and I revealed what I learned, that would render all those signed papers irrelevant. And if I said that I don't know because I didn't sign that paper ... that also would kindof ... tell something. If I signed it - well - things would come down to a more general ... thing. Like, going through 'all' the top secrets and re-categorizing them; Because ... sooner or later thats gonna happen!

And until then people would have to judge for themselves what "I can't talk about that right now" would mean!

So, wow. Good that I got here!

And now on to sexual items?

Well. Things have changed. I'm confused about which parts of me I could trust and which ones I couldn't. At first however. Certain things though led me to believe that in general nothing changed except how I emotionally react to them. So, Pedophilia as the primary issue - the thing is that as I open up the issue and thus force myself to an honest reflection ... well, at first I couldn't tell. Thats where I was previously. But, now that some time has passed upon it I find myself where I used to find myself and that while being the same is still somehow different. I 'love children' - but I also really don't! I'm somehow scared of them. I don't have any real relationships to any child either. Except for my niece. I however think I'm too busy - too much wound up in my own things to be 'child friendly'. Unless they're into Videogames I guess. Which would apply to my niece. So, there's that. I'm the cool uncle - or ... now ... more like an aunt. While she might be more of a nephew. But thats beside the point, in a way.

I guess what most people are or would be concerned about is how the Pedophile in me "works out" emotionally. Or at the very least would all 'shit' thrown against me generally imply some stance towards the matter that ... uh ... would ... correspond to a "Catholic Priest". And well, thats a thing ... that changed. The easiest way to actually say what 'actually' changed is that "the red stuff is gone". And eventually this issue should be part of a greater discussion about personality, emotions, righteousness and that sort of stuff. I was really close, if not actually there already, to saying that I can't be trusted. But thats me possibly being too harsh with myself. To me its easier to be self-deprecating than to say "how good I am". Which is maybe more 'false virtue signaling' than just being honest. However you spin it - its wrong! I would be lying if I said that there were no signs of temptation. By which I mean the thought of the possibility. The closest thought: What if I'd be alone with my niece?

Being less specific though - at some point, while I was immersed in those matters, ... uh - well. First of all I fought it - the red stuff - because it simply didn't correspond to me. And I doubt that it actually would make me do anything. Except when reflecting upon my emotional constitution. So, possibly from those efforts of denial I eventually "gave into it" to the point of saying that I 'have' an actual desire to "experience it". And thats I think legitimate. And that because from arguing with myself back and forth there emerged unanswered questions that solicited the potential inevitability and so an actual desire emerged that somehow got lost in the red stuff which proposed the same.

Now, without the red stuff - things became 'even better' ... or 'worse' ... depending on where you stand. The red stuff I think would 'spike' me towards doing all the things you would condemn me for. So, predominantly pedophile and snuff fantasies. Or maybe less snuff but more torture and rape. So ... somehow unrelated: Within my masturbation fantasies, well, certain vaginas 'feel' different than others. So - its difficult, in that regard, to think that there isn't more to that. Respectively are those that I 'love the most' ... well, they don't feel particularly well in that regard. So one of the first things I noticed is how little I actually care about my male satisfaction. So, without this constant 'drive' to look for it. So, while I (think I) love X and Y - I'm rather happy that I don't have much of a male pleasure in them. While "the others" are still on the tempting side of things - its easier for me to take that as a 'while I can' ... or ... 'if "forced" to' type of thing. (By the way: I have a certain Futanari Kink but it doesn't really carry over into 'real' "Chicks with Dicks" ... so, there's a distinct difference between drawn and real pictures - and as I experience it are the Futanari Kinks existent on a very 'deep' Level where Love sortof blurs "physical constitution" as being more of an emotional thing. So I suppose that those I'm really intimate with are respectively 'gender fluid' - some of them at least - ...).
Uh, so - 'feel's. So are there those that don't only tease my male side, but also do tease my dominant side. And about that, ... there isn't a whole lot of it. The red stuff however would amplify that - basically setting me off at a point that is already beyond my general comfort zone. And it would also kindof 'anchor' me to some kind of 'male pride' based on which I would see myself in a male position, generally speaking. So, when thinking of the future in sexual possibilities regarding my and my self-awareness that would right away draw me into male realizations of my fantasies 'setup' on a generally more sadistic starting point. And it was hard to look beyond that. What I can see now is 'why' I 'craved comfort' ... well, having a desire to get redeemed from 'it'. Intimately from 'the red stuff' - but when details blurred in the sea of stuff that could also appear as the whole.

So, when thinking about it there is no particular person I know - but neither is there a particular desire to know someone. It however is there - and it feels better than before. Without the red stuff that is. So, the weird thing I guess is that while it feels better, there also happens to be less of a desire. And respectively do I no longer feel the need to experience it - or to see myself in a male position within any of it; Without being in a position of legitimately excluding the possibility. And recent dream I had basically ... well, did draw me a picture that sunk in and ... helps me to round this off.

So, I was walked through a building. There were open spaces, rooms and hallways - all crowded with people. At first things were kindof blurry. Until I so entered a space with a lot of (black) guys - which stuck out because they actually interacted with me, opposed to where I've been before. I was kindof interested, but also somehow not really. So I left that area with a "maybe later". Later there was a woman with her hands tied to her feet with a mouth-gag being basically forced to look up - and so it slowly dawned upon me that I'm in a whore house. And all of a sudden I didn't want to leave anymore.
Areas were distinctly different from one another - creating the impression of 'archetypes'. So, as for me and the whole Goddess thing - that archetype would be 'Diva'. As it made sense for me. So, as a first impression. Now, in certain rooms there were women with girls. Perhaps mothers with their daughters. And there weren't many. This suggests to me that we wouldn't want to draw a bigger line - which I can get behind. Just as the issue with a 'caretaker' being there.

Now, that was nothing but a dream. And while I so was walking through the place I didn't really find any location I specifically wanted to visit while feeling some attachment to and interest in all of them. Obvious why. However. As for kids - one thing that strikes me as interesting is that whenever I fantasize of being a kid(girl), there always is a woman - even if the setup would draw me as 'alone in the room'. And yea, it makes perfect sense! Who would feel comfortable about it otherwise? I mean, I guess I did because at least subconsciously thats always been there!

As it was nothing but a dream there are a lot of unanswered questions yet. That it to me is a realistic vision only makes it a little bit easier. And at this point I think I should mention that I generally thought of anything related to prostitution as a 'logi(sti)cal nightmare'. The fantasy is simple because you can simply warp people of required personality into position. And having any kind of Love interest doesn't make it any easier. But the same applies to 'the whole thing' just so in general. I mean, I have no choice, at some point, but to think people of certain personalities into position and take things from there. Respectively can that mean anything and lead anywhere. And sure, the most convenient solution is the ASAP solution, ... arguing that I'd have a much easier time sorting my stuff out from there. The reason is even rather simple. For once the 'signal' would be clear. I would be where I'm supposed to be and so wouldn't have any more pressure of doing anything that doesn't really correspond to me as a person. So I would basically be 'back' in 'having all the time in the world' mode. And so it makes sense for me to suggest that this is the best rule of thumb for everyone. So, simply wiping away all the inconveniences until things just come together. I mean, I did have another dream recently that pointed out how someone thats basically diametrically opposed to my way of life might be eager to 'do' something - well - wouldn't really help. It would only be awkward.

Along those lines do I have strange dreams that take me across highways of Europe, to places stranger to me and some familiar. Often I find myself being somehow on the run and that takes me to the place where I grew up. Other times I find myself somehow lost in foreign cities - maybe in france or spain. Hmm ... now that I think of it - places in Germany generally had a theme of discomfort. Me traveling around aimlessly. Once I dreamed of stalking Monica Bellucci - and I ended up back here in a convoluted twist of things - concluding in even more convoluted things. Strongholds are also a common theme. Or more ... concrete buildings, some "friendly" and others hostile. Eventually Zombie infested. One particularly nasty one featured a staircase that went down really really deep and while the ground level already was scare, the dark down there wasn't really comforting at all. Eventually I escaped from there to what seemed to be a construction yard - but those dreams never really had a good ending. One other reoccurring theme takes me into something that seems like a government building attached to which there's some vast segment of pipes and what not. I'd be there legally, but eventually find myself wandering off into restricted areas, hiding in places. Those usually 'just end'.

But sure, before I could work as a whore I'd need a general overhaul. Right now I'm closer to a Xenomorph, erotically speaking, than Galadriel. Seriously. I think I'm close to spitting acid!

In general I don't feel like I have a place anywhere. According to my dreams though there is one, only one - and yea; It - by the way - feels good to be able to sink into this image as it takes away relevance from whats objectively on my mind. So, thinking of all the people I tweeted at - there are a lot of possible resolutions where obviously the ones with the highest objective 'chance' for success are the more dominant ones. But from nowhere can I really 'get there' ... where I 'needed' to be.

So - all in all - it however makes sense that this building I was walked through was already crowded as I got walked into it. And these are so far the most objective markers I could provide.

As for my I.T. and other art related ambitions - well. I feel as though people are on their own put off by me mentioning it. The thing is that once I come to mention it I usually mention that they are fading away. Now ... I feel pacified. But maybe so because I have found peace with the other part of that story, which is that every once in a while I'm not. There are ideas that I'm having. Right now they are 'at rest' - they don't bother me and 'taking them out' makes me feel tired ... annoyed in a way, ... "oppressed" in a sense. Other times however these ideas have their own energy - meaning that comes together that inspires me to work on them. Thats when they are strong and the idea of letting them go feels horribly depressing. So, I guess the story 'obviously' is (facepalm obvious) that there are two sides - saying that being reduced to just one thing (clarity) is too narrow of a perspective on it.

And now I feel my hands getting tied ... so, I guess I'm done here. ... How to pay for bitches? Maybe I'm too reluctant embracing some degree of capitalism in this. Otherwise the idea of getting it done without money feels a lot better however. The way I feel about being a Suitor however ... well. Not having a budget to be that is one problem, but - usually I have an incentive - then either I look on the web "who" might be there or I have some time thinking about where I might go or what route to take; Which I can throw into that pot - and then I feel like I'm having a date. Some inner state of ... well, being somehow compelled in a pleasant and exciting way ... . In that sense it all comes down to management.

Its possibly still a long way to go - but maybe not as long as we might think. Although I'm feeling that I should be a bit careful about the latter. But legally speaking we certainly are limited at this point. Yet - worse case scenario: Things will go around, governments make stupid choices, people grow upset, things change! End of the story!


General StuffPosted by Nicole Sun, May 20, 2018 08:18:13

[the depressing consequences of "screen-device" saturated living]

"Why, why is the only real source of power! Without it you are powerless! ..."

That series of questions - I'd answer most of them with 'no', but ... if the you changed 'mobile phone' into YouTube for instance ... that changes. I barely use my mobile phone at all. And thats because I barely have a social life. No reason to use it; And a much better way of playing Videogames.

But - well. It takes a strong 'clue', sometimes, to know what to be looking for. I'm now what you could call an addict and because of that I'd like to deny all those horror stories about the things I enjoy. But now with more information at hand ... I don't doubt the correctness of those studies. And I know what to be looking at.

First of all, how would "screens" just magically be depressing us, ... without any real 'magic' going on? "What is the reason? ..."

And I've got a couple of hints. The first line of thought takes me to a phrase that some gamers should be familiar with. "Git Gud". This phrase is often used in regards to difficult games, most importantly: Dark Souls, and refers to the fact that the game isn't really 'hard' - you only need to 'get good' at it. To me, this is about the development of the brain in a sense. Similar to how we 'git gud' at ... well, walking and talking for instance, by so being constantly exposed to corresponding demands, we eventually 'git gud' at Dark Souls once we properly internalized all the different in- and outputs required to do so.

Often in gaming one really starts to "feel it" - after some extended amount of play or familiarity with the control-schemes - being sotospeak 'fluent' in the games language. One does not think: "I want to look to the left, so, what do I need to press again?". Like, I have learned to type blindly - I don't need to look for the keys on the keyboard 'anymore'. I think, ... and the line between thought and written expression is rather short. I'm probably better at writing than speaking these days. Which in another sense might be the reverse. Because I don't have to think about what I write, but just what to write, I just do it rather than actually thinking about it. Except maybe between or within certain sentences - but ... lets leave that aside for now.

If you've seen the Matrix, you probably remember that moment where Neo touches that mirror. Or if you've seen the Matrix reloaded, you possibly remember that moment where Neo passes through the door. Those two moments are good representations of this "'git gud'-ing", or so: How the brain/mind immerses itself within this new environment/reality and 'extends' into it.

Street Fighter has another great example. There's the "Barrel Challenge". There a bunch of barrels are dropped from the top and the player has to destroy them all. If you're a noob you'll possibly fail horribly although once watching an experienced player do it, its so simple! Its the same thing to internalizing all the different "micros" of your real life. Once you lived at a place for some time you find the way to the toilet blindly. I don't need light to find my glasses (unless I did put them somewhere else); And all of that stuff.

If you dig through some of my older stuff you might find that I used to be obsessed over porn. I mentioned it here and there and at certain points made a case out of showing some examples. And along those lines I ... got confused over something. Its purpose or meaning. Now, that might not tell you what I meant - but ... now I have a better context to elaborate on that.

Virtual reality has limits. Most importantly: We can simply 'quit'. We can blacklist people, maybe, choose not to interact with certain messages we get, ... simply put: We can escape in a way that 'normal reality' doesn't allow us to. This matters in regards to the role that 'others' play within our own virtual reality. The "each on their own" paradigm allows us to 'decouple' ourselves from social bonds as we pursue our own fortune in this world as 'real life' relationships "warp" into virtuality. What once required us to go out of our way (meeting someone) or yet consumed our time in some way (telephone) is now reduced to pop ups.

Well ...

The main thing with the latter is that its easier for us to 'not' give off 'unvoluntary signals'. If you ignored someone you can easily come up with an excuse, like: "I had no time", while in reality if that person went out of its way to go out of your way - you'd read it a bit differently.

For the former: I started to get "obsessed" over porn as a way of 'finding myself'. Following a certain curiosity regarding my identity. So I eventually had a clear picture of myself - where, as far as reality is concerned it would explain why I was comfortable as a sex-worker. But once I so had what I was looking for - there was an end. And then, ... well. I didn't really expect anything per se; But the fact that there was no pay-off left me confused. And then ... well ... I realized that a certain void in my life urged me to fill it through porn.
To extend on that a little bit more: The original idea was to create something of a profile that would help me socialize in a more meaningful way. But how, what, why - where, who, whatever - there simply is no society to add any meaning to it yet. For evaluation or balancing. |We're not there yet|.

So the issue is relatively clear to me: As we individually 'grow' into virtual reality - we still strive for all the things we strive for ordinarily. In simplest terms: Fulfillment.

If we so got used to get our 'satisfaction' through social media for instance, we eventually know of nothing else to 'enjoy' ourselves. So we're prone to do what we're used to - which in this case would be to browse through facebook or reach out for our phone. The depression would kick in as these "interfaces" eventually turn out to be shallow - or - dominated by narcissists, maybe. "Look at my awesome life!". That isn't social interaction - its bragging. So we can say that social media are in a way "bragging platforms" - and if you have nothing to brag with or simply nobody cares ... well ... thats depressing if you're 'hooked' into those.

But, its questionable whether or not thats actually worse than the alternative.

What alternative?

You shut down your computer, your smart-phone, everything ... and now? You're stretching out on your bed - staring at the wall or the ceiling - ... and thats in about it! You might go out, going for a walk; And you'll mostly just find all of the same. People busy with their own lives or phone - and thats possibly the point where someone gets to realize: "Yea, well, F* it!" and back you are - browsing through the depressing landscape of the Internet.

TO draw you a vision I'm having: One of the things that bothered me about gaming was that each new game eventually was more or less doing the same to me. Building a Character, customizing it, putting time and effort into it, ... - and for what its worth: Its a part of you. Inevitably. Although I'm not actively playing WoW anymore - or Destiny - those Characters that I've built ... they "belong" to me. But once I moved on, all of that got lost.
SO it occurred to me as I was playing Destiny that its sortof pointless. Eventually I'd move on - while those that stand out are those that put in money for some cosmetic upgrades. My Character so wouldn't reflect the fun I'm having with the game, ... but, ... well. OK, thats slightly exaggerated - and I don't want to dive any deeper into the problems of various games here; But so: If we had something like a 'single identity' - "one to rule them all" sotospeak - like our Twitter profile, though - ... uh, I ... have a very specific idea which is specific at being "nothing like" ... just for keeping it simple ... but ... - its not that I have nothing to brag with, its just ... that there is no way of doing so. I mean, I might style my homepage up that way - so, ... but what then? That might do it for me - but where the extent of my knowledge would fail me ... I'd stuck with a meaningless homepage; At that point.

Right away ... my profile would be Dark Souls and Street Fighter heavy. And the assets I could use would be tied to achievements. That would maybe encourage me to platinize Dark Souls 3 - and I'd have a neat Silver Street Fighter trophy to show off now. And that would tell you a bit about me. That I'm maybe a dark person; Although if I take WoW into it - I'm a Paladin and not a Death Knight. Maybe add some movie posters or what not - and yea. I mean, as I said ... I'm not an uberly social person - so - if I threw in some comments somewhere and all you'd see is a Dark Wraith ish Dark Souls character; That wouldn't be too odd.

The point is less about 'how' its done ... . Here. Its more about 'adding meaning' ... or fulfillment ... to certain things. On the other side, ... well - the bigger issue is certainly the matter of how it matters. Socially. What I'm looking for, essentially, is a rich sugar-daddy; If I had to name one thing that exists and somehow 'would work' in this world. That would complement my 'asocial' profile - so on the other side.
Otherwise I'd say that what I'm looking for wouldn't work out in this world. And that more specifically because I'm into women. Though my sugar-daddy would (have to) be male. And sure - what I "think" my profile would be should factor into that somehow. Its hard to tell at this point. But sure, ... "label" it as 'progressivism'.

I as a parent wouldn't be sure if barring my kids from anything with a screen would be 'good'. I'd rather call it irresponsible. Social media on the other side ... well, different story.

The thing is that in thought we can argue that Unification is gonna change things a lot. We can so 'buffer' these problems by arguing that we'd be moving into a socially more open and thus friendly way of living; Going to church and such. But then if we think about Church once every person on this planet were a part of it, we're back to similar problems; And how to properly conquer this 'new' frontier of a virtual existence - thats the big question. As I think that it is inevitable. Although I sure believe that we'll move away from single households! In which way however is hard to tell. I mean to say that we can't easily 'impose' "new rules" for 'how to live'. Like, come up with some Utopia and just migrate there. In one way or another thats what has to happen - however, ... we'll have to move there, slowly, as we come to understand the "mis"conveniences of our contemporary ways in a more meaningful way.

And please don't step into the ""SJW"/Forced-Utopia/Nazi trap".

I mean, thats the point: SJWs 'crave' certain social standards into existence but what they accomplish isn't all that good! Like so - those to me are the critics in Kostis Journey. Those that just fling feces at all that pass by. And wouldn't argue against issues that basically blame "the Patriarchy" when it comes to certain problems; Like the idea that people of color are somehow "playing catch up" in a system thats "rigged against them". I think we can take the "female" Ghostbusters or the Last Jedi as a relatively fool-proof example. These movies indicate that there 'is' what I would call 'the needed 'real life' behind art' - but as those 'real lives' would be there because they pushed themselves into those areas; Thats how it comes across on screen.
I mean - you can't blame a "western" library for having lots and lots of books people written by straight white men. A white man invented the printing press. White men started to gather knowledge as many other ethnicities did before them - but history has it that the western society was successful at ... "making it a thing" - sotospeak. We could also live in an Islam dominated world - and things would look differently. Simply as a consequence to what happened. What you wanna do? Burn all those books?

However you want to 'do' it - there is no other way but to "let it happen" - basically.

Before I get too deep down that rabbit-hole, let me get back to the Utopia thing. We could start by creating places for 'experimental living' - sotospeak. But the results of a group that has little common ground would be different to those of a group that has a lot of common ground. Either way, its likely that both results would be bullshit if we derived a standard from those.
Certainly there were things that could be gained - like, if you 'had to' ignore God there would be no other way. But if on the other hand now we simply did nothing, first of all, within terms of Unification I think people would want to escape by looking forward to being with others and that, well, would be like the formation of a single cell organism. Therefrom certain norms would emerge - "the modern family" lets say - and we would adapt as we moved forward.

And there you go! A solution to the "screen" problem! Give or take.

In bad taste

General StuffPosted by Nicole Fri, May 18, 2018 18:17:29

[more of an art piece]

... if I only were good at it ...

Seriously ... don't try to fight them. Its pointless. Its a bottomless pit. Its like punching a sand-bag and expecting some response. Eventually you'll wish that you had no purpose your entire life but to make them feel miserable; And even that wouldn't do it. I suppose its part of their "training" or whatever - to always pretend victory. Its like the black knight in Monthy Pythons. Even when skinned, scorched, all bones broken and you'd expect them to kindof ... acknowledge being in a bad position ... I don't think!

I really don't think!

But why?
What is the reason?

Oh, forgive me. That up there - thats roughly how I "feel" about them. Whether thats 100% the case or not ... well, doesn't matter. It probably isn't. And regarding what? Well, sharing my misery. My trauma. Without too much whining or yelling.

Its difficult to keep composure when people make a legal case of what parts of your mind are legitimately yours while trying all they can to install bypasses or whatever just to ... I guess at this point it'd just be about making me feel miserable.

The day however started off rather well. Eventually however I started to question certain things - and finally the question was: What would I look for? My own wellbeing or the greater good? Whatever I concluded at that point, from there on things started to revert back to how they were. I grew more and more aggressive, couldn't tell who or what or how I was ... and while playing Street Fighter eventually just internally raged against everything that somehow moved inside of me. Close to, maybe even beyond, the point of "cognitive suicide". "Screw you (God) - I'm out" [jumps off the cliff, God catches me up]. I really wasn't in a good mood or at all ... 'anything' ... probably. Even the parts I previously thought were me all of a sudden were as I know them - so I started to basically hate myself. Well, not myself of course - but that really tipped me over into madness about/against God.

It all began right after I mentioned prosthetics previously. A few thoughts and then the question or statement "Do you trust me?". That confused the heck out of me - and culminated in that conclusion a few hours later.

I found myself where I hated it all. I only played Street Fighter because it synergized with my anger - and then all of a sudden ... plop. I've had it with this game, ... and in a moment of thinking about what I might write about I came back to that conclusion and upon figuring that the other way is the right way things just turned back to normal.

So, if you ever have to choose between your own wellbeing and the greater good - hmm. Well - choose yourself. Obviously I need to explain that and obviously the first thing is that there's a wrong way of understanding it. But if you want to have it that way, I guess nobody can stop you and ... don't shift the blame on me!!!

I would have chosen my own well-being, but the way I thought about it didn't apply here. And I also thought of it as more of a hypothetical question I think. It was my mistake - and so I wondered: Allow myself to be abused vs shutting down the nastiness of it. Hmm. In hindsight ... . Well, anyway.

Rather than 'your own well being' its about 'sacrificing yourself'. Don't do that! Rather, learn what it means to live - and try to do good that way. If sacrifice were the answer we should all kill ourselves right away.

I'm sure there are plenty of hypothetical scenarios where one might be right to go the other way, ... but when thinking of Martyrs - thats a different story. To die what you believe in is one final act of stubbornness - and yea, why not? ... Pride?

Well, could that be the answer? Is it just pride?

Anyway, ... so the 'trust' issue got resolved. Choosing my own well being would be a two-in-one thing; In a more direct way than the other way which is all in all of questionable quality. In this context, or at all. I came to think about it a lot while watching Stargate. Especially so the Tok'Ra come to mind. They are being called cowards - but their defense is that they are but a few, ... they have to watch after themselves. But even just in general - once you're dead, you can't help anyone! I've heard that somewhere.

Now, I think I have to tell you that being mad at God is perfectly normal. I don't really know that, but I understand that the more serious you are about things, the more likely you get to those points. And eventually for a while you 'are' humble and you understand but eventually you'll get used to it and just "yes yes" it - and yea, most of the time thats the better way. You take it, "OK OK" - go - and learn why in process. It eventually takes a while ... to actually be there. Maybe a long long while. So far I however didn't run into an issue that I wasn't equipped to handle. And so I believe that God sometimes ... well ... "stretches it". Maybe He even wants you to get mad - it takes you to a more intimate understanding of your troubles.

And now I'm tired. Hmm ... I barely stay awake for 12 hours recently. Everything became so boring. I don't know what to do with my time. Usually I wonder: I obviously forgot something - but yet just come to remember it when its too late anyway.

"Do the right thing - then after the tears come the cheers!"

"I have a bad feeling about this"

General StuffPosted by Nicole Fri, May 18, 2018 12:28:49
Well, previous post. Every now and then I have this strange feeling in my left knee. It makes me feel like it wants to bend down before someone I don't want to kneel down before. Thats the gist. I can make this feeling go away when I "believe" in what I previously wrote, so - not admitting any mistake. That however reminds me of whats coming from Lucasfilm these days ... and ... it just isn't my style.

Reality isn't a game or a gamble. There are a lot of rules that apply to games of all sorts - and the most common ones are those around chance. And I "hate" it when those rules are applied onto life. It sounds reasonable, but its utter horse-shit. It might seem like its not, but after all ... it still is. If you take too many chances ... what? Some take many and never win, others take just a few and get lucky.

It would seem like I'd always roll the best dice, but no! My life still is a sequence of good and bad ones. Like so, sometimes the "next track" simply sucks. For one or more reasons.

But so, as we bother to think about it: I cannot fail. That is as unshakable as the word of God because it has been Gods word. But that doesn't mean that my life is "easy peasy". It only means that by His power my life will go so that I win! Whatever it takes. OK, there still is ... the "legacy Plot Armor" of course; Which ... maybe bends physics, maybe deus ex machinates me past a problem - whatever.

Now, what KJU did ... I kindof like. I got to admit. But it made me feel uneasy - but that especially because of Trump. And I apologize should I have overstepped my boundaries and made anyone feel uneasy because of it. I myself happen to be extremely ... "volatile" ... in "such circumstances" because of how I find myself "emotionally" wound up in them. Its like I'm constantly pushed into a direction that I don't necessarily like, ... and a lot of the 'bad politics' around these days to me seem to be consequences thereof. I however also find that a lot of this to me is rather subjective. Maybe me even getting certain things twisted. But still at times ... I feel like I'm used as a shield.
Recently I read a headline stating that refugees now prefer Canada over the USA - and as hit by a train I was shoved into looking at it ... well ... as "Trump" would. Like its a bad thing for Canada - and now Trump in regards of US politics would be right. And then I'm "made" to feel guilty about ever saying that Trumps politics are/were wrong.
But there's at least one problem with this situation. I'm not Trump. If I were, I'd be president of the USA now boasting about how I successfully dumped 'our' problems to another country. Just like with Climate Change! We don't need to bother, thats what we have offspring for, right? Except - "we" are the offspring that is confronted with the situation 'already'. "Just sayin'".

And yea. So, there's a big house and a small house. Both take in refugees. Now one shuts its doors - and the other one has to bear it all. And the one in the big house now yells "I told you!". ... Uh ... "what?".

And yea ... thats the sortof nonsense I find myself exposed to!

And so, KJU complaining about US activities - if we're totally reasonable about it, we have to understand that! We shouldn't hold the scolding finger against KJU although we could, ... while we should expect more from a person that boasts being worthy of the Nobel Peace Price than to just boast about it. I mean, seriously: What did he do? "He drove" a carrier to the N.Korean coast - threatening with Fire and Fury. I'd say there are less "Macho" ways of doing that; Saying: OK to the 'gesture' and the "polite" hint that we're sortof uneasy about it, but ...
More than just one sentence ... OK ...

Trump sucks. I was in one of my favorite Burger places in Stuttgart as I saw it on TV and my first thoughts were something like "Please tell me this isn't happening!". But it wasn't too terrible at the time. No shots fired yet! And so I can't really argue with that moves ... symbolic value. But if I allow myself to look past that, to "free myself from the Stunlock" and gain some alternate perspective, I find that it is an act of war. Well, hear me out! It is perfectly fine to take someone into a choke-hold. Thats simply the stronger guy showing the weaker guy where the two stand. It ... "happens all the time". But if it isn't released in a friendly manner, its still a hostile act! So for part one. So, part 2 is to look at the bigger picture so we don't loose context. Driving a warship to their coast is setting up shop. Korea launched some missiles which 'actually' is something ... "every major country" "does". Who is to say what some nation may or may not do?
I mean, we understand why certain weapons shouldn't be used. They are too terrible - and thats not the point of war. War isn't about hurting people but winning a conflict. Whatever. So, Iran having nukes ... why not? We don't trust them! OK! But ... maybe thats mutual!
But so - setting up shop in this case were a first move. A move towards what? Thats the "bigger question" I mean to ask to draw this bigger picture. As it happened: More saber-rattling. Which is where I have to say "Typical". Which consolidates the picture I want to draw. Trump showcased zero "nuance" within his move - and thats how things continued. Thus we can expect things to continue like that. So is Trump basically bent on wrestling KJU down - and whether or not that "was" the only way, who can tell?
So - still part 2: There's an offensive move which continued to be offensive and the consequence is there either a "peaceful" resolution or a ... non-peaceful one. And because the victor writes history I "don't doubt" that either way ... whatever the consequences ... they'll be regarded as good. So, put in a pro US government and thats that. I however don't think that way. I got to ask: Do we really believe that N.Korea would have started a war?
Part 3: Back to 'breaking the choke-hold'. Thats where I see the flaw in 'my' part 2. The act of war isn't an act of war if it isn't hostile. Simply put.

One of the things I think about the Antichrist is that I think he "thinks himself" as a 'scholar of Salomon'. Anyway am I reminded of that - as so the fabled tale of the two women and the child. Generally speaking I don't like Salomon - or what I think he stands for. "Ruling with an iron fist" is it called. Whatever good came from it - I can't help but being biased about it.
Salomon may have helped Israel to great wealth - but how long did that last? And neither was he (would he have been) 'anything' ... without the accomplishments of his father. I argue.

And similarly we can think of whats happening in the USA today. The USA ... well ... initially was a great success that helped liberate Europe from the third Reich. And that spirit of liberty helped the US culture to become the dominant one on this planet. The statue of liberty once was synonymous with it - yet over the past decade/years ... that spirit faded away and nowadays we don't know where to look anymore.
"Putting in a US friendly Government" ... what does that even mean these days? Its a plaster/patch - but the government still has to look after its people, is still tasked with the same challenges. Well, thinking of it the other way: If we assume N.Korea to be an entity and peace comes about - generally, the USA would still be the enemy. The bad guy. That why they would be looking for a US friendly government. Simply speaking.
The problem that 'remains' is that for: "Which political heads are going to follow?".
Well, it worked out for Germany, didn't it? Well - yes and no! What 'worked' for Germany 'big time' was the rebuilding. "The economic Miracle" its called. Which might not surprise us considering the geographical position of Germany. We rebuilt it - and that with a strong attitude against what had preceded it. It, so I hear, didn't work so well for other countries.
Because N.Korea is a military leadership - the issue with 'defectors' isn't really a good one. We can talk about loyalty here - but "such" situations strongly favor opportunistic behavior.

So, moving on - lets think about the legacy. We can close one eye with a patch and argue that whatever came after Salomon was a great success! Shifting all the blame for the bad to "fringe forces" we nowadays can no longer clearly determine. But "obviously" it were those 'Israelites' that didn't like where Rehabeam was going.

What does it matter? Well - the USA seems to follow this politics: Intervene, when it fails 'ignore it' - otherwise boast about it. And so - what can the USA boast about? ... vs. ... what do they ignore? Its an X:0 I guess. At least so since JFK - and JFK ... well, from Wikipedia: [Kennedy increased the number of military advisors and special forces in the area, from 11,000 in 1962 to 16,000 by late 1963, but he was reluctant to order a full-scale deployment of troops.[145][146] A year and three months later on March 8, 1965, his successor, President Lyndon Johnson, committed the first combat troops to Vietnam and greatly escalated U.S. involvement, with forces reaching 184,000 that year and 536,000 in 1968.[147]]

We could have had the same argument back then - and arguing that things would get worse ... generally speaking ... would have been right!

Its ironic. Thinking of the USA as the Supervillain of a Comic Book ... the resemblance is striking. Forever trying, sometimes "so close", but always loosing!

The point that goes beyond conjecture is that of 'the seeds you sow'. What made America great wasn't communist or socialist, OK, except ... we can shift the meaning of what 'socialism' is to fit the bill. The simplest of lines to draw between 'good' and 'bad' communism; So, calling 'socialism' 'good' communism; is the aspect of Dictatorship. So, if you're against "Commies" - you're supposed to be Anti-Trump because he's more of a dictator than anyone else before him.
What made America great may have been capitalistic by nature - but that capitalism strongly fueled what I think was the more important bit: The spirit of Liberty. A liberty that Syria deserves as much as Crimea as much as N.Korea. Setup 'vs' Imperialism/Colonialism. So, saying that Russia was wrong annexing Crimea is bullshit. Thats just European Colonialism.

So, what seeds got sown? Seeds of war that now have grown to a point where USA is more on the 'not so beloved' side of things. And how will that unfold in the future? The USA would continue on their ways, "on back" of whatever success story is written about Trumps presidency, which later down the line would inevitably lead to a greater conflict. Either a civil war or just ... whatever. Fallout. And whatever is going on between the USA and N.Korea may not matter that much - but it certainly is another step into the wrong direction. And yea, it might matter much. I mean, its not like the USA haven't ever been wrong before!

The biggest mistakes of David, when reading the Bible, might just be that he never got rid of his political enemies himself. When criticizing China, Russia and co - the narrative looks different. Whats right? Whats wrong? It depends I guess. I mean, his unwillingness to do what he had to might just be why he was the best King ever. But maybe also so why David wasn't Gods first choice! Because: Had his men not done the job for him - he might not have ever become King. For better or for worse? Well, David eventually did what he had to and 'cleared' out the country from 'strangers'. I previously wrote about it, simply pointing out the dangers of the "religious impurities" that simply were and still are a source of conflict. Well, another 'mistake' of David? Well - whatever got won didn't last for long. We can barely see through the bushes of time to really see what was going on. Either way "you" do it, its wrong!
But so we can learn that being 'radical' doesn't do the trick. Whatever is 'fought off' by violence has a tendency of returning. And the simplest equation might just be: "War is a total social negative which is countered by 'growth' that again might yield negative'. Uh, ... you beat someone down in the hopes that one stays down, that one rises up and you beat him down again. The uprise will seek an enemy; And the easiest enemy is the one that threatens your wellbeing. Simply put. War begets war.

What worked in favor of Salomon was that he didn't have to enter any conflicts. Israel was the winner; Everyone came and was amazed and Salomons open politics was helping all those that got beat down back up on their feet in peace and good times were the result.

War begets war - and justice will seek its way to victory!

What I'm afraid of is Donald Trump. That he doesn't care about collateral damage and its fallout. "It" looks like an easy victory - and to him/them - that might be all that matters. The way I feel it - the thing is that to "them" the argument boils down to: Does N.Korea pose a threat? If yes, they might retreat, if not - they'll gamble on it. And thats so aggravating. You spend all this time explaining something and thats all that comes out at the end. And you, dear people: Let it not be about Korea. Make it about Climate Change or Infrastructure or Social Security. Make it about Legacy. A good one! Peace! There is yin in yang, but only one side doesn't make up the whole symbol!

If you want too much you're out of luck because too much is by definition 'too much'!

There is no war against Antichristians - just a struggle against injustice. And if Christianity means justice, an Antichristian reign isn't gonna cut it! But - the truth is: The truth isn't an open book these days. |Thats where the injustice began/begins|.

C'est la vie.
I'm here to fix what I can - offering information that apparently "just doesn't matter". Say about it what you will - the truth is that I have something - something against confusion and injustice. Its there to transform the world. It holds that potential - the potential to an outcome - and whatever resists that outcome ... is resisting that change. You may argue about it - ...

Like: The thing with my heart. I remember that I once asked for a new one - just so. Would it work? Well, guess what: The argument from 'their' side goes: Well, if I have a 'new' heart it is still 'my' heart, that by definition would belong to them. Counter arguments? Well, they 'have' 'the thing' - and if it ain't my heart anymore ... do I owe my new one to them?

Calling it 'wicked'? Well, if I get a prosthesis - thats different! Is that wicked? It certainly would suck for 'them' if thats something I received and they so would want to call it whatever to get their grips on it.

And what is it here? Nobody is resisting anything? People 'want' Antichristians to rule? The truth is hostile? "What if its flawed?". The simple thing is: Once my message becomes known and people start to embrace its truth - it will spread - and sooner or later that will flow into politics and thats going to take power and influence away from those who resist. So, its a logical threat to 'them'. Call it what you will - truth is truth and inevitable is inevitable! Thats a conflict beyond "Liberal vs Conservative", or "Capitalistic vs Communist", or "Democracy vs Dictatorship". The big problem of the USA nowadays is that both of their parties do the same just beneath a different color. Both parties have their non-issues by which they struggle against their counterpart - and so there's a rough 50:50 split while certainly there are enough issues that once put on the table would generate a 90:10 split. Well, maybe thats an exaggeration - but holy moly ... this Info Wars piece about Venezuelans eating rats ... that to me is the definition of this identity politics bullshit. Is it really about: "uneffortable health care vs. eating rats"?
Its easy to talk about the benefit of hard work in regards to wealth once you've had it given to you, or just so the opportunity. If a man is sinking in a swamp while you have people plastering the way before you travel on it - is it appropriate to look down at the sinking man and tell him that he just isn't trying hard enough?

Us humans are ... careless, lazy, "drifting" ... beings. Some more, others less - but both exist in all social classes. And thats why we get more done once we work together. There is no justice in being called lazy by the ruling class if that class is the definition of lazy. "But its necessary". Is that so?
So - ... the citizen pays taxes so the government can pay cops to do ... what exactly?
So, "whoms" Law is it?

I digress ...

I'm drifting.

But it all comes together at around what I would call "Antichristian Argumentation". And whom do I direct myself to? Whom should I? Direct myself to? To 'you, the people' or 'them, the Antichristians'? So I ask them to restore the truth and they, ... "can't do it". OK, and now? I would facepalm here if I would believe that they are just too stupid to get it. If I'm invested in an argument that I believe serves an actual point/purpose. Much more would I so have to face-to-desk-plant because of the utter pointlessness of it all.

Where there is power and religion - so far - the Truth has been at a loss. The only hope for a truth these days is if it is of some value to some powerful entity. Else its casually replaced by pseudo-truths and misrepresentations. Thats 'the' problem. Thats 'my' problem. And if you don't see it as 'our' problem - you're a part of it!

For what else is any conflict about? Well, ignoring the bullshit between the powerful. OK, answer: 'Wisdom'? But when it comes to ideologies - yea, sure - its more complicated than that. Capitalism or Communism? But eventually both sides would take the exact same thing to argue why they are right and the others are not. And whats the issue? .. Ahw, ... sorry.

Yea, it isn't that simple. But then - it eventually all comes back to how God didn't want Israel to have a King. If we can't go without money its capitalism ... uh. Beside the point. RNG vs "Crafting Conspiracy". For instance. The moment you bring God into the matrix story there are those that call it a conspiracy. The more you think about it, it comes down to RNG. Who wants to find out? Thats a 'hard' point. Its the simple answer. Occams Razor for once on the side of God. Taking God into the story doesn't really solve anything either. Other than that it gets a lot easier to believe. And faith comes from that. How God pays out your interest. And why is that something we have to be afraid of?

So, who's more wrong: Those that take away Gods stuff to misconstrue it for their own gain or God letting it happen? No matter how 'well' they did - well, most people might not give a damn but some people do! Like, once it affects them personally. So - well, are Antichristians the problem? Well - maybe - but its still ... more like ... they benefit of our collective ineptitude. And thats the message I want to close this with. The fight against 'them' - if you want to put it like that - cannot be won by fighting them! For, what is to be gained from a witch-hunt to remove them by force? Uhm ... "careful". If its just a handful ... 'taking over' ... things might go well in the grand scheme, but our human flaws would still continue to be a problem. Once 'we' change - politics has to follow. Because 'we' are the people.

And that ultimately is the/an issue with North Korea. We're not free if we're not free - nor are we better than those that we fight if we do it just alike. This now is ... the logical continuation. It was provided to me as a way to continue, but at the same time would be how "they" would continue. So, this is like 'their' counterargument in some way; Which then takes us back to the start - except - one might go and ignore all that and make it up to us to yet 'liberate' the North Koreans. Round and round and round it goes. It doesn't matter if there is a better way; What matters to them is that 'they' have a way and that nobody else 'may' have a better one.

I admit - bridging the gap between "us" and North Koreans along this 'we are the people' axis in turns against Trumps behavior is ... kindof ... "stretchy". But 'we the people' don't have a reason to go to war - we have a reason to connect, to bridge our differences, to stand together and get rid of political bullshit. And now the situation might appear in a bit better of a Light. Trump is pointing a gun at Kim - and what would be if he wouldn't? If we forced him to, well, I'm sure Kim "would try" to use some nasty Chemical weapon against his people. "Logically".

So, again this is strictly 'not' a N.Korea issue! Its a "US Leadership" issue. N.Korea - whatever. Totally different thing. I'm not saying that Kim absolutely didn't need a slap on his fingers. But ... "Trump" needs a punch in his face! At the very least. And that just so happens to be my opinion.
Just as I believe that politics is "a" bottomless pit.

What do we need? Rules - some of which are to govern our economy. All that is done by governments - but thats not synonymous to politics. Politics is about negotiation, interests and what not. But thats not the part of it that I'm concerned about here. If we're all one - there's no conflict. Goodness won't come about within just a day, ... and N.Korea might be a great example. There are economic challenges, social ones - but if we don't have to draw arbitrary lines between our unison - it'll come about eventually.

The reason boundaries have weight these days is because they separate us into ways of life. Systems, structures - all sorts of things that distinguish one group from the other ... on a metaphysical level. We can argue that the poor will always prey at the wealth of the rich - so arguing for walls and closed boundaries - but at the same time we lack the oversight to help the poor in a reasonable way. I can only assume while strangers flock to Germany with little to nothing going back. All my Mother does to help those still in the Philippines is monetary. But what can she do? And 'they' - well, they treat the money like its a free party gift. But what else can they do? What they have already they have already - and while that has to be enough to get along somehow - as is the case for everyone else - they might as well think, well, "Yay, free money!". And maybe it helps the economy. Somehow.
The school I went to is quite amazing - for what else I've come to see the - and that didn't come about without strangers help.

So - in the end, my wisdom is relatively simple. And maybe I'm blinded by it. But anyway is it not my 'purpose' to tell 'you' what to do. And so, what I'm trying to get at is to now/then/here say ... somehow ... just how much politics sucks. OK, we need it - thats the one side. The progress/process of getting things done ... thats an inevitability. But other than that - its supposed to be 'our' thing. Hmm ... deja vu, but ... I'm not watching Rumble in the Bronx right now! Now that I think about it ... let me; No, not contained in Amazon Prime. Yea well, Amazon Prime I think is a good thing - as all the problems that Amazon has were issues of financial liability. But whatever. Uh, ... where was I ... - its our thing, as governments don't represent us properly. Thats the deception about it, ... the trap, ... I mean, for me at least. The way I feel ... when thinking of this and that. The ongoing struggles ... what are they about, actually? Or why are we talking of problems to begin with? "Funny" thing. "People complain about problems with Education, government cuts funding for Education and puts it into Military". "Politics"!

Because nothing stinks more than ... making the right decision?

Getting caught up in it ... is to me literally just that. Like, ... when ones long hair gets caught up in something thats rotating really fast. Not that it ever happened to me, but I don't think its pleasant. Whatever is going on "up there" isn't really our concern unless 'we' are up there. Which is by the way the basic idea with Democracy; And so - yea - 'not that simple'. The ... 'all in all' of "politics".

So - "they" will bring up big issues like, Syrian government this, Iran that, ... and we're taking stances like it actually even matters. Every now and then they overstep their boundaries far enough so that we people complain louder and eventually bring about 'some' ... resemblance of a change ... but, by ... "investing" in it - we pay with 'our ideals' to support something that shits on them.

And so I don't even need to try to harass Trump. Truth may be used as a weapon, but I think it likes to come to those that don't (want to) use it as such! Except maybe against ... degeneration, stupidity, ... peril, ... and stuff like that. See, it just happened again! Its like on autopilot. I can't help it!

But - that aside ... I sure have some problems with 'the good way' if it isn't 'Christian'/Enlightened - but those are outweighed by the goods, one of which were the items of freedom; So - ya. Beyond that the main problem between Politics and myself ... are trust issues. I can only tell you that I believe that God is the solution to those - but yea. With that said ... we're back at square one. So ... peace and fare well!

Things look bad for North Korea

General StuffPosted by Nicole Fri, May 18, 2018 03:31:49
Kim Jong Un just canceled peace talks because of 'Rattling of Sabers'. How I feel about it is, that KJU is under a lot of pressure right now, but the situation of the world on top of that plays squarely in favor of the USA. It so seems at least. I'm afraid that nobody would care should Trump just decide to go in, plus that ... I think KJU kindof struck one of his nerves. Talking about 'tactless' - Trump got boasted for the Nobel Peace Price, basically for threatening someone else with war - and so he continued to do that - and now that backfired.

Be that as it may - I suppose Trump will simply continue keeping up the pressure, forcing KJU to the table 'or else' just go in with force. And that to certain extents is perfectly justified - as simply put, an act of liberation. Thats nothing a lot of people would argue against - as sotospeak the good of the many outweighs the peril of the few.

What I wish for is that North and South Korea can be friends - open borders - making the North more like the South or a "Zone of Peace" between South Korea and China. The thing I have to keep in mind is how things worked out for Germany. While east and west become one again, there's still a hidden, cultural (political) divide - but I still thinks its better than what was. North Korea however is poor compared to South Korea and simply slapping the two together will create the simple situation that some in the south will be mad at those in the north sucking away their wealth while those in the north have a lot of catching up to do to somehow give that back. And the USA just going in wouldn't fix those problems either. Thats the one argument against it.

For Trump I think its most of all about 'not having been wrong'. Trump does not apologize - he doubles down - and calls everything 'bad' that dares to stand up to him. "Fake News"?
I mean, what is he at this point? Really? A) He's buzzing around like an annoying fly, B) He's throwing around with bombs for no identifiable (legitimate) reason, C) He's shitting all over the place with his regressive politics ... to name a few ... and we don't have a reason to believe that he'll change his ways, ever.
There are real, legal, legitimate reasons (more than one) to remove him from office - but at this point there doesn't seem to be an executive thats willing or capable of doing so.
So, the best option here I guess is to ignore him. At least when/while trying to think.

As for North Korea - I'll have to treat it like any other underdeveloped country. In my opinion the first best thing to look forward to is education. Education will help people to feel comfortable, but its no easy thing to just "get". But North Korea has rockets - which tells that they aren't really that needy in terms of education. So, I'm at a loss here and thats my jab at trying politics.

But for reals now ... . Its a difficult situation and the rattling of sabers doesn't help anyone. As it stands the demands would be that KJU steps down and gives things to democracy, which ... can go horribly wrong. Like, its questionable whether or not Chinese democracy is any better than North Korean dictatorship. Saying - every leader willing to bring peace to the table is a valuable "asset" - and the rest as "everything" else ever will be a process that takes time! Its not just about North Korea but also about letting them help themselves.

But ... I'm out here. Politics in this "era of darkness"/'logic of distrust'/~world of tribalism~ ... its nothing I'm a fan of. The biggest problem I think is the cognitive divide. I'd just leave them to themselves and support any progress towards peace. And yea, maybe the rattling was necessary. Its interesting - to see the contrast between rocket tests and the two leaders meeting at the borders. So, as two ... examples showcasing two vastly different directions of development. Maybe North Korea should invest in Video Games. I mean, I guess we're all driven by a desire to live a good life. Improving its quality. And we might take the ability to do so - politically speaking about 'providing' X, Y and Z - as a metric for a countries "goodness".

By the way @Info Wars: Germany by "your" nonsensical standards 'is' a Socialist country and WE DO NOT EAT RATS!
But ... phwr ... I'm not trying to get into politics. I hate it. These things however concern me.

Lets just sing Kumba-ya together and hope we'll figure things out!

Where do I find myself now?

General StuffPosted by Nicole Thu, May 17, 2018 19:13:23
Well, first of all - this might be temporary. So, until I've forgotten, dropped my guard - or - whatever. Well, how does it happen you ask? One does not simply ... . Well ... the thing basically is that every once in a while I find myself in that 'weird situation'. In general that situation allows me to do something - along the lines of ... harassing them (RTS terminology). Like there's some direct link and it somehow involves me and - I simply got allergic to complying - basically - so ... . Eventually I got better and better at it - until just earlier. And it must have been there in the mindspace. I did my thing, they were already pissed - or 'she' - and then there was the thought ... might be better to just let it go ... and yea. Apparently it just took a tiny nudge at the end.

That - however, lets assume this was it and I'm clear from now on, is like ... yea ... getting them a taste of their own medicine. A very ... gentle and generously selected one. Though, another side of me thinks that this may have at all been Game Over for them and "what I got out of it" would just be for convenience - or well, to avoid unnecessary agony. However. So - the medicine. Well, its "everywhere". The issue that the less you know the more gullible you are. I just recently watched the start of Deep Fried Fat commenting on Mormonism - and ... I don't know out of which hole he dug that picture of Mormonism but to a Mormon that is as alien as to anyone else. Ironically. Most of the 'weird stuff about Mormonism' comes from outside of Mormonism. I don't doubt that the story of Joseph Smith is sketchy and OK, the whole translation thing. Thats mainly what I "think of" when I refer to 'weird stuff' ... uh, the strange act. It it all might very well be just the way it looks like. Except for the Book of Mormon maybe.
However - with that being out there - it is really hard to become a Mormon because no matter how good you are at sugarcoating things - ... uh ... well ... that Vision of Lehi with the dark fog comes to mind. Unless you really just and only care about Gods word you're either looking for an escape that works well enough or you're out!

Well, the picture I want to draw is one of threats and people cutting them. We can see that between SJWs and ... well, the rest I guess. We can say "OK, they have a point" - and that way eventually grow numb to the nonsense/damage they procure. Do we need the right to insult people online? Well, is this a discussion about censorship or about manners? "Oh, its the same nowadays".

So is there a rope thats getting cut. All those people who just don't fit into the SJW world order - thats nothing to be concerned about. More power to all those that have the power to silence others - well - who already are silenced for else such activities would create a larger outcry. And yea, thats one of those things. Because this group has no real 'voice', they can be 'shoved' into the "Alt Right corner"; So, they're nazis. And because the ropes got cut, there's no space for recognizing any wrong there. "They" (the Anti-SJWs) "are wrong for not ...".

I find myself in a similar spot. When I think of my heart - one of the more aggravating ideas of how they might have "done it" is by presenting it as this 'thing' - a universal good of sorts, given by God - so, its all 'true' in a sense; And whatever I'd do would kindof be like claiming that its mine. And the matrix eventually won't help me out there. Oh yea, and there are - I guess - "RNG deniers" as well. Like they just can't hear it. Its pretty much like "because 'they' got 'that' - whatever I say must be bollocks (and therefore there is no need to go check because you/we can already tell that it won't do anything) ... or ... is there a good enough "even if" argument to be had? Well, 'even if' it turned out that I was right - then, I was right and we had ourselves a bigger conflict at hand.

But well - upon mustering the words to tell about how I feel I realize that I've been here before. Though previously there was a certain 'naughtiness' to it. I don't feel ... I mean ... actually having your "emotions" match that of your mood - basically, for the lack of better terms - thats quite a treat!
But I'm not really buying it I guess. Time will tell - I think.

Otherwise - the problems for me personally would only be there in regards to things where my heart factored in; And - first on the checklist might be to see how the topic itself impacts me. So, generally any hint of sex of any kind in combination with seeing me in the submissive spot, well ... its like a black hole. Getting too close ... and I'm gone. And I think thats still the case. Except there is no ... suckage. "The gravity isnt there".

Thats another "time will tell" thing. So far one thing that does stand out is that I don't have that 'male desire' anymore. So far the thing has pretty much been that I thought of a girl ... and I guess alongside clues about where my eye was traveling I eventually expressed real interest and somewhere in that this ... 'desire' would come up. The freshest case in my mind is Taylor Swift. By the way - she indirectly is the reason for this blogs existence. I've seen that Chris Ray Gun video and for some reason it triggered me to have an opinion of some kind - a way to express it besides everything else. However. I generally looked 'straight away'. From her. So until the last last jedi rant. Then it became a bit more interesting and upon investigating her 'that feeling' became stronger. Not yet 'that desire' - but, well, like once you're watching a comedy and there's a really good build up and you've got that tension where you anticipate a great punchline. That "yiiii". So - some time passed and eventually expressed my interest in a more serious manner and thats where I'm "back in the zone". Where I'd generally write of the feeling that whenever I look at someone or mention someone, someone else is "gonna get 'em". So, I suppose thats where that "male desire" comes in. I mention someone, 'he' gets ideas of grandeur, but while he's like me - in the appearances - I've got these weird ... affectionate desires.
Not having them threw everything over board for me. I'm back at zero - essentially. And thats good. I mean, I'm bothered by knowing certain things; And yea - I so have feelings and I want to know if I'm right about them. But, what good is it? Whats the point? I mean, the simple and obvious truth there is that if I date someone outside of religious concern - I might be in for a surprise. Good or bad. Else, I'd be looking for someone 'within' ... a society that doesn't exist yet. So all of that is pretty much nonsense. So, questions about legitimacy basically boil down to the demand for a permission to masturbate/fantasize.
But well. The lack of these male desires also gets me more in touch with myself. Once I'm thinking of a "girl"(/woman) I first of all am curious about how it would work out if I were a girl - and thats where my interests juice is at. But when then 'getting off on it', there generally were those male desires that "blocked" ... "it". So, being female then made me feel ... betrayed, ... at a loss, ... the counter sense to which would be that I should be a male so that people could look at me and see Gods blessings somehow. Well, thats gone now!
Though - be careful! I so often miss the chance to mention those tiny little details - like, possibly they were switching things up - and that might be the case still. Ugh. That feels horrible. Anyway. Its gone - and the way things look now is actually corresponding to my mind and spirit. I mean - the heart isn't 'everything'. Whatever it is. At this point I would say it is some kind of internal mirror. So, primarily I'm looking for being comforted as a female. And when thats given I feel good. 'Then' I can look and think about being comforted as a male. When that happens its good as well, but pale in comparison.

Was that it? I mean - the problem with not 'getting it back formally' is that I'm totally unsure. I don't know what to make of things and here and there there still are 'fizzles' of some sort. "Micro-conflicts" that might arise from simply not being used to it. Yea, seems like the hole is back there. And then, where do we get if a tiny slip-off of the mind is enough to bring about transfers like that? On the other side, would we really be free if we couldn't? But then, how do I protect myself?

My best bet at this point is to ask God to shut the functionality of my heart down. Unless it is 'perfectly my own' - but then, how to formulate it in just the right way? So yea, just shutting it down until I got a better idea.
Well, this sucks! And by the way: There maybe isn't a heart per se. Its just a thing I "signed off" and 'they' would go and look for a way to capitalize on it, thus coming up with a way of how that transfer is to be understood. And while I do have strong reasons to believe that its serious - I don't own my heart nor soul. Except I gave them to someone else. ... I really don't want to deal with these issues. It makes no sense, but then again ... what does?

I'm sorry! I really am! Would I have known what it would do, I wouldn't have done it (giving away my heart and/or soul)!

And if they slipped up and gave it back to me and yet could come in and pry it off of me - then this should basically have fixed it!

I need help!

And I think thats all relevant info I can squeeze out of myself right now.

Well, else ... I think ... it starts to dawn upon me, more and more, ... "just what" - uhm - ... . Well, we can look at the "Overworld" and take notes of how dense the politics is between retarded left and retarded right and see that as the consequences to deeper hidden truths. Or realities. But yea, I ... since I started to tweet had this ... really strange feeling. I really can't sleep, I feel ... its a mix between nervous and sensitive ... and squeamish. I'm 'freaked out' in a way and a part to that is this idea that I'm at an ... "infinite disadvantage" basically. Or was. Or as ... that wouldn't matter ... its a hot mess between who knows whom and what and who doesn't know or care or see or whatever. Its like that one moment of extreme tension at the end of a story, ... like Speed Racer for instance, ... just stretched out across days. Or actually ... weeks.

And its not over until its over.

By the way. Starting June 6 I'm possibly going to jail for 24 days - so, the majority of June I won't be around.


The conflict within me - Resolved?

General StuffPosted by Nicole Thu, May 17, 2018 05:11:47
What was happening? What about it? Was it 'the truth of me' that had enough power to "punch through"? Speaking of manipulations and confusion and chaos imposed unto me, against me, manipulating whatever I do or comes of me to play out in their favor. So, after that "last layer" was crumbled, ... things seemed to be pretty uptight, but ... new conflicts were emerging. I couldn't - for whatever reason - reconcile the outside with the inside. However I'd twist or bend things - once I got everything as straight as somehow possible there always was one last final problem. Like a rift. Like all my mind was about wouldn't arrive at my heart, or that all my heart was about wouldn't arrive in my mind. Whatever came from the head to connect to something in the heart - there was no heart. It just abruptly 'ended' - as squeezed off - leaving a ... strange void in place of where my heart should be.

So, maybe however I yet had done enough so they thought it wasn't worth the trouble and gave 'it' back to me. That'd say that if you just give it to someone on paper, that person has the rights to do with it whatever he or she wants. And what that would entail - maybe swapping yours for it. Maybe you're a horrible person and you give your dark heart to a good one, and take its good heart for yours.

I feel different now - but I better don't get too excited about it. But so, what 'does' it mean or imply?

I guess the best way to start with as little speculation as possible, besides mentioning the evident, is in regards to the 3rd Strike. But so I feel 'related' conflicts "all the way back" - except that since I caught up on it again - things went downhill for me, really ... hard. You can read my words of back then I guess. I felt I was wrong, in error, ... but then some voices occurred in my head suggesting to me that I see it different to ... whomever. So I watched through it again and I got it. I ... . Well. Shortly after I had uploaded it, a day or so, maybe 3, I ... started to laugh about it. Like it was some genius thing. And I didn't get it. I understood that others might very well see it differently. At the very least since I have a different relationship to it. But upon watching it again I totally saw where 'that' was coming from.

As I though mentioned that it would be the 'last' time before "Day X" - I was conflicted. I saw it as a final statement nonetheless - while deep inside I felt the need to do some more. I thought it would be a mistake. And eventually I got into a state where I was willing and ready to do more, but some "white blot" 'blocked' my heart sotospeak - and it felt like God simply holding me back.

Then I did it again - and here's a bit of in-depth commentary on it: I see "dots" ... basically ... on the timeline ... and you can see me pointing that out here and then, or eventually just being about to take it somewhere else. Now, these dots change appearances. Once I hesitated, they basically appeared "red" - like 'blocked' (in 4.2 I tried to fuck around with it - and I think there's technically a lot I yet have to or at least can learn about it. I intentionally did hit a red dot for instance, ... and ultimately I guess that just obscures an alternate outcome ... ). At one point however the idea got into my mind that I should aim for quantity above quality - and with each skip something kept getting darker and darker. I had the impression that I'm "steamrolling" ... whoever so actively goes against it.

I did upload everything but again felt totally uneasy about it. (*the video where I forgot to turn off the overlay is, despite being just 27 minutes long, 3.2 gigs large). And there certainly are ways to look past the harmony. The one with Deichkind (Denken sie GroS) upon entering Zion for instance. And I started to worry. So I did 4.2 - and that made me feel even more uneasy.

Anyway. All of 4 corresponds to that 'feeling' that I'd yet have to do some more - which I thought for wrong. Its a bit like a crack, which now kindof seems closed.

So I think that this whole recent act simply created a conflict. One that turned out too large for "them" to handle. So, reflecting about how 'they' could fake it. The thing is that once there's a match - there are "so many" possible tracks that could follow. SO, with enough "harvesting power" its totally possible to create some video reel - which is why I keep pressing for the RNG thing. But since I would channel my certainty or excitement or whatever about it into 'my heart' - that so would end up "radiating" through them I suppose which then gives them 'that' kind of upper hand in being heard. Their story however has to correspond to their abilities - and so while necessary that I do some more, 'they' would really not want that - which then gets into "my" heart and so there is that conflict.

Previously it had only been about 'a' Video, then two, ... and then a third. All in their own way ... as though they were composed; And yea - in that regard special. Now I'm not sure how 'they' went about it, but lets say there are two groups. One group says its a fake/hoax, the other claims to be actually responsible for it. SO, because I was unwilling to do any more they could capitalize on that, creating their version of the situation where "every bullet is precious" because "theoretically" there can only be "so many".

But so the cognitive foundation for how I went into 4. Eventually thereby I figured another way how they could fake it. Namely by having some time dilation device that would allow them to do the work of days within minutes. That why I thought that quantity might be better than quality. Quantity in terms of how much movie there is per track. So eventually it'd come down to a competition.

There so is the idea that I only need to randomly click on a few points in the movie and so simply up the quantity - thats been the cue for 4.2 - but it isn't that simple. "Naturally" I must be under some higher influence once I'm in the situation - and yet, so far all that I can gather from these experience is that I was conflicted. I should for the future have something more of a plan. A guideline. So - I'll possibly start the first video by typing or having typed some text to elaborate on whats going on.

This subject intersects with another one. So I don't play on the Matrix 1 because ... well. There's the issue that once what I do is 'in vain' I need an ace up my sleeves. The "reverse" of that is that I need to pick one of the 3 that I can work with for the time being; And thats Reloaded. On the other hand would I start with 3 as it stands now if I ever wanted to get into 1; So ... that.

That why, for Day-X it depends - but I'd say I simply go through Reloaded until things are more sophisticated. And as it stands now you have a picture of what to expect; So, if something like the first 3 happens again - or "at least" "High beats Low" - thats good. But since it turns out to be difficult to formulate 'success conditions' based around it, we could settle for an "Agent count" - and/or "Smith into Zion" maybe. Like 5 agents, 3 smith transitions and 2 sequences into Zion.
Later down the road we can try to get more scientific about it.

Then there was the 'projections' thing. I thought I really did a great job, but still I totally didn't like it. I meant to rebut myself right away - so, but all that came out of me was finally that piece on hell. I mean, if I could point my finger onto one mistake in that writing its that part - but upon thinking about it I couldn't find a rebuttal to myself.

So, in hindsight the situation is pretty obvious. It was pretty previous before already - but the presence of the conflict made it difficult to "Level out on it". I either would "sit" there and try to rechannel the bad that comes in back out, or I would do my thing and then eventually get into the 'normal mode' which is basically the thing I wouldn't want. And maybe now I can even start with/get back at some coding. Now the 'thing' should be gone where I feel like I'm trying to catch up to them. I mean, its like ... when I coded, sometimes at least (well, after I basically 'stopped' - ... hmm, well, ... yea!), it wasn't like I did it for me. I'd do a bunch of things that were on my mind but never got around implementing any of it into my main project. For instance. So I'd be concerned about how to organize the screen and surfaces or whatever 'element'. Eventually things that were 'too far' off of where my main project was at, so it was more like doodles. And then eventually my desire to continue just 'ended' - abruptly. Sometimes like this, sometimes like that. Once I decided to yet continue I felt an inner "oppressor" - which I wrote about here and there as ... the feeling like I'd be asking 'him' for help.

Seriously. It ... well. To get back into the "Sex thing" - I really can't tell at this point 'how much' this mess jumbled me about. Maybe it had some effect on whom I'd be into. Or whom I'd feel as close to me. The actual next best item for me to write about was the matter of feeling bad after masturbating. A certain feeling - where, sometimes I'd feel satisfied and other times I wouldn't. The last time I didn't it made sense in the way of me being 'too much' into something. So, I'd be going to bed with a really strong urge to dwell within my masochistic fantasies and to crave darkness upon me; Wishing things to be real to an extent I right after cumming would regret.

That maybe happened because I for myself could 'deal' with the consequences as "masked" onto my twisted situation. So, whatever oppression or humiliation would come upon me would in some way get through to the other side. And so my sadistic/dominant pleasures might as well be corresponding to that, just, the other way. Stuff coming in from the other side. I think I need more information - but, emotionally not getting along with anyone properly ... . Uhm. I mean, ... when 'teased' as a guy and then getting in on it things just didn't ... work out. While then turning into my female self didn't really do anything either; Other than making me crave for things that worked out. Well. Its hard to tell at this point.

So, considering how things worked out for this writing I'd say that I got my heart back. Saying, ... things will be a bit more normal for me from now on.

Next »